Objective Parents...

[Tmissy]

I am not a parent but am a happy Auntie. Question can those of you that are parents be completely objective when it comes to your own child's say unique personality traits for example the neighbor's kid you can recognize immediately they are very needy, whiney, over indulged, a bully, has full on OCD etc... But in your child are/can you be as objective?

Spent some time the other day with a close girlfriend and her boy "Dino" Dino is a single child and very much has his routines inside the home that the parents indulge.

For example Dino and his close cousins went ice skating and I tagged along.. .on the ride over to the pond the Mom reminded the cousins to let Dino be first skating on to the ice. Dino is 5 yrs old. Dino gets very upset when he is not first. I thought how long do we indulge this behavior?

 

[Imdanny]

I'm guessing this could go on for years.

 

[Skippy123]

That is tough but, you can't change anyone, only yourself. If you don't like it then don't hang around them. I don't think you can do anything about it.

 

[Tmissy]

Sigh!! yeah Imdanny you might be right on that.... Dino needs things very structured at home. I think to myself how is that gonna fly as he ages and ventures further out into the world.

 

[Tmissy]

Skippy, not looking to change anything. Just made an observation. Was just sharing with the community if anyone had made such an observation. I find human behavior fascinating and curious is all.

 

[D&T]

Me and my family we are quite the opposite, when we entertain guests or cousins, we indulge their needs first, always, unless it is an event that is obvious like a birthday- the party is about a specific kid and they should have "first" dibs imo. My sister is also this way, when we come over, my sister takes cares or ask her DDs to let my girls have first option because we are "guests" in their home and that its polite to, plus they can have their turn ALL the time in their house when we are not there.

My SIL on the other hand is quite different, its interesting as I'll watch from afar if we take turns watching our kids play together while we get a party ready. My SIL will ALWAYs want her DD to things first. if another kid is getting a bit riled up due to unsharing of toys, even though her DD was the one that pulled the toys from the other kid first and now an ALL OUT CRY fest has started, she will immediately will say "lets ALL" Share and.... "P" ( her DD will go first- when clearly she was not the one with the toy first) I try not to get upset over it, and do let my DDs know that I am proud of them of how patient they are, but I do make a point that when it is in our house, we let the cousins take first options, because they don't visit that often, and besides they get to play with something all the time in our home. Hope I made sense?

It is a little umcomfortable when you have a child that has a "routine" but that's tough, in the real world when they get older, they need to learn that life isn't going to exactly be routine. Dunno that's just how I feel.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I think I can be VERY objective and know my child's character flaws (as well as my own), but I don't think it is uncommon for parents to be blinded by any negativity. Usually those people are not as self-aware with their own flaws as well.

 

[Munchkin]

Some parents have the ability to be objective, some are forever blinded by love. I think most parents fall somewhere between. I am in primary care pediatrics and I can't begin to tell you the things I've witnessed.

A trend I've borne witness to lately is parents who can recognize flaws but can't put forth the consistent effort to change behaviors. It's a generalization but I see this most in my two income and/or military families, especially with our more recent economic downturn. So many parents are too exhausted at the close of day to work on limits to make their child a better person. Some parents also feel so guilty about being away all day, they can't handle the response a "no" would bring.

That being said, I also have PLENTY of parents who are SO NAIVE! It kills me when I have teens that have been sexually active for 3 years with multiple partners and their parent says to me (with utter sincerity) "Well, I trust my Mary Sue and I know she'll come to me when she decides she's ready for sex, so she doesn't need to see a gyno yet." This is along the same vein as the parents who insist that the child's 2nd grade teacher "hates him" because she's "always yelling at him" and it's "never his fault." Meanwhile the child has behaved inappropriately for the duration of the visit without a word from Mom.

