RSVP etiquette - VENT :(

[gem_anemone]

I think this is more of a vent than anything because I don't think I have done anything wrong and there really is no way to fix this without getting people mad at us! My fiance and I are limited by budget like most engaged couples who are paying for their own wedding. We are not including ANY children under 12. We decided not to include +12 children of people we invited who are not close friends and family. We are not including plus-ones for people who are dating someone we don't know or someone they have not been dating very long (wedding party excluded - we gave them all plus-ones).

I'm annoyed because on my side of the family I made sure that everyone knew "the rules" before I sent out the invites. However, my fiance made no effort to give his side of the family heads up. Now we have had a ton of RSVPs that include extra people that were not invited, mostly from his side. This includes plus-ones, teenage children that were not invited, and even one couple RSVP'd with their 8 year old daughter.

We included who was invited to the wedding by name, individually, on the invitations. Why are people RSVPing extras? What is the deal here? Should I have made it clearer on the invitations? It's also super annoying because they just wrote Mrs. and Mrs. So-and-So +2. So honestly I don't even KNOW who the +2 are and I'm only assuming it was their uninvited children! This is even more annoying because we are doing assigned seating and I don't even know the name of the people they RSVP'd in order to put them on the seating chart!!!

We have contacted one friend of his who did not get a plus one and wanted one and let her know that we did not give plus ones. Now she doesn't want to come to the reception, which upsets me, but if she can't suck it up for one night without a date I guess it's better she just stays home (she will know people at the reception and we were going to seat her with another single lady friend of hers). We have asked my fiance's mother to try to gently let the other extra RSVPers know that due to budget restrictions and age restrictions their kids and dates are not invited, but so far no word back! UGGGGHHHH!!!!!

 

[blacksand]

It amazes me how people can be so completely clueless about these things. If you clearly list the names of all invited parties on the invitation, I don't see how there can be any confusion. But it seems there always is! Honestly, since you made things clear to your family and friends ahead of time, and it seems they all understand the rules, I'd say it's on your fiance at this point to clear up the confusion with his side of the guest list. Have him deal with it, and try not to stress yourself out. His family and friends, his problem. It's terrible that his one friend won't come at all if she can't bring a date, but if she's going to bring that kind of drama into your wedding, it's better that she not be there.

Sorry you're dealing with rude guests. Hope things are looking up for you soon!

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

Well that is crappy! We sort of have the same restrictions, not necessarily due to money, but due to the fact that we don't want kids running around unattended (parents who are drinking may not be as attentive and I do NOT want to stress about your kid drowning in the pond at our reception) and I feel like people who aren't serious with anyone should not expect to bring a guest. I am sending out invites within the next 2 weeks and now I'm wondering if I'll have to deal with this same issue. I'm sorry you're going through this though!

I do think it's your fiance's job to let the uninvited guests know. You did your part with your family and now he needs to do his part!

 

[gem_anemone]

Now that you guys are mentioning it, I think the biggest problem I'm having with this is that if these were my guests I would deal with them myself, but I have no idea who some of them are. My fiance and his mother have talked to some of them, but like I said they responded negatively or not at all.

I also did not like the idea of having children around drunk people. I have relatives who do not watch their children when sober, so I decided there was no way I was going to risk having them around when everyone was drinking. At my graduation party there were a bunch of kids that were children of people my parents invited. At one point after a couple cocktails in me I got hit (really hard) with something they were throwing around the room and I kind of yelled at them. I was embarrassed after the fact because it wasn't really my place to say anything, but I was my party and their parents were just knocking them back and leaving the kids to their own menacing devices. I really didn't want myself in that situation again at my own wedding especially when I'm the one footing the bill!

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

I have a few cousins with children who just tend to run amok. They are the main reason we don't want ANY kids there. There is a pond and I don't want to be fretting about worrying if the kids have gotten into anything or if they have drowned themselves in the pond since their parents didn't pay them enough attention. We are allowing the wedding to party to bring their children (since they are responsible people), but most of then said heck no to that and want a night off. I don't blame you for being frustrated though. I would have been pissed! It's rude and presumptuous. I think we're going to have a card in the invite saying 'we've saved ___ places for you"

 

[Phdecorate]

I agree it is very rude to just assume it is ok to bring extras. Very presumptuous. Your fiancé should deal with it if they are on his side. It is unfortunate, but true, that some people just can't be accommodated within your budget. No further explanation needed! Good luck!

