Poll for people with kids

[gailrmv]

Just wanted to get people''s thoughts regarding kids, if you have them. Comments after the poll are also most welcome.

 

[AGBF]

I remember a poll taken years ago. It supposedly showed that couples (or women?) with children had greater overall life satisfaction, but less day to day enjoyment. Couples (or women) without children had less overall satisfaction, but more day to day enjoyment.

I do not know if the poll is accurate (or even was when it was taken), but it made emotional sense to me. I needed to have a child. When my daughter was first born, however, I went into a panic. I realized there was no way to give her back and that she would be there, unlike a dog for whom I could always find another good home, no matter what!

Children are an adjustment, but once one adjusts, they are just life. At least that was my experience. Life now seems natural only with a child!

 

[Sunni79]

Date: 4/1/2006 4:15:05 AM
Author: AGBF
I remember a poll taken years ago. It supposedly showed that couples (or women?) with children had greater overall life satisfaction, but less day to day enjoyment. Couples (or women) without children had less overall satisfaction, but more day to day enjoyment.

I do not know if the poll is accurate (or even was when it was taken), but it made emotional sense to me. I needed to have a child. When my daughter was first born, however, I went into a panic. I realized there was no way to give her back and that she would be there, unlike a dog for whom I could always find another good home, no matter what!

Children are an adjustment, but once one adjusts, they are just life. At least that was my experience. Life now seems natural only with a child!

That makes a lot of sense! I feel satisfied with my life with my kids overall, but I do have much less day to day enjoyment. It''s because I am constantly trying to head off tantrums and tend to a demanding infant. I don''t regret them at all, I just wish I had more freedom.

 

[koko]

I don''t regret having kids, but I do regret having teenagers

 

[diamondlil]

I did not vote because I think I''m a combination of the first and second choices. I love my kids, I cannot imagine not having kids, and I would have them again, no question. Do I miss my freedom? Of course! But, there are stages we go through with raising a family, and with each passing year (my kids are 11 and almost 14), I am getting my freedom back. I see my kids'' reaching adulthood as the light at the end of the tunnel. My husband and I had 6 years *alone* before the birth of our son. Raising our children is the most challenging and rewarding thing in our lives right now. They are the focus of our daily lives. But we also look forward to the day when it''s back to just the two of us again, and we can look back on these years with pride and joy.

 

[KristyDarling]

EXACTLY, word-for-word what Diamondlil said (though I voted "love my kids by miss my freedom). And my kids are a teensy bit younger than hers though (almost 3 and 14 months).

 

[mrssalvo]

Date: 4/1/2006 10:01:45 AM
Author: KristyDarling
EXACTLY, word-for-word what Diamondlil said (though I voted ''love my kids by miss my freedom). And my kids are a teensy bit younger than hers though (almost 3 and 14 months).

ditto. My kids are young and I wouldn''t trade them for anything. Sure I miss some of the freedom of getting up and going/doing/spending $, on whatever I wanted to but the trade of is way to good. Constant hugs and kisses, days at the pool or playground, little "helpers'' who like to sing Cinderella songs while helping mommy "clean." Christmas morning is so much more fun seeing and experiancing it through the awestruck eyes of your children. I''m enjoying the days we have now, they''ll be in school soon enough and I''ll have some Me time back.

 

[Dancing Fire]

look out

it''s that "kids" subject again

 

[february2003bride]

I agree with Diamondlil and my DH would add that he misses money in our checking account more than any freedom that''s been lost

 

[Kaleigh]

I didn''t vote either. I adore my kids and am so glad we had them. Hubby and I are about to be empty nesters so we will have our freedom back soon. I will miss them terribly but am psyched for some alone time too.

 

[moon river]

Date: 4/1/2006 8:40:44 AM
Author: koko
I don''t regret having kids, but I do regret having teenagers

ROTFL!!!!!!!!I agree 100%. Just keep repeating ''This too shall pass''

 

[msdarlinjoy]

When a was very lil' my father always asked me "How many children are you going to have?" I would always reply "enough" to be able to have a team to play softball!

