Pre-proposal...who do you tell???

[mhova]

I''m sure this is open to debate and there is no single right answer, but who are the most common people that the guy "should" tell prior to popping the question?

Obviously, the woman''s father would be included. I would imagine that most guys also tell their own parents. But what about beyond that? Is it wrong to not say anything to the woman''s mother if you have decided to tell her father? What about the rest of the guy''s family, ie. brothers/sisters, grandparents, etc.

 

[blingbunny10]

If either of you are from a somewhat traditional family, I would say both sets of parents (or hers, at the very least). There''s absolutely no need to tell siblings and grandparents until after she says yes!

 

[damons]

I am proposing to my girl on Friday, and I told her parents, my parents, my brother and sister-in-law, and a couple of my closest friends.

I am very close to my brother and sister-in-law, so I told them because it was nice to have someone to talk to about it that I knew wouldn''t tell my girlfriend.

I think it''s up to you to tell who you want to tell. I told people because I have been planning this for months, and I was afraid that if I didn''t have a network of people that I could openly discuss it with, then I would slip and say something to my girlfriend that I wasn''t supposed to say.

 

[sctsbride09]

Whoever you end up telling, just make sure it is someone that is trustworthy. My MIL knew and told everyone we were engaged before we could make the announcement ourselves. I am still upset about it.

 

[mhova]

thanks for the input. I have been contemplating whether or not to tell her mom, but there is just something that is making me hesitant to trust that she isn''t going to give my gf any hints, or tell anyone else. If past experiences tell me anything, then there is prob good reason why I''m hesitant, although I can''t exactly put my finger on it.

I''m just worried that the future mother in law will be offended when she finds out I told the dad, my parents, and not her.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I think if you tell one you really have to tell the other. My question to you is do you HAVE to tell him first? You are basicly asking your future father in law to keep things from his wife, I would not do that. Unless he or your GF are really tranditional, I would not. My husband did not tell my parents and they had no issue with it and neither did I. Besides they knew it was coming eventually.

 

[mhova]

Date: 6/8/2010 5:42:51 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
I think if you tell one you really have to tell the other. My question to you is do you HAVE to tell him first? You are basicly asking your future father in law to keep things from his wife, I would not do that. Unless he or your GF are really tranditional, I would not. My husband did not tell my parents and they had no issue with it and neither did I. Besides they knew it was coming eventually.

Here parents are separated, and in the process of getting divorced...so it wouldn''t exactly be feasible to tell them both at the same time. This is becoming more complicated than I initially thought it was going to be lol

 

[nosirrah]

I only told her parents, and I swore them to secrecy. The less people that know the better. But if you tell one you should tell the other....just make sure to get that blood oath

I only told a couple days beforehand so that there would be less chance for the surprise to get out. Good luck!

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 6/8/2010 9:54:21 PM
Author: mhova

Date: 6/8/2010 5:42:51 PM

Author: brazen_irish_hussy

I think if you tell one you really have to tell the other. My question to you is do you HAVE to tell him first? You are basicly asking your future father in law to keep things from his wife, I would not do that. Unless he or your GF are really tranditional, I would not. My husband did not tell my parents and they had no issue with it and neither did I. Besides they knew it was coming eventually.

Here parents are separated, and in the process of getting divorced...so it wouldn''t exactly be feasible to tell them both at the same time. This is becoming more complicated than I initially thought it was going to be lol

I actually think that makes things a lot easier. I would just tell the father then, since he is unlikely to say anything about it afterwords and he won''t feel bad about keeping something from her.

 

[TheyCall]

I am sort of a traditionalist in the sense that I really really really want him to ''ask'' my dad, but I wouldn''t expect my dad to "keep it secret" from my mom. I just think it is a male bonding thing, daddy would totally tell mom as soon as he got home, if not before.

But honestly, you don''t HAVE to tell anyone.

If I had to guess who would know in my situation, it would be my parents, maybe his? I honestly do not know if he would tell them first, his best guy friend, and my best girlfriend - you know those last two would be to keep him sane and help him plan. Plus they are both good at secrets

 

[Rockit]

I would tell no one except your parents if you like, and her dad if you think it is best to get his blessing. Other than that, you and your intended are what this is all about for now, no one else. Telling people only serves to make the process more complicated, risks blowing your secret, and may disappoint your gf when, later, she finds out that other people knew your intentions before she did. In other words, put HER first and don''t water-down the expected happy announcement to come.

 

[Anastasia]

I don''t really understand why anyone would need to know beforehand.

If you are asking her father for his daughter''s hand, then obviously he will know. I don''t think it is necessary to tell her mother too. If you want to tell your parents, that is fine, but again, there is no reason to do so.

I enjoyed being able to tell everyone the news with my now husband. To me, the engagement is between the two people getting engaged. Then you can share the news together. I think the risk of someone else spilling the beans is too great to risk telling other people.

