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Reasons for divorce after 20 or 30 years?

Imdanny

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I've been wondering about this. What are some reasons why a couple might get divorced after 20 or 30 years? I've wanted to ask this question here and at a smaller forum where it seems to have happened a lot. I'll just ask it here because nobody will take it personally. I don't know anyone here who got divorced. This confuses me. Why wouldn't people stay together after they stayed together for such a long time? I know one couple who are getting divorced right at the time their last kid is leaving for college. Maybe it has to do with "life stages" or something? Don't get me wrong. I'm glad there are marriage laws to protect people in such situations and I don't judge people who get divorced. I just don't understand why someone would want to be alone or with a new partner after a long marriage. Any experiences anyone would like to share? Any ideas? Thanks.
 

thecat

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I recalled reading a few reasons though I only remember three of them. Firstly, some couples stayed together for the sake of their kids and divorced when the kids are grown. The second reason is that when women reach menopause, they are more easily upset and also less likely to put up with unhappiness. The third reason somewhat tied in with the second is that it's the last straw that causes divorce and their last straw comes decades later.
 

arkieb1

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I know people stay in marriages for the kids, they raise them then they divorce. Some men, you could argue want younger women when they are older hence a culture of the old fashion mid life crisis which I think happens later in life these days, men used to trade in their wives for younger women, these days with equality women I know trade in their husbands to find spiritual enlightenment, a partner that they are more compatible with and so on.

I've also known men to be still really out to sow their oats so to speak in their 50s 60s and 70s and women to hit menopause and really loose the desire for sex so I think depending upon the people it is any number of a combination of things.
 

perry

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There are multiple ways to look at this. The classic approach says that infidelity and money are the two most common reasons for divorce. Yes, people often stay together to raise children (or to achieve some other big goal) despite those situations; and then split later.

However, I think there are more fundamental issues at stake. Why does the infidelity exist and why does money problems break some people apart and pull others together. The vast majority of men and women who get into infidelity would have told you it could not happen when they got married. So what happened during the marriage to make it possible in a normal life situation (I exclude rare extreme situations).

A more modern approach is that the reason people divorce is that their needs are not being met by the other spouse (not that the other spouse has to actually meet all needs; but, has to at least acknowledge that it is a need for the other person and allow some method of fulfillment - even if only theoretically). As it applies to infidelity: most infidelity is not actually about the sex - its about other things that are missing in a persons lives - that the spouse or life situation is no longer providing.

The book "The 5 Love Languages" lays this out very clearly. People who learn to communicate in the other's person's "love language" and work to keep the "love tank needs" full for the other person have great marriages; and those that do not don't and often divorce.

Other readings I have pursued indicate that couples that openly acknowledge differences, issues, etc. and work together on joint goals also have great marriages. The key is to always have joint goals to work on; to be tolerant, and willing to change. Of course a basis of this is open communication and trust.

Life (and marriage) is amazing if you make it so,

Perry
 

missy

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Danny, I find this terribly sad as well. Please forgive my rambling thoughts here but I am just writing what comes to mind now thinking about your post.

Marriage is full of compromises but if each partner loves and appreciates the other and communicates it can work longterm. What stops happening is the respect and appreciation which is critical to a successful relationship as well as talking through any and all issues. Everything Perry, arkieb and thecat posted I agree with being important in relationships and breaking them apart. Sometimes it is that last drop of water that causes the vessel to overflow so while it was a seemingly small issue it was the one that broke that proverbial camel's back so to speak.

I cannot more highly recommend this book for anyone who is dealing with any relationship issue. It is full of sage and useful advice that works.
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/849380.The_Seven_Principles_for_Making_Marriage_Work

http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797

It has been a very long time since I have read this book but one thing I remember that resonates with me to this day is you have to have more good in the bank than bad. So if the good far outweighs whatever bad is occurring the relationship can survive and prosper but if the scales change then disaster occurs.

My parents have been married over 51 years now and they are not perfect and they fight but they have one of the best marriages I know because they work through any issues and never stop being loving and supportive of each other. They appreciate the other and make it known to each other that they do. They are there for each other no matter what arises and believe me in 51 plus years stress happens and life throws you curveballs.

