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Sell or Inherit?

Aerielle Max

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 12, 2017
Messages
96
My mother is already old and she is planning to give her jewelries to us, her daughters.
But, her friend of mine is insisting that she should sell them for her (my mother ) to have money to enjoy with and my mother is actually considering this option. It feels bad, I thought I can have those jewelries as a remembrance from her that can be passed to generations to generations. What are our thoughts? Its difficult for me to just lose those
precious gems.​
 

ForteKitty

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 7, 2004
Messages
5,158
My mother is already old and she is planning to give her jewelries to us, her daughters.
But, her friend of mine is insisting that she should sell them for her (my mother ) to have money to enjoy with and my mother is actually considering this option. It feels bad, I thought I can have those jewelries as a remembrance from her that can be passed to generations to generations. What are our thoughts? Its difficult for me to just lose those
precious gems.​

Can you guys buy them from her? This way it stays in the family (edited, not money lol) and she can have money to enjoy.
 
Last edited:

AllAboardTheBlingTrain

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 22, 2020
Messages
1,361
Can you guys buy them from her? This way it stays in the money and she can have money to enjoy.

This is a great idea! My mom did this with a few super sentimental pieces that belonged to her mother. Her mother would’ve just given them to her, but she needed the money at the time, so my mom bought them from her.
 

Bron357

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 22, 2014
Messages
5,216
Don’t let your mothers “friend” sell them for her. I suspect that has a sinister undertone.
Speak to your mother, tell her how you feel about desiring some jewellery for remembrance of her and as an heirloom to pass down.
If she needs the money, get a professional appraiser and/or reputable Jewellery Auction house to advise her of their value/ what she could expect to receive. Then if she still wants to sell, hopefully you can have the option of purchasing some of the pieces.
do not allow a “friend” to involve themselves in your mothers financial affairs.
 

AllAboardTheBlingTrain

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 22, 2020
Messages
1,361
@LilAlex, @ForteKitty and @Bron357 all make a good point about not trusting the “friend” - especially since the friend is advising her to sell of her own volition and has not been asked by your mother to help her sell. That escaped me the first time I read the thread.

Reminds me of this story that happened with my aunt. She had some old gold bangles in the traditional Indian style (carved gold, no stones) and she wanted to sell some of them to raise some money. She had a friend who was a “jeweler” (a jewelry reseller/agent rather, who purchased finished pieces from a jeweler to sell them further) so she asked the friend to help her. These were old bangles, 22K, and solid - she should’ve received at least 22K spot price for them (minus at most a small commission). The friend gave her around half of what she should’ve received and told her there were some charges etc. and my aunt believed her. Now, my aunt had these bangles in pairs, which was very common back in the day (people made 2 of each design) and she had liquidated only one of each pair so that she could still wear whichever design she pleased. When she needed money again, her son stopped her from going with the friend and took her to one of the largest jewelry stores in the city, who promptly gave her what she was truly owed. Her friend cheated her out of a LOT of money, at least a few thousand dollars.

If your mom does sell, she should obtain quotes from uninterested parties like auction houses or jewelers, or try obtaining price comparables through loupe troop, eBay etc. And she should give you right of first refusal.
 

elizat

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2013
Messages
2,873
A few things.

One, it's your mom's property and if she wants to sell and enjoy the money, up to her, but do it in a way that is safe with someone that is not a "friend." Depending on what the items are, folks may have ideas on where she can sell it. I don't think it is reasonable to expect that someone will save things for family. If you really want something of hers, I think the option is to offer to buy it at a fair price if she wants to sell.

Or, if she wants to sell and you can't purchase due to price, ask for one sentimental item and it's up to her if she wants to save it for you/your siblings. I think asking for one item each is not unreasonable, but it is also her right to say no.

Tone is hard to convey, but I'm unclear on if the upset is because you think she may be getting taken advantage of or you and your siblings won't be able to pass down "precious gems."

