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Recovering from a Lay off.

Gypsy

Gypsy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 8, 2005
Messages
40,225
I was laid off earlier this year and was fortunate enough to find a new position and start working again last month.

But, man my head is just… I can’t help feeling like a failure. My confidence is shot, I’m nervous at work and I freak out about doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, and… ultimately being a weirdo as a result of my paranoia.

When you start a new job you can expect feedback to help you adjust level set your expectations with your employer. I know this. Intellectually. But emotionally I’m so insecure that every comment is a cut. And I feel like I’m a ‘death by a thousand cuts’ scenario.

My lay off wasn’t performance related, but still, it’s one thing to understand that in my head but my heart is still doubtful and wondering what “I” did wrong. It’s like children of a divorce, they didn’t cause it, but many of them feel like they did. And well, I’m a child a divorce, so I know how that feels. This feels very similar. I’m just waiting for another rejection.

Problem is I’m creating a self fulfilling prophecy situation.

Advice on how to stop this? (Therapy is imminent, I promise).
 
Hugs. That sounds like a difficult adjustment and I don't think you're paranoid. Being laid off is such an emotional hit on so many levels. I have not experienced that (yet) but watched my father deal with it several times when I was growing up. He had specialist skills, but his industry sector was in decline. He, like you, was good at his job, respected in his field and found it relatively easy to be hired again, but it took its toll, as it has on you. I do have some understanding, if not direct experience.

If it was me, I think I'd take some time outside of work to refresh my memory of a few workplace successes. An example of something I handled professionally / successfully / with some creativity or flair across a range of situations. More or less like you'd do for a job interview. When you hear yourself questioning your ability in a situation, treat it like an interview - think yourself through your previous success in a similar situation, maybe?

Also, dress really nicely. I always feel most competent at work when I'm wearing my nicest suit.

I don't know if this is any help or just annoying noise, but I'm thinking about you and hoping you can breathe, relax and enjoy being at work again.

Jen
 
Gypsy, DH is still dealing with this. The insecurity most especially. I'm not sure what to tell you other than that you have to try and believe in yourself and your abilities. You landed another job, which in this economy is an achievement in and of itself. Try to remember that. I'm lacking in eloquence today, but wanted to respond to let you know that what you're feeling is totally normal. HUGS!
 
what changed my attitude when i was feeling like you are now is going into an interview in silicon valley in 1989. i was upfront that i was job hunting because of a layoff from a central valley employer. he was equally clear that layoffs in silicon valley were a norm and that he himself had been laid off 3 times. i found comfort in the knowledge that it is a business practice that job performance has no effect upon.....and that i was not alone in having been laid off. his attitude was that it was bound to happen at some point and that i'd worked all the years i had without it happening was really just luck. don't know if this helps or not. i know economic times are different now....but i still view layoffs as a business practice to enhance profits rather than an employee performance indicator.

MoZo
 
Well, as someone who has survived more than one layoff, a few really emotional breakups, a divorce, and the death of a parent, all I can say is don't focus on the feelings. (Been there, done that, ad nauseum) You've said you know in your head that the layoff was not performance related, so the issue is that you're giving attention to irrational feelings. They're there, they well up from somewhere and you'll feel them, but you'll also find that you can function through them. When you realize that you can FEEL something, and not have those feelings control and determine you, you can move away from them.

Understanding WHY you feel as you do is great, and probably necessary, but at some point you really must just stop giving those feelings too much attention, because attention feeds them. Feelings are JUST feelings, nothing more. They are not WHO you are, and they are not actions, which are much more important. Do the same work you would do if feelings weren't in the way. When those feelings well up, say to yourself "CANCEL", and direct your attention to something else. You'll probably have to do it a zillion times, but it will become easier, and pretty soon you can actually observe yourself feeling this stuff without it controlling you. And one day the feelings themselves will subside.

