RANT!- Why do people always tell me not to get married!! grrr

[Person24]

Hello fellow PSers,


Why do people who barely know me and barely know FI like to tell me that I shouldn''t get married because I am too young (and people who do know us decently well). It really offends me. I feel like they are questioning the validity of my relationship AND I feel like they obviously don''t believe in it. I know I shouldn''t let it get to me and it normally doesn''t, but if FI have recently gotten into an argument over something I tend to let it seep into my skin and makes me worry. It isn''t something I personally think about but when other people begin to question me about it or act like it is the worst idea in the world, it makes me second guess myself, which I know I should not do. Additionally, how do I respond to people when they say this to me? How do they not realize it hurts my feelings?

BTW- I am not insanely young, I am twenty four. I know that isn''t old by any means but I am not completely without life experience. Also, no one every tells FI he shouldn''t get married, people just like to tell ME this. (he is about five years older though)

Thanks!

 

[neatfreak]

I'm sorry that people are making you feel badly about getting married! I've got a few thoughts on this, and this is obviously COMPLETE speculation as I don't know your situation.

Sometimes people just think they are entitled to share their opinion all the time...and sometimes they have a valid reason for sharing. If they like your FI and think your relationship is solid, then they obviously just lack a filter. In which case you say "thanks for your opinion" and move on. Just know that these people like to share no matter what, so try not to take it personally.

If they are disapproving of your FI though rather than getting married itself, and generally you trust their judgement, you might want to pause and listen. Often family members and close friends are much more accurate about a relationship's staying power than the couple themselves.

I know it's hard, but if it's situation #1 just smile and know that they likely tell anything they are thinking to anyone who will listen. It doesn't mean they are right! And you shouldn't question your relationship just because people are insensitive.

 

[kittybean]

I''m also 24, and I''ve experienced comments of "you''re too young to get married" as well, but they have mostly been from strangers. I shrug it off and just laugh as a reply. They usually don''t say anything more. I really don''t think that those people are questioning the validity of your relationship--and if they are, who cares? As long as you believe in your heart that it''s right for you, don''t put any stock into the ramblings of random naysayers.

However, I do have to agree with Neatfreak that if these are people whose opinion matters to you (parents, close friends, siblings, or other close relatives), think about what they''re saying. Maybe ask some follow-up questions regarding why they might think you are too young. If there''s anything of substance in their comments or responses, then maybe take some time to ponder your relationship. If not, stop second-guessing and enjoy your engagement!

 

[bee*]

I''d ditto nf. It depends really on why they''re giving you advice. When I got engaged last year I got the same thing from one of the vets that I used to work for. She''d go on and on telling me that I was too young to be engaged, too young to get married etc. I was 26, had travelled to so many places with D and we''d been together nearly 9 years. She used to tell everyone that I was silly doing it, but then in the same breath she used to say that she''d better go and find herself a man so she could get married too (she was 37),so I think it was part insecurity on her part. If my family had expressed reservation though, I would listen as they know me best.

 

[Dannielle]

*sighs* I get this alot to. I am 19 and FI is 23.

It has only ever been customers at work though it usually goes something like this

Customer: That is a lovely ring, are you engaged?
Me: Yes *smiles*
Customer: How old are you?
Me: Nineteen
Customer: Wow! your far to young to be getting married, how old is your fiance''? when are you getting married? How long have you been together? (this is said all in one breath)
Me: My fiance'' is twenty-three, we''ve been together for four years and we are getting married in 2011.
Customer: Well, I suppose thats okay then.
Me: I''m so glad you approve *blank stare*

People will always have an opinion on something.. "your two young to get married", "to old to be single", "to focused on career", "not focused enough on your career", "to young to have children", "to old to have children.." People just need to learn to mind their own business

 

[allycat0303]

Well I guess it is from their personal experience. I don`t think that 24 is too young to get married. But sometimes they are talking about what was right for them, and not necessarily what is right for you. Because, you are not the same person as Mrs. X, Y, Z who is talking.

