sexist comment??

[~*Alexis*~]

OK so this past sunday we threw a suprise party for my grandma''s 75th birthday. When the day was coming to a close we all started talking about heirlooms and family possessions. Well, my uncle who is the youngest of all my dad''s siblings, decided to make a comment that I thought was personally offensive. "tom" is 36, going through a divorce and has 2 children. A boy and girl. Well, he had my great grandmothers wedding set and got it back when he went through a divorce. Well the topic of wedding sets came up (naturally). Well he made a comment that really pissed me off and I was wonder what the board thought about the comment that he made.
He said no female should get heirlooms because they are not part of the family.

WTF?

Im sorry but I thought it was a sexist comment. Anyone else have an opinion?

 

[poptart]

Even though his comment probably stemmed from anger and bitterness over his divorce, I would still be extremely angry over that comment. Did you question him about it, or just ignore it. I also have an uncle that makes comments like that every once in a while, so I always call him out on it, just so he knows he can''t get away with behavior like that (even if he is 25 years older than me, haha).

Marisa

 

[~*Alexis*~]

I did ask him ot explain his rationale, but the only thing he said was "thats just how it is"...

I never really understood that. I would have seen his point if it was 40 years ago and he lived in that mindset but things have changed and things are different now. I don''t really understand him at all. He is an alcoholic and has numerous DUI''s and has a drinking problem, unfortunately I can''t blame him for being drunk because he was sober.

I don''t know what to say to him now. He just doesnt get it.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 10/25/2006 9:53:47 AM
Author:~*Alexis*~
He said no female should get heirlooms because they are not part of the family.

Hmmm. Guess we ladies are like cattle or slaves. Traded from one Patriarchy to the next as they see fit. For as long as we maintain our usefulness.

Has he confused the whole "taking your husband''s name" dealie for NOT being a member of either family? What if gals DON''T change their name? Bet that would send his wee brain spinning!

Sexist Dolt.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Date: 10/25/2006 10:11:37 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 10/25/2006 9:53:47 AM
Author:~*Alexis*~
He said no female should get heirlooms because they are not part of the family.

Hmmm. Guess we ladies are like cattle or slaves. Traded from one Patriarchy to the next as they see fit. For as long as we maintain our usefulness.

Has he confused the whole ''taking your husband''s name'' dealie for NOT being a member of either family? What if gals DON''T change their name? Bet that would send his wee brain spinning!

Sexist Dolt.

Thats what I said. He stated that was not being a true wife then....I dunno. I just wanted to pummel him over the head with a tire iron. He''s normally a good guy but his views are very misconstrued. He used to be a parochial (sp?) school teacher and then he resigned because he got a DUI. He then started working for a gun company. Now all he talks about are guns...yeah thats healthy...

 

[WTNLVR]

What a strange comment from someone so young. Way back, tradition would give the wedding sets to the oldest son. Now it seems the oldest daughter usually gets it. Maybe he was thinking geneologically as the females last name changes?? My BIL sais odd things like this from time to time. Just chalk it up to his individuality. You won''t change his beliefs so you just kinda have to laugh it off the best you can.

 

[decodelighted]

It''s been my experience that most prejudice & "putting down" of other groups of people stems from a person''s own DEEP INSECURITIES. They put others down so that they can seem "higher". His low self-esteem & poor coping skills probably also contribute to the substance abuse & EXTREMELY dangerous/negligent/selfish/boorish/illegal/immoral behavior (Driving Drunk).

Sexism is probably (sadly) the LEAST of his problems.

 

[Efe]

Trying to be charitable here, but maybe he meant no females outside of the family. He may have had a difficult time getting the rings back from his ex. While he was successful, not everyone always is.

 

[poptart]

It seems like there isn't much you CAN say... his answer to your question doesn't even make sense, it's not really an answer at all. I guess the best thing to do is ignore him and his annoying remarks.

