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asscherisme

Ideal_Rock
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Mar 6, 2006
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Ever have one of those days where you just want to hold yourself inside your house and not want to face anyone? I''m having one of those days where I have had so many contacts with mean rude obnoxious people. Agggg.

And to top it off, I find out today that my 10 year old son is having huge social issues which is nothing new for him at school and had not told me and he just broke down today and told me about how he is being bullied and kids are being so awful to him. He told me nobody sits with him at lunch and when he sits down they move away from him because they tell him he is weird. He has mild autism (aspgergers syndrome) but attends a regular school and many of the kids percieve his as weird, odd, etc. He also has tourettes syndrome which of course is torture for a child with others teasing and being so cruel. He has OCD, depression, Anxiety, etc. He has some serious neurological issues and I love him with all my heart but parenting him is the biggest challenge of my life and heartbreaking sometimes too. Especially with other kids in the house that need my time and attention.




He is so darned smart and has a genious IQ (typical of aspgergers syndrome) and in honors classes and kids take advantage of him, use him to cheat, pretend to like him so they can copy from him and then throw him away and tease him. He is so eager to please he lets kids walk all over him. So he had this major breakdown after school and it talkes all my strenth to not cry. Agggg. Thank goodness he has a great therapist but that does not make those awful kids at school behave better.

So my feeling tonight is that kids are mean and then those kids grow up and become mean adults. Thats been my day. My encounters with rude mean people and my son''s encounters with bullies and users who grow up and continute to bully and use etc.

I''m not always so negative but I''m having one of those people suck days. Kids are so cruel. They pick up on a weekness and feed on it.

Ever get those? Share to make me feel I''m not alone!
 

diamondfan

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 17, 2005
Messages
11,016
amy, I will write more later but my oldest son, who is 14, has o.c.d. tourettes and anxiety. He does not have Aperger''s but he is obsessed with music and guitars and this a main topic of conversation for him. He tells me he has no friends, people tease him etc, but this is partly how he PERCEIVES things, because he does have a core group of friends and he also has girls calling and goes to dances and stuff...it is so hard to hear but I also have to reconile what HE thinks is true and what is really going on, which is tough. He takes medicines and is in therapy, but puberty has been the eye of the hurricane in our house...
 

asscherisme

Ideal_Rock
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Thaniks for sharing. Puberty scares the crap out of me. But its right around the corner. I fear even bigger mood swings


I look forward to seeing what you have to say later. I''m sure you know, OCD, and anxiety often go together and tourettes often comes with OCD as well. His cousin has tourettes and anxiety but without the other issues.

Oh, and I foget to mention depression in there.
 

justjulia

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 4, 2006
Messages
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Oh, hun, I just want to say that I am so sorry that he is being treated this way at school. I think this warrants a meeting with his teachers to make sure they are monitoring what is going on closely enough. As a speech pathologist in a school, I am constantly standing up for kids going through things like this. It''s such a tough scene, socially, for them. Hang in there, okay?
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 15, 2006
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7,485
Amy,

I just wanted to add my sympathies to thosee that have been expressed. It''s so unfortnate that bad people stand out so much more than good one''s, and there are so many good people in the world. I am a substitute teacher earning my M.Ed. and being in the trenches, so to speak, has brought about an awareness that didn''t exist for me before. My heart goes out to you and your son. Take pride in being such a caring, loving mother. He is lucky to have you as his advocate.

~K
 

diamondseeker2006

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
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It is very, very tough. I am sorry to hear this. Do you have any other school options? We are putting our youngest in a small private school for middle and high school to avoid some problems (not that any school will be perfect, of course).
 

diamondfan

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 17, 2005
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My son is smart, handsome, and talented yet thinks no one likes him and thinks everyone else is "normal" and he is not. It tears me apart, and it is a huge challenge parenting this type of kid...love and patience are vital but it takes something else too...and I feel my two younger kids do suffer a bit because it so drains me. Every day is a new onslaught of complaints and hurts and I have run out of ways to deal with it effectively...and forget about praising him or complimenting him, he does not believe me or hear me at all...
 