On a venting note: please feel free to intervene if your child isn't behaving appropriately during a visit. Please make your child turn off their DS so I can speak to and examine them, please do not permit them to climb and play with expensive equipment, please hold them if they kick me while I attempt to look in their ears, please do not laugh and say "you're being so silly" if they start barking as loudly as they can while I attempt to listen to lung sounds and please reprimand them if they call the nurse a "bitch" after a finger stick.

 

[D&T]

Some parents have the ability to be objective, some are forever blinded by love. I think most parents fall somewhere between. I am in primary care pediatrics and I can't begin to tell you the things I've witnessed.

A trend I've borne witness to lately is parents who can recognize flaws but can't put forth the consistent effort to change behaviors. It's a generalization but I see this most in my two income and/or military families, especially with our more recent economic downturn. So many parents are too exhausted at the close of day to work on limits to make their child a better person. Some parents also feel so guilty about being away all day, they can't handle the response a "no" would bring.

That being said, I also have PLENTY of parents who are SO NAIVE! It kills me when I have teens that have been sexually active for 3 years with multiple partners and their parent says to me (with utter sincerity) "Well, I trust my Mary Sue and I know she'll come to me when she decides she's ready for sex, so she doesn't need to see a gyno yet." This is along the same vein as the parents who insist that the child's 2nd grade teacher "hates him" because she's "always yelling at him" and it's "never his fault." Meanwhile the child has behaved inappropriately for the duration of the visit without a word from Mom.

On a venting note: please feel free to intervene if your child isn't behaving appropriately during a visit. Please make your child turn off their DS so I can speak to and examine them, please do not permit them to climb and play with expensive equipment, please hold them if they kick me while I attempt to look in their ears, please do not laugh and say "you're being so silly" if they start barking as loudly as they can while I attempt to listen to lung sounds and please reprimand them if they call the nurse a "bitch" after a finger stick.

Oh my! well I'm glad that its ok, when I do reprimand my kid during dr.s visit. I sometimes wonder if I am being too strict or my Pediatrician thinks I'm an insane mom...lol.

Also I may not be the norm - as we are a two parent income household, and I'm very good at saying "NO" to my kids

I see it more often with my circle of friends that are SAHM where they give in too easily to their child all the time, because they are probably too exhausted in hearing more crying or whining from their children.

 

[Munchkin]

D&T - I agree that many SAHM are the most worn out people I know! I feel guilty saying this, but I KNOW I could never be a SAHM. I wish that we had the financial freedom for me to be home one or two days a week, but I don't think I'm a patient enough person to do it every day.

 

[D&T]

D&T - I agree that many SAHM are the most worn out people I know! I feel guilty saying this, but I KNOW I could never be a SAHM. I wish that we had the financial freedom for me to be home one or two days a week, but I don't think I'm a patient enough person to do it every day.

I agree, my hats off to SAHM or SAHDs as its such a hard job to have because you can "never" leave your office. We have a friend in another state and she is a Pediatrician, she works full time and her DH is a SAHD not by choice but due to a job layoff, but I also think it could a personality thing, as her DH has such a fitting SAHD personality, and their kids do not suffer at all, in fact I think they are one of the best kids around.

sorry for the Threadjack... carry on

 

[Tuckins1]

I'm still baking mine, but I hope I can be!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Ooh.. we are having this very issue in my family right now.

My sister has 3 kids who are pretty ferral to put it politely. Wherever we talk on the phone she is always telling me how they are constantly fighting and arguing with each other (and you can hear it).

We recently went to visit my dad for his birthday along with my sister and her family. The two oldest girls (my daughter and her daughter) were constantly getting into spats about everything. My sister is very competitive and has raised her daughter to be competitive also, as she is younger and my daughter is fairly bossy (plus she doesn't have any of her own siblings) they are in a constant struggle for the dominant position.

Now I know my daughter can be bossy and I am sure that she has played an equal part in creating the fighting with her cousin. I can see that and I am objective about her behaviour and I am trying to teach her that just because she is the oldest , it doesn't mean she get to boss the others around.

