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JMF5555

Rough_Rock
Joined
Dec 18, 2010
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Do you think that living together is a good step in the direction of marriage, or do you think that a couple should not cohabitate prior to the commitment of marriage?

I ask this because my boyfriend (who I have been dating just shy of a year), asked me to move in with him when my lease is up in May. I told him no because I want to wait until I am engaged or married before I live with someone and he said that he won't get engaged or married to someone unless he lives with them first.
 
I think it depends on the people. For my husband and I, it was a given that we would live together first. However, there was no combining of finances and no co-owned things until we were engaged. We worked together to manage our finances, but what was his was his, and what was mine was mine. We were together for about 5 years when I bought our house and we moved in together.

I think it's a good thing, because it helps you to learn and transition into a marriage. We live in different times now, and what was once tradition is not really practical to todays standards in my eyes. Women are working, sometimes more than men, and often times having more assets than men, and finding the balance of keeping a house BEFORE marriage seems pretty important to me. There is a lot more at stake for both parties to lose if for some reason the marriage doesn't work out. Living together before hand gives you a pretty solid idea of what married life will be like. But, some people have moral and other issues against it, and would never consider it.

Thats my 0.02 ;))
 
I think it's different for every couple. I agree with your BF, I personally wouldn't want to get engaged or married before living with the person. My FI and I lived together for a year before we got engaged, and I think it was really good for us because we really enjoy being together and it wouldn't have made sense for him to move across the country to me with me and pay for his own apt when he would spend all his time at my place anyway. Why are you hesitant to move in?
 
If you have not been "intimate" with your BF, and are saving your virginity for marriage, then I can understand not wanting to live together before marriage. If you are already sleeping together and taking weekend trips or spending all weekend together, what's the point in holding out for the ring before moving in together?

You may find that when you are living under the same roof he does things that drive you INSANE, and those very things will not go away once a sparkling diamond graces your hand. Would you invest $30k into a brand new car without having test driven it first?

It comes down to personal values. If you are of the mindset that you would never sleep together until you are married or at the very least engaged with the date set, stick to your virtues. If you are afraid that if you move in with him he won't marry you (why by the cow when you're getting the milk for free), then you need to talk to him and set a timeline ("If you don't propose by the time we're living together for a year, I'm moving out and getting my own place again.")...and then STICK TO IT! You'll also have to have a conversation about expectations...what does he expect you to take care of financially as well as around the house, and what are you expecting him to handle? How would money be handled? Joint account for paying bills, or separate the bills into "you pay D,E, and F, and I'll pay X,Y and Z."? These are all things that need to be discussed first.

Good luck!
 
For me, living together before marriage is a valuable experience. Personally, I would never dream of marrying someone without living with them first.

Like other ladies have said, it is important to learn things about each other (like annoyances!) that you wouldn't know if you didn't live together and get an idea of how household duties/bills will be split.

Good luck with your decision.
 
I've know many happily married couples who lived together before they got engaged. I think for couples who are very committed to each other and planning to get married in the relatively near future, it can work out very nicely

However, I do think that moving in together makes it tougher to break up if you realize the person isn't right for you. It's no longer as simple as having the "it's not you, it's me" talk and moving on with your life. Instead, you have to worry about your stuff, about finding a new place to live, etc.

Best of luck with your decision.
 
I agree with the other ladies in that it's different for every couple, however, I also agree that it gives you a unique insight to what it will actually be like living with your SO everyday before you make such a serious commitment, such as engagement or marriage. It's not always easy, because once you move in together it forces you to really confront any issues, big or small, that you have with each other. So, it gives you a chance to smooth out any hiccups earlier on. I've been living with my SO for almost two years now, and it has been a really great experience all around.
 
I definitely agree that it depends on your relationship and what values you hold dear - I do think there is no real 'standard of virtue' anymore.


My only advice is to take care of yourself first. No matter how much you love your SO and he returns those feelings, without marriage there is no binding commitment - no legal assurance or recourse if things go poorly. I would never advise making major investments in house or land or combining finances with my SO before marriage. If it is a small move for you to live with him - an extra ten minutes' drive, say, but you'll stay in the same school/keep your place of work/etc. that's much less risky than uprooting your entire life and livelihood - if moving in with him will require that you find a new job in a new city, I would strongly advise doing that and securing a position before you move.
 