This may sound ridiculously airy-fairy and unworkable, but it's not. And once acquired, it's an invaluable skill for the knocks of life. Admittedly, it took me years to figure it out - mainly from getting bone-tired of doing exactly what you're doing now - but it helps to get over things from work crap to marital spats. You still feel stuff, trust me, but you're also able to not fixate and reach equilibrium much more quickly after a blow.

And I really DO know how devastating a layoff can be. I felt gutshot for a long time afterwards too, and like you I found a job very quickly, but still felt that way for a bit even then. It DOES go away eventually.
 
Gypsy, if you have a good relationship with your supervisor, would you consider talking to her/him about this? Basically telling him/her that your self-confidence has suffered a hit due to the layoff and solicit his/her feedback about your performance. Maybe he/she would give you a special project or two that would help boost your confidence or work with you in other ways to help you feel better.
 
I don't know what to say other than that I am in an extremely similar situation. I left my last job because of a horrible boss who actually did tell me I was a screw up, though everyone else at the company told me I was doing a great job - in my heart I believe I did a great job, especially at the level I was hired at (it's not like they had me working at a high level I couldn't achieve - I was still in the right-out-of-college level and clearly performing far above any recent grad). Anyway, that's far too much info, but after that horrible experience with my last boss I've been pretty gunshy with my current boss. Like you said, all feedback can feel like a cutting remark, especially coming from management.

I wish I had better advice, but nothing has worked for me other than positive thinking (when I think negatively, I try to redirect the thoughts and be more rational) and taking time. I've been here for 2.5 months now and the feelings have reduced significantly already. Unfortunately, my boss just announced that he's quitting, so I'm going to have to get used to a new boss soon, but I feel like I'm gradually healing and recovering from the paranoia and stress I was under at the last job and my confidence is coming back.
 
Start every day at work with the mantra "I belong here. I deserve to work here." When the negative thoughts start, you have to catch yourself and say "Nope, not thinking about this now, I have better things to focus on." Layoffs are just the reality for most people at this moment in time. I can name at least 10 friends off the top of my head who were laid off in the last 2 years or can't find full time work after graduate school. Everyone is slowly recovering, it just takes a little effort to rebuild confidence.
 
Well, I've been unemployed for over 2 years, so you can image the hit my self-esteem has taken.

I just want to wish you well in your new endeavor.
 
Oh Gypsy - PPs have given some great insight, so I'll just send you a big ::HUG!::
 
I have been through it twice, one job I just loved, the other one not so much, but I was was suprised at the emotion that you feel, it seriously took me a long time to get over feelings of despair, getting layed off sucks, doesnt matter why it just does. Just take it a day at a time, you will get over it, it just takes time.
 
It's been a bad day so far (going to stop thinking for the night, so hopefully it will improve) and your posts made me feel much better just by validating the feelings I'm having and letting me know I'm not alone. And many of you also gave me food for thought on how to proceed. Thank you all.

I'm sorry you are in your situation Amber, thank you so much for the well wishes. I hope you find something soon ((HUGS)). Elrowhen, thank you for sharing your experience and letting me know that the light is there,and gecko ((HUGS)) to your DH.
 
This is tough....

I was long term laid off in 1990 - and it took me 3 years before I realized that I had lost my chosen carear... (that was the low point)...

In those years I worked several temp jobs - and I started on commission only direct sales to improve my ability to relate to people (which was hard to do - and I don't think I made a sale by myself for something like 6 months).

Gypsy: You can pull through this... Find one thing you do well first thing in the morning (even if its just getting a cup of coffee). Congradualte yourself on doing that well... each day. Then move onto another task a bit later in the day. Build a routine and start realizing what you do well each day. Just keep building during the day. In a few months you'll be complimenting yourself on going home well.... :appl:

That's part of the process I went through.

You can do this.

Have a great day,

Perry
 
Gypsy said:
I was laid off earlier this year and was fortunate enough to find a new position and start working again last month.

But, man my head is just… I can’t help feeling like a failure. My confidence is shot, I’m nervous at work and I freak out about doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, and… ultimately being a weirdo as a result of my paranoia.