 

[mogster]

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. I just sent out my invitations and hope nothing like this comes up. I would be firm about it with FI and FMIL and put the responsibility on them to communicate with their guests. X-number of spaces will be allocated and if guests show up with extra people, they won't be accommodated. I'm sure that'll be embarrassing enough for them to want to deal with now rather than later.

 

[Karen Gannon]

We haven't sent out invites yet but I am stunned how many people are assuming they are invited (haven't seen them in years but that is what FB will do for you), assume that their children will be invited, ASK if other family members will be invited. Like you, we are having a small wedding but it is on the water. The children who are invited are limited to those in the wedding or ones we are exceptionally close to. It will be interesting but I say rudeness knows no boundaries in this day and age.

 

[PintoBean]

Is the reception being held close to your home, or a family member's home? Is there a hotel nearby? Perhaps you can put all the rugrats in a designated "romper room", leverage the presence of teenaged family members as babysitters, and rotate them every hour or so.

For my wedding reception, there is a big bridal suite on the 2nd floor of the venue. I have already told the guests who are coming long distance and toting a baby that they can have the suite, and have also let our mothers know that any kids that do end up coming, despite the "adult reception" have free reign of the bridal suite (post ceremony and getting ready pics), and we will be sure to have crafts and toys in the suite.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

We haven't sent out invites yet but I am stunned how many people are assuming they are invited (haven't seen them in years but that is what FB will do for you), assume that their children will be invited, ASK if other family members will be invited. Like you, we are having a small wedding but it is on the water. The children who are invited are limited to those in the wedding or ones we are exceptionally close to. It will be interesting but I say rudeness knows no boundaries in this day and age.

I've had to deal with this also! It's crazy that people who I don't speak with everyday (or even within the last few months/years) think they're automatically invited. I had to tell several people that we're not inviting anyone we haven't seen/went out with in the last year or anyone who has not met FI or his friends who haven't met me. How close can you be if they've never met your significant other?! It's pretty ridiculous. I kind of hope people feel embarrassed more than hurt when I tell them that no, they're actually NOT invited. If you have to ask, you're probably not getting an invite.

 

[gem_anemone]

I have been really careful about not posting things on FB about the wedding for fear of people self-inviting themselves. I made a facebook "group" so only people who are invited to the wedding can see certain statuses when I wished to convey wedding related information. However, at 50 days left to the wedding I wrote "50 days!!!" on my fiance's wall. I figured it was relatively harmless. Well like 5 or 10 minutes later someone who is not invited to the wedding, but is mutual friends with both of us put up a passive aggressive status that said something like "Facebook is great for seeing all the birthday parties, concerts and wedding you're not invited to". Honestly I don't know if she was referring to my wedding, but it really made me wonder. I'm not close to her at all. I've invited her to parties a couple of times, but in all fairness she's never invited me to anything. I don't even have her phone number. Why would I invite her to my wedding? Then another girl who is not invited to the wedding "liked" it.

Regardless of all this RSVP nonsense, the wedding is in just about 3 weeks. We are not changing our stance on the children, however it seems as though at this point my fiance just wants to let people who added in teenagers and dates let them come, which is annoying because we have already told some people no and now we're seemingly going to allow it now. I guess he just doesn't want to deal with it. It will definitely make us go over budget, but we agreed to pay off the overage together, so I guess I'll just do what he wants.

ETA: Honestly, if I had to do this all over again I would write "Adult Reception Only" and "___ / X no. people invited" on the invites, so in theory they would be less likely to write in extra people who were not invited...

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

I have a ton of people 'like' my wedding statuses, but thankfully most of them haven't tried to push themselves onto our invite list. Think about it this way, everyone knows how fabulous your wedding is going to be, so they're clamoring for their spot!!

