Shyness

[HopeDream]

I have a problem with shyness and making friends.

I’m kind of picky about type of people I’m friends with, and only really want to make friends with people who I feel a real connection with.

The problem is that when I meet cool people I’d really like to be friends with, I get totally shy and freeze up and then end up avoiding them for fear that they may reject me. (During my childhood I was rejected quite a bit). As a result I don’t have as many friends as I would like.

Any tips on getting over this paralyzing shyness/social awkwardness?

In a more formalized work or volunteer-related role I have no problems with speaking to strangers, I just freak out when I actually care about the outcome of the interaction.

Thanks!

 

[JewelFreak]

The best advice I've ever been given is, "Don't compare their outside with your inside." Everyone feels shy at times, everyone, even Elizabeth Taylor. I used to do the same as you. What freed me was the realization that others are the same, though they may hide it better.

Another necessity is to forget yourself. When it hit me that shyness is a form of self-centered-ness (new word!), a light went on. You feel like people are evaluating you, thinking icky things about you, finding you wanting. Actually -- you are doing that to yourself. They are wondering if you see the zit on their chins, or if they look fat.

This is one big area where pretending makes things real. Pretend you're confident, be cheerful -- think of yourself as you are in work situations -- be that person when you meet someone. Forget your own feelings -- ask about them, find out their interests. The more you practice this, the easier it becomes until one day you're amazed to discover it is real.

So you were rejected in the past; it's over, forget it. Otherwise the people who did so will control your future. That part is up to you. We can change if we use the mental discipline to take the next step, then the next. It's a fun challenge after you get the hang of it. Don't give up when it's hard, just keep chugging!

--- Laurie

 

[Dreamer_D]

Jewel Freak has good advice.

I also suggest you "fake it 'til you make it". Try to think of a person whom you know who acts socially the way you would like to act, and channel them in the beginning. Do what they would do. "Acting" in the start can help make the situation less scary. Its a fine balance, because you do not want to be phony. But you want to channel your most outgoing and fearless self! I know she exists.

 

[Dancing Fire]

I have a problem with shyness and making friends.


Thanks!

me too!

 

[chrono]

I agree with the fake it till you make it suggestion. There's no question you are going to feel silly, self conscious and out of your comfort zone but given time, it will start to feel less forced.

 

[Haven]

Another necessity is to forget yourself. When it hit me that shyness is a form of self-centered-ness (new word!), a light went on. You feel like people are evaluating you, thinking icky things about you, finding you wanting. Actually -- you are doing that to yourself. They are wondering if you see the zit on their chins, or if they look fat.

THIS!

I have a friend who is extremely shy, and it took a couple years for me to realize just how much she believed other people were thinking about her, and scrutinizing her. I was honestly pretty shocked that she really believed people were paying very close attention to her all the time, because the truth is that they just plain aren't. Most people are too busy worrying about themselves.

 

[HopeDream]

JewelFreak, Dreamer_D, Dancing Fire, Chrono, Haven: Thank you for the great advice!

I'll try to fake it more and just be me. Part of the trouble is that when I meet new people (especially actors, artists etc.) they all seem so cool and talented and lead such exciting lives, and I feel like I should become more interesting and more like them.

I'll do my best to channel my inner awesome, but there is always that temptation to try to become someone different in order to fit in (If I even make it that far).

I also worry that I'll over-do it and that everything I do is weird. I'M. So. Awkward.

Ok... Taking your advice, and chilling out, and not being too self-absorbed.

 

[stargurl78]

HopeDream, I am EXACTLY like you in this regard. Yup, so awkward.

Thank you to JewelFreak for the great advice! Definitely going to try your suggestions.

 

[gem_anemone]

Don't have much advice other than, try not to worry about what others are thinking. Other people are not usually going about judging people (if they are do you really want to be their friend?). Like a PP said, people are busy and worried about their own selves. If you are nice and fun to be around, then people will like you.

 

[rubybeth]

I'll try to fake it more and just be me. Part of the trouble is that when I meet new people (especially actors, artists etc.) they all seem so cool and talented and lead such exciting lives, and I feel like I should become more interesting and more like them.

