RSVPs - is this insulting?

[CNOS128]

I know this question has been addressed time and time again... but I have to ask if it''s insulting to have the RSVP cards read:

We have reserved [number of] seats in your honor.


This is what my fiance and I would like to say, but FMIL has informed me that it''s "insulting" and that people will know from the envelope who''s invited.

Now, I know what the etiquette is, and I know people should know from the envelope who''s invited, but I''ve also heard from many people that uninvited guests showed up to their weddings, which is my reason for wanting to include this line.

What do you think? Insulting? Okay? Insulting but valid?

 

[KimberlyH]

I would not be offended if I recieved a wedding invitation/RSVP card that read what you''ve stated. I wouldn''t even think twice about it.

 

[EyeElle]

I agree, I see nothing wrong it is what so ever.
I actually think its a smart idea, and would save you alot of headaces in the end.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I''ve gotten invitations like this before and it didn''t bother me at all.

 

[blondebunny]

Date: 12/26/2008 5:42:38 PM
Author:TheBigT
I know this question has been addressed time and time again... but I have to ask if it''s insulting to have the RSVP cards read:


We have reserved [number of] seats in your honor.



This is what my fiance and I would like to say, but FMIL has informed me that it''s ''insulting'' and that people will know from the envelope who''s invited.


Now, I know what the etiquette is, and I know people should know from the envelope who''s invited, but I''ve also heard from many people that uninvited guests showed up to their weddings, which is my reason for wanting to include this line.


What do you think? Insulting? Okay? Insulting but valid?

so glad you asked this questions we were just talking about how we should word it if we are allowing someone to bring a guest and not to bring a guest... I think that is defintely an appropriate way! and helps me out!

 

[MsSassy]

this is what we''re going to have on our invitations. i dont think its insulting at all. most people (besides those who have planned weddings of their own) dont know what the wedding etiquette it. Some may assume that if you dont tell them how many people they can bring they can bring the whole fam.

Unfortunately we have a max of 250 guest and so we have to limit who can bring who etc..

 

[honey22]

It''s not insulting at all, it will save you lots of headaches in the long run. Anway, it''s your invites, not FMILs

 

[Sabine]

I don''t think it''s insulting at all, but the other can of worms that you open with this wording is that some people see that you have reserved x number of seats, and if someone who is listed on the envelope can''t make it, they somehow (mistakenly) feel it''s okay to substitute whoever they like. If you are okay with that, great! It''s just something else that I''ve seen people stupidly do.

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 12/26/2008 5:42:38 PM
Author:TheBigT
I know this question has been addressed time and time again... but I have to ask if it''s insulting to have the RSVP cards read:


We have reserved [number of] seats in your honor.



This is what my fiance and I would like to say, but FMIL has informed me that it''s ''insulting'' and that people will know from the envelope who''s invited.


Now, I know what the etiquette is, and I know people should know from the envelope who''s invited, but I''ve also heard from many people that uninvited guests showed up to their weddings, which is my reason for wanting to include this line.


What do you think? Insulting? Okay? Insulting but valid?

Is this b/c you are inviting some people w/o guests and are worried that they will bring a guest anyway?
I don''t think it is insulting, but if your FMIL does, then I wouldn''t include it b/c she sounds like the kind of MIL that will hold this against you forever, if she is willing to say something about it in the first place. I obviously don''t know her, but she sounds like the type where you should choose your battles wisely. It may not be worth it. And by giving a little on this, it may soften her a bit.
I know that weddings are expensive, and we had people bring unwanted guests, but not very many, and the caterers should be prepared to handle it. Personally, I would leave it out. Just my .02.

 

[Jypsie]

I do not think this is insulting at all. As I feel that weddings are an adult affair, unless specifically inviting children under 8 or 10, I think this is a great way to send that message without needing to go to what I think is insulting, and clearly stating, in some manner, that the invitation is intended for adult family members, unless the kids are part of the wedding party... that, I think is insulting. But, I have seen that on invites as well. So, I don''t bring my dogs... darn! hehe

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

It would be much more insulting if you had to tell someone later that they weren''t invited, because they couldn''t figure it out from the envelope. This - this is just being cautious and not insulting at all!

