Selfish friends?

[Tuckins1]

I have a friend at work... We are very close- we eat lunch together every day, we hang out outside of work, etc... Every year I remember her birthday (get her a card, bring her cupcakes,etc..) but she never does anything for me. She doesn't even say happy birthday until someone else reminds her that it's my birthday. She complains about people being selfish and not helping others out, yet she exhibits the same behavior. I have come to realize that she is actually quite a selfish person, even though she portrays herself as otherwise. She acts hypocritically in many situations, and will act differently when around various different people. Do any of you have friends like this? How do you handle it? Do you mention something? Point out their hypocrisy? Ignore it? Stop hanging out with them? Let me hear your stories...

BTW- the birthday example is just one of many- it's just on my mind because my b-day is coming up...

 

[lulu]

If you otherwise value her friendship and this is her only blindspot I'd say something to her about this.

 

[decodelighted]

Is she "selfish" ... or "thoughtless" ... or "self-absorbed"? I believe that there is a difference. Some behavior is a "stage" folks are going through. Other behaviors are more insidious & reveal themselves over time (narcissism, intolerance etc).

I've been on both sides of this situation. I've had "relationship talks" with friends where I've offered examples of how one-sided our friendship appeared to be & asked for changes. And I've been on the receiving end of such a talk with a totally different person. Whether the friendship can be saved (or is worth saving) is such a personal matter depending on the relationship itself. You may just end up lowering your expectations of the person & downgrading your feelings/actions towards them a bit w/o any true HARD feelings.

Really think most of us have *been there* a time or two or twelve. It sucks. But its also an opportunity to find out where you each stand & possibly even deepen a friendship or express things the other person isn't even really conscious of about themselves. Just don't EXPECT to "fix them".

 

[Imdanny]

I might not put the effort into doing anything for her birthday and see if she notices it, gets upset, and wonders why you didn't. Just an idea.

 

[ForteKitty]

Call her out. Next time she complains about others being selfish or thoughtless, say, "but you do the same thing. remember when _____ and you didn't ____?"

I like Danny's idea too. why bother wasting your time and $ on her bday?

 

[Bleed Burnt Orange]

Call her out. Next time she complains about others being selfish or thoughtless, say, "but you do the same thing. remember when _____ and you didn't ____?"
I like Danny's idea too. why bother wasting your time and $ on her bday?

Yeah...I tend to do things like this. I'm under the impression that people who spend a lot of time together should be able to say things to one another. It might make me seem confrontational, but I'd rather get it off my chest than have me be the one bothered by it.

 

[Tuckins1]

Is she "selfish" ... or "thoughtless" ... or "self-absorbed"? I believe that there is a difference. Some behavior is a "stage" folks are going through. Other behaviors are more insidious & reveal themselves over time (narcissism, intolerance etc).

I've been on both sides of this situation. I've had "relationship talks" with friends where I've offered examples of how one-sided our friendship appeared to be & asked for changes. And I've been on the receiving end of such a talk with a totally different person. Whether the friendship can be saved (or is worth saving) is such a personal matter depending on the relationship itself. You may just end up lowering your expectations of the person & downgrading your feelings/actions towards them a bit w/o any true HARD feelings.

Really think most of us have *been there* a time or two or twelve. It sucks. But its also an opportunity to find out where you each stand & possibly even deepen a friendship or express things the other person isn't even really conscious of about themselves. Just don't EXPECT to "fix them".

Right. I think this is really a personality trait. She is a selfish person. I don't think that she would be receptive, because we did have a spat a few months ago where I pointed out a MAJOR hypocritical moment and she got pissed and didn't see how it was the same thing... I think that i'n just going to have to stop bending over backwards to help her and see if she notices. (Like I would help her with paperwork, go in her classroom to help with special events/parties/field trips, even things like opening the door for her in the morning (instead of her having to walk 20 feet to the open door, she knocks on the door right by my room if she sees my light on, then complains about people knocking on the door and wanting to be let in...) I don't really want to have any kind of real falling out because I do like her and I don't want work to become uncomfortable. I guess i'll just have to pull away a bit...