My SO and I have been dating for about 4 years. We lived with each other shortly (about 4 month) during the previous year too until SO moved out of state for his Masters degree, and then I followed a year later and are again currently living together and have been since August. Once our grad. school is done, SO wants to move out West, and wants me to follow him.

I love living with my SO, but it is different than just dating. But I think it's a lot harder to take a step back once you start living together. You have to learn to address different issues that comes with living with any roommate.

I don't know. I think it's up to you really. What is your gut telling you? Does this feel like the right move? Is an engagement going to happen soon? Are you ok with it if it's not? I would talk about this situation in detail with your SO, so you both are comfortable with your decision.
 
I echo the statements of the other ladies.

It really does depend on your relationship and what's important to you.

I always thought I would hold out for the ring before I even thought about moving in together. But sometimes life just doesn't work out that way. We found this incredible house at a great price and had to jump at it. We personally felt it would have been pointless to just put the house in his name and for me to just hang out on the weekends. I knew one day that was going to be my home so I wanted it painted with certain colors & decorate it a certain way & if Im going to go ahead & put all that work into it I might as well just move in & enjoy having our home together. It just made sense for us to move in together.
 
My not wanting to move in with him has nothing to do with my virtue. I lived with my ex for five years before we broke up over his commitment issues. My boyfriend was married before, and he did not live with her before they married so that is why he would want to live together first.

When I broke up with my ex, I told myself I would never live with someone again until they were totally committed to me. I never expected that I would fall in love with someone who had been married before. It's so difficult. The thing is, I would love to live with him, but I was so burnt by my ex that I am absolutely terrified by the prospect of counting on another person and having them not live up to my expectations. I also don't want my family to be like "Oh JMF555 is moving in with ANOTHER boyfriend".

To top things off, my younger sister got engaged Thursday.
 
I don't think there's anything wrong with living together before marraige as long as all of your respective expectations are layed out beforehand. I mean, if you want living together to lead to an engagement in the near future, make sure he knows that before you both commit to living together. If he isn't sure about marriage in your future and you need that to comfortably move in, then don't move in. It really depends on the outcome of a lot of conversation between the two of you.

My only real advice is that you try and keep finances seperate until engagement/marriage regardless of your living situation. You've been in a long-term relationship before so I know you're not naive about relationships and everything being puppy dogs and roses. I've seen too many friends burned when a relationship disolves after finances have been mingled.
 
JMF5555|1292780760|2801012 said:
When I broke up with my ex, I told myself I would never live with someone again until they were totally committed to me.
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Then stick to it; I think you'll feel like you've compromised yourself if you don't.
 
With the way you explained your situation, I agree that you need to discuss with your SO your timeline and expectations. I understand his perspective as well as yours. maybe set a tentative date i.e. if we're living together and not engaged in 1 year/2 years (whatever you are comfortable with) then one of us should move out. Does he understand your history with this ex? If he doesn't then explaining may help him understand why you're cautious about moving in.
 
I agree with Indy Lady...If this is a form of protection you set up for yourself then don't give in unless you TRULY feel that it's worth the risk. I was in a similar situation & I too had the same thought running through my head. I could just picture my family shaking their heads & going "Here she goes again..." But it felt right for me to move in together...so I did it. And I don't regret it one bit.
 
JMF5555|1292780760|2801012 said:
My not wanting to move in with him has nothing to do with my virtue. I lived with my ex for five years before we broke up over his commitment issues. My boyfriend was married before, and he did not live with her before they married so that is why he would want to live together first.

When I broke up with my ex, I told myself I would never live with someone again until they were totally committed to me. I never expected that I would fall in love with someone who had been married before. It's so difficult. The thing is, I would love to live with him, but I was so burnt by my ex that I am absolutely terrified by the prospect of counting on another person and having them not live up to my expectations. I also don't want my family to be like "Oh JMF555 is moving in with ANOTHER boyfriend".