You must make one feel loved and appreciated and respected for the relationship to be successful longterm. You can never take the other for granted. Show that love and actions speak louder than words but words are important too. Little things matter and never ever stop communicating.
 

missy

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Just coming back to add a few helpful links.

http://www.portlandrelationshipinstitute.com/Art_10_Relationship_Tips.html

http://couplestraininginstitute.com/gottman-couples-and-marital-therapy/

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/01/08/7-research-based-principles-for-making-marriage-work/

http://hametapel.com/gottman.htm


10 Tips for Happy Relationships

1. Attack the problem, not the person.

Complain, don’t criticize. What’s the difference? Complaining identifies the situation or the behavior as the problem, where criticizing identifies the character of your mate as the problem, and conveys that there is something just plain wrong with him or her. Sometimes criticism can be subtle. It can be in the tone of your voice or in body language that shows contempt rather than affection. It’s the difference between “You know, the problem with you is. . .” and “You know, I think we have a problem we need to solve.” Where complaining is actually good for a relationship in that it identifies areas that need improvement and encourages the couple to team up to solve a problem, criticism is like a slow-acting poison that eventually destroys the good feelings you have toward each other.

2. Keep the Walls Down.

If you feel attacked, you tend to defend yourself. If your mate says,
“What’s the matter with you? Why can’t you ever remember to shut the door?”
you may be tempted to retort, “Why can’t you ever remember to shut your mouth?”

Although, in the moment, it might feel good in to defend yourself, Gottman’s
research reveals that it is not helpful to long-term relationship success.
Instead, try something like, “It hurts my feelings when you talk to me that way.
I’m happy to shut the door, but I’d like it if you'd talk to me more respectfully.”

If your spouse responds unhelpfully, it’s time to call the counselor!


3. Accept each other.

In most cases, we can’t change our partner and we need to take a deep breath and simply accept. If you can’t accept some important aspect of your spouse, this could be a major problem down the road. This is where shared values make a big difference.

While there is wiggle room for many differences in a happy relationship, some values are non-negotiable. For example,

· if you are a spiritual person and your spouse has nothing but contempt for your spirituality, it is going to get in the way because you will feel looked down upon.

· If you value honesty but your mate has no problem with gaining advantage by employing a strategic lie here and there, that is going to be a problem because it will diminish your respect.

When I'm counseling premarital couples, we look long and hard at shared and unshared values. If some of your partner’s values are different from yours, ask yourself if you can accept those differences for the rest of your life. And remember, the rest of your life could be a very, very long time. People’s basic values rarely change much over time.

I remember, as a young woman, dating a man whose values didn’t jibe with mine. I thought, “That’s okay. I can change him.” Guess what? No, I couldn’t, and I went through a year of frustration before we called it quits. (In my defense, he was really really cute!)



4. Recognize and admit it when you’re wrong.

Dr. Gottman once remarked (and I paraphrase) “Ever at the lips of a happy couple are the words, “I could be wrong.” It takes character to take a look at your position in a conflict and acknowledge that you need to adjust your perception or attitude. Not everybody can do it, but it is essential to good problem solving. And good problem solving is part of what makes a good marriage.

Ask yourself, “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be happy?” This doesn’t mean that you cave in just to have peace if you sincerely believe in your position. It does mean that winning just for the sake of winning has absolutely no place in a healthy, happy relationship.


5. If it’s a problem for your mate, it’s a problem for you.

Frequently a spouse comes in saying, “I have been complaining about this or that for years and years, and he/she has blown me off for years and years. I’m just done.” Sometimes couples come in for therapy when one of them has already given up and is headed out the door. The partner who is still invested in the relationship is looking shocked, as though this is the first time they have heard how unhappy and fed up their spouse is.

The deer-in-headlights partner usually says something like, “Yeah, I know he/she wanted this or that change, but I just didn’t think it was that important.” It’s very frustrating to feel like your partner has decided that what you need is not important. If something is important to your spouse, make sure that he or she is important enough to you to do something about it. Because unresponsiveness to needs makes people feel unloved and disregarded, and that can end your marriage.



