*sigh*.. leftover ring dilemma

[undertow]

Hi, Everyone. I''m a lurking "lady in waiting"... and I have FINALLY decided to ask you awesome ladies on here for some advice.

I''ve been dating a wonderful man and we live together. Things are at the point to where we have talked about marriage; I love him more than anything and I know he''s "the one" for me. He talks here and there about how he''s going to propose to me at the right time; the first time he told me I was the one for him and that he wanted to marry me he pulled out this ring. No, he wasn''t proposing.. he was showing me the ring he eventually would propose to me with.

Now, that sounds sweet but heres the messed up part.

The ring used to be his EX-FIANCEE''S. He said it was his mothers ring (apparently she gave it to him to propose to this girl with) and when the engagement was called off, he managed to get it back. Oh, how wonderful. That was about 5 years ago, and he knows I hate the thought of this woman even. So he told me he was planning on getting the ring changed to platinum for me because he knows I hate gold. I was just in shock.. how could he even think it was OKAY to plan on proposing to me with a leftover from his ex fiancee? It breaks my heart to even think about it... it really gets me down. It makes me feel like I''m not special and I''m not good enough to get my own ring, that I just get what was salvaged.

Please tell me I''m not being snotty about this? He brought it up again a few weeks ago, something about us getting engaged and that wretched ring again... and my heart just sank. I told him later that day how awful it made me feel that he would want to give me a ring that''s been on another girls finger. How I wouldn''t be able to even look at it on my hand because it''s just not right, the ring was not purchased for ME, it makes me feel like I''m just not special enough. But he tried to defend himself, how he wanted to give it to me because it was his mothers, blahblah he was going to change the gold band so technically it wouldnt be the same ring.

Wrong! I still feel like I got no where with this conversation. He still doesn''t seem to understand how much this is hurting me, and he HASN''T even proposed yet! A girl dreams of getting proposed to in such a romantic way, knowing that the ring that will be on her finger was meant to be for HER. Not someone elses.

Please give me some advice, ladies. I love this man so much but I feel like I''m going no where with this issue!

Thank you,

- M.

 

[galeteia]

Wait, let me get this straight:

You are rejecting an heirloom ring because his ex-fiancee wore it?!

Pardon? It is his family's ring. Yes, his ex-fiance wore his family's heirloom ring, but it is not HER ring. It is his FAMILY'S ring. If FF's family passed on one of their heirloom rings to him with the intent that he propose with it, I would be honoured. If his despicable piece-of-work ex-girlfriend had worn it, I would still accept the honour of wearing his FAMILY'S heirloom. This is not a ring picked out and created expressly for his ex, that he is trying to 'salvage' and give to you to avoid going through the same process for you.

Sorry, but I have to agree with your FI on this. If you don't want the ring because you don't like it, and have your heart set on a specific carat weight, stone shape, and setting, that's fine. But unless his mother gave him money and told him to go pick out a ring for his ex, I think you're completely in the wrong about this. Sorry, but that's just the way I see it.

'Wretched ring'? You are spitting on an heirloom and all it stands for.

It's generous of your boyfriend to offer to destroy the ring and re-make it so it's in the metal of your preference, keeping only the form of his mother's ring. It's not something I would dare to ask my fiance's family to do.

If you want a ring that was made just for you, tell him so, but stop clouding the issue by insisting his family's ring is in fact his ex's ring. It wasn't hers to begin with.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I have tremendous respect for heirlooms and what they represent.

 

[E B]

Date: 11/6/2006 2:07:44 AM
Author: Galateia

If you want a ring that was made just for you, tell him so, but stop clouding the issue by insisting his family's ring is in fact his ex's ring. It wasn't hers to begin with.

This is the first thing I thought of when I read your post. If your BF had bought a ring, kept it after the break-up, and offered it to you, that'd be one thing. A family heirloom is an entirely different story; intended for the son's wife (or whatever the relationship is to wherever it comes from), which his ex-girlfriend is not.