To top things off, my younger sister got engaged Thursday.
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I am in a similar situation. I lived with my ex for almost two years. When we broke up, I said I wouldn't do that again, unless I was engaged (or an engagement was going to happen soon). I have way too many friends who have lived with their BFs before any sort of concrete plan to get engaged. Most of them did eventually get engaged, but it took a long time. Stick with what you believe. Talk to your bf about your concerns.
 
I think it depends on expectations and communication. DH and I lived together for a year before we were engaged, but we went into living together planning to get engaged - we knew it was going to happen, we just wanted to live together first. We had the same expectations and the same plan the whole way through. If we were waiting for engagement to move in together we might have been engaged sooner because we were sick of living an hour apart and not seeing each other during the week days. I think it was good that we moved in together first, which is what we really wanted, while we considered engagement more seriously, instead of jumping into the engagement just to live together.

I think it can be a bad idea to live together if engagement hasn't been discussed and the couple has different expectations. Maybe the guy wants to move in together because it would be fun, but the girl wants to move in together because she thinks it means a ring is coming. If they haven't discussed this, there can be some definite hurt feelings down the road when the girl gets impatient and the guy feels ambushed.

It's all about being on the same page.
 
I think I'm echoing a lot of sentiments around here---it depends on you and depends on the couple. I agree, if you've made a personal commitment to yourself to not move in with someone until there's a ring and a date then don't feel pressured to compromise (unless you choose to move in).

I've was married before (saved myself for the wedding night as well) and did not live with my SO prior due to my upbringing. At the time, i thought it was "immoral" and frankly got married kind of young. We dated for 2 1/2 before we tied the not but aside from spending nights with each other on weekends, we did not live together. Had I lived with him for a year I would have figured out that we would be incompatible. And in a lot of ways his behavior changed a good bit once we were under the same roof.

Does he know about your ex and how that effected you? I would think he would be understanding. Moving in after your lease ends is logical and I can see why he offered that. My current boyfriend offered that when it was time for me to renew my lease last year, but I wasn't ready. When I explained why, he understood and told me I could move in whenever I felt ready. Now that we've talked about marriage and my lease is ending this month, I feel comfortable moving in.
 
Was almost done with my post and my palm hit the dang built-in mouse and erased all I wrote! So I'll short-story it for ya...

This time last year (New Year's night, 2010 as a matter of fact) my ex-husband and I got back together. Wanted me and kids to move back in with him, still loves me, wants his family back, yada yada. People here thought I was nuts. So did my family. I told him straight out I would not move in with him and just "live" with him. If he wants me back, we get married. There was no hearts and flowers proposal, no catered wedding reception, just the important stuff...us, our kids, his family, and a church. Not everyone would take that risk after what we've been through (I'll spare you the details, it was ugly and it's behind us), but I did because I knew deep down since I was 16 that this is the man I am supposed to be with. He is my heart. Despite all the hurt he caused, all the pain I went through, and what an a$$ he was, I always knew that deep down he loved me and some day we would wind up back together.

Here we are, almost a full year later, and we have overcome so much individually and as a family. He went through detox, hasn't touched alcohol since. I've been working on trusting him again. Our 4-year-old survived her aortic resection (one week before Thanksgiving day), and still has 3 holes in her heart, but we'll deal with those as the cardiologist deems necessary. Most importantly, we are not only happy as a couple, but as a family. He's building the relationships with the children that should have been built years ago, but his issues got in the way of.

So now you're thinking, "what's her point?" My point is this: sometimes when you really love someone you need to overcome the hurts of the past, the fears of the unknown and what-ifs, and take a leap of faith. It's not easy, but if you really love your bf, let him know what you really feel and what you want, he may surprise you. You have to give him that opportunity at the very least. Thank God I did!
 
You will find that some people have strong opinions either way. Personally, I don't really see a problem with it but i have read articles like this one: http://www.leaderu.com/critical/cohabitation-socio.html which makes me wonder whether it is the best decision for everyone.
At the end of the day, you have to make a decision based on your personal circumstances.
 
Winks_Elf|1292911200|2802504 said:
Was almost done with my post and my palm hit the dang built-in mouse and erased all I wrote! So I'll short-story it for ya...