Kaleigh

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Joined
Nov 18, 2004
Messages
29,570
Amy,
My heart goes out to you as well. I don''t have any wise words of advice, other''s here are way more experienced in this than I am. Just wanted you to know I''m sorry your son is experiencing such pain. Kids can be so cruel and mean. I hope that you can work with his school, so that he can be happy there. It used to be we said, well kids are kids, they''ll be mean, but I think that has changed as of late. It''s no longer acceptable, and with knowledge maybe they will learn to accept him. Hang in there, you''ll get lots of great advice and support here.
 

lumpkin

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 24, 2005
Messages
2,491
SOME people DO suck. And I have had more than one day like that myself.

I have a 9 year old with Asperger''s and ADHD. Right now everything is going well with him socially, but as he gets older I worry the gap will become more evident. On a few occasions I have noticed two moms (both have girls) at school functions looking at him like he''s a leper when he talks to them. For the most part we have a really nurturing wonderful elementary school and great teachers, kids, and parents (with a few notable exceptions). Our middle school is another story and I''m seriously considering home schooling. We have a sizable home school community here, so he definitely will not be isolated -- they have tons of activities and curriculums.

I think sometimes it''s easy to get drawn into depression as mothers of kids like ours. I know I went through a bout last year. I never expected to re-experience all the feelings I had as a kid. Sometimes when I''m talking to other moms, whom I really don''t know well, I feel like *I''M* the one on the playground. And some of the parents get into cliques and groups. I''m in the same one I was always in -- the one that wouldn''t commit to any one group! I hate all that nonsense. I try to take each person as an individual, not as part of the sports mom group, or the girls in dance mom group, or whatever. It''s hard not to project all that stuff onto my kid, who is having a very different experience than I am, and certainly than I had as a kid myself.

Anyway, you are certainly not alone. There are actually a number of us here on this board who have kids with challenges. This is a great group for bucking you up!
 

Tacori E-ring

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Joined
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20,038
I don''t know if this will help but I saw a great Larry King on Autism (I couldn''t believe how common it is) and one of the parents talked about writing a letter to all the students in their child''s class explaining his condition. The other kids actually took to this well and were inspired to help her son do better. They all learned from each other and instead of being scared by his condition (b/c like it or not ignorance creates fear) they embraced it and it was a really healthy situation. I thought it was such a great idea. I am not sure if it will work in your situation but maybe worth a try.

I cannot even imagine how hard it is to see your child struggle with ANYTHING. I hope things get better!
 

upgrading mama

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 28, 2005
Messages
1,826
amy,
I am so sorry that your son is going through this, that is just awful.

I have 2 little boys (only 2 1/2 and 1 1/2) but I can''t imagine how I will feel when they tell me these things. It is so hurtful to know that someone out there could actually not love and dote on our little angels.

Sadly, I think the only way to affect change in these situations is to educate.
Could you talk to his teacher, or an administrator? MAybe they could have a day where they educate the kids about different syndromes and disorders, and how to handle those ''wierdnesses'' that they percieve.

I was a teacher before I had my boys and I know they educate teachers (I had one boy with Turettes)....

Just hug your boy and tell him how much you love him and how wonderful he is...I know it is so easy for me to say, but it really should help, mom''s always do.....

(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))) to you both!
 

