Opinion vs. Support

[Tacori E-ring]

Do you think people really want your opinion when they ask you if you like things or just want your support that THEY are making the right decision?

 

[meresal]

Depends on the person. Usually they just want justification though, IMO.

I know which of my friends are just looking for support and which are not. I am very honest though, so I usually verify that they actually want my opinion before speaking.

 

[purrfectpear]

I would say the majority are just looking for confirmation and ego strokes.

 

[Shoopy]

The latter for sure.

And you can tell after you give a response to that person what they were really looking for.

 

[tlh]

I''m not sure. I know I give my honest thoughts on the matter at hand, unless it is a loaded question, in which they are just looking for support.

 

[Erin]

I don''t know Tacori, what do YOU think? Are you thinking of giving someone your honest opinion and just want justification to do so?

 

[monarch64]

I think 90% of the time people are just looking for validation. Not necessarily that they are doing the right thing, but that their feelings about something are justified.

 

[Maisie]

When I ask for an opinion its usually because I am not sure if I should do something. If I have made up my mind I wouldn''t usually ask advice.

 

[Porridge]

Date: 6/16/2009 4:55:43 PM
Author: Starset Princess
I don''t know Tacori, what do YOU think? Are you thinking of giving someone your honest opinion and just want justification to do so?

LOL starset. I think it depends on the person, but usually the latter.

 

[Sha]

It depends on the situation I think... Sometimes people honestly want other perspectives/opinions on an issue and other times they just want to feel validated. On PS - when people post ''vents'' - then usually, to me, they''re looking for support. When people directly ask for feedback/opinions then I try to be as honest as possible, though.

 

[trillionaire]

lol, I''m going to go with support and justification/validation.

I''ve yet to hear a GF say ''YOU ARE SO RIGHT! I''m leaving the bastard'' when I have suggested that they deserve better in a relationship

 

[chrono]

I appreciate honest information even if it is different from mine. There is always something to consider that I might not have thought about. I do understand that others think differently though and are actually looking for affirmation and not necessarily wanting an honest opinion.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

This is one of my personal pet peeves. I am NOT a good liar and am fairly blunt. For example (and what led me to ask this) my ILs picked out granite which I hated at first sight. They ARE the type of people that just want me to back-up their decision so I didn''t really say anything which is always an awkward situation. I think most people think they have good taste so I guess it is pointless to disagree. Also it seemed like their mind was already made up. Anyways, I was curious if most people are like my ILs or like me. Personally, if I ask you something I DO want your honest opinion. If I don''t I would just say "look at the pretty granite I picked out today!" and leave it at that.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Generally, I reflect people feelings and go from there; most of the time I find people are not looking for a true "opinion". I have no problem with that; venting and listening is part of communication.

cheers--Sharon

 

[Black Jade]

Depends on the person. I think you can sort of tell which they are wishing for by their body language and the way they phrse things when they ask you for your opinion. that''s why online is so hard. No real cues.

I am a truthful person, though, even if I think they just want validation, if I think it''s important enough. To give an example, ifr someone asks me if they should get a round or princess cut diamond and they clearly already have made up their mind in favor of the round, I''ll say that that''s the one which looks nice (unless I believe that they are getting cheated in some way). However, if someone asks me to approve of their getting engaged to an already married man who will leave his wife and little kids for them, I will express in a polite way that I think that is neither a good (morally) or smart thing to do (what about when they are the wife and he meets someone else)? They may or may not follow my advice (by the time someone asks something like this, they''ve usually already made up their mind the wrong way) but it''s important enough to tell the truth about.

Unfortunately for some reason it''s the people making major messes like this that keep coming back again and again for validation, making new excuses as to why their situation is somehow different and why you should approve and how you''re so judgmental, blah blah blah blah. Probably because they don''t really approve of themselves, KWIM? So I''ve made a rule to myelf to tell the truth ONCE and then to refuse to discuss it anymore. It''s exhausting and there''s no point to it at all.

 

[Sabine]

I think for most people it''s easy to tell if they are really having a dilemma and want an opinion, or already have their mind made up and want reassurance.

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 6/16/2009 5:40:45 PM
Author: Maisie
When I ask for an opinion its usually because I am not sure if I should do something. If I have made up my mind I wouldn''t usually ask advice.

Ditto.

This is true for this forum, too. It''s a supportive atmosphere, but people do have opinions, and I would only ask a question if I truly hadn''t made up my mind yet and wanted to get a feel for what other people think. Otherwise, there''s no point and it can easily go awry.

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 6/16/2009 9:02:30 PM
Author: Sabine
I think for most people it's easy to tell if they are really having a dilemma and want an opinion, or already have their mind made up and want reassurance.

HI:

Gosh, really? Why then would people ask? I must admit I have never found communication "easy". All of these are seperate entities and therefore are subject to different permutations and combinations of interpretation. Not so dogmatic. Or maybe that is just MHO!

cheers--Sharon

 

[Haven]

I think people generally want support. I''ve responded to a few posters asking for opinions here on PS, only to learn by their responses that they really just wanted support. Seeking support is fine, but I don''t know to give it if people don''t ask for it.

 

[Skippy123]

No for the most part, ditto the others.

 

[swimmer]

ditto squared.

 

[House Cat]

I just clicked over to this forum to ask almost this same question. Must be something in the air.

