Polite way to avoid houseguests?

[gailrmv]

Can anyone think of a polite way to tell someone that you really would NOT like them to stay at your house?

This has happened to me a couple times lately. I usually suck it up and play hostess, but I'm starting to feel like I run a hotel!

I just got a message from an old friend with whom I am no longer close. She wants to visit several people in my city and stay with me. Evidently nobody else has a guest room. DH, who gets along with nearly everyone, cannot stand this friend and has said he absolutely does not want her to stay with us. I wouldn't mind that much, but with all the other guests we have coming in the next couple months, am not thrilled either - and I respect DH's wishes.

But what to say to my friend without coming off like a b*tch? I'm thinking something like "It would be nice to see you if you want to come to town, but it is not a good time for us to have overnight guests." But what do I say when she asks why, or asks when would be a good time?

 

[swingirl]

Just tell her you aren't able to host her this time but you'd be happy to research local motels/hotels for her to stay at. Then say if it works in her schedule you'd love to have lunch with her while she's in town.

Let's not candy coat it. She's looking for a free place to stay.

 

[sparklyheart]

Date: 1/24/2010 1:36:52 AM
Author:TanDogMom
Can anyone think of a polite way to tell someone that you really would NOT like them to stay at your house?

This has happened to me a couple times lately. I usually suck it up and play hostess, but I''m starting to feel like I run a hotel!

I just got a message from an old friend with whom I am no longer close. She wants to visit several people in my city and stay with me. Evidently nobody else has a guest room. DH, who gets along with nearly everyone, cannot stand this friend and has said he absolutely does not want her to stay with us. I wouldn''t mind that much, but with all the other guests we have coming in the next couple months, am not thrilled either - and I respect DH''s wishes.

But what to say to my friend without coming off like a b*tch? I''m thinking something like ''It would be nice to see you if you want to come to town, but it is not a good time for us to have overnight guests.'' But what do I say when she asks why, or asks when would be a good time?

I like your response. Quite frankly, it''s none of her business why it''s not a good time. If she prods, I would just say you have a lot going on. When would be a good time? "I''m not sure, work/the kids/whatever is keeping us really busy right now." I think suggesting lunch or something sounds good.. If she''s a true friend then she will make time for you on her vacation and respect your right to not have houseguests that treat you as a hotel. Good luck!

 

[drk]

I don''t think I''ve invited myself to anyone''s place except my aunt''s or my brother''s/father''s/mother''s. I would never invite myself to a friend''s place - if they offer, that''s great and I''d love to spend time with them.

I think they way you''ve phrased it is good, and it''s none of her business why. If she asked, I''d just say I''d rather not discuss it or it''s personal. It''s not like it''s hard to find and book a hotel online thes days!

 

[iluvcarats]

I would say

"We just really don''t have the room, but I know of some really great hotels in the area......"
If she is so rude to insist that she doesn''t mind sleeping on the couch, then say

"It''s just really hard to have guests with the baby. It completely disrupts his schedule."

If she doesn''t get it after that, then I would write her off as socially obtuse, and then the case is permanently closed

 

[gailrmv]

Date: 1/24/2010 9:22:52 AM
Author: iluvcarats
I would say


'We just really don't have the room, but I know of some really great hotels in the area......'

If she is so rude to insist that she doesn't mind sleeping on the couch, then say


'It's just really hard to have guests with the baby. It completely disrupts his schedule.'


If she doesn't get it after that, then I would write her off as socially obtuse, and then the case is permanently closed

Thanks everyone for the ideas and for backing me up that I'm not way out of line!


ilovecarats, we do have the room and unfortunately, she knows it.
The problem is that she is most certainly socially obtuse! This is why DH can't stand her, and the reason I am no longer close with her

 

[phoenixgirl]

Wow, how obtuse indeed! I have some friends with whom there is an understanding that if we ever make it to each other''s part of the country, we''ve got a place to stay, but the key is that the host offers first.

I think it''s ok to lie/exaggerate/mislead in such situations. Obviously you can''t say, "My husband can''t stand you, and we think you''re socially obtuse." So I''d just say it wouldn''t work but you''ve love to get together for [whatever], and then if she presses you, make something up.

Let us know what happens!

 

[Puppmom]

Isn''t it interesting how we often find ourselves trying not to offend and upset people who are obnoxious and would not think twice about putting us off?

I find myself in this situation a lot...sometimes I think I just need to grow a pair!

I''m sorry you''re in this situation but, if you''re not close with this person and your husband can''t stand her, it''s sounds like it''s worth having one awkward conversation. If she''s put off, it''s on her.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 1/24/2010 10:45:24 AM
Author: puppmom
Isn''t it interesting how we often find ourselves trying not to offend and upset people who are obnoxious and would not think twice about putting us off?

I find myself in this situation a lot...sometimes I think I just need to grow a pair!

I''m sorry you''re in this situation but, if you''re not close with this person and your husband can''t stand her, it''s sounds like it''s worth having one awkward conversation. If she''s put off, it''s on her.

I know right?! But unfortunately, it''s because we know better, so we won''t allow ourselves to be rude to someone, even if they are rude to us.

TanDogMom, I totally agree that saying something like "I''m sorry, we won''t be able to have you as an overnight guest in our home for your trip, but I''d love to meet up with you for lunch."

