NOT Home for the Holidays. . . How Do You Handle It?

[iLander]

My DS has texted that he and his new wife won't be coming for Christmas. Our family is very little, so this is kind of a blow to me, but I understand that he is starting his new life.

How do you handle it when your loved ones can't be with you? Or if you're away from "home"?

How do you keep from crying into your eggnog the whole day?

 

[fieryred33143]

You spike the eggnog

My family is big but it's always just my mom, two brothers, and me. FI's family is medium sized but it's always just him, his brother, and parents. We decided we didn't want to be apart for the holidays anymore and started rotating, I think maybe 6 years ago.

The first year it was really hard for me. I cried to my mom over the phone that I loved and missed her and she cried too. We wished each other a great night and that was that. I enjoyed me dinner, drinks, dancing, laughs with his family and looked forward to the next time I would see my mom. I also reminded myself that if I were with my mom, that meant FI would be away from his.
Luckily now the families get along so we celebrate most of the holidays all together. Not sure if the in-laws will be joining us at my mom's this year but we did invite them.

You'll get through it :p

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I didn't spend Thanksgiving with my family which was hard but I made a decision to enjoy myself regardless. Really, it is just one day of the year. So, we will celebrate "thanksgiving" in Jan. when we are all together and in a way I think that will be even more special. I know things are tense with your son so I am sure there is more behind your sadness than the fact you will not be celebrating Christmas together. Just enjoy the family that IS there and hope that someday (soon) things will improve.

 

[kenny]

I think it is important to be flexible around the holidays.
Many of us have very high and very rigid expectations this time of year, especially when it comes to family.
It can be hard to adjust to everyone in the family having differing expectations.

Let's all just be happy to create the nicest season we can, while respecting others in our families are doing the same for themselves.

 

[Circe]

My husband and I sorta prioritized our holidays: his family is vaguely Christian, so we spend Christmas with his family, and mine is old-school Russian, so New Years is with mine. Sadly, combining holidays isn't an option, since we're across the Atlantic from one another.

I think it might be harder on me and mine - we might not be Christians, but Christmas always seemed like a family sort of a day, whereas I don't know if my husband spent a NYE at home once he hit college (for that matter, as my ILs are by no means homebodies, and I mean that in the best of ways, I'm not sure if they have, either). But, like they say, marriage is about compromise ....

Ilander, I remember your previous thread about DIL issues - I do not, by any means, want to pour salt in a wound, but I do want to acknowledge that that changes things a little from the typical circumstances. In a scenario like the one you're dealing with, I'd, a) take Fiery's suggestion of spiking the eggnog, b) practice deep breathing and repeat the mantra that he's starting his new life and this isn't about you-qua-you, and, c) buy myself one HELL of a Christmas present to take my mind off it. This atop sending them a nice, bland-but-sincere card and enjoying everything about the rest of the holiday. To switch it up, might this be a good time for a new tradition of having a party and inviting friends over to share the holiday alongside family?

 

[LtlFirecracker]

This is my first year away from the family for Christmas. My DH does not have any vacation time so we really can't travel. We are going to have our first Christmas as a married couple. We are going to put up a tree (although it will be bear boned since we don't have a lot of ordainments) and have a little Christmas dinner together. I am sure we will be calling everyone. I have started writing cards out to send to the family tonight, and am going to be ordering them gifts soon to let them know I am thinking of them.

My sister lives in the same city as my Father so I know she will not leave him alone.

It is not ideal, but I know we will make the best of it.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

My husband is deployed, so our "Christmas" together will be a few days after Christmas when we meet in Hawaii. It's tough to not have him with me in general, but I think Christmas won't be so bad because I'll be looking forward to seeing him very soon! Our parents live relatively close to each other, so the important thing for us is being flexible about schedules and not really caring about spending the actual day vs another day. For example, I spent Thanksgiving Day with my in-laws and the rest of the weekend with my parents and siblings. I'll spend a few days with the in-laws before Christmas when my sister-in-law and her husband are visiting and Christmas Eve and Day with my family. I don't think the actual day matters, just arranging to see the most family. It will be different once children arrive though and Santa has to come on a certain day Our parents might become a little more territorial then as well, but my husband and I won't want to travel as much either. I guess we'll figure that out later!

 

[monarch64]

Well, FI and I solely rely on each other no matter what the holidays bring. Whether it is Christmas carols, Christmas trees, tons of food, Christmas decorations, Hanukkah lights/presents, light displays, stockings etc. we remain each other's best friends and confidantes...and partners in crime!!! We make the whole holiday season FUN!

