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Sad.. almost proposal for a friend

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ringless

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So my boyfriend and I are close to another couple and the guy was planning to propose to his girlfriend in Key West over the 4th weekend. His plan was to go snorkeling with her and tell her he found a treasure in the sand or something and when they got back on the boat he was going to propose. Well, turns out before he left for the trip the girls mom saw the ring and told him it was too small and to get a bigger stone for the ring and then propose... so there was no proposal this past weekend! I was so sad for her... she could have had a really special proposal and her mom ruined it!
 

Lauren8211

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I don''t even know what I would do to my mom if that happened to me.

Terrible, terrible, terrible.
 

HeadOverHeels4James

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OMG!! What a wench! That is soo sad. My mom would NEVER say something like that.
38.gif
That is just wrong. Her mom ruined HER moment!
 

gwendolyn

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Date: 7/8/2008 9:41:58 AM
Author:ringless
So my boyfriend and I are close to another couple and the guy was planning to propose to his girlfriend in Key West over the 4th weekend. His plan was to go snorkeling with her and tell her he found a treasure in the sand or something and when they got back on the boat he was going to propose. Well, turns out before he left for the trip the girls mom saw the ring and told him it was too small and to get a bigger stone for the ring and then propose... so there was no proposal this past weekend! I was so sad for her... she could have had a really special proposal and her mom ruined it!
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38.gif


What a b*tch. Sorry, but where the hell does she get off?! THAT'S her priority, the size of the stone, and not the fact that this guy was sweet enough to tell her in advance to share his excitement with the mom, that her daughter is about to get engaged, and that he wanted her to share in the moment?! THAT'S how she handled it, by taking the opportunity to tell him what he's providing isn't good enough?!

See, I know it's nice for people to clue the parents in before the proposal, but then you run the risk of something like THIS happening. No thanks. What kind of a message does that send to the boyfriend? And what, is he going to show her the new ring, to see if the new one is big enough for her darling daughter? What if NOTHING is EVER big enough?

Ugh, that makes me want to vomit. What a monsterous thing to say to someone. I hope the daughter rips into her mom for her messed up priorities when all this is out in the open.
 

Erin

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I would have told her Mom that this was MY gift to her, not her''s. Jeez. How rude!
 

sklingem

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What a witch!!! Then again - I would have proposed with the ring anyway.
 

taovandel

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That''s terrible! I''d be so mad at my mom if she butted in my business. Plus what it the daughter preferred a smaller diamond because of her job or just her own personal taste? What if she winds up with some big honking ring that she hates?

Seriously, he should have just proposed---he''s now allowed the mother to always be in their lives interrupting everything.
 

Anna0499

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That proposal idea sounded SO SWEET too! I bet she''s going to be furious if she ever finds out about the proposal-block by her mom. Too bad he didn''t know she was so materialistic, he should''ve left the ring at home! Hopefully your friend gets her dream proposal soon. Her guy sounds adorable for even accomodating the mother...could you imagine? Poor guy was probably already nervous about his choice!
 

Bia

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B*tch!

Kill...
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Lauren8211

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Date: 7/8/2008 10:22:01 AM
Author: Bia
B*tch!

Kill...
29.gif

You actually made me "LOL" at work.

Nice. Haha.
 

Bia

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Date: 7/8/2008 10:23:58 AM
Author: elledizzy5


Date: 7/8/2008 10:22:01 AM
Author: Bia
B*tch!

Kill...
29.gif

You actually made me 'LOL' at work.

Nice. Haha.
hehe...Glad to be of service! Don't you love when you randomly laugh out loud and people look at you like their thinking, "Freak" ?
9.gif


This story made me just plain mad. I can't imagine my mother being so materialistic that she would ruin such a wonderful and heartfelt moment for me! Poor girl. Hope she never finds out what her mom did.
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Sha

Ideal_Rock
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WHAT???!!!

Is it about the size of the diamond or his love for her? What if that''s all he could afford? Does he have to save now for a couple more months to afford a stone that would be ''big enough''????
29.gif


That''s terrible!!!
 

decodelighted

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Ummmmm. My hunch is that this is a "cultural" issue. In my experience certain "types" of moms feel its their DUTY to make sure their child is financially secure ... and that rings etc symbolize that security.
 