If it's the not passing down thing, I am firmly in the camp of they belong to her and if she's clear of mind and is not being taken advantage of and wants the money to enjoy now, that's her right.
 

Daisys and Diamonds

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 30, 2019
Messages
11,032
@LilAlex, @ForteKitty and @Bron357 all make a good point about not trusting the “friend” - especially since the friend is advising her to sell of her own volition and has not been asked by your mother to help her sell. That escaped me the first time I read the thread.

Reminds me of this story that happened with my aunt. She had some old gold bangles in the traditional Indian style (carved gold, no stones) and she wanted to sell some of them to raise some money. She had a friend who was a “jeweler” (a jewelry reseller/agent rather, who purchased finished pieces from a jeweler to sell them further) so she asked the friend to help her. These were old bangles, 22K, and solid - she should’ve received at least 22K spot price for them (minus at most a small commission). The friend gave her around half of what she should’ve received and told her there were some charges etc. and my aunt believed her. Now, my aunt had these bangles in pairs, which was very common back in the day (people made 2 of each design) and she had liquidated only one of each pair so that she could still wear whichever design she pleased. When she needed money again, her son stopped her from going with the friend and took her to one of the largest jewelry stores in the city, who promptly gave her what she was truly owed. Her friend cheated her out of a LOT of money, at least a few thousand dollars.

If your mom does sell, she should obtain quotes from uninterested parties like auction houses or jewelers, or try obtaining price comparables through loupe troop, eBay etc. And she should give you right of first refusal.

I feel sad and angry on your aunt's behalf
 

Daisys and Diamonds

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 30, 2019
Messages
11,032
9A few things.

One, it's your mom's property and if she wants to sell and enjoy the money, up to her, but do it in a way that is safe with someone that is not a "friend." Depending on what the items are, folks may have ideas on where she can sell it. I don't think it is reasonable to expect that someone will save things for family. If you really want something of hers, I think the option is to offer to buy it at a fair price if she wants to sell.

Or, if she wants to sell and you can't purchase due to price, ask for one sentimental item and it's up to her if she wants to save it for you/your siblings. I think asking for one item each is not unreasonable, but it is also her right to say no.

Tone is hard to convey, but I'm unclear on if the upset is because you think she may be getting taken advantage of or you and your siblings won't be able to pass down "precious gems."

If it's the not passing down thing, I am firmly in the camp of they belong to her and if she's clear of mind and is not being taken advantage of and wants the money to enjoy now, that's her right.

Yes but with one extra thought and i mean no disrespect in asking this

Does @Aerielle Max 's mum have all her marbles ?

I ask this because both my father in law and my mum made some odd and questionable descions a few years before they were diagnosed with demetia/ altzimers
They can become very impulsive and act without thinking things through

My mother made a terrible real estate descion where she should have made several $100k more than she did but wouldn't wait and wouldn't take advice from trusted family, instead listening to strangers just out for an easy quick buck
 

elizat

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2013
Messages
2,873
Yes but with one extra thought and i mean no disrespect in asking this

Does @Aerielle Max 's mum have all her marbles ?

I ask this because both my father in law and my mum made some odd and questionable descions a few years before they were diagnosed with demetia/ altzimers
They can become very impulsive and act without thinking things through

My mother made a terrible real estate descion where she should have made several $100k more than she did but wouldn't wait and wouldn't take advice from trusted family, instead listening to strangers just out for an easy quick buck

No, I get it. I mentioned that. If she's of clear mind and understands the decisions, without any issues like dementia, etc., I think it's her call.

If she's not of sound mind and/or struggling due to age or medical, that's a different discussion for certain.

Like my mom. She's totally of sound mind. She intends to leave nothing if possible because she says it's her money and her money to enjoy.

The question of sound mind and no health condition impacting her judgment is key.