Honestly though, I would be pretty pissed if I told my side of the family no kids or dates and then his family brought kids and date. Just saying. Our families need to feel equally slighted

 

[gem_anemone]

Honestly though, I would be pretty pissed if I told my side of the family no kids or dates and then his family brought kids and date. Just saying. Our families need to feel equally slighted

Hahahaha!!! No worries. There will be NO little kids (I'm not backing down on that one! ), but probably will be some teenagers on his side that were not originally invited. I don't think anyone on my side would notice the difference. We finally got word that a second person who was trying to bring a date is okay with coming alone, so we're 1 for 2 on that one.

 

[mogster]

I just learned a tactful response to extra guests and distant friends or acquaintances wanting to know if they can come:

You're most certainly invited to the ceremony because we'd love for you to see us get married, but, unfortunately, because of budget constraints, we're unable to accommodate everyone we'd like for the reception.

 

[distracts]

I think we're going to have a card in the invite saying 'we've saved ___ places for you"

That's a good idea, I will keep that one in mind!

As to the children issue - we are having a designated activity room for the kids with a babysitter (or more than one, depending on the number of kids). But the space we are using has an area that would be great for that.

I am vengeful this way, but if I caved and let people who weren't invited come, I would NEVER invite those people to ANYTHING ever again. And if they had an event I was invited to, I would bring like twenty friends.

I also would not be okay with my fiance not dealing with it though. Inability to handle messes you created = WHOA STOP. Especially when it involves an extra outlay of money.

 

[gem_anemone]

If I were to do this all over again, not only would I add extra information to the invites like I posted above, I would also change the way I handled telling people they couldn't have extra guests. I don't think that people take very kindly to the "budget" restrictions excuse, even though that is the advice that people give most often to deal with this issue. I honestly believe if you give that excuse they think you're just being cheap and that you don't like them enough to give them a date. Or that you don't respect their relationship (of 2 months). For anyone who is reading this thread and may be trying to decide how to handle uninvited +1's my best advice is to tell them you didn't realize they were dating someone and because of that you didn't plan for them to have a date and that the table you have them sitting at is already full. Then make sure they are sitting at a full table at the reception.

I had a handful of people who didn't RSVP and waited for me to contact them asking for their response and then the popped the question to me "hey can my uninvited gf/bf (of 2 months) come too?" We ended up allowing for 6 uninvited guests but we said no way to the 8 year old kid. We are about 20 people in the head count over budget at this point. C'est la vie!

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

I'm having FI update our RSVP card to include the number of seats saved. I think that will he a HUGE thing for us. We're already having way more people than I thought we'd have (in my head I felt 150 was right where we'd be...after the Mom's were brought in on the guest list, we've risen close to 240..geez!) and only a select few people will be allowed to have a date. It's not even about the budget at this point, but the sheer amount of people that we'll be required to talk to! I want to spend time with those that matter to us, so the dates really aren't a priority to me. Especially if they're not dating people who are important to us. I'll be posting pics of the invites and the RSVP cards soon. We have the invites all printed out, but we're working on wording for the RSVP's. They should all be mailed out by Monday, at the latest.

 

[Haven]

I think it's Miss Manners (Judith Martin) who advises brides to tell invitees that they want to keep their reception intimate and so they invited only close friends and family. She goes on to say that you certainly don't have to define "intimate"--that can mean 250 people, or 50.

I like this approach, because it's nobody's business to dictate who is your close family and friend. So, it's hard to argue with it.

I wouldn't use the budget excuse because it's just uncomfortable to talk about money with people.

 

[aviastar]

I saw this in Carolyn Hax's Washington Post chat last Friday and thought of you! Sounds good to me!

Q.
"I don't want to leave my kid with strangers"
Hi Carolyn, The declaration "I don't want to leave my kid with strangers" makes my blood boil. It seems really combative and judgmental to me, and ignores the economic/geographic reality that many people HAVE to leave their kids with caretakers. Now that statement is being applied to my wedding by locals (!!) and the combination is making it really hard for me to be gracious when I tell people that I'm not able to accommodate their kids. Because, really, I want to say "Then don't come. Please. Do me the favor." I've been graciously dealing with this issue with our multitude of out-of-town guests for the last six months because I think their concerns -- kids with an unknown babysitter in a hotel room -- are really justified. But in-town people? Are you effing kidding me? I don't have a question, but maybe you and the 'nuts have some words of wisdom.
– July 06, 2012 11:32 AM Permalink
A.
Carolyn Hax :
I do agree that it's a loaded declaration, and a howler from locals. I also think that it's perfectly fine to give a sweetened up version of your "Then don't come" response: "Hey, if you're not comfortable coming without your children, then I understand completely, though we'll miss you."

