Reluctant LIW

[galeteia]

Well ladies, I think I need some more PS perspective.

I''ve feeling a little like ''the guy'' in a LIW relationship lately. I love FF and I know that I will be happy living with him, but I can''t stop thinking about all the things I''m giving up. Moving away from my country and home and family and everyone I''ve ever known to live in a place reviled by everyone I''ve talked to about it, to be stuck in a wasteland for four years before I can get back to ''my life'' and plans.

And I''m not one of those people who was pro-marriage and on the lookout for Mr. Right. I like being single. I''ve always imagined being single and happily fufilled by my career for the rest of my life. I never thought I would be in a relationship of any permanence, because I just didn''t have that as a life goal, and to be honest, thought it was a bit of myth that things ''work out'' between people. Every reference to bad marriages (a friend of mine is trapped in a bad marriage but can''t leave because of the kids and lack of financial or any other support) spooks me and I wonder at the madness of trying to make marriages work.

I love having my own apartment (in this case I share an apt with a good friend, but it''s a nice apartment and we have our space) and sleeping in my own bed. By myself. I love having the freedom to rule my own life, make my decisions with only my best interests in mind.

I like my freedom to eat at a sushi restaurant for all-you-can-eat excellent quality sushi (sashimi included!) for $25 including taxes and tip. (Cdn!) I like that I live in a culturally, lingustically, and ethnically diverse area and that I can go to one of the gay bars in town if I want to go dancing without having to deal with obnoxious people.

And I suddenly sympathize with the men who protest that to them, proposing is the same as getting married, because you''ve made that decision, period. I love FF and want to cohabitate with him, and would be happy being with only him for the rest of my life, but I resent that I am being forced onto the conveyor belt that will inevitably end up in marriage. I can tell myself that the ''paperwork marriage'' is just a technicality and the ''ceremonial exchange of rings and vows and marriage dealie'' will be the REAL marriage, but the fact is, that paper will be the first step onto the conveyor belt.

It''s starting to strain my relationship with FF a little, because I structure my work schedule around my sleep patterns, so I''m either asleep, at work, or relaxing after work when he wants to talk. When I am finally in the mood to talk, he''s asleep. And with the looming prospect of my single days being over for good, I find myself clinging to my freedom. I will have an appendage for the rest of my life after this. I will not be a ''me'' I will be a ''we'' and I''m not sure how I feel about that.

It would be so much easier if we could just be together, even live together, without getting married. It would give me the time I''d need to ready to step onto that coveyor belt. Instead I feel hustled onto it. I find myself praying that the immigration process will take a looooong time. I want a year of my life as it is. Maybe a year and a half. Or two. I don''t want to go down there yet, I don''t want to leave my life. It feels like going into exile.

I have a job I like that I''m good at. I''m making real money. I can finally buy the things I''ve always needed/wanted (woot! The first new winter coat in SEVEN YEARS) and I''m enjoying my life. Before I met FF, my life felt so stuck and grim... so many wonderful things have happened to me since I opened my heart to him. I don''t feel like we rushed into anything, because things just fell into place in a very eerie way, so much so that I''m feeling a shift in my spiritual beliefs. Everything came about naturally and inevitably, right down to the small details. He''s the only person I''ve ever fallen in love with, and I''m not exactly a dew-eyed innocent.

Maybe I would feel differently if I didn''t know how eager he is to marry me. If the shoe was on the other foot, I mean. I don''t question that I want to marry this man. I absolutely do. I know he is ''The One''. He fits me in a way that I just didn''t envision being possible. But I want to marry him eventually. I don''t want to be married right now. But it''s either get married, or essentially not see one another for five years. The immigration process forces us to make decisions a year or more in advance.

I''m feeling down about the whole thing, so I would appreciate your thoughts on this, ladies. Thanks in advance.

 

[allycat0303]

Galateia,

Hi. I''m feeling you. I really do. You are strong, you are independent (and liberal) marriage isn''t a big deal for you, and it''s not for me either. But a part of us WANTS to want the same things that everyone else does. And moving is really hard, especially when you don''t want to live where you are moving (we disagree about why,

) but bottom line, it''s not for you.) My ex''s sister did this. Moved to NY, gave up an amazing career, got married, and then moved back 1 year later SANS husband. Because it was too much and she was misreable. I think that it takes a certain type of person to be able to give up everything for 4 years (and nothing to do with how much you love your man etc., etc.) just whether or not you believe in that type of love, sacrifice, and how much you love your job.