diamondfan

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 17, 2005
Messages
11,016
We diagnosed my son about this time four years ago. He went into class the next day, in 4th grade, and asked the teacher if he could talk to the class. He got up and told them what was going on, the diagnosis, what it meant, that he was still the same kid but that he might make some noises etc...and he just wanted them to know and hear it from him. We never told him to do this, we were still sort of deciding what to do and how to handle things...it was not that we said NOT to, but just we had not really discussed the issues involved in telling or who we should tell etc...he got in the car that afternoon and told me and he asked, Was that okay, Mom? I never wanted him to think we were ashamed of his issues or make him feel he should hide it, and I was on the one hand very proud and impressed that he took it upon himself to get up there, unprompted by us, in order to tell the kids what was up. I almost cried at how brave that was. He also had gone away to sleep away camp for eight weeks, without knowing a soul, the summer before we diagnosed him, and he did amazingly. I could not have done it at his age. Now, he is on medication and sees a therapist, and I have a good friend who is a psychiatrist who sees him in her home since her son and mine are best friends, and she says he is really functioning and capable. She never noticed it until I told her and even now has to look for it. Puberty is a bad time in terms of all the hormones and normal developmental angst and issues, but it does start to ease as they come out the other side...but boy I am exhausted some days, and I feel for him as well as my middle son who really takes it on the chin sometimes...
 

asscherisme

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 6, 2006
Messages
2,734
Wow, I'm in tears about these supportive posts. Lumpkin I so agree. I find myself being drawn into depression but I dont' have time to allow myself to get down but I do. I actually have 2 kids with aspergers but my other child with it is much younger so he does not have the same social issues. but it kind of depresses me because I know the path he is headed down. But he is very different so hopefully he wont' have such a hard time. But he is very challenging the same. And I SO hear you on the other moms things and clicks etc. When you have a child suffering it brings back all those childhood trauma. I hate the mom cliques. I hated cliques in high school and was a very non cliquiy sort of person.

I have found that the mom cliquies are WORSE than high school.

I have thought of other school situations but am not impressed by the private schools near me. And I know my limits, I don't think have it in me to homeschool. My son is way smarter than me and I am college educated and like to consider myself smart :) and I don't know how I would teach the honors material that he needs. But it something thats still in the back of my mind.

He has a really hard time at school because he gets angry super easy and has these meltdowns where he starts shreiking. His Aspergers is mild to severe. He actually tried to commit suicide and THATS when I started fighting depression myself.

The school is aware of his conditions. In fact a few month ago it was so bad I asked for a meeting with the principal as well as his teachers. His honors teachers are wonderful. His regular home teacher is a b**ch. No kidding. When the other moms found out who my son had theywere like, oh poor you.

I'm not a big Oprah fan but tommorow her topic is on Autism. I hope she mentioned aspergers. I think it will for sure highlight the stress on parents caring for autistic children. And I have 2 of them. Plus also non affected children as well. And my non affected children do NOT understand why their brothers act the way they do. I think they are starting to get it but I feel so guilty becuase they get so much less time from me. I do my best though and thats all I can do.

On the bright side, I'm in the market for a emerald cut diamond. I know it won't make anything better, but its fun to do something for ME for once!

Diamondfan, I"m glad your son is doing well. My son does not want kids at school knowing about aspergers but the way he acts, they KNOW something is different about him. It just breaks my heart that he is already being labeled as weird and odd.

Thanks for listening :)
 

Tacori E-ring

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 15, 2005
Messages
20,038
I think it is more important for the kids to know than the moms. One lady on the show had three sons (all her kids) with autism. I wish they could figure out what caused it so we could try to do something about it. My heart really goes out to you and your family. ECs are my favorite and I wish you all the luck finding the diamond of your dreams. Distraction is ALWAYS good!
 