– July 06, 2012 2:59 PM

 

[distracts]

We're already having way more people than I thought we'd have (in my head I felt 150 was right where we'd be...after the Mom's were brought in on the guest list, we've risen close to 240..geez!)

OH GOD MOMS. My mother for some reason thinks she is inviting basically every one of her acquaintances that has ever met me. I'm like H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEYSTICKS TO THE NO. We were planning around 200 guests, and our venue can only accommodate up to 300, and she called the other day to ask if we could change the venue (which we just reserved last week!) if we had more guests. How many people is she planning on inviting to this shindig?? I mean, okay. My parents are paying. My fiance and I were originally going to foot the bill for half, but sometime in the last two months my mother has been gripped by wedding mania, or something. We were going to do appetizers, she has insisted on a full dinner. I was going to DIY the decorations, she is insisting on a florist. She is trying to invite over 100 people to our engagement party that is being held in our house. We were planning on inviting our family, wedding party, and a few other extremely close friends. We were going to grill, and now she wants to get it catered. It's like, are you not the same woman who one year ago told me it was madness to spend over $1000 on a wedding?

But whatever, man, if they want to pay for it, they can have it.

Umm. Sorry about the vent.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

We're already having way more people than I thought we'd have (in my head I felt 150 was right where we'd be...after the Mom's were brought in on the guest list, we've risen close to 240..geez!)

OH GOD MOMS. My mother for some reason thinks she is inviting basically every one of her acquaintances that has ever met me. I'm like H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEYSTICKS TO THE NO. We were planning around 200 guests, and our venue can only accommodate up to 300, and she called the other day to ask if we could change the venue (which we just reserved last week!) if we had more guests. How many people is she planning on inviting to this shindig?? I mean, okay. My parents are paying. My fiance and I were originally going to foot the bill for half, but sometime in the last two months my mother has been gripped by wedding mania, or something. We were going to do appetizers, she has insisted on a full dinner. I was going to DIY the decorations, she is insisting on a florist. She is trying to invite over 100 people to our engagement party that is being held in our house. We were planning on inviting our family, wedding party, and a few other extremely close friends. We were going to grill, and now she wants to get it catered. It's like, are you not the same woman who one year ago told me it was madness to spend over $1000 on a wedding?

But whatever, man, if they want to pay for it, they can have it.

Umm. Sorry about the vent.

Ha! I felt this exact same way after seeing my guest list skyrocket. I justify it by the fact that both sets of parents are contributing a TON and that this is really a very proud moment for them. I did have to reign my Mom in a bit after she tried to invite almost every member of her church...which I do not attend lol

 

[pandabee]

I think everyone has made very good suggestions on how to handle uninvited guests...I am always shocked because my thinking is that these people who *are* invited to the wedding should theoretically be a close friend of the bride or groom to be, yes? So why are they thinking that they are not close enough to shoot a courtesy phone call or text if they do indeed need to clarify whether their bf or gf who the couple has not met will be invited to the wedding (regardless of whether the +1 was listed on the invite or not)? It seems like such a simple solution but unfortunately communication networks seem to be lacking on many aspects nowadays!!!

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

Our invites went out yesterday with a clear line saying 'we've reserved ___ seats for you'. I'm excited to hear back and see what everyone says. Very few people were offered a plus one (wedding party of course had this option, but maybe 5 others, max) since we have such a large wedding. I don't need 240 guest to raise up to 300.

 

[Haven]

I think everyone has made very good suggestions on how to handle uninvited guests...I am always shocked because my thinking is that these people who *are* invited to the wedding should theoretically be a close friend of the bride or groom to be, yes? So why are they thinking that they are not close enough to shoot a courtesy phone call or text if they do indeed need to clarify whether their bf or gf who the couple has not met will be invited to the wedding (regardless of whether the +1 was listed on the invite or not)? It seems like such a simple solution but unfortunately communication networks seem to be lacking on many aspects nowadays!!!

