shower frustrations

[mimzy]

i thought that i had the issue of my shower worked out when my mom agreed to let me just have one shower and have all invited come to that one (including my stepmom and her few invites). I REALLY only wanted to have one shower and i wanted to keep it to people that i am close to....which was going to work because the limit my stepaunt set for me was 50. so i thought, perfect! there are over 200 people invited to the wedding, so less than half the women invited to the wedding will be invited to the shower. fine by me!

until FMIL asked if she was going to be able to invite the women that she is inviting to the wedding to the shower, citing that traditionally every woman invited to the wedding could go to the shower if they wanted to. i explained that i wanted to keep it very small and that i was only comfortable inviting people that i had a personal relationship with.....she pointed out that i had met them before. yes, that's true....sigh.

so the issue is that it isn't "fair" that she isn't able to invite her friends to the shower when my mom and stepmom will be able to (invite a FEW that i've known for a long time). but is it "fair" that I have to cut people from the list that i've known for 15+ years so that she can have friends there?

yes, weddings aren't just about the bride and groom, they are about families. but what about the shower? i think it is extremely weird that i would invite these women who i've met maybe once or twice to an event where the point is to celebrate with my nearest and dearest. i DON'T want the shower to be about getting gifts....if that was the case i'd take the two showers and invite everyone. i know that if i got an invite to a shower of someone i barely knew i would just think that they were looking for gifts or that they invited me out of obligation. the women are very nice, etc and we're happy to have them at the wedding, but i'm just not thrilled about the shower.

i know that FMIL will be very put off if she isn't able to invite them. and i'm fairly certain it would have some serious repercussions. so do i: 1)suck it up and have two showers - one with people i love, and one with people that i really don't know? (which makes me want to die inside), 2) just have one but let her invite her friends (probably 5) and just try not to be bitter about it or 3) be firm and stand my ground?

i should mention that my mom's husband's sister is throwing the party for me in her home and that my stepmom is contributing financially to it. FMIL isn't at all. also i have a big family, so 25 out of the 50 is aunts and first cousins, so it really only leaves 25 spots for non-family members. i've never met any of FI's family except his grandmother who lives in canada and one aunt who would likely be invited

 

[Cleopatra]

Hi Mimzy - I think that the shower is about the BRIDE - and I believe that all guests should be up to the person who is honored at the shower.

My shower is next weekend and I made the list - I''m also having over 200 people at my wedding - 250 to be closer and I gave a list 60 ladies to my MOH - those were the ones invited - no more.

Who''s to say that these women that your stepmom want to invite even want to come? Showers are boring (IMO) and I want to avoid them at all costs - I even objected to my own shower.

I say hold your ground, however hard it may be - let your stepmom know that the limits have been set and there is no way around them - You want your dear family friends there and want it to be an intimate occasion with women who you know and love, not those who need to be invited for the sake of someone else.

 

[mimzy]

thanks for replying cleopatra! that''s certainly what i want to do, but i''m just not sure if i can face the consequence. it''s actually my FMIL that wants to invite the people, not my stepmom (i''m fine with her friends, i''ve known them for a long time too), so the repercussions are a little more daunting. FMIL tends to be victimized a lot in her own mind, and i know that this would only feed into it.

 

[Cleopatra]

Oooo - Sorry I missed that.

FMILs can be so tricky. Do what THEY want, you sell yourself out. Do what YOU want, you''re stuck with the repercussions for the rest of your life - ha!

Personally, what I would do - although, I have a VERY understanding FMIL who would never ask me to do something I didn''t want to - I would tell her in a very loving way that it''s nothing personal against her or her friends - just that limits were set and they must be followed. Let her know that you are happy to invite them to the wedding as it''s a celebration for both families - the shower in particular, is more about the bride, her family and friends and being surrounded by CLOSE loved ones. Also, let her know that your family members are excited to meet/see her - this way, she can know that she will be able to mingle with others even though her friends won''t be there...

I''m not much help, am I?