Just because you have a guest room doesn''t mean that 1. anyone can invite themselves over whenever they want and/or 2. you have to accept self-invited guests just because they know the room is there. It''s still your right to say who stays in your house!

 

[Mara]

TDM I would just say that you are unable to have her stay with you guys this time, but here are a few hotels in the area that you can recommend, and you hope she has a great time. You really don't have to say much more than that, esp if you aren't that close anymore.

I think that many times people try to 'explain' or come up with a reason or justification for something to people when in reality you aren't required to. You don't want to do something? You just say you won't be able to make it. You don't need to say 'oh we are so tired' or 'we're not feeling well so we're staying in tonite' etc.

We just gave up our guest room for the baby room and I am kind of glad. Not like we had a ton of guests before but now that we will have the baby it will be nice to not to worry about hosting anyone. We will get a sleeper chair so that his Mom or Sis can individually stay with us when they vsiit, but more than one guest and they will have to get a hotel. Also since our new house is smaller than our old one, it is much closer quarters so I actually like the change.

Good luck, you don't have to be rude or anything like that but just say you can't help her this time.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Everyone made really good suggestions. The kid makes a good excuse!

 

[gailrmv]

Thanks all.

I should give a little back story, we were very close friends growing up and she was a bridesmaid in my wedding ~9 years ago. She was very difficult at that time and I feel like her social skills have gotten worse not better as we've grown up. So we have not been close since my wedding. We talk maybe 3 times a year and live in diff parts of the country. Being as she is socially obtuse, though, I don't think she has a clue that her behavior has alienated me so much. She thinks things are just fine between us. So there is a lot of history, it's not just a casual acquaintance, even though we are no longer close.

She and her new husband would be coming here specifically to visit me and also her DH's relatives who live near me. Apparently they don't want to host either (wonder why). From what I can tell, her new husband (who I haven't met) is a real PITA. Also, my husband really cannot stand her due to her behavior at our wedding and another time that she visited us a few years ago.

Anyway, I returned her call today and told her it would not be a good time for her to stay with us. The conversation went OK. She said she would look into hotels and would check back in to see if anything had changed as far as her staying with me before she actually had to pay for the hotel. So as long as I can continue to be assertive at that time, I'm not stuck with unwanted houseguests!

I need to get better at handling this type of situation. I often have the problem of people announcing they will be visiting x time and me not being assertive enough to say that it is not a good time (if it isn't). I go to a lot of effort when I have houseguests and sometimes I am happy to do it; other times I would rather not.

And yes, I am one of those people who always feels inclined to give an explanation even when I shouldn't!

 

[gailrmv]

Date: 1/24/2010 10:45:24 AM
Author: puppmom
Isn''t it interesting how we often find ourselves trying not to offend and upset people who are obnoxious and would not think twice about putting us off?


I find myself in this situation a lot...sometimes I think I just need to grow a pair!


I''m sorry you''re in this situation but, if you''re not close with this person and your husband can''t stand her, it''s sounds like it''s worth having one awkward conversation. If she''s put off, it''s on her.

Well said, and I too need to grow a pair sometimes!

 

[Kaleigh]

I am glad the talk went well. I think it''s soooo weird that her DH has family there, so why ask to stay with you?? Again, her social skills are a bit lacking??

I am the one that would rather stay in a hotel, when visting family.. I would hate to invade someones privacy etc..

Also you just had a baby, methinks you have enough on your plate than playing hostess to out of town guests!!!

 

[Kit]

Date: 1/24/2010 3:18:36 PM
Author: TanDogMom
Thanks all.

I should give a little back story, we were very close friends growing up and she was a bridesmaid in my wedding ~9 years ago. She was very difficult at that time and I feel like her social skills have gotten worse not better as we''ve grown up. So we have not been close since my wedding. We talk maybe 3 times a year and live in diff parts of the country. Being as she is socially obtuse, though, I don''t think she has a clue that her behavior has alienated me so much. She thinks things are just fine between us. So there is a lot of history, it''s not just a casual acquaintance, even though we are no longer close.

She and her new husband would be coming here specifically to visit me and also her DH''s relatives who live near me. Apparently they don''t want to host either (wonder why). From what I can tell, her new husband (who I haven''t met) is a real PITA. Also, my husband really cannot stand her due to her behavior at our wedding and another time that she visited us a few years ago.

Anyway, I returned her call today and told her it would not be a good time for her to stay with us. The conversation went OK. She said she would look into hotels and would check back in to see if anything had changed as far as her staying with me before she actually had to pay for the hotel. So as long as I can continue to be assertive at that time, I''m not stuck with unwanted houseguests!

I need to get better at handling this type of situation. I often have the problem of people announcing they will be visiting x time and me not being assertive enough to say that it is not a good time (if it isn''t). I go to a lot of effort when I have houseguests and sometimes I am happy to do it; other times I would rather not.

And yes, I am one of those people who always feels inclined to give an explanation even when I shouldn''t!

Wow, I can''t believe she is actually going to "check back in," as if you were mistaken or joking the first time you told her it was not a good time.

Some people are so dense, any person with normal social intelligence would get the hint and not bother you again. Sorry you have to put up with this type of very, very poor etiquette. I don''t care how old a friend or the nature of the relationship, her behavior is just not appropriate--IMO.