For example. I am 28, I have been with my fiancé for 13 years. We have been engaged for 3 years, and will be getting married next year. Now if you ask me, were you too young to get married at 24? (At that time I was with my fiancé for 9 years already, I would have said YES. Absolutely, because I had stuff I wanted to do, and I was not in a place where I was anywhere close to getting married. So I was TOO young to get married.

My close friend got married at 24. She was finished school. Both her and her fiancé had steady jobs. They got married. Were they too young? No. She was ready for it. I was not.

I think people are projecting their own life experiences on you.

I find it annoying when people tell my fiancé, he shouldn`t get married because then we will get divorced and I will take all his money in alimony. WHEN I AM STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO HIM, but again, it`s guys who have been through messy divorces talking.

 

[galvana]

This stuff kills me. I read all the responses here and its all true. People just suck at times, can i say that here? lol
I think we all need to make our own choices in life and what is right for one may not be right for the next person.
but its no ones business but your own. If you get married young, so what? its your decision, if it doesn''t work out then you learn from it what you can.
I hate when people try to tell engaged couples things like this.

My fiance and I experience it too - but a bit differently - well he does moreso than me. I am 32 and he is 34, what people (or his MEN coworkers and friends) say to him all the time is:
Why are you wasting so much money on a wedding? Its like you are throwing money away for a 1 day time period.
Why are you getting married anyway? if you split she''ll take all your money - ughhhhhhh.
BUT, he doens''t care and neither do I - this is what WE want. We love eachother, we are secure in our relationship, we want to spend as much as we can afford on the wedding, we want to give ourselves the best day possible, and we are going to.

I guess my point is (like everyone else said too) that people just like put their personal opinions on others. and as allycat said:
But sometimes they are talking about what was right for them, and not necessarily what is right for you. Because, you are not the same person as Mrs. X, Y, Z who is talking.

Try not to let their words bother you, you have to just accept that people are going to say those things because they are not smart enough to know that we all have to do what is right for us, we all for to learn on our own. Its not nice to say things like that and some people just dont know any better!

 

[Person24]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all the good advice. I do need to just ignore peoples comments and smile and nod and just ignore them. Sometimes I feel as though I am about to say something VERY mean to these people

, so I def. need to bite my tongue.

Also, the people who make these comments are not close friends or family. Usually, they are complete strangers, and once or twice have been people who know me (although are not close to me) but have only might FI a couple times and have not really seen us interact. I guess people just assume that if they weren''t ready at 24 I should not be ready either. Its ridiculous!!!

 

[AdiS]

Hey girl, I hear ya. I was 21 when I got married and received my share of nasty comments and not too polite speculation (Why are you getting married so young? This is a mistake so common you''d think young people would realize it by now! Are you pregnant? Is that the reason you''re in such a rush? etc) This was all coming from people who barely knew me and DH so I didn''t pay any attention to them. Sure, if it was my Mom or my best friend, I''d feel a bit hurt, maybe even angry, but luckily they know me well enough not to question my big decisions. They know that when I''m sure of something, it means I''m sure of it. Period. So all I did was laugh when someone tried to criticize my engagement and marriage. They don''t deserve anything more. Don''t mind them and be happy with your FI and your upcoming wedding!

 

[emeraldlover1]

I agree with what everyone has said. Ignore them. I''m turning 30 this year and I''ve been pretty good at ignoring the comments about kids. Like, "I better get on it". Or, "you are going to have to get pregnant on the honeymoon." It''s none of their business and I have reasons for my decisions that don''t need to be discussed with complete strangers. Just because you get married when you are older doesn''t mean it will work but some people think that more life experience teaches you more about what you want for yourself. Some people just know earlier than others. I have a friend who got married at 19 and she is still married and happy 3 kids later and 10 years later.