 

[laine]

Am I reading right that the friends that FMIL wants to invite just adds up to 5 extra women? If thats the case, I'd just suck it up and let her invite them. Not really knowing 5 people out 50 isn't that bad, and it will make her happy. If you don't want FMIL to throw you a shower with her friends (which I understand), I think you need to include them in the shower you are having.

If I'm misunderstanding and its more than that, could you maybe tell her she can just invite 5 people? And is it space or money limitations that keep it at 50? If its money, maybe ask FMIL to contribute a small amount, or offer a bit of money yourself to bump up the numbers. If its space, use that as the excuse why she can only invite 5 guests (or 3 or whatever)

 

[sumbride]

If you want to just have one shower, it should be what you want, but I''m curious as to why a shower of your FMIL''s friends would make you want to "die inside"? They want to celebrate you. Why does that hurt? Your feelings are valid, of course, I''m just not quite sure I get it.

I had 2 showers... one of my closest friends thrown by my bridesmaids, and a gigantic one thrown by my mom''s friends. That one had everybody else... all my mom''s friends, my grandmother''s friends, etc... True, I didn''t know most of the people there, but I''d met almost all of them a few times. I knew almost all of the hostesses really well, but there was one I''d never met! They threw the party for my mom to celebrate me. It was a gift. And everybody had fun mingling and talking to each other. It was beautiful and it helped them to meet me a little bit before the wedding. And I know you''re not in it for the presents (is anybody really?) but I cleaned up. And then when I saw the women at the wedding, I could place a name with a face, mostly.

I had 400 people at my wedding and about 150 people at that shower, plus another 20 at my "personal shower". I also had a work shower.

yes, weddings are all about the bride and groom, but some parts of them are supposed to be about letting the people that want to celebrate you do so.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 5/7/2008 10:54:52 AM
Author: laine
Am I reading right that the friends that FMIL wants to invite just adds up to 5 extra women? If thats the case, I''d just suck it up and let her invite them. Not really knowing 5 people out 50 isn''t that bad, and it will make her happy. If you don''t want FMIL to throw you a shower with her friends (which I understand), I think you need to include them in the shower you are having.


If I''m misunderstanding and its more than that, could you maybe tell her she can just invite 5 people? And is it space or money limitations that keep it at 50? If its money, maybe ask FMIL to contribute a small amount, or offer a bit of money yourself to bump up the numbers. If its space, use that as the excuse why she can only invite 5 guests (or 3 or whatever)

part of me thinks you''re right. but going through a potential guest list it''s already difficult to get the number of close family friends and my personal friends and wedding party down to 25 (the other 25 are aunts and 1st cousins) and to take that # down to 20 is going to be extremely difficult, to the tune of cutting people that have been in my life for almost two decades.

she never offered to throw me a shower or to contribute to this one (which i never expected anyways), and i really don''t think i''d feel comfortable asking her to contribute. (i can just hear it now "she wants me to pay for my guests! she gets to invite 50 people but i have to pay for my five!"); but it really is more of a space issue than a money one since it is in her home.

 

[laine]

I understand the money thing. I''m not sure I''d ask either, but I thought I''d throw it out there. Do you know anything about her guests? Could you let her invite just 3, or are the 5 an all or nothing type group? And are you limiting it to 50 invites, or 50 guests? Because I would assume that at least a few won''t be able to make it, so you could invite a few extra people and end up with 50 attending. I know its tough, but I think you should find a way to let her have a few of her friends there.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 5/7/2008 11:02:06 AM
Author: sumbride
If you want to just have one shower, it should be what you want, but I'm curious as to why a shower of your FMIL's friends would make you want to 'die inside'? They want to celebrate you. Why does that hurt? Your feelings are valid, of course, I'm just not quite sure I get it.

I had 2 showers... one of my closest friends thrown by my bridesmaids, and a gigantic one thrown by my mom's friends. That one had everybody else... all my mom's friends, my grandmother's friends, etc... True, I didn't know most of the people there, but I'd met almost all of them a few times. I knew almost all of the hostesses really well, but there was one I'd never met! They threw the party for my mom to celebrate me. It was a gift. And everybody had fun mingling and talking to each other. It was beautiful and it helped them to meet me a little bit before the wedding. And I know you're not in it for the presents (is anybody really?) but I cleaned up. And then when I saw the women at the wedding, I could place a name with a face, mostly.

