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Seeking advice.....

Discussion in 'Proposal Ideas' started by alli4985, Nov 13, 2007.

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  1. alli4985
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    by alli4985 » Nov 13, 2007
    I have a problem here. I have been with my g/f for over a year now and we''ve been living together for 5 months. We are both 25 years old. I plan to propose soon but not sure how. Her parents are a very conservative, traditionalist family (not very happy that we live together w/o being married). I need some advice about asking them for permission to marry their daughter. Do I ask them both, if so at the same time?

    Also...Can I pick out a ring now, propose with it, then if it''s the wrong size we can get the right size. She doesn''t have any rings laying around, and there aren''t any friends of her''s that I could ask. So...I''m open to suggestions!
     
    


    


  2. musey
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    by musey » Nov 13, 2007
    In my opinion, yes and yes. I would be bothered if my FI had asked permission at all, and much more so if he had favored my father over my mother in that way.

    However, that''s a really personal thing. If possible, you should really put some effort into finding out your girlfriend''s own feelings about it.

    Yes, in theory... but it depends on the type of ring. For instance, a solitaire (plain band) is easy to size by quite a bit, while an eternity band generally can''t be sized at all. There are lots of suggestions on this board for sneaky ways to figure out her ring size.
     
  3. door knob solitaire
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    by door knob solitaire » Nov 13, 2007
    I'm old fashioned and find it extremely respectful and frankly romantic when a man asks permission of the parents. I think it is honorable and I know her parents will as well. You are about to begin a life not just with a bride...but her family as well. What better way to begin? Yeah to you!! Yeah!!!

    The father, to me is most important. The father has questions he needs answered and may feel better asking you direct without any wife/mother/female/emotional distractions. I would ask him, in private and then join the mother together. But if you are convinced to ask both...I would ask them at the same time. It doesn't have to be a big...formal thing. You can just show up after work when you know they are both home. Be careful if you call for an appointment. They may talk to GF and let her know you are coming over...and does she know why? Do you have a rouse to get over there under any other pretenses...such as your lawnmower is broken and you need his advice? That way you can tell her...and they won't spill anything. Once you have asked, you can ask them not to reveal your meeting...well, that is a similar script I would use.

    You never know, her mother may know her ring size. Mine does. We share jewelry. As Musey tells you there are many ideas to get her size...but you say she doesn't wear any. So the usual means of getting one from her isn't an option. You are going to have to create one....here's an idea;

    Do you have a mother or sister or niece you can buy a ring for ...as a birthday...Christmas...etc. You can create a rouse that the intended lost a ring...mentioned they wanted a specific ring...something. Head to the mall asking your gf to help you as you have no idea what sterling silver and lets say...blue topaz or blue zircon looks like. You hope she can help you pick something out that women would like...what does a guy know about jewelry? Make it believable. Get the aunt/mother/niece a pair of earrings too. Or fragrance. (you are going to return it all who cares?) Any way as she is helping you find this ring...she will more than likely try one on herself. If you think she likes it alot...say, you know...I would like to buy you that. Which one would YOU like. (Viola ...you will have the size).

    You can call ahead and learn which stores have sterling silver jewelry. Go to those stores...Macy's Dillard's...I am sure there are others. This purchase of a ring is going to set you back anywhere from $30 to $80. But your GF is going to get a pretty...and you are going to get your size answered.

    That is all I can think of...especially with one who doesn't have a ring already. There are many that tell you to measure while she is asleep. I will tell you if you were poking around like that...with me...I would smack the heck out of your pumpkin with a slobber knocker. Right in the old kisser! POW! I don't suggest that.

    DKS
     
  4. love is in the air
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    by love is in the air » Nov 14, 2007
    at 25 you are adults who are, presumably, supporting yourselves. asking parents'' permission is nice, I guess, but IMO it infantilizes a grown woman who has her own accomplishments and who is able to make her own decisions. if you are from a country outside of the US I guess this might be different, but otherwise I think it''s a nice thing but not in any way necessary. she''s old enough to make her own decisions, just as you are old enough to make your own. telling the parents first is, IMO, enough.

    as for the ring: why not propose and then after she accepts, look for the ring together. that way she gets what she likes and you can stay within your budget. I was proposed to without the ring and it wasn''t any less meaningful; indeed I was very pleased that I was allowed to pick out exactly the ring I wanted.

    good luck.
     
    


    


  5. anchor31
    Ideal_Rock

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    by anchor31 » Nov 14, 2007
    I doubt men really ask for the parents'' permission nowadays, but more for their blessing... Am I right in assuming this is your intention, alli4985? I do find this respectful, and suggest you ask both parents at he same time.

    As for the ring, I realise it''s not everyone''s cup of tea, but have you considered letting her be part of the ring choosing process? Some people find it unromantic, but let me tell you that chossing our ring together was one of the most romantic moments in my life!

    Whatever you do, good luck!
     
