RSVP etiquette - VENT :(

[blacksand]

Liking someone's excited wedding post on facebook does not necessarily equal needling for an invite.

Agreed, but, to be fair, I think she was talking about a friend "liking" a passive agressive status update from another friend about not being invited to certain events, rather than about people liking excited wedding posts.

I've been pretty lucky with my facebook friends thus far, everyone seems supportive and happy. Though I did have one friend post something I thought was pretty rude this weekend. I posted a status about how I was panicking over an upcoming exam (i.e, not wedding-related at all), and she replied that she was also panicking...about the cost of the hotel for my wedding. I thought that was totally out of left field and uncalled for, especially since we negotiated a really low price for our guests. She's welcome to stay somewhere else if she wants, but I don't think she's going to find a lower price anywhere in Northern NJ.

Anyway, end tangent. Sorry. Facebook can be weird, but I try not to put too much stock in it. What's extra weird for me, since FI and I have had a long engagement, is that several of my fb friends who ARE invited to my wedding have gotten engaged after us and married before us...and have not invited us to their weddings. I mean, I know it doesn't have to be completely reciprocal, but it's weird when a friend who already has my Save the Date on her refrigerator gets married and doesn't invite me. I'm not catty, though, so no changing the guest list now. I love my friends and I'm just going to keep that in mind through all the planning madness, no matter what else happens.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Liking someone's excited wedding post on facebook does not necessarily equal needling for an invite.

Agreed, but, to be fair, I think she was talking about a friend "liking" a passive agressive status update from another friend about not being invited to certain events, rather than about people liking excited wedding posts.

I've been pretty lucky with my facebook friends thus far, everyone seems supportive and happy. Though I did have one friend post something I thought was pretty rude this weekend. I posted a status about how I was panicking over an upcoming exam (i.e, not wedding-related at all), and she replied that she was also panicking...about the cost of the hotel for my wedding. I thought that was totally out of left field and uncalled for, especially since we negotiated a really low price for our guests. She's welcome to stay somewhere else if she wants, but I don't think she's going to find a lower price anywhere in Northern NJ.

Anyway, end tangent. Sorry. Facebook can be weird, but I try not to put too much stock in it. What's extra weird for me, since FI and I have had a long engagement, is that several of my fb friends who ARE invited to my wedding have gotten engaged after us and married before us...and have not invited us to their weddings. I mean, I know it doesn't have to be completely reciprocal, but it's weird when a friend who already has my Save the Date on her refrigerator gets married and doesn't invite me. I'm not catty, though, so no changing the guest list now. I love my friends and I'm just going to keep that in mind through all the planning madness, no matter what else happens.

Ah, apparently my reading comprehension deteriorates when I post in the middle of the night

I can't believe someone would post on your facebook complaining about the cost of your hotel!! How rude and delusional!

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

I'm kind of stunned about the hotel posting as well. Um, STAY AT HOME! Or go elsewhere. People are rude and catty when their jealous.

 

[blacksand]

I was really shocked because she's actually a good friend of mine, and a really nice person, not the kind of person I'd ever expect this from. But then I started thinking back, and I remember a similarly inappropriate discussion about the cost of dinner on my birthday one year in college. It was a prix fixe menu at $15 per person, which I really didn't think was bad. I wouldn't even have minded her pulling me aside ahead of time and telling me she didn't think she could afford it or whatever, but instead she complained LOUDLY when the bill came in. And it was my birthday, so the rest of my friends were trying to slyly and quietly pay the check without allowing me to contribute, but she made such a fuss I felt like I had to pay up, if only to lessen the burden on her. I mean, I feel bad if my friends are going through financial difficulty, I do. But talk to me privately, please, don't make a big scene in public (or on facebook). She does live out of town, so I know attending my wedding will cost her some money. I would be understanding if she approached me privately. I've been thinking about whether or not to reply to her with some travel options to save money, people who might not mind sharing rooms, etc., but I haven't yet done so because I'm just...not feeling terribly inclined to help her right now.

Anyway, speaking of rude...I think this was a total threadjack. Sorry!

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

I think that would make you a really big person to give her alternative options. Of course, give them to her privately (so maybe she takes the HINT!), but advise that while you'd love to have her at your wedding, if it's becoming a financial burden, you totally understand if she can't make it.

