Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

Opinion on something

momhappy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2013
Messages
4,660
If you had a strong suspicion that a visiting friend (who stayed with you) cheated on their spouse the last time they visited/stayed with you, would you feel comfortable having them stay with you in the future?
 

OreoRosies86

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 25, 2012
Messages
3,233
My friends are my friends and I do my best not to judge them. As long as he/she wasn't actively cheating while in my home, my hospitality is no strings attached.
 

telephone89

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 29, 2014
Messages
3,883
While I'd like to say 'as long as it's not in my house', I wouldn't want to be complicit in that sort of activity. However, if you don't know for sure, I'd err on the side of 'no judgment'. I mean, if she asks if she can use your house as a f&ck pad, feel free to say no. But otherwise I wouldn't want to damage a relationship over a suspicion.
 

momhappy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2013
Messages
4,660
I'm not judging and I don't consider it any of my business, but that doesn't change the fact that it might make me feel uncomfortable about inviting them to stay in the future.
 

redwood66

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
7,241
I am sorry momhappy. That would make me uncomfortable also. I probably would not say anything unless I knew for sure it was true. If it was a close friend I would probably have to say something to them but my close friends would likely tell me anyway. If it is not a close friend then I might not let them stay again at my house but suggest a hotel instead.
 

CJ2008

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 31, 2006
Messages
4,750
azstonie|1480448994|4103501 said:
Yet another reason to avoid houseguests!!!

Ooof.
::)

Unless I knew for sure, I'd try not to think about it...because it can all seem that way and not be...

But it would bother me...
 

momhappy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2013
Messages
4,660
I would never say anything. I don't consider it my business. However, I have a choice about who stays in my house. If it was true, and the spouse found out, I wouldn't want to be a part of it in any way.
 

Puppmom

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 25, 2007
Messages
3,160
Momhappy, from the perspective of someone who just watched very close friends go through a divorce - nope. To each their own but I would not want to be caught in the middle of that. I don't think it's judging at all - it's just making the statement you're not going to be a part of it. And shame on a friend to put you in that position.

I would feel less strongly about it if staying at my house and cheating were unrelated - but if staying at my house was the alibi or meet up place - definitely not.
 

monarch64

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 12, 2005
Messages
17,986
It depends on the circumstances, really. If it was some totally random, I've-made-a-huge-mistake hookup due to some regrettable episode of drinking too much, and the friend seemed like the type to feel remorse, I'd probably find it within myself to chalk it up to poor behavior and not a flaw in character. But...if a friend stayed with me under the guise of visiting me but either used me as an alibi or deliberately planned to cheat? Hell no, I wouldn't want them staying with me again! That's just rude and inconsiderate, and I would not make time for that person to be in my life. Because what does that say about their opinion of me? It says they either think I'm stupid and that I wouldn't catch on to what was happening, and/or they don't respect me, period.
 

caf

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Nov 26, 2013
Messages
1,218
momhappy|1480445654|4103486 said:
If you had a strong suspicion that a visiting friend (who stayed with you) cheated on their spouse the last time they visited/stayed with you, would you feel comfortable having them stay with you in the future?
Nope. I would not feel comfortable. I am all for not judging. But enjoying my hospitality while probably cheating on their spouse is not something that I need going on around me and my family. Too much drama, heightened emotion, etc. I would feel uncomfortable. And it also is not the way a friend should treat you. (or me).
 

momhappy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2013
Messages
4,660
Monarch - this would not be considered the I-made-a-huge-mistake-drunken hook-up type of cheating. The cheating would be planned, but not the main reason for the visit (so, they weren't using me just to cheat, but it was worked into the "schedule" during the visit). Again, I have no proof, but I'm also not stupid.
 

monarch64

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 12, 2005
Messages
17,986
momhappy|1480463472|4103570 said:
Monarch - this would not be considered the I-made-a-huge-mistake-drunken hook-up type of cheating. The cheating would be planned, but not the main reason for the visit (so, they weren't using me just to cheat, but it was worked into the "schedule" during the visit). Again, I have no proof, but I'm also not stupid.
Yeah, I would not be cool with that at all. That puts you in a really awkward position if/when the spouse finds out, not to mention it's just rude.
 

