Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Ring???

[FuturePsyD]

Hi Ladies...

I have been mulling this issue over in my head a lot lately! Has anyone else felt some pressure to have a certain type of e-ring?

Of course we all have our own tastes, styles, likes/dislikes and that overrides the importance of what anyone else thinks about our rings!

But based upon the types of rings that your girlfriends/family members/acquaintances have do you ever find yourself feeling pressured to be equal or even surpass what you see around you? How about images that we see portrayed on tv, in magazines, etc that hint at what the "ideal" size, shape, style of a engagement ring should be. (Of course everyone's financial situation varies and we all do what we can if an e ring is important to us). But do you find yourself feeling the pressure to save more, budget more, or have yourself or you FF work longer hours in pursuit of the "perfect" e ring?

I hear time and again within my circle of friends, "wow, her ring is this many carats" "hers is custom made by a celebrity jeweler" and so on. Then those of us who are "ringless" talk amongst ourselves about feeling the pressure to adhere to certain covert standards that are in play around us. Recently, there have been A LOT of engagements happening around me with stunning rings being shown off left and right! I am ashamed to admit that I am feeling the pressure to produce an equally amazing e-ring for fear that my lovely ring will be looked down upon or gossiped about. I know I shouldn't care and I know I am revealing a big insecurity, but nonetheless I am opening myself up to any opinions that you guys would care to share with me.

I would also love to hear if anyone else can relate?

 

[vanilla87]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

Lots of engagements happening around me too.... its enough to make a girl go CRAZY

Everyone i know who has gotten engaged has rings that arent too my taste. They are either teeny tiny .20ct diamond solitaire or square Illusion settings (4 princess cut stones set together to look like a larger stone). My friends dont seem to care the quality of diamonds and they dont do any research before buying them... and usually get them from mall/chain stores.

I like to think when i get my beautiful diamond in a few months people will have ring envy of me! I cerrtainly feel ring envy here on PS though... SOOO much beautiful bling

 

[vanilla87]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

Lots of engagements happening around me too.... its enough to make a girl go CRAZY

Everyone i know who has gotten engaged has rings that arent too my taste. They are either teeny tiny .20ct diamond solitaire or square Illusion settings (4 princess cut stones set together to look like a larger stone). My friends dont seem to care the quality of diamonds and they dont do any research before buying them... and usually get them from mall/chain stores.

I like to think when i get my beautiful diamond in a few months people will have ring envy of me! I cerrtainly feel ring envy here on PS though... SOOO much beautiful bling

 

[sillyberry]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

I've been fortunate in that I have pretty much no idea anything about anyone's rings. No comparing, no gossiping, no nothing. With the exception of my best friend (who has a RB from Tiffany's) I couldn't tell you the carats, the designer, anything about anyone I know. It makes life much better!

I had an idea of what I wanted, but not because I felt I needed to compete with anyone I know.

 

[Amys Bling]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

absolutely! I think everyone feels pressure- at least in my area... I have to say that my 1.55 RB is not the biggest, more like the norm, and once someone gets something beautiful, large and sparkly, their is an unspoken pressure to make sure yours measures up.

I feel the pain.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

Hi Ladies...


But based upon the types of rings that your girlfriends/family members/acquaintances have do you ever find yourself feeling pressured to be equal or even surpass what you see around you? How about images that we see portrayed on tv, in magazines, etc that hint at what the "ideal" size, shape, style of a engagement ring should be. (Of course everyone's financial situation varies and we all do what we can if an e ring is important to us). But do you find yourself feeling the pressure to save more, budget more, or have yourself or you FF work longer hours in pursuit of the "perfect" e ring?


I would also love to hear if anyone else can relate?

yup,ask him to work over-time...

 

[Autumnovember]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

I actually felt pressure in a little bit of a different sense.

LOTS of engagements started happening around me too right after FI proposed in July.

My e-ring is a lot larger than many of the girls that have gotten engaged, and it has made me feel really awkward.

One of my friends told my best friend, "WOW. Autumn's ring is huge. its just huge" and not in a nice way either, so the pressure can go both ways for sure.

 

[calibali]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

I'm sure the situation you describe does happen, but other people's expectations played no part in my choice. I simply chose a carat size that I thought would give me decent coverage and paired it with my favorite setting style. And that was that.