 

[Thomperchik]

This is one of those topics where you never win...

If you''re in your 20''s, people will tell you something...

If you''re in your 30''s, people will still say something...

Even if you were 60, people will still say something...

At the end of the day, you''re never going to win... So enjoy your engagement and forget what others have to say... Of course like NF and everyone else said, unless it''s a valid and reasonable source!

P.S. Congratulations on your engagement!

 

[Aloros]

I''m agreed with Thomperchik - people ALWAYS have SOMETHING to say!

My dad married my mom when he was 24 - he likes to claim that he is still that age and that marrying my mom is what''s kept him young. My mom is a little older.

24 is definitely not too young to get married.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 12/4/2008 8:20:53 AM
Author: Person24
Hi everyone,


Thanks for all the good advice. I do need to just ignore peoples comments and smile and nod and just ignore them. Sometimes I feel as though I am about to say something VERY mean to these people

, so I def. need to bite my tongue.

Also, the people who make these comments are not close friends or family. Usually, they are complete strangers, and once or twice have been people who know me (although are not close to me) but have only might FI a couple times and have not really seen us interact. I guess people just assume that if they weren''t ready at 24 I should not be ready either. Its ridiculous!!!

I agree with most of what everyone said in that you should ignore it if possible and also people will always have something to say. And I understand how you feel, I''ve had this reaction mostly from acquaintances (mostly people I took a class with, but didn''t know very well). "You''re so young!" I am 21, by the way. And yes, I am young; however, getting married is not going to stop any of my plans or FI''s plans. People project their personal experiences, past immaturity, and relationships onto others and it''s unacceptable in my opinion.

Just because that''s their experience and that was their level of maturity does not mean it''s the same as mine. Anyway, as long as you''re comfortable with your FI and your age then that''s what matters. Unfortunately, I don''t really know how to stop these people other than to dismiss their comments and stay confident.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 12/4/2008 8:20:53 AM
Author: Person24
Hi everyone,


Thanks for all the good advice. I do need to just ignore peoples comments and smile and nod and just ignore them. Sometimes I feel as though I am about to say something VERY mean to these people

, so I def. need to bite my tongue.

Also, the people who make these comments are not close friends or family. Usually, they are complete strangers, and once or twice have been people who know me (although are not close to me) but have only might FI a couple times and have not really seen us interact. I guess people just assume that if they weren''t ready at 24 I should not be ready either. Its ridiculous!!!

Yeah, if these are people who don''t even know you try not to let it get under your skin! They are just people without filters!

 

[*Danielle*]

People always have an opinion to share, no matter what the circumstances. Their is no right time to get married, only when you and him both feel ready for the commitment. Waiting for the right time can mean waiting forever because their will always be *something* to "get in the way" sorta speak.

 

[trillionaire]

Aw, don''t let the comments get to you. Everyone has something to say. SO gets a lot of grief from co-workers about when he is going to marry me. The same coworkers who tell him that I am probably cheating on him because we are long distance. And these same co-workers are often divorcees.

Then everyone that I know asks me when I am getting married, and all of the ones that got married young tell me to wait, and the ones the got married olders say that they don''t know why they waited so long, and how great marriage is.

So, in conclusion, chart your own course, and ignore the naysayers.

 

[Inanna]

It never ceases to amaze me how tacky people can be.

I''m 29, so I haven''t gotten the age comments, and btw, 24 is not too young at all IMHO. The tacky comments I''ve received have been regarding the possibility of divorce and whether we''ll be doing a prenuptial agreement. Lovely! This includes a furniture saleswoman (i.e. complete stranger) who blabbered on for 10 minutes about her experience with marriage counseling, which included her making vast and downright offensive generalizations about men, women, and marriage overall. FI, after trying to stop her several times, grabbed my hand and said, "So I guess we''ll be going somewhere else to buy a recliner." And we walked out of the store.