PintoBean

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 27, 2011
Messages
6,583
Nope - I don't need more drama, so I'd happen to be painting or fumigating or demolishing my house on the dates that friend would want to stay at my house.
 

rainydaze

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
May 1, 2007
Messages
2,952
:lol: Pinto, you crack me up!

mom, I don't know. I started off thinking there's a lot of 'it depends'. But then ultimately I'd have a hard time pretending that I don't know what's going on, and that makes it a no-go for me. I'm not comfortable having houseguests to begin with, so to have one that brings that added discomfort would probably happen to have me demolishing my house that week, too. ;-)
 

momhappy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2013
Messages
4,660
^That's exactly it. I'm not a super-fan of houseguests either and while I get that I don't know for sure that there's cheating, it's still enough to make it more uncomfortable than it already is. Unfortunately, the decision is not all mine to make. DH has an opinion too and he's fine with the houseguest. I have a feeling it's something I'll have to stand firm on if I choose that battle.
 

the_mother_thing

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Mar 2, 2013
Messages
6,224
I am with the others who said they wouldn't go for it. And it's a shame (if it's true) that a 'friend' would put you in that situation to be complicit in their actions. Does your hubby know what you suspect?
 

momhappy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2013
Messages
4,660
Yes, I talked to him about it. I love the guy, but I think sometimes he's naive when it comes to these things. He doesn't see any issues....and he likes houseguests.... :lol: ;-)
I have a feeling it will come up again (soon) and I'll be made to feel like I have no choice about having this person visit. My husband will say I'm being silly, rude (for not inviting this person to stay with us), etc. and then I'll feel guilty and cave.
 

marymm

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 21, 2010
Messages
4,349
Yeah, this is a tough situation.

On the one hand, if it is a long-time friend, I'd hesitate to pass judgment based on suspicions (no matter how well-founded).

On the other hand, if it were me in this situation, I'd want to consider what my (and my DH's) answers would be to these kinds of questions:

- Is the guy your DH's friend and then became yours, or vice versa?
- Was the guy your/DH's friend well before he got married?
- Is the wife a good friend of yours?
- Are there mixed loyalties involved?
- Do/would you feel constrained talking with the wife about the friend's schedule/goings-on while he stays/stayed with you?
- If the friend is indeed cheating on his wife, does that mean he isn't your friend anymore in your eyes?
 

Bayek

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
May 11, 2013
Messages
7,374
Wouldn't want them back again if I was positively sure she was using me as a ruse.
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
29,142
momhappy|1480448402|4103499 said:
I'm not judging and I don't consider it any of my business, but that doesn't change the fact that it might make me feel uncomfortable about inviting them to stay in the future.
Oh brother! :roll:

You ARE judging and that's a GOOD thing.

People who don't judge let thier 14 year old daughter 'date' the 50 yr old homeless guy who lives under that bridge.
 

momhappy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2013
Messages
4,660
Ok, sure, I'm judging. i suppose if it makes me uncomfortable that the person staying in my house may be cheating on their spouse during their visit, then yes, I'm judging.
 

momhappy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2013
Messages
4,660
marymm|1480522753|4103751 said:
Yeah, this is a tough situation.

On the one hand, if it is a long-time friend, I'd hesitate to pass judgment based on suspicions (no matter how well-founded).