6. Sexual problems are often about something else.

Healthy, happy, active sexual relationships start with chemistry, but are sustained by feelings of fondness and mutual respect and trust. Sometimes couples come in with problems that are related to a true physical or psychological sexual dysfunction. More often, though, I find that sexual problems between people are an outgrowth of some other problem in the relationship such as emotional alienation or ongoing hurt, resentment or anger. If there is a problem in your sexual life, it can be helpful to look outside the bedroom for its source.




7. Be each other’s best friend.

One of the first questions I often ask the couples I work with is, “Who is your best friend?” If they answer that they are each other’s best friends, I know that there is a foundation upon which to repair their relationship.

If, on the other hand, the couple tells me that they don’t think of each other as friends at all, I know I have my work cut out for me. A best friend is someone you feel safe with, someone you trust with the good, the bad and the ugly of who you are, someone who knows you inside and out and who accepts you nonetheless.

A best friend is someone who has your back in life and whose back you have – someone you can really, truly count on. A best friend is someone you just plain like spending time with because you feel fond of that person and that person’s very presence makes you feel happy. A best friend is someone who will hang in there with you and work through problems.

Most of all, a best friend is someone you admire and respect and whose presence you feel blessed by in life. Couples who feel this way about each other tend to be successful. Couples who don’t may be missing the most important cornerstone of a happy marriage.



8. Make sure you have a lot more positive than negative encounters.

Dr. Gottman talks about filling the emotional bank account of your relationship. He says that positive interactions are like putting money in your emotional bank account that can act as an emotional cushion when things aren’t going so well. In his research, he has discovered that, for every negative interaction, a couple withdraws five positive interactions. So if you are having four positive interactions to one negative, you are overdrawing your emotional bank account. Five to one, and you're just breaking even. Imagine the condition of your relationship if you are having five negatives to one positive!

9. If you break your partner's trust, it will take approximately ten thousand times longer to reestablish it than you think it should.

Couples often come to see me after some major breach of trust, such as infidelity. I have noticed that the person who has broken trust often feels that his or her partner is refusing to “get over it” and is losing patience with the person he or she has betrayed (which, of course, only adds insult to injury).

In the meantime, the partner whose trust has been broken is often still in the first stage of the grief process, in utter shock over what has occurred. For the offended party, it’s like suddenly living with a stranger. “How could the person I thought I knew like the back of my hand do something like this?” “What else don’t I know about my partner?” “Do I know my spouse at all?” “What else has he/she been lying about?” “What’s wrong with me that he/she would do this to me?” “I must be unlovable.”

All these questions needs to be sorted through, not just one time, but many. It takes a long time for the offended party to come to terms with “the new normal.” Here’s the truth: Once trust has been broken in a big way, a marriage will probably never be the same. Period.

The surprise is that, with the right help, it may very well be even better than it was before the breach. I have seen many couples come back from the breaking of trust more serious and committed to their marriage.

Sometimes a mended break is stronger than before the break occurred.



10. Recognize when you need help and get it sooner rather than later.
 

House Cat

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I know a couple who is getting divorced right now who has been married for 25 years. They have been through SO MUCH together!!!


She recently had a six-month long affair. Seems like reason enough to get divorced.


Everyone is shocked.
 

momhappy

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There are any number of reasons why couples get divorced. Some people fall out of love, some people change, some people cheat, some people lie, some people want something different and/or more out of life, and on and on and on….. I don't think that a couple should stay together simply because of the amount of time (like 20-30 yrs) that they have been together - I mean, if they want to stay together, that's fine, but if someone is not happy (or whatever), then they should move on if that's what they need to do in life to be happy. Marriages, and what goes on in them, are very personal and I suppose that each couple does what's right for them.
 

jordyonbass

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Interesting thread. My neighbours got married recently, literally days after the wedding the bride's parents told her that they were getting divorced. Apparently this had been the plan since before the bride had finished high school, their marriage was finished well and truly by that point but they wanted to make sure their daughter had gotten married and was fully independent before they went their own ways.

I'd hate to be in my neighbour's position with this; she's upset that they are getting divorced, but at the same time she feels guilty that they stayed together for so long for her sake.
 

House Cat

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jordyonbass|1440512471|3918964 said:
Interesting thread. My neighbours got married recently, literally days after the wedding the bride's parents told her that they were getting divorced. Apparently this had been the plan since before the bride had finished high school, their marriage was finished well and truly by that point but they wanted to make sure their daughter had gotten married and was fully independent before they went their own ways.