 

[Tuckins1]

I might not put the effort into doing anything for her birthday and see if she notices it, gets upset, and wonders why you didn't. Just an idea.

Already made that decision. Unfortunately her birthday is in September so it's already been done this year.

 

[Tuckins1]

Call her out. Next time she complains about others being selfish or thoughtless, say, "but you do the same thing. remember when _____ and you didn't ____?"
I like Danny's idea too. why bother wasting your time and $ on her bday?

Yeah...I tend to do things like this. I'm under the impression that people who spend a lot of time together should be able to say things to one another. It might make me seem confrontational, but I'd rather get it off my chest than have me be the one bothered by it.

I did this... She always talks about how she hates that people judge others based on looks (her husband has a birthmark on his face and he was tortured as a child- to the point that he was physically assaulted and lost sight in one eye...) I was talking about Howard Stern (who I know totally creeps some people out) but she said, very venemously, I HATE him, he just looks so gross and scary!! I said "Wow, i'm really shocked that you would base your opinion on someone based on what they look like, given the situations you've had in your life..." She got totally pissed and didn't understand that saying you hate someone because they "look gross and scary" is exactly what she said is a terrible thing and would never do.... Just things like this. I don't even bother anymore.

 

[decodelighted]

Maybe try an experiment. When she knocks at your door to be let in ... open it and say "I hate it when people knock on my door instead of walking around to the front". And just wait.

When she says someone is "gross" or whatever --- say "I hate it when people judge others by their looks". And just let it hang. Maybe, eventually, she'll figure out the hypocricy herself.

No discussion. No arguing. Nothing. Just simple statements that mimic ones she herself has made. And if she argues just shrug & walk away.

 

[fieryred33143]

The best way to approach this is to just let it all out.

When my friend, who used to be a best friend, and I got into our huge argument I let it all out. At that point I knew the friendship was over so I told her everything: how she is selfish, she only listens to my stories/vents/moments until it relates to her and then switches the conversations, she never stops to consider my feelings or ask me how my day was going, she throws me aside whenever she finds a "new" friend and expects me to pick right back up when she gets bored of the old friend, etc.

We stopped talking for a long while after. We started the friendship again a few months ago and she's like a whole new person. She takes the time to listen to what I'm telling her and asks questions. I can tell she's asking questions in an attempt to make an effort but at least she's trying. And the few times where she has stopped my conversation to talk about her she immediately apologizes. I've also noticed her doing that with other people.

I'm not saying to send her a nasty email but definitely bring it to her attention. In the case of my friend, she didn't really realize that what she was doing was annoying others. And honestly, it helps them out a lot more than it hurts them.

 

[kenny]

The only people you get to train are your children.

You DO get to choose your friends though.

 

[kenny]

The only people you get to train are your children.

You DO get to choose your friends though.

 

[Amys Bling]

Yes... I have a friend, who recently, only talks about herself, her money, her new this or that, the new guy she is dating... very self-involved at this point. I feel like she feels the need to talk herself up to hide insecurities.... i think in this circuimstance it comes across as selfish or self-absorbed... BUT i think it is an attempt to make her feel better. She has been through a tough time in the recent past- calling off a wedding to her boyf of 5 years- two weeks prior to her mom losing her battle with cancer. I think she gets a pass and I just listen and congratulate her on the new great things going on in her life.

So i think that SOMETIMES the selfish or selfabsorbed beahvior ---if out of character for that person---- is really masking something else. If it's just their personality, then I think it's something you can point out to them- or display the same behavior to them (i.e. not making a big deal out of her bday) and see if she can begin to see the connection in herself.

 

[soocool]

My view is this, you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends. I do not try to mold my friends into what I think they should be or want them to be. Let's face it we are all flawed in some respect. Some more than others.