On the other hand, if it were me in this situation, I'd want to consider what my (and my DH's) answers would be to these kinds of questions:

- Is the guy your DH's friend and then became yours, or vice versa?
- Was the guy your/DH's friend well before he got married?
- Is the wife a good friend of yours?
- Are there mixed loyalties involved?
- Do/would you feel constrained talking with the wife about the friend's schedule/goings-on while he stays/stayed with you?
- If the friend is indeed cheating on his wife, does that mean he isn't your friend anymore in your eyes?
I guess I'm not as concerned with the details. Yes, I'm (casual) friends with the spouse, but again, I have no intention of doing anything other than making decisions about whether or not this person stays with us again (I haven't really thought of it in terms of talking to the spouse, ending the friendship, etc.).
 

smitcompton

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 11, 2006
Messages
2,694
Hi,

I had a situation like this many yrs ago. My boss took me and another gal with him when he changed jobs. I really liked him and got to know both his wife and the other woman who he took with him. I liked them all. But I liked him the best. I knew he loved his wife and family(3 grown kids) and was happy he took me with him to the new company. We didn't work directly together, so I only saw him and my other co-worker who did work with him at company meetings. At one such meeting, I was just looking at him look at my co-worker and saw the goo-goo eyes when he looked at her and was a bit startled. I mentioned it to another person who told me that Mr. X had seen my boss come out of the fellow co-workers apartment at 7.30 In the morning and everyone thought they were having an affair.

My boss asked me if I would allow my co-worker to stay in my home while she recouped from a broken leg or sprain. I lived in the suburbs near work, she lived in Chicago. I agreed. It worked out fine until the wife began to ask me if I thought there might be something going on between her husband and the co-worker. I could not tell her. They had been married thirty yrs.

The co-worker moved to California, he moved to Florida, but still stayed in touch with some Chicagoians. The wife stilled pumped me on the possible affair because my boss was so depressed, she thought he missed the co-worker. Throughout, I could not tell her. I knew, and others knew he would never leave his wife, who he did love.(yes, yes I know).

To this day, I am happy I never told her. She would have been crushed beyond belief. Funny, all of them were nice people, and I also never regretted her staying at my house. I just stayed out of it.

Annette
 

momhappy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2013
Messages
4,660
Thanks for sharing, Annette.
I have every intention of staying out of it.
For me, it's just a comfort level issue that is associated with having this person as a houseguest. I actually don't have control over the friendship, so my only role is whether or not I give the ok for them to stay here. I really just wanted to know if it might make others uncomfortable too, or if I was being overly-sensitive about it.
 

House Cat

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 22, 2009
Messages
4,313
It boils down to boundaries. Are you comfortable with being uncomfortable in your own home for this other person's indiscretions? Are you really willing to put your life in this person's marital crossfire for his/her 15 minutes of carnal pleasure?

Break it down to brass tax. Be as blunt at you can with yourself. Then, answer the question.



I have a couple of best friends that I have had for twenty and thirty years. If they were doing this, they would still be allowed to stay. Anyone else can get a hotel.
 

aljdewey

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 25, 2002
Messages
9,147
I'd be totally on board with banning a houseguest if I knew for a fact (i.e. ran into him and his mistress in a compromising position, etc.) there was cheating happening.

I don't think I'd be comfortable banning someone based on suspicion only, no matter how strong. For me, that wouldn't be strong enough to act upon.
 

Indylady

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 28, 2008
Messages
5,586
Oh goodness--I actually think that the issue isn't even morality tied up with your potentially cheating friend--I think the issue is that he makes you uncomfortable, whether he actually cheated or not. Something is clearly off. In that case, I would try to avoid having him as a house guest.

On the topic of actually battling the hubby on it--I'd probably let it go if I could, so as not to burn a bridge for my SO (of course I don't know the details, but I'm imagining that they're very good friends since he's going to be a house guest), but if I genuinely couldn't stand it I'd say something.
 

momhappy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2013
Messages
4,660
I agree. I have always felt that something was off. Oddly enough, I have other friends who have mentioned that they also felt that something was off (so, apparently, it's not just me).
 
Be a part of the community It's free, join today!
    November’s Jewels Of The Weeks
    November’s Jewels Of The Weeks
    Upgrade to Five-Stone
    Upgrade to Five-Stone
    Elizabeth Taylor's Diamond Heart
    Elizabeth Taylor's Diamond Heart

Need Something Special?

Get a quote from multiple trusted and vetted jewelers.

Holloway Cut Advisor



Diamond Eye Candy

Click to view full-size image.
Top