 

[gem_anemone]

I thought I would share an annoying but somewhat funny ironic tidbit about our actual guest showing for the reception. I think I mentioned before a couple that RSVPed with two extra guests and then they kept changing one of the extras. First it was a daughter, then when she couldn't come they wanted their other 17 year old daughter's boyfriend to come in her place, then when HE couldn't come they wanted to let the daughter bring a random friend! The daughter wasn't even invited in the first place and they want to bring a friend??! My fiance (now husband! ) ended up finally telling them that even though we said yes to her boyfriend that we weren't going to accommodate her random friend. They seemed fine with it...well guess what. After all that nonsense they DID NOT EVEN SHOW UP! WTF! The rudest group of people on the guest list for SURE!!! I may be laughing but seriously I'm like way to unneccessarily stress out the bride! They should have RSVP'd "NO" to begin with!!!

 

[gem_anemone]

Oh and another thing about the girl that posted that FB status about not being invited to a wedding and I thought she may be talking about mine.... On the day of my wedding she posted a status about how she was "sitting home watching glue dry"! I'm telling you that I can't even make this stuff up! It would be very hard to convince me that she wasn't offended about not getting invited.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

I thought I would share an annoying but somewhat funny ironic tidbit about our actual guest showing for the reception. I think I mentioned before a couple that RSVPed with two extra guests and then they kept changing one of the extras. First it was a daughter, then when she couldn't come they wanted their other 17 year old daughter's boyfriend to come in her place, then when HE couldn't come they wanted to let the daughter bring a random friend! The daughter wasn't even invited in the first place and they want to bring a friend??! My fiance (now husband! ) ended up finally telling them that even though we said yes to her boyfriend that we weren't going to accommodate her random friend. They seemed fine with it...well guess what. After all that nonsense they DID NOT EVEN SHOW UP! WTF! The rudest group of people on the guest list for SURE!!! I may be laughing but seriously I'm like way to unneccessarily stress out the bride! They should have RSVP'd "NO" to begin with!!!

What a bunch of A-holes!! I'm sorry to hear that, but screw 'em! You're better off without them being there anyway. I tell you, I would have called and yelled at them!!

Funny thing on my end. One of my Mom's guests (who doesn't know me) got our invite and had to search for my FI's parents phone number (I used FI's last name on the return address) and called to say we must have the wrong person because she didn't know a StacylikesSparkles and FI. Ha! She shouldn't have been invited if they didn't know who the invite was from.

 

[gem_anemone]

I agree! I didn't really want anyone there that I didn't know. My mom insisted on inviting a couple of her friends who I didn't really know, but they didn't end up coming.

I forgot to mention earlier too that one of the families brought a one year old kid! He was really cute and really well behaved, but I was still irritated because no one told me he was coming. Also his mom was one of the plus one's to a son of the family who didn't originally get a plus one and ended up asking me for a date after the invites went out. I was annoyed that I didn't even invite the kids in the wedding party, but then a kid was there anyway and he was brought by someone who wasn't even on the original guest list. It kind of made me wish that I would have invited the wedding party kids. Oh well. I can't change it now!

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

We invited all the wedding party kids, but the majority said 'oh hell no! we're having a night off!' and found sitters. The exception is future SIL, who has a 2 year old and a newborn. The two year old is leaving with family after the wedding and of course the newborn kind of needs to be close to her! I've had one person rsvp no because we're not having kids (because clearly finding a babysitter TWO MONTHS ahead of time is just impossible) and I had one person ask if she was able to bring her daughter (friend of DH) and I said no. It isn't fair to have random people bring their kiddos when my own family has been asked not to. She seemed to understand, but reluctantly. I don't really care if she understood or not though. It's a blanket, across the board for no kids (expect wedding party, which SIL is a part of), no exceptions.

 

[jstarfireb]

Oh, I could say SO MUCH about everything that's being discussed here! I still get upset at how many people my mom and grandmother added to our guest list. I firmly believe that if either my husband or I would not recognize a person's face, they shouldn't be invited to our wedding. Extended family or not. I wanted 50-75 guests and ended up with 125 because my mom and grandmother decided they had to invite everyone who's known me since childbirth. My grandmother had to point out who was whom at the reception, which was embarrassing for me. Now, since my parents were paying for the bulk of the wedding, I suppose they had the right to invite whoever they wanted, but I still think they should have paid more attention to my concerns and requests.