*personally I wouldn''t be able to do it* I don''t think it means you two aren''t meant to be together, just that you are in *your place* right now this is what suits and works for you. So I suppose the question is, have you talked to him about moving here? Is it totally unfeasable? I believe he is doing a phD? Can he do a fellowship here? Run a project with a co-suppervisor here? Have you discussed that you feeled pushed into marriage? Maybe give you two a little more time to work this out? (student visa for Canada is alot easier/faster to get then permenent residency) I know that it must be hard working on a relationship when he is x,y, z miles away.

Anyways, keep us updated. You''ll work through it.

 

[Mandarine]

Hi Gala!..

Sorry you're feeling like this, but your little "Galateia" inside might be trying to tell you something. I've learned that sometimes we ignore that little voice inside and in the end we realize we should have listened to it.

I don't doubt that you love your BF, but my honest opnion is that you shouldn't come here...at least not permanently without being 100% sure that this is what you want.

From your posts I don't see that you are 100% sure...at least not right now. You seem to have a notion of what the US is like and I think you have some pre-set thoughts on how you will feel when you come here.

I eat sushi all you can eat for the same price or sometimes even less...great quality too!. I go to gay bars all the time because my best friend is gay and it's a blast. Why do you think you will be giving things such as these if you come here?

My opinion....you're looking for the 5th leg in the cat (ok, that's an expression in Spanish and it might not make sense)...but you're looking for reasons-excuses of extra things that make you not want to come here.

I don't think it's fair to your BF because you will resent him in the end. You will find that everything about this place bothers you (because I don't think you are coming with an open mind) and will resent him for "making" you come here.

How about you come for a couple of months? could you take a sabatical from work or something similar?. I'm not sure where your BF lives, but there are many "melting pot" cities in the US....all of them filled with wonderful people with open minds and very diverse. You would be surprised if you just put your pre-judgments on the side for a second and come to one of these cities with a truly open mind.

The bottom line is, I just don't think it is fair to put this on your BF. Yes, you probably feel like you are making the decision on your own and think you would never blame him....but is that the truth? if things don't work out between you two are you going to regret leaving "your life" to come here? would you resent him for it?

Just my .02......not trying to be rude, just as honest as I can.

M~

Edited: spelling errors

and just tried to clarify some of my sentences (that didn't make sense after reading them twice!

)

 

[janinegirly]

can i have a few more details..where do you live and where does your bf live (where i assume you''d have to move to)?
this is a tough one and i don''t think it''s necessarily b/c you''re the "guy" in the relationship. I think you just are independent and settled in your current life and will be quite miserable if you just marry and follow your bf. You need to put some real thought into this and talk to him. Is there some way to compromise? Do you really think more time is what you need? In 2 more years you''ll be even more settled into your routine and wherever he lives isn''t going to seem any more appealing.

 

[oshinbreez]

I''m sorry your feeling like this. I really don''t know what to say. Your last paragraph pretty much sums it up. You have to decide for yourself if you''d rather marry him now or wait 5 years.

 

[onedrop]

This is not advice, because I am just not good at giving it. It is just a snapshot of my life just to give a different take. Three or four years ago I would have described myself much the same way that you have described yourself. Independent, comfortable being single, the whole nine yards. And after living on my own for so many years I NEVER thought I''d be married. Honestly I was and have been preparing for life as a single woman. At that time, even if I''d met someone, I really wasn''t ready to give up my freedom for the constraints of marriage.

I am not saying that you will change in time or that you even have to change. However in my experience I found that I changed. Especially after I met my S.O. He did not make me change, but the way I felt when I was with him brought about a change. I realized on my own that although i had most of what I wanted, I did not have someone to walk down life''s path with (sorry for the cheesy line but that about sums it up). Slowly though, I became ready to share my life with him and adjust to the fact that there would be someone else I''d have to consider for the rest of my life. It wasn''t and hasn''t been easy, but luckily he understands me because he is coming from the same side of the street that I was.

I know a little about your situation, and from what I know it is very similar to mine. You are in an int''l LD relationship and in order for you two to be together it means that you will have to get married. Which is a proposition that you don''t want right now, if ever. If you are having these feelings of not wanting to be married then yeah, it''s going to put a strain on your relationship because you are fighting against what the government seems to be pressuring you to do. And I think you probably also feel a little pissed off because a government (not even your own) is telling you how to proceed in your relationship. Believe me I have been there.

To me it''s clear that if you have not fully committed to the fact that marriage will be something you have to do if you want to be with your FF now, and leaving your comfort zone is something you have to do, you will make both of your lives miserable. And honestly it is not fair to put your man through that. In a situation like you are in, it is vitally important to be on the same page.

I am facing pretty much the same situation you are except that my S.O. is doing the moving. But we did not make this decision until we were both ready to face the consequences. I had a MAJOR freak out about the *permanency* of it all and almost ended the relationship. I just felt I was not ready. Luckily he was very patient and even told me to just chill out and leave things alone for a while to get some perspective. And when I came out on the other end of the break...I realized that I was ready.