This time last year (New Year's night, 2010 as a matter of fact) my ex-husband and I got back together. Wanted me and kids to move back in with him, still loves me, wants his family back, yada yada. People here thought I was nuts. So did my family. I told him straight out I would not move in with him and just "live" with him. If he wants me back, we get married. There was no hearts and flowers proposal, no catered wedding reception, just the important stuff...us, our kids, his family, and a church. Not everyone would take that risk after what we've been through (I'll spare you the details, it was ugly and it's behind us), but I did because I knew deep down since I was 16 that this is the man I am supposed to be with. He is my heart. Despite all the hurt he caused, all the pain I went through, and what an a$$ he was, I always knew that deep down he loved me and some day we would wind up back together.

Here we are, almost a full year later, and we have overcome so much individually and as a family. He went through detox, hasn't touched alcohol since. I've been working on trusting him again. Our 4-year-old survived her aortic resection (one week before Thanksgiving day), and still has 3 holes in her heart, but we'll deal with those as the cardiologist deems necessary. Most importantly, we are not only happy as a couple, but as a family. He's building the relationships with the children that should have been built years ago, but his issues got in the way of.

So now you're thinking, "what's her point?" My point is this: sometimes when you really love someone you need to overcome the hurts of the past, the fears of the unknown and what-ifs, and take a leap of faith. It's not easy, but if you really love your bf, let him know what you really feel and what you want, he may surprise you. You have to give him that opportunity at the very least. Thank God I did!
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Winks--I am a little confused. It seems to me like you're saying, "Let go of the past and give this guy a shot to prove your fears wrong" but also that you refused to 'live with' your hubs without marriage..

So, do you think that the OP should move in with her SO, or not?
 
I think she should first have an honest talk with him about why she's reluctant to move in with him. Her concerns are valid, and mine were similar. If he agrees to a year of living together, and then getting engaged, she needs to let him know that if there is no proposal at the end of that year she will be moving out. She'll never know if his intentions are honest unless he is given a chance to prove himself. It's not fair to allow mistakes of the past affect the future, especially when it wasn't him that caused her the pain.

Things get very complicated when children are involved. Moving back in with him meant I had to give up all I had worked so hard to accomplish over the few years we were apart (established custody, child support, an apartment, a different school system and friends for the kids, etc.). I needed some kind of security for myself and my children. We moved back into our home in early March, and remarried mid-April. Rather than looking at it as a brand new marriage, we both look at it as undoing a huge mistake, and have no plans to celebrate the April date.
 
Ahh ok! I see what you mean. Thanks Winks!
 
I think you really need to figure out the terms with which you'd be comfortable living with him.

As everyone has said, it's different for every individual, and for every couple. I never wanted to live with a man before marriage, but it had nothing to do with virtue. I just plain didn't feel comfortable living with someone until we were married. Part of it was that I never wanted to move out, so I definitely required a commitment, but the largest part of my decision was that living with someone is so very personal, and you have to open up so much of your private life, that I only want to do that with my husband. I'm an extremely private person in real life, though, so I think that had a lot to do with it.

If I were you, I'd spend some time really thinking about what you need to feel comfortable living with someone. Is it a time line and a promise? An actual commitment? Or, maybe you need some time to get over what happened in your past and once you have you'll feel fine living with your boyfriend without either. Whatever you do, make the decision based on what is best for you, and it will be the right decision.

Good luck!
 
Don't fight what comes naturally.

I've been living with my SO for 5 and a half years (basically the whole time we've been together). Things were probably easier for me because he moved in with me and my roomate, so if things ever didn't work out I would still be fine. After 1 year of that living situation our lease was up and we found a place of our own. This month we just moved into our house that we bought together. I think life is great, we're going to be engaged and married, and although I'm a LIW, I wouldn't have done anything differently. Why postpone the future? Listen to your gut and do what makes you happiest. Best of luck.
 
JMF5555|1292711336|2800576 said:
Do you think that living together is a good step in the direction of marriage, or do you think that a couple should not cohabitate prior to the commitment of marriage?