 

[newsboysgrl777]

Date: 12/26/2008 9:25:43 PM
Author: Sabine
I don''t think it''s insulting at all, but the other can of worms that you open with this wording is that some people see that you have reserved x number of seats, and if someone who is listed on the envelope can''t make it, they somehow (mistakenly) feel it''s okay to substitute whoever they like. If you are okay with that, great! It''s just something else that I''ve seen people stupidly do.

I''m very glad this question came up because I''m at a loss for how to handle it, and what Sabine says makes sense, too. I mean, we''ve mostly got family coming, but I don''t want, say, my cousin''s family (consisting of my cousin, his wife, his 2 kids, and their 2 kids) to bring someone other than them if it comes down to that. For example, I say "we have reserved 6 seats for you" and one of my cousin''s kids can''t make it, but then their 21 year old daughter (who is semi-wild) says ''wait! we have 6 seats though! Why can''t i bring bf-of-the-moment?"

also, how do you address the thing with kids? I don''t mean to hijack the thread, but we''re thinking of having someone who is a certified day care provider to come for the day and take the kids to their own spot during the wedding and reception, and I want to let the parents know this ahead of time, so that they aren''t like "why are you taking my child?" What''s the best way to go about this? something like "Child care will be provided for guests under the age of 10"?

 

[CNOS128]

Thanks, ladies. It''s good to know that there are at least some people out there who don''t find this insulting! I was literally in tears yesterday after hearing FMIL''s response - not because it''s so important to me to include this phrase on the cards, but because I felt like the way she chose to tell me this (not, "I don''t think this is going to be a problem," but "Your RSVP cards are insulting to guests") was insensitive and, frankly, insulting.

Then my fiance spoke to her and told her that we were going to keep the cards phrased this way, and she was suddenly fine with it. He didn''t think that her change of opinion had anything to do with the fact that he''s her son and I''m the FDIL, but I kind of do - I think she was disagreeing for the sake of disagreeing, and trying to make things just a little more difficult for me. But, like many sons, Joe believes his mother can do no wrong!

Anyhow, if she''d said it to me in a nicer way, I think I''d be more able to appreciate her point. I do see how it could be interpreted as a little pushy or directive. I just don''t trust all of our guests (particularly certain of Joe''s relatives) to abide by the rules of wedding etiquette (when they are completely unfamiliar with any other etiquette), and would rather not ask my parents to pay for additional guests.

That said, I may not include it on the cards simply because I wouldn''t want to risk insulting someone (and if a relative brings an uninvited guest I can always make a nasty comment to my MIL, right? Right??

)




And, newsboy - I would do what you suggested: Childcare will be provided for children under age 10.

 

[bee*]

I can''t see any problems with that. It''s not insulting at all.

 

[Rhea]

We did something similar to that and had no issues with it. We heard horror stories about people inviting themselves and decided that would be a quick and easy fix. Our wedding was informal.

 

[Haven]

I don''t think this is insulting at all.

DH and I had some serious rows over the response cards because I didn''t think we needed them at all, and he couldn''t imagine how his family would respond without having every single detail provided for them. It was a great lesson that you really have to consider your social circle and adjust accordingly.

If you think people will otherwise ignore the inner envelopes and add uninvited guests, by all means, use this language. I wouldn''t be insulted at all.

 

[redfaerythinker]

I would not be insulted in the slightest. I think I might even be a bit relieved because it eliminates any doubt on my part as a guest as to who is invited.

 

[pennquaker09]

I agree, it''s perfectly acceptable.

 

[havernell]

Date: 12/26/2008 9:25:43 PM
Author: Sabine
I don''t think it''s insulting at all, but the other can of worms that you open with this wording is that some people see that you have reserved x number of seats, and if someone who is listed on the envelope can''t make it, they somehow (mistakenly) feel it''s okay to substitute whoever they like. If you are okay with that, great! It''s just something else that I''ve seen people stupidly do.

