PS input Needed please

[Rockinruby]

I haven't ever shared this type of thing on PS. However, DH & I are having a debate so thought I would get your input if you don't mind.

DH & I decided to go out and grab dinner tonight at a local restaurant. On the way out my DH taps me on the shoulder and alerts me that my family is immediately to my right. I literally have to pass them to exit out the door. Of course, we stop to say hello and exchange pleasantries. Sitting at the table are my Mom, step dad, step brother, his wife & kids, aunt & uncle, great niece and a few other family members. My step grandma is at the head of the very large table. They were celebrating her 94th birthday. She's especially confused by DH & I being there because she was told we were "too busy" to make it. We were not invited.

Just an aside that DH & I had lunch with my Mom & step dad a few days ago and nothing was mentioned. My Mom also lives over an hour away so it's not like she just ran out to an impromptu dinner. My step dad seems totally confused as does our Aunt & Uncle because my Mom has told them we were not available.

I felt extremely awkward, but smiled and wished Grandma a Happy Birthday. She kept saying she didn't understand how we could be there when she was told we were not available. Anyhow, DH said I handled it very gracefully. He doesn't know how I didn't call my mom out and embarrass her. This kind of thing has happened all throughout my life (to me & other family members or friends) so it's easier for me to ignore. However, DH is fuming and wants me to send an email to my aunt to ask them to contact us directly from now on rather than pass an invite through my Mom.

Should I set the record straight that we were not invited?

Also, does anyone have a family member that pulls things like this? If so, how do you handle it? Confront or ignore?

 

[AGBF]

Re: PS input please on an etiquette question

First, I am sorry that this happened to you. Second, I do not believe that this is an etiquette question. Not properly speaking. The only thing that came to my mind when I thought about the situation is that I have always believed the saying that good manners is making other people feel comfortable. Recently when one of my father's aides didn't realize that he was eating a family size lasagne with a fork by himself, I put away the server I had put out on the table before he saw it in case he became embarrassed. (He later told me he thought the dinner had been meant for more than one person.) In your situation I think that good manners would be to do whatever would make people the most comfortable. Would it be possible to tell your step-grandmother that you and your husband were having a special, romantic dinner that had been planned in advance so as not to hurt her feelings? Or maybe an even more creative excuse? My idea is to shield her feelings without exposing your mother as a liar.

Again, I am so sorry. You must be very hurt.

Hugs,
Deb

 

[distracts]

Re: PS input please on an etiquette question

Recently when one of my father's aides didn't realize that he was eating a family size lasagne with a fork by himself, I put away the server I had put out on the table before he saw it in case he became embarrassed. (He later told me he thought the dinner had been meant for more than one person.)

I love this story because he's trying to be polite to you by eating what he thinks is his meal, even if it's overwhelming, and you're trying to be polite to him by putting the serving implement away!

Personally, while I don't know how you handled it at the restaurant, I think when you encounter something like that at the time it is fine to go with the flow - but I would email your aunt a note to say that you never received an invitation and to please pass along invitations to you rather than through your mother (and, if not wanting to out your mom as a liar, include something like "she forgets these things so often!"). That gets you the invitations so you don't look like the bad guy, while letting your mom skate by.

 

[monarch64]

Oof. I would not do anything as it is not your responsibility to have let anyone know why or even THAT you would not be attending. Definitely awkward, and I believe your mother owes you a sincere and heartfelt apology for not being straightforward with the rest of the family and letting them know she did not invite you (I think that's what I understood from your post?) or that you were not invited. However, be prepared to never receive said apology as she was obviously not expecting to see you there and probably feels pretty embarrassed/ashamed now and sounds like the kind of person who can't assume responsibility for her wrongdoings. I'm sorry to hear this happened. Families are weird, yo.

 

[Rockinruby]

Re: PS input please on an etiquette question

First, I am sorry that this happened to you. Second, I do not believe that this is an etiquette question. Not properly speaking. The only thing that came to my mind when I thought about the situation is that I have always believed the saying that good manners is making other people feel comfortable. Recently when one of my father's aides didn't realize that he was eating a family size lasagne with a fork by himself, I put away the server I had put out on the table before he saw it in case he became embarrassed. (He later told me he thought the dinner had been meant for more than one person.) In your situation I think that good manners would be to do whatever would make people the most comfortable. Would it be possible to tell your step-grandmother that you and your husband were having a special, romantic dinner that had been planned in advance so as not to hurt her feelings? Or maybe an even more creative excuse? My idea is to shield her feelings without exposing your mother as a liar.