If she's just changed her mind because she wants to enjoy whatever in life while she's here, without any issues impacting her reason and judgment, I think it's her call on what happens.
 

dk168

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 7, 2013
Messages
8,647
They are hers to do as she pleases while she is still alive, IMHO.

That's what I tell my mother, in that she should sell the antiques, my dad's watches etc. and enjoy spending the money while she still can.

She gave me the majority of her jewellery, and I am thankful for that. However, I would not have minded if she decided to sell them or give them to someone else, as I don't have any rights to them just because I am her daughter.

Personal opinion and all that.

DK :))
 

AnastasiaBeaverhausen

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 11, 2013
Messages
1,524
It's kind of gross if the friend is actually "insisting" that your mom does something with her jewelry one way or the other. It's one thing to make a comment like, "Nonsense! Sell those pieces and use the cash to enjoy the rest of your retirement!! You do you, boo!" But to keep pushing someone to handle their finances a certain way feels icky.
 

Aerielle Max

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 12, 2017
Messages
96
Hi there. Well, my mom is in good condition, not diagnosed of any illness. She's actively alive and kicking at the age of 60s. Thank you guys for your warm comments. Will follow your suggestion about not selling it to the friend and have the jewelries be appraised by an expert. However, when it comes to me personally buying my mom's gems, I think its kinda off that I may hurt her ego? Well, that's only my opinion. To those who did, did your moms appreciated it?
 

bludiva

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 23, 2017
Messages
2,685
Hi there. Well, my mom is in good condition, not diagnosed of any illness. She's actively alive and kicking at the age of 60s. Thank you guys for your warm comments. Will follow your suggestion about not selling it to the friend and have the jewelries be appraised by an expert. However, when it comes to me personally buying my mom's gems, I think its kinda off that I may hurt her ego? Well, that's only my opinion. To those who did, did your moms appreciated it?

i haven't been in this situation but i have to imagine there is a way to gently suggest it... to let your mom know you are aware she was considering selling it to the friend and that if she wants to sell them you are totally behind her decision but would like her to consider selling to you first after she has them appraised by a 3rd party.
 

beatricecrummles

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 25, 2020
Messages
29
My mother is already old and she is planning to give her jewelries to us, her daughters.
But, her friend of mine is insisting that she should sell them for her (my mother ) to have money to enjoy with and my mother is actually considering this option. It feels bad, I thought I can have those jewelries as a remembrance from her that can be passed to generations to generations. What are our thoughts? Its difficult for me to just lose those
precious gems.​

Talk to your mom. If those precious gems/pieces of jewelry are dear so to her and got sentimental value then she should not sell them, rather it would be pass to you as her daughters. Or try to weigh things, maybe a few of those gems might be sold if your family needed liquidity or it may remain as inheritance.
 

Aerielle Max

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 12, 2017
Messages
96
How about I let my mom talk to a therapist to explain to her the importance of family (thinking she'll realize to just give it to us)? Does anyone of you have a good experience working with a therapist or counselor?
 

MRBXXXFVVS1

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 5, 2019
Messages
1,143
Hi there. Well, my mom is in good condition, not diagnosed of any illness. She's actively alive and kicking at the age of 60s. Thank you guys for your warm comments. Will follow your suggestion about not selling it to the friend and have the jewelries be appraised by an expert. However, when it comes to me personally buying my mom's gems, I think its kinda off that I may hurt her ego? Well, that's only my opinion. To those who did, did your moms appreciated it?

I think it's about how you frame it. You can tell her that you love her pieces, the sentimental value, and that you'd love to buy them from her to remember her with. It's more that you love her jewelry and the sentiment that it holds, than helping her out financially. Best of luck!
 

elizat

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2013
Messages
2,873
How about I let my mom talk to a therapist to explain to her the importance of family (thinking she'll realize to just give it to us)? Does anyone of you have a good experience working with a therapist or counselor?

I'm going to apologize in advance if this sounds harsh.

The framing of how you wrote that makes it sound like you really just want these things left for you/your siblings, despite what your mother may want.