My father thought I was a crazy child to want that many children! I just knew at an early age that I wanted to be the best mother, like my mom was being to me.

Well, at 18 I disovered that I would not be able to have children very easily, if at all, It would depend on the advancement of fertility treatments, and being lucky.

So, naturally ... after I married, we decided that we would start trying. I remember praying and making a deal with GOD ... If I were to be pregnant, No matter what ... I would always put the children's needs first, do what was right for them and sacrifice any selfish needs of my own without too much complaint.

I was blessed with a very difficult pregnancy. I thankfully had two healthy babies, now 14 yr. olds.

I know that I could be traveling more, or ... have more monetary items in my life if I choose not to have kids ... and that is OK with me not having what I could have. The way I look at it, Instead of spending money on Italy, far off exotic islands, cars and jewelry ... I spent $ on my children, and in return I have sheer pleasure and happiness. Sure there are and always will be challenges thru out their lives, however, the rewards always out weigh the most challenging days or weeks by any means.

To echo in MrsSalvo's words,

Constant hugs and kisses, days at the pool or playground, little "helpers' who like to sing Cinderella songs while helping mommy "clean." Christmas morning is so much more fun seeing and experiancing it through the awestruck eyes of your children. I'm enjoying the days we have now, they'll be in school soon enough and I'll have some Me time back.

Even though my children are now teenagers, to look back at the beginning when I sufferd from sleep deprivation because I had minimal help from my mom & dad ... my ex-husband conveiniently decided that he no longer wanted to be a real dad, or husband. The younger years of nurturing, teaching new things, seeing my lil' ones learn right from wrong, learn their manners, develop their own interesting and seperate personalities ... all the wonderful memories of going to feed the ducks, and going to the beach, to see their faces light up with wonder and excitement of the littelist things ... the "He's touching me, or She won't give back my toy" surely outweighs the Hugs, kisses, doing things together, the delight in experiencing somthing grand and new, Knotts Berry Farm, Disneyland, Santa Monica Pier, The Redwoods, The ocean, camping ... sports and dance ... you name it, all the emotions and memories are tightly locked up in my mind and heart.

Now, that they are nearing adulthood, it is sad sometimes that they don't need my expert advice as much, but to see them as 'lil adults and doing the right thing for the right reason, and becoming socially competant young ones in our society and starting to give back and act responsibly ... the hard work in my mind, had paid off ... and just like any investment ... I have experienced a happy return, triple fold! I am so proud.

I would not ever wish to have "Not had children" ... my life would be so empty without life's journey and experiences, and the true nature of a childs unconditional love!

 

[pearcrazy]

I wish that I could check the first two choices. I love my children and don''t regret having them for a second. I had a lot of fertility issues and all three were conceived after many years of trying and lots of help from doctors. I almost lost my twins at 24 weeks and was fortunate to hang onto them until 29 weeks, but still their births were traumatic for everyone, both physically and psychologically. My oldest son is now 8.5 and my preemie miracles are going to be 6 next month. Everyone is happy and healthy but it''s really been a long hard road for us getting everyone there and I must say there are lots of times I miss the freedom I had before I had children. Still, I was very unhappy before my children came along too.

So there you have it. I love them dearly and wouldn''t trade them for anything but it''s not a piece of cake either. But then again, what in life that''s truly of value ever is?

 

[msdarlinjoy]

Date: 4/1/2006 3:12:19 PM
Author: pearcrazy
I almost lost my twins at 24 weeks and was fortunate to hang onto them until 29 weeks, but still their births were traumatic for everyone, both physically and psychologically. My oldest son is now 8.5 and my preemie miracles are going to be 6 next month. Everyone is happy and healthy but it''s really been a long hard road for us getting everyone there and I must say there are lots of times I miss the freedom I had before I had children. Still, I was very unhappy before my children came along too.

