Opinions on discussing parenting styles before TTC

[NewEnglandLady]

I think everybody would agree that making sure you are on the same page in terms of parenting styles before TTC is important. But I''m interested to know how much you discussed parenting "scenarios" before TTC.

Tgal''s thread on raising a "spirited child" started a "spirited" discussion between myself and DH. I''ve always known that I would be the disciplinarian in our relationship. D and I have talked about parenting extensively, since long before we were married, and always agreed that we would be a good team. I am admittedly more rigid than D, who is very laid back, but we thought the balance was good. We''ve butted heads even while rasing our dogs, but I still think we made a good team.

So over the weekend we started talking about the "what would you do if your child was throwing a temper tantrum in public" scenario. This led to the "What would you do if your child threw a temper tantrum in Disneyworld" scenario. Then it led to some other scenarios. Then it led to me realizing that DH and I were fundamentally not agreeing on how to handle most of these situations. At one point D even said "Just give the child a cookie". Everything went blank after that as I started yelling "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? A COOKIE FOR SCREAMING??!" I am pretty sure he was joking...I hope. In any case, we ended up agreeing that talking about specific scenarios was stressful and that we trusted each other to do what we felt was best and agreed that we needed to be a team and work with our strengths (me: unshakeable boundary establisher, him: super patient, logical dad). Since we do plan to start TTC at the end of this year, I am admittedly starting to wonder if we might need to invest in some time in a bit of pre-parenting counseling, haha. I even TiVoed Supernanny last night.

So I''m just interested to find out how much you discussed parenting before having kids. Did you go over many different scenarios and talk about exactly what you''d do. Did you implicity trust each other and not really worry about specific scenarios? Did you read several books? If you did any of these things, did it end up not even mattering because things were different once you actually had the child?

 

[DivaDiamond007]

We discussed children while we were dating, engaged and early into our marriage. I never thought I''d have any so it was usually a conversation that went nowhere

When we did decide to have children, we trusted each other and didn''t worry about any specific situations because you don''t really know how you''ll react until the moment has arrived. Our son is a bit spirited himself and we are on the same page when it comes to handling him. We also pick our battles in order to avoid unnecessary tantrums.

We didn''t read any parenting books, but I do have a Dr. Sears book hiding somewhere in a box in the basement that I read a bit of while I was still pregnant. I use PS for advice and also the other moms that I know in real life.

 

[meresal]

A cookie... I guess that is an option.

If our child starts screaming at Disney World, we will take him back to the resort, drop him off with a babysitter, and go to the parks ourselves. We LOVE Disney World and a screaming child isn't going to ruin our trip

.

Surprisingly, DH and I did alot of talking about parenting styles while we were dating. It is actually one of the things that makes me so attracted to him. Also, whenever we come across a "scenario" in public we always play out the hypothetical "what would we do". For example, this weekend we were at a car wash waiting for our vehicle, and these two parents were being overrun by their 3 boys... they were annoying everyone around and repeatedly blocking the tv from the other children. DH and I actually learn ALOT from watching other parents in public, and it has helped open BOTH of our eyes to what works in certain situations and what does not.

(Re: The couple above) They eventually let the boys outside to play in a rock garden where they began throwing rocks at eachother and slamming them on the ground...

Just start paying more attention in public, and I have a feeling that your DH will see that being the "well liked" parent, means getting walked over by your kids. (Just an FYI, it is obvious to point out the parent/parents that are trying to control and the ones that aren't... so at least you'll have the sympathy of those around.)

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

We definitely talked about it. Some of the conversations followed visits with our young nieces and others were hypothetical. We agreed that I'll most likely be the disciplinarian for day-to-day offenses like elbows on tables and yelling in the house and DH will come in as back up when needed and will also play the bad guy when he sees something that's not ok. We definitely have our conflicts when disciplining out pets. I'll be in the middle of handling a situation and DH will correct the dog or cat over me or some similar thing. I know it's a reactionary thing for him, he's not purposely trying to undermine me, but he is none-the-less. We both agree however that those things won't work when we have kids and he's trying to work on it. But no, we haven't specifically discussed our strategy for when our toddler freaks out in a grocery store, etc.

 

[Lauren8211]

We''ve discussed at length what we would do in hundreds of situations. We agree 99% of the time, and 100% with a little bit of discussion.