I'd hate to be in my neighbour's position with this; she's upset that they are getting divorced, but at the same time she feels guilty that they stayed together for so long for her sake.
What a horrible burden to put on a child. They should have never, ever told her that they did this for her. They should have kept that portion of their lives a secret and took it to their graves. Selfish people! :nono:
 

chrono

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I grew up knowing that my parents remained married for my sake. The positive side of this is that I learned to never be dependent on a man. Financial independence is very important so that if anything happens, I can pack up and leave without worrying about where to go and how to support myself (and children, if any).
 

jordyonbass

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House Cat|1440515499|3918980 said:
jordyonbass|1440512471|3918964 said:
Interesting thread. My neighbours got married recently, literally days after the wedding the bride's parents told her that they were getting divorced. Apparently this had been the plan since before the bride had finished high school, their marriage was finished well and truly by that point but they wanted to make sure their daughter had gotten married and was fully independent before they went their own ways.

I'd hate to be in my neighbour's position with this; she's upset that they are getting divorced, but at the same time she feels guilty that they stayed together for so long for her sake.
What a horrible burden to put on a child. They should have never, ever told her that they did this for her. They should have kept that portion of their lives a secret and took it to their graves. Selfish people! :nono:

They didn't tell her initially why they divorced/stayed together, it came out months after the fact when she was out with her father and he had a few too many drinks. But there was questions before that obviously in regards to what had happened around the time of the wedding.

I can understand why her parents did it and almost admire it; they love their daughter and despite their marriage having failed, still felt they could look after her better as a team rather than as individuals and wanted to make sure she always had that support there for her until she was married. But I also agree it is a horrible burden to put on your child whether you mean to do it or not. I guess the intentions were good but the results maybe weren't as intended? :confused:
 

junebug17

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I often wonder about this too, only because it seems like such a big change to make so late in life. I do know someone who got divorced after 25 years, and in her particular case she had been unhappy and dissatisfied in her marriage for many years, and I think she just hung in because of the kids.
 

House Cat

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jordyonbass|1440516447|3918988 said:
House Cat|1440515499|3918980 said:
jordyonbass|1440512471|3918964 said:
Interesting thread. My neighbours got married recently, literally days after the wedding the bride's parents told her that they were getting divorced. Apparently this had been the plan since before the bride had finished high school, their marriage was finished well and truly by that point but they wanted to make sure their daughter had gotten married and was fully independent before they went their own ways.

I'd hate to be in my neighbour's position with this; she's upset that they are getting divorced, but at the same time she feels guilty that they stayed together for so long for her sake.
What a horrible burden to put on a child. They should have never, ever told her that they did this for her. They should have kept that portion of their lives a secret and took it to their graves. Selfish people! :nono:

They didn't tell her initially why they divorced/stayed together, it came out months after the fact when she was out with her father and he had a few too many drinks. But there was questions before that obviously in regards to what had happened around the time of the wedding.

I can understand why her parents did it and almost admire it; they love their daughter and despite their marriage having failed, still felt they could look after her better as a team rather than as individuals and wanted to make sure she always had that support there for her until she was married. But I also agree it is a horrible burden to put on your child whether you mean to do it or not. I guess the intentions were good but the results maybe weren't as intended? :confused:
I agree that it was a noble thing to do, but...all nobility goes out the window the moment you put the burden of what you did on the shoulders of your child.

That's my two pennies... Take it for what it is worth.

:lol:
 

boerumbiddy

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Most of the few divorces in my close family came quite early in the marriage. My great-grandmother, however, got a divorce when her two daughters were married and established, in the teens and early 20s of the last century. Her husband drank a bit. More than a bit. She put up with it and supported the whole family with her work as a seamstress. But when she no longer needed to do that, and had two loving, married daughters who were glad to have her with them for half a year at a time, she pulled the plug. The great-grandfather later perished when he was hit by a car, walking home late at night, probably drunk.
 

boerumbiddy

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And if you marry at 25 or so and divorce 25 or so years later, you are still in your 50s. That's not "late" in life. And even if it is, maybe the later it gets, the more you want to seize a last chance at happiness rather than misery. (BTW, I married at 25 and divorced at 30 and it has apparently cured me of any "urgent" desire to remarry -- at 68! And I can buy my own bling, after all.)
 