So there you have it. I love them dearly and wouldn''t trade them for anything but it''s not a piece of cake either. But then again, what in life that''s truly of value ever is?

Oh Pearcrazy ~

A flower to you! I do understand ... me too.

I is very difficult when you have a preemie ... let alone 2 of them! Very stressful time indeed, many worries and sleepless nights abound.

My preemies are now 14 ... it does get better, alot better once they start school. Things start to just blend, meld and get balanced somehow.

I honestly think ... looking back now ... it made me a stonger person inside! I look back to those sleepless nights with one baby on my chest and one in my arms and I am rocking them in the fluffy recliner, and they are so sick and I was so tired ... I made it thru. Definately stronger now! Definately appreciate the simple things and times in life, that is for sure.

Hang in there, sending a big hug from me to you

... I do understand about the long hard road ... road will be better soon!

Take care, and smile ... I am thinking abuot you!

 

[momothree]

I''m going to have to go with everyone else here and say it''s a combo of #1 and #2. The love I have for my kids is so deep and profound, and something I never could have understood before having them. Like Pearcrazy, I also have twins plus one. However, the difference is that after kidlet #1, my DH and I weren''t so sure we even wanted a second kid, let alone two more. God laughed, gave us our twins and life has never been the same. There are times when I thought that dealing with three whining/crying/maniacally laughing (pick your choice) kids was going to toss me over the edge. There are also times when I have removed myself from my kids, shut myself in my bedroom and silently cursed them all until I calmed down enought to rejoin them with a smile on my face. HOWEVER, despite the hard times, despite the sleepless nights, despite the days where I have been poked and prodded for hours on end, I feel wildly wildly blessed and wouldn''t change a thing......

 

[Shay37]

Having kids was the best decision I''ve ever made, but I do have one regret. I regret that when I look at the world in which we live, I have unfairly burdened them with what they will see and endure in their lives. Sometimes I think I was selfish not to think of them and what they will face to factor in our decision to have kids. Do I regret my life with kids in it, NOT EVEN!!!!!! They are our joy.

shay

 

[Sundial]

I love my kids and do not regret for one second having had them, but I have to say that my and husband and I are having a ball now that they are both off in college! No empty nest syndrome here!!!

 

[momothree]

Shay, I share your same sense of sadness and regret about the world our children are inheriting. I am a huge hugger and cuddler and I think a part of that is me semi-subconsciously trying to protect my children from the world''s woes. I''d be lying if I said I wasn''t terribly concerned about the things they are likely to see and experience as they get older.

 

[pearcrazy]

Date: 4/1/2006 4:16:59 PM
Author: Mrs Darlin Joy

Date: 4/1/2006 3:12:19 PM
Author: pearcrazy
I almost lost my twins at 24 weeks and was fortunate to hang onto them until 29 weeks, but still their births were traumatic for everyone, both physically and psychologically. My oldest son is now 8.5 and my preemie miracles are going to be 6 next month. Everyone is happy and healthy but it's really been a long hard road for us getting everyone there and I must say there are lots of times I miss the freedom I had before I had children. Still, I was very unhappy before my children came along too.

So there you have it. I love them dearly and wouldn't trade them for anything but it's not a piece of cake either. But then again, what in life that's truly of value ever is?

Oh Pearcrazy ~

A flower to you! I do understand ... me too.

I is very difficult when you have a preemie ... let alone 2 of them! Very stressful time indeed, many worries and sleepless nights abound.

My preemies are now 14 ... it does get better, alot better once they start school. Things start to just blend, meld and get balanced somehow.

I honestly think ... looking back now ... it made me a stonger person inside! I look back to those sleepless nights with one baby on my chest and one in my arms and I am rocking them in the fluffy recliner, and they are so sick and I was so tired ... I made it thru. Definately stronger now! Definately appreciate the simple things and times in life, that is for sure.

