Should a ring /proposal matter?

[angela03]

This is my first post but I''ve become addicted to lurking on this site during the last month. You all seem so thoughtful and helpful so I''m hoping you can help me out with your opinions.

Some background info: Been dating bf for 1 year now but we met in college and dated for about 3 years back then. He was my first real bf and first love. In our last year of college, things got rocky, we broke up, and started dating other people. After getting back together, our relationship has been wonderful. It''s amazing what a difference a few years makes.

Now for the current issue: BF has mentioned marriage here and there and I''ve always responded playfully and positively. I''d love to marry him, sooner rather than later, but i''m hoping for a real proposal rather than playful questions. Whenever the subject comes up, he eventually mentions money - or lack of money to be more specific. He''s a lawyer now but still starting out so he makes just enough to be comfortable. I''m a phd student and my school loans are stacking up with about two more years before I graduate. BF is very practical and suggested that I move in with him so that we could save money for a wedding. Although this may sound great, I''m not comfortable with living with a guy until I''m married (yeah, i know, old fashioned). Maybe I''m not being realistic because saving an extra $900 a month is sounding like a better plan. I started thinking I''d be more comfortable with the idea if we were officially engaged but why is that? I''m sure he wants to marry me but I find myself waiting for a proposal and a ring. I feel like these things are meaningful and important..or am I being silly???

 

[Julian]

I don''t think you are being silly at all. I wouldn''t dream of moving in with my guy until we were at least engaged, either. Now that I''m older, I see it would have been just fine.

But at the time, that''s how I felt and he completely understood that I didn''t feel comfortable with it. Times are so different from what they used to be. I mean, there is what I was taught by my parents... who lived in a completely different world than the one we occupy.

So I think it''s really a question of what you are comfortable and happy with. It sounds like you could go either way. You both sound in love, committed and happy. So do what is best for you both. If you can wait, then stick to your guns! If you can''t stand the wait and want to help save money for the ring and proposal, then move in.

 

[NYCsparkle]

Wait for the proposal to discuss seriously moving in. Nothing kills engagement talk like a "comfortable in the relationship the way it is" situation. Some guys don''t feel the need to get married once they have this comfy live in gf. They feel that theres plenty of time to get married...so whats the rush.

 

[angela03]

Date: 9/29/2006 4:33:53 PM
Author: NYCsparkle
Wait for the proposal to discuss seriously moving in. Nothing kills engagement talk like a ''comfortable in the relationship the way it is'' situation. Some guys don''t feel the need to get married once they have this comfy live in gf. They feel that theres plenty of time to get married...so whats the rush.

That''s probably my biggest fear, especially since he''s so practical and he may not get why an official proposal would be important. I''m not sure if he''s started saving for the ring yet but if I move in, who knows when we''d get engaged. We''re supposed to have a talk about ''our future'' this weekend so I''m hoping things will be a little clearer in a few days.

 

[KimberlyH]

Hi Angela and welcome to PS. To answer your question simply, no you are not being silly. We all have to make choices about what is right for us, yours is that you don''t want to live together until you are married, or at least engaged.

My husband and I dated long distance for about 7 months, I moved closer to him at that point to see if we felt the same about one another when in close proximity, we became engaged 1 year after my move and were married about 6 months later. We never lived together prior to being married because it wasn''t what we thought was best for our relationship. Reflecting back, we are both very glad that we waited. And yes, it would have saved us money as well. In fact it would have been mostly to his financial benefit as I was unemployed when I first moved and again after we became engaged as I have returned to school to earn my master''s degree so he ended up paying my rent for several of the months that I lived down here prior to our being married.

You will hear all different sorts of opinions regarding this subject, including mine. Mine is that it''s not for me but I think it''s great if it works for you. I am spiritual but not religious so it''s not based in anything except statistics about divorce and my belief that women often move in with their partner thinking it will lead to a proposal when more often than not she ends up in a tizzy because he becomes complacent. Ultimately, none of those opinions, including mine, matter. What does is that you are content with the choice you make. So spend some time talking with him and thinking about what it is that matters to you as a couple and you will come to a good decision for both of you.

As for a ring, no it''s not necessary (although it''s very nice...this is a diamond website after all!). Perhaps a plain gold or silver ring to start off with and the ability to upgrade later is a good option for the two of you?