House Cat

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Imdanny|1440483577|3918862 said:
I've been wondering about this. What are some reasons why a couple might get divorced after 20 or 30 years? I've wanted to ask this question here and at a smaller forum where it seems to have happened a lot. I'll just ask it here because nobody will take it personally. I don't know anyone here who got divorced. This confuses me. Why wouldn't people stay together after they stayed together for such a long time? I know one couple who are getting divorced right at the time their last kid is leaving for college. Maybe it has to do with "life stages" or something? Don't get me wrong. I'm glad there are marriage laws to protect people in such situations and I don't judge people who get divorced. I just don't understand why someone would want to be alone or with a new partner after a long marriage. Any experiences anyone would like to share? Any ideas? Thanks.
Ok, here goes....

I am going to venture to say that the marriage was never truly happy to begin with and it just reached a boiling point for one or both members. As we get older, we begin to truly see how short our lives truly are. I don't know about you, but there are times when I wake up and feel the wind knocked out of me with how fast 20 years has gone by. I am 41 right now and I still feel 21. My kids just turned 21 and I want them to be babies again! I feel like their childhoods just whizzed by and all that I did was blink my eyes!

In realizing how short life is and also seeing that you are stuck in an unhappy marriage, either due to neglect or loneliness or worse, some form of abuse, twenty years of marriage isn't worth spit. Now, I think maybe counseling would be in order, but some people find that they are just done. They are so filled with resentment and possibly hate that they just need to leave. That is their God-given right.


This is their one life. There are no do-overs. Life is too short to live unhappy. Kudos to those who realize it and set themselves free.
 

Lady_Disdain

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jordyonbass|1440512471|3918964 said:
Apparently this had been the plan since before the bride had finished high school, their marriage was finished well and truly by that point but they wanted to make sure their daughter had gotten married and was fully independent before they went their own ways.

It really bothers me that they saw their daughter's marriage as the point when she was fully independent. Almost as if they had to hand her over to someone else before divorcing. I married in my mid 30s and I am horrified that anyone didn't think me fully independent when I was earning my own money, paying my own bills and minding my own business. On the flip side, I also know several married people who are much too dependent on their parents still.

As for the original question, I would say people divorce after 20 or 30 years of marriage for the same reasons they divorce earlier: money, fighting, realizing they want different things, etc. This is often the point where children are grown and the couple realizes they have little in common besides the children. They may realize they have incompatible retirement plans. One or the other may have a mid life crisis. They may have grown apart over the years. One of them may have finally become fed up with the other's behaviour for some reason. Way too many reasons, actually.
 

decisively_unsure

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10yrs is more than enough time for a person's effort and personality to drastically change, for the better or for the worst. 20 or 30yrs is a huge amount of time. Even the best matched couples in their 20s or 30s will be different in their 40s to 60s.
 

canuk-gal

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HI Danny:

Just wanted to say hi! Hope you are surviving the rain (and glad it is moving on...)

cheers--Sharon
 

minousbijoux

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There are as many reasons why this happens as there are weeks in a year! While my ex and I divorced 10 years ago, I am watching as more and more of my friends split now. That puts them squarely in your timeframe, I'mDanny. These are friends I know really well. All of them were passionately in love when they married. At the outset of their respective relationships, all of them would have said they would be together forever and could not imagine parting ways. What changed? Each has a different story, but this is what I see as repeating patterns:

1) Growing in separate ways despite best efforts. So many couples I know have had recognizable differences when they courted and married. Who doesn't? But as people mature/change, sometimes these are positives for the relationship and sometimes these differences are exacerbated to the point of chafing despite communication, counseling and other healthy coping mechanisms.

2) Major life event and its impacts. A death of a child or serious health issues. No one knows precisely how they will respond in such a situation, especially one in which they and their partner are worn down over time. People deal with life threatening/changing events differently and its nearly impossible to know whether these can be compatibly ridden out until you are in them.