ALL that to say, please, for the sake of your relationship and your own sanity and your inner peace, just take some quiet time to really think about what you want. The process of getting married and going through all you have to do to become a permanent resident here, is going to be stressful enough. Carrying feelings of resentment into an already stressful situation is not going to make it any easier. And try to consider your man''s feelings as well. You both deserve to go into thing wholeheartedly.

Hopefully this was coherent...sometimes I have problems getting my point across. REALLY the above, is just my two cents. But I really wanted to post because I can totally empathize because were are in a similar situation. And I hope that I can help you through it, if only to be a sympathetic ear.

 

[ephemery1]

It''s funny, when I read Gala''s post the first time, I read it as "I''m not 100% certain I want to be married/engaged at this point in my life." Then I read Mandarine''s response, and picked up on the cultural piece as well. So first things first... Gala, could you clarify if it is more of the marriage thing or the moving to the US thing that is throwing you off right now? Or is it really just a 50/50 combination of both?

I think there is SO much to be said here... #1, you''re listening to your heart about this stuff and that''s important. I''m a huge fan of asking questions when something doesn''t feel right... gathering all the information you can before making a life-altering decision. And it sounds like that''s what you''re doing!

So my hypotheses:

1) You''re freaking out at the annoying immigration thing that is requiring you to do everything out of order (moving, getting married, etc) and partially taking that out on the country of America. The evil country that you don''t like is FORCING you into making decisions too soon... that kind of thing. You don''t want to blame your boyfriend, so you blame the other major variable instead.

2) You''re a little resentful that you''re the girl, moving totally out of your comfort zone, for the guy. It''s reversing all the gender-equality you believe in. Here you are, leaving your friends, your family, your COUNTRY... and what is he sacrificing? Even if your relationship is totally 100% equal in every other way, there are always going to be certain parts that are unfair.... and it can be really hard to accept that in your own heart.

I''ve got a few more, but I''m running to lunch right now!

 

[anchor31]

That kind of decision is difficult to make. Some people can leave their family, friends and country behind to be with someone, but some people can''t. The important thing is if you can or not. It''s hard to really know until you''ve tried it, though, but since you''re having so much doubts and feel reluctant, I''m not sure doing this right now would make you happy. I think I can understand how you feel, at least a little. I love my family, I love my friends, I love my home and I love my country. I''m not sure I''d want to move to the US either, for the one and only reason that I love Canada too much to want to leave for a very long time.

I noticed that it seems like the only one in your situation making a sacrifice is you. And you are definitely making BIG ones. I suspect that, even if you don''t mention it, you feel that this isn''t fair. You have to make a huge decision and give up so much, and you have to make this decision very quickly! No wonder you''re scared and unsure...

Before ending up saying exactly what ally said, I''ll just say that I agree with her on the student visa being much easier and less permanent and bonding than immigration. Have you discussed this at all? What would he be ready to do for you? I am very aware that the possibility of moving out West or in the States for a few years once J and I are married exists because of his job, but it is also a possibility that he will have to follow me for my job too one day. It can''t just be an unilateral thing...

Make sure all the possibilities are considered and talked through... Don''t do something you''re not ready for just because it has to be decided now, it would only lead to a lot of resentment.

 

[Larissa]

I''m aware that I have a vastly different perspective from anyone else on these boards so I don''t know if you want to talk to me...

I''ve never been pro-marriage, waiting for Mr. Right either...and I moved from the US to another country. To say that I gave up a lot would be an understatement. My job, my flat, my family, my friends. And I can''t even get kraft mac & cheese or pickle spears easily over here!!

If you ever want to talk about the fears of moving, the huge adjustments, or whatever, I''m up for it. If not, that''s cool too...I openly acknowledge how different my opinions and views are as compared to most people here.

 

[Larissa]

Oh yeah, forgot to write, the seperation between marriage and moving isn''t an easy one. When I struggle even now I pick the easiest one to blame.

I had to get married in order to move and move in order to get married. They aren''t seperate at all for our relationship. Immigration makes that much clear quite quickly.

 

[Mandarine]

I don't think this is about facing how hard moving could be. This is about why you do it, in what mind frame and if you are not ok with it right now I say "hold up".

I moved away. I moved to the US when I was 17...didn't know the language, left everything I knew, I didn't know ANYONE here (let alone anyone that lived in the tiny town I moved to and lived for 6 years). I was used to a big city, huge family around me, big Sundays the European way...with naps and all!. It wasn't easy, but it was my decision...and for good or worse I couldn't resent the move on anyone.

