Really need some advice for parents- finances & divorce

[stressedpser]

I'm a pricescoper but using a different name to protect my family and myself for various reasons... my other account has pictures so I really didn't want to put this all out there for anyone I know to stumble across.


My parents are divorcing.This is a great thing for my mom since she has been dealing with abuse and infidelity for the past 33 years... its not so great for my dad because I just don't think he can take care of himself.

My parents are in WAY over their head with a mortgage and credit cards... there is absolutely no way that they will be able to pay their balances and mortgage in their lifetime. They can't even afford just the credit cards if they sold the house. My mom is coming to live with us for an indefinite amount of time. One stipulation we made is that she HAS to stop using credit cards but I'm not sure what to tell her to do about the debt she has racked up. DH and Dave Ramsey say to just stop paying the cards and eventually settle with them for a lesser amount in a couple of years. Bankruptcy isn't an option since they already filed about 7 years ago. If they stop paying the cards, will they take her fairly new truck? Both of their names are on all of the credit cards but my dad cant hold a job so it looks like my mom is the one to be reasponsible for them. Obviously they cant afford an attorney or financial advisor or anything. My parents have been incredibly stupid with money and I feel like the entire weight of it is on me now that my mom will be living with us. I'm glad she is leaving the situation... I just wish she weren't leaving and coming to us with the financial baggage. We absolutely can not afford to help her... even paying for the extra groceries will be a stretch for us. We have a tight budget and stick to it... we really don't have extra.

I feel like I'm just rambling now... anyway, I just want some advice for my mom, maybe my dad, and for my husband and I. What are the options?

 

[DivaDiamond007]

DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT AN ATTORNEY

If your parents filed Chapter 7 about 7 years ago then they are eligible to file again 8 years from the date of file of their previous case. They should contact the attorney that represented them in that case and find out exactly when that was. They could go into a Chapter 13, finances permitting, until the 8 year mark and then convert their case to a Chapter 7. Our clients do that all the time.

Does the truck have a loan on it already? If so, the cc companies would have no interest in it. If there is no loan on it it is possible (especially with Discover and Amex) that a cc company would put a lien on it, but since vehicles generally decrease in value quickly it is not usually worth their time to do so.

Since both of your parents' names are on the cc cards then they are both equally responsible to pay the debt. If one spouse doesn't pay then the cc company will go after the other spouse. It does not matter who is listed first on the statement; for some reason so many people think that matters when in reality it doesn't at all.

I think a condition of having your mom live with you should be that she must call the cc companies and close the accounts. If she cannot afford to make the payments and stops paying them eventually the accounts will be sold to collection agencies, and eventually she and your father will likely be sued for payment. The worst outcome from a lawsuit would be a wage garnishment, however, if neither of them are working and if they have no money (meaning zero) in the bank then there's nothing to garnish, leaving them safe until they are able to file for Chapter 7.

This is a sad and sticky situation and I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

First of all, I'm sorry that you're in this position and I realize how difficult it can be. I am worried that you, and possibly DH, are not mentally ready for this step. What I see is that you are brining in a person who is likely mentally unstable. Years of abuse can manifest itself in several ways and one of them is through spending. That's just the surface. You're also bringing into your home all the anxiety of your mothers debt, history and situation. Not to mention adding on your own personal anxiety about added grocery bills. You'll also have a higher water and power bill too. My advice is communication and counselling and more counselling and more counselling. I've been there before. Using things as a way to make up for all the hurt from abuse (in my case my mother was abusive). The credit cards and the things become a security blanket and to suddenly cut them off is like mentally stripping the person naked. I would also look into what kind of resources may be available locally for your mother to help her reduce her debt or get them into payments she can afford. There may also be services to help her find affordable living based on her income as well as helping her to set up a budget and manage her money.

 

[movie zombie]

as in all things, it took them years to get themselves into this mess and it will take them years to get out of it. in the end, it is their problem, not yours. you can offer your mother a safe environment in which to live and make decisions. you can act as a reality checkboard for her. however, you cannot make her decisions for her nor can you take on her problems as your own. the strain all this will cause on your budget may be the least of your concerns compared to the toll this could take on you and your marriage.

please get yourself and her into counseling. also, an attorney is a must! get some free legal advice from a legal aid society or some such organization. each state has different divorce and insolvency laws. she....not you....must have accurate information in order to get herself out of this mess. additionally, she needs to be doing the legwork, not you. otherwise, the cycle of her seeing herself as a victim is perpetuated.

as re your father: his problem if he can't take care of himself.

re your mother: it would be healthy to set a time limit on her being able to stay in your home. this gives her a goal to work towards and motivate her to no longer be a victim. it also allows you to see some relief to the stress.

one thought: can you close an account that is not paid off? i was of the opinion that it had to be paid off in order to do so.

i know you want to be supportive of your mother. but remember all the years it took her to get into this situation: do you want your life held hostage for so many years to get out of it?

tough love goes both ways: from parent to child and child to parent. be supportive but do not continue to see her as a victim but as an adult who made lousy decisions. try and remove yourself from the emotional equation. be clear with her regarding the rules for living in your home....and set consequences for not following those rules. be prepared to enforce those consequences.

and most of all, i'm so sorry you've had to live with for so long. it must have been emotionally hard for many years. please take care of yourself through all this.

MoZo

 

[Amber St. Clare]

I have no advice, I just wish the three of you well. I know the coming months will be very stressful for you.....

 

[zoebartlett]

I really like Sparkly's and MZ's advice. I think they gave you great suggestions! I'm sorry that you and your family are going through this, but it sounds like it's the best decision for your mom, based on what you've said here.

 

[lliang_chi]

I also want to echo you got some sound advice from the sage ladies here. MZ has a very good point about establishing boundaries. It's healthy to have an end. And if your mom feels pressured or unable to cope, you can always revisit it. But it's good to have a timeline at least.

Very sorry you and your family has to go through this. It's a hard situation.