When you start a new job you can expect feedback to help you adjust level set your expectations with your employer. I know this. Intellectually. But emotionally I’m so insecure that every comment is a cut. And I feel like I’m a ‘death by a thousand cuts’ scenario.

My lay off wasn’t performance related, but still, it’s one thing to understand that in my head but my heart is still doubtful and wondering what “I” did wrong. It’s like children of a divorce, they didn’t cause it, but many of them feel like they did. And well, I’m a child a divorce, so I know how that feels. This feels very similar. I’m just waiting for another rejection.

Problem is I’m creating a self fulfilling prophecy situation.

Advice on how to stop this? (Therapy is imminent, I promise).
Click to expand...


My advice..... go back to College / University and get another (or first) degree.

My ex hubby had this problem. Got laid off, but the company said it was for performance related issues (it wasn't, he was great at what he did, they just didn't want to pay out on his service time)

Ex-Hubby had a MAJOR crisis as result, thought no-one would ever employ him again but eventually was persuaded to go to Uni and got his masters degree (and got it without having a Bachelors - apparently 15 years work experience is more than equivalent!)

Another 15 years later, he is now a Director of a major international company.

Sometimes what seems like a "failure" can actually be a SUCCESS!

Did you know that 90% of all CEO's were 'laid off" in a previous role, prior to them becoming CEO's?
 
Gypsy said:
Thanks so much for your words on encouragement Perry. I really appreciate it very much.
Click to expand...

You're welcome. Another thing that helps is to find someone who can be your cheerleader - and provide daily support - even if its just listening to a voicemail.

Like many things - its one step at a time. But keep it up and you'll be running again down the line.

Have a great day,

Perry
 
MAC-W said:
My ex hubby had this problem. Got laid off, but the company said it was for performance related issues (it wasn't, he was great at what he did, they just didn't want to pay out on his service time)

Ex-Hubby had a MAJOR crisis as result, thought no-one would ever employ him again but eventually was persuaded to go to Uni and got his masters degree (and got it without having a Bachelors - apparently 15 years work experience is more than equivalent!)

Another 15 years later, he is now a Director of a major international company.

Sometimes what seems like a "failure" can actually be a SUCCESS!

Did you know that 90% of all CEO's were 'laid off" in a previous role, prior to them becoming CEO's?
Click to expand...

Actually, there is a lot of truth to the fact that Success is built on "having problems" (It's not failure unless you give up).

The average successful business owner has 3 previous financial failures in businesses.

The average high performer worker had a period where they did not fit in somewhere.

The key is to learn the lessons on why things did not work - and try again. Falling forward is the way to go (and I've fallen forward several times in my life).

Have a great day,

Perry
 
Hi Mac, I'm actually appalling well educated. LOL. I have both a BA and a JD (law degree) from a prestigious universities here in the states and my work experience extremely solid and I've worked only at major global companies.

Despite the economy I was fortunate enough to get a decent number of interviews and land a job in 4 months. So... On paper I'm doing well.

Unfortunately, the job is a circus and my confidence is rocky. So... things are a little unsteady. I am interested in the Perth opportunities you posted about. Can you tell me where to find these postings?

Perry, a cheerleader. Well, right now I'm functioning as a couple of people's cheerleaders. The company is staffed with a lot of sheep and independant thought isn't encouraged. But I will try to be my own cheerleader and keep a log of things I do well in a spreadsheet so I can look at it when I get down.

((HUGS)) everyone.
 
I know exactly how you feel. I lost my job after my former company was bought out and we were all let go...it really killed me, though I am luckier than most that I wasn't bankrupted by it. But I did recently start a new job and I am ALWAYS scared that someone's going to walk up to me, armed guard no less, and tell me to get out. I don't really know how to fix that. But hopefully I can relax.
 