Hang in there, sending a big hug from me to you

... I do understand about the long hard road ... road will be better soon!

Take care, and smile ... I am thinking abuot you!

Thanks, it HAS gotten a lot easier. My twins are kindergarteners this year and according to teachers are not only able to keep up with their classmates but are performing at a second semester 1st grade level. Both are extremely bright and could be headed for the AG program if they can keep it up. What a blessing!! Having preemies definately puts things in perspective. All I prayed for when they were struggling in incubators in the NICU, was them to be able to run and play with the other kids, to sit and learn in the same classroom as other kids. They didn't have to be the best and brightest, but just to be able to keep up was going to be a prayer answered for me. After my daughter's last teacher/ parent conference where the teacher went on and on about how smart, sweet and well liked my former 1lb. 15.5 oz baby was, I got into my car and cried and thanked God all the way home. My DH got similar news about her former 2lb14.5 oz brother the week before. As type this I'm watching my son riding his bike without training wheels with a big proud smile on his face and watching my daughter make chalk drawings and hopscotch squares on our driveway.

Life is good.

Now in about an hour I'm sure I'll be breaking up a skirmish of some sort, so I will have to remind myself how lucky I am that they're around with such loud voices to do so.

 

[gailrmv]

Wow, so many interesting replies. My hubby and I are approaching 30 and always thought we would feel excited about kids by this point. but we don''t. We are really enjoying being just the 2 of us, and since we''ve been extremely busy with our educations and careers, have not felt like we have gotten enough couple time yet. But the big 3-0 looms and we always felt that that would be when we had kids. I have heard several people say that they just felt like the "needed" to have a baby. I wonder if this will ever happen to me. But how do you go about your day to day activities like keeping your house clean, cooking, running errands, while constantly keeping your eye on a young one? Not to mention anything like hobbies, fun with adult friends, etc? Are diapers as scary as they seem? Oh yeah, and the tough issue of whether to keep on with my career or stay home for a few years... it is so confusing.

 

[pearcrazy]

I think when you're ready to have a baby "you'll just know". Kind of like knowing when the right man has come along. You just know. There's nothing magic about turning 30. If you and DH are happy and content then why change it? The clock is ticking but not quite that fast, so relax.

As far as getting day to day activities done, some you get to and some you don't. It gives multi-tasking a whole new meaning. Hobbies and time with adult friends definately changes. You don't give it up completely but it certainly gets put on the backburner a lot. I still keep up with my girlfreinds from college. Most of have children but some don't and we always find time for each other. It takes a lot more planning, but we get it done. It's important to maintain adult friendships.

Diapers are only scary when baby is sick, and baby will get sick!! Nothing like accidentally getting poop under your fingernails to really give you the heebie jeebies!!

You just deal with it. I don't see how people pick up their doggie's poop, but alas they love those critters and they just do it. Same with diapers. You get used to it. If I can get through double diaper duty and be a pro then anyone can. It is easier when it's your own kid though I must say. I swear, I don't know how daycare workers do it, they all have halos over their heads.

Work or stay home, I didn't know what I was going to do either. I just decided to go with the flow and see how it worked out. As it turned out I decided that I really didn't want to be a stay at home mom and went back to work part time. It was what I needed to do and wanted to do and it's worked out well for us.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 4/1/2006 10:01:45 AM
Author: KristyDarling
EXACTLY, word-for-word what Diamondlil said (though I voted ''love my kids by miss my freedom). And my kids are a teensy bit younger than hers though (almost 3 and 14 months).

no freedom for us until they become independent. that''s what my wallet been telling me.

 

[hlmr]

Date: 4/2/2006 12:01:18 PM
Author: pearcrazy

Date: 4/1/2006 4:16:59 PM
Author: Mrs Darlin Joy

Date: 4/1/2006 3:12:19 PM
Author: pearcrazy
I almost lost my twins at 24 weeks and was fortunate to hang onto them until 29 weeks, but still their births were traumatic for everyone, both physically and psychologically. My oldest son is now 8.5 and my preemie miracles are going to be 6 next month. Everyone is happy and healthy but it''s really been a long hard road for us getting everyone there and I must say there are lots of times I miss the freedom I had before I had children. Still, I was very unhappy before my children came along too.