I have a friend who wanted advice, but didn''t like it once it was given. The situation was really yucky. Dating new guy, he cheated on her within 3 months, what should she do? Well, I''m sure you know my answer. The advice was discarded. She''s choosing to stay. I''m sort of at a loss as far as how to react to her new beau and the stories about him.

My teens, they ask for advice sometimes, yet they never take it. Seems like people just need to make their own mistakes in order to learn real lessons? I know that I never listened to my parents either.

Opinions, well, I think a lot of people only want to hear positive opinions. Unless, say, you''re out shopping for clothes, no one wants to leave the house looking awful. So an honest girlfriend opinion is always welcome.

Back to the friend who''s dating that guy, I think she wants my positive opinion. I think it will never happen. So now, I stay quiet. It''s awkward.

I think I''m learning advice and honest negative opinions are best kept to myself.

When it comes to things like granite, if I don''t like the color or style, I will try and say something nice about granite. I will say something like "Oh and what''s so great about granite is that it''s antibacterial!" Then they feel complimented, but I was pretty true to myself. I dunno, just a little thing I do.

Tacori, I appreciate honesty. If you told me you didn''t like my granite, we would have a big laugh and then we''d joke about it for years to come, because I''d be stuck with the granite and you''d be stuck looking at it every single time you came over! I think honest people appreciate honest people because we know how tough it is to wear those shoes sometimes.

 

[somethingshiny]

Doh! I always assume they want an opinion. (if the topic is "what do you think, say, feel, etc about ------?") I sure give an opinion!!!

Tacori~ I know what you''re saying about your ILs. Mine are the same way. They get MAD if you don''t like something and they remember it forever. I''m not a liar and I refuse to try to become one, so if you ask--I''ll answer!! With my ILs, I''ve got a couple of back-up phrases I use though. The first is "well, that''s a ---- (insert what it actually is here, counter, cabinet, sofa, tv, car, jewel, etc) The second is "oh! Tell me what you think about that!" or "Do you love it?!"

People who know me only ask if they really want my opinion. My mom couldn''t believe how forward I was with my little sis when she told me she wants to have her bf move in with her and asked what I thought. But, I hope my opinion will help her to think through her decision and maybe open up some other dialogue with her bf that she hadn''t thought about yet.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

House Cat, I think all teenagers don''t want real advice but with maturity I would hope we could all be a little more open minded. They have not bought/installed the granite yet. If so I would have NEVER said anything. It was just an odd situation but I guess I am not a very good actress b/c DH said it was obvious I didn''t like it. Haha. But at the end of the day I don''t really care. It is not my house

but this is a pattern with them and it is tiring. You are 100% right. I do like honesty b/c I think I am a very honest person.

SS, glad I am not the only one who deals with this! Maybe I should turn it around on them. Like your ILs I feel like they NEVER forget too and get insulted if I don''t like something they picked out (which is insane I think). My MIL appreciates my opinion more but my FIL will give me the look of death is I disagree with something he has picked out.

 

[princessplease]

It depends on the person. Most people I''ve encountered though are looking for their decisions validated.

 

[SapphireLover]

Are we talking IRL or on the internet forums?

I have a friend IRL who is in an awful relationship, and she knows it is and that it is going nowhere. Whenever she brings it up (I would never start the conversation) I am open and honest about what I think and she values my opinion as it helps her see things more objectively. She has thanked me for my honesty and says it is being really helpful.

On internet forums, after the past week I have had, I don''t know what people want- support or opinions. I''ve seen people talk about doing not very nice things and then being upset because of not getting the support they wanted.

I also occassionally look at another board (wedding related) and there have been some goings on on there. Somebody was on the board for over a year, starting some threads that managed to get a lot of info off people, such as budgets for weddings, attitudes to marriage and infedelity etc. Same girl then came out and said that she was a fake and she had made it all up (including a pregnacy and miscarriage) as part of a PhD she was doing into how people open up on forums. TBH, her explanation was very weird, anybody with half an academic brain would know that what she was doing would never pass an ethics committee. People on that forum are exceptionally hurt and betrayed by the whole thing. On a lighter side- some people post some pics of wedding dresses that IMHO are awful. In those cases I keep my opinion to myself!!!!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

sapphire, I was talking about IRL or at least that is what prompted the question but agree that even online some people do not want the truth.

 

[SapphireLover]

Date: 6/17/2009 9:55:57 AM
Author: Tacori E-ring
sapphire, I was talking about IRL or at least that is what prompted the question but agree that even online some people do not want the truth.

After giving it a bit more thought, I think your true friends are the ones where you can give your opinions and support to. If you can speak your mind and they won''t reject you for it, thats a sign of true friendship.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 6/17/2009 10:11:06 AM
Author: SapphireLover

Date: 6/17/2009 9:55:57 AM

Author: Tacori E-ring

sapphire, I was talking about IRL or at least that is what prompted the question but agree that even online some people do not want the truth.

After giving it a bit more thought, I think your true friends are the ones where you can give your opinions and support to. If you can speak your mind and they won''t reject you for it, thats a sign of true friendship.

Haha, guess my inlaws are not true friends

. Honestly I think they aren''t used to people who actually speak their own opinions even if they are unpopular. Not sure I am who they would have chose for their son

 

[Thomperchik]

Date: 6/16/2009 4:59:29 PM
Author: monarch64
I think 90% of the time people are just looking for validation. Not necessarily that they are doing the right thing, but that their feelings about something are justified.

Agree 100%!