I wouldn't change a thing though. It's made me who I am today....and I came with an open mind and found that it only made me more diverse than I already was. I learned to appreciate other things while always feeling proud of my heritage and who I am. You don't give one thing up for the other, you just grow to appreciate and learn new things while having your own "twist" to life.

I just don't think you would be coming into this and committing into this with the right mind set. It seems like you feel there is no other way out and I just disagree. Marriage is a huge decision and it shouldn't be the first option just because it makes things easier or more convenient. Sure, you would become an "instant" resident. But you don't have to. You could get a student visa, come temporarily, get a work visa and then have your job sponsor you with a green card...there are just many other ways to be here without feeling like you *have* to get married in order to be with him.

It's just not fair to put that on him, IMHO.

Good luck!

M~

 

[janinegirly]

not meaning to offend anyone, but geesh, canada to the US isn''t exactly a huge move. Reading the original post I thought she was being asked to move from the US to Beirut! Ok, an exaggeration. I mean obviously we have sushi here in every possible form (i live in NYC) so there is no limitation in variety, oppotunity, convenience--people literally die to come here and experience those very things. But this is all obvious. I think this is more about you being very set in your life and happy about it and not excited about changing it just to be married,etc. That''s legit, and would exist if the move was to a couple towns over. So figure out if there''s a way to compromise and if not, if you''re willing to sacrifice some comfort and independence (not everything, you can still be married and be v. independent) to be with this man permanently on more of a day-day basis. For me, I''ve lived in many different countries so maybe I underestimate the significance. And everyone is different. I know if my man was being transferred to Asia or some other civilized but farflung country, I''d be there in a second. Where I''m living is not too significant as is my deisre to be with him. I am very adaptable but at the same time, highly independent (been on my own for 15 yrs before I met my bf).

 

[onedrop]

janinegirly: I was thinking the same as you. At this point, I wish i had a US-Canada relationship!! Not to minimize Galateia''s situation of course.

I do agree with what others have said here regarding exploring other options (i.e., student visa, H-1). Someone touched on this, but what is your FF doing to make this transition a little easier for you? I mean is there reassurance that he will support you, especially when you miss home, and all that you left there? And is there a far-ranging plan as far as you being able to return to Canada as necessary, like for important holidays or events in the family?

All I can say is I hope you make the decision that is best for you and come to peace with it. And if I can be of assistance do ask!

 

[Mandarine]

huge or not, it''s a move....and a move it''s a move (whether it''s from one town to the other or across to another continent. I think it''s not the "size" of the move what matters but your mindset, openness and reasons behind moving.

Someone mentioned something about the line between moving and marriage...and I''m not sure what exactly was menat but this is what I was referring to. It''s not fair that everytime you have an argument or if things don''t work out you come out with the "I''m the one that moved all the way here!!!!". Yes you did, but nobody was putting a gun to your head to do so...so unless you''re 100% certain that this is what you wnat then you shouldn''t do it and you should probably find another solution that you do feel comfortable with...

M~

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Galateia,

Like others have said, I too hope that you are comfortable enough with your boyfriend to tell him your feelings and thoughts. Even within the same country, there are discussions to be had regarding where a couple will marry, etc. There are still times when Paul and I haggle over it, but ultimately, we''re trusting that we''ll be happy in Georgia, and if *we''re* not (meaning either one of us), we''ll work harder to make it work, or we''ll find another place where we''ll both be happy. I understand international moving is much different, but I think as long as the focus is both of you and your happiness, together, then things can work out well.

As for feeling like you''re giving up pieces of you: I have several married friends who do EVERYTHING together, and it''d make me nuts. I also have several married friends who do things together and with others, and alone. I think, again, finding that balance and just letting your guy know that you are independent and do want to continue to have *YOU* time is important. Most people get a little queasy at the thought of having to be with someone day in and day out, with no retreat time. Paul loves sporting events; I go to a few of them with him, he goes by himself from time to time, or with friends. I love crafty/artsy things; he works with me from time to time, goes with me to stores and shows, and other times I work alone, or with a friend.

My point is this: being married does not have to be the end of independence, the end of your interests, or the end of you pursuing what you enjoy. Some people think so, though. Ask him what he thinks about the amount of time you''ll spend together once married.

 

[galeteia]

Before I reply, I need to clarify that where I would be moving to is Lubbock, Texas. The 'second most conservative city in the US' and FF has already said that there is NO affordable sushi to be had. He's stuck there for 5 years for his PhD, and we've already discussed the likelihood of him being able to head up here for his fellowship (is that what it's called?). He isn't. From the nature of their research, he HAS to stay there for the full 5 years.

