Should I just give up and elope?

[panda08]

Ugh... I''m one week into wedding planning and I''m already stressing. FI wants to elope because he has family issues he wants to avoid. I, on the other hand, have a good relationship with my family and would like to share the occasion with them. While I originally agreed to an elopement, with my family''s blessing, I can''t help but think that I''d really prefer them to be present.

As a compromise, I threw out the idea of having a small DW in Hawaii and continuing to Tahiti for our honeymoon but we were concerned about costs, as we''re paying for everything ourselves. Well, through my brother''s generosity, a large part of that was alleviated, because he offered to rent a villa for a week to hold the wedding and give us our honeymoon stay as a wedding gift. He suggested a gorgeous place with a sloping lawn to a private beach. FI and I consulted with my mom and picked a date in August 2009.

Great, right? Wrong. Because we''re planning a wedding instead of eloping, FI wants to invite his mom and only sister. He thinks his mom will pressure him into inviting his dad. His parents have been estranged for over 30 years. He doesn''t speak to his dad and I don''t know the last time he spoke to, or saw, his sister. I''ve never met either of them. His relationship with his mom is difficult and is one he struggles with. She''s nice enough to me, on the two occasions I''ve seen her.

I don''t mind that FI wants to invite them. Any potential drama is his to handle. BUT, he not only wants to invite them, he wants us to PAY for them to attend because they cannot afford the trip. If we do that, it''ll blow the budget out of the water and defeat our goal of not spending a ton on a wedding. The issue also grates on me because I''m not inclined to spend that kind of money on them, especially when FI would have gladly excluded all of them in favor of eloping. I know that he wants to include them only because my family''s attending and not because he wants his family to attend. I would feel differently about the situation if he had a good relationship with his family.

Am I being totally selfish? Or is this the price I have to pay in order to have my family at our wedding? Neither of us wants to do something local. Our conversations about the wedding are starting to get tense. Should I just give up and elope?

 

[WishfulThinking]

Tough situation, panda.

I think if you consider eloping "giving up" you still have a lot of talking to do with your FI. I am all about eloping--and eloped myself!!--but I think it's the sort of thing that has to be what you *want*.

A budget question that may be too personal [and if it is just give it some thought in your head]: CAN you afford to fly his parents and sister to the location of your DW? I know it defeats the goal or not spending a ton, but does that mean you really can't afford it, or that you just don't want to because you don't understand why you should have to pay for it given the lack of relationship he has with his family? I don't blame you for being irked, because I would be too, but you might just have to leave it at that compromise. But only if you can afford it.

Even though the conversations are tense I think you need to keep working through it. Best of luck!

 

[katamari]

Huge ditto to Wishful!

"Eloping," particularly if you are going to go somewhere else is not stress free. In fact, I would imagine that if you hired a wedding coordinator or decided to go to a bridal show and just hire the first vendors you come across, you could plan a bland, but traditional wedding far more easily. When it comes to a wedding, there doesn't seem to be any getting off easy or stress free. Just planning a vacation is stressful enough. I think all you can do is focus on the two of you and make sure you are able to enjoy the day as much as possible without any animosity or resentment about how things unfolded.

I do, though, see your FI's side. My family (extended to include aunts, uncles, and cousins) live all across the country and no two families even live in the same state. As a result, are not terribly close. One large factor in FI and I eloping with just our parents was because if we did extend it to parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, he would likely bring 20-30 guests while I might bring 5. I felt very uncomfortable as a result, even if I am not as close to my family as he is to his.

For your situation, would there be any place to elope close to cut down on the costs? Then, you could either honeymoon to the villa in Hawaii or continue to Tahiti. There is really no reason why you need to go to Hawaii. There are breathtaking locations all over the globe. This way you address the need to get away and keep the cost low by eliminating flight costs and long hotel stays (and your family might appreciate this, too).

Whatever you decide, though, I do suggest you have an open and honest conversation with your FI about it because I am sure you don't want to start a marriage with hard feelings stemming from the ceremony.

 

[panda08]

Date: 1/2/2009 4:36:32 PM
Author: WishfulThinking
Tough situation, panda.

I think if you consider eloping ''giving up'' you still have a lot of talking to do with your FI. I am all about eloping--and eloped myself!!--but I think it''s the sort of thing that has to be what you *want*.


A budget question that may be too personal [and if it is just give it some thought in your head]: CAN you afford to fly his parents and sister to the location of your DW? I know it defeats the goal or not spending a ton, but does that mean you really can''t afford it, or that you just don''t want to because you don''t understand why you should have to pay for it given the lack of relationship he has with his family? I don''t blame you for being irked, because I would be too, but you might just have to leave it at that compromise. But only if you can afford it.


Even though the conversations are tense I think you need to keep working through it. Best of luck!

Thanks, Wishful. I don''t really think that eloping is "giving up". I''m really torn. Some days, I think eloping sounds great: lower stress, romantic, less planning, more economical. Other days, I want a small wedding so that family can attend, as I wonder whether I''ll regret it if I don''t do it that way. I saw your elopement pictures and you two looked so beautiful and happy! Looking back, did you wish family was there?

