Sister Creating Family Drama - longish...

[stephbolt]

My FF and I have been dating for six months, and have been talking about getting engaged sometime this year, and married sometime in 2010. Compared to my friends and family, our relationship is moving a little on the quick side, but both of us are confident that it’s the right timeline for us. My sister (15 months younger) however, seems to think that I’m making a huge mistake, and is trying to create drama because of this.

She and I made plans to have dinner in her hometown (about an hour away from me) in a few weeks so she could spend some more time with FF, since, in her words, she hasn’t “approved of him” yet. We were discussing our plans for dinner and she asked if FF and I had gone and looked at rings yet at the jeweler a good friend of mine works for. A side note: this friend, when I mentioned about six months ago that my sister might be getting engaged to her BF, said that my sister and BF should come visit her at work and she would get them a discount. The jeweler is also in my sister’s hometown, and when she asked, I said, oh, not yet, but maybe we will when we’re in town for dinner.

My sister called my mom as soon as she got off the phone with me, and told my mom that I was going to be getting engaged “soon.” My mom, while supportive of my relationship, got a little panicked over this and called me to try and get details out of me. I had to reassure her that as far as I know, the engagement is still several months off at least, and remind her that she’ll probably know when it is coming. It took my mom a while to come to terms with things moving so fast for us, and I was very worried that this would raise some of her doubts again.

I’m upset that my sister created this situation, and frustrated that she can’t be happy for me but has to be judgmental and difficult. She has been dating her BF for about 14 months, so I don’t know if she feels like she deserves to be engaged first maybe. Also, her BF’s younger brother just got engaged last week, and all of her close friends from high school are either married or engaged right now. I don’t know if she’s feeling a lot of LIWitis herself or what her deal is, but I don’t know how I can deal with it, and I’m not even looking forward to having dinner with her anymore. Any suggestions for what I should say/do regarding this situation?

 

[sammyj]

Since you and your sister and so close in age, has there been a sibling rivalry-type relationship in the past? Have you always felt as if you''re competing with one another? If not, then IMO, she''s either a) jealous, or b) not very fond of your BF. If you think she''s leaning towards (b), then I think you should keep the dinner date so she can spend time with FF but avoid any engagement/wedding conversation.

I have two sisters (one is 20 months older and the other is 20 months younger). I am closer with my younger sister although we have personality differences so we can butt heads. If I were going through this type of situation with her, the next time engagement talk comes up, I''d tell her flat out that I don''t like talking to her about it and if she doesn''t have any thing conducive (or kind even) to say, I''d rather not talk about it with her at all. As A few months ago my sister and I went through something like this and we talked it out (over email) and then gave each other a virtual hug.

Good luck! Sisters can be a real pain!

 

[fieryred33143]

To be honest, if I had a family member, sibling, or close friend that told me she was planning on getting engaged to someone she has known (or dated) for 6 months, I would probably be judgmental too.

I think that at the end of the day, you have to be at peace with your decisions and what you want out of life. If your mother and sister don’t approve but you are truly happy making the decisions you are going to make, then I would just let it be. If her comments bother you, I would stop talking about engagements with her and if she brings it up in the future (which I’m sure she will…I would), then just tell her that when you do get engaged in the future, she will be amongst the first to hear the news and leave it at that.

 

[Winks_Elf]

I think you hit the nail on the head. Sounds like she''s suffering from LIWitis.

Sometimes you need to just let people get upset if they''re going to get upset, and keep a clear picture in your mind of what your goal is.

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

How much time has your family spent with your FF? That could really change the way they feel about your engagement. I know my family backing me 100% was very important to me, so FF and I decided to wait to get engaged until (among other things) he could spend more time with them. Its hard to really analyze how your family may feel about your SO because when you spend so much time with one person and learn to love them for all these different reasons you find it hard to believe that others wouldnt immediately see those great qualities and love them as well.