Lauren8211

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Date: 7/8/2008 10:52:52 AM
Author: decodelighted
Ummmmm. My hunch is that this is a ''cultural'' issue. In my experience certain ''types'' of moms feel its their DUTY to make sure their child is financially secure ... and that rings etc symbolize that security.

Kind of curious which "culture" this would attributed to...?
 

ladypirate

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That is so rude! Poor daughter.
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trillionaire

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Date: 7/8/2008 10:54:16 AM
Author: elledizzy5
Date: 7/8/2008 10:52:52 AM

Author: decodelighted

Ummmmm. My hunch is that this is a ''cultural'' issue. In my experience certain ''types'' of moms feel its their DUTY to make sure their child is financially secure ... and that rings etc symbolize that security.


Kind of curious which ''culture'' this would attributed to...?

The materialistic kind...
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I would have told the mom that we could upgrade later if FF wanted to, but that with all due respect, it was not mom''s decision.
 

dreaming of the day

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I agree that it was extremely poor taste on the mother''s part, however most mother''s know their daughters. If this mother and daughter are very close, maybe the mother is really helping the guy out cause her daughter would hate the ring? The proposal sounded absolutely fabulous and the poor guy, I feel for him.
 

fieryred33143

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I don''t know what is more of a concern and what is worse for the future of this couple:

The fact that his mom would prevent him from proposing because the ring wasn''t up to par

Or

That he is trying to keep up with the family''s materialistic views.

What''s going to happen when the house he buys is too small? Or the vacation is not extravagent enough? Or the clothing for their children is not expensive enough?

Good luck to them both. They will need it.
 

Independent Gal

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I don''t even know what to say to that. It is wrong on so many levels.

Geez.
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gwendolyn

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Date: 7/8/2008 10:52:52 AM
Author: decodelighted
Ummmmm. My hunch is that this is a 'cultural' issue. In my experience certain 'types' of moms feel its their DUTY to make sure their child is financially secure ... and that rings etc symbolize that security.
Hmmm. Just imagining things being flipped around for a sec, I can *easily* see you (and surfgirl, TGal, Holly, purrfectpear, and myself, to name a few) coming in to rightfully slam a woman who'd just been given a ring that she'd complained wasn't of "dream" stats for having skewed priorities and not focusing on what the engagement is supposed to be about (ie: the love of two people, the promise to start a life together, the soppy stuff). Obviously I don't know to which culture you are referring, so maybe learning a bit about the cultural traditions you are thinking of will help alleviate some of my confusion here.

What I am wondering is why it is that this parent gets an excuse, when in fact it would probably show *more* financial responsibility on the part of the gent by him *not* spending tons on a ring because the money could be best spent elsewhere? Not trying to be snarky, but honestly asking, as it seems like a double standard.
 

purrfectpear

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In this case FMIL certainly does NOT get a pass for her meddling rude behavior.
38.gif


That said, it sounds like this young man is not really ready for the responsibilities of marriage or he would have smiled sweetly saying "thanks FMIL, I''ll keep that in mind" and then gone ahead with his proposal with HIS ring. The fact that he did not, speaks volumes. Her opinion should be easily ignored by someone who confidently recognized it was not her business.

While the FMIL is a witch, it is really HIS faux pas IMO. It is his proposal, his decision, his responsibility and his ring. I wonder if he isn''t going to be dependent upon the inlaws for some financial help (paying for the ring, paying for the wedding, paying for a house?), and that is why he kow-towed to the FMIL? Either that or he needs to grow up a little.
7.gif
 

Anna0499

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Date: 7/8/2008 11:41:30 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 7/8/2008 10:52:52 AM
Author: decodelighted
Ummmmm. My hunch is that this is a ''cultural'' issue. In my experience certain ''types'' of moms feel its their DUTY to make sure their child is financially secure ... and that rings etc symbolize that security.
Hmmm. Just imagining things being flipped around for a sec, I can *easily* see you (and surfgirl, TGal, Holly, purrfectpear, and myself, to name a few) coming in to rightfully slam a woman who''d just been given a ring that she''d complained wasn''t of ''dream'' stats for having skewed priorities and not focusing on what the engagement is supposed to be about (ie: the love of two people, the promise to start a life together, the soppy stuff). Obviously I don''t know to which culture you are referring, so maybe learning a bit about the cultural traditions you are thinking of will help alleviate some of my confusion here.