3) Failure to recognize incompatibilities at the outset. So many people are full of optimism when they start a relationship. Sometimes its hard to recognize differences. Immaturity, denial and external pressures all likely play a role in not recognizing fundamental incompatibility at the outset and walking away. I don't know, but I probably fall into this category. I kinda saw our differences when we were first together, but so hoped that we would grow together over time. I also really wanted to get married and move on to the family chapter of my life, so probably overlooked what I should have walked away from.

4) Kids and priorities. Sometimes priorities change when kids enter the picture. Couple time is critical to maintaining the partnership/relationship, but so often this is usurped by kids. I mean what Mom (parent) does not struggle to decide where to focus energies and priorities? Is it on themselves and "me" time? Is there guilt around finding ways to have alone time with their spouse without the kids? Do they feel that they should spend more quality time with their kids to raise the best people they can? Do they both make an effort to preserve/grow their relationship? The vast majority of ended marriages I know fall into this category. Raising kids is hard. Sometimes parenting falls to one parent and there is resentment. Sometimes only one parent works on creating time for the couple and there is resentment. Sometimes, the focus of the marriage becomes the kids, with the relationship taking a backseat and there is resentment. It is so easy, in any of these situations, to separately find solace/enjoyment outside the home and grow apart. I've seen so many couples on separate tracks (e.g, different sets of friends, different vacations, different core interests) when their kids were in grade school and wondered what would happen to these relationships. By and large, as the kids leave home, these marriages are ending. Sometimes, like in my case, they end before the kids leave home.

5) Midlife Crisis. Don't know if this is really just the eruption of what was there and dormant throughout the marriage, but it sure seems that this is a real phenomenon.

6) Personal demons that just cannot be overcome. Addictions can destroy marriages. Period.

I hope that helps. Didn't mean to be so longwinded, but its not a simple answer.
 

TooPatient

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DH and I know a guy who will almost certainly divorce his wife as soon as the kids are 21. They will have been married for something like 30 years.

I don't know many people with worse marriages. They are all genuinely unhappy. Him especially. The wife and kids (10th grade and just starting college) absolutely torment him and humiliate him every chance they get.

Why does he stay? She is an attorney with attorney friends who would make his life miserable.
 

Tekate

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Imdanny, I am 62.. I am in my 2nd marriage after being married to my 1st husband for 10 years, in this marriage for 28 years... BUT I have many friends who are divorced after 20-30+ years of marriage... some initiated by my GF's and some by their spouse(s).. the men all left for younger women, a new life, a new start,one of my girlfriend's husband left because she was driven by work and success, the women left because their husbands were: boring, alcoholic/druggie, a moocher, their husbands were distant, gotten old and grumpy.. in all the marriages I have seen fail in the last 8 years or so, I can say they all failed because they changed as people.. these are all my girlfriends from high school and I graduated in 71.. after 38 years my soon to be former SIL came out as gay (that was a SHOCK :) .. true... so once the kids are gone, the jobs slow down spouses take a good look at each other and perhaps want more. I have one friend who as the years went by, had a marriage that blossomed, grew and was truly magnificent from when I first met her in 1993 (when she told me she thought she would have to divorce this guy before they retired and she was married 10 years then) she and her hubby became much more religious.. year by year.. so I guess a lack of shared and mutual interests played a part in a lot of the breakups I have seen in the last few years.

Peace.
 

telephone89

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This is basically what my partners parents would have done, if divorce was 'acceptable' in their culture. When he was growing up, it was a very unhealthy environment. They slept in the same bed, but that was about it. They were never around each other - never wanted to be. They would argue when they thought no one was listening. Whenever they were apart, they would just complain about one another. They would pick on each other in front of family/friends/children. He actually wished they'd seperate because it was such a terrible environment. They 'pretended' to be a happy couple/parents but failed miserably at it. It got better once all the kids were grown and moved out (their oldest ended up moving back in with them, stayed until he was 30 or so).

I don't know their deep dark secrets, but I don't think it was a marriage of love. Or at least, it didn't last long if it was. I know his mother was unhappy from when he was a young child (under 5). I personally believe they didn't want an arranged marriage (typical culture), so they found someone they liked, and went with it. They didn't know each other well, but at least they KNEW each other.