That's ideal!

My parents hosted our wedding, and my father insisted on inviting about 20 distant cousins and other people I didn't know well enough to recognize their names or faces. We had very few problems with people wanting to bring uninvited extras to our reception, but ALL of the people who did give us a hassle came from this distant relative pool. (One was a couple my parents' age who threw a fit that their 23-year-old daughter wasn't invited. I couldn't even tell you this couple's name, and I didn't even know they had a daughter. The wife told my father that since the daughter lived with them, they couldn't attend our wedding without her because it would be unfair. I think he just said, "Well, we'll miss you.")

In retrospect, I wish DH and I had stuck to our guns and hosted the wedding ourselves. That was our original plan, but my parents insisted mid-way through the planning, we relented, and that was when all hell broke loose. Even though it was definitely more their wedding than ours, I still had an amazing day because I married my husband. We decided early on that we would let them have their day, and we'll throw ourselves a killer 10-year anniversary party.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

Our invites didn't include our parents names on them (but did say something like 'together with our parents'). My Mom told me several times that they didn't look like wedding invites and that most of her people wouldn't know who the wedding was for. To which I stated that if they didn't know our names, then they didn't need to be coming to our wedding anyway. Scheesh! I can appreciate that our parents are proud of us and want everyone to witness our wedding, but come on now! They should at least know our names for goodness sakes!

 

[Haven]

Our invites didn't include our parents names on them (but did say something like 'together with our parents'). My Mom told me several times that they didn't look like wedding invites and that most of her people wouldn't know who the wedding was for. To which I stated that if they didn't know our names, then they didn't need to be coming to our wedding anyway. Scheesh! I can appreciate that our parents are proud of us and want everyone to witness our wedding, but come on now! They should at least know our names for goodness sakes!

No kidding! That's pretty crazy, to be invited to a wedding where you wouldn't recognize the bride's or the groom's name.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

Our invites didn't include our parents names on them (but did say something like 'together with our parents'). My Mom told me several times that they didn't look like wedding invites and that most of her people wouldn't know who the wedding was for. To which I stated that if they didn't know our names, then they didn't need to be coming to our wedding anyway. Scheesh! I can appreciate that our parents are proud of us and want everyone to witness our wedding, but come on now! They should at least know our names for goodness sakes!

No kidding! That's pretty crazy, to be invited to a wedding where you wouldn't recognize the bride's or the groom's name.

Lol...right?! We'll see how it goes. We met with the parents on Friday night and my Mom kept saying how the invites looked more for a party than a wedding and my MOH and future MIL kept saying how awesome and very 'us' they were. Mom also kept saying again about how she didn't think her people would knows who we are. Oh well! If I don't know them, I don't really mind if they're missing lol

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Liking someone's excited wedding post on facebook does not necessarily equal needling for an invite. While I certainly experienced the subtle hints and bold declarations of people wanting to come to our wedding (who had not been invited), I also received well wishes from many non-guests who were just genuinely happy for us. I think unless a person has given you other evidence that they are trying to manipulate an invitation, "liking" on facebook is about the most harmless, effortless way of wishing someone well. Would you prefer that anyone not invited to your wedding pretend like you are not getting married and ignore your public declarations on facebook? I live in Asia, on the other side of the world from all my friends, and often "like" my facebook friends' posts about weddings, birthdays, etc. even though I am not invited to any of it. I don't do it because I'm ticked I wasn't invited. I do it because I figure they must derive some sort of joy out of sharing their happiness with the facebook world and knowing that other people are happy for them.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

PS - my mother-in-law wanted to invite the man who had sold my husband his car because he was nice and she knew his wife socially. lol. Luckily, she is a very reasonable and sweet woman and came to her own conclusion that they didn't need to be invited once I showed her the guest list broken down by numbers of family and friends of the bride, groom, and parents.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

I've gotten a ton of 'likes' on my wedding statuses on fb. I've also gotten the 'I hope I'm invited' and 'do you need my address' from people who definitely weren't invited. I feel like if you have to ask, you're not getting an invite.

In less than 2 weeks, I've gotten 109 Yes rsvp's and only 7 No rsvp's..craziness!