Secondly, if you were in your sister''s shoes... if you had been dating FF for 14 months and she was dating her SO for 6 months would you be having the same feelings she was having? I think its hard with siblings, like sammyj mentioned, because theres always that instinctual rivalry regardless of the circumstance. Take into account that shes having a hard time at the moment, having so many friends married or engaged and feeling that shes ready to be engaged, I''m sure its just driving her crazy now having her sister talk of engagement. Thats not your fault at all, you cant change how shes feeling or her reaction. You can, however, talk to her delicately and ask how shes feeling about everything - not just your engagement. From the sounds of things, her and her FF havent even gone ot look at rings in the past 6 months since you mentioned the friend jeweler, so shes probably extremely frustrated to hear that you and your FF are going to do so when you''re in town for dinner. I think that jealousy and frustration is what sparked the call to your mother. You need to talk to her and ask her whats going on with her relationship. This is no way has to effect your relationship or your time line for engagement but I think your sister needs someone to listen to her, especially if things arent moving along so well with her SO.

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/20/2009 12:50:02 PM
Author: fieryred33143

To be honest, if I had a family member, sibling, or close friend that told me she was planning on getting engaged to someone she has known (or dated) for 6 months, I would probably be judgmental too.

I think that at the end of the day, you have to be at peace with your decisions and what you want out of life. If your mother and sister don’t approve but you are truly happy making the decisions you are going to make, then I would just let it be. If her comments bother you, I would stop talking about engagements with her and if she brings it up in the future (which I’m sure she will…I would), then just tell her that when you do get engaged in the future, she will be amongst the first to hear the news and leave it at that.

ditto this whole post. I''d be the same if it was my sister but at the end of the day you can''t listen to them if you''re happy with your decision.

 

[stephbolt]

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses ladies.

sammyj my sister and I have definitely had a lot of rivalry in the past. I am leaning more towards it being jealousy combined with her not knowing my BF very well...she has only met him once and it was at a big family event so there was a lot going on. I think I will definitely take your advice to tell her flat out I don''t want to discuss it with her if she can''t be supportive/nice about the situation.

firey I probably would have been a little judgmental of someone in a similar situation prior to meeting FF. I don''t know if I would have been as negative directly to their face though, that''s more what is bumming me out about the whole situation. I do try to avoid bringing up any engagement/wedding talk, but it seems like she always brings it up herself and puts me immediately on the defensive. As I said above I''m going to discourage her from bringing it up in the future if she is just going to be negative.

Winks Elf thanks for the encouragement. I am going to try and let her work through this and ask her if she wants to talk about it without shifting the focus to me, you know?

SailorsSweet as I said above my sister has really spent very little time with my FF. My parents have gotten to spend a lot more time one-on-one with him, and once that happened my mom became a lot more supportive because she could see how he and I interact and a lot more about our relationship than she could just by talking to me about it. It is very important to me that our families support us, and that''s part of why this situation is bothering me so much I think. I do understand how she could get jealous/upset about the whole situation, and I know she can''t control those feelings. She also said something about how now that her BF''s brother is engaged, they can''t get engaged any time soon because it will look like they are copying. So maybe that''s part of what''s going on in her head as well, that her engagement has already been delayed once and might end up delayed further if I get engaged? Although that wouldn''t bother me at all, and I told her that. I need to take your advice and talk to her about how she is feeling without bringing up my relationship at all.

 

[allycat0303]

Well I want to preface this by saying that I don''t know anything about your relationship (I don''t even know how old you are), so I am just speaking about my own personal experience.

I think that 6 months is a very short period of time. I know that there are people that have known each other for 6 months, gotten married and it worked out. However, I don''t think there is any harm in waiting a bit, or having a longer engagement. When you are with someone for the rest of your life, an extra 6-7 months before marriage is very little time compared to the rest of your life together.

I can understand your mother and sister being concerned. I even feel she has legitimate reason for saying "she hasn''t approved of him yet" she probably does not know him well enough to make a judgment. I would hate to think she puts her stamp on any guy that she barely knows, that would say she wasn''t a very caring sister. If one of my relatives were in this situation I would not hesitate to advise them to take it slow. And this has nothing to do with being jealous, envious, wanting to get married before her etc., it''s because I think that 6 months is not enough to really KNOW the person. I feel like you are still in the *honeymoon phase* of the relationship, so your decision may be clouded. So I don''t think 6 months is *wrong* I just think it is riskier then waiting a little longer before getting married.