I have a variety of friends and each one is unique and they are my friends for various reasons. One friend remembers every birthday and will send a card and call you, but she cancels plans last minute many times. Another one will give you the shirt off her back and do anything for you, but she'll forget that we had a lunch date unless I remind her a dozen times. A third friend can be trusted with any secret but if you say white, she will say black and many conversations are like debates.

The one thing I will never tolerate in a friend is being out down by the person or have the friend bring me down mentally and/or emotionally (aka toxic friend). I have casual friends and best buddies (some I have been friends with for over 40 years). Some I see on a regular basis, some once in a while, and some I only am in contact with over the phone or via email.

So if she is the approachable type then say something. If you think saying anything is useless then don't and accept her with her flaws or find another friend.

 

[soocool]

The only people you get to train are your children.

You DO get to choose your friends though.

I love you Kenny, you are so wiSE!

 

[rhbgirl24]

I know someone like that at work as well. I put up with it for a while, but then I realized it was completely one sided. I just chalked it up to her being extremely young and niave. However I didn't need that kind of person as a friend, so I took a step back.

I think you should say something or take a step back as well and see how it goes. Good luck!

 

[Tuckins1]

Thanks for the replies. I really do like her, it's just when these behaviors come out it really rubs me the wrong way. I think i'm gonna have to take a step back and realize that this friendship isn't as equal as I would like, and pull back a bit. I will just try to keep a little bit more distance between us, but still stay friendly. I really don't like to surround myself with negative people, so i'll have to try to spend time with her in smaller doses and see if she gets the point. I do try to point out times where she contradicts herself (not all the time- who doesn't change their mind sometimes?), but I don't want to hurt her feelings... It's something i've been wrestling with over the past year. If I don't start to feel better about it i'll have to sever the friendship. It's not good for me to have to "try" so hard to be true friends with somebody.

 

[Circe]

Hm - I may have a slightly different perspective on this. I've BEEN the selfish friend ... but the better word might be "oblivious." See, in grad school, I always preferred for one of my friends to come to my place than to go to hers: I sort of rationalized it because I always had refreshments on hand and movies to watch, and I'd pick up her cab fair home, and after a while, she never invited me to hers, so I thought we were copacetic.

Yeah, apparently not: last year she blew up at me with 5 years worth of stored resentment. I felt AWFUL, but also deeply puzzled as to why she hadn't just *said* something: if I'd known it bugged her, I would have sucked it up and just brought the refreshments and entertainment with me!

I think there's the potential to either be passive-aggressive in situations like this (i.e., responding in kind to behaviors you find unpleasant), or to keep being the good friend and develop a martyr complex (speaking hypothetically here: none of this is aimed at anybody in this thread). And neither one of those seem all that healthy, so ... why not mention one of the more obvious things, like your b-day, and see how she responds? If she mends her ways, you can slowly weed out the other behaviors: if she blows up, you can still pull back. Hope this isn't out of line ....

 

[dragonfly411]

This makes me think of something funny that happened to my mom and sister yesterday. They went to check out a culinary school for my sister, and went out to lunch after. There was a man a table away on a date with a woman and he did not stop talking about himself the ENTIRE duration of their meal. He started with talking about his gardens, and then how he researched real estate and set up his own real estate company and no one can even touch his company in comparison and it wasn't uncommon for him to read 2-3 books a week, sometimes even a day, and he'd researched thousands of websites. The last thing they heard as they went to leave was "I just... I'm amazing.. I amaze myself"

It is now a running joke in our family.

I am amazing.

Or in line with a certain song that came out recently : "I'm F*cking awesome"

That's what I think about with people like that.