While I don't give a hoot what anyone thinks about my ring, I did recently get an interesting opinion on it. I was told that my ring was borderline obnoxiously big, so I just laughed and said a little jealous? I was friendly about it because honestly, I just don't see the point in giving in to others insecurity.

 

[FuturePsyD]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

Vanilla:

Wow, so you definitely won't feel diamond shrinkage being around your friends. It's wonderful that you don't feel that terrible pressure to live up to a certain standard thats been set around you. In your case, soon you will be the standard to live up to!


Sillyberry:

That's great that you also are not a part of the pressure. It really does make the ER process a lot easier (before, during, after) when you simply are not a part of who has what, what size, what price, what designer, etc. Its enough to drive one mad if you allow it to.


Amysbling:

You have a wonderfully sized ring. Although, I know EXACTLY what you mean in regards to where you live. It really makes a big difference what area you live in and the norms there, and whether you come in under, just at, or above that norm can create a lot of pressure at times. Where I live, 2 carat is normal. Many girls are getting 3,4,5 carat rings. So no one is impressed by anything under 3 carats. At 2, you are simply "safe". ugh


DancingFire:
I wish! My ff's 8-6 job is more than he can handle. Although, during the ER saving period, earning the funds to purchase the ring should come before eating and sleeping IMO!!


AutumnNovember:

While I would love to be in your position, I can certainly understand where you are coming from. People can be very judgmental, which brings to mind the cliched saying, "damned if you do, damned if you don't" Either way, we are open to the judgments and criticisms of others. Oh its too big, oh her ring is so small, sheesh! Though your type of pressure I could have fun with at times.


Calibali:

Seems you are in the same boat as Vanilla and AutumnNovember! You girls have definitely allowed me to see this from a different perspective. I can definitely see how others, out of jealousy, can judge, comment and gossip about our rings when they are deemed too big. You're right about not feeding into those who are jealous and resentful about your ring. Silly of them to try and make you feel guilty. They should keep it to themselves and come vent on LIW like I'm doing! But I'm honestly trying to put this all into perspective and not give into the pressure and feel inferior to others. All I can do is get something within our budget that I like and "not give a hoot" , as you said, about the rest. Hard, but it's my goal.

 

[monarch64]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

Nah. I knew what styles/cuts I disliked, but I have an insignificant number of family members who actually care about or even notice jewelry. SO had his own ideas about carat weight, shape of stone, the rest of the c's in mind when he designed and purchased my e-ring, so really the burden of "what will people think" was on him and for that I'm pretty grateful. I am more concerned than he is about what other people will think of the home we are looking forward to buying (we're still looking!)

Everything material changes in life. Imo, what you cannot change is how you carry yourself, your attitude and how you treat others, and how you put yourself together and present yourself to others whether you are living paycheck to paycheck or you're a billionaire. I am more impressed with someone who handles him/herself with dignity and grace rather than someone who has a lot of material wealth. You need the former part of that package to gain my respect in the first place. Anything else is icing on the cake. At the end of the day, and when I wake up in the morning, I have only myself and my SO to look at. Taking him out of the picture for whatever reason, I have only myself to worry about...I am happy with me, and I am happy with "we."

 

[Autumnovember]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

I'm sure the situation you describe does happen, but other people's expectations played no part in my choice. I simply chose a carat size that I thought would give me decent coverage and paired it with my favorite setting style. And that was that.

While I don't give a hoot what anyone thinks about my ring, I did recently get an interesting opinion on it. I was told that my ring was borderline obnoxiously big, so I just laughed and said a little jealous? I was friendly about it because honestly, I just don't see the point in giving in to others insecurity.

Thats exactly how I felt the comment came off when my friend told my best friend how "SO HUGE" my ring is.

 

[Amys Bling]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

i think guys feel this pressure too...(not just from their SO lol). After my FI proposed, all the guy friends in our group were chatting about rings- most of their GF's are now itching for a ring- and they all agreed that they feel pressure to make sure the ring they buy measures up- as it is typically seen as "how he can provide" and what "he can afford" for you and they felt like other guys and girls do kinda judge the ring they buy their FI and the cost....etc.

 

[calibali]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

I'm sure the situation you describe does happen, but other people's expectations played no part in my choice. I simply chose a carat size that I thought would give me decent coverage and paired it with my favorite setting style. And that was that.