Well my sister blames all of the fighting on my daughter. She doesn't believe that any of it is her own daughters fault, even though she is always complaining that her three kids are constantly fighting with each other. She can't see how competitive she is and how she has moulded her own daughter to be the same way. It's always my daughters fault and whilst i can see that she is part to blame, I can't believe my sister thinks her children don't do any wrong even though she complains about their behaviour constantly all the time.

Argh, ... this must have been bothering me more than I thought! Sorry about the vent.

So yeah, to cut a long story short, I do think I can be objective about my daughter and her behaviour but I don't think there is anything you can do about people who can't be objective about their own.

 

[MonkeyPie]

I had to deal with so many kids like this as I grew up, and at the time all I could think was, "I wish my mom thought I could no wrong, too!" But as an adult, I can see how terrible it was and how much it hindered them in life - friendships, relationships, and general interaction with other people was always focused on THEM and they fizzled quickly. It's really unfortunate, and I am going to do my best to keep from doing this with my kids. I can see how hard it would be to not lavish my babies in that kind of love - My kid is perfect, he can do no wrong! - but I am going to work hard not to be that way so life is better and easier for them in the long run.

 

[Jennifer W]

I could be wrong, but I don't think there are many truly objective parents out there, any more that there are very many people who can truly see themselves objectively. It's something of an oxymoron. I see a lot of people who can see their child's every flaw (real and imagined) and are quick to point them out, and I've seen plenty people who are perhaps um, less aware?

I don't think I'm able to be entirely objective, because I am unique in seeing my child through the eyes of a mother, along with all that this implies.

(Mine is one of the perfect, angelic, can do no wrong, sun shines from type, btw. )

 

[iLander]

I wish their were more objective parents, but I don't think there are. I'm pretty sure that I'm not objective either. But I do try to instill humility and integrity in my children and I don't stroke their egos constantly. I have seen the results of ego-stroke parenting:

My grandmother was considered the beauty of her wealthy family. She could do no wrong in her parent's eyes and she was quite vain. As the years passed, age stole her looks, life got tough, and she didn't feel my grandfather was keeping her in the manner to which she was accustomed, so she turned into a shrew. She humiliated and harassed him until he literally cried. He became an alcoholic. Fun, fun, I was raised by these people.

My grandmother gave birth to my father. He was her angel child, and she doted on him, and basically ignored her other 2 boys. She thought her oldest was the most handsome guy in the world, and applauded every romantic conquest he made. He never worked at anything, quit every job when no one praised him like mom did, took no responsibility for anything. It was always the other guy's fault. He met my mother, blamed her for getting pregnant, and blamed her when the marriage fell apart in a couple of years. He took no responsibility for me, either. I eventually ended up living with the grandparents and my father rarely came to see me. My grandmother thought my mother had ruined her golden child, and took it out on me, physically and psychologically for my entire childhood.

So, finally, my grandfather passed, and my father moved in with my grandmother (I was grown and moved out long before). She gave her golden boy everything he asked for. He took everything mommy had to give, until her credit card debt was astronomical. She put a CAR on her charge card! She had to declare bankruptcy and sell her house. When she asked my father if she could move somewhere with him, he said no. He left her high and dry.

So, if there are parents raising spoiled rotten kids out there, don't worry; it will eventually bite them in the ass.

 

[Pandora II]

I had parents who were very critical of me and would tend to always point out the negative and concentrate on that both when talking to me and about me to others.

Sadly I had fallen into the same pattern with Daisy when her behaviour became challenging earlier this year and we are now working on changing that - fortunately before it has become a habit!

As a result I am trying to be both objective and positive about my child. I can say that I would guess that even the most aware of parents will struggle with being truly objective!

 

[Tmissy]

Hi All, Happy New Year. Great replies and personal stories too. I know my BFF may never become aware of her "enabling" I do not expect any change either. Just one of those things rolling around in my head that I thought to myself....is just me? Glad it is not.