All of that aside, you're obviously uncomfortable accepting it. If you can't get past the fact that his ex wore it temporarily, try to come up with a solution. I think re-setting the stone into a setting that is all you is a good idea if your boyfriend and his family are comfortable with that. A compromise.

 

[E B]

I also wanted to add that I don't think you should feel BAD about how you feel (we've all got our weird little superstitions) but you might want to try seeing it from a different angle. It isn't his ex's ring, and it never will be. Besides, I personally feel that while the engagement ring is nice, it isn't the most important piece of jewelry you'll wear. The wedding band takes that title.

 

[reader]

Humm, in my family, heirlooms are reguarded not as property to be reset at will, but as the gift of the future grandchild. That ring wouldn''t be trusted to someone just coming into the family, and who could later divorce at any time, and take away a beloved piece, it would be kept until the oldest granddaughter ''had enough sense'' ..and a remount would not be permitted. I got my grandmother''s wedding band at 16, my mom got her grandmother''s band at 14, my daughter will inherit her grandmother''s set probably around 21, she loses things and asked to be older before she is trusted with them.

I say, lock up the original ring, and do not change the setting. If you guys have kids, then it becomes a RHR for the oldest daughter. That is a piece of family history. You may have to settle for a smaller stone, or even get another ''used one'' (don''t knock ''em, I wear one proudly) but then it becomes the ring you pass down to your granddaughter.

 

[reader]

This might be a little odd for you, but if you do decide to use the stone, how about a cleansing ritual? Lots of cultures ''clean stones'' before they use them for prayer or medicine, a dish of holy or salt water, sage smudging or even asking your pastor to bless the ring with a prayer that the committment you are entering will be full of love for both families could make it feel better. Then, go give it some good memories...celebrate being engaged in a way that makes you both happy.

Sorry if it sounds too ''new age'' but, I like the idea of having an engagement ring blessed anyway...engagement is one big promise!

 

[ladykemma]

i agree with what galatea said about the family heirloom thing. OP is confusing two issues.

but, it has been discussed here about how the future bride should be allowed to refuse the family stone if it is not her style, too small, etc.

i have no problems resetting a stone, even an heirloom stone. what do you do if the shank is paper thin?

 

[anchor31]

I have to admit that, like Galateia, I don''t understand why you are so disgusted by that ring. If it''s only the fact that his ex wore it and not that you don''t like it, I don''t get it. Like other have said, it''s not his ex''s ring, it''s his mother''s. Plus, he''s resetting it for you. I would have been very happy to have that chance! Resetting it does make a difference, because then it''s no longer his mother''s in a sense, but yours, with his mother''s stone. I certainly wouldn''t call a heirloom a leftover... Yikes.

That said, I hope you can find a solution that will be satisfactory to both of you. Welcome out of lurkdom!

 

[ephemery1]

I agree with almost all the previous comments... just wanted to add, I'd be miserable if my boyfriend "recycled" a ring he had made for his ex-girlfriend, but since this is his MOM'S ring, not his ex-gf's... I really can't imagine your boyfriend is being disrespectful or inconsiderate or stingy in any way... just sentimental! And honestly, his "defense" when you talked about it that last time makes a lot of sense to me... but it sounds like you thought he was just making excuses?

That said, I wouldn't want to wear the exact same style of ring either... so I think changing the setting to something totally different is a great idea. He's already changing it from gold to platinum... why not add some sidestones or pave or a halo? You might be surprised at how different the stone can look!

But maybe you just don't like the stone (if it's round and you prefer princess, etc) and would prefer to choose something on your own? If so, no big deal! Just decide on a budget together, and maybe plan to contribute to it... then find a ring that feels more suited to your unique tastes and style. Sounds like you have an awesome, understanding guy... and fortunately feel comfortable sharing your thoughts with him! Good luck...

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/6/2006 1:46:49 AM
Author:undertow
It makes me feel like I''m not special and I''m not good enough to get my own ring, that I just get what was salvaged.

