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Q. for PSers whom decided not to have kids...

Discussion in 'Hangout' started by Dancing Fire, Jun 11, 2019.

  1. Dancing Fire
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    by Dancing Fire » Jun 11, 2019
    do you think there's a chance that you'll regret that decision later on in life?.

    Q. for PSers whom have kids...do you ever regret the decision to have kids?
     
    


    


  2. seaurchin
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    by seaurchin » Jun 11, 2019
    I have kids and have never regretted it. I feel like they've given my life much more meaning than it would have otherwise had. But just to be clear, I'm only speaking for myself and my own situation.
     
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  3. Alex T
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    by Alex T » Jun 11, 2019
    I have 2 beautiful, happy girls that I didn’t want to have. I have never been very maternal, but my husband wanted children & I agreed to have 2 in as quick a succession as possible, as I didn’t want an only child.

    It was the making of me. I adore my girls - they make my heart burst with pride! I stopped working when the first was born & have been lucky enough to completely dedicate myself to them, though I now work part time at their school heading up Safeguarding & First Aid. This leaves me free for school drop off, pick up & all school holidays. I am told almost daily by someone or other that they are a joy, they are caring, sensitive, super intelligent (get that from daddy!) & have a fantastic attitude & beautiful manners. They are also extremely witty & very popular.

    I am glad that I have been able to dedicate myself to these early years & that they have been my ‘job’ as it were. All of the love & time I have poured into them is paying off ten fold.

    Best thing I have ever, ever done, and I have done a lot :wink2:
     
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  4. Daisys and Diamonds
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    by Daisys and Diamonds » Jun 11, 2019
    i never even played with baby dolls
    i knew from at least 6 years old i didn't want kids
    i have a million well thought out reasons why
    i often think if people who had kids put as much effort into desiding to have kuds as i have in not having them, there would be no unwanted children in the world
    (not you Dancing fire) but it can be very hurtful when people say "you will change your mind" like no one wouod say to a pregnant lady ' oh you will change your mind '

    us, the childless by choice actually feel the brunt of alot of hostility and passive aggression for our desision not to have childrem
    for example i have a cat - she is not a substitute for a baby - she is more like a best friend but one still gets labeled as a crazy cat lady even though plenty of families have cats

    my heart goes out to.couples with fitility issues but that has zero to do with me

    getting older (47) its a tiny bit scary the thought of aging alone - my other half is 19 years older with children a tiny bit younger than me - we have been together almost 20 years
    anyway its a little bit scary to be thinking of getting old alone but i view that as the most selfish reason to have children
     
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  5. AV_
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    by AV_ » Jun 11, 2019
    No father, no kids.

    This choice comes out of my life - out of which nothing is a rule; this ought to go without saying...
     
  6. missy
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    by missy » Jun 11, 2019
    We never regretted our choice.

    I don't have a maternal bone in my body. I never wanted human children. From the time I was little to the present time. My sister OTOH is the opposite and from the time she was a little girl she longed to have children of her own. And she does. 2 wonderful amazing kids.

    One of the reasons I never wanted human kids was because of the pain I would feel should something terrible happen to them. I know it sounds crazy to make a decision based on that and it was only part of my decision but it was a part of the reason I did not want human children. And when we lose our furbabies it reinforces my decision because the pain I am feeling right now is almost unbearable. I say almost because somehow I am going on despite wanting to give up.

    So to answer your question no I never regretted the choice and atm I am regretting the choice to have fur baby kids. :(:(:(
     
  7. OoohShiny
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    by OoohShiny » Jun 11, 2019
    Don't forget, missy - there can be no light without dark, as each helps define the other!

    I was at a funeral the other week, for a chap with whom I worked, who passed quite unexpectedly :( but I thought the choice of reading was inspirational - and relevant here :)

    Let Us Be Contented - Winston Churchill
    Let us be contented with what has happened and be thankful for all that we have been spared.
    Let us accept the natural order of things in which we move.
    Let us reconcile ourselves to the mysterious rhythm of our destinies, such as they must be in this world of space and time.
    Let us treasure our joys but not bewail our sorrows.
    The glory of light cannot exist without its shadows.
    Life is a whole, and good and ill must be accepted together.
    The journey has been enjoyable and well worth making-----once.
     
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  8. missy
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    by missy » Jun 11, 2019
    Thank you @OoohShiny. The wise words you shared above are bringing a cascade of tears falling onto my computer screen. Thank you for taking the time to share this with me. And generally yes I believe the wisdom of those words. But right now, feeling as I do with our sweet little girl suffering and scared I don't believe them. Sometimes I feel no life is better than this life. The way I am feeling now is coming from a place of deep grief and pain because my little girl is suffering. There will be no comfort for any of us til we are able to relieve her suffering. And of course then the real mourning begins. I am sorry to share such dark thoughts but this is how I am feeling in this moment and I do not see it changing anytime soon. Our sweet little girl is dying and in pain and all we can do is wait til we have a more definitive diagnosis to know what if any actions we can take. There is no emoticon sad enough to illustrate our pain.
     