While I don't give a hoot what anyone thinks about my ring, I did recently get an interesting opinion on it. I was told that my ring was borderline obnoxiously big, so I just laughed and said a little jealous? I was friendly about it because honestly, I just don't see the point in giving in to others insecurity.

Thats exactly how I felt the comment came off when my friend told my best friend how "SO HUGE" my ring is.

I'm sorry that upset you Autumn. My take on material goods is that I am never going to feel bad about having nice things - I'm only going to be grateful. I do what I can to help those who are less fortunate, but I will never be made to feel badly about how I spend my money. Now if only the tactless would focus on improving their social skills, it would be a lot more pleasant to be around them.

 

[Autumnovember]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

I'm sure the situation you describe does happen, but other people's expectations played no part in my choice. I simply chose a carat size that I thought would give me decent coverage and paired it with my favorite setting style. And that was that.

While I don't give a hoot what anyone thinks about my ring, I did recently get an interesting opinion on it. I was told that my ring was borderline obnoxiously big, so I just laughed and said a little jealous? I was friendly about it because honestly, I just don't see the point in giving in to others insecurity.

Thats exactly how I felt the comment came off when my friend told my best friend how "SO HUGE" my ring is.

I'm sorry that upset you Autumn. My take on material goods is that I am never going to feel bad about having nice things - I'm only going to be grateful. I do what I can to help those who are less fortunate, but I will never be made to feel badly about how I spend my money. Now if only the tactless would focus on improving their social skills, it would be a lot more pleasant to be around them.

Thumbs up to everything you said!

 

[monarch64]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

i think guys feel this pressure too...(not just from their SO lol). After my FI proposed, all the guy friends in our group were chatting about rings- most of their GF's are now itching for a ring- and they all agreed that they feel pressure to make sure the ring they buy measures up- as it is typically seen as "how he can provide" and what "he can afford" for you and they felt like other guys and girls do kinda judge the ring they buy their FI and the cost....etc.

That's what I was thinking when I responded to this thread--it's harder sometimes (or used to be, before we ladies started choosing our own rings!) on the men! I can't imagine the sort of competition that goes on (and you KNOW it does in certain circles).

SO said to me after we were engaged that he had done a "check" of other ladies' engagement rings (and we are older--in our thirties--plus we have lots of close friends who are in their 40's and up) that he was feeling pretty good about his selection in comparison to everything else he'd seen on his friends' wives' hands. I was surprised, but I can't say I was shocked and I can't say I judge him for that. We humans are all the time comparing ourselves, after all, whether it's right or wrong.

 

[sillyberry]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

The only diamond "research" FI did was to ask his friends how much they spent. I don't even think he was trying to one-up them, I think he just had no idea how much rings cost and was trying to get some type of baseline range.

But, yeah, I was mortified when I heard that!

 

[monarch64]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

The only diamond "research" FI did was to ask his friends how much they spent. I don't even think he was trying to one-up them, I think he just had no idea how much rings cost and was trying to get some type of baseline range.

But, yeah, I was mortified when I heard that!

SB, I think the guys just typically consider it smart business to do some comparison research and try to figure out how much they "should" spend on a ring. I don't think it's a case of "one-upping" anyone for the most part. But I agree with you, it's weird to find out that they've done that sort of homework!

 

[Jessie702]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

I havent had a lot of engagements happening around me, just my cousin that i posted a few weeks ago, so no, theres no pressure to have a certain ring. C isnt the type to be pressured into buying a certain type of rings due to friends, he generally just likes a high standard so im not really worried.

 

[vanilla87]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

Diamond rings are so small in my part of the world that i have had people tell me our *modest* (well i think it is) budget of $6000 is absolutley obsurd! My parents actually told me that it was ridiculous to spend soooo much $$ on a ring. Dont get me wrong, my family is by no means rich but we have never gone without anything we wanted and live a very comfortable life. I guess they dont really see the value in spending that much for such a small object.

I think so long as your are happy with what you have, who cares what anyone else thinks

 

[Indylady]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

Most of my close friends aren't in relationships, so there's not really a "standard" going on.

Out of my extended group of friends, I've seen everything from a 70's ring with a .02 diamond in an illusion setting (his mom's original e-ring) to a Zales 3-stone, to a 1ct princess cut solitare from Whiteflash.