 

[lulu66]

This is my first year away from the family for Christmas. My DH does not have any vacation time so we really can't travel. We are going to have our first Christmas as a married couple. We are going to put up a tree (although it will be bear boned since we don't have a lot of ordainments) and have a little Christmas dinner together. I am sure we will be calling everyone. I have started writing cards out to send to the family tonight, and am going to be ordering them gifts soon to let them know I am thinking of them.

My sister lives in the same city as my Father so I know she will not leave him alone.

It is not ideal, but I know we will make the best of it.

ours too ltlfirecracker i wane in & out of being depressed. but i try to focus on the positive. we just saw everyone in september for the wedding. and even if we were a bit closer, it would still be hard--our parents live about 7 hours apart. we are trying to come up w/our own traditions and, of course, mailing & receiving gifts but i have been contemplating cooking something non-traditional, like lasagna, since it will only be the 2 of us & we just cooked a huge thanksgiving meal w/too many leftovers to eat. oh & watching lots & lots of christmas movies & specials that i've set on the dvr.

bottom line: i've cried already. i'll cry again. and i'll have a lovely christmas with my *new* hubby while we are missing all of our other loved ones.

ETA: correct grammatical mistakes

 

[davi_el_mejor]

iLander, like Circe, I do not wish to reopen that wound, but he's starting his new life. I haven't had a christmas at my parents in 6 years. I live on the east coast and they're back on the west coast. As I've grown older and came into my new life, the holidays became easier. The first year, in all honesty, sucked. Strangers made me and my coworkers Thanksgiving dinner (the Coast Guard Auxiliarly really pulls through for the people who work the holidays). Christmas eve and day was spent at work (again), but this time at night (6pm-6am) .

I cope with the holidays by working. I have no children, I'm 4k miles away from my family, the better half goes to the in-laws (after 5 years you'd think it wouldn't be weird... but maybe year 6 will be the year). I volunteer to take the holidays so people with children or family close can enjoy them. It's sort of my present to them.

My best advice, just enjoy the time your family is together. Whether it's on the actual holiday or whenever you can have them together. My holidays are hardly ever on the actual day. Christmas is usually the 22nd or the 29th, Valentine's day 12th or 17th etc... it sort of makes them that much more special.

I hope you can deal well, holidays are stressful.

 

[megumic]

I just cry, end of story. Last year I cried all day. It was miserable. Looks like we're headed in the same direction this year too. It's the worst.

 

[rosetta]

I'm on call Christmas day. My FI is working every day from the 23rd through to new years day.

twas ever thus.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Well, in your specific situation it's probably a good thing... but I'm really sad for you nonetheless. Just do your best and have a wonderful time without them. No sense in letting their need for space make you cry. My husband and I have spent many holidays away from our families and just with our children, at some point the birdies leave the nest and you find other ways to fill it. Have a party - invite people you know and love, go to an animal shelter or a pediatric wing and donate some of your time, serve food for the homeless... maybe giving of yourself in one of those ways will help you to not think about what you *don't* have.

 

[artdecogirl]

Ilander, I am sorry about the situation you are in, when my children started drifting away from the nest it was very hard for me. My son was the first and the worst! Dil and I did uh lets just say, not always see eye to eye and I am ashamed to say I did not always act in a adult manner and she reciprocated, it was very hard but We did come to compromise and my son had to man up a bit and it did get better, I know this season will be hard, but have high hopes for you that things will improve. Have you arranged to do it on another day? That is how we do it now, we will often have it the weekend before or after or like my DD inlaws alternate every other year. Have a blessed holiday Ilander.

 

[JewelFreak]

Big crowds are the best on holidays, small crowds too. Bummer when things change & your thing, iLander, hurts bigger than holidays. We have a choice: bawl in misery (& afterward, remembering) or decide to enjoy moments in the day -- as many as possible. Unhappiness is a choice, even when thrust upon us. Is your missing loved one safe, healthy & simply somewhere else? You're the lucky one; your LO is making a life just as you did at the same age. Tougher gig if your LO is in danger (i.e., deployed) or has died. You have to dredge up faith that he or she will come sailing in the door soon. If LO is gone -- you know those moments when you feel him or her right next to you? They're real. Hold them & believe. They are real. You can make it a warm day for those who are here & need to be enveloped in security & contentment. It will come to you too.

I've experienced each of those situations on holidays. Now, with my parents gone, siblings spread all over the country, and no children, I mourned DH's & my "lonely" holidays. All I got from it was a sad day & feeling out of sorts for a week. But changing that is within my control. I notice the sparkles on the Christmas tree. Blast pretty music through the house. Fill the place with cooking smells, as cozy for 2 as for 50. Light a fire in the fireplace & appreciate warmth, health, safety, a great DH & beloved 4-footed family members hangin' around. In solitary moments I summon the ones who have gone, embrace the love & affection & laughs we shared. Because love, once created & given, is indestructable; its bonds never ever die. Yeah, it's bittersweet -- but our choice whether we nourish the the sweet or the bitter. And we grow.