 

[angela03]

Yes, if I had all the time and money in the world, I''d love to wait to move in because that''s what I''d always planned on and believed I should do. It seems that paying rent and having school debt is starting to affect my views on these things. I'' definitely have to keep thinking about this. Thanks for your thoughts!

 

[angela03]

Hi Kimberly, thanks for your reply. I definitely need to talk with him and get on the same page. Right now, I don't think he gets why I want to wait to move in so we keep having frustrating conversations about it. Hopefully, I can get him to atleast see my point of view so that we make decisions that work for both of us.

Yes, it's true, I'd love a beautiful engagement ring but I am able to be occasionally realistic and think about our finances first.Once I told my mother that I don't really need a big sparkly engagement ring and she said that a ring is really important because it shows that he wants to treat me well. I'm not sure what to think about that...it's hard to argue with my mother

I think more than the ring, I'd love to have a meaningful proposal to atleast feel that I'm being asked. This is where I start to feel silly because why should he ask if we've already 'discussed' it?

 

[goldenstar]

I don''t think you''re being silly either. I think its a personal choice that everyone makes for themselves. I personally wouldn''t move in with my BF without being engaged either. Its for my own piece of mind and for the sake of my family too, they''re on the conservative side.

I think that if you wait to move in, there''s more to look forward to down the road. Its more exciting. Some people wouldn''t marry someone without living with them first, but I think its still possible to gauge your living compatibility without actually moving in together.

I have also seen couples live together early on and they don''t get married for a long time. I think people get comfortable and stay in a rut. This is going to sound more conservative than I really am, but I always joke around and say "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" I just think thats a funny saying and I see the truth in it.

I don''t think you should make the decision because of financial reasons. You should use your heart. I know that student loans are scary, I have them too, but its not that bad in the grand scheme of things. Its an investment in your future and I bet all your classmates are in debt too. Its more important that you do whats best for your relationship.

just my two cents. everyone has different needs and opinions, and there''s no right way to do it.

 

[firebirdgold]

It''s not silly at all! Most of us, if not all of us, have had real discussions with our bfs/fis and a discussion does not consitute a proposal. My fi and I had been discussing it for more than 14 months before he proposed.
Umm. Think about it this way: A politician can discuss all he likes the possibility of running for president. But he isn''t actually running for president until he declares himself. Without that official declaration of intent, it just ain''t happening!

You do not have to justify your being uncomfortable moving in before getting engaged. That is a totally valid belief and you just don''t need to have a logical reason.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 9/29/2006 5:07:53 PM
Author: angela03
Hi Kimberly, thanks for your reply. I definitely need to talk with him and get on the same page. Right now, I don''t think he gets why I want to wait to move in so we keep having frustrating conversations about it. Hopefully, I can get him to atleast see my point of view so that we make decisions that work for both of us.

Yes, it''s true, I''d love a beautiful engagement ring but I am able to be occasionally realistic and think about our finances first.Once I told my mother that I don''t really need a big sparkly engagement ring and she said that a ring is really important because it shows that he wants to treat me well. I''m not sure what to think about that...it''s hard to argue with my mother

I think more than the ring, I''d love to have a meaningful proposal to atleast feel that I''m being asked. This is where I start to feel silly because why should he ask if we''ve already ''discussed'' it?

It is so important that you two are in agreement. Perhaps mapping out your reasons on paper first so you are prepared to explain the "why" to him without getting emotional is a good idea.

I don''t agree with your mom''s assessment of the ring as the way to judge how well he''ll care for you. The fact that he thinks about your joint finances is much more important in my mind. And you can have your beautiful ring, just not right now.

As for needed to be asked, my husband and I selected my ring together, and he still proposed later that evening at our favorite restaurant. I was of the opinion that we were engaged as soon as the ring was chosen (it had to be made so I didn''t get it that day) he on the other hand need ed to ask and hear me say "yes." He is not an extremely emotional guy, but the proposal was from the heart and it was important to him that he still ask. There''s nothing wrong with wanting things a certain way, and you shouldn''t feel the need to explain your every want, sometimes it should be enough to want something, such as a formal proposal, simply because you do. We aren''t always logical and that''s not such a bad thing.

You seem pretty set on not wanting to live with him yet, but you also appear to be feeling a lot of pressure that you may give in to just to end the discussion. For your sake, stand your ground, so you don''t end up resenting him and the relationship.