diamondfan

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 17, 2005
Messages
11,016
Amy believe me he has more down or rough and tough days than not. He gets in the car from school and it starts, who said what, who was mean, who teased him...and the problem is it is not ALL true, he thinks it is and acts based on those assumptions, but teachers have told me when I call about an incident that it did not occur and that he is wrong. I tell him sometimes he misinterprets things, one of his perceptual issues, and it cannot always be as bad as he says, though I think he does believe it at the time. We have a lot of clarifying and revisiting things in order to get to the bottom of things, even as I want him to start being able to handle more and more on his own. It was odd that my son chose to tell, it did not have time to come up, we were still kind of dealing with the diagnosis. I respect that he did it on his own at that age. He has a lot of talents and gifts, but he does not see them, and never believes me if I tell him so. Others can tell him, he might be open to it, but never really from me. If I tell him something, such as what to say to someone who hurts him, he tells me I am out of touch with this generation. Sometimes though he does absorb it and uses it later, and tells me I was right all along. Kids are terrible to each other now days, and the funny or ironic part to me is so many of the kids in his grade or the entire school have issues. It seems like so many kids today are affected, maybe we are more hyper aware, and our diagnostic techniques are better...it used to be in the 1950''s a doctor could not find an autistic kid easily, now it is something like one in 166 births or something. I always stress to my son that we are all unique, we might have quirks or passions or focal things that are special in us, we are not all from the same mold. And different is fine, mean and cruel are not. A lot of the kids who tease have their OWN set of problems...and I always tell my son I would not trade him for the world, except I hate his suffering and his view that he is a freak and no one likes him...that is sad to me. I tell him he is ahead of his time, when he grows up the girls will appreciate him! And it is so weird because I think he is handsome, objectively, one of my best friends who has one child, a girl, thinks my son looks like Ben Affleck and thinks he is so adorable...maybe the 8th grade girls do not appreciate a great smile and dimpled chin and cute nose etc, but someday he will hopefully feel good about himself and realize his strengths...
 

asscherisme

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 6, 2006
Messages
2,734
tacori, I love your ring. When I was lurking and looking up emerald cuts, I kept drooling over yours.

Diamondfan, boy can I relate! The whole perception thing. Its hard to sort out whats really happened vs his perception. But his behavior is odd a lot of times. I do see it and I have heard during my meeting with the teachers. I just wish they would keep me more informed.

People tell me my son looks like a young JFK Jr and he was very handsome! (so tragic he died so young). So hopefully as he gets older his looks will give him a bit of an in socially. We are working on social skills with his therapist and home but when he gets stressed it all goes out the window. And kids don''t forget anything. Meltdowns at school are socially unacceptable.

And I agree with you about diagnosis. When we were kids, those kids were the loners and eccentric and nerds etc. My son wants to be a research scientist and get a PhD one day and I think that would be a great job for him. Bench scientist would be perfect for his smarts and limited social skills.
 

Tacori E-ring

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 15, 2005
Messages
20,038
ah, thanks Amy! We bought it before my PS days so I think we got pretty lucky!

Are there support groups you both can go to? (I didn''t read everyone''s response so maybe it was already discussed) I agree with DF, kids are so mean. They find your weakness SO easily and with someone like your son I am sure he is misunderstood a lot! It sounds like he has wonderful goals so he just needs to focus on those instead of what is going on now (easier said than done).
 

diamondfan

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 17, 2005
Messages
11,016
My son acts fine most of the time, but he misreads signals socially and sings out loud while in class, he loves music, and he talks about guitars ad naseaum. It is almost like Asperger''s but he does not have it, just total obsessional stuff. He is very bright, and is a great track athlete, plays guitar amazingly well for his age and for how long he has been at it, is a great artist and writer, and is so kind to people. He is unfortunately easily manipulated or made to feel bad about what we have...he hears about how much his dad must make, and he feels guilt, though it is NOT a topic of discussion in our home and I hope he and his brothers always value what they have in life.

As for the emerald cut, I am on my second upgrade, and for both I went with emerald cuts...I LOVE them. I hope you find your dream one. What are you looking for exactly?
 

bookworm21

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 17, 2005
Messages
1,007
Amy, I''m so sorry your son is going through this. Kids can be so cruel. I was bullied myself all throughout my adolescence, so I know how depressing it can be. I''ve still not really recovered all my self-esteem from it; it''s a slow process.

The best advice I can give you is this: talk to your son more and make him realize that in the future, these kids may not be as successful in life as he will be. More often than not, the bullies usually wind up regretting their actions later in life when they see how the bully-ee has overcome all that negativity and succeeded in spite of it.

I have no experience with asperger''s or anything, but my heart goes out for your son. Tell him to stay strong and that this phase in life, although difficult, is short in the bigger scheme of things.
 