What I am wondering is why it is that this parent gets an excuse, when in fact it would probably show *more* financial responsibility on the part of the gent by him *not* spending tons on a ring because the money could be best spent elsewhere? Not trying to be snarky, but honestly asking, as it seems like a double standard.
I think deco was just trying to give the mother the benefit of the doubt. I don''t agree with what transpired, but just think back to the whole bride price/dowry era, where the amount and value of gifts each family could bring to the union meant so much. I know that still today in some parts of the world, and possibly in the minds of some Americans, financial status and security are one of the main concerns when a couple gets married. I attended an engagement party in Vietnam last year, and the groom''s family brought several gifts (fruit, roasted pig, gold, clothes, money, etc.) to the bride''s house and the bride''s head of households presided over each gift and determined whether they were fit for their daughter/niece/granddaughter/etc. It was actually quite touching, albeit out-dated. Also, as dreamingoftheday stated, perhaps the daughter had hinted to her mother about what type of ring she would like and the mother thought she was doing the right thing by telling the boyfriend. I don''t know...playing devil''s advocate and trying to be optimistic. I think the parents get the excuse because they are most likely doing whatever they are doing because, *in their mind*, they are just looking out for the best interests of their children. When LIWs get small rings and complain about it, they are probably just being a bit too materialistic. Although that might be the case with this mother as well, we really don''t have enough details about her motives. I admit, a flash of rage immediately came over me when I read the OP, but now that I''ve had time to think about how my own mother might react, I''m trying to give the OP''s friend''s mother the benefit of the doubt.
 

Anna0499

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Date: 7/8/2008 11:54:18 AM
Author: purrfectpear
In this case FMIL certainly does NOT get a pass for her meddling rude behavior.
38.gif


That said, it sounds like this young man is not really ready for the responsibilities of marriage or he would have smiled sweetly saying 'thanks FMIL, I'll keep that in mind' and then gone ahead with his proposal with HIS ring. The fact that he did not, speaks volumes. Her opinion should be easily ignored by someone who confidently recognized it was not her business.

While the FMIL is a witch, it is really HIS faux pas IMO. It is his proposal, his decision, his responsibility and his ring. I wonder if he isn't going to be dependent upon the inlaws for some financial help (paying for the ring, paying for the wedding, paying for a house?), and that is why he kow-towed to the FMIL? Either that or he needs to grow up a little.
7.gif
I agree that he is opening the door (or perhaps the door has been open for awhile now) to being controlled by his MIL for the rest of his marriage. The mother's comments was simply validated by his behavior.
 

decodelighted

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What culture? Uh ... blush ... stammmer ... consider many rhymes ... really, really wish someone else would spell it out ... non-Western.

And, like I said, it is JUST A GUESS. The times I''ve heard stories like this its often a well-meaning mom who thinks she knows whats best for her girl & thinks she''s doing the "traditional" thing.

Am NOT defending the mom. Def. find the whole situation sad. But I don''t think its sheer materialism for materialistic sake but more deeply rooted (to be so pushy & presumptuous.)
 

dreaming of the day

Shiny_Rock
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I too agree with Indygirl - it''s hard to be the devils advocate and stay optimistic - but it is also hard not to look at all sides of the situation. Although we live in modern day society, our mulitcultural backgrounds account for some very traditional customs. Whether we agree or not that size matters, in some cultural backgrounds it plays an extremely important role, and represents a much larger picture. My mom knows me so well, that if FF showed up with a ring that was so not me I would hope she would say something. My dreams are of rings that are around a carat, which we have discussed is reasonable, if my FF was to propose with .25 carat ring I would be so dissapointed. I am not saying size matters, but we have been together almost 7 years and part of the prolonged time is due to finances. I will wear my e-ring for the rest of my life, so I want to look at it every day and be absolutely in love with it. I don''t want to look at it every day and think my SO totally doesn''t know me, look what he got me. Maybe this girls mom was taking this fact into account, she might really like the FSIL, and want to spare him with the hurt in her eyes when he proposes. Again I know size doesn''t matter, but we L''sIW do have some expectations and if they are not even close to being met we will be dissapointed. (Maybe not all of us, but I think most)
 