This is the heart of the matter in my opinion. I think you''re tying up your self-esteem in something that has nothing to do with you, really. Try not to personalize it. He''s been planning to give his Mom''s stone to his "future wife" for way longer than he''s known you. It seems like that''s important to him & a symbol of making you "family."

Do you think if he was getting engaged to a different girl ... a "better" girl ... that he''d go out a buy a new ring of her choice and forget this whole "heirloom" idea?

Or do you really think it''s about "cheaping out" or a direct correllation to your "worth"?

My sister''s husband was given a one carat diamond by his parents to use whenever he wanted to get engaged. It wasn''t picked out with her in mind ... and might not have even been what she wanted ... but it was kinda pre-determined & set in HIS mind before SHE ever came along.

It''s about pre-conceived notions & expectations. Obviously YOUR expectation is that you future husband would be so moved with love & romance that he would go out and purchase a ring just for you ... then propose. He had a different idea. It doesn''t make either of you "right". Just different EXPECTATIONS.

If you really don''t want his mother''s stone ... or really want something different (AND you think he can AFFORD it) ... I guess you have the right to express your feelings. Guys can be kind of practical though & it might take a few tries to really get through to him about WHY etc.

One to ten scale of importance. That''s a tool I use all the time. How important on a 1-10 scale is it TO HIM that you received his mother''s stone. How important on a 1-10 scale is it TO YOU that you get "your own" stone. Discuss, negotiate from there.

Ultimately the most important part is that you''re able to come to some kind of understanding, agreement, peace about this. If you can do that ... you''ll be much more equipped for the marraige part, no?

 

[KimberlyH]

I have to concur with the other posters. Would it still be a "recycled" ring if the ex-fiance wasn't in the picture as his mother still wore it? Would it still upset you? And why after so long are you still so bitter towards his ex? He's obviously over her if he's considering marrying you, so it makes little sense to me why you even consider her, let alone feel so much spite for her. And that he plans on having it changed to platinum actually seems rather generous. I would never consider changing a family heirloom of my husbands or mine. Would a compromise of selecting what ever wedding ring you want help? Or if he has the wedding ring as well as the e-ring, perhaps a third wedding band or RHR to symbolize your union that is new?

My sister was given her MIL's ring. Her MIL is alive, her FIL passed away. They had a miserable marriage, but the sentimental value still existed for her husband so she accepted it gladly. My BIL was married before, it's quite possible his first wife wore the ring but my sister never even mentioned it, because it wasn't about my BIL's ex, it's about my BIL and his love of my sister and his parents.

ETA: I just asked my husband what he thought, and he agrees with you. He said unless your boyfriend is struggling financially there is no reason why you shouldn't get your own ring.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/6/2006 1:46:49 AM
Author:undertow
Hi, Everyone. I'm a lurking 'lady in waiting'... and I have FINALLY decided to ask you awesome ladies on here for some advice.

I've been dating a wonderful man and we live together. Things are at the point to where we have talked about marriage; I love him more than anything and I know he's 'the one' for me. He talks here and there about how he's going to propose to me at the right time; the first time he told me I was the one for him and that he wanted to marry me he pulled out this ring. No, he wasn't proposing.. he was showing me the ring he eventually would propose to me with.

Now, that sounds sweet but heres the messed up part.

The ring used to be his EX-FIANCEE'S. He said it was his mothers ring (apparently she gave it to him to propose to this girl with) and when the engagement was called off, he managed to get it back. Oh, how wonderful. That was about 5 years ago, and he knows I hate the thought of this woman even. So he told me he was planning on getting the ring changed to platinum for me because he knows I hate gold. I was just in shock.. how could he even think it was OKAY to plan on proposing to me with a leftover from his ex fiancee? It breaks my heart to even think about it... it really gets me down. It makes me feel like I'm not special and I'm not good enough to get my own ring, that I just get what was salvaged.