The "importance of family" is not defined by material items. No child has the right to expect that they are going to inherit everything or even anything from their parents.

I think you have been given really good advice about a tactful way to determine the value of these items and a way to approach your mother about maybe leaving something for you that is sentimental, but I really don't think you have any right to expect or try to push her into leaving her property to you/your siblings.

If I had an adult child that sent me to a therapist to talk to me about why I should leave the property to that child, I would be beyond livid, especially if I was of totally sound mind as you have said mom is.

If there are things that you like, that you would like to keep, as a memory of your mom or that are important to keep in the family for whatever reason, I think the best thing is to take them to a neutral appraiser and find out a fair market value. Then you can offer to buy them from your mother and if she wants to gift them to you at that point or ear mark them aside for you, then that is her right. It's also her right to say no and to decide she wants to find a willing buyer on the open market or sell if you can't buy at this time.
 

Fabfashion

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2021
Messages
329
Does your mom need the money and that’s why she’s considering selling? Or is it mainly because of her friend’s suggestion? My mom passed away a few years ago. She had a lot of jewerly but I was only interested in pieces that my dad gave her for sentimental reasons. I never wore them as they’re not really my style but just keeping them for keepsake and hope to one day pass them down to my DDs. May be if she doesn’t need to sell all her jewelry, you and your siblings can ask her to set aside some pieces to be passed down as heirlooms?
 

PinkAndBlueBling

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 16, 2017
Messages
922
My mother is already old

alive and kicking at the age of 60s.

Whoa, girl! She's only in her 60s?! She is not old at all. She could keep going for 30 more years, if you're lucky!

No one should be making decisions for her. Period. Jewelry selling/inheriting should be something she thinks about over time, unless she needs cash. Why the rush? This is just weird, especially given her age.
 

bludiva

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 23, 2017
Messages
2,685
How about I let my mom talk to a therapist to explain to her the importance of family (thinking she'll realize to just give it to us)? Does anyone of you have a good experience working with a therapist or counselor?

I don’t mean to sound harsh either but feels like the thread just swerved into territory no one on this board can help with. That’s very different from wanting to purchase the items from your mother if she is considering selling them.
 

bludiva

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 23, 2017
Messages
2,685
If I had an adult child that sent me to a therapist to talk to me about why I should leave the property to that child, I would be beyond livid, especially if I was of totally sound mind as you have said mom is.

i don't think a therapist would agree to do that anyway, it seems out of ethical bounds for the profession.
 

Mekp

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Oct 15, 2016
Messages
367
How about I let my mom talk to a therapist to explain to her the importance of family (thinking she'll realize to just give it to us)? Does anyone of you have a good experience working with a therapist or counselor?

I think that is utterly inappropriate.
In fact, I think any good therapist would, upon receiving that request from you, become suspicious of financial abuse.
 

mrs-b

Ideal_Rock
Premium
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Aug 18, 2013
Messages
8,930
So - just to dial it back on the friend criticism.....

I've told my best friend she should sell her jewelry so she can enjoy the money, rather than passing her pieces on to family members. I've also offered to sell her pieces for her.
So on paper, I sound exactly like the OP's friend.

My best friend and I have been besties for 45 years and the ONLY thing I want for her is a little indulgence and enjoyment after a lifetime of hard work. I'm sure her kids will be disappointed, but to deny her some relaxation so they can inherit makes me distrust THEIR motives 100%.

And just to add - I initially thought the OP's mother must have been in her 80's or so. But - in her 60's? And we're talking competency?? Please. I'm 60 and I've *just* sat down to write this after finishing a hard aerobics class and will do an hour of yoga shortly. After that, I'll help my goddaughter write a plan for an essay she's writing for her uni degree and then have been asked by my husband to write a speech for him that he will give to the company for which he works. My best friend, who I am encouraging to sell her jewelry, and I just got off the phone, and *she's* about to do an aerobics class, then go on a picnic for Mother's Day and chase her grandkids around the park for a couple of hours.