Independent Gal

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2006
Messages
5,471
Hi Amy,

One of my oldest and closest friends has a brother with asperger''s, only he wasn''t diagnosed until he was about 22! That meant that he always thought it was ''him'', which made it so much harder. He was a chess champion, did very well in math and things, but couldn''t read other people well enough to function socially.

Anyway, soon after he was diagnosed, he fell in with a group of observant Muslim boys around his age who had a games club. Because these boys don''t drink or party or try to ''pick up'' girls, he didn''t have those kinds of social pressures, and because he''s so good at games, they got along really well. These boys totally accepted him as he was and he felt welcome and appreciated. He finally had a social group and it made him so happy! He finally finished college, which was hard for him, even though he''s so math smart.

But here''s the clincher to make you count your blessings: soon after things started to really look up, we found out he had bone cancer and that his chances of surviving for more than a few months were very slim. Poor guy! It was so heartbreaking. And even more so because his life had been so hard up until that point. But they found a match for a transplant and now, 3 years later, he''s alive and well and flourishing! A miracle!

However hard life is for your boy, maybe he will find his niche like Peter did. If he wants to be a scientist, he''ll probably find a place where he feels at home with other scientists who are math brainy and quirky.

And even if he doesn''t, thank heavens he''s alive and otherwise healthy! I can only imagine how hard it must be for you though. You and your son are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

lumpkin

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 24, 2005
Messages
2,491
Amy, I think I got really interested in diamonds because they are the ONE thing no one else can borrow, use up, or ruin by spilling food/drink (or by being sick on or having an accident on). Seriously, not even my shampoo or face cream are safe! My husband loves my creams. I don''t really mind sharing, but I think my bridal jewelry became VERY important to me because everything else I have is not mine alone. My bridal jewelry is an expression of my independence, individuality and taste. It''s also the one thing that will last me a life time if I choose to keep it. My husband is very understanding -- his car is his alone. But I always want a new diamond, which is unfortunate.
So I live vicariously. I will be watching to see what you get!

Diamondfan, I think your son sounds awesome. What a wonderful kid.

I think my truly biggest challenge is sleep. My older one with Asperger''s has a devil of a time sleeping and has anxiety. He''s hell on wheels when he hasn''t slept well for a few nights. We give him melatonin at his doctor''s suggestion. Even then he sometimes does not sleep all night, and I''ll tell you what, melatonin knocks me down, so there''s no way he''s willing himself not to sleep. It''s a big problem because it sometimes keeps me from getting things done, and that makes the whole family disfunctional. I have another child who is 5, he adores his big brother, though. He has sensory integration disfunction, but luckily just gently desensitizing him has helped a lot, but it has been time consuming.

As far as the mom cliques, I have found some very nice moms who aren''t in any, and that''s been my haven at school functions. If they aren''t at that particular one, I try to seek someone else out, but it can be awkward. My older one has joined cub scouts and it seems like many of the asperger kids (and there are a few at his school) or aspie-ish kids are there, so it''s nice.

I hope you can find some other moms at your son''s school. Elementary school is the best opportunity for that. I think as they get older the opportunities diminish.

Also, Amy, do you go to temple? There maybe some opportunity to find caring friends at your synagogue. Personally I''m still looking for a comfortable church. I''ve not found the right place, but I know a lot of other people who have found a real haven where they worship.
 

asscherisme

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 6, 2006
Messages
2,734
Again, I am so blown away by all this support! I logged on to post stats on an emerald cut in rocky talk my jewler offered to bring in to me (I''m supposed to get back to him) and checked over here.

Sandiegolady, I agree with you about labels and taking away from personal responsibility. Absulutely. But correct diagnosis always helps explain behavior that we did not get before. In other words, aspergers explains why my son has meltodowns, gets angry etc. BUT by having the correct diagnosis, it also allows us to try and teach him how society expects him to behave, therapy to cope with his out of control feelings etc. My goal is to assimilate him as much as possible so hopefully he can functon socially to the best he can. I teach all my kids to be respectful, treat others well, manners etc.