Again, I am so sorry. You must be very hurt.

Hugs,
Deb

Thank you for responding. I was not sure of what to say when we saw them in the restaurant. I was rather shocked, but my first impulse was to not let on so that my grandmother wouldn't feel bad that we were not invited. I didn't want her to have a shadow cast on her celebration. I know she would feel bad if she knew we weren't invited. Plus she has never liked my Mom so I didn't want to add another stress on their relationship. Anyhow, I said that we would stop by the nursing home on her actual bday this coming week to visit her since we missed the dinner. She is the only living grandparent that I have left so we would have definitely gone if invited. Our anniversary was earlier this week so it would be easy to say we were sharing a private dinner at the restaurant.

I appreciate the story about your father's aide. That was a very classy way to handle it.

Btw, Thank you for the hug! It was needed!

 

[LadyMCh]

Re: PS input please on an etiquette question

Ooh! My solution is 180 degrees the opposite of Deb's.
I am not a doormat and would not allow my own mother to make me one. I would 100% set the record straight and make it crystal clear you were not invited. If they state that they thought your mother had invited you, just say, "I'm sorry, but she must be mistaken. We would've loved to have attended had we been invited." This also gives you a great opportunity to give out your contact information and ask to be contacted directly, lest your mother get *confused* again.
I would also speak to my mother about her "etiquette"; there is clearly a lot of deception that went on behind your back on her part, which would sufficiently chap my backside. I would not feel sad or hurt; I would be livid.
What is the point in making others feel comfortable when you only stand to show that you will tolerate this kind of rude behavior? You even state that this is a pattern of behavior on your mother's part. People will treat you how you let them... Continuing to do what they get away with. Also, I disagree in telling white lies to save your face or someone else's... And I certainly would not consider that to be "good manners". I would rather be honest, even if that means being a little abrasive. It is not necessary to smear her to her in laws , but I would most definitely have a firm talk with my mom (or anyone else that tried to pull this over on me) about why that kind of behavior is unacceptable.

 

[Rockinruby]

Re: PS input please on an etiquette question

Recently when one of my father's aides didn't realize that he was eating a family size lasagne with a fork by himself, I put away the server I had put out on the table before he saw it in case he became embarrassed. (He later told me he thought the dinner had been meant for more than one person.)

I love this story because he's trying to be polite to you by eating what he thinks is his meal, even if it's overwhelming, and you're trying to be polite to him by putting the serving implement away!

Personally, while I don't know how you handled it at the restaurant, I think when you encounter something like that at the time it is fine to go with the flow - but I would email your aunt a note to say that you never received an invitation and to please pass along invitations to you rather than through your mother (and, if not wanting to out your mom as a liar, include something like "she forgets these things so often!"). That gets you the invitations so you don't look like the bad guy, while letting your mom skate by.

I just hugged my grandma and wished her a Happy Birthday. There wasn't much else that I could say. I definitely put a good face on it so that my grandma wouldn't feel badly on her special day. My Mom didn't say much at all. The family members were all looking to her because she had told them we were busy. I think most of them have been on the receiving end of her antics so they probably wondered what was going on. My aunt isn't a big fan of my Mom. If I do say anything it might be best to say she must have forgotten to invite us. That's a good suggestion. Thank you!

 

[Rockinruby]

Re: PS input please on an etiquette question

Ooh! My solution is 180 degrees the opposite of Deb's.
I am not a doormat and would not allow my own mother to make me one. I would 100% set the record straight and make it crystal clear you were not invited. If they state that they thought your mother had invited you, just say, "I'm sorry, but she must be mistaken. We would've loved to have attended had we been invited." This also gives you a great opportunity to give out your contact information and ask to be contacted directly, lest your mother get *confused* again.
I would also speak to my mother about her "etiquette"; there is clearly a lot of deception that went on behind your back on her part, which would sufficiently chap my backside. I would not feel sad or hurt; I would be livid.
What is the point in making others feel comfortable when you only stand to show that you will tolerate this kind of rude behavior? You even state that this is a pattern of behavior on your mother's part. People will treat you how you let them... Continuing to do what they get away with. Also, I disagree in telling white lies to save your face or someone else's... And I certainly would not consider that to be "good manners". I would rather be honest, even if that means being a little abrasive. It is not necessary to smear her to her in laws , but I would most definitely have a firm talk with my mom (or anyone else that tried to pull this over on me) about why that kind of behavior is unacceptable.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I agree that people will treat you in ways that you let them. This is definitely a pattern within the family. Sometimes I feel that I'm crazy, but it almost seems as if my Mom purposely causes drama at times. I always used to let it go when I was younger, but got to a point where I started calling her out on things several years ago. Unfortunately, that has caused problems in the relationship because she does not like it unless you go along with her.