I also told DH that I refuse to have him be the "respected" disciplinarian while I''m just a nagging mom. We both have to enforce the same rules. I don''t want to be a mom who says "You just wait until your father comes home."

The kids should respect both of us equally, so we are going to enforce rules equally. We are a united front, we NEVER waiver in front of the kid(s).

 

[janinegirly]

Since we got preggo early on (3 mo's into marriage) there wasn't alot of talk on this pre-pregnancy. While preggo we did--and were mostly on the same page. We both believed in working as a team and being firm in establishing boundaries,etc. We discussed potential scenarios, and I was happy to hear DH's responses. Especially since I had a feeling I'd be the disciplinarian and he'd be the softy (we were having a girl afterall!).

But.....things do change/adjust once the child is here. I turned out to be the complete softy! DH even said "looks like I'm going to have to be the disciplinarian since clearly you're not!" haha. I do expect that this will change as she gets older and more verbal and realizes I'm the day to day caretaker and daddy is more fun and games (she is already starting to get this). I guess my point is..it is a v. good idea to discuss and come up with scenarios, but also realize things might change..and sometimes life has to be a combination of advanced preparation and learning on the job.

Another example of this (and one case where DH was WAY off)--we were discussing TV's in rooms and he said our daughter can have hers at 10. I was like WHAT, are you crazy? Well he has definitely changed his tune now that he sees how she already bosses him around with the remote at the age of 1. haha. No TV in room ever now.

BTW, I'm excited for you TTC'ing soon!

 

[Lilac]

We definitely discussed parenting styles, but I can''t remember talking about specific scenarios (like if our child has a tantrum in a store what''s our plan of action). Mostly the discussions came up regarding his parents/my parents and how they handled things as we were growing up. Both his parents were strict disciplinarians and had a very "dictator"-like attitude. A lot of criticism, but never any praise for good behavior. While we know it''s important to discipline your kids, we don''t want to be like them at all because it really hurts a kid''s self-esteem. On the flip side, we see my stepfather and how he treats my younger brother - he allows him to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants and now my brother pretty much thinks he can do anything and not get in trouble.

So while DH and I haven''t talked about specific situations and how we''ll handle them, we know that we don''t want to be the dictator parents who just yell all the time and we don''t want to be the parents who defend their child and say it''s ok ALL the time even when the child does something wrong. When the time comes and we have kids, we''ll find a balance between the two.

 

[fieryred33143]

I think what''s more important is to have a high level conversation about how you will communicate with each other during these scenarios. We agreed on two things:

1. We will discuss all issues with each other first so that we are on the same page before approaching DD
2. If we are ever in a position where one has to discipline DD, the other should not disagree with the method in front of DD (hence why #1 is important to us)

We would discuss different scenarios but it all went out the window once we had DD. FI is a lot less strict as he thought he would be and a lot "softer." I''m a lot more strict than I thought I would be. For example, he always said that he would do the steps that Super Nanny has parents go through when it comes to bedtime (putting in room and continuing to put back if child leaves the room). However, if she''s in her room and starts complaining he immediately wants to run in there and pick her up. I thought I wouldn''t be able to deal with listening to her call out to us or complain but I can deal with it a lot better than he can.

DD is only 8 months but she''s at an age where she''s being a little more daring. We''re trying to teach her the word NO. She doesn''t understand it but she''s starting to understand tone. So if I take something from her and say NO and point my finger at her, she usually looks at FI who will also say NO in a firm tone even if he wasn''t around to see why I''m telling her NO.

The only thing we have to learn now is how to stay serious when she starts laughing

 

[packrat]

We talk about everything, all the time-heck, ours are 6 and almost 3, and we still discuss situations we see when we''re out and about.

We did a lot of talking about how we were raised and how we would want to do some things differently. He was allowed to pretty much do whatever/whenever, and my parents were super strict.

 

[TravelingGal]

We discussed it a lot. Most sleep related stuff, but also the united front thing. We''re pretty good at it, but it''s definitely easier said than done.

We were brought up similarly, which I think helps a lot.

Our basic belief is the the kid does not rule the roost. It''s actually amazed me how on the same page TGuy and I am about parenting. And we''re even more amazed with every passing day that somehow, we have this nice kid that came from our genes!