I''ll type more tommorow I need to get my kids to bed and then I''m going to my basement to hit my treadmill. Its a great stress reliever! Its my guilt free way of watching TV :)

Oh and lumpkin, that is such a great point. With a large family I have zero space, zero privacy, nothing is mine. And while I treasure my family and am lucky to have them, the new diamond ring will be mine! Noobody will wear it but me and its something I can enjoy every day whether I go out or stay in all day. And something that is great now and will be great 25 years from now! And my husband is ALL for it!

I have a really nice eternity band with rounds and I love how emerald cut rings look with round eternity bands (mine is channel set). Even though the shapes are different I think its such a great classic look. Very traditional. The elegant emerald cut with the sparkly round band. I also have a plain comfort fit band for days I feel more subdued LOL.

Everything is for the kids, retirement etc and we own our home, own our cars so something for me yeah :)
 

asscherisme

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 6, 2006
Messages
2,734
Sandiegolady, thanks for the clarification, but I picked up on what you meant from the first post so no apologies needed :) I could tell from your tone and the way you said it, you were not talking about my son.

I see a LOT in my town parents who don''t know how to say no to their kids or who don''t discipline their kids . They are doing their kids a total diservice. But thats a whole different topic!
 

aquarius_ser

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Apr 12, 2006
Messages
269
I haven''t read all the posts above yet, but I just wanted to tell you that I completely agree 100% that people suck!

Hang in there!
 

asscherisme

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 6, 2006
Messages
2,734
When I take my son to his therapy appointment the other day, the therapist wanted to talk to me alone for a few minutes at the end to update me on his progress. Anyway, she made the mistake (for her!) of asking how I am. And I told her that I''m in a bad state of mind this week and people suck and I''m tired of users and mean people. Her response was "Yup you are right, people DO suck. Many many people do. I was like Oh, OK, thanks. Very odd encounter but I can see how she thinks that since she deals with peoples problems all day long!
 

marvel

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 8, 2005
Messages
1,133
People do suck, amy...except for all the PS'ers


I think it's a tough job being a mom to begin with, then to have to deal with mean kids, it's just heartbreaking. I never heard of aspgergers, until my 12 year daughter asked me if SHE had it. I said, I don't even know what it is. Sometimes she has difficulities concentrating and she doesn't have too many friends out side of school. Of course I think she's a great kid with a huge heart, but kids are mean, especially girls. She is always telling me about what so and so said or did, and it breaks my heart and i want to take out these kids. Then I have to remember, they're just kids too with there own set of problems. I would much rather go through any pain that she's going through.

Well, I think I'm just rambling, but try and hang in there. I know it gets tough, but we have to be strong for our kids. A few years back I went through severe depression. I'm on paxil now, and luckily I came out of that depression. There were days that I did not want to go on with my life, I did not want to get out of bed, but I knew that she needed me. She was my driving force. Anyway, make sure you take care of yourself. Talk to a therapist if you need too. That's it for now...sorry for the rambling.
 

asscherisme

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 6, 2006
Messages
2,734
marvel, thanks for sharing. I''m glad you came through the depression. I can tell you BOTH boys and girls are mean. I have both sons and daughters. Mean in different ways, but equally hurtful. My daughter has experienced some of the mean girl suff too but she is more resiliant.

It IS heartbreaking and the pain that my kids suffer is WORSE than anything I experience msyelf. Ya know what I mean? I wish I could take their pain for them but watching them go thruogh it hurts as much if not more than what they are going through.

I do have to watch myself to not fall into a depression. I am borderline there now. I definately have trouble getting out of bed but my kids need me so have no choice since its only my husband and me raising them with zero family to help us. So I need to be strong for the kids.

How did you daughter learn about aspergers? Did she learn about it in school? Another child having it?

I find it really kind of great that you daughter was even informed what it is. That to me is a good thing.
 
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