I had 400 people at my wedding and about 150 people at that shower, plus another 20 at my 'personal shower'. I also had a work shower.

yes, weddings are all about the bride and groom, but some parts of them are supposed to be about letting the people that want to celebrate you do so.

it's a combination of not liking being the center of attention (ESPECIALLY of people that i don't know) and the fact that i know i would feel like a fraud. it would just be a really really awkward and uncomfortable situation for me. i'm not really a social person to begin with and the thought of having a ton of ladies that i don't know and that don't know me just makes me ill, even if it is in the name of 'celebrating' me.

. they can celebrate me and FI at our wedding!

 

[sumbride]

Ok, that makes sense. Sometimes being a bride does feel a bit like playing a part. I guess that''s how I looked at it. For mine it was "show up in a dress, open these presents and say hi to everyone". I didn''t really spend a lot of time talking because I was too busy opening, but though it didn''t bother me, I can see why you''d be uncomfortable if you''re a bit of a wallflower. I can put on a good public face after years of practice. My smaller shower was a lot more fun, aside from my MIL being there. I wish she''d invited more of her friends because she''s better behaved when surrounded by people she knows. Her one friend she did invite (whom I adore!) had surgery the week before so wasn''t able to attend.

I hope you get EXACTLY what you want Mimzy!!! Showers can be fun, try not to agonize too much!

 

[gwendolyn]

I can understand not wanting to have people you don''t know there. It would make me feel like I was inviting them so I would get gifts from them, so I too would only want people at my shower that were important to me.

I don''t suppose there''s any way to invite the people you want, and that if some of the people you WANT to be able to go won''t be able to make it for whatever reason, that then she could invite her guests, but that otherwise the guest list stands as it is? Maybe just invite who you want to, get your RSVPs back, and if there are open spaces, great! Tell your FMIL she can invite 3 of her 5 friends, or however many people can''t show? And if everyone can attend, well...just tell her, sorry, no space?

 

[mimzy]

Date: 5/7/2008 11:27:30 AM
Author: laine
I understand the money thing. I''m not sure I''d ask either, but I thought I''d throw it out there. Do you know anything about her guests? Could you let her invite just 3, or are the 5 an all or nothing type group? And are you limiting it to 50 invites, or 50 guests? Because I would assume that at least a few won''t be able to make it, so you could invite a few extra people and end up with 50 attending. I know its tough, but I think you should find a way to let her have a few of her friends there.

i think that we could probably limit it to 3. i would have to be firm on it though (haha) because she would probably make me feeling guilty for making her choose and for making her take the risk of offending people. and you''re right about the invites vs. people who show up. everybody except like two people are in town, but there will probably be at least a handful that don''t come.

 

[swimmer]

Mimzy,
Its a tough situation you are in, just ask yourself, "is this worth it?" That has been my mantra these days, my shower had a cap of 30, (MoH's home) and FMIL wanted to invite 20, not including herself, my fsils, me, my mom, and my sisters. So, I let all but two of my friends off the hook (had to uninvite some actually) and had a lovely day getting to know (FOR THE FIRST TIME) my FMIL's dearest friends. I was pissed at first that this was going to be the way the day was going to go, but I want to enjoy the next several decades in her family so gave it up and had brunch with my girls soon after. Getting to know these women was wonderful, decades of married bliss...they had some wisdom to share, and stories about FI as a little guy! I know it is hard, and its supposed to be all about making you the blushing bride happy, but blending families is never easy (even the Bradys had a few bumps), so perhaps take the long term perspective...

But totally vent about it and get it out of your system!
hugs to you.