gwendolyn

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Date: 7/8/2008 11:54:18 AM
Author: purrfectpear
In this case FMIL certainly does NOT get a pass for her meddling rude behavior.
38.gif



That said, it sounds like this young man is not really ready for the responsibilities of marriage or he would have smiled sweetly saying ''thanks FMIL, I''ll keep that in mind'' and then gone ahead with his proposal with HIS ring. The fact that he did not, speaks volumes. Her opinion should be easily ignored by someone who confidently recognized it was not her business.


While the FMIL is a witch, it is really HIS faux pas IMO. It is his proposal, his decision, his responsibility and his ring. I wonder if he isn''t going to be dependent upon the inlaws for some financial help (paying for the ring, paying for the wedding, paying for a house?), and that is why he kow-towed to the FMIL? Either that or he needs to grow up a little.
7.gif
I keep imagining my boyfriend J in the position of the guy talking to the mom about his plans. J is incredibly sweet, bright, wonderful, caring, etc etc (don''t want to make you vomit), but one thing he is not is terribly confident. He has become moreso, but even now he will occasionally make comments about how he isn''t good enough for me. If he ever got together the courage to talk to my parents in advance of the proposal (something I don''t like the idea of anyway; we''re getting engaged as a couple so I''d want to tell them together, preferably after) and my mother told him the ring wasn''t big enough, he would feel MISERABLE. He''d be riddled with self-doubt, even if we saved for the ring and bought it together. He''d STILL feel like he had failed, and for what? Because my mother wanted me to have a bit more bling on my finger, instead of a house to live in, or less student debt?!

The above situation isn''t likely, but that''s my frame of reference. When I read about other''s boyfriends, I think of my own and how he''d act in that situation. It''s taken 3.5 or so years for him to just START to believe that my parents love him and want him in the family and think he''s ''good enough'' for me (whatever that even means). I can''t IMAGINE the damage that would be done to his confidence and sense of self-worth in this situation. He''s not perfect, and ironically one of his imperfections is being so terribly hard on himself. I hope as more time passes, he will continue to feel more secure, and I also hope everyone else in our families keeps their noses in their own business.
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Deelight

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Date: 7/8/2008 12:03:34 PM
Author: decodelighted
What culture? Uh ... blush ... stammmer ... consider many rhymes ... really, really wish someone else would spell it out ... non-Western.


And, like I said, it is JUST A GUESS. The times I''ve heard stories like this its often a well-meaning mom who thinks she knows whats best for her girl & thinks she''s doing the ''traditional'' thing.


Am NOT defending the mom. Def. find the whole situation sad. But I don''t think its sheer materialism for materialistic sake but more deeply rooted (to be so pushy & presumptuous.)

Deco, I could see the same thing happening in my culture and I am European so not right but it would not surprise me maybe not as extreme as the above example though.

What the mother did sounds terrible, poor girl
7.gif
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gwendolyn

