Should adult children support their parents in old age?

[rockzilla]

Began to think about this after the down payment thread.

Do adult children have a responsibility to support their parents in old age?

Does this change if the parents have neglected to save for their own retirement? Does the parents' previous support of children (paying or not for college, wedding, etc) have any impact on your decision? What if supporting the parents would mean they would have to sacrifice some of their own family goals? (such as buying a house, sending kids to college, etc)

I understand the expectations are likely different depending on culture, but I think it is an interesting question. Should we, as children, be saving up for the day we have to support our parents?

 

[Dancing Fire]

we don't expect our daughters to support us,cuz they need to support their own family.

 

[CUSO]

we don't expect our daughters to support us,cuz they need to support their own family.

Ditto. Great answer.

 

[megumic]

I'm assuming you're referring to financial support, but I sincerely think it goes so far beyond that.

I don't think it's an expectation as much as it is part of the deal. You're born, your parents (presumably) feed you, wipe your ass, keep a roof over your head, foster and mentor you, etc, etc, for 18 years. The least I can do in return is provide as much support (financial, social and emotional) as possible as my parents begin to age.

At the age of 27, I've already found myself caring for and supporting for one of my parents in a way I didn't think I'd be doing for many more years. I am happy to do it, it gives me joy. I honestly feel we have a responsibility to our parents to ensure their care and safety through the end of their lives.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Yes, I would take care of them. It would be incredibly cold and selfish to do otherwise.

 

[somethingshiny]

Should they? no. Children don't OWE their parents anything. Parents chose to have children and all the responsibility that goes along with it. Although I would physically care for my parents or my ILs, they would choose to go to a nursing home rather than take me away from their grandchildren.

 

[KimberlyH]

My husband cared for 5 elderly family members before each of them passed. He did everything from managing finances to grocery shopping to cooking and cleaning. When we became serious I helped care for his mother. We'll do the same for my parents when they need us. Financially they are and will be stable, unless some bizarre catastrophe occurs, but we would help them financially if necessary as well.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

For me this topic depends on how my parents supported me while I was growing up. Without getting into a huge pity party for myself, my parents, especially my mom, treated me like sh!t for too many years for me to just up and start giving them money for this and that. I've already made it clear to them that when the time comes they cannot and will not live with me and DH. I love my parents very, very much but no way. Luckily, my parents have been saving money and shouldn't need too much help when they get to old age.

 

[Novel]

I'm tempted to stay out of this thread (given the way the down payment thread went...) but this is near and dear to my heart. I don't think you necessarily have an obligation to help - everyone's families and customs differ - but I know, for me, that with the exception of toxic or abusive relationships, I would feel that my sisters and I have been raised to value our parents as much as we would value our children. If that means financial aid, housing, or phone calls 3-5 times a day, I'll accept that and treasure the opportunity to do that for my mom (while probably still finding her sometimes annoying, overbearing, and invasive).

That said, my mother has stated she never wants to have to be a burden on us and would really rather live on her own until her death. I don't think parents should count on financial aid from their children in their planning, but I come from a family that assumes emotional support and ferrying to and from the doctor when possible, living together during major illness, etc. I also know that as a child, I loved having my grandparents living in my home, even near my grandfather's death, and would want my kids to feel that sense of family connection (though preferably without the death).

 

[Haven]

I don't know if children should, but I know I will take care of my parents and DH's father in old age.

I cared for my grandmother, and it was so very difficult. She refused to move in with us, which broke my heart, but those were her wishes. It would have made it much easier for everyone if she would have lived with me, but she had too much pride, and thus I ended up spending a couple hours a day driving back and forth between her assisted living home and my home. It was worth it, though, and if my parents prove to be just as difficult, I'll do the same.

 

[Kaleigh]

Support means $$.. Do you mean $$ or caring for?? Caring means taking care of and looking after.

I have been through it all, so clarify and will respond.

Great question, be ready for all sorts of thoughts..

 

[iLander]

We took care of my MIL throughout her life. She was there when we needed her; she provided childcare for our children, and a downpayment on our first house. In the later years, we built and paid for a new house for her, bought her a couple of cars, paid any bills she couldn't pay, helped her and cared for her when she became ill and eventually passed on.

That's what the word "family" means to us. If you can, you do.

I hope to never have to burden my children with myself. But I might need that help one day. Much as I hate the idea, I or my DH just might need it.

I hope the word "family" means the same thing to them.

 

[MonkeyPie]

That's what the word "family" means to us. If you can, you do.

Big, fat ditto.

I can't imagine just putting my parents in a nursing home and walking away. What if they left US in a home and walked away?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

This is actually a conversation going on within my family right now...

My parents have taken my elderly grandmother in. Her health is declining, she suffers from dementia. It's so hard, especially at the close of the day when sundowners sets in. She's combative, angry, snippy, sneaky and very, very lost in her own world--confusing my uncle for her husband and ergo hating (passionately) his girlfriend. But, all that aside, she is a beloved member of our family and we take care of our own.