As for the kids issue, I also felt very strongly about our wedding being an adults-only event. I put "adults only, please" on our wedding website. Luckily none of my friends had kids at the time and it was only an issue for my one cousin who had a baby. She opted not to come rather than to find a sitter, but we're not very close anyway.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

My grandmother had to point out who was whom at the reception, which was embarrassing for me.

This is exactly what I'm talking about. I'm sure that I will not recognized a good bit of people from our side of the guest list. While I totally undertsand that I won't know all of FI's side, I think I should have a good grasp on who the heck I invited lol..It's pretty annoying. We'll see how it goes though.

 

[blacksand]

Ugh. I told my parents I need a "study guide" of labeled photographs of all my dad's cousins before the wedding, because I will be mortified if I don't know everyone's name. I wasn't planning on inviting them originally, but then my cousin got engaged and married (yeah, we got lapped) and invited all of them, and there was all this talk of "you're next, we can't wait!", so now they are all expecting invitations. At least I got to see a few of them at my cousin's wedding, so I'll recognize maybe one or two of them. I hate it, but I know feelings would be hurt if I didn't invite them after my cousin did...family dynamics and all that.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

Ugh. I told my parents I need a "study guide" of labeled photographs of all my dad's cousins before the wedding, because I will be mortified if I don't know everyone's name. I wasn't planning on inviting them originally, but then my cousin got engaged and married (yeah, we got lapped) and invited all of them, and there was all this talk of "you're next, we can't wait!", so now they are all expecting invitations. At least I got to see a few of them at my cousin's wedding, so I'll recognize maybe one or two of them. I hate it, but I know feelings would be hurt if I didn't invite them after my cousin did...family dynamics and all that.

Is this really how it is though? I mean, if I haven't seen someone in 5 years, but they were invited to my cousins's wedding 6 years ago, am I expected to invite them to my wedding? I had to talk my Mom out of inviting some of her Aunts. I asked if she'd seen them or talked to them in the last year. If the answer was no, then are they really going to be sad they didn't come to my wedding? Maybe I'm just a jerk lol

Random question; how do you all feel about inviting coworkers?

 

[blacksand]

It just depends on the family, I guess. In my family, it's just kind of a package deal. You invite some, you invite them all. I'm quite close with most of them and I want them there. I just really thought I could get away with not inviting my dad's cousins...but no such luck. For me, I'd rather deal with a few people I don't know well than deal with all the drama and hurt feelings if I don't invite them. Budget constraints make things much more complicated, though! That's one of the reasons FI and I are having an almost two-year engagement. We knew from the onset that we would be dealing with a huge guest list and we had best start saving mucho dinero. It's worth it, to me, to put up with a few unwanted guests if it means the rest of my dad's family (with whom we are close) will be there and everyone will be happy.

As for coworkers, no, no, no. I'm not inviting a single one. I would find that so awkward. I don't really socialize with my coworkers at all outside of work, and I like it that way. Besides, we have quite enough people already with my ridiculous family.

 

[gem_anemone]

I only invited coworkers that I hang out with or talk to outside of work. I invited like 6 and I only had 3 show up. All the coworkers that my husband invited came.

I did not invite any of my grandmother's siblings to the wedding, however I did invite my grandfather's brother and his wife (out of towners), only because I really like them and talk to them via Facebook. My grandfather actually has 5 siblings though, so the other 4 were "snubbed". They all live out of my state and I have no clue who the others are really so I didn't want the hassle of arranging for a lot of out of towners for a Friday wedding.

I think my grandmother's sister wanted to come. I haven't talked to her in like 10 years and she lives in my city I feel like if she really wanted to see me she could have before my wedding...Last I heard from her was when she friend requested me on Facebook, but didn't actually say hi or anything.

My aunt wants me to send out announcements but I feel like that is just a gift grab. If you are close with me or my family you will find out by word of mouth. If you are not close with me it doesn't matter to me if you know I got married.