  9. ame
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    by ame » Jun 11, 2019
    Nope.
     
  10. bludiva
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    by bludiva » Jun 11, 2019
    I've read research that found the only people who regretted their choice were those who wanted kids and couldn't or didn't have them for whatever reason. I was pretty ambivalent about it - I could see a path to a happy, fulfilling life with or without. No kids and no regrets so far. My sister on the other hand couldn't wait to have a family and her life is all about her kids, she loves every minute.

    I take issue with the extent to which society pressures us, especially women, to couple up, get married, have kids, and treats those who don't like something is wrong with them. The rude and patronizing comments I got from well meaning family and friends for years would boggle your mind. Hope we come to a place where we can respect people's choices.
     
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  11. VRBeauty
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    by VRBeauty » Jun 11, 2019
    As a child, I fully expected to grow up and start having kids at about age 25. After I’d been married for a year few years, after I gone to school and had a chance to start a career. 25 came around I wasn’t ready. When 30 came around I wasn’t ready. At 31 I found out that I had already gone through menopause and could not have kids. It was a very painful time.

    But the truth is, I wasn’t ready to be married or have children at 20, 25, or 30 in part because of insecurities that would have made me a terrible partner and mother. Although some part of me knew that at the time, I’m now much more aware of it and grateful that I did not have children to raise. So to answer your question - at this point, no regrets. But That hasn’t always been the case.
     
  12. arkieb1
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    by arkieb1 » Jun 11, 2019
    It's interesting you say that Missy, because my brother died when he was 6, a young couple (I went to school with them) who lived next door to my parent's daughter died in a quad bike accident which was hit by a large 4Wheel drive. My parents used to babysit their kids etc because at the time I was away from home at University, and they treated their two children like grandchildren. The girl who died was 8 and my parents and grandmother were deeply deeply upset at the time.

    I was only able to have one son and I think all parents worry about their kids (if they are good parents) their entire lives, but having lost children in my family what you have articulated above is something I reflect upon a lot.

    But no, I don't regret having my son. He brings eternal joy into my life.
     
  13. CareBear
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    by CareBear » Jun 11, 2019
    I don't know anyone who made the decision to not have kids, who regretted it later in life. I was neutral about kids or no kids, leaning slightly towards no kids. But I had them and have no regrets about it. But had I not had them, I don't think I would have regretted it either. No offense to anyone else here, but I'm not a mom who can't imagine her life without kids. I was married many years without kids and life was great! More sleep, more money, more time, and more freedom . :lol::lol::lol:
     
  14. StephanieLynn
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    by StephanieLynn » Jun 11, 2019
    If you asked me as a kid what I wanted to be when I grew up the answer was a mom. My mom was my hero growing up, she was home during the day cooking and cleaning and all that stuff and then worked at the bank at night.

    When I got pregnant with my first son I was shocked and not very happy, I was 27 and he was not planned, we had been married 3 months when I got pregnant. At one point I had to go to the hospital because I couldn't feel him moving, they hooked me up to be monitored and he was fine. I was still hooked up when they brought in another mother for the same thing in the next bed over and there was no fetal movement on her monitor. That was the game changer, I was so sorry for her and yet my son was okay, my perspective changed after that.

    Thankful for my kids and don't retret having them even though they fight constantly, I'm also thankful for wine :lickout:
     
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  15. elizat
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    by elizat » Jun 11, 2019
    I don't have children of my own. I'm a stepmom to a 12 year old boy. It's hard. Really hard. We do one week on and one week off. Mom lives less than 2 miles from us. I'm the additional parent he did not want and I am the one that gets snapped at a lot, ignored in conversation at the dinner table, etc. Dad corrects him, but it's not easy being a stepparent.

    My dad was not in the picture. My mom married the man I call dad and adopted me. It's funny that I'm in the same spot as my dad as an adult. My younger brother is 13 years younger than me. I used to joke I saw what raising a baby and then teenager was like, so I didn't want to do it.

    For years, I was sure I wanted no kids at all. Now, nearing 38, sometimes I get a twinge. I hope I don't come to regret it, but we have decided not to have any. It's not practical. I work over 60 hours a week as a lawyer. I can't do pick up and drop off for school or day care. I don't get home until much later. I do work from home one or two days a week, but that's to maintain a reasonable stress level. Like today. Plus, the child would be graduating high school with a dad that would be at least 60. I know a lot of people do that, but I don't see it working for us.