When the day comes that my parents, my husbands parents as well as my two aunts need tending, I have a plan. My idea is to build a separate compound like home for them. This will afford them the dignity and ability to be live in a home that is comfortable and built to suit their individual needs, while still being cared for by me. I will hire a night nurse but I will manage their days. This isn't an obligation, it's an honor. My parents deserve the best of the best and if it is within my means to offer it up, then that is exactly what I will do.

I am watching first hand the labor involved caring for a prideful woman who can no longer care for herself ... and while it's without a doubt a labor, it's one of love.

 

[iLander]

My idea is to build a separate compound like home for them.

Excellent plan! A small guest house on the same lot as your home is plenty big.

I feel for you because you are caring for someone with dementia. That is VERY hard.

 

[that_someone_special]

Yeah unfortunately with my FIL and MIL's needs, we couldn't do it. They are in a home that can take care of them. They only live two blocks away, and DH sees them often, me- less often. It's for the best and works very well for us. Before his dad moved into this home, after his stroke, DH was taking care of them, cooking for them, wiping butts.... all of it. He still has to do some help, but at least his dad is in a place that can do this for him. Oh, and he has an entire view of the city and it's so gorgeous!

 

[Kaleigh]

ITHC,
Love your plan. I was the primary caregiver of my Grandparents . I cared for them for 20 plus years and kept them in their house. With dignity. After my grandfather died, Nanny didn't want to stay in the house, so moved her to a great assisted living place 5 minutes from me. We made it very comfortable and she had all the comforts of home and it had all her pictures, paintings and what not.

I loved my journey in caring for them. I got so much love and learned so much about life.

My parents chose not to help, nor to support and as an only child it was left to me.

The blessings I recieved during this time?? Priceless..

 

[iLander]

For me this topic depends on how my parents supported me while I was growing up. Without getting into a huge pity party for myself, my parents, especially my mom, treated me like sh!t for too many years for me to just up and start giving them money for this and that. I've already made it clear to them that when the time comes they cannot and will not live with me and DH. I love my parents very, very much but no way. Luckily, my parents have been saving money and shouldn't need too much help when they get to old age.

I can actually relate to this, too. We took care of my MIL because she was a generous and active member of our little family. She gave to us and we gave to her in return.

My grandmother, who raised me, is another story. She was cruel, and abusive, both physically and mentally. When she started to go down hill, my uncle took her in and she caused so much strife and tension, that his marriage actually broke up. My father tried for about 2 months, then couldn't take it. My other uncle finally took her in, mostly because she had a very good pension and we were all too happy to let him have her and her money. He is very laid back, and my aunt is nurse who works with psychotic psychiatric patients. It was a perfect fit.

I would never have taken her in.

 

[iLander]

Yeah unfortunately with my FIL and MIL's needs, we couldn't do it. They are in a home that can take care of them. They only live two blocks away, and DH sees them often, me- less often. It's for the best and works very well for us. Before his dad moved into this home, after his stroke, DH was taking care of them, cooking for them, wiping butts.... all of it. He still has to do some help, but at least his dad is in a place that can do this for him. Oh, and he has an entire view of the city and it's so gorgeous!

Finding a great facility also counts as support and care. I think you did do it.

 

[Prana]

I definitely plan to take care of my parents in their old age, but my parents have been very wise with their money, and have saved enough to support themselves plus 24/7 care at home should they need it. Pigs would fly before I put my parents in a nursing home. I can only hope that my husband and I can do the same with our finances when we get old.

 

[violet3]

Should they? hmmmm.....this is hard to iterate. I think children don't choose to be born (my mom always said this very lovingly). Parents choose to have children - it IS their responsibility to care for their children, both financially and emotionally. It is probably not a child's responsibility to provide financially for their parents in their old age, but then this statement is a blanket hypothetical.

Having said that, I would without a second thought provide with whatever means i had possible for my family and for DH's. Financially, we don't have much, but ANY one of them could come and live with us and we would care for them to the best of our ability - this includes my parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts/uncles - whoever. What we have, we would give gladly.

i work with my dad and my brother - i see them every day. My DH and I are the legal gaurdians for my sweet 8 month old nephew if anything ever happens to my sister/brother in law. When my dad's dad died at 94, my dad had been to visit him EVERY day while he was in and out of rehab at the convelescent center. I went as much as I could to see him, both at the hospital and in rehab. If anything ever happened to someone in my family (and one of my aunts is battling a very serious cancer right now) I would do ANYTHING to make them feel loved, comfortable, secure.

I feel that I have been shown so much love and support in my life by my family that many people (that i know) have not felt. I would do ANYTHING to care for them if they ever needed care. Whether you should is a really hard question -- but there is NO question that i would.