I can afford to fly his family to the DW. My issue isn''t with FI but with his family, who haven''t really been there for him and/or have treated him poorly. I would be much happier to spend that money on them if the only issue was that they can''t afford it.

 

[panda08]

Date: 1/2/2009 10:35:56 PM
Author: katamari
Huge ditto to Wishful!


''Eloping,'' particularly if you are going to go somewhere else is not stress free. In fact, I would imagine that if you hired a wedding coordinator or decided to go to a bridal show and just hire the first vendors you come across, you could plan a bland, but traditional wedding far more easily. When it comes to a wedding, there doesn''t seem to be any getting off easy or stress free. Just planning a vacation is stressful enough. I think all you can do is focus on the two of you and make sure you are able to enjoy the day as much as possible without any animosity or resentment about how things unfolded.


I do, though, see your FI''s side. My family (extended to include aunts, uncles, and cousins) live all across the country and no two families even live in the same state. As a result, are not terribly close. One large factor in FI and I eloping with just our parents was because if we did extend it to parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, he would likely bring 20-30 guests while I might bring 5. I felt very uncomfortable as a result, even if I am not as close to my family as he is to his.


For your situation, would there be any place to elope close to cut down on the costs? Then, you could either honeymoon to the villa in Hawaii or continue to Tahiti. There is really no reason why you need to go to Hawaii. There are breathtaking locations all over the globe. This way you address the need to get away and keep the cost low by eliminating flight costs and long hotel stays (and your family might appreciate this, too).


Whatever you decide, though, I do suggest you have an open and honest conversation with your FI about it because I am sure you don''t want to start a marriage with hard feelings stemming from the ceremony.

Thanks for your response, Katamari. We don''t have to marry in Hawaii. Since neither of us want to marry locally, I was just trying to find a non-local location that is easily accessible to guests as a compromise to eloping. I''m just a bit frustrated. Heck, I told FI that I''d be happy to elope in Vegas but he''s against that. FI''s a sweetheart and wants to get married but doesn''t want to do any planning and wants to avoid family drama. *banging head against desk*

 

[WishfulThinking]

Date: 1/3/2009 10:04:58 PM
Author: panda08

Thanks, Wishful. I don''t really think that eloping is ''giving up''. I''m really torn. Some days, I think eloping sounds great: lower stress, romantic, less planning, more economical. Other days, I want a small wedding so that family can attend, as I wonder whether I''ll regret it if I don''t do it that way. I saw your elopement pictures and you two looked so beautiful and happy! Looking back, did you wish family was there?


I can afford to fly his family to the DW. My issue isn''t with FI but with his family, who haven''t really been there for him and/or have treated him poorly. I would be much happier to spend that money on them if the only issue was that they can''t afford it.

Thank you so much for the sweet comment about our pictures! We honestly loved eloping, and would probably choose to do it again exactly the same way. We both adore our families, but eloping with just the two of us allowed us to do JUST what we wanted to do; no concessions, no edits, no balancing act between the wants and needs of other people as well as ourselves. Having full control did take a lot of the stress off, and knowing we weren''t responsible for entertaining anyone was also a nice load off our shoulders. Someday we may have a vow renewal or other similar party for family and friends, but we will do that when we are ready to and want to, not because we feel we have to. We have had and will continue to have plenty of time to spend with our families, so it wasn''t a huge deal to us. While they were initially upset they are actually really happy with how it turned out. My parents [who are now divorced] had a wedding they DIDN''T WANT because their parents planned the whole thing, and my mom and step-dad-to-be are jealous and want to elope now too!

I still think you and your FI should talk more about it... and I know how hard it is. At first I thought I NEEDED my family to be there with me and that I''d be devastated without them there. Our family ratios would have been drastically uneven; she would have 3 guests and I would have something like 10. It just didn''t feel fair, so we talked and talked and talked... it felt like it took forever. It took the big panic before election day to spur us to just *go* and do it- so we eloped. It came down to the bottom line eventually and we made a decision.

I bet something similar will happen with you. Don''t fool yourself into thinking it''s stress-free, though. For us it was in many ways and wasn''t in many others. It''s pretty insane trying to make plans from afar. However, if *family* drama is what you want to avoid it might eliminate some of the stress in that department. How do your families feel about the possibility of you eloping? Will it really eliminate drama, or will it be a whole new set of drama to face? Just something to think about.

 

[christoper]

Hello,

That is really very difficult condition, i think better elope, rather than arranging wedding, and when you people have enough budget, arrange a party for your family and loved once.


Regards,
christoper

 

[glueck]

I am sorry about the spot you are in.... NOT an easy one.

What about having a city hall thing locally and invite your families, and then go to Hawaii, just the two of you, and have a ceremony. The ceremony can be the FULL thing- your vows, your way... all you want.

This might be a happy medium... just a thought.

Good luck