So there you have it. I love them dearly and wouldn''t trade them for anything but it''s not a piece of cake either. But then again, what in life that''s truly of value ever is?

Oh Pearcrazy ~

A flower to you! I do understand ... me too.

I is very difficult when you have a preemie ... let alone 2 of them! Very stressful time indeed, many worries and sleepless nights abound.

My preemies are now 14 ... it does get better, alot better once they start school. Things start to just blend, meld and get balanced somehow.

I honestly think ... looking back now ... it made me a stonger person inside! I look back to those sleepless nights with one baby on my chest and one in my arms and I am rocking them in the fluffy recliner, and they are so sick and I was so tired ... I made it thru. Definately stronger now! Definately appreciate the simple things and times in life, that is for sure.

Hang in there, sending a big hug from me to you

... I do understand about the long hard road ... road will be better soon!

Take care, and smile ... I am thinking abuot you!

Thanks, it HAS gotten a lot easier. My twins are kindergarteners this year and according to teachers are not only able to keep up with their classmates but are performing at a second semester 1st grade level. Both are extremely bright and could be headed for the AG program if they can keep it up. What a blessing!! Having preemies definately puts things in perspective. All I prayed for when they were struggling in incubators in the NICU, was them to be able to run and play with the other kids, to sit and learn in the same classroom as other kids. They didn''t have to be the best and brightest, but just to be able to keep up was going to be a prayer answered for me. After my daughter''s last teacher/ parent conference where the teacher went on and on about how smart, sweet and well liked my former 1lb. 15.5 oz baby was, I got into my car and cried and thanked God all the way home. My DH got similar news about her former 2lb14.5 oz brother the week before. As type this I''m watching my son riding his bike without training wheels with a big proud smile on his face and watching my daughter make chalk drawings and hopscotch squares on our driveway.

Life is good.

Now in about an hour I''m sure I''ll be breaking up a skirmish of some sort, so I will have to remind myself how lucky I am that they''re around with such loud voices to do so.

Anyone who is a mother of twin preemies deserves a round of applause and a lot respect!

My hat is off to you two ladies!!

Heather

 

[koko]

Date: 4/1/2006 6:22:42 PM
Author: momothree
Shay, I share your same sense of sadness and regret about the world our children are inheriting. I am a huge hugger and cuddler and I think a part of that is me semi-subconsciously trying to protect my children from the world''s woes. I''d be lying if I said I wasn''t terribly concerned about the things they are likely to see and experience as they get older.

Momothree: It''s so wonderful that you are a huge hugger and cuddler. I think your children will be very secure and confident as a result of the physical affection you show them. I grew up in a home where no one touched (much less hugged!) and didn''t say "I love you" ever. As a result it didn''t come naturally at all for me to be physically affectionate with my children and I know now that they suffered for it. They didn''t have that abiding sense of love and security that I wish I could go back and give to them. I always thought I was "there for them", but I don''t think that I communicated that to them.....anyway even with the world as it is, you''re preparing them for what may come in the best possible way.

 

[lmurden]

Date: 4/1/2006 9:08:28 AM
Author: DiamondLil
I did not vote because I think I''m a combination of the first and second choices. I love my kids, I cannot imagine not having kids, and I would have them again, no question. Do I miss my freedom? Of course! But, there are stages we go through with raising a family, and with each passing year (my kids are 11 and almost 14), I am getting my freedom back. I see my kids'' reaching adulthood as the light at the end of the tunnel. My husband and I had 6 years *alone* before the birth of our son. Raising our children is the most challenging and rewarding thing in our lives right now. They are the focus of our daily lives. But we also look forward to the day when it''s back to just the two of us again, and we can look back on these years with pride and joy.