  6. largirl
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    by largirl » Nov 14, 2007
    I would try to find out subtley how she feels about the whole "asking for permission" thing. Maybe watch a movie where it happens, or tell a story about a [fictional] friend who did it and see how she reacts. Me, personally? I don''t get along that well with my dad and I think it''s my decision to make, not his, and I want to be the first to know about it! But if they are all very traditional and formal, it might go over very well! My advice? Ask her mom what you should do - she''ll know her daughter and the father best and let you know how to proceed.

    As far as ring sizes, really? No female friends of either yours or hers? If you have friends around it''s quite easy - enlist their help to have her try on one of their rings ("Here, can you hold this for a sec?" Most girls will put a ring on to hold it and the friend can see if it''s too big or too small - or they can enlist the "Wow, I have HUGE/SMALL fingers! Try this on, does it fit you?"). But in the absence of friends....hmm. Try to subtley compare her fingers to yours - her ring finger might be the size of your pinky, for example. That would at least get you in the right ballpark. You could try to measure her finger when she''s sleeping, if she''s a deep sleeper. Or you could do as others have suggested and propose first, then go ring shopping later (an IOU or something in a ring box would be really sweet, but has the possibility of being disappointing if she was expecting a diamond).
     
  7. mimzy
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by mimzy » Nov 14, 2007
    i agree with anchor. i think it is usually more of a "I''m going to propose, can i have your blessing" than "can i marry your daughter" nowadays. if your GF is a strong feminist or ultra sensitive about this type of issue then you might want to put some thought into the wording of it when you talk to her parents (and YES, talk to both of them together, unless, again you know she has strong feelings about it one way or the other).

    as for the ring, unless it is an eternity band or her fingers are tiny (smaller than a size four) and the band has pave around it then it shouldn''t be an issue getting a ring resized. when you do go to buy though you should have some idea as to what size she would be, which you can usually tell from a person''s build/frame.
     
  8. sunnyd
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    by sunnyd » Nov 16, 2007
    i''m trying to think like a traditionalist here...she must not be the same if she''s living with you anyway while her parents disapprove (for lack of a better word). i would say talk to both at the same time, unless the family relationship is quite patriarchal. then i''d say talk to dad first, then mom.

    as for the ring size...i got nothin, use one of the above ideas. they''re all quite sneaky! good luck!
     
  9. alli4985
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    by alli4985 » Nov 16, 2007
    Thanks for all the advise. Yes, her parents are very traditionalist and I should get their blessing first. So here is the order so far (I''m open to suggestions)

    1. Get parents "approval"...I''ll be very nervous, I don''t think they like it but will try to be nice (awkward).

    2. Guess the approximate size and get a ring. I''ll ask the jeweler if I will be able to adjust the ring size.

    3. Think of a proposal idea...

    Thoughts?
     
  10. largirl
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    by largirl » Nov 17, 2007
    The other thing about asking for their blessing or approval is....what if they don't give it? I would assume that you wouldn't be at this step without knowing that they'll say yes, but....what if they say they think you guys are too young or not ready yet? (Not that I think so, just playing devil's advocate with the worst case scenario!) Would you go through with the proposal or what...? Just something to keep in mind and have a plan just in case (god forbid!).

    Your plan of action sounds good!
     
    


    


  11. alli4985
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    by alli4985 » Nov 18, 2007
    They may be hesitant, but I think that her parents would give their blessing just for their daughters sake. If they say no, then I think I would just go threw with it anyways.

    The hard part will be getting her parents alone. I rarely see them and when I do my girlfriend always stays by my side (protecting me). But, if I do get them alone then I will bring it up quickly and I''ll be a nervous wreck.
     
  12. lap49
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    by lap49 » Nov 30, 2007
    I have a similar issue. My girlfriend and I have been living together just over a year. I''m planning to propose soon and I''m not sure if I need to ask her parents first. Even worse, her parents live an hour away and for me to go there without her finding out will be difficult and she will know something is up. Even if I get the opportunity to talk to them, I''m afraid she might find out before I actually propose since news spreads like wild-fire in her family. I''m thinking it''s better to just pop the question on my own.
     
  13. meresal
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    by meresal » Nov 30, 2007
    I have a sister that lives in S.Cal, about 1500 miles from DFW. Her fiance called my dad at work and planned a time for both my dad and mom to be home at the same time, and called them. They did it over speaker phone. Honestly, its a little "detached", but to my dad it meant more that he actually tried.(however, I AM aware that every family is different) Aka... there are 4 sisters in my family, so he also made sure to talk to my parents the day that he proposed. Things spread like wildfire in my family too!!
     
  14. HollyS
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    by HollyS » Nov 30, 2007
    I don''t mean to be rude when I ask this . . . but, you didn''t bother with getting their permission to live together, obviously. Why then is having their blessing important before you propose? Do you get along well with the parents aside from their displeasure over the living arrangements? Would they be happy that you want to marry their daughter?