 

[laine]

Ooh, Swimmer, I really like that idea! Keep the shower mostly family and family friends (including FMIL's guests), then invite all your friends out for a separate occasion, like brunch or a mini-shower before a bachelorette party or something. Even though the shower may not be your nearest and dearest, there will be 50 people there, so it isn't exactly going to be intimate no matter who is there. Then you can get some quality time in a more low key setting with your best friends. Yeah, I'm really liking this plan!

Mimzy, is that something that might work for you?

 

[blondie23]

I feel like this situation isn't really about "5 more guests" that you don't really know. I view it as a slippery slope. If you cave on this (and other things) then you FMIL will think she can ALWAYS do this to you and get her way. Maybe I'm bitter because my FMIL is CONSTANTLY doing things like this and I have finally perfected the art of saying "NO".

I do agree that you need to pick your battles and ask '"is this worth it?"...if the answer is yes, then be prepared for the consequences but also be ok with your choice. My FMIL was so upset with a decision my FI and I had made about our ceremony that she did not speak to us for 2 months. I don't think she was prepared for my FI saying, "This is our wedding and we will do what we want. You can either be supportive and say nothing, or not come. It's your choice"

Honestly, this shower isn;t a battle I would fight but I would completely understand if you chose to tell her "No"...it would be different if she was throwing the shower or contributing.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 5/7/2008 1:20:57 PM
Author: laine
Ooh, Swimmer, I really like that idea! Keep the shower mostly family and family friends (including FMIL''s guests), then invite all your friends out for a separate occasion, like brunch or a mini-shower before a bachelorette party or something. Even though the shower may not be your nearest and dearest, there will be 50 people there, so it isn''t exactly going to be intimate no matter who is there. Then you can get some quality time in a more low key setting with your best friends. Yeah, I''m really liking this plan!


Mimzy, is that something that might work for you?

Laine and Swimmer, i would really like to be able to do something like this, but i''m not comfortable asking someone else to throw another shower, even if it is ''mini''. my MOH is in med school and none of my other bridesmaids are really in a financial position to do that, and i definitely don''t have the funds.

and blondie, you are right. even though i am severely irked at cutting five people that are important to me and my family, i''m also a little bothered that she would assume that she would be able to invite everyone that her and her husband were inviting to the wedding to the shower that MY aunt was throwing me without offering to contribute. the way things are here usually the bride has two showers - one given by each family OR they have one joint one where everyone contributes. when i talked it over with FI he was under the impression that it was the bride''s families responsibility to host the shower for everyone and that he figured his mom thought that the shower money was coming out of the money my parents gave us as a gift for the wedding. UM, NO. i know he''s a guy but i wonder if she actually thinks that.....

 

[swimmer]

Oh honey, I didn't mean to add another layer of something to be planned...the ladies (6 nearest and dearest) and I just went to our fave diner, ignored the waiters' glares for us to move on, and split the bill. Its usually around $6-8 a person to fill yourself with diner staples. Perhaps they covered mine, not sure, it was just a celebration of us, nothing planned, don't think I brushed my hair, but it was a great ritual of passage that I'll treasure.
Dear Lord knows I wasn't suggesting another planned elaborate event.

But Blondie might really be on to something there, is it really about the 5 people? 1/10th of the guest list?

 

[havernell]

Date: 5/7/2008 10:25:28 AM
Author:mimzy

so the issue is that it isn't 'fair' that she isn't able to invite her friends to the shower when my mom and stepmom will be able to (invite a FEW that i've known for a long time). but is it 'fair' that I have to cut people from the list that i've known for 15+ years so that she can have friends there?

yes, weddings aren't just about the bride and groom, they are about families. but what about the shower? i think it is extremely weird that i would invite these women who i've met maybe once or twice to an event where the point is to celebrate with my nearest and dearest.

I think for your own precious sanity that you should go for option 2) just have one but let her invite her friends (probably 5) and just try not to be bitter about it.

Does it help not to be bitter if you think about the shower this way: the shower isn't just about the bride, but rather about family/friends helping the bride AND groom start their lives together (since people are giving you gifts to set up your home)? In that sense, these women who are close friends of your FMIL have probably been in your FIs life for a long time/watched him grow up (i.e. have know him 15+ years just like your Mom's friends have known you for 15+ years). So, they may genuinely want to help him and his chosen one (you!) get a good start to married life. I guess what I'm saying is the shower isn't just so you can celebrate with YOUR nearest and dearest, but with you and your FIs nearest and dearest. You and your FI are becoming a unit, there is no more "my", but rather "our" nearest and dearest.