I ask this because my boyfriend (who I have been dating just shy of a year), asked me to move in with him when my lease is up in May. I told him no because I want to wait until I am engaged or married before I live with someone and he said that he won't get engaged or married to someone unless he lives with them first.
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My bf a long time ago brought up the fact that we should live together first. Like you, I want to get engaged, then move in together. He won't get engaged unless he lives with me first. :evil: Personally, I think my way is better, only because I lived with a guy first, and a ring never entered the picture.

The bf before him and I moved in together (technically, into his parent's basement). We were young (18), and well, he was all talk about how we're gonna save money so we can move out and get our own place. Two years later, I left him and moved back home. He made no effort to save money, to apartment hunt, etc etc...

So, that experience has left a bad taste in my mouth. My bf argues that it is important to know what it's like living with each other. While I agree, I know it is just an excuse for him to delay things further. I know that if we moved in together, I would probably never get engaged because he's "getting the milk for free."

As other's have said- every couple is different. Good luck on your decision!
 
I think it partially has to do with where you are at in life. If you're younger (like the PP was) and it's a lot of big dreams with very little reality, then it's probably better to wait simply from a standpoint of not being ready to move in or get engaged anyhow. I moved in with my previous husband when I was 19/20 and WAY too early in our relationship and I think that actually forced a proposal and marriage that would not have taken place (guarantee it wouldn't, actually). On the other hand, I also moved in with B and I couldn't be happier with the decision. We had been together for a couple of years, knew each other inside and out and we're just to much more equipped to handle the tough times that life inevitably throws at us. That said, I think that no matter what the situation is, it's always a really, REALLY good idea to sit down and have an honest talk before moving in together to come up with a pretty solid time line for when (or even IF) you'll get engaged. It doesn't get rid of the LIW syndrome completely (at least it didn't for me) but it helped a LOT to know roughly when it was coming and that he was intent on proposing within a time frame that we were both comfy with.

/end ramble

3.25 work hours left before Christmas break officially begins for me...can you tell that my brain has checked out?! :oops:

ETA: I think it's really important to trust your SO's intentions. If you can't trust them when they tell you "I will marry you and I see myself proposing around X time", then what's the point in staying in the relationship? I know that I struggle a lot with leaving the past where it belongs and not dragging other people's injustices against me into my present relationships, but it's a must. My FI didn't do those things to me, my ex did. I left him and while it still stings here and there, it's totally unfair to say "he'll do X bad behavior because that's what they all do". Just have an honest, open conversation with him and listen to what he has to say. Ask the questions that you need the answers to in order to not be afraid and you'll know what's right for you. 8)
 
Wishful, just out of curiosity, how old are you and your BF? How long have you been together?
 
I am 28 and he's 27. We've been together over 5 years. It'll be 6 years on 1/1/11
 
I'm just going to say it...living with my now-husband before marriage was the best thing I ever did.

For me, it wasn't a decision based on my virtue (that was long gone) or anything to do with funds or even needing a place to live. I wasn't test driving the relationship or him, either to be honest. It was only because I knew if we were going to be married, then I wasn't going in blind. I wanted to know if he left toothpaste in the sink or if he was the type to stay on top of the laundry or wait for massive loads before digging in. I wanted to work out the kinks before we walked down the aisle. And let me tell you, it was a great study in the male species.

There is real value in living with someone before marriage, believe me. It's a great experience if you go in knowing there is probably some adjustments to be made on both sides. Dating gives you an inch of knowledge, living together day in and out gives you a mile. You start to learn and understand things you'd never know you didn't know. It's easy to snowball or be on your best behavior with someone when you're occasionally staying the night or a few weekend getaways over the course of a year...the day to day is very, very different.

However, with that said, speak to your boyfriend ahead of time to figure out if you're working towards something bigger than being roommates. This I think is a big fear for LIW's considering moving in...you know, the whole cow/milk/free thing. Let him know that you're still interested in marriage, no matter where you're living, and regardless of cohabitation/independent living you're still actively moving in that direction. And then, keep that conversation flowing freely.

I give you the thumbs up on this venture...but going in well informed on all things you need to know!
 
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