If it were my sister, I would thank her for her concern and allow her to spend more time with FF. I wouldn''t avoid her because she voiced her opinon.

 

[tlh]

OK.

When I was dating my now DH I was very upset any time people who had been with their SO for a shorter amount of time got engaged. I was VERY happy for them, but irritated at my SO that is was taking so long to Pop the question. I was green with envy, and yet happy. It was a weird dynamic. I didn''t feel that they deserved to be engaged any less than me... I would just whine and wail soo loudly and tell my Dh at every turn... oh another person got engaged this weekend... thanks for dragging your feet you A$$! (I understood that $$ was tight, but I became very mean and impatient.) I wish I was kidding, but we''d go to a baseball game, football game and hockey game and people would get engaged on the big screen. Seriously, this all happend in one year! grrr... we walked our dogs in the park one night... and I saw a guy setup a picnic table w/ rose petals, champagne and luminaries to light the way... and I saw him drop to his knee and propse, with BF next to me... I was like hurt and angry, and told him I was gonna start dating other people if he didn''t do it soon!

Maybe your sis is feeling a little of that? It is a horrible monster.

Wanting something sooo bad, and seeing it happen to someone else. you are happy for them, honestly are, but upset- like why is it not happening to you?

Some relationships do progress quicker than others. It is just how things unfold. 6 mos can seem rather quick to most, but honestly I think 6 mos is when most people start to think, is this one a keeper, or am I wasting time? when you think, keeper, it is a natural thing to move on to the next step - and I am really happy for you. Don''t let her bug you. I would just think about that little monster- that she may not be too honest w/ you about-- and maybe try to share a little less of your good fortune. She may not want to be envious or jealous, but it might just be how her cookie is crumbling.

So suggestions, focus all conversations on her. Not you. Your life is going swimmingly, but if she is jealous, this could just fuel the little green monster. Talk about anything and everything, but not about your plans. Not about the what-ifs. When your man proposes, he''s gonna propose... he hasn''t done that yet- so why talk the what-ifs. Since it seems to bother her... just speculate about other stuff- like who''s gonna win the Superbowl. I know you are excited and want her to share in this joy, but if it is a touchy subject... just avoid it.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I think she is simply jealous and a little self-centered. You know what I think? It is NOBODY''S business when you guys decide to get engaged!! It was long ago, but I am SURE I knew in less than 6 months that I wanted to marry my now DH! It was over year when we got engaged just because we were still in school at the time.

My daughter dated one young man for 3 years and they broke up. But there were lots of red flags all along. She just started dating someone new a couple of weeks ago after 3 years of no serious relationships, and they have already added each other on their facebook page "in a relationship with....". They had some amazing kind of connection the day they met. I feel fairly sure that they might be engaged if they make it 6 months because they seem like a great match. Too soon to tell NOW, but I think they''ll know one way or another in 6 months because they both knew what they were looking for. In any event, it is THEIR decision!!! I would not be so presumptuous to tell someone else when they should get engaged!!! (I would express concern, however, if there were known concerns about the character of the person my child was seeing. But it does not sound like this is the issue with your boyfriend.)

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Didn''t you say that you might look at rings when you were in town for dinner? In my opinion, looking at rings = getting engaged soon, so if my sister told me she was looking at rings soon, I would tell my mother she was getting engaged soon. It wouldn''t be out of jealousy or an effort to cause trouble. Only you know if your sister stirred the pot on purpose, but it doesn''t have to be out of jealousy. Not everyone is upset that they aren''t winning the "engagement race", so consider that she might just have genuine concern for her sister!

 

[tlh]

Date: 1/20/2009 4:15:54 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
Didn''t you say that you might look at rings when you were in town for dinner? In my opinion, looking at rings = getting engaged soon, so if my sister told me she was looking at rings soon, I would tell my mother she was getting engaged soon. It wouldn''t be out of jealousy or an effort to cause trouble. Only you know if your sister stirred the pot on purpose, but it doesn''t have to be out of jealousy. Not everyone is upset that they aren''t winning the ''engagement race'', so consider that she might just have genuine concern for her sister!