I am dealing with the same type of insecurity, even though I wasn't laid off. This is only my second job after college, and I really didn't like my first one. My first one wasn't really in exactly the area that my degree was designed for; it was related, but you could really do the job without the degree. Anyway, I didn't really enjoy that job. The work wasn't so bad, but it was tedious and made for a long day. The real problem was the fact that my supervisor was married to my boss. I hate to say that she wasn't qualified for her job, but I know that some things were done incorrectly, and also that she was very inconsistent. Since she could change her mind from day to day and case to case, I had no idea how to handle different situations. I was also stuck with the most difficult client that our company had, and I was given over 2x the number of cases that someone in my position should be able to handle.

I left that job, and have been at my new company for a month now. I really like this job better, but this one IS a job for people who have my degree. It makes me nervous and unsure of myself, because I don't know how to do a lot of things yet. I have been in training a lot, and I know that I can do this job - but also that I still have to ask some questions. I have learned so much over the past few weeks, and I have a pretty good idea about how to do my job, but I feel like some people are still looking down on me because of my lack of confidence in the beginning (since I had the educational background, but had never actually had any real training before).

In this economy, everyone is getting laid off, and it is so hard to find another job - because everyone is competing for them. My FF was actually laid off in August, and he is currently searching for another job. Luckily, he found a great temporary position with one of his previous employers (who is also a family friend), but it isn't exactly what he wants to do for a long period of time. Half of his company was actually laid off this year, and it was during the third round of cuts that he was laid off. I know that tons of people are going through that right now, and you really can't blame yourself. Times are tough.

Anyway, congratulations on finding your new job! I'm sure that you will truly do great. Just take it one day at a time, and try not to stress too much! :)
 
Having lived and worked in the BayArea my entire life...the first time you are laid off it is definitely mentally tough. It is hard not to take it personally. I think I went through my first corporate layoff at 21.

But after a few, you realize it's not always about you. Sometimes it is--I have seen lower performers go when it's time to make overall cuts. And sometimes it isn't, like when there is a large reorg and entire departments are cut or people who don't bring in revenue. But after you go through it a few times-- you just pick yourself up and move on. Unemployment is not that bad actually--and sometimes it's nice to have a mental break from it all.

I have also noticed kind of a difference in the perceptions from someone who is from this area vs others who have come here from elsewhere. Many who grew up here are kind of numb to the whole thing like 'ok what's next'...whereas people who have transplanted here from elsewhere have a more old-fashioned mentality to it and tend to take it a little harder.

Case in point--one of my good friends was laid off recently. She was already thinking of leaving and was ONLY upset that she hadn't left first before her job was eliminated (reorg). She's currently taking her time, interviewing and finding the right next step for herself. She's turned down multiple things as well. For her it will definitely be a good thing and she doesn't really seem bothered much by it. She was born and raised here. On the flip side a friend who transplanted here was laid off and he was from another state and his self-confidence definitely took a hit--despite having a masters and being a very smart guy. Anyhoo, just an interesting sidebar.

I tend to look at things like one door closes and another will open. Sometimes it's hard to see the forest through the trees in front of you but eventually the bigger picture becomes apparent. And I know many many people who have gone through layoffs over the years who went to better places and bigger and better things over time. I really can't think of anyone offhand which that has not happened to. Even people who can take a long time to find their next home usually rise back up eventually. If they're good at what they do, that is!

Oh the other thing to add, if someone has consulted or contracted I tend to think that there is more of a feeling of taking 'permanent' jobs less seriously. I have done both perm and a fair amt of contracts and I have an easy come, easy go kind of mentality at times.

Hopefully over time the feelings will dull a bit.
 
Gypsy, my SO was unemployed (through no fault of his own, and I mean this in both the legal and moral sense) for 18 months.
His old company then hired him back at the same title, salary, and benefits, in a different location (this was the catch). He was one of the over 4 million people in this country who have been unemployed long term, and he came 'this close' to be a 99er, and practically dropping off the ends of the earth. Unemployment is on the rise again in the last few months, and many companies refuse to hire the longterm unemployed. Count your blessings and be strong. I have a feeling you got the education you did, have the work history you do, and got this job because you are a strong person. Hugs.
 
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