 

[zoebartlett]

Tuckins, you've gotten great advice so far and I don't have anything else to mention, but I will say that I do have a friend who's selfish. I know she doesn't mean to be and it would probably hurt her feelings if I pointed it out. I've never said anything because we don't see each other often (she doesn't live in this area) and I don't like confrontation. I've been friends with this girl for over 20 years, and the conversations we have seem a little one-sided. For instance, I've had a rough couple of months lately. When we spoke the other day, she did ask me how I was, but even after I filled her in on some things that have been going on, all she said was, "Wow, that's too bad. I'm sorry. Yeah, I..." It was like I hadn't even been talking. Yes, it's great that she said she was sorry for what I've been dealing with, but I was looking for more I guess. It's kind of always been like that and there are other examples I could give. We've been friends for so long, and like I said I KNOW she doesn't mean it. Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable giving advice or something. I don't know.

Anyway, sorry to go on, but I just wanted to pop in and let you know that I've been there too. I hope things improve for you over time!

 

[afreebird]

You could sit down and have a chat with her about this, but she probably wouldn't take it very well. It's been my experience with some similar-sounding people that they're pretty self-righteous in general. It might be best to demote her from friend to acquaintance without any kind of conversation/drama at all. Consistently hypocritical people get under my skin. The only present I would give her in September is a fart in a jar.

 

[Tuckins1]

You could sit down and have a chat with her about this, but she probably wouldn't take it very well. It's been my experience with some similar-sounding people that they're pretty self-righteous in general. It might be best to demote her from friend to acquaintance without any kind of conversation/drama at all. Consistently hypocritical people get under my skin. The only present I would give her in September is a fart in a jar.

Lol!!!
I think this is how it's going to be... I'm just gonna pull back on it. I have tried confronting her and it really just ends with her getting pissy. (And I try to be very cautious and word things in a way that aren't accusatory...) My birthday is on Sunday. I mentioned it today, and she just said- "Oh, i'll just say Happy Birthday now cuz i'll probably forget". Nice. We'll see if she remembers or not. I'm not putting money on it.

 

[radiantquest]

If the bday thing is just one in many then I would end the relationship. I cant say for you whether she is a friend that you would miss not having. I have had friends along the way that weren't best friends and when we weren't "on the same page" or didn't have complimentary personalities I would just let the friendship fizzle out. There are some friends that I have that mean enough to me to say something to, but for the most part if it is just someone I hang out with sometimes or I just eat lunch with I wouldn't even bother. I would guess that if she isn't concerned about even saying happy birthday that you shouldn't concern yourself with her anymore. I am sure that it hurts your feelings. Why have a friend that hurts your feelings because she doesn't do the things for you that you do for her? A friendship goes both ways. I am not saying that you should only give bday gifts because you expect one in return, its the thought that counts and she is not thoughtful enough to even say it to you.

If it were me I would be one less friend. There are too many people to waste time on someone that isn't a good friend to me.

 

[Tuckins1]

If the bday thing is just one in many then I would end the relationship. I cant say for you whether she is a friend that you would miss not having. I have had friends along the way that weren't best friends and when we weren't "on the same page" or didn't have complimentary personalities I would just let the friendship fizzle out. There are some friends that I have that mean enough to me to say something to, but for the most part if it is just someone I hang out with sometimes or I just eat lunch with I wouldn't even bother. I would guess that if she isn't concerned about even saying happy birthday that you shouldn't concern yourself with her anymore. I am sure that it hurts your feelings. Why have a friend that hurts your feelings because she doesn't do the things for you that you do for her? A friendship goes both ways. I am not saying that you should only give bday gifts because you expect one in return, its the thought that counts and she is not thoughtful enough to even say it to you.

If it were me I would be one less friend. There are too many people to waste time on someone that isn't a good friend to me.

This is really true and it's a decision that i'm wrestling with... We need to remain friendly because we work closely with each other, but I may have to pull out of the personal life aspect. It's hard to do, but it's all these little things that just pile up and tip the scales...

ETA- thanks all for letting me vent! It's hard, and I don't want to talk about it with my other friends that know her because I wouldn't want any of this to get back to her until i'm ready to discuss it with her.