 

[sugarpie honeybun]

DH and I were both raised similarly and had a common understanding that we would also raise our children the same way. Unfortunately, DH is a strong believer that children only misbehave because their parents “allow” it or because of what they’re used to seeing at home. For example, if we’re at a nice restaurant and a child is acting up and uncontrollable, DH usually says it’s because their parents didn’t do a good job teaching them that the behavior is unacceptable and won’t be tolerated. I don’t necessarily agree with this way of thinking, but didn’t think it was worth arguing over. Now that we have a baby of our own, I’m very curious to see if his way of thought changes at all…

 

[taovandel]

One thing we discussed in length prior to having Evan was computer/tv usage and bad eating habits.

My husband is/was a huge computer freak playing World of Warcraft and playstation games....I told him I didn''t want Evan getting into all of that type of stuff while a child. I wanted him to be active and to actually go outside into the real world. This started some huge discussions/fights with us...as my husband just didn''t understand and kept saying that not all kids get obsessed like he did. We went back and forth, back and forth....never really settling on anything. But my husband lessened his computer usage and I think we wound up on my side of the argument..haha

We both have pretty bad eating habits but my husband is obsessed with sodas. I haven''t had a soda in probably 7-8 years. This was another issue I wanted to put my foot down on and insisted that no child of mine would have soda and be addicted like he is. Not sure where this one will wind up as Evan is only 4 months....I''m hoping I win this one also.

I also don''t want to eat out all the time with Evan like we do now--or I guess I should say like we did. We''ve stopped eating out as often since having Evan and we''ve started cooking more. This was one discussion we could both agree on.

It''s not always just about the disciplining during a temper tantrum....it''s other small things that need discussing also.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

This is alll very helpful, thanks for all the replies!

I agree that how you were raised does play a big role in your own views. I see that in myself and in D and we''ve talked about it quite a bit (what differences we''d like to see in our parenting than our parents'' parenting). I definitely agree with Fiery that if a form of discipline is not approved by one parent, it''s vetoed. I think these things are probably more realistic to discuss other than the "how woud you handle your child if..." scenarios. I think that if we develop a good habit of being a team, then the rest will take care of itself.

 

[Pandora II]

DH and I are each one of four kids and come from very similar family backgrounds. I''m the eldest in my family and he''s no.2 in his, so we both got to watch our parents ''parenting'' and some of our siblings ''parenting''.

We talked about it at great length as we were really on the fence about kids. When we decided to have one, it was full-on ''Project Baby''.

I would say that we are 99% in agreement on parenting Daisy so far. We both subscribe to Attachment Parenting, Baby Led Weaning and extended breast-feeding, which is pretty important with 3 in 1 (non-king size) bed!

We''re both pretty hot on discipline and on children not disturbing other people - especially as we take Daisy to a lot of adult events - and even at 9 months, she understands ''No'' and ''that look''. We spent a lot of time discussing what is acceptable and also methods of punishment (gawd, that sounds like we wrote a Torture Handbook or something

).

We need to watch ourselves on ''computers'' though. DH and I are pretty much surgically attached to our laptops - and Daisy is getting one for her first birthday!

 

[Jas12]

IMO I don''t think you need to start studying books or anything now, unless you *really* want to. Why? Because:
a) it''s hard to predict what kind of parent you''ll be before it happens (i know myself well, but even i didn''t predict how hard it would be make certain decisions on discipline. I am reading a bit now in response to my kid''s behaviour)
b) you don''t know the temperment of your kid (i have a sensitive, introverted ''thinker''. I can tell that about him now even at age 2. His personality totally influences how i deal with him.

I think the most important thing is that you have a good open communication with DH (which you obviously do). I am the assertive one in my marriage and call most of the shots. So for discipline i give DH the instruction and he trusts my judgement. We agreed to always be on the same page in the ''heat of the moment'' and if we disagree about how something was handled we talk about it later (away from the kid). i am a teacher and have worked with kids/teens my whole life so he trusts my decisions, but he''s also made a few rules that although i might not fully agree with, i support b/c we need to compromise.
I do think it''s a good idea to talk about how you were raised. As we all know, parenting can be cyclical/generational. This was importnat to me. DH came from a spoiled family. He somehow turned out great, but his siblings are spoiled, entitled brats. Luckily DH easily sees how that happened and swears he won''t let it happen with his kids, but sometimes ppl unintentionally duplicate the way they were raised. We discussed this plenty while dating.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

We didn''t talk about this too much before I became PG, but when we did we were almost always in sync.

Thinking back now, our convos were mostly about what we didn''t want to do versus what we would do (in hypothetical situations)