 

[Sundial]

Date: 4/2/2006 10:19:06 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 4/1/2006 10:01:45 AM
Author: KristyDarling
EXACTLY, word-for-word what Diamondlil said (though I voted ''love my kids by miss my freedom). And my kids are a teensy bit younger than hers though (almost 3 and 14 months).

no freedom for us until they become independent. that''s what my wallet been telling me.

I''m with you on this Dancing Fire! Our kids may be out of the house now, but real freedom will come when we can get them employed and earning their own money!!!

 

[MissAva]

Date: 4/3/2006 10:28:44 AM
Author: Sundial

Date: 4/2/2006 10:19:06 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 4/1/2006 10:01:45 AM
Author: KristyDarling
EXACTLY, word-for-word what Diamondlil said (though I voted ''love my kids by miss my freedom). And my kids are a teensy bit younger than hers though (almost 3 and 14 months).

no freedom for us until they become independent. that''s what my wallet been telling me.

I''m with you on this Dancing Fire! Our kids may be out of the house now, but real freedom will come when we can get them employed and earning their own money!!!

Do ya''ll really feel that way? My sister is 25 lives in Tx and our parents in NJ. She is off on her own, happy and bright. And yet I know my parents worry about her everyday, is she happy, does she like her PhD program, is she eating right? And they have a 5 and 13 year old as well as me.

I think once you have them, they are yours forever....there is so much to being a parent. I am so grateful that my parents are mine.

 

[autumngems]

I love my little girl as much as can be, sometimes I wish he had started sooner. We waited 13 years. We lived in Japan for 5 years and I didn''t want to get pregnant there.
Then again sometimes I miss the free time to do things I used to do but I wouldn''t give her up for the world.

 

[Small]

Date: 4/1/2006 5:30:07 PM
Author: Shay37
Having kids was the best decision I''ve ever made, but I do have one regret. I regret that when I look at the world in which we live, I have unfairly burdened them with what they will see and endure in their lives. Sometimes I think I was selfish not to think of them and what they will face to factor in our decision to have kids. Do I regret my life with kids in it, NOT EVEN!!!!!! They are our joy.

shay

I completely agree with this also. My husband says this all the time. As a matter of fact he didn''t want to have kids for this reason. No regrets...I don''t think I even knew what love was until I had my kids. They''ve changed my life in a way I never thought possible

 

[sanfranciscoellen]

I voted for #1. No regrets.

Although technically, I did not make the decision to have kids....my son decided that it was time for us to have a kid even though my husband and I didn''t know it yet! So even though we were like the herd, planning on kids "in our thirties", I got pregnant at 25, delivered at 26, had my second at 28 and my third (and last, I promise) at 32. And I know now that my son was wiser than us, because we love that we had them when we did. We went straight from college to starving grad school life to parents without a single day of "DINK" living, so we never had the financially stable days to enjoy ourselves before kids came. Bad news = no fun....good news = we had nothing to miss! We have become more financially stable with kids, so we can''t see the drain that they are as clearly!

What I say to my friends that are hesitating or torturing themselves over this decision is this...

Before kids, our "range of emotions" scale was 1 to 10. After kids, that scale increased to -5 to 15 (yes, NEGATIVE 5 to 15!). As in, you become a part of a range of human emotions, good and bad, that you can''t access without them. The stakes get bigger. The lows get infintely lower and the highs get infinitely higher.

That is not to say this is good or bad, because for the far richer happiness I have experienced as a mother, I have also become more vulnerable and full of pain than I thought possible. For every exhilarating moment I have had, I have had a moment (emergency room...post-op pediatric surgery recovery room...watching my child almost get hit by a car...seeing my kid getting teased....) that I could imagine living without. Everything just feels......BIGGER.

I''m biased to having kids of course, but I also not only respect but celebrate couples'' decisions to remain childless.