 

[Rockinruby]

Oof. I would not do anything as it is not your responsibility to have let anyone know why or even THAT you would not be attending. Definitely awkward, and I believe your mother owes you a sincere and heartfelt apology for not being straightforward with the rest of the family and letting them know she did not invite you (I think that's what I understood from your post?) or that you were not invited. However, be prepared to never receive said apology as she was obviously not expecting to see you there and probably feels pretty embarrassed/ashamed now and sounds like the kind of person who can't assume responsibility for her wrongdoings. I'm sorry to hear this happened. Families are weird, yo.

Yes, you understood correctly. She didn't pass on the invite to me plus told them I said I was "too busy" to attend. I would be totally shocked if she apologized. I don't think she's truly ever thought that she is wrong in any situation. I'm sorry that it happened too. I appreciate your support. I agree that family dynamics are weird.

 

[Gypsy]

Re: PS input please on an etiquette question

Ooh! My solution is 180 degrees the opposite of Deb's.
I am not a doormat and would not allow my own mother to make me one. I would 100% set the record straight and make it crystal clear you were not invited. If they state that they thought your mother had invited you, just say, "I'm sorry, but she must be mistaken. We would've loved to have attended had we been invited." This also gives you a great opportunity to give out your contact information and ask to be contacted directly, lest your mother get *confused* again.
I would also speak to my mother about her "etiquette"; there is clearly a lot of deception that went on behind your back on her part, which would sufficiently chap my backside. I would not feel sad or hurt; I would be livid.
What is the point in making others feel comfortable when you only stand to show that you will tolerate this kind of rude behavior? You even state that this is a pattern of behavior on your mother's part. People will treat you how you let them... Continuing to do what they get away with. Also, I disagree in telling white lies to save your face or someone else's... And I certainly would not consider that to be "good manners". I would rather be honest, even if that means being a little abrasive. It is not necessary to smear her to her in laws , but I would most definitely have a firm talk with my mom (or anyone else that tried to pull this over on me) about why that kind of behavior is unacceptable.

This.

My mother is a narcissist She is never wrong.

I had to learn to stand up to her. And establish VERY firm boundaries, with VERY firm CONSEQUENCES so that she would learn to respect me. It took years and a lot of therapy.

You need to draw the line and enforce it. Otherwise she will NOT respect you.

 

[missy]

Hi rockinruby, I am sorry you are dealing with this unhappy situation and that it is part of a pattern that is repeating itself. I wouldn't turn the other cheek like Deb would because I feel that you are enabling this bad behavior by doing that. Since you are asking our opinions I am sharing truthfully what I would do and I realize there is no one right answer that suits everyone but this is the only way I would handle this situation.

When you visit your step grandmother for her birthday I would explain exactly what happened so she knows you didn't blow off her celebration. I am sorry she will most likely be upset with your mom but this is what happened and would you rather she be upset and think you don't care about her? She already doesn't care for your mom as you write so truly it is what it is and no matter what you do it is an unhappy situation. She should know you would have attended her birthday dinner and that you do care and love her. I feel that takes precedence over her feeling upset (and rightly so) with your mom. And this way she also realizes in the future to contact you directly when inviting the family for special occasions.

So sorry you are dealing with an unfortunate family dynamic and wishing you a good resolution. And sending you big (((hugs))).


ETA: Deb the story you shared about your dad's aide is very different IMO. He didn't do anything malicious or cause hurt to anyone so what you did was the right thing and most gracious thing to do. And I agree with your actions and would have done exactly the same under those circumstances. Good for you and I agree in being a gracious host and always making your guests feel comfortable. And I bet he loved your delicious lasagna. This situation with Rockinruby's family IMO is very different though.