--- Laurie

 

[junebug17]

Well, FI and I solely rely on each other no matter what the holidays bring. Whether it is Christmas carols, Christmas trees, tons of food, Christmas decorations, Hanukkah lights/presents, light displays, stockings etc. we remain each other's best friends and confidantes...and partners in crime!!! We make the whole holiday season FUN!

Yes, this. Honestly, as long as I have the hubs with me, I'm good. My kids are in college, so they are still home for the holidays, so I admit I haven't really had to experience being away from loved ones during the holidays. But I know that day is coming, and I know it will be hard. But I'm trying to prepare myself in advance. I had a conversation recently with someone who told the story of how her grandparents were absolutely devastated when family members started not to come to holiday functions (too far away, had their own families, etc.) This woman then said that it's very important to find happiness within yourself, because you can't always count on other people to make you happy...because those other people won't always be there. You have to learn how to be happy and content on your own. Her words really made an impression on me, and I think she's right. I know it's easier said than done, but when I reach the day my kids can't make it home, I'm going to try to look for ways and reasons to be happy and fun things to do, rather than focusing on the negatives of not having family members there.

I know this must be tough on you iLander. You've mentioned tension with your son and dil in previous posts, and that might be making this even harder on you. I hope you can find ways to focus on the positive aspects of this holiday season. And spiking the eggnog ain't a bad idea either!

 

[princesss]

This will be the first year in 3 years that I'll spend Christmas with my family.

The last two years were actually pretty good - the first year was ROUGH, but then-BF and I knew that we'd be spending it alone, so we made the best of it. Put up the tree, baked cookies, bought gifts...we focused on finding ways to celebrate and have fun together, and it was pretty great.

Last year was tough because we wanted to go see his family but the Snowpacolypse prevented us from going up. So we did the same thing - my parents sent us a Honeybaked ham and we had another couple over for dinner and board games. It wasn't ideal, but we made it work.

I will say I'm super excited to spend Christmas with my family, but I also enjoyed having it be just us. Your son is starting his own family traditions, and that's great for him. It'll probably be harder for him than he wants to admit, but it's a really cool thing to be able to get things going as a couple and spend the holidays together before trying to figure out how to split them up amongst the two families.

 

[sctsbride09]

DH and I have decided (as of Thanksgiving this year) that we are doing Holidays at our house from now on. Its just too hard having to split the day with relatives, and nobody is ever happy. So we decided to do the selfish thing and make OURSELVES happy. Which means, no driving for 4 hours the day of Xmas, no more questionable side dishes at aunt soandsos,no over the top drunkness at MILs, just us, our 4legged babies, and some delicious food. Perfect. We do holidays with family before or after the day of.

 

[elrohwen]

My family is very small - my parents, DH's mom, and DH's sister. There are extended family members, of course, but we have never celebrated holidays with them.

Once DH and I got engaged we decided as a group to spend holidays together instead of going to one house or the other. Our moms are great friends now, so it's worked out really well. One Christmas was at MIL's, the next was at my parents' house, and this Christmas is at my house. Thanksgiving has usually been at my house as well. Not sure what we'll do once SIL gets engaged, but her bf's family lives 45min away from DH and I so it's convenient to have holidays at our house so she and bf can travel together.

 

[zipzapgirl]

I can speak as the adult child in a similar situation as your son...

I recently married and we've spent several of the past holidays with my family, which has made my mom quite comfortable with the situation and really start taking it for granted in a way. This year we spent Thanksgiving with my family and we'll travel in a completely different direction to see DH's family this year. We've spent the past 4 years in our relationship traveling to see my family at Christmas, so it only seems fair.

In some ways, we puposely did this in order to make them stop taking our presence for granted--a show of independence--because we travel what amounts to about 12 hours to get to their place each time. They refuse to come to ours and last year guilted us into coming. On the other hand, it's really only fair that DH gets to decide 50% of the holidays too.

It doesn't make it easier for anyone that there has been some recent conflict between my parents and DH, with my trying to place peacemaker. So I know that even though our actions are logical (50/50, asserting independence), I'm sure it stings that much more because of the conflict.

My advice to you as the mother would be to give them a call before dinner and ask how the festivities are with them, tell them something funny that has happened on your side, tell them you miss them a lot but hope they're having a great time, and then let them go. If you cry or get upset, there's nothing they can do but feel bad, or worse, feel emotionally blackmailed. So just put on your best attitude and accept that it's not your year. And then have a strong drink of eggnog

 

[gwendolyn]

It's really hard. The most helpful thing for me when I've spent Christmas (and Thanksgiving, and my birthday) away from my family is to make sure that whoever I *am* with knows that it's natural for me to miss my family, and that if I cry, it's not his fault. My husband has gotten very good at understanding how much I miss my family at holidays, and allows me a bit of time to miss them before trying to enjoy time his family (who are a bit evil, as it turns out, so we probably won't have to worry about them in future Christmases as we'll probably be spending the holidays just the two of us).