 

[atroop711]

I had a friend like this. She took, took and took. I gave, gave and gave. It took me many years to admit to myself she wasn't as nice as I'd always made her out to be. She always manipulated things to be in her favor. She's a pretty woman, great personality but she just walked over ppl and when she's done with you, she's done. One day I had enough...I stopped all communication. She then started to call, email and ask if I was upset. I told her yes I'm more disappointed in myself that I'd allow myself to be treated this way for this long. I told her I guess we've just grown apart. I hope you have a great life..I wish you no harm but I'm not going to be your door mat any longer (this was a friendship that was older than my marriage)

I don't have time to waste with ppl who don't appreciate the ppl who they have in their lives. We're still cordial..she lives in another state but we're not in each others lives

 

[Dancing Fire]

I have a friend at work... We are very close-

we eat lunch together every day

, we hang out outside of work, etc... Every year I remember her birthday (get her a card, bring her cupcakes,etc..) but she never does anything for me. She doesn't even say happy birthday until someone else reminds her that it's my birthday. She complains about people being selfish and not helping others out, yet she exhibits the same behavior. I have come to realize that she is actually quite a selfish person, even though she portrays herself as otherwise. She acts hypocritically in many situations, and will act differently when around various different people. Do any of you have friends like this? How do you handle it? Do you mention something? Point out their hypocrisy? Ignore it? Stop hanging out with them? Let me hear your stories...

BTW- the birthday example is just one of many- it's just on my mind because my b-day is coming up...

yeah,i have one of those friends.a group of 4 of us go out for lunch everyday and this guy never pick the lunch tab. if i had his money i'll burn mine.today he had at least $15K in cash (yes,$15,000) in his pocket,but still wouldn't pick up a $20 lunch tab.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I might not put the effort into doing anything for her birthday and see if she notices it, gets upset, and wonders why you didn't. Just an idea.

this would be my first reaction as well, but it's immature - it's stooping to a level she may not even be aware of - but you're doing it intentionally lol

 

[lulu66]

i have some experience here. (i think i attract self-centered/self-absorbed friends.) for one friend in particular, i found myself really hurt over the situation. we had been college friends, then she married & moved out of town, we didn't keep in touch but then she moved back to my town w/her husband. we started hanging out and became very close (or so i thought); then she announced her & her husband we getting divorced. at that point we became even closer, always doing things together (i was single at the time too). eventually, she got a boyfriend & dropped me a bit, which is understandable. then i had a birthday party, which she knew about & was supposed to attend. she didn't show up or even call to say why or happy birthday. at that point, i realized that i was being used. i was there for here when she needed me/wanted to go out/bored at home & she couldn't even bother to call me to tell me she wouldn't be attending my party so, i decided to stop investing my time & energy into her. yes, we are still friends. we do still see each/talk sometimes but i honestly just don't let myself get wrapped up in her life b/c she doesn't *really* care about mine.

i have a few other friends who display similiar characteristics (but none to that extent) & i've found that realizing that about them is the best thing i can do. these are people that i love hanging out with & do stay more involved in their lives but i don't allow my expectations of them to exceed what i know they will do (that way i'm not always getting disappointed by them).

i hope this makes sense, now that i've typed it out. but moral of the story: don't give her more than she gives you. and don't expect her to ever give you any more than she has in the past. and if you aren't ok w/that, don't be friends with her anymore.

 

[MishB]

I have one of these friends.

When we all get together my husband and I struggle to get a word in. Major events for us like buying a new house, extended overseas holidays, major operations, we might be able to get one sentence in before she is changing the subject back to something trivial that concerns her.

The irritating thing is that she always says 'I hate those women who have nothing else to talk about but their children, so boring blah blah, I will never be one of those women'. But her favourite subject is, you guessed it, her 4 year old child. The last time we saw them I think she talked for 2 hours straight about the choice of a school for her boy, pros and cons, etc etc.

We don't even have children, I'm not interested in the least. Not one bit.