Marisa

ETA: I just read the part about he works in a gun shop. An alcoholic dealing with guns=danger! He just seems like he has a LOT of issues that he is not dealing with.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Date: 10/25/2006 10:32:31 AM
Author: BizouMom
Trying to be charitable here, but maybe he meant no females outside of the family. He may have had a difficult time getting the rings back from his ex. While he was successful, not everyone always is.

He made it clear that it included every female. My older brother is actually my half brother so he is not a "true" relative..(nice huh? My mom and his mom are the same) This is my fathers side of the family. The part that really bothered me was the fact that he has a 15 year old daughter and he even said she would never get anything. I dunno I don''t understand his logic. He talks a lot of politics...yeah you all know the type.
As far as his ex she handed them back to him no problem so I dunno that was never really an issue. My family never would have allowed her to keep them in the first place. (for all of the curious-the set is a 1 ct or so round brilliant set in white and yellow gold. The set has a heart pattern on it.) My family is very ''it belongs in the family'' people. I just never understood how someone could say something so A. hurtful B. So narrow minded and C so lacing sensitivity. I guess I can be greatful that no one else in the family shares the same views.

 

[BZ]

Sorry to hear about your uncle''s comment. The only thing that comes to mind is that my mom and aunt have made similar comments when it comes to family jewelry. When my grandparents passed away, my grandmothers engagement ring was given to me because I am the only girl out of four grandchildren and that way it would stay in the family. The same thing happened when my mom died. I ended up with all the jewelry, with the exception of my mom''s watch, which was passed to my sister-in-law.

I''m not saying it''s right, just trying to give a little insight. Perhaps it''s an old school way of looking at things. At this point, if my sister-in-law wanted to have any of my mom''s pieces, I would gladly give them to her as I think my mom would want them to be enjoyed and worn vs. sitting in a safe deposit box waiting for my kids to get older. I can''t possibly wear all the things that my mom had.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

He is saying that females get nothing though. Women cannot carry on the family name and I think thats a load of BS. There are 5 girls and 2 biological family members. One grandson from my uncles wife, and then my older brother. So I dunno. That leaves his son and my younger brother. So i dunno. My grandma ain''t going anywhere soon, but its still I can see this being an issue. Their oldest son (my uncle) has been divorced and has since remarried. Then there is my aunt then my dad then ''tom''. So he would be at the end of the chain. I guess if you look at it that way. I jsut know when it comes to the holiday season it will probably come up again or someone will say something or something stupid will come out of his mouth...I dunno.

 

[BZ]

Can you say something the next time it comes up? I know it''s hard to confront people like that. Something like it shouldn''t matter whether the person is male or female. I''m guessing he is really bitter from the divorce. Maybe comments like the one he made around you are what got him in trouble with his wife.

My other suggestion would be to let your mom/dad know if there is an item that is a family heirloom that is important for you to have at some point. I say this after loosing my mom and then a bunch of her things because it came down to an argument of possessions vs. things that held important memories for me.

Ok, rambling at this point. Yes, it was a sexist comment that your uncle made and I''m sorry that you have someone in your family that feels that way.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 10/25/2006 10:14:47 AM
Author: ~*Alexis*~

Date: 10/25/2006 10:11:37 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 10/25/2006 9:53:47 AM
Author:~*Alexis*~
He said no female should get heirlooms because they are not part of the family.

Hmmm. Guess we ladies are like cattle or slaves. Traded from one Patriarchy to the next as they see fit. For as long as we maintain our usefulness.

Has he confused the whole ''taking your husband''s name'' dealie for NOT being a member of either family? What if gals DON''T change their name? Bet that would send his wee brain spinning!

Sexist Dolt.

Thats what I said. He stated that was not being a true wife then....I dunno.

Well, that''s really stupid (no you, of course, the comment)... Even if I wanted to change my name, the laws in my area forbid me from doing so! So I won''t be a true wife? I don''t think so.

I would see some kind of logic if he''d said "no female outside the family should get heirlooms", but no female at all? That''s just plain selfish and stupid.