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Date: 7/8/2008 11:54:27 AM
Author: IndyGirl22
I think deco was just trying to give the mother the benefit of the doubt. I don't agree with what transpired, but just think back to the whole bride price/dowry era, where the amount and value of gifts each family could bring to the union meant so much. I know that still today in some parts of the world, and possibly in the minds of some Americans, financial status and security are one of the main concerns when a couple gets married. I attended an engagement party in Vietnam last year, and the groom's family brought several gifts (fruit, roasted pig, gold, clothes, money, etc.) to the bride's house and the bride's head of households presided over each gift and determined whether they were fit for their daughter/niece/granddaughter/etc. It was actually quite touching, albeit out-dated. Also, as dreamingoftheday stated, perhaps the daughter had hinted to her mother about what type of ring she would like and the mother thought she was doing the right thing by telling the boyfriend. I don't know...playing devil's advocate and trying to be optimistic. I think the parents get the excuse because they are most likely doing whatever they are doing because, *in their mind*, they are just looking out for the best interests of their children. When LIWs get small rings and complain about it, they are probably just being a bit too materialistic. Although that might be the case with this mother as well, we really don't have enough details about her motives. I admit, a flash of rage immediately came over me when I read the OP, but now that I've had time to think about how my own mother might react, I'm trying to give the OP's friend's mother the benefit of the doubt.
Playing devil's advocate myself, why wouldn't the LIW get the same 'get out of jail free' card if she was raised in the same sort of culture? Why would the first assumption be of *materialism* for the daughter, but *culture* for the mother? We know nothing about anyone here, so why not make the same assumptions of culture or materialism equally, across the board?

To say it's probable that the LIW is materialistic when, perhaps, she was raised by a mother like in the OP who (let's say for argument's sake) was brought up in a certain culture that places a great deal of importance on the dowry/engagement ring/exchange of daughter for gifts like you just described seems rather unfair. If the daughter is raised by her mother to place a great deal of importance on the size/worth of the ring (opposed to any sentimental value it may have), then why would she be deemed materialistic? Wouldn't that just be her culture as well?
 

Bia

Ideal_Rock
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No its ridiculous. The ring was already purchased. He was ready to propose with it. Mother shot him down. Thats the end. If he had asked the mother, thats different altogether.

I can totally see how he''d be Freuded out by the mother dismissing the ring...and can see why he decided against proposing, even if he should have went ahead anyway.

Whatever culture plays into this, the ring was already bought. So any misgivings about it should have taken place in private, with the guy and his fiance. If she didn''t want the ring, it was her place to say something...not mommy''s.

JMHO
 

Anna0499

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Date: 7/8/2008 12:17:11 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Playing devil's advocate myself, why wouldn't the LIW get the same 'get out of jail free' card if she was raised in the same sort of culture? Why would the first assumption be of *materialism* for the daughter, but *culture* for the mother? We know nothing about anyone here, so why not make the same assumptions of culture or materialism equally, across the board?

To say it's probable that the LIW is materialistic when, perhaps, she was raised by a mother like in the OP who (let's say for argument's sake) was brought up in a certain culture that places a great deal of importance on the dowry/engagement ring/exchange of daughter for gifts like you just described seems rather unfair. If the daughter is raised by her mother to place a great deal of importance on the size/worth of the ring (opposed to any sentimental value it may have), then why would she be deemed materialistic? Wouldn't that just be her culture as well?
Well, the way I see it, there are several differences between the MIL and the daughter. The MIL may not know much about the boyfriend, how he feels about her daughter, etc. The girlfriend would most certainly know this and would know the meaning and love behind the ring itself, something the MIL would not necessarily be expected to know nor appreciate. My "first assumption" was not culture if you read my first post, but after looking at all sides of the situation, which is highly hypothetical because we don't know many details about it, you can see how a mother might think she is doing what's best for her daughter by commenting on the ring to the boyfriend. There are many cultures in which financial stability ranks very high on the list of attributes parents seek in a spouse for their children...you'd be surprised how many members of the WESTERN culture prize this as well. i.e. "My SIL's a doctor." Also, who's to say the daughter isn't a bit materialistic as well? Maybe the mother was just communicating the girlfriend's wishes to the boyfriend.

Also, for the record, I personally have never responded to a newly engaged PSer calling her materialistic when she is less than thrilled with the size of her ring, so maybe your post wasn't originally aimed at me anyway. When I come across those threads, if I reply at all, I say that she should just focus on the love of her FI.

That being said, I agree with purrfectpear that it says much more about the BOYFRIEND than the MIL that he would postpone a proposal and get a different ring at the future MIL's suggestion. What if he showed the MIL the ring to ask her opinion on whether the daughter would like it? Is the MIL supposed to lie if she knows different? We don't know the details, so it's hard to say.
 
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