    I''m a bit older than most on this forum at 48, and fairly conservative. If I were the mother, you would already have ticked me off by moving in with my daughter a mere 6-8 months after beginning to date her. I would be concerned that the two of you had jumped into the deep end pretty early in the relationship. I''m not a big fan of *playing house*, and apparently neither are they.

    If you have been included, as if you were an actual family member, in family events and holidays; if you have been treated like you are an important part of their daughter''s life and therefore important to them; you know the answer to your question. If you have clearly shown the parents that you love their daughter, and have every intention of being in this relationship *til death do us part*, then sit down with both parents and ask them together. They will be expecting it.
     
  15. aliciagirl
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    by aliciagirl » Dec 2, 2007
    You say that her family is very conservative/traditional but is she? This, honestly, would.not.go.over.well with me. I would be furious and would honestly probably say no to a guy who asked my family first. I know not all women would feel this way, but you really should ask her opinion (even if you do it in a vague manner) about this situation. The two of you have been living together and this leads me to believe she is not as conservative as her parents.

    Another thing, if you are going to ask her with or without their blessing then really what is the point? I do think it is respectful and tactful and sweet in some situations, but unless you know how she definitely feels about it, I say be careful.
     
    


    


  16. Sparkalicious
    Ideal_Rock

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    by Sparkalicious » Dec 2, 2007
    Alli, I know that this is probably a rough or nerve racking time for you... Sorry. [​IMG]

    My bf recently went through it. My parents/family is quite traditional and while my bf is not, he felt that it would be a nice gesture to have a conversation with my parents about taking a step towards marriage. My parents, appreciated the gesture and it gave them a forum to address any questions or concerns that they may have had, without feeling as though they were being impolite, overbearing or prying.

    I know that my parents feel much more comfortable now as does my bf, after having had this conversation and I feel very proud of my bf for taking a moment to appreciate the virtue in being a little bit old-fashioned.

    With regards to the ring, there are a lot of ways to find out her ring size. Try checking out different websites for ideas to start, however, if you do decide to have the conversation with both parents, this is the perfect opportunity to ask her mother to assist you with a size suggestion or to enlist her as a secret agent to find out on your behalf. [​IMG]

    Good luck and best wishes to you and your special lady.
     
  17. Puddleglum
    Rough_Rock

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    by Puddleglum » Dec 2, 2007
    I think it''s important to ask for the parents blessing no matter what age you are. You are setting the foundation for the rest of your future together, and I think respecting her parents is key.
    If it''s any indication, I just sent a letter for my G/F''s father who is deployed in the middle east, had a wait a month for his phone call, and am only now able to ask her after waiting that long.
    I say go for it, what do you have to lose anyway.
     
  18. alli4985
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    by alli4985 » Dec 5, 2007
    Thanks for all the advice so far.

    Here is an update...I spilled the beans with my g/f. Long story short, we aren''t engaged but she is expecting me to propose soon. AND, I found out that she wants to pick out the ring. So, I need to propose and try to make it meaningful and somehow surprising.

    But, I feel like I need to ask for her parents blessing first. I think they would appreciate it, and to answer the question earlier, yes her parent have started to welcome me more even though they didn''t ever like their daughter living with me. I know they are getting me x-mas presents at least. I''m thinking, next time I get the mom alone I will ask her if I can meet with just her and her husband sometime. I know she will immediately know what I''m referring to, and just hope for the best.

    Thoughts? and be honest and frank please!
     
  19. justageek
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    by justageek » Dec 9, 2007
    Hi alli,

    It''s clear that the situation is touchy, but your intuition is the best thing you have. You know more about your situation than your 4 posts can tell anyone on PS, and if you think you need to ask her parents, then go for it!

    I may be being overly conservative here, but I side with DKS and the others who say it''s a sweet, romantic gesture to ask the parents for the blessing. Whether or not you marry your gf may not depend on their blessing, but it''s a sweet, romantic GESTURE nonetheless. Marriage is trending towards a union of two people, and that''s wonderful, but traditionally it has been a union of two families. You can ask your girlfriend what she thinks about it -- chances are she''ll reflect the views of a lot of people on here. That it''s not necessary but it is a nice thought. You''re not going behind her back to see if her parents are willing to hand her off to you like a pet or an animal -- you''re going to see if her parents are willing to put your differences behind them so that you and your daughter can start a new life together. That they will accept YOU becoming part of THEIR family, not whether they accept YOU getting THEIR daughter (if that distinction makes sense).

    If you think the right thing to do is to ask her parents for their blessing, than do it! I''d say just call them up and ask if you can come over, and if they could please keep it a secret from your gf. They''ll probably know what''s up, and it''ll give them time to get ready for it. Don''t wait until the next time you and your gf are there -- it''s much harder to hide a secret in person than it is from a distance. Best of luck!!!
     
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