Your uncle just seems to be a sexist and bitter person. Don''t let him get to you, there''s just no point.

 

[FireGoddess]

Sounds like *someone* is bitter from his divorce. Would he go as far as to say that his own mother, by his reasoning, was not a part of the family she married in to when she had him?

I wonder.

 

[MINE!!]

I think he was talking about women that are not part of a "family, Family... blood relatives." or maybe not. I would tend to agree with him if he was saying this, (although, I think it was crass and out of place) but if he just meant women in general, then he is just being an A$$. I would not let it bother you. Grin and Curtsey.... he just wanted attention.

 

[Christa]

Date: 10/25/2006 10:48:01 AM
Author: ~*Alexis*~

Date: 10/25/2006 10:32:31 AM
Author: BizouMom
Trying to be charitable here, but maybe he meant no females outside of the family. He may have had a difficult time getting the rings back from his ex. While he was successful, not everyone always is.

He made it clear that it included every female. My older brother is actually my half brother so he is not a 'true' relative..(nice huh? My mom and his mom are the same) This is my fathers side of the family. The part that really bothered me was the fact that he has a 15 year old daughter and he even said she would never get anything. I dunno I don't understand his logic. He talks a lot of politics...yeah you all know the type.
As far as his ex she handed them back to him no problem so I dunno that was never really an issue. My family never would have allowed her to keep them in the first place. (for all of the curious-the set is a 1 ct or so round brilliant set in white and yellow gold. The set has a heart pattern on it.) My family is very 'it belongs in the family' people. I just never understood how someone could say something so A. hurtful B. So narrow minded and C so lacing sensitivity. I guess I can be greatful that no one else in the family shares the same views.

It doesn't sound like he's sexist as much as just plain stupid. I think he's confused in his tiny little brain. I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

 

[littlelysser]

Christa - you took the words right out my mouth!

 

[Christa]

Date: 10/25/2006 4:24:13 PM
Author: littlelysser
Christa - you took the words right out my mouth!

 

[galeteia]

Date: 10/25/2006 12:09:28 PM
Author: anchor31
Even if I wanted to change my name, the laws in my area forbid me from doing so! So I won''t be a true wife? I don''t think so.

They do?

Why? Is that only in Quebec?

 

[AmberWaves]

Alexis, is this wedding set a WOMAN''S? Because that''s pretty hypocritical to me, he inherited something from someone who wasn''t a real member of the family? So if he inherited some precious stones and metals, would he resist them because they aren''t heirlooms because it came from the lady side? Crazy! Interesting what goes on in people''s minds.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 10/25/2006 4:26:48 PM
Author: Galateia

Date: 10/25/2006 12:09:28 PM
Author: anchor31
Even if I wanted to change my name, the laws in my area forbid me from doing so! So I won''t be a true wife? I don''t think so.

They do?

Why? Is that only in Quebec?

I don''t know if it''s only in Québec, but in Québec, yes, they do. From www.justice.gouv.qc.ca:

Spouses'' names

Women keep their birth name after marriage and continue to exercise their civil rights under that name, i.e. they must use their birth name in contracts, on credit cards, on their driver''s licence, etc. They are free however to assume their husband''s name socially.

This rule applies to all women domiciled in Québec, even if they married outside Québec or outside Canada, except women married before April 2, 1981 already using their husband''s last name to exercise their civil rights.

Why? I''m not sure... My mom might know, I''ll get back to you if I find out.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

The wedding set in question that he ''had'' was my great-grandmothers. He returned that to my grandfather until he either gets re-married or his son marries. The set I would like to have is my grandmothers. Its plat. and the e-ring is 1.25 cts center stone and .25 side stones on either stones. Then her wedding band is a 5 stone 1.25 total. its AMAZING! He said because I am not family than I cannot receive any pieces of heirloom jewelry. Unfortunately my grandma went down for a nap at the time this was all said my grandpa was there but he was glued to the TV watching the football game. go figure. My aunt agreed with me and he though thought he was right. He thought that since they dont carry the family name they shouldn''t get anything. Nice huh? My dad was adopted so that means that he can never have anything because he is not blood? I never asked him about that but around christmas they want to get everyone together to discuss the ''what if''s'' of when they pass. They have considerable assets and so I am sure its gunna come up then and then it will NOT be a good idea for me to have sharp objects within my reach.....