We all have our opinions, but I am strange... to me looking at rings = PLANTING THE SEED.

So that you''ll get the one you want. Like when you''re shopping and you pop into a mall store, just to see what they''ve got. It doesn''t mean getting engaged right away. I like to do this and say... "oh I like the simplicity of that style, but I think you should get something from a jeweler where you can pick out the diamond seperately."

Then you drop comments like, "An engagement ring should be incredibly inconvient to obtain. You shouldn''t be able to combine a trip to pick out the ring w/ anything else, like shopping for groceries or picking up a powertool from Sears..."

Seriously... plant the seed and water frequently!!!

 

[brooklyngirl]

How to handle your mom and sister really depends on your particular relationship with them. If they are generally thoughful and respectful toward you and your choices, I would think about what they''re saying carefully. On the flip side, if they are the type to try to steer you into doing things their way, I would still think about it, but would be a bit more skeptical. In either case case, you are an adult, an adult and shouldn''t necessarily base your decision on what your family wants.

Whether your sister is experiencing some jealousy and LIWitis, again, it would depend on the type of person your sister is, and non of us know her.

As far as her telling your mom, well, you didn''t specifically tell her that your plans were a secret, and if she were worried, then I''d expect her to tell your mom.

 

[whitby_2773]

hi steph

i knew my husband was the one for me 3 days after i met him. 25 years down the track, and time has confirmed what i always knew in my heart. when we met, i was 22 and he was 18. yowza!

my mother was deceased when i met my husband-to-be, but my father saw us together regularly, and told me sister (who lived out of town) that my new boyfriend was going to be ''the one''. we''d been dating at that stage about 3 months.

sometimes it''s obvious...and sometimes it''s not. sometimes there''s hurdles and issues - and sometimes there just aren''t. sometimes it''s like a hand fitting into its glove - and sometimes a couple has to work their way towards each other. sometimes people bring insecurities, questions and past hurts to a new relationship - and each of those issues has to be addressed and ''crossed off the list'' - whereas some people bring an intact heart and are ''ready to go'' from day one. everyone is different. given that 40% of marriages end in divorce, and a reasonable percentage of those that don''t divorce aren''t necessarily happy, i''d say there''s no sure-fire formula for guaranteeing that it will work - except for both individuals being committed 100%. the question isn''t really ''how well do we fit now?", but rather ''how committed are we to doing all that needs to be done to fit together in the future?'' are you in love? are you committed for the long haul? is he the sort of person who is good at long term commitments? these are the things to look for....

as for your sister - it might be a good time to suggest gently that she mind her own business. she has no need to be ''really worried'' about your relationship; a long term relationship is a lot of work, and if she wants *hers* to work, she had best give it her full attention and stop worrying so much about yours. you might also like to suggest to her that, well intentioned tho it may have been, you''d prefer to be the one who informs your mother - or anybody - of your impending nuptials...just as soon as it''s relevant. which it isn''t at this point. if she doesn''t feel she can be discreet, you''ll no longer be able to share your thoughts and plans with her. and as for approval - it goes both ways, and given that this may well be your life partner, you''d like her to be on her best behavior when you have dinner as you''d like to be sure that your FF will approve of *her*. end of topic.

good luck, steph!