    And, being honest, my parenting style would be too different than my better half. He's laid back, unstructured, and very different than I would be. I was raised with a lot of structure, chores, strict punishments, etc. We have talked about it and believe that our parenting styles would clash strongly, to the point where it would cause harm to our relationship. As a stepparent, I don't push boundaries. I know how his mom and dad do things. But if it was my child, I would be very different and I know that.
     
    


    


  16. baby monster
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    by baby monster » Jun 11, 2019
    I don't regret it but also feel overstretched most of the time. There's a saying that people get promoted just beyond their level of competency and I feel I had one child just beyond being able to handle them. Some of my married friends who had only one seem to be in a much more comfortable spot mentally and emotionally.
     
  17. MissStepcut
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    by MissStepcut » Jun 11, 2019
    It’s funny you should ask. When I became pregnant with my now 6 year old on accident, a Pricescoper actually told me I shouldn’t have her. I was in law school and both me and my then-boyfriend were headed for “biglaw” (large law firms). So maybe I have had more time to really wonder if I made the right choice than most.

    I’ll admit, I haven’t been the world’s most involved mom. Biglaw can be pretty brutal, and I have worked full time the entire 6 years I have been doing it (other than maternity leave with my second). It’s a lot of late nights. A few missed parents nights. Never there at gymnastics practice. A lovely set of au pairs and grandparents have had to step in and do much of the heavy lifting.

    I guess in some ways, when faced with the choice to either sacrifice my job, or time with my kids, my job has won. It’s also been a wonderful, fulfilling, exciting run. I really love my job and what I have accomplished so far.

    So I have nothing to regret, for myself. I’ve had all the joys of parenthood. Of course my children are my deepest joy. Watching them grow, and thrive, and become themselves, well. As any parent will tell you, there’s nothing like it. But I suppose we will see what my children say, as they age, about the balance of my priorities and the choices I have made. My best hope is that they will choose the same, and try to take their professional lives as far as they can while also having families. But I am afraid some day they will ask me why I put so much into my work.
     
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  18. chrono
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    by chrono » Jun 11, 2019
    What's done is done. Can't take back the past since the future cannot be foreseen. Therefore, have no regrets. Make the best of now and the future!
     
  19. dk168
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    by dk168 » Jun 11, 2019
    I baby sat a family friend's first born when he was about a month old for 2 weeks, and thought if that was what having kids was about, then I would not want any.

    That baby will be 36 in August, and I have not regretted that decision once, except when I saw cute baby clothes in the early days of Gap Kids and Baby Gap. I reminded myself dressing a teddy bear in these clothes would be cheaper and less hassle.

    Much prefer fur babies.

    DK :))
     
  20. bling_dream19
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    by bling_dream19 » Jun 11, 2019
    Oh my heart goes out to you Missy. Sending you a hug and comfort in this sad time.
     
  21. bling_dream19
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    by bling_dream19 » Jun 11, 2019
    This is what I am struggling with currently. I have been told all of my life how great I am with kids and I do adore kids. However, I felt my most maternal at age 18. I was ready to get married and have kids. However, I went to college because I felt that's what I should do and I am glad I got my education. I got married shortly after at age 23 and was married for 13 years. Once I got married, I felt like I already had a child (my ex) and I couldn't fathom having a child and having to work and do everything. So, I never had kids and it does make me sad.
    I am in my 40's and future hubby in later 50's. I'm not even sure if I could carry a child. He really doesn't want kids and has one adult son. I am extremely sensitive and I don't think I can handle the hurt a child has to go through in this world and to not be able to protect them at all times. My fiance sees how sensitive I am and thinks the pain of the tough times with kids would be too much for me. At times, I think he's right and other times I think I could do it.
    For now, I'm content not having kids. I'm getting to the place where I think people might be wondering why does she not have kids? I am also getting scared about being old and alone due to the large age gap with future hubby. I would never have kids to take care of me when I'm old. I will make other plans. My dad says not to worry and enjoy today. I am trying to listen to his words of wisdom.
    Interesting you asked this question Dancing Fire. Thanks for listening.
     
  22. bling_dream19
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    by bling_dream19 » Jun 11, 2019

    I can totally relate to you Daisy and Diamonds.
     
  23. Calliecake
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    by Calliecake » Jun 11, 2019
    I really wanted to have children and could not have any. I have a great life but will always wish I had children.
     
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  24. eapj
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    by eapj » Jun 11, 2019
    When I grew up, I dreamt of working in an office, not of being a mom. My husband has always wanted kids and because I loved him, I agreed to try with the understanding that he'd have to do the heavy lifting. Thankfully for me, no pregnancy after 12 years so clearly we're infertile. My husband won't talk about it since it makes him so sad. I often feel like I dodged a bullet since I couldn't get pregnant. I love kids but am content to be a fun aunt. I never heard the maternal clock ticking.