And believe me, please, that I have already looked into every other visa option, including legal advice. The marriage visa is my ONLY option.

--Back to reading--

(And I love you guys)

ETA: He just started, and he said it was 'miraculous' that he got an offer at all. Apparently it's nigh impossible to snag a PhD spot in his field, which is why he accepted it, even though he wasn't happy at all about being in Lubbock.

 

[Mandarine]

Hi Gala

Is there a reson why he has to go to school THERE specifically?. There are so many great schools around the US...sounds to me like he should also be trying to make some sacrifices.

Even staying in the Midwest you can find some liberal awesome little cities. I was just in Boulder, CO visiting my sister.....what a cool place to live!! and they had great sushi

...very liberal, all kinds of people and very laid back atmosphere.

I don't want to sound completely ignorant, but I just don't understand why you guys have to live there (no offense to any texans!). Maybe there is a happy middle ground were you too can feel like you're at a place where you feel comfortable.

If not then you might just have to suck it up....and you both can make a commitment that whenever he's done, you're out of there and will find a place that fits you both better.

Time really does fly and maybe knowing that after that time you two would be moving somewhere else might make it easier for you to feel certain that this is the right decision.

M~

 

[firebirdgold]

Lubbock?? Ick!

I remember one of my sister's grad school buddies taught there and was miserable. I sure as heck wouldn't want to move there! What a massive culture shock for you!
I hear you about the sushi! I've already told my fi that I'll never move to a place with less than two sushi restaurants!


ETA: It sounds like he just started grad school. Is there no way for him to find another program? And if his field is so narrow that there's only one place he can study, then prepare for a life of having no say on your location 'cause there'll probably be a limited number of places he can work at afterwards. Is he at least acknowledging that this would be a huge sacrifice and adjustment on your part? I know a woman who followed her husband to a research center/university somewhere in Canada (blanking on name, really cold and kinda boring). Once she got there she was miserable and it put a real strain on the marriage. This is after more than 40 years of marriage too! I wouldn't want to start out like that.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Gee, sushi must be where it''s at, huh? I''ve never tried it, and I don''t know that I ever will be able to get down with it, but I''ve heard not all sushi is raw fish. Is that true?

I''m sorry to hit on this light subject in the middle of your serious thread, but I had to ask that.

The big culture shock for me, foodwise, was moving away from Slurpees. Every time I come back home, I have to have a Slurpee run. Yumm!

 

[poptart]

Galateia,

I am sorry to hear you are having so much trouble with this, and I agree with everyone that you definitely need to talk to your fiance about ALL of these fears and worries. I remember your other thread about how wary you were to move to the US in the first place, as it would be a complete and total cultural shock. But it doesn''t sound like your fiance is too thrilled to be staying five years in Texas, either. I know it''s not the exactly the same, but I had to move across the country to live with my husband, and neither of us like it here, but the most important thing for both of us is that we were together. So it''s not even a sacrifice because in the end, even though we both miss our families and friends terribly, we chose this and ultimately we are together. So we are happy. And there are always other options, like the student visa, as a few people mentioned. Five years is a long time, but it''s not forever.

Also, marriage doesn''t have to be the end of independence. You can still spend time with your husband and friends that we all know you will make in your new home (if you decide to move), but not feel suffocated. It''s not like you have to spend the entire time staring at each other and talking exclusively to one another (heaven knows how boring that would eventually get). I think that most of your fear stems from the fact that you have been long distance for such a long period of time, and now that you are going to be completely committed and seeing this person every day that you haven''t seen every day of your life it is kind of scary. And that is completely understandable. Just remember there are always other options and answers to confusing situation. Best of wishes!

Marisa

 

[poptart]

Date: 10/20/2006 8:18:31 PM
Author: fisherofmengirly
Gee, sushi must be where it''s at, huh? I''ve never tried it, and I don''t know that I ever will be able to get down with it, but I''ve heard not all sushi is raw fish. Is that true?

I''m sorry to hit on this light subject in the middle of your serious thread, but I had to ask that.

The big culture shock for me, foodwise, was moving away from Slurpees. Every time I come back home, I have to have a Slurpee run. Yumm!

NO SLURPEES?!?! I don''t understand.... how is this allowed????

I miss snow cones... apparently they have a vendetta against them out here, even with 100% humidity in the summer. Makes no sense!

 

[galeteia]

Ok, back to the reply.

First off Ally, thank you so much for the empathy; having someone say "I know how you feel" really does help. I worry that I will infact end up like your ex's sister, because as TG said 'sometimes love really isn't enough' and I have to say I agree. I think it's depressingly telling to admit that I would be just as happy single as I would be married. If our relationship fails, it's not because I don't love him enough, but that if I give up too much of myself and I start to die inside, I will leave. I had a harsh lesson about independence early in my romantic life and I'm not willing to give up on myself for 'the marriage' when I'm not even interested in it for it's own sake. It does 'take a certain kind of person', and I'm pretty certain I'm not one of those people.