I think some people just can''t help but project their personal drama (or jealousy) on those who are celebrating beginning a life together. Don''t sweat it, but try not to always let them get away with it either.

 

[Haven]

You get these comments because people are gauche. Gauche. Gauche. Gauche.

Everyone is right, you''ll never win. I married at 28 and DH was 38, so everyone was asking what we were waiting for. Where are the kids? Why no rush?

We''ve also had a few odd individuals say things like "Ugh. You''re only happy because you haven''t been married very long. Come and see me in thirty years."

And people snort at etiquette.

 

[Mediterranean]

Date: 12/4/2008 4:28:03 PM
Author: Haven

Everyone is right, you''ll never win. I married at 28 and DH was 38, so everyone was asking what we were waiting for. Where are the kids? Why no rush?


We''ve also had a few odd individuals say things like ''Ugh. You''re only happy because you haven''t been married very long. Come and see me in thirty years.''

Oh, your DH is around our (FI & I) age! Because we''re in the age range (me 30''s he 40''s) where some of the people we know have unfortunately been divorced, we get all the snarky comments about marriage being "unhappy" too! Like that gem about "see me in XXXX years" or when we announce our engagement to a divorcee and they say "oh, my condolences" (hardy har har)

It doesn''t matter how old you are (or aren''t) people are always gonna kick in their two cents!

Don''t worry. You guys are in love and you''re happy; that''s really all that matters.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

It always amazes me how many people don''t seem to have a filter...especially on the subject of weddings and marriages.

I think you''ll find on PS women who have gotten married or will get married at all different ages, and I don''t think there''s ever a "right" or "wrong" age to get married, if it''s done for the right reasons, and if the people getting married feel it''s right for THEM to get married at that time. Don''t take the questioning from others personally - if strangers are telling you this, they don''t know enough about your relationship to make judgment calls...and I really don''t think they ARE making judgment calls. They''re just being rather rude and just mouthing off...so as long as you''re secure in your relationship and feel that 24 is a good age to get married, you shouldn''t let others'' opinions get to you

For the record, I don''t think 24 is too young...but then again, I''m 22

And when I do get married, be it 24, 26, or 36, I will be done with my education and have a job, and have money in reserve to start a life...at that point, I''d consider it no one else''s business (especially a stranger) to comment on whether or not I''m too young (or too old!) to get married

 

[Winks_Elf]

(((BIG HUG))) to the ladies who have to hear that kind of crap!

My brother was not even 24 when he and his wife (who is a few years older) got married 16 years ago. They've got two beautiful children, ages 15 and 6, and they have a very strong bond. Meanwhile, my now ex-husband and I have a very long history, got married at age 32, had three children together, and we're divorced now because he's a cheater.

There is no specific age at which people should wait to hit before getting married. Its all about morals, values, and the bond between you and your significant other.

 

[elrohwen]

I''m also 24 and I''ve gotten some of the same responses, usually from women slightly older than me. I had a few girls at work who were in their early 30s and not married, but desperatly wanting to be. Both would tell me all the time that I was too young and shouldn''t be thinking about serious relationships and marriage. I think they were just insecure about not being in relationships at that point in their lives and didn''t like that I was younger and planning a wedding. Once one of them got married last year she stopped saying I was too young and started being happy for me

. They obviously had their own reasons for saying I was too young and it didn''t involve me or FI or our relationship at all.

When people say stuff like that, just say that you and your FI are both ready for it and looking forward to being married. Don''t second guess yourself because chances are they have their own personal reasons for saying something like that. Or they''re just speaking without thinking about how rude it is, so just ignore it. I wouldn''t point out that it''s rude or hurts your feelings unless it''s a close friend. With aquaintences it''s probably better to give a quick answer and just change the subject.

 

[Person24]

Well, I guess it makes me feel better that alot of people have had the same experience! It means there isn''t something wrong with me and FI!

thanks everyone!