 

[marymm]

Re: PS input please on an etiquette question

Ooh! My solution is 180 degrees the opposite of Deb's.
I am not a doormat and would not allow my own mother to make me one. I would 100% set the record straight and make it crystal clear you were not invited. If they state that they thought your mother had invited you, just say, "I'm sorry, but she must be mistaken. We would've loved to have attended had we been invited." This also gives you a great opportunity to give out your contact information and ask to be contacted directly, lest your mother get *confused* again.
I would also speak to my mother about her "etiquette"; there is clearly a lot of deception that went on behind your back on her part, which would sufficiently chap my backside. I would not feel sad or hurt; I would be livid.
What is the point in making others feel comfortable when you only stand to show that you will tolerate this kind of rude behavior? You even state that this is a pattern of behavior on your mother's part. People will treat you how you let them... Continuing to do what they get away with. Also, I disagree in telling white lies to save your face or someone else's... And I certainly would not consider that to be "good manners". I would rather be honest, even if that means being a little abrasive. It is not necessary to smear her to her in laws , but I would most definitely have a firm talk with my mom (or anyone else that tried to pull this over on me) about why that kind of behavior is unacceptable.

I agree with this advice 100%.

I will add it seems strange that an invitation meant for you and your DH would be delivered through a middleman (your mom)? Is this the custom in your family? I would have thought that separate invitations to family get-togethers would be sent to each household whether by phone, email, snail mail, whatever, excepting perhaps situations where multiple adult relatives live in the same house? Perhaps take a moment to send out a letter/email to your extended family (excepting your mother) with your address/email/phone?

And, me, since apparently you've already had this talk with your mom, I'm not sure I'd bring it up with her again; I'd just make sure the work-around was in place (meaning everyone in your extended family newly received your direct contact info).

 

[Arcadian]

This is kind of a rock and a hard place in a way.

I'm the type of person that would say something. My mother knows me well....lol and she knows never put me in THAT position because every one of her children got her mouth Love that woman to death but I've publically told her," momma, don't be an *******."

You and your mother aren't on the same page, but its time to get there. You may not want to put her in a bad light, but she doesn't seem to have a problem doing that to you. Reel it in.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I am so sorry that this happened to you Rockinruby. I don't really have any advice that anyone else has not given you, but I think you handled the situation with grace. As much as I agree with LadyMch, had you confronted your mom there, it would have tainted the whole evening for your grandma. Your willingness to put others before yourself shows your character. Well done.

I would wonder why your mom would do something like that. Is she always hurtful like that? I would definitely have to have a word with her at some point about it.

I agree with Monnie, families can be weird and real jerks at times. I am pretty sure everyone has at least one person who does rude and hurtful things. Again, so sorry that you have had to deal with this.

 

[Rockinruby]

Re: PS input please on an etiquette question

Ooh! My solution is 180 degrees the opposite of Deb's.
I am not a doormat and would not allow my own mother to make me one. I would 100% set the record straight and make it crystal clear you were not invited. If they state that they thought your mother had invited you, just say, "I'm sorry, but she must be mistaken. We would've loved to have attended had we been invited." This also gives you a great opportunity to give out your contact information and ask to be contacted directly, lest your mother get *confused* again.
I would also speak to my mother about her "etiquette"; there is clearly a lot of deception that went on behind your back on her part, which would sufficiently chap my backside. I would not feel sad or hurt; I would be livid.
What is the point in making others feel comfortable when you only stand to show that you will tolerate this kind of rude behavior? You even state that this is a pattern of behavior on your mother's part. People will treat you how you let them... Continuing to do what they get away with. Also, I disagree in telling white lies to save your face or someone else's... And I certainly would not consider that to be "good manners". I would rather be honest, even if that means being a little abrasive. It is not necessary to smear her to her in laws , but I would most definitely have a firm talk with my mom (or anyone else that tried to pull this over on me) about why that kind of behavior is unacceptable.

This.

My mother is a narcissist She is never wrong.

I had to learn to stand up to her. And establish VERY firm boundaries, with VERY firm CONSEQUENCES so that she would learn to respect me. It took years and a lot of therapy.

You need to draw the line and enforce it. Otherwise she will NOT respect you.

Gypsy, thank you for your insight. I read one of your posts on a thread a long time ago that triggered my brain. I promptly left the thread and did a Google search on narcissist parents. A lot of things clicked for me after reading some of the stories and comments.

Unfortunately the consequence of not seeing people that choose to distance themselves doesn't seem to phase her one bit.

I'm glad you reminded me to stick with solid boundaries.