He would move here in a heartbeat if he could, and we will when he is done school, so I can get back on track with going to school in Montreal. But like I said in the quick update, he is moored there for five years, no budging. And I refuse to ask him to give up his career and quit his PhD because I don't want to live in Lubbock.

Mandarine, I hope the details of the situation clear up what I meant about 'wasteland' (a little harsh, but you should HEAR the scary stories from people I've met who have been there!) I may have some issues with conservative US states (and Lubbock is apparently the WHOPPER) but I think I would fit in just fine in some of the 'melting pot' cities you mentioned. I would be keen on living in one of the 'liberal' cities, and it would feel more like an adventure and less like an exile to the end of the earth. But with more dust. The US is a big place. Unfortunately, I'm not going to anywhere interesting. I'll get to see tumbleweed, but I think the novelty will pass quickly.

I doubt I would throw "I moved here for you" at him, but I mind find myself saying "I barely refrained from beating the bejezus out of one of your bigoted freaks down here! How can you live in this hellhole?!" And I'm a little worried about that. Calm, I ain't. Ok, I am really worried.

Janine, ditto on the details. I am independent but I'm not all that 'settled' in my life, nor am I stubbornly attatched to where I am (I've moved around a lot, and am fairly adaptable) but I am freaked about getting married, frankly. I'm not ready. But every choice I make now will come to roost in a year or two. It makes it tricky, no?

Oshin; thank you-- there really are sometimes where there just isn't a tidy way out... And it's ultimately a decision I have to make, but to be honest I'm not sure what that decision even is.

And onedrop, it certainly puts a whole different spin and pressure on things when it's an international relationship. Most people, even long-distance relationships, don't have to 'put the cart before the horse' almost right away. Your hand is forced, and you don't get to have the evolution of a relationship like most people do. It's good to know that you had a 'freak out' too and got through it! I hadn't really noticed it, but after reading your post I realized that there is a part of me that says 'Wait a doggone minute here. YOU are the marriage-friendly one, why am I the one giving up everything?' but rationally I know that's the way it has to be.

Ephemery, your first reading was on the mark. It's not primarly about WHERE I am going, although I am unhappy about that, it's about not feeling ready to be engaged or married. But do I give up on this relationship (5 years of the whole of the US between us? With no visits? We can kiss 'us' goodbye) just because I'm not ready for the end result just yet?

Anchor: you're right about some people being able to just pack up and leave everyone behind. It's strange because I have been doing just that, *within* Canada, for most of my life! But somehow, Texas feels like it's a million miles away, not just 1000+. And a lot of the things I do love about my country are things that are the antethesis of Texan culture. We've been grappling with our 'options' since the get-go, even to the point of getting legal advice. It's this or nothing. Whether it's a Fiance visa or a Spousal visa may yet be determined, but it has to be on a 'marriage' premise.

Larrisa, people are pretty opinionated on these boards, but I think just about everyone has a good heart. I've never noticed you being mean, so comment away! It's funny that you mention pickle spears; the only flavour of potato chips I can't resist are Dill Pickle. So many brands and options up here, and FF has been on the hunt in Lubbock... no dill pickle chips. It's the ends of the earth, I tell you!

And yes, the seperation and marriage is difficult, because it's impossible to have one without the other.

(Mandarine, I know people who went the student > work > resident route and 7 years later, they finally just married their boyfriend to get a green card. 7 years. Bleh. It would be so much easier if that was a viable option. I wish there was a 'cohabitation visa' like one of the Nordic countries has.)

Actually Janine, it IS a huge move. We aren't talking hopping the border here. This is a large distance both geographically AND culturally. I understand that you would 'follow your man', but would you do it while your relationship was still in it's infancy?

Onedrop, I'll be applying for Parole status when I get into the US, but if it doesn't go through I won't be able to leave the US to visit Canada for at least a year. And it's expensive to travel between Canada and Texas, and my mother is not rich.

Fisher, I can't imagine being one of those 'everything together' couples either! I would go crazy. When we were living together, we were very good at giving one another 'space' but somehow being 'married' makes me feel that we will still be shackled together in a metaphorical sense. Listen to me, I sound like a nut! 'Shackled'?! Oh dear. Anyway, we are one of those couples who like to 'do our own thing' in a companionable way; I read a book, he plays on the computer. I know logically that's what will happen again, but I still have irrational fears. Even though we come from different perspectives, I still very much believe in the permanence of marriage. A divorce is not an 'out', and if someone is considering they might end up divorced, should they even be getting married?