 

[Nocturnius]

Thomper''s got it right there.

In your 20s, it''s "you''re too young to get married!" In your 30s and 40s, it''s "YOU BETTER HOP ON THE BABY TRAIN FAST or you''ll miss out!" And any older than that, it''s "why are you wasting money on a wedding?" (We just had a couple at our hotel, the bride 72 and groom 74, both getting married FOR THE FIRST TIME. I thought it was precious. Everyone I told about it rolled their eyes and said, "they shouldn''t be wasting their money on a wedding at their age, it''s pointless." Uh, why? You think weddings are only for young people? Bite me.)

I know how you feel. I''m 20, my husband is 22. We get that string of questions all the time, along with the condenscending "you''re too young to get married". Together five and a half years, lived together for two. We were pretty much married anyway. (And now that his family has settled into the idea that we are, they say the same thing. At Thanksgiving, we were asked, "so what''s it like being married?" And we both shrugged and said, "Really, not that different..." And everyone nodded and said, "well, you were pretty much married already, anyway.")

This was the way I responded, depending on the person:

If it was a stranger, I''d just laugh and say, "yep. That''s what everyone tells me." What it said to the person was... I don''t care. Really. Because I don''t.
If it was a family member, I''d turn it around on them. "Why do you think we''re too young?" This always baffled them, because they could never really think of an answer! The best I ever got was from his sister, who mustered "well, you haven''t dated enough people." She didn''t know what to say after that, though, when I said, "well, I didn''t realize there was a magic number of boyfriends you had to go through before you were ready to get married."

My only word of caution: evaluate who gives you advice and comments carefully. Just because they''re a friend or family member does NOT mean they will automatically give you good advice.

 

[musey]

I wanted to respond before reading other peoples'' opinions, so forgive me if I''m repeating anything

I was 22 when we got engaged and I definitely heard a lot of "You''re getting MARRIED?! But you''re SO young!" It was definitely annoying, and surprised me a little (at that point a large portion of the people I''d gone to high school with were already married... not college, though, as that was in slower-to-marry southern california). I stopped to think about who was reacting that way, and it was ENTIRELY A) Complete strangers, and/or B) people who had general issues with marriage. Never people who were close to us (with the exception of one of our very anti-marriage friends, but I choose not to take that personally

) and NEVER people whose opinions I have respect for.

Every single friend or family member whose opinion on the matter was important to me, supported us 100%. A lot of them even said "finally!" when they heard the news!

So I generally believe that such comments are to be brushed off UNLESS they do come from someone who is close to you, especially if that person is someone who you respect and love. Those are the people looking out for you, and they may see something that you cannot, as you are "too close to the situation," as they say.

 

[musey]

Date: 12/6/2008 10:35:52 PM
Author: Person24
Well, I guess it makes me feel better that alot of people have had the same experience! It means there isn''t something wrong with me and FI!

thanks everyone!

Absolutely not. I''d bet that most couples under the age of 30 have heard "you''re too young!" at SOME point during their engagement/marriage.

 

[kellybelly]

i think back in the day, when my parents were married in the 70''s, people wouldn''t bat an eyelash at you marrying early twenties or even 18 or 19. a lot of that was when women weren''t necessarily going to college and starting a career outside of the home. it seems to me the main reason why people say anything below ages 27 or 30 is too young is that, assuming you graduate college at 22, it takes a few years to build your career and establish yourself financially. also, that''s a big growth period, once you get out of college, maybe move out of your house, etc..

hey, i know people who are 40 and shouldn''t get married yet because they are not ready, so it''s all relative. however, just like anything else, it never hurts to take a little more time and i think that''s what people who comment to you might be concerned about. we live in a "gotta have it now" society and sometimes that permeates into personal relationships, people rushing things.

people have opinions about everything. no need to get angry about it though. they might just have some baggage or personal experience that makes them say that, and they might think they are helping. they don''t know you, so just consider the source.