Ehh, people don't want to hang out with someone who is exactly like them. It's good to have friends with a variety of interests/backgrounds. They probably think you're interesting because you DON'T share the same career. I certainly don't want to talk about work all the time, so it's nice to have friends who work in different fields or who are stay-at-home parents or whatever. And, I'm a librarian but I think I'm pretty cool and talented, and my friends tend to think so, too--anyone who doesn't think I'm interesting or doesn't want to be friends with me isn't worth my time/effort anyway. Just remember: you're cool in your own way!

 

[iLander]

The best advice I've ever been given is, "Don't compare their outside with your inside." Everyone feels shy at times, everyone, even Elizabeth Taylor. I used to do the same as you. What freed me was the realization that others are the same, though they may hide it better.

Another necessity is to forget yourself. When it hit me that shyness is a form of self-centered-ness (new word!), a light went on. You feel like people are evaluating you, thinking icky things about you, finding you wanting. Actually -- you are doing that to yourself. They are wondering if you see the zit on their chins, or if they look fat.

This is one big area where pretending makes things real. Pretend you're confident, be cheerful -- think of yourself as you are in work situations -- be that person when you meet someone. Forget your own feelings -- ask about them, find out their interests. The more you practice this, the easier it becomes until one day you're amazed to discover it is real.

So you were rejected in the past; it's over, forget it. Otherwise the people who did so will control your future. That part is up to you. We can change if we use the mental discipline to take the next step, then the next. It's a fun challenge after you get the hang of it. Don't give up when it's hard, just keep chugging!

--- Laurie

You are SOOO smart Laurie! I have told my kids for years "Don't worry what people think of you, they don't do it very much".

I also find that people think others are just like them. If they're critical, they think everyone else is too. (I got this from my DIL, who is so quiet and shy, and then I overhear her whispering critical things about me to DS. Sadly, I take her being critical into account when I go out with her, and because it ticks me off, I go out of my way to annoy her. But that's not the point today. . . )

The OP should realize that not everyone will evaluate every little thing about you, and maybe you should give other people a break too. Who was it in your life that needled you all the time? This person now lives in your head. Get rid of them.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

You're not giving yourself enough credit for the great person you are! Don't try and fake it...People can sense that AND you'll also feel like it's all about pleasing other people and you may find you compromise too often to ensure people like you. (Or at least, that's been my experience...)

The people you want to be friends with should enjoy you for who you are. It takes time to develop a relationship and friends come and go in our lives, and that is normal, so don't let past experiences scare you from looking for new friends.

I know it's painful cliché, but taking a class in something you enjoy is a great way to make some casual friends!

 

[iLander]

JewelFreak, Dreamer_D, Dancing Fire, Chrono, Haven: Thank you for the great advice!

I'll try to fake it more and just be me. Part of the trouble is that when I meet new people (especially actors, artists etc.) they all seem so cool and talented and lead such exciting lives, and I feel like I should become more interesting and more like them.

I'll do my best to channel my inner awesome, but there is always that temptation to try to become someone different in order to fit in (If I even make it that far).

I also worry that I'll over-do it and that everything I do is weird. I'M. So. Awkward.

Ok... Taking your advice, and chilling out, and not being too self-absorbed.

Actors are . . . acting.

And having lived with an artist for almost 30 years, I can tell you they are the most insecure people you will ever meet. No matter how pretentious or jerky they are, there's still a little kid in there, holding up a picture and saying "What do you think, Mom?" Just give them an honest compliment (they can smell fake) and they will love you.

As for being someone different, of course you are. I am different at a business meeting than I am at home. Different with friends, different with strangers. A personality has many shades.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I used to be painfully shy. Totally steamed from fear of rejection and low self-esteem. I was afraid to even ask my friends over to play or say hi to classmates in public. I would never even order my own food. I remember being a freshman in high school and being really tired of my shyness and how it held me back. I realized my shyness was often mistaken for a snobby vibe.I made the decision to change. Change only happens when the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying the same. So it was a process but today I consider myself fairly outgoing. I still revert back into my shy mode in large groups of people or with people that I don't know but I warm up much quicker than when I was younger. If you want to change, I believe you can. Good luck.