Indie I almost LIVE off sushi. I eat out, I make it at home. With all the health issues I have, it's one of the things I can actually *eat*. And thank you for the 'ick'; now people know I'm not just trying to pretend it's a grim place to live! ETA: Yes, he is painfully aware of how much he is asking of me. He's constantly asking if I'm sure he's 'worth it' and do I 'really love him enough' to go there.

Why am I not taking all this straight to FF? Well, have you seen that epsiode of the Simpsons where Bart's babysitter rips his heart out? Yeah. Not a good idea at this point. It's better than I sort myself out without making him bear the emotional brunt of it.

Fisher Sushi is actually the rice; it can have raw, smoked, or cooked fish/shellfish on it, as well as cooked egg, tofu, or veggie stuff. For example, as weird as this sounds, one of the most delicious is the cooked BBQ eel that is just heavenly. A friend of mine really loves the tempura shrimp (that's cooked) inside her sushi rolls.

 

[decodelighted]

Okay .. not to make light of the subject ... but I think you have a fabulous business idea here. Move to Lubbock. Open the first Sushi restraunt ... I bet you find all "your people" in the first week! It''s crazy but it just might work!

Anyway ... one more question .. if "his field" is so narrow that there''s only one place in the country he can get his PHD ... is this really a field he should be entering?

There are so many different parts to this decision I can see how it''s hard to get a foothold!

Listen ... *HUGS* ... I can''t figure out how to help you figure it out really! But I do hope things clear up soon somehow!

 

[galeteia]

Date: 10/20/2006 9:10:16 PM
Author: decodelighted
Okay .. not to make light of the subject ... but I think you have a fabulous business idea here. Move to Lubbock. Open the first Sushi restraunt ... I bet you find all ''your people'' in the first week! It''s crazy but it just might work!


Anyway ... one more question .. if ''his field'' is so narrow that there''s only one place in the country he can get his PHD ... is this really a field he should be entering?


There are so many different parts to this decision I can see how it''s hard to get a foothold!


Listen ... *HUGS* ... I can''t figure out how to help you figure it out really! But I do hope things clear up soon somehow!

Hehe. Alas, there are sushi restaurants there already. But you have to sign over your firstborn at the door before they''ll seat you.

Why, one might ask? Well, this sure shed some light for me: the local asian market has fresh produce on ONLY TWO DAYS OF THE WEEK (tuesday and friday) which spoke volumes on the ease of getting ''exotic'' fresh produce (like fresh fish) shipped in to Lubbock.

The question about how easily he can get a position is a good one, and the fact is, it will be easy. It''s one of those ''manage to get into a PhD and you''re golden'' situations. That''s one thing we aren''t worried about, at least. Whew! Can you imagine? *shudder*

 

[Mandarine]

hehe Deco...that was a good idea!

Gala, I still don''t understand why you can''t go for a work visa?...yes it might take a little time for to find a job that would sponsor you, but is not impossible.

I don''t think you''re a "Reluctant LIW" that sounds as if you''re confused or not sure about the whole marriage and from your last response it seems that is not the case. So if that''s the case then I don''t know what you''re reluctant about. If there are NOT other options out there (which I still don''t get) and you have already decided that this is what you want, then what are you confused about?...or are you just anxious/nervous about taking this step?

Whatever the case might be I still think you need to talk to you FF and re-visit any other options out there.

M~

 

[galeteia]

Date: 10/20/2006 9:26:35 PM
Author: Mandarine
hehe Deco...that was a good idea!


Gala, I still don't understand why you can't go for a work visa?...yes it might take a little time for to find a job that would sponsor you, but is not impossible.


I don't think you're a 'Reluctant LIW' that sounds as if you're confused or not sure about the whole marriage and from your last response it seems that is not the case. So if that's the case then I don't know what you're reluctant about. If there are NOT other options out there (which I still don't get) and you have already decided that this is what you want, then what are you confused about?...or are you just anxious/nervous about taking this step?


Whatever the case might be I still think you need to talk to you FF and re-visit any other options out there.


M~

Re: Work Visa.

In order to be eligible for a work visa, I must first have an employer who will file the petition for my visa for me. Unless I am a migrant seasonal farm hand, a musician touring, a competing athelete, or an actor under contract, my employer must prove that there is NO ONE in the US who can do the job they need ME to do. (I read the paperwork-- they are VERY clear on which categories one MUST fall under) I do not have any such skills. There is no 'general work visa'. In order to apply for a visa, one needs the application to be processed the April in advance of the year you want to be in the US. The 2007 applications that were filled this year in April hit maximum quota in about THREE WEEKS. Anyone wanting to get into the US on a work visa must prepare to file NEXT April in anticipation for year 2008. That's right. The first date anyone can be cleared to work in the US unless they have ALREADY got their visa is 2008. That's even if I was eligible for a work visa, but I am not. I checked this with a laywer. A snowball in hell has better chances than I do.