It can sometimes be a "d*mned if you do, d*nmed if you don't" sort of world out there, especially when it comes to something that is already somewhat emotionally laden, plus involves a fair amount of money, not to mention personal taste.

 

[MayFlowers]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

Though I am helping BF in the selection process and I also feel pressure, I think he feels it more than I do. Ever since we started talking about getting engaged, he had always said he wanted to get me a diamond "bigger and better than anyone's that I knew". Well since then, his cousin got engaged with a 2ctw three stone, and I had a friend get engaged with a 1.2 RB set in a pave trellis setting. I would still be plenty happy with the size we were originally going for (around 3/4 carat). However, he now wants to get me something in the 1.1-1.25 range. While I don't think I would ever turn down a larger diamond , I worry about what people will think of a diamond of that size whenever I get engaged.

I mostly worry about my family's thoughts on it. My mother still has her original 0.3 carat solitaire and my sister has around a 0.5-0.6 carat solitaire. I think I mostly worry about what my family will think because my sister and BIL are currently going through some very rough financial times. It's like I feel guilty for being able to spend so much on a ring when they are struggling so much. It makes the ring seem frivolous. But at the same time, I don't want to have BF get me a smaller ring based on what other people think. So, really, we all need to just say WHO CARES! and be perfectly happy with our e-ring, because it's OUR's and we love it and that's all that really matters anyways right?

 

[maebelle]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

Great topic!

I have dealt with the societal pressures by "attacking" it early and often. Anytime someone brings up engagement rings I make it very clear what I want, why I want it, and so on. I want something a little offbeat (you guys probably know... Sapphire center stone) and I think everyone in our group remotely interested in rings knows that. So they will all know whats coming when I (eventually) get a ring, and say nothing other than "You got what you wanted! Congrats!"

When ring talk comes up. Be clear. "I want ____ for XYZ reasons".

My reasoning? "I love blue and want to make a visual impact while not having something that will get caught on my clothes, etc"

The SO definitely falls under the price comparison pressure though. I can't seem to convince him that we can purchase something stunning for a *lot* less than what his friends are buying.

 

[UnluckyTwin]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

How about the pressure from society to have a diamond at all? I'd say that definitely counts as pressure to have a certain kind of e-ring.

The only pressure I feel is when I look at photos of those beautiful AVCs. They draw me in and I'm not sure when the time comes I'll be able to resist!!

 

[maebelle]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

How about the pressure from society to have a diamond at all? I'd say that definitely counts as pressure to have a certain kind of e-ring.

Exactly! Which is why I make sure everyone knows I I would *not* be pleased to get a diamond, less of a shock for them when i'm wearing my gemstone

 

[Glitz]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

My take on material goods is that I am never going to feel bad about having nice things - I'm only going to be grateful. I do what I can to help those who are less fortunate, but I will never be made to feel badly about how I spend my money. Now if only the tactless would focus on improving their social skills, it would be a lot more pleasant to be around them.

I love what you said! My SO and I are young but we're very hard workers and have had a great amount of success in the last few years. In our circle of friend & family the stones range from .30 - 1 carat, in my area though I think 1 carat is the average. Since we have the money we're going to get what we want ... and why wouldn't we!?!? The stone that we have our eye on is 1.60 carats but faces up closer to 1.90 carats since it's 130 years old and a shallow cut. I'm aware and prepared for any comments that might come with wearing a stone of that size. I don't think I feel pressure to get a very large diamond though, I think I just naturally like big rocks, which I think is genetic and passed down to me from my grandma!

My SO feels pressure though, he's asked around to see what his cousins and friends got for their wives. He also wants to make sure he puts something on my hand that doesn't look cheap ... because it reflects cheap back at him! I did show him the 2.95 OEC in the julia setting thats on show me the bling and he thinks thats to big, so I think the 1.60 OMC we're looking at is just right for us. This thread has also reminded me of a a song my ex thought was written for me (I've always been into bling, I was the only girl wearing diamonds/gems and gold wittnauer watches in grade 10)

"Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got
I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block
Used to have a little, now I have a lot
No matter where I go, I know where I came from"

 

[oranges]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

I'm not a LIW yet, but there is a lot of pressure on my boyfriend and I to buy a certain type of e-ring and get engaged. We have been together for 5 years and I'm 21 and he is 22. He is financially independent and I am not. There is a lot I want to accomplish in my own life as an individual before marriage... and becoming financially successful on my own is one of them. The norm in our families for newly engaged couples is 2+ carat very high quality diamonds in gorgeous settings. Their budgets are around the 25-30 K mark ... being surrounded by those kinds of rings and thinking of them as "normal" has kind of screwed us!