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 10/25/2006 6:08:03 PM
Author: anchor31

Date: 10/25/2006 4:26:48 PM
Author: Galateia

Date: 10/25/2006 12:09:28 PM
Author: anchor31
Even if I wanted to change my name, the laws in my area forbid me from doing so! So I won''t be a true wife? I don''t think so.

They do?

Why? Is that only in Quebec?

I don''t know if it''s only in Québec, but in Québec, yes, they do. From www.justice.gouv.qc.ca:

Spouses'' names

Women keep their birth name after marriage and continue to exercise their civil rights under that name, i.e. they must use their birth name in contracts, on credit cards, on their driver''s licence, etc. They are free however to assume their husband''s name socially.

This rule applies to all women domiciled in Québec, even if they married outside Québec or outside Canada, except women married before April 2, 1981 already using their husband''s last name to exercise their civil rights.

Why? I''m not sure... My mom might know, I''ll get back to you if I find out.

Sure cuts down on the number of aliases.....

 

[anchor31]

Date: 10/25/2006 6:59:25 PM
Author: FireGoddess

Date: 10/25/2006 6:08:03 PM
Author: anchor31

Date: 10/25/2006 4:26:48 PM
Author: Galateia

Date: 10/25/2006 12:09:28 PM
Author: anchor31
Even if I wanted to change my name, the laws in my area forbid me from doing so! So I won''t be a true wife? I don''t think so.

They do?

Why? Is that only in Quebec?

I don''t know if it''s only in Québec, but in Québec, yes, they do. From www.justice.gouv.qc.ca:

Spouses'' names

Women keep their birth name after marriage and continue to exercise their civil rights under that name, i.e. they must use their birth name in contracts, on credit cards, on their driver''s licence, etc. They are free however to assume their husband''s name socially.

This rule applies to all women domiciled in Québec, even if they married outside Québec or outside Canada, except women married before April 2, 1981 already using their husband''s last name to exercise their civil rights.

Why? I''m not sure... My mom might know, I''ll get back to you if I find out.

Sure cuts down on the number of aliases.....

I guess so... I haven''t been able to find anything, unfortunately. My guess is it was an aftermath of the "Révolution Tranquille" after Maurice Duplessis. Québec pretty much ditched religion and traditional values then, and there was a considerable feminist movement. So... no traditional values + no religion = not a lot of marriages + no name change

Anyway, sorry for the hijack, Alexis! I think your uncle sounds like a jerk.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Yeah, I''d totally ignore him. Most family rings in our families are passed from mother to daughter or granddaughter. So this thing of men getting them would be unusual to me unless there just were no daughters.

 

[reader]

My mom''s family is like that: but with a twist. I cannot inherit any family guns. We have some WWI rifles that are in my family I would like to have but nooo...

Oh and yep your uncle is a pig, but more like him are to be expected since women have started resuming more traditional roles again ie: stay at home moms and assuming a husband''s last name.

Dad was funny: when I was a baby, my uncle had a newborn son, and commented that I wouldn''t pass down the family line, and wasn''t worth so much. Cut to 30 years later, I have the family name, and the daughter with the same name, and FH has considered changing his name to ours on marriage. Also, I inherit a 1930s John Deere that has huge meaning for our family. My cousin, eh... hasn''t done so well...

 

[Madam Bijoux]

He needs to be reminded that he wouldn't have been "part of the family" if it hadn't been for a female (namely, his mother).

 

[firebirdgold]

Heh heh, If he wants to play that game ... the only traditionally provable blood relationships and inheritance is through the matrilineal line! Everything should pass from mother to daughter and only to sons if there aren''t any daughters!

 

[reader]

MB, very very true.