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Opinions.... help!

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Junkenpo

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 28, 2007
Messages
115
(sorry, little long)

Would you consider a "long-distance" engagement/marriage?

.....Or would you just wait until he moved back home?


(sigh) Boyfriend and I are both from Maui.....but right now I live on Maui & he lives on Oahu (never moved back after college). I have a job were I can fly up for about 5 days every 4weeks or so.... and because I''m in an education position, I get winter/spring & summer breaks off, too...which I do use to visit him.

We''ve been doing this for about 3 years now.

Earlier this year, BF brought up the fact he still had ex-fiancee''s ring & asked if it would be "tacky" (duh!) to give to someone else. I told him trade in/up would be a better idea...and b/c I found PS, I told him I''d get the specs on what I''d want...

So... I haven''t given him specs....so I know he hasn''t bought the ring.... and we still refer to each other as "boyfriend/girlfriend"....although we talk a lot about "us" for "when" he moves home (he''s currently in the process of buying a house--on maui--w/his Dad)....

Last year, he told me he was tired of his job/boss and wanted to move home early this year....then he told me he found out his job site was being renovated in October of this year, so he said he''d move back in October... and then the renovations got pushed back to January...so guess what?... another year of waiting...

And he just told me yesterday that his lease was up but he has to renew for a year because they won''t let him sign a 9mo lease! So he''ll move back next April...

And his take... ? "Don''t you think I''m worth waiting for?"


To be fair... he''s an awesome guy & wonderful person... we have a great relationship (esp considering the distance) we share a phone plan & I talk to him everyday... and we were friends long before we became serious about each other... but I''m pretty sure he''s not going to propose until he''s back on Maui w/a stable job here....b/c he needs to feel like he can "take care of me" or at least "hold up his end" ...

And I dunno if I want to wait that long to be engaged ... esp when I know planning for the wedding will take some time... and the house will ready by late this year! (And I''ll be 30 in January....and he wants kids! )


So....


Should I press? I can''t see how being engaged/married will be too much different that what he have now!


Oh and yes, I could move up to be with him for year ... except I''m exactly where I want to be (job-wise) and there might not be a position open next year when he says he''ll move back!
 

Kit

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 7, 2005
Messages
501
Just get engaged now, with a place holder ring if you have to. You''ll have about a year to plan your wedding with being LD, and then you can get married in March or April of next year and move in together.
 

Alienor

Rough_Rock
Joined
Apr 1, 2007
Messages
95
Date: 4/19/2007 12:26:18 AM
Author: Kit
Just get engaged now, with a place holder ring if you have to. You''ll have about a year to plan your wedding with being LD, and then you can get married in March or April of next year and move in together.
I second that. :)
 

sarahthewarrior

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 2, 2007
Messages
223
My boyfriend and I have been playing this game for almost 6 years now. I have to admit that I was never keen on a long-distance engagement or marriage, especially considering that the most consecutive time we have ever been able to spend together is about 3 months. He also felt very strongly about waiting to be together with a steady job so he could "take care of" me and whatnot. I think what he always used to tell me was this: "It''s one thing to say that my girlfriend lives halfway across the country, but I refuse to say my wife does." I guess since I was sympathetic to this, it never really bothered me, and I was fine with waiting.

But now that I''m starting grad school in the fall, I should get a proposal sometime this spring/summer, and we''ll be moving in together while I''m at school (finally!). Since that''s a pretty big step, I didn''t want to just jump into a marriage without spending some serious time together first. Not that I have doubts at all--I''d just like a better level of comfort (with each other, school, job) before marriage.

Nevertheless, this really comes down to you. If you''re not happy with the situation, you need to speak up now. I''m still pretty young, so I can sympathize with your impatience that he wants to wait another year and still wants kids. There''s definitely a difference between being worth waiting for and just stringing someone along, so it''s important for you to take care of this now. So I guess after all this rambling, I agree with the other replies--go ahead and get engaged if that''s what you want. Just make sure it''s what he wants, too.

 

havernell

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 10, 2006
Messages
571
If he can find a job on Maui, it sounds like the only thing holding him back from moving is his current lease, yes? If that's the case, could he try to find someone to sublet his place/take over the lease for the last few months of the lease? That way he could move close to you but not lose money on his lease.



I just kind of think it makes sense to wait until you live close together to get engaged if possible. When you are planning the wedding you'll want to be able to go check out venues and things together. In the grad scheme of things, what's one more year when your life will be 85 years long, you know? Like you said, guys usually want to feel stable (i.e. have set job and house) before they propose. Sounds like your guy is one of them.

Also, I know you said you don't think things will be any different once you finally live close by, but that is really just a guess. You never know what will happen when you see each other all the time rather than just a few days a month. I'd want to be in the same place for a least a while before getting married.

So, as long as he is being proactive about moving back to Maui (i.e. he IS actively looking for a new job, and IS moving forward on the house with his dad) I think you should hold off on the engagement pressure. Different people just naturally take longer to feel "ready" to be engaged. It's not like he's been dragging his feet for ten years, you know?

Sorry my response was so long! Good luck with it!
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
Messages
12,170
Date: 4/19/2007 1:27:38 PM
Author: havernell
If he can find a job on Maui, it sounds like the only thing holding him back from moving is his current lease, yes? If that''s the case, could he try to find someone to sublet his place/take over the lease for the last few months of the lease? That way he could move close to you but not lose money on his lease.




I just kind of think it makes sense to wait until you live close together to get engaged if possible. When you are planning the wedding you''ll want to be able to go check out venues and things together. In the grad scheme of things, what''s one more year when your life will be 85 years long, you know? Like you said, guys usually want to feel stable (i.e. have set job and house) before they propose. Sounds like your guy is one of them.


Also, I know you said you don''t think things will be any different once you finally live close by, but that is really just a guess. You never know what will happen when you see each other all the time rather than just a few days a month. I''d want to be in the same place for a least a while before getting married.


So, as long as he is being proactive about moving back to Maui (i.e. he IS actively looking for a new job, and IS moving forward on the house with his dad) I think you should hold off on the engagement pressure. Different people just naturally take longer to feel ''ready'' to be engaged. It''s not like he''s been dragging his feet for ten years, you know?


Sorry my response was so long! Good luck with it!
I agree with everything you wrote here!!
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
Messages
1,899
DH and I did a long distance engagement and it really isn''t fun at all. If you feel comfortable doing that, then it''s up to you, but my personal experience was that it felt even worse to have to be away from each other after the engagement. It''s one thing when it''s a GF/ BF, but a whole other thing when it''s a FI or spouse. DH and I are currently long distance because he is on deployment and LD really REALLY is awful once you''re married. So, I would say make whatever arrangements possible to be in the same place so you can fully enjoy your engagement and marriage.

*M*
 

Junkenpo

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 28, 2007
Messages
115
Thanks for the feedback & advice ladies!

Sometimes it helps to have the obvious pointed out to you... i.e. the best person to talk to about this is HIM! LOL
 
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