 

[Rockinruby]

Re: PS input please on an etiquette question

Ooh! My solution is 180 degrees the opposite of Deb's.
I am not a doormat and would not allow my own mother to make me one. I would 100% set the record straight and make it crystal clear you were not invited. If they state that they thought your mother had invited you, just say, "I'm sorry, but she must be mistaken. We would've loved to have attended had we been invited." This also gives you a great opportunity to give out your contact information and ask to be contacted directly, lest your mother get *confused* again.
I would also speak to my mother about her "etiquette"; there is clearly a lot of deception that went on behind your back on her part, which would sufficiently chap my backside. I would not feel sad or hurt; I would be livid.
What is the point in making others feel comfortable when you only stand to show that you will tolerate this kind of rude behavior? You even state that this is a pattern of behavior on your mother's part. People will treat you how you let them... Continuing to do what they get away with. Also, I disagree in telling white lies to save your face or someone else's... And I certainly would not consider that to be "good manners". I would rather be honest, even if that means being a little abrasive. It is not necessary to smear her to her in laws , but I would most definitely have a firm talk with my mom (or anyone else that tried to pull this over on me) about why that kind of behavior is unacceptable.

I agree with this advice 100%.

I will add it seems strange that an invitation meant for you and your DH would be delivered through a middleman (your mom)? Is this the custom in your family? I would have thought that separate invitations to family get-togethers would be sent to each household whether by phone, email, snail mail, whatever, excepting perhaps situations where multiple adult relatives live in the same house? Perhaps take a moment to send out a letter/email to your extended family (excepting your mother) with your address/email/phone?

And, me, since apparently you've already had this talk with your mom, I'm not sure I'd bring it up with her again; I'd just make sure the work-around was in place (meaning everyone in your extended family newly received your direct contact info).

Yes, it's the norm for us. I'm not sure why, but my Mom likes to be the one to alert whoever is on our side of the family. I haven't lived at home since I was 17 so it's not like I need her to handle invitations for me. I think she just likes the control of it for obvious reasons. Most of them are not on fb and my half sister, mom & step dad don't do email either so invitations are usually just a phone call letting you know the time & place. Unless it's a formal affair or wedding in which case most would send out an invitation.

All of the input from PS members has made me realize that I need to contact the other family members to let them know to contact me directly. Thank you!

 

[Rockinruby]

This is kind of a rock and a hard place in a way.

I'm the type of person that would say something. My mother knows me well....lol and she knows never put me in THAT position because every one of her children got her mouth Love that woman to death but I've publically told her," momma, don't be an *******."

You and your mother aren't on the same page, but its time to get there. You may not want to put her in a bad light, but she doesn't seem to have a problem doing that to you. Reel it in.

I definitely would have said something in most circumstances. However, my grandma is getting more frail and I didn't want to cast a shadow on her special night. She was very excited to be "out on the town" because she doesn't leave the nursing home a lot.

DH is convinced that my Mom was in full blown CYA mode after we walked off. Especially as she said we were too busy to come, but then here we are not busy at all.

 

[redwood66]

Oh my goodness I am so sorry this happened to you. I am sure you felt very awkward. I agree with others who have said a note to your aunt would be appropriate and you can add that maybe your mom forgot to invite you. Your mom should be fully aware of the awkwardness she created the moment she saw you.

I cannot leave a blatant act of disrespect alone, but this also creates strife in my family when I stick up for myself.

 

[azstonie]

I'm so sorry you were in this position BUT its a great wakeup call for you in terms of not allowing your mother to GATEKEEP your life.

(Full Disclosure: I'm estranged from my personality disordered parents {malignant narcissists and my mom also has borderline}.)

Gatekeeping happens when one person sets themself up as the person who controls access to something, be it information, invitations, material resources like food, nonmaterial resources like sleep and healthcare. This puts them IN CONTROL and it marginalizes everyone in their circle.

My mother is a Gatekeeper. For decades into my self-supporting and married adulthood, all family information and invitations to me and my husband came through my mother. Sometimes I got them, sometimes I did not. It depended on if I was being punished OR if I was a little too independent for my mom's liking at that specific time.

It might be that you have a Gatekeeper too, Ruby.

Were I in your shoes here, I would invite Grandma to a birthday lunch with my nuclear family (my spouse, children, etc). I would inform the relatives whom I wish to be an active part of their lives and they in mine, that I was left out of Grandma's birthday festivities by my mother and that all invitations and communications in future should be sent to __________________________ address/phone/etc.