 

[LadyluvsLuxury]

Date: 1/20/2009 6:34:59 PM
Author: whitby_2773

hi steph

i knew my husband was the one for me 3 days after i met him. 25 years down the track, and time has confirmed what i always knew in my heart. when we met, i was 22 and he was 18. yowza!

my mother was deceased when i met my husband-to-be, but my father saw us together regularly, and told me sister (who lived out of town) that my new boyfriend was going to be ''the one''. we''d been dating at that stage about 3 months.

sometimes it''s obvious...and sometimes it''s not. sometimes there''s hurdles and issues - and sometimes there just aren''t. sometimes it''s like a hand fitting into its glove - and sometimes a couple has to work their way towards each other. sometimes people bring insecurities, questions and past hurts to a new relationship - and each of those issues has to be addressed and ''crossed off the list'' - whereas some people bring an intact heart and are ''ready to go'' from day one. everyone is different. given that 40% of marriages end in divorce, and a reasonable percentage of those that don''t divorce aren''t necessarily happy, i''d say there''s no sure-fire formula for guaranteeing that it will work - except for both individuals being committed 100%. the question isn''t really ''how well do we fit now?'', but rather ''how committed are we to doing all that needs to be done to fit together in the future?'' are you in love? are you committed for the long haul? is he the sort of person who is good at long term commitments? these are the things to look for....

as for your sister - it might be a good time to suggest gently that she mind her own business. she has no need to be ''really worried'' about your relationship; a long term relationship is a lot of work, and if she wants *hers* to work, she had best give it her full attention and stop worrying so much about yours. you might also like to suggest to her that, well intentioned tho it may have been, you''d prefer to be the one who informs your mother - or anybody - of your impending nuptials...just as soon as it''s relevant. which it isn''t at this point. if she doesn''t feel she can be discreet, you''ll no longer be able to share your thoughts and plans with her. and as for approval - it goes both ways, and given that this may well be your life partner, you''d like her to be on her best behavior when you have dinner as you''d like to be sure that your FF will approve of *her*. end of topic.

good luck, steph!

whitby, I love the bolded statement. That is really (what I believe) is the core of what so many people miss when looking to marry.

To the OP you have gotten much great advice here, I don''t have much more to add other than to say at the end of the day only YOU can live your life and while it is good to listen to advice from family/friends they can not dictate the path you choose. Sounds to me as if your sister is definitely concerned for you but I do think her actions indicate some jealousy. If you don''t want your "business" to get out to your family before you have a chance to tell them, you should probably always make sure she is the last to know everything

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 1/20/2009 2:05:13 PM
Author: bee*

Date: 1/20/2009 12:50:02 PM

Author: fieryred33143

To be honest, if I had a family member, sibling, or close friend that told me she was planning on getting engaged to someone she has known (or dated) for 6 months, I would probably be judgmental too.

I think that at the end of the day, you have to be at peace with your decisions and what you want out of life. If your mother and sister don&#8217;t approve but you are truly happy making the decisions you are going to make, then I would just let it be. If her comments bother you, I would stop talking about engagements with her and if she brings it up in the future (which I&#8217;m sure she will&#8230;I would), then just tell her that when you do get engaged in the future, she will be amongst the first to hear the news and leave it at that.

ditto this whole post. I''d be the same if it was my sister but at the end of the day you can''t listen to them if you''re happy with your decision.

Thritto, though I hear what you are saying about wishing your sister had come directly to you. Can you talk to her about how much that hurt you and emphasize that you want to hear her concerns and are open to them if she feels she needs to talk to you about them, but that you would really appreciate her not going behind your back about it?

 

[supergirl10]

Date: 1/20/2009 12:50:02 PM
Author: fieryred33143

To be honest, if I had a family member, sibling, or close friend that told me she was planning on getting engaged to someone she has known (or dated) for 6 months, I would probably be judgmental too.

I think that at the end of the day, you have to be at peace with your decisions and what you want out of life. If your mother and sister don’t approve but you are truly happy making the decisions you are going to make, then I would just let it be. If her comments bother you, I would stop talking about engagements with her and if she brings it up in the future (which I’m sure she will…I would), then just tell her that when you do get engaged in the future, she will be amongst the first to hear the news and leave it at that.

Sorry I hate to sound like a downer but i totally agree with fiery. I was in a similar situation. Bf of 4.5 years and I had been talking about engagement since january of last year and I knew it would happen in june sometime after my exams finished.