The arrogance of youth can be breathtaking on occasion. And just to add - God willing, the OP's mother will live another 20 years. Fashions change and the OP may not even want her pieces by that stage. Passed-down jewelry holds sentimental value for the next generation - maybe - and maaaaaaybe the generation after that. After that, great, great grannie's out of fashion engagement ring means nothing to anyone and is most likely to be sold, so somebody ELSE can enjoy the proceeds of great, great granny's hard work.

I vote - sell - either to family members or to strangers. But I don't owe my jewelry to anybody.
 

mrs-b

Ideal_Rock
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Aug 18, 2013
Messages
8,930
I think that is utterly inappropriate.
In fact, I think any good therapist would, upon receiving that request from you, become suspicious of financial abuse.

As a psychologist specializing for many years in dispute resolution, I *have* been asked to do things similar to that.

The only person's whose sanity I questioned was the person asking me to intervene. How about the OP goes talk to a therapist to learn about boundaries and how to respect the choices of other people?

I'm sorry this sounds blunt and aggressive, but I find the idea of shipping mom off to a therapist to be lectured on the importance of family, because she wants to do something with her own money, execrable.

If my family suggested I speak to a therapist about my material possessions and my intensions, I'd put my jewelry down my food disposal unit while they watched. I'd add a few choice words, too.

Any therapist worth their salt who knew about that would stand on the side lines, cheering.

On the other hand - you could always give it a go - so long as you and your family have plans for every Christmas and birthday for the next 30 years that don't involve your mother.

Convincing your mother she needs to see a therapist about what she owes her family is a form of bullying. I hope you can see that, @Aerielle Max.
 

marymm

Ideal_Rock
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Apr 21, 2010
Messages
4,615
Just some thoughts that came to mind while reading this thread:

OP - is any of your mom's jewelry comprised of pieces she received from generations before her? If so, perhaps choose one of those family pieces that is most meaningful to you, and ask your mom about it ... ask her to tell her the story again about that piece ... tell her how much you love the family sentiment and that you consider it a piece of family history ... ask if it is a piece she would ever sell, that she please let you have the first chance to purchase it (at a fair price, after an appraisal by a reputable professional appraiser).

If all of your mom's jewelry is from her own collection (bought by her and/or given to her), you could do something similar ... choose one of her pieces that always meant something to you everytime she wore it .. ask her to remind you how it came to be in her collection ... and ask if she would consider letting you buy it (at a fair price, after an appraisal by a reputable professional appraiser), if it ever came to pass she decided to sell it.

I also want to comment -- while OP's mom could be completely healthy and have all of her faculties, it is also possible she has symptoms of early onset dementia and/or is being inappropriately swayed by a friend who does not have her best interests at heart.

I think the pandemic reminded many of us that we should get our own estate plans in order, and that may have prompted OP to be thinking about her mother's estate plans ... while my mom had an estate plan, at my suggestion she took another look at it and realized it needed to be updated.

OP may have entirely pure motives at heart in thinking about her mom. She may have also always assumed her mom's jewelry would pass on down to her and her siblings ... something that commonly happens.

I know my brothers and sisters have some sense of possession about some of my mom's things, but my mom has bequeathed certain items to her children and family, and that's it; the rest is going elsewhere.

OP, I wish for you to examine your own heart and mind for reasons why your mom's jewelry is important to you ... is it for the family history? for the monetary value? for you to feel beloved by your mom? ... and then put that aside, and consider instead what makes the most sense for your mom, for her to have the best life possible. Maybe you say goodbye to the chance of having her jewelry, and maybe you say hello to your mom having more control over her finances and belongings.
 
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PinkAndBlueBling

Brilliant_Rock
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Dec 16, 2017
Messages
922
@mrs-b Amen, sister! Can I buy you a drink?
 
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