If you don't ACT like an adult, a Gatekeeper will not treat you like one. You have to train your mother and that includes being both direct and specific with her.

Ask her what else you don't know/didn't get the invites to. Might be illuminating.

 

[kgizo]

Ugh, poor you and DH. I would've said something along the lines of "I'm not sure how the lines of communications got crossed, but it's water under the bridge. I would've loved to have been here to celebrate your birthday with you had I known". And then just change the topic. To your point you don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, but it's important to let your grandmother know that you care about her enough to have made it if you were invited. I expect she will really enjoy your visit to her nursing home to celebrate on her actual birthday.

 

[telephone89]

Um I'd be pissed actually haha. There is no way I'd let that slide by. I wouldn't be able to stand the thought that my grandmother thought I'd skipped out on her birthday celebration! You didn't want her to feel bad - she now probably thinks you weren't busy at all, and are avoiding her or something. That's much worse IMO. I don't think factual honesty is wrong in this situation. Lying to your grandmother to try and cover someone elses ass does not fly with me. I would not confront her there, but I would make it clear what had happened.
"Thought your mom said you were too busy?"
"Sorry for any confusion grandmother, I was actually not invited! Must have been an oversight. Can't wait to see you next week for lunch! "

 

[Rockinruby]

I am so sorry that this happened to you Rockinruby. I don't really have any advice that anyone else has not given you, but I think you handled the situation with grace. As much as I agree with LadyMch, had you confronted your mom there, it would have tainted the whole evening for your grandma. Your willingness to put others before yourself shows your character. Well done.

I would wonder why your mom would do something like that. Is she always hurtful like that? I would definitely have to have a word with her at some point about it.

I agree with Monnie, families can be weird and real jerks at times. I am pretty sure everyone has at least one person who does rude and hurtful things. Again, so sorry that you have had to deal with this.

Yes, family dynamics can be very difficult. I think my Mom has pretty much done things like this as long as I can remember. I've tried to maintain a relationship, but at times I've backed way off. She drifts in and out of being closer with different family members and whoever is on the outs gets the receiving end of situations like this. Something always happens that causes drama on a Holiday. DH & I have made our own tradition of volunteering for the Salvation Army now over Christmas each year. We just got to a point where we didn't want to have our Christmas be stressful anymore. I have talked with her in the past and offered many times to go to counseling with her. She is beyond unwilling.

It makes me sad, but it hurts worse when I don't keep some boundaries in place.

 

[Rockinruby]

Oh my goodness I am so sorry this happened to you. I am sure you felt very awkward. I agree with others who have said a note to your aunt would be appropriate and you can add that maybe your mom forgot to invite you. Your mom should be fully aware of the awkwardness she created the moment she saw you.

I cannot leave a blatant act of disrespect alone, but this also creates strife in my family when I stick up for myself.

Oh, she was definitely flabbergasted when she saw us. She didn't hardly say a word which isn't normal for her. Lol

I used to ignore things and try to let them go. As I got older it became harder for me to ignore, but it creates a lot of strife when I stick up for myself too. I can certainly understand where you are coming from.

Ugh, poor you and DH. I would've said something along the lines of "I'm not sure how the lines of communications got crossed, but it's water under the bridge. I would've loved to have been here to celebrate your birthday with you had I known". And then just change the topic. To your point you don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, but it's important to let your grandmother know that you care about her enough to have made it if you were invited. I expect she will really enjoy your visit to her nursing home to celebrate on her actual birthday.

DH is still fuming about it. I keep thinking of what I should have said. It was so unexpected that I didn't really have time to even absorb the entire thing until afterwards. I will probably enjoy the one on one time with her this week more anyway.

 

[distracts]

I used to ignore things and try to let them go. As I got older it became harder for me to ignore, but it creates a lot of strife when I stick up for myself too. I can certainly understand where you are coming from.

People like this are all the same - from what I've seen any speaking up to them about it usually leads to gigantic explosions necessitating either capitulation and groveling or a cutting off contact. Trying to reason with them or get therapy is useless because they are so convinced they are right and you need to bow down. I don't know what makes them that way but it's so different to how most people are that it is hard to wrap your mind around.

 

[Gypsy]

Re: PS input please on an etiquette question

I would 100% set the record straight and make it crystal clear you were not invited. .