 

[jaybx09]

im having a similar problem...so i would love to hear everyones advice also..i was going to post a similar question and i sw this...... my girlfriends parents are divorced. Her father is traditional and already hinted to me that he will want to know. but her mother will tell the world and ruin the suprise. if i tell her father and no one else, my parents will be insulted and her mother will be insulted. if i tell her father and my parents, her mother will be even more insulted that shes the only parent who didnt know..im considering not telling anyone, including her father even though he will definitely be annoyed.....any ideas or am i just screwed? lol

 

[charbie]

I had told my now husband that it would mean a lot to me if he talked with both of my parents before he proposed. He had only met my dad a few times, (parents divorced), but he called him to tell him of his intentions a few days before the proposal. I speak to my mom daily, and he was really worried she might say something to someone and it would ruin things. honestly, my mom knew this was one time she HAD to keep the secret. He told her the day before so there would be the least amount of time for her to slip.
He also told his grandmother (its her ring he used...so he kinda had to) and only told his mom when he got the ring from hos grandma.

 

[charbie]

Forgot to add that my sisters fiance never said anything to my mom or dad. My mom was so disappointed that he didn''t say anything. This was after I had gotten engaged and my sister told him that my mom appreciated the fact that she was informed beforehand. My mom has thanked my husband time and time again, bc she now knows what it would have been like if he hadn''t said something first.

 

[charbie]

Date: 6/14/2010 3:12:31 PM
Author: cluelessguy2010
im having a similar problem...so i would love to hear everyones advice also..i was going to post a similar question and i sw this...... my girlfriends parents are divorced. Her father is traditional and already hinted to me that he will want to know. but her mother will tell the world and ruin the suprise. if i tell her father and no one else, my parents will be insulted and her mother will be insulted. if i tell her father and my parents, her mother will be even more insulted that shes the only parent who didnt know..im considering not telling anyone, including her father even though he will definitely be annoyed.....any ideas or am i just screwed? lol

Sorry, one more thing, tho! Why can''t you tell them parents you want to propose, but have not yet planned things yet. Tell them you haven''t planned the proposal yet bc you were waiting for their approval, but now that you have it, it will be sometime in the near future. Don''t tell them your specific plans, and your gf won''t know when its happening. Obviosuly you two should have talked about marriage anyway, so if her mom says something, she won''t know the specifics.

 

[marcy]

I don''t think you need to tell anyone. Since you wish to ask her dad for her hand in marriage then ask him but since her parents are separated I would not tell her mom.

 

[charbie]

Date: 6/14/2010 6:32:30 PM
Author: charbie

Date: 6/14/2010 3:12:31 PM

Author: cluelessguy2010

im having a similar problem...so i would love to hear everyones advice also..i was going to post a similar question and i sw this...... my girlfriends parents are divorced. Her father is traditional and already hinted to me that he will want to know. but her mother will tell the world and ruin the suprise. if i tell her father and no one else, my parents will be insulted and her mother will be insulted. if i tell her father and my parents, her mother will be even more insulted that shes the only parent who didnt know..im considering not telling anyone, including her father even though he will definitely be annoyed.....any ideas or am i just screwed? lol

Sorry, one more thing, tho! Why can''t you tell them parents you want to propose, but have not yet planned things yet. Tell them you haven''t planned the proposal yet bc you were waiting for their approval, but now that you have it, it will be sometime in the near future. Don''t tell them your specific plans, and your gf won''t know when its happening. Obviosuly you two should have talked about marriage anyway, so if her mom says something, she won''t know the specifics.

Did I seriously type "them parents???" I really need to read my posts before posting. I guess I was going to say, "tell them" and then wrote "parents." You get what I mean.

 

[jaybx09]

thanks for the advice!

 

[mhova]

Good advice everyone...My gf and I are spending the week with her father at the beach. We moved to NC while both families are still in CT, so this should be the perfect opportunity to let him know face to face. My stomach seems to do a backflip everytime I think about it. lol

I still havent decided if I will tell her mother or not. I won't be able to tell her in person, which I think will make things a bit awkward. I'm leaning more towards not telling her and having a back-up plan/story if I get any inclination that she is insulted. I'm thinking something along the lines of I wanted your daughter to be able to tell you herself, and didn't want to take that opportunity away from her.


Clueless, we have very similar situations so I'm wondering did you tell only the father, or decide to tell both?

 

[jaybx09]

hey..i told her father (in person..i snuck to his house after work one day)..then the day i was going to propose i told my father because i felt guilty..but i didnt tell my mom or her mom...we suprised them afterward..worked out great..

 

[mhova]

thanks bud...I told her father in person this weekend. I then asked him what his opinion was about telling her mother, and he thought it might be a good idea to let my gf break the news to her mother. He also said if it caused any problems, he would take full responsibility. So looks like I'm pretty much in the clear.


Ring arrives on July 22nd, so I'm aiming for either the 1st or 2nd weekend in August.

 

[shihtzulover]

Since we picked out our ring together, I know that the proposal is coming within the next month or two. I have only told my mom, and I think that he has only told his aunt and uncle. Other than that, we are keeping our lips sealed until it's official.

 

[ringthings]

I would want my engagement to be between me and my engagee -- no friends, no parents, no nothing.
After that, call the parents first, then the friends.

Of course, tradition is to "ask" the girl's parents.