Then in april my little sister told me that she and bf of four months were thinking about engagment and trying on rings. They planned to be engaged in dec of that year. While I knew that we would be getting engaged I did not utter a word to anyone, because I did not want to put sister off her plan, even though I thought it was a mistake. I was concerned mainly because I am an extremely cautious person and I don''t think that four months is a whole lot of time to know someone and personally would not accept a proposal unless we had been dating for 2-3 years (this is regardless of age).

I was upset that she was thinking of engagement but it wasn''t for the reason''s most people would think. I was just concerned for her because of the seriousness of the commitment. Also I did not like him or trust his motives. He had treated both myself and bf and my parents rudely on numerous occasions.

They got engaged in early june after 6 months of dating. If I told any of my friends except one they would just role their eyes at me and tell me I was jelous. Well they did get engaged and three months later they broke up because he had slept with 3 other people and had started in april, four months into their relationship, he ended up confessing that he proposed so that she would not be suspicious and he could do as he pleased.

So I guess the moral of my story is that my instincts were right and he was not to be trusted and it was not really anything to do with being jelous.

However if your sister is jelous just give her sometime and like other poster said, avoid bringing up wedding talk.

 

[AdiS]

Date: 1/20/2009 4:14:31 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
I think she is simply jealous and a little self-centered. You know what I think? It is NOBODY''S business when you guys decide to get engaged!! It was long ago, but I am SURE I knew in less than 6 months that I wanted to marry my now DH! It was over year when we got engaged just because we were still in school at the time.

My daughter dated one young man for 3 years and they broke up. But there were lots of red flags all along. She just started dating someone new a couple of weeks ago after 3 years of no serious relationships, and they have already added each other on their facebook page ''in a relationship with....''. They had some amazing kind of connection the day they met. I feel fairly sure that they might be engaged if they make it 6 months because they seem like a great match. Too soon to tell NOW, but I think they''ll know one way or another in 6 months because they both knew what they were looking for. In any event, it is THEIR decision!!! I would not be so presumptuous to tell someone else when they should get engaged!!! (I would express concern, however, if there were known concerns about the character of the person my child was seeing. But it does not sound like this is the issue with your boyfriend.)

Ditto. And for the record, it only took me like a week to realize my husband is The One. He says it was even less than a week for him. Sometimes you just know.

 

[stephbolt]

Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful responses. You all have helped me see a lot of different perspectives of this situation that I hadn''t considered because I was so emotional in my initial response. I''m hopeful that I will be able to improve the way my sister and I communicate about this whole situation, and maybe even strengthen our relationship in general. If not, well, at least I am 100% confident in my relationship and my decision and eventually my sister will come around. I wish I had time to respond to everyone individually but just know I read every response and appreciate them all!

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

stephbolt-

keep in mind that there are a wide variety of LIW here, with different situations, relationships, life experiences. No one knows your situation personally, but mostly everyone has a situation they "know of". Some people, like myself, are more planners and others are very spontaneous and still others are cautious or reluctant. Life''s unpredictable so you can head all the different advice written but in the end theres no way of truly saying what will happen. You and your bf are the only two who could really take a shot at predicting it most accurately. Good luck, and let us know what happens, k?

 

[Bia]

Date: 1/20/2009 12:50:02 PM
Author: fieryred33143

To be honest, if I had a family member, sibling, or close friend that told me she was planning on getting engaged to someone she has known (or dated) for 6 months, I would probably be judgmental too.

I sort of agree here. I don't know your sister, but it could be that she's just concerned for you. My brother got engaged to his girlfriend about 7 months after they started dating. This was his first serious relationship, and at only 22, I was concerned that he might be moving too fast (my "disapproval" had nothing to do with his girlfriend, it was about him missing out on bachelorhood in his early twenties). He and I are very close, so he understood why I felt the way I did, and I have to say, he handled me, and my parents, amazingly well. He basically said that he knew shortly after meeting her that he would never find a woman that "fit" him the way she did. After that, we really had no choice but to accept it...reservations and all. Luckily, in this case, they are perfect for eachother...so we're thrilled.

Your family might just be concerned. As others have said already, you know what's best for you. You and your BF feel ready, that's all that should matter. If your family can't accept it, that's their problem, and it's only yours if you let it be.