Finally, why are you being made to be the mediator between your FMIL and the shower host over the invite list anyway? Why can't they work it out themselves? Technically I don't think the bride is supposed to be involved in the drawing up of the guest list for the shower in the first place. Give that stress to the people involved in planning the party and let them deal with it! Good luck mimzy!!

 

[mimzy]

Date: 5/8/2008 5:08:21 AM
Author: swimmer
Oh honey, I didn't mean to add another layer of something to be planned...the ladies (6 nearest and dearest) and I just went to our fave diner, ignored the waiters' glares for us to move on, and split the bill. Its usually around $6-8 a person to fill yourself with diner staples. Perhaps they covered mine, not sure, it was just a celebration of us, nothing planned, don't think I brushed my hair, but it was a great ritual of passage that I'll treasure.

Dear Lord knows I wasn't suggesting another planned elaborate event.

But Blondie might really be on to something there, is it really about the 5 people? 1/10th of the guest list?

ah, okay! i get it now haha. that might work, but it would probably be the exact same as the bachelorette party haha (i'm not a bar hoping kind of girl). i guess i will just rely on the bachelorette party for the sort of event i am looking for!

and technically it would be 1/10th of the guest list, but like i said before about half of it is non negotiable family, and that leaves 25 spots for my friends, my mom's friends and my stepmom's friends...so 5 people is really more like 1/5th of the guest list.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 5/8/2008 5:45:13 AM
Author: havernell

Date: 5/7/2008 10:25:28 AM

Author:mimzy


so the issue is that it isn''t ''fair'' that she isn''t able to invite her friends to the shower when my mom and stepmom will be able to (invite a FEW that i''ve known for a long time). but is it ''fair'' that I have to cut people from the list that i''ve known for 15+ years so that she can have friends there?


yes, weddings aren''t just about the bride and groom, they are about families. but what about the shower? i think it is extremely weird that i would invite these women who i''ve met maybe once or twice to an event where the point is to celebrate with my nearest and dearest.

I think for your own precious sanity that you should go for option 2) just have one but let her invite her friends (probably 5) and just try not to be bitter about it.
Does it help not to be bitter if you think about the shower this way: the shower isn''t just about the bride, but rather about family/friends helping the bride AND groom start their lives together (since people are giving you gifts to set up your home)? In that sense, these women who are close friends of your FMIL have probably been in your FIs life for a long time/watched him grow up (i.e. have know him 15+ years just like your Mom''s friends have known you for 15+ years). So, they may genuinely want to help him and his chosen one (you!) get a good start to married life. I guess what I''m saying is the shower isn''t just so you can celebrate with YOUR nearest and dearest, but with you and your FIs nearest and dearest. You and your FI are becoming a unit, there is no more ''my'', but rather ''our'' nearest and dearest.
Finally, why are you being made to be the mediator between your FMIL and the shower host over the invite list anyway? Why can''t they work it out themselves? Technically I don''t think the bride is supposed to be involved in the drawing up of the guest list for the shower in the first place. Give that stress to the people involved in planning the party and let them deal with it! Good luck mimzy!!

thanks for your reply havernell! i guess i am going to have to look at it that way. and i know that these women are genuinely happy for us (they are nice ladies), i guess i am just having this feeling like along with my FMIL they are crashing the party, so to speak. and i know what you''re saying about them being important to FI, but he doesn''t really know them either. it seems like FMIL wants to invite them because she won''t really know everyone else and wants to have people in her corner.

i know it''s not going to be the end of the world or anything, it''s just sort of disappointing i guess. but i''ll suck it up. and the reason i''m dealing with the guest list is because we are still in the pre planning stages and FMIL brought it up with me, as she''s never met my aunt that is hosting the shower.