I think this is an excellent point to consider, Sabine, and it''s worth highlighting again. By putting the words "x number of seats have been reserved in your honor" you are, in fact, giving the guests MORE control over who comes than if you don''t put those words. If you tell someone seats are reserved for them without attaching specific names to those seats, then technically they CAN fill those seats with whoever they want and you can''t tell them "no" without seeming like are giving something with one hand and taking it away with the other. Now I know there would be names on the front of the envelope, but the "seats reserved in your honor" phrase kind of cancels that out in a way.

Overall, it seems like putting this phrase is very risky and could well cause you even more headaches than just quietly dealing with the two or three clueless people who RSVP for an extra guest. Thanks for posting this Sabine. You made me reconsider doing this on our invitations.

 

[newbie124]

I think from all the various RSVP threads I''ve read plus hearing about friends'' experiences, it really seems like no matter what phrasing people put on the RSVP cards, there will ALWAYS be at least a couple guests who don''t interpret it the right way and need a follow up call from the hosts to iron things out. So basically I think you should just put whatever you''re most comfortable with and expect that you will probably have to clarify the invitation for at least a couple guests.

Now, one thing I am considering for our single guests (we''re only planning to invite couples who are married, engaged or living together) is writing in their names on the RSVP cards on the "M_______" line. Does anyone think that would look weird or rude?

I think most of our single friends understand that the invitation is just for them w/o a guest, but there is one friend who decided to bring a random SO that no one knew existed to a mutual friend''s OOT wedding and only informed the bride/groom a WEEK beforehand, so this would be our way of trying to make it a little clearer that we''re not doing "and guest."

 

[CNOS128]

Date: 12/28/2008 4:09:16 PM
Author: havernell

Date: 12/26/2008 9:25:43 PM

Author: Sabine

I don''t think it''s insulting at all, but the other can of worms that you open with this wording is that some people see that you have reserved x number of seats, and if someone who is listed on the envelope can''t make it, they somehow (mistakenly) feel it''s okay to substitute whoever they like. If you are okay with that, great! It''s just something else that I''ve seen people stupidly do.

I think this is an excellent point to consider, Sabine, and it''s worth highlighting again. By putting the words ''x number of seats have been reserved in your honor'' you are, in fact, giving the guests MORE control over who comes than if you don''t put those words. If you tell someone seats are reserved for them without attaching specific names to those seats, then technically they CAN fill those seats with whoever they want and you can''t tell them ''no'' without seeming like are giving something with one hand and taking it away with the other. Now I know there would be names on the front of the envelope, but the ''seats reserved in your honor'' phrase kind of cancels that out in a way.


Overall, it seems like putting this phrase is very risky and could well cause you even more headaches than just quietly dealing with the two or three clueless people who RSVP for an extra guest. Thanks for posting this Sabine. You made me reconsider doing this on our invitations.

This is a great point, but somehow I feel I''d rather have my guests who are invited "plus one" bring someone I don''t know (especially if that means they''ll have a better time than coming alone!), than have uninvited numbers of guests show up. A big part of it that my parents are hosting and they would have to pay for extra meals in the second scenario. I don''t mind having people I don''t know at my wedding, I just mind having to rearrange the seating and provide additional meals!

 

[CNOS128]

And, thank you all once again for your input! I really think that the people on Pricescope are outspoken enough to say if they''d be offended or insulted by something, so if I do decide to include this line on my reply cards I will rest comfortably knowing you all have given your honest advice!

 

[Nocturnius]

I don''t think it''s insulting, and your FMIL needs to be told that people don''t pay attention to the envelope.

I have NEVER seen a wedding when someone only RSVPed for the people on the envelope. They just invited along whoever the heck they wanted to. I was a bridesmaid for a wedding where I took on the duty of calling all the people who had RSVPed and invited their boyfriend of one week who was specifically not listed on their envelope.

There is nothing wrong with this - you''re nudging them to let them know how they can keep from stressing you out by NOT tacking on people who are not invited.

Be aware, though, that you may still have people be stupid and RSVP for more seats. I always suggest asking someone ahead of time if they would make the "no, you can''t invite them" calls (my favorites are either a gutsy bridemaid or the father of the bride) so that you don''t have to - people will assume you''re being a Bridezilla if you make the call, but they likely won''t question your dad.

 

[CNOS128]

Good idea, Nocturnius, my FMIL can be in charge of those calls.