    I'm 45 and when my parents died (I was 38 and 40), I did struggle a bit with the meaning of life since I didn't have any kids. I've mostly gotten over that.

    Do I regret not having any? No. Do I wish I had more meaning in my life other than work, husband, and my dogs? Yes. But that is probably completely unrelated to not having kids.I never think that a few kids would make me happier or more content.
     
  25. marymm
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    by marymm » Jun 11, 2019
    no kids, no regrets
     
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  26. GliderPoss
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    by GliderPoss » Jun 11, 2019
    It's honestly the question you can never really answer! I don't have kids and now having recently split from my husband at mid-30's it seems rather unlikely to happen either; but I'm sort of on the fence about it...:eh: if it happens - great, if it doesn't (we've tried before with no luck) then that's ok too! I'm very blessed to have many nieces & nephews in my life to spoil. :love: No point in getting upset over something which seems out of my control...
     
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  27. Bron357
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    by Bron357 » Jun 11, 2019
    We have the one, late and unexpected. A surprise and gift.
    I wasn’t the maternal type, I think because I’d already accepted that a child wasn’t going to feature in my life having ending my first marriage in my late 30s and having contrary health issues.
    I remember thinking it bizarre that we had to have references and a home check when we adopted our Whippet puppy yet the hospital sent us out the door with a brand new baby without batting an eyelid. It was hilarious, in the carpark we couldn’t work out how to put her in the baby capsule while supporting her neck! Fortunately an “experienced” parent walked by and helped us out.
    Though I think really wanting to have a baby and not being able to would be the hardest and most painful life experience.
    We had to weather comments like “only one child, you know it’s always better to have a sibling so they aren’t all alone when you die”. Making me feel selfish for not having at least 2. Geez, getting the 1 was a miracle!
    Worse was standing in a social gathering with a married, successful career type and childless woman in her 40’s and having someone comment “so you decided to devote yourself to your career rather than have a family?”.
    It assumes she HAD a choice. Maybe she had fertility issues, maybe she has hidden health issues. How cruel and insensitive is such a question or assumption if underneath her suit business suit is a heart is broken because try as she might, want as she did, no baby eventuated?
    We do Lure Coursing with our dog. There is a lovely couple there, childless but 3 lovely dogs. A few others bring their smaller kids along to events and it’s obvious that this couple love children. We’ve enjoyed many events with this lovely couple. It made me sad when she said to me quite false brightly “in case you’re wondering, we would have loved some kids but it wasn’t to be”. I felt awful for her, she didn’t want me to think she was “anti kids” or anything so had to share that information with me.
    So everyone, the next couple or woman you meet who hasn’t had kids, say and assume nothing. Not everyone wants kids and sadly not everyone who wants one can have one.
     
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  28. Dandi
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    by Dandi » Jun 11, 2019
    I was always quite ambivalent about having children, our dogs were our babies for years...often they were all I could think about! My husband has always wanted kids, for me it was a case of 'if it happens, great, if it doesn't, we will have a full and happy life in other ways'. I LOVE my career and was very reluctant to step away from it even, for a short time. We have a son (6.5) and a daughter (3) and honestly, they fill our lives in ways we never thought possible. I would never in a million years change a thing, apart from DH really wanting a third, I'm firmly in the NO camp there! :mrgreen: I love the balance I have between being home with them but still working 2 full days a week.
     
  29. Gussie
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    by Gussie » Jun 12, 2019
    No regrets here. When I had my first at 32, I was very career focused, trying to juggle my career ambitions and family obligations. A few years later, I was pregnant with my 2nd child and we had just moved for my husband's career. I planned to go back to work after she was born. In fact, it was all I thought about, admittedly I was a bit resentful over moving for his career and putting mine on hold. Plans changed when my son was diagnosed with leukemia just 2 days after we moved to Houston. My whole world changed on a dime. I was 8 months pregnant, we were living in a corporate apartment, DH's insurance hadn't even started (thank goodness for COBRA). And what was a simple case of very curable leukemia rapidly changed when my son had life threatening side effects from the chemo. He had a gastric bleed that required major surgery while having zero neutrophils, meaning any infection would be devastating. He had several other complications as well including an antibiotic resistant bacteria in his intestinal tract. He was in the hospital for 6 weeks, 2 weeks in ICU. A few days after we went home, I went back to the hospital to have my daughter! It was a very stressful time to say the least. But we made it through, stronger as individuals and as a family. My son is a gift from God, as are my other children (another daughter a few years later). I am very blessed that I have had an opportunity to stay at home with them since DH's career took off. All thoughts of my career left after the experience. It is all as it was meant to be. I am grateful for the entirety of it.
     
  30. AV_
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    by AV_ » Jun 12, 2019
    If you ask them now to ask, they might request a round of icecream - what do kids know they want... (of course, I only know one kid that well - yours truly of once upon a time)

    -
     

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