Please tell me I'm not being snotty about this? He brought it up again a few weeks ago, something about us getting engaged and that wretched ring again... and my heart just sank. I told him later that day how awful it made me feel that he would want to give me a ring that's been on another girls finger. How I wouldn't be able to even look at it on my hand because it's just not right, the ring was not purchased for ME, it makes me feel like I'm just not special enough. But he tried to defend himself, how he wanted to give it to me because it was his mothers, blahblah he was going to change the gold band so technically it wouldnt be the same ring.

Wrong! I still feel like I got no where with this conversation. He still doesn't seem to understand how much this is hurting me, and he HASN'T even proposed yet! A girl dreams of getting proposed to in such a romantic way, knowing that the ring that will be on her finger was meant to be for HER. Not someone elses.

Please give me some advice, ladies. I love this man so much but I feel like I'm going no where with this issue!

Thank you,

- M.

Well, maybe I don't understand heirlooms and all they stand for, but I respectfully disagree with most of the responses here.

While I do agree that it IS his mother's ring and wasn't technically his ex's (since I think it doesn't transfer ownership until they got married), the fact is that she wore it. The fact is that it makes you think of the fact that she wore it and there was someone before you. Jealousy is a nasty green eyed monster and doesn't go away because you're supposed to be the good wife and honor that heirloom.

I think Deco is right that you have to let go of the notion that he is intentionally cheaping out on you. He wants to pass an heirloom onto for you some sentimental reason...although it doesn't seem THAT sentimental to me if he's fine taking the heirloom APART to make a new ring for you. I don't have an easy answer on how to go about it...since I don't know what finanaces are like, etc. I just know that I too, wouldn't want to look at something that reminded me of a previous life and the love that another woman felt about the man that I want to marry when she accepted it first.

 

[sistagrl2004]

I don''t think I would want it either. I don''t like the idea of tearing apart an heirloom.. It could be a gift from father to his first daughter or something in the future. I like having my OWN ring that no onw I know wore. That being said, I have diamonds from ebay and what not that I could care less about their previous ownership.

 

[goldenstar]

i agree with everyone that the fact its a family ring changes the situation. i also would not want a ring that was purchased for someone else, but heirlooms are different.

i think its nice that he offered to reset the stone. i don''t see anything wrong with doing that, and it makes the ring uniquely for you.

if its important to you to have your "own ring", you are certainly entitled to express that to your BF, but its important to recogize the special significance of being offered an heirloom ring.

 

[firebirdgold]

It''s often hard not to equate how much a guy spends on our ring with how much he values us. It''s not true, but many women have a least one moment of feeling like it is. I know I did.

I see no reason to be mad that he''s offering his mother''s ring to you, unless you feel like the very fact that he was engaged before devalues your engagement. Are you worried that using the same ring means that your engagement is somehow at the same level as that failed one? um, I''m not sure I worded that right.
Basically an engagement ring is a concrete symbol of his promise to marry you and it represents an emotional security to a woman. One of the things that pray on a LIW''s mind while waiting for the proposal is the fear that he might be having second thoughts about spending the rest of his life with us. Once we get the ring and the proposal that fear vanishes like fog in the sun. The ring is a physical reassurance that he loves us no matter what.

But that ring might not convey the same reassurance for undertow. It''s been tainted by the failure and broken promises of the previous engagement. It''s been devalued by being given to that dreadful woman.


Of course I''ve been engaged before and had another''s ring on my hand, and that doesn''t lessen the meaning of my fi''s ring on my finger. It doesn''t taint my promise to marry him and to love him no matter what the future holds.

Unless the ring is ugly to you, I say you should happily accept the heirloom ring in the spirit it was meant. Think of it this way, he''ll have extra money for a really gorgeous wedding ring! And there''s always future anniversary presents

.

 

[Julian]

Maybe you could think of it this way...

You''re the rightful owner of the ring. After all, you have the wonderful man & a precious heirloom...not her.
She wasn''t worthy of that honor -- YOU are the one who is chosen to become part of the family. So maybe it was on her finger, but it''s like the sword & the stone. Only the rightful owner can make it come alive, and that''s YOU!