This year we're really fortunate, as we're flying home to spend the holidays with my family--first time in four years I'll get to spend Christmas with my family!

It's ok to be a bit sad, but it won't help to spend the day crying and thinking of what or who you don't have with you. Maybe talk to them on the phone so they're still a part of your day, but make sure you enjoy other parts of the day too.

 

[trillionaire]

I feel sort of lucky. DH grew up JW, so his family didn't really celebrate Christmas. We always do X-mas with my family, and New Year's with his. I'm dying to do X-mas - New Year's all together and rent a cabin in Tahoe or something, but we'll have to wait until everyone can afford to chip in. This year, we are doing X-mas with my family, and New Year's in Vegas with BOTH families! I feel very loved by his family, so I don't feel bad about the split holidays generally, but I imagine I would be a little miserable if I was spending X-mas away from my family. I don't look forward to my siblings dating seriously and spending X-mas elsewhere. I might pitch a fit...

 

[Andelain]

I'm deployed to Iraq, so it'll be just another work day here except for the nice dinner the DFAC will serve. Truthfully, my family's so distant from each other that to them it won't be any different. I'll miss being around my friends, though.

 

[iLander]

THANK YOU ALL

A lot of you have a lot more difficulty during the holidays than I do, so I really have no right to complain.

But that's not stopping me . . .

Over the last 6 years, 3 family members have passed away, and the people around the tree have gotten fewer and fewer. It's just a little hard to take. And we didn't see him at Thanksgiving. And he didn't even mention our anniversary. It's not like we're far away, we're about 20 minutes from where he works. And they're not going to her mother's house either. I don't actually know what they're doing.

This is also bad for me because it dredges memories of my childhood, with a father who promised to come and sometimes just didn't. So there's piles of issues for me on this.

I guess I will have to get used to it. My BFF says he's going through a self-centered phase in his life, maybe it will pass, maybe it won't. I'll just have to get used to it, I guess. I'll concentrate on making this a great Xmas for those that are coming.

I always say the best thing to do is not think about yourself so much. So I'll take my own advice, and some of you mentioned that too.

I'm tired, or I would reply to each one of you. I think you're all very brave and I hope you make the best of your holidays. Enjoy them, it's only once a year.

And I think I'll skip the eggnog and go straight to the hard stuff . . . the chocolate.

 

[junebug17]

THANK YOU ALL

A lot of you have a lot more difficulty during the holidays than I do, so I really have no right to complain.

But that's not stopping me . . .

Over the last 6 years, 3 family members have passed away, and the people around the tree have gotten fewer and fewer. It's just a little hard to take. And we didn't see him at Thanksgiving. And he didn't even mention our anniversary. It's not like we're far away, we're about 20 minutes from where he works. And they're not going to her mother's house either. I don't actually know what they're doing.

This is also bad for me because it dredges memories of my childhood, with a father who promised to come and sometimes just didn't. So there's piles of issues for me on this.

I guess I will have to get used to it. My BFF says he's going through a self-centered phase in his life, maybe it will pass, maybe it won't. I'll just have to get used to it, I guess. I'll concentrate on making this a great Xmas for those that are coming.

I always say the best thing to do is not think about yourself so much. So I'll take my own advice, and some of you mentioned that too.

I'm tired, or I would reply to each one of you. I think you're all very brave and I hope you make the best of your holidays. Enjoy them, it's only once a year.

And I think I'll skip the eggnog and go straight to the hard stuff . . . the chocolate.

Now that's the spirit! You're my kind of girl!

Seriously, I hear ya about being sad about loved ones not being there for the holidays, things change as we get older (I'm experiencing that too) and the transitions can be tough. I guess all we can do is hang in there and try to make the best of it. Hugs to you, and let's all try to have the best holiday we can.

 

[jstarfireb]

This will be the first year in my life that I won't get to spend the holidays with my family (husband and/or parents). In med school and my first 2 years of residency, we got enough time off during the holidays to travel and see family. In my current residency program, (1) we don't get weekday holiday time off unless we place one of our vacation weeks during the holidays, and (2) I live 3000 miles from my family now. Christmas will be easy because I'm on call and will probably be busy all night, but I have the weekend of New Year's off (unfortunately not enough time to make a cross-country trip happen), and it will be really hard knowing that I can't kiss my husband at midnight. I'm hoping someone will invite me to a party that's good enough to make me not care. Failing that, I sing away my sorrows. The holidays are a great time for singing.