This.

My mother is a narcissist She is never wrong.

I had to learn to stand up to her. And establish VERY firm boundaries, with VERY firm CONSEQUENCES so that she would learn to respect me. It took years and a lot of therapy.

You need to draw the line and enforce it. Otherwise she will NOT respect you.

Gypsy, thank you for your insight. I read one of your posts on a thread a long time ago that triggered my brain. I promptly left the thread and did a Google search on narcissist parents. A lot of things clicked for me after reading some of the stories and comments.

Unfortunately the consequence of not seeing people that choose to distance themselves doesn't seem to phase her one bit.

I'm glad you reminded me to stick with solid boundaries.

I am so happy my experiences and posts helped you! Yes, lying to you and hurting your grandmother and making you look bad is a huge boundary crossing. I'd smack her right on the nose in that. Embarrassment is her consequence. And trust me, that works. You go visit your grandmother, explain to her very simply what happened. And then call your mother, tell her you told your grandmother and that in the future is she lies to you, you will be much more vocal about it, and you'll make sure the family knows what she is really like.

That is a threat that works with them. Oh, and after you say that. Hang up. Don't let her reply. Just hang up.

HUGS and I am sorry your mom is a narcissist too, it is a very hard thing as a child when your mother is like this.

 

[shaggy1]

I see that you have already gotten a lot of good advice, and I can't think of anything I can add. I will only say that my mother is also a narcissist. You have my sincere sympathies

 

[aljdewey]

This is kind of a rock and a hard place in a way.

I'm the type of person that would say something. My mother knows me well....lol and she knows never put me in THAT position because every one of her children got her mouth Love that woman to death but I've publically told her," momma, don't be an *******."

You and your mother aren't on the same page, but its time to get there. You may not want to put her in a bad light, but she doesn't seem to have a problem doing that to you. Reel it in.

YEP.......this. What's in bold.

I'd not have been quiet here at all. In front of the entire group assembled, I'd have smiled and calmly responded to Grandma's dismay by saying "Grandma, I would *never* be too busy to celebrate your birthday, and I would have made sure to be available if we'd been invited.' Then I'd have smiled your other family members and followed with "All of you are more than welcome to reachh out to directly for future events; I'd rather hear about it many times over than risk not knowing at all."

If your mom squirms, GOOD. Perhaps being on the hot seat and looking like an ass in front of everyone is precisely what's needed to prevent that type of crap from happening next time.

ETA: I think it was noble that you wanted to keep from tainting your grandmother's celebration, but I'll also say that at this point, I feel it's tainted either way....if you say nothing, she's left bewildered that you couldn't or wouldn't make time for her celebration. Everyone's mileage varies individually, but for me, this would be a no-go. I'd rather shift that and say "We didn't receive an invitation, we had no idea about the party. I'm sure it was a miscommunication or oversight."

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Ditto to what Alj and others said....I absolutely would tell the grandmother!!! Otherwise, she will think you were selfish and didn't care enough about her to attend!!! Much better to tell the truth! And yes, I would call your aunt and tell her how shocked and horrified you were to be put in that position, and to PLEASE let you know about any future family events personally! Do not enable your mother to continue to manipulate you like that!

 

[kenny]

Re: PS input please on an etiquette question

Ooh! My solution is 180 degrees the opposite of Deb's.
I am not a doormat and would not allow my own mother to make me one. I would 100% set the record straight and make it crystal clear you were not invited. If they state that they thought your mother had invited you, just say, "I'm sorry, but she must be mistaken. We would've loved to have attended had we been invited." This also gives you a great opportunity to give out your contact information and ask to be contacted directly, lest your mother get *confused* again.
I would also speak to my mother about her "etiquette"; there is clearly a lot of deception that went on behind your back on her part, which would sufficiently chap my backside. I would not feel sad or hurt; I would be livid.
What is the point in making others feel comfortable when you only stand to show that you will tolerate this kind of rude behavior? You even state that this is a pattern of behavior on your mother's part. People will treat you how you let them... Continuing to do what they get away with. Also, I disagree in telling white lies to save your face or someone else's... And I certainly would not consider that to be "good manners". I would rather be honest, even if that means being a little abrasive. It is not necessary to smear her to her in laws , but I would most definitely have a firm talk with my mom (or anyone else that tried to pull this over on me) about why that kind of behavior is unacceptable.

+1
Well put.