A lot can change over those years. I barely remember the person I was 10 years ago, let alone 20 or 30. I think in a relationship you have to expect both people will change, its about how you deal with it and if you grow together or apart. Marriage takes work, if you try to coast through it or keep the same relationship you had last month/year/etc you will not grow in the right direction. Trying to stay the same, or keep what you had will never work (imo). I don't fault someone for divorcing, but I really disagree that they should stay together because they'd 'been through so much'.
 

azstonie

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 1, 2014
Messages
3,769
Because you have less years ahead of you and it's now or never to take a chance on finding your own happiness in life.
 

ennui

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 28, 2014
Messages
995
I don't know if anyone here remembers Dr. Joyce Brothers, but she wrote a book about marriage and the trouble spots. I vaguely recall the weak points leading to divorce were years 1 and 4 and 10, and then there was a big jump to 20+. Also, she said that nothing ruins a romantic relationship like children, and many wives cease to be lovers when they become mothers, and they put their children ahead of their husband. It may sound dated, but I thought she had a lot of good points.

Women who are older tend to have more of their own money, so if they stayed for financial reasons, those reasons can now be overcome.

Health issues; not everyone wants to be there for the sickness part of the vows.

And definitely on the grumpy old man part. I don't know why so many old men can be grouchy and mean.

Retirement. Maybe you liked each other when you both left the house to go to work, but sudden togetherness 24/7 can really be an eye-opener.

Wasn't there a study announced today that most divorces begin over housework? Any excuse will do, when you want out.
 

perry

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 19, 2004
Messages
2,547
A bit off subject - but very relevant: Princess and I married rather late. Neither of us was willing to settle for someone who was not right for us. We both got to watch (and try to help) many dozens of marriages fall apart before we met (and both know people who have been through several marriages and divorces). We have seen those 20+ year marriages end among friends and acquantences.

Our biggest discussions pre-marriage (or our best attempt given the language and cultural differences) was how did we prevent the situations we all had seen multiple times from occurring in our marriage. You name the issue and we probably discussed it to the best of our ability.

Now that did not prevent there from being at least one very significant issue within a year; but, we knew we had to immediatly deal with the issue and figure it out - and how to do that (and we both learned things about ourselves and each other that we never knew).

That of course does not mean that we will be successful in the end; but, I think it sure gives us a leg up on most people who get married.

Your future is as bright as you are willing to make it,

Perry
 

Imdanny

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 21, 2008
Messages
6,186
canuk-gal|1440530118|3919090 said:
HI Danny:

Just wanted to say hi! Hope you are surviving the rain (and glad it is moving on...)

cheers--Sharon

Well, it was so rare. It felt like the first time in a year. But, yes, it moved on today, and that was a relief. I had a bunch of clothes outside and they would have molded if I couldn't hang them out to dry today. Thanks, Sharon!

Thanks, every one! I'm still reading your posts. You all put a lot of time and energy into them and I appreciate it!

Cheers,
Danny
 

minousbijoux

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 5, 2010
Messages
12,804
perry|1440550109|3919188 said:
A bit off subject - but very relevant: Princess and I married rather late. Neither of us was willing to settle for someone who was not right for us. We both got to watch (and try to help) many dozens of marriages fall apart before we met (and both know people who have been through several marriages and divorces). We have seen those 20+ year marriages end among friends and acquantences.

Our biggest discussions pre-marriage (or our best attempt given the language and cultural differences) was how did we prevent the situations we all had seen multiple times from occurring in our marriage. You name the issue and we probably discussed it to the best of our ability.

Now that did not prevent there from being at least one very significant issue within a year; but, we knew we had to immediatly deal with the issue and figure it out - and how to do that (and we both learned things about ourselves and each other that we never knew).

That of course does not mean that we will be successful in the end; but, I think it sure gives us a leg up on most people who get married.

Your future is as bright as you are willing to make it,

Perry

Not to rain on your parade, Perry, as I think what you are recommending is wise counsel, but everyone I knew who married and subsequently divorced did the same. At least friends I know did try to anticipate to the best of their knowledge issues that might come up and talk them through in advance, and then deal with them as they/if they arose. But still, not everything is within your control and that is the real test.
 

urseberry

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 27, 2007
Messages
516
I wish that culturally, divorce would be seen as a sad event, rather than a failure. Some marriages should not last "until death do us part." People are living longer than ever these days, and people change. A relationship that worked at one time can stop working for any number of reasons.
 
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