As for the school visa, I can't afford it. Period. I'm currently not eligible to get any more student aid at this time from my government, even if their loan maximum was enough to cover international student fees, and it's not.

I agree that this issue is being refocused away from being a 'reluctant LIW', and that's misleading.

I don't understand what isn't clear

-- I'm being 'shuffled' into a marriage when I'm not ready to be married. I have issue with this. I don't want to be married yet. I am reluctant to get married. I love the man, but I'm not sure I want to be a wife yet.

 

[Mandarine]

sorry...I misread your other post and didn't really understand the part were you felt "shuffled" into marriage

*sigh*...I can't think of any other options

I apply for the vista "lottery" each year (not sure if canadians are eligible)....but that seems harder than even getting a work visa!.

Regarding the work visa. I know the whole process around it, but believe me...there are loop holes that a saavy lawyer might show you. A friend of mine is a web-designer. Yep, he designed webpages.....they still sponsored him!...not only did the SHOW that nobody else could do what he did, but they were also able to get him a green card. Now, do I think nobody in the US could make web pages?...heck no. I know (and he does too) that millions do the same exact thing.

It's doable....it depends how bad the company wants you and how good your lawyer is. In most cases this works because you already have some sort of connection to a company or the company was formed specifically to get you a job here (a company can be only two people!)...there are options out there...

Maybe because I live in FL and I hear the craziest stories of how people got here...and what some lawyers are able to pull off!

Sorry you're going through this....

M~

 

[galeteia]

Ahh, I was a little confused about it not being clear how I was ''reluctant''. I did check into the Visa Lottery, and unfortunately Canadians aren''t eligible.

Even if I did secure a position, via a loophole, I still wouldn''t be getting in there until 2008, and obviously I''m limited to jobs in Lubbock if I want to be with FF. If I can''t be with him, what''s the point in going, you know what I mean?

I can''t think of any other options either. Hence, my fear of stepping onto the ''conveyor belt''... you aren''t at the end yet, but once you get on it, you''re committed. Eeek. Did I mention ''eek''? With a side of ''eek''?.

On another note, I haven''t even really gotten into any of this even with my mother or closest friends, because in a way, I feel like saying the things I''ve been saying on here would somehow make them more potent, and bring things to a head faster. If that makes any sense?

 

[Mandarine]

eek sounds about right....

I hate all these immigration rules. I''m all for controlling immigration, but cretain things just don''t make ANY sense!!!. I''ve been here for 12 years, know the language, have a good degree, pay taxes...I''m ''good'' for society yet ilegal immigrants get more ''help'' than I would to stay here. How crazy is that?

*sigh*.....

If I think of anything else I will let yo know

In the meantime just keep thinking that it''s *only* 5 years. Seems like a lot, but time flies...plus you''ll be with him. Maybe you guys can drive somewhere close on ocassions to get good sushi and get a good dance at a gay bar!

As much as I might seem like an impatient LIW (and I am! hehe), I''m really somewhat terrified of the whole marriage thing...so I can relate to why you feel like you''re in a conveyor belt (great way of putting it by the way!)...

Good luck

 

[mia15]

Hey Galateia,

What a situation. I understand where you''re coming from, since I never considered myself a top candidate for marriage either, always having been a perfectly happy single person.

I tried to think of some options and also looked up Lubbock. I don''t know which Canadian city you live in, but that''s some change. So what I''m wondering is, apart from the FF, what else is out there for you? What do you plan on doing there for five years? (Five years without sushi? Aaaaaaghhh...)

When it comes to relationships and marriage, people change. But when it comes to being the type of person who can live somewhere that doesn''t feel quite like home for a significant amount of time, well, the tradeoffs would have to be huge. And also, I don''t mean to be rude, but you sound fairly young and for this kind of situation to be in work, you''d have to be pretty well aware of your limitations and boundaries (not an age issue necessarily, but it comes to mind because I can''t imagine making that kind of decision in my 20s, say).

Eh, if you''re in love, seriously in love with your guy, then it could be worth it! If you can keep very, very busy, five years should go by pretty fast. Marriage issue apart, do you see yourself spending your entire life with him? If yes, that could put five years in perspective. If you''re hazy, that brings up the question, what do you want to accomplish in the next 5-10 years and does this move fit at all?

I wish you the best, girl. It must be so strange having to go through with a marriage to be with someone. And I though moving to LA was a sacrifice!