 

[Mashira]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

I have certainly felt this pressure. Mainly about carat weight because it seems size is what most people focus on when looking at a diamond e-ring. I do have to wonder though how much of the pressure we are really just imagining or putting on ourselves?
I have talked with my soon to be engaged friends about it and I have gotten mixed responses. I've heard these comments come from the same person:

"Am I shallow for not wanting a used ring?"
"I don't care what size it is. Really. Kind of. I mean, I don't want it to be a speck!" (She thinks under .5 would be a 'speck")
"I saw my friends ring who just got engaged. It was so tiny! I felt so bad for her."

I think the fact that these statements came from the same person details the fact that we all know that is should not matter, but for some
forsaken reason, it does. We worry about what others think. Period. I think anyone that says that they don't is a liar. We may not change ourselves, we may not approve of what others think, why they think it, or even think that it is valid or any of their business, but the fact of the matter is we care. I think the 'pressure' is generally more perceived than real. What is the worst that will happen? Someone will say something and you will feel bad? BIG DEAL! You're engaged to the man you are going to marry and will spend the rest of your life with him! BE HAPPY! Measure the relationship based on joy and peace, not the size of a chunk of carbon.

That being said, I will remind yall that I too have felt this pressure, and brought the pressure upon myself because well... I'm human. What I think is most important though is that we not get too caught up in the pressure and forget about what the ring means. Commitment.

*steps off soapbox*

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

I felt some internal pressure -- as in, maybe "competitiveness" -- rather than *peer* pressure. Does that make sense? Maybe I would have felt differently if I'd still been working in an office environment in NYC at the time I got engaged. I do recall office engagements being very "It's Tiffany!" oriented.

My situation at the time (freelance, lots of different environments - no big "to do" about a ring) -- was more oriented around being the older sister & two of my younger sisters already having rings. I was hoping the stone/ring combo would be a) at least comparable to theirs and b) be *reasonable* within my business circles and c) be substantial enough for my large & chubby hands. I was not interested in designer names. I did want platinum. I did prefer an antique look, along the lines of my grandmother's actual antique rings. So I was (admittedly) very picky. Luckily my DH was sympathetic to my tendencies and let me take the lead in the search.

The advice I always give to men who are searching is to consider the rings of * their mother, *their GF's mother, * their GF's siblings/ siblings-in-law. Not that I think they should bankrupt themselves to compete, or go smaller than they wanted to in order to "fit in" .... but that its a factor that was important to *me* (even if I CRINGE admitting it).

 

[Mashira]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

I very much agree with what you say about the pressure not being external as much as inward competitivness. I think that's what I was going for in my last post, but didn't do it so well

 

[FuturePsyD]

Re: Pressure (friends/family/society)to have a certain E-Rin

I love reading everyone's posts and realizing that ER pressure is indeed a reality. Not that you have all given in to it, but that it is out there!

I believe my current dilemma is that my circle of friends and family are under the impression that I will be getting a "designer" ring. Of course, this is all my own doing for having a huge mouth and implanting that thought in their heads. I went from Tiffany to HW with my FF enabling me the whole time. Even though he did not have the $ for such a ring, he insisted he take the time to save so that he could give me my dream ring (and of course beat out the other men). He certainly would love to get me my hearts desire, however I have come to the conclusion that cutting the ring budget in half and saving the "designer ring" $ towards a down payment for a house is a MUCH better investment.

Even though we are NOT the wealthiest amongst those we associate with and we are the youngest couple in my family, we still tend to put what little money we have towards certain brands, designers, etc that we are like. Now I feel when he proposes with a beautiful custom made ring as opposed to say HW, everyone will be shocked. Of course, all my own doing! Now that I have chosen to have my ER custom made, I know we will not be able to afford say a 3+ carat. So, I've felt this sense of pressure of I won't have my dream "designer" ring and I won't have a stone that will stand out...but I do have to make peace with this because I truly don't want to spend 30k+ on an ER when we have much more important priorities. My 2 best friends have said to just upgrade in a few years when we are able and to purchase a HW wedding band to take care of my "designer" fix.