EDIT: as an adult, my dad loaned my a downpayment for my home. his faith in my ability to make it financially and pay him back was irreplacable. it's an act many parents would not do and for me is something i will NEVER forget.

 

[Hera]

I don't think anyone "should" do anything, because when you start using that wording, resentments can build up because it's so closely related to the word obligation.
I think you should take care of your parents if you want to and are able to do so.

 

[Imdanny]

If my parents NEED me to take care of them in their old age and I CAN then I will. They're my parents.

I think one of the problems with threads like this (no offense, OP) is that the tread titles are asking for absolute answer.

You should. You shouldn't. Maybe, if they were responsible with their own money. Not at all, children have their own families to worry about, etc., etc.

So it becomes a kind of clash between people with different viewpoints. My personal viewpoint is that we live in a sick society when children abandon their parents to fate. That's not the kind of world I want to live in. If we can't even take care of our immediate families, then we really don't have a community or a society. It's every man for himself. I think that's sad, that that would apply to a should they or should they not question like this. This question seems more like a matter of basic humanity to me.

 

[Dancing Fire]

we don't expect our daughters to support us,cuz they need to support their own family.

Ditto. Great answer.

what i meant was i don't expect them to help us money wise.

 

[somethingshiny]

I agree with Danny. My initial thought to a should or shouldn't is shouldn't. It shouldn't be expected, IMO, but it should be considered. If you can help with a happy heart, then you MAY help. But, I can't say you SHOULD help. That seems forced and unreasonable to me.

For example: my grandma can't really keep up with the house cleaning any more. Every couple of weeks, i go over for a few hours, catch up all the laundry, clean out the fridge, scrub the shower, etc. I don't believe I SHOULD do those things. I want to help her so I do.

Also, my parents are drinkers and smokers. If financially caring for them means I'm buying, no way! Perhaps I'd buy their groceries, but could never buy them cigarettes and beer. Is financial support an all or nothing deal? Can you pick and choose?

 

[Trekkie]

I don't think anyone 'should' do anything they don't want to do. If you want to, then do so. If you don't, then don't.

In my mother's culture, it is considered a great honour to be able to look after your elders - parents, grandparents, older relatives. My mother was the definition of 'toxic parent' so I don't give a damn about what happens to her in her old age. I have given her thousands over the years, cars, computers, money to buy her own house and I took over the role of primary caregiver for my younger brother. As far as I'm concerned, my work there is done.

Her mother, on the other hand, is my favourite person in the whole world. My FI and I frequently remind her that when she is older we want her to move in with us so that we can take care of her - emotionally, physically and financially. She is still a very sprightly 71 and is confident that this a long way away.

My granny gets a very good pension, so I know her children will be fighting over who gets to take care of that.

My dad and stepmom are in their seventies and are very well off financially - barring a catastrophe, they'll be ok. They'll probably refuse physical care too. Their one wish is that my FI and I leave South Africa (like my older brothers have) and raise their grandchildren somewhere safe. That would mean the world to them.

By my father's example I started saving for my retirement when I was 19. I am now 26 and I feel I am on the right track. Oh, I love compound interest. I don't think my children 'should' look after me when I'm older. I wouldn't expect it and would probably decline help if it was offered. Like others have said, they should be looking after their own families.

 

[Imdanny]

What you "should" and "shouldn't" do is going to have to be determined by your own sense of morals and ethics and even beyond this like I said in my previous answer: what if my parents need help and it ends up that I'm in no position at all to provide it? I think a lot of this does depend on circumstances.

My first order of business is making sure that I'm not a burden on my loved ones. I will live or die according to the choices I have made in a far away place. It might sound harsh, but that's the way I've lived my life, and that's the way I want it.

But if I could afford to renovate my parents' house and send them a small cash stipend each month, I would. I have no "moral" hangups about immediate family members helping each other.

 

[suchende]

my parents have always told me they don't want to be put in a home. they've been great parents, and i think it's my obligation to care for them as long as i can. hopefully i will be able to afford a home with an in-law suite.

 

[Autumnovember]

My own parents expect *NO* support but I will be supporting (to an extent, if they want) them once I start making significant $, without hesitantion. I can't wait to give back to my parents...it will truly make me significantly more happy as a person.

 

[Jennifer W]

Well, my parents are probably wealthier than I'm ever going to be and entirely resistant to much in the way of emotional involvement with (any) other people, so I don't suppose my support would be either wanted or needed. That's just who they are.

Anyway, they've made their plans and decided where they will be cared for if the need arises, as well as made arrangements to pay for it. I really do respect them for that. They didn't care for their parents, in any practical or financial way, so they've taken steps to ensure they aren't dependent on me in turn.

They did visit their parents and help them with things if asked, but they always maintained the adult child - parent relationship. They were very clear that they didn't want to reverse the roles or become carers (nor was that wanted of them).