 

[angela03]

Great idea - I should write down my reasons on paper...aleast so that I have it clear in my head. I'm a big fan of lists. Also, I'm relieved to hear people say I'm not being silly about the proposal. It's true, I'm allowed to want things without logical reasons

. As I mentioned in other replies, we're having a 'discussion' this weekend and hopefully, I'll clear things up a little bit and get an estimate on when we'll be officially engaged

 

[KimberlyH]

From one list maker to another, have a great discussion and let us know how it goes!

 

[anchor31]

Having your own values and wishes does not make you silly or selfish... I too waited until the engagement to make plans about moving in together. It''s what you believe in, so don''t let anyone (or money) convince you otherwise.

If the proposal and ring matter to you, then that''s okay. We seriously talked about getting engaged 9 months before he proposed... and I certainly didn''t consider us engaged, neither did my now-FI. The most important thing is for you and your BF to be on the same page.

Good luck!

 

[diamondfan]

I did not move in with my dh til he propsosed and we had a date and plans rolling. I agree with you, and while it might work well for some couples and is certainly practical in terms of saving money, it just was not comfortable for me. I am not sure what to say other than you need to do what feels right to both of you. Of course engaged couples do break up sometimes, but it just would feel more serious to me. It did make a difference for us, and we just celebrated our 16th anniversary! Good luck!

 

[MrsFrk]

You're not silly at all if living together before marriage is against your beliefs.
However, an engagement ring is not necessary to be engaged, not at all. A proposal and ring are very symbolic, and that is very, very important to some people.
My husband and I were together for 8 years before we married- we eloped, no engagement ring. Just simple gold bands. We both had ambitions and goals that precluded spending money on a ring and wedding.
I personally am the type of woman who does not miss at all being engaged, having a wedding, a proposal.
I know that some people would, and I respect that. I do think that nowadays 'the ring' and the wedding has become so inflated in importance that not enough thought and consideration is given to the MARRIAGE. The proposal and wedding are merely 2 days, marriage is for the rest of your life.
I have friends who got the big ol' romantic, rose petal strewn proposal on one knee with a big rock in the box, the storybook wedding...and also the divorce decree.
Whereas my wedding cost about $150, and my marriage is fabulous.

 

[sumbride]

It''s really all about what you and your boyfriend are comfortable with, not what everyone else thinks, but I hope the opinions are helping you form your opinion.

My FI and I moved in together a year before we got engaged, but I wish we''d done it sooner. We both knew that we wanted to live together before we got engaged, and he told me he wanted to live together a year before he proposed, so I knew essentially what kind of timeline I was dealing with, but before we moved in together, we were each paying $1200 in rent and essentially already lived together. I think now of how much money we wasted, but I guess it was the "cost" of being comfortable and secure with our decisions.

Don''t do it if you aren''t both sure you will get married, don''t do it JUST for the money, but if you do know you want to marry him and you know he wants to marry you, the actual timing of the move-in should be something you are both comfortable with.

Good luck!

 

[angela03]

Hi again! Just wanted to let you guys know we had a very productive ''wedding talk weekend'' and my bf seems more prepared for marriage than I had ever hoped! We began by discussing a vague timeline of when we wanted to be engaged and married but then things started getting very detailed. He even has a computer program ready to use for setting up tasks and deadlines for wedding planning...wow, and I was just hoping for some clarity! I did decide that I''d probably move in after we are officially engaged so thanks for all your comments because they really helped me think about the things I really want.

The only weird thing now is that I''ve got to wait till January to be officially engaged. Even though he wants to start picking out a venue and date as soon as possible, I think he wants to propose with the ring which will take a few months. I asked him if he thought it was strange that we just started wedding planning out of nowhere and he just said, "we already know we want to marry each other so let''s start booking a place!". I did let him know that I''m still waiting for some kind of lovely proposal just because that''s what I want

and he told me not to worry. This reminds me of how we started dating a long time ago. We just started hanging out as friends and then after a few weeks, we we realized we were a couple. It just seemed to happen so naturally with no weird "so what are we" talks. We had to go back and pick a date to mark our anniversary

Anyway, thanks again for all your thoughts!!!

 

[KimberlyH]

angela,

I am so happy to hear you had a productive weekend and that there''s a happy ending to your story! Or a happy new beginning, actually (the wedding is a starting point in my mind, not an ending point). Enjoy planning with him, it sounds like he''s excited to be involved!