If you don''t like the style, that''s one thing. And maybe later you can get an e-ring of your own from scratch! For now, I would probably accept it with pride in its new setting especially for you!

 

[DMBsGirl]

I basically agree with everyone else. The ring belongs to his family, not his ex. My only problem with this would be that I would someday have to pass this ring on, and I would hate having to part with my engagement ring. If you decide to take the ring I would go to a jeweler and design something that you both love, so that it seems personal and made for you. The cleansing ritual or blessing also sounds like a good idea to me. Good luck!

 

[phoenixgirl]

There are different ways to look at this.

You made it sound like his mother rummaged around in her jewelry box to find a diamond just for this special girl. I''m sure that wasn''t the case. She intended for the diamond to go to her son to use as an engagement ring. He got engaged but it didn''t work out. If the ring is used goods, perhaps you feel like your boyfriend is used goods? Because the ring is just a symbol of the fact that he once thought he would get married to someone else. But this happens, and it''s still his mother''s diamond, intended to be worn by her daughter-in-law. That woman never became her daughter-in-law.

I understand your desire to have a completely new ring without a past. I just think that you have to weigh that against everything else. Some of us here are diamond-obsessed, and we might take a larger, nicer diamond with a past. I know it''s horrible that I just wrote that. I just want to make sure you consider that your boyfriend may not feel that he has all that much to spend or that he should spend all that much, knowing that he has a perfectly good diamond waiting in the wings.

How I wouldn''t be able to even look at it on my hand because it''s just not right, the ring was not purchased for ME, it makes me feel like I''m just not special enough.

But the ring wasn''t purchased for the other woman either. It''s an heirloom. So is your objection against all heirlooms?

I wear my grandmother''s diamond as my engagement ring. Yes, it''s sentimental, but part of the decision was that I could have a one plus carat diamond without bankrupting my husband. Sure, it would have been a wonderful thing if he had scrimped and saved to buy me a half carat diamond, but I would have felt bad that that the money didn''t go to something for the both of us or for our savings.

I have several friends with broken engagements. One even wore the dress she picked out for her first wedding to her second. I don''t think the diamond is tainted because someone else wore it. That''s in the past, and you got the man and will get the diamond. However, if you just can''t stomach the thought of it, then I think you need to be flexible about what he can get you instead. Maybe he can turn the $1000 he was planning to spend resetting your diamond into $2000 (these are hypothetical numbers), but I don''t think you can expect him to suddenly come up with enough money to buy a comparable or better diamond.

 

[diamondfan]

I can see the bigger picture but agree that since he did not go out and buy the ring for his ex, it is a bit different...

I get you prefer platinum...and did not see comments about shape or size being an issue, just that he did give it to another girl first. I would not love that, but again, since it really came from the mom, was not chosen by him to give or chosen by the former fiancee, I think I might be okay with it...but cannot really say having never been in the place you find yourself.

Can you examine why it really upsets you and see a way around it? Maybe you can take it, and some day replace it, keeping this one intact for a daughter to inherit?

 

[MINE!!]

I have no idea how to respond to turning down an heirloom because someone else wore it. It seems to be something he is prooud of... i just./.. well.... why.... ????

 

[jasper]

UnderTow,

I agree with you. (Though I might feel differently if a similar situation happened to me.) No matter how much or how little is spent on an engagement ring, the value of an engagement ring is mostly sentimental. Your engagement ring should be something that you can look at every day, and feel joy about the thoughtful fellow who asked to marry you.

Would rather have a plain ring, or a pearl ring, than a ring made from this stone?

On the other hand, I do not know what emotions your boyfriend (and his mom) have invested in your future mother-in-law's ring. Have you asked your boyfriend's mom what this ring means to her? Maybe she has some stories to share with you.

It sounds like it is important to your boyfriend (and his family) that his mom's stone stay in the family. Does he have any other relatives (or potential relatives) that would treasure this ring?

With best wishes,

Jasper