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"Normal" behavior?

Izzy03

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Hello all! I have not been around much because school sucked me in once again. I stopped by to check on CrazyMaybe and I see that she has made the courageous decision to leave her abusive spouse. I wish you the best Crazy!

Things within my own marriage improved briefly, but we are once again unhappy. We did begin seeing a marriage counselor, but we have only had one session so far. I'm afraid we may be beyond counseling. I thought counseling had gone well but a week later we got into an argument and he through everything I said in counseling back in my face. We have another scheduled on Friday, if we make it that long.......

Lately, I feel like I have been waiting for an excuse to leave him. I tell myself, "If he does {FILL IN THE BLANK} one more time, I'm gone!" I used to think that if he could just get sober, I could forget about his past addiction and we could move forward. Well, now that he is "sober", I am constantly worrying if he using and just hiding it really well. I realized that I will NEVER be able to know for sure if he is 100% sober. Assuming that he is sober, I discovered that his addiction was overshadowing other more typical marriage issues, and now we don't have enough fight left in us to deal with all the over problems.

Lately his behavior has been very violent. I always try to approach him in a nonthreatening manner, and never raise my voice. Nonetheless, the slightest things will set him off into a fit of rage. He screams, mocks me, swears, punches walls, throws whatever is in his reach (sunglasses, remote controls, dishes), and sometimes even hits himself or rips his shirt off. Recently I asked him not to text while driving, and he slammed on the brakes, swerved off the interstate, and demanded that I drive. He has never put his hands on me, and while I understand there is a possibility of him becoming physically abusive, I am not afraid for my safety (only the safety of my home decor). He absolutely has learned this behavior from his father, we have talked about it and he says he will work harder to control his temper. It doesn't take long for him have another tantrum. Even the dogs quiver anytime it sounds like he might be agitated.

Tonight we had the all too common "we aren't happy, lets get a divorce" talk, and it was actually more of a civil argument than an all out screaming match (he still mocked me and acted like an ass, but at least he wasn't yelling!). I am trying to decide if I will still have the guts to leave tomorrow, or if this is another "go" of our cycle.

So my question is: Is this kind of behavior normal? I'm referring to how he escalates his anger into a fit of rage: screaming, throwing, punching, etc. While I can't stand it, I almost find myself thinking that maybe he is just that frustrated with our marriage. But this isn't normal right? Why the hell do people get married :angryfire: ?
 

Brown.Eyed.Girl

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This is not normal behavior. Even if you don't feel personally threatened right now, there is no telling when that physical rage can escalate into harmful actions towards you. Please take steps to protect yourself, and get out. It sounds like there are a lot of underlying issues that go beyond your marriage (like his rage) and I would hate to see you become a victim.
 

fieryred33143

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May 18, 2008
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Getting frustrated over upsetting situations is normal. But the way he handles his frustration is not. I don't know if he'll ever hit you but he already has put you in life threatening situations. Is there any way for you to move out on your own while you sort through the divorce?
 

Tacori E-ring

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Have you gone to Al-Anon yet?

Is rage normal? No. Here is the thing, addiction is a disease. Drinking/drugging/raging/etc are *symptoms* of the disease. Sobriety doesn't mean a new perfect, transformed life. There has to be a lot of work for the addict to learn healthy ways to cope. Takes time. Also, it concerns me you think one counseling session will save your marriage. You and your DH have been behaving a certain way for X number of years. One, two, three, session will not erase those patterns. It takes commitment to change.
 

charbie

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NO this is not normal. Not for the majority of people.
however, this may be his "normal" bc it is what he grew up with. He may not know how most people handle anger, frustration, or how to actually have a "fight" with someone he loves. There actually is a healthy way to fight when in a marriage believe it or not. Disagreeing with one another (not all day everyday, but sometimes...and not usually over huge life changing things) happens, and when it does, you should be able to feel safe to make your point be known!

Im not going to threadjack, but I want to give a bit of history on my family, and it may help to see it through the eys of someone who has lived through this and is trying to break the cycle. It may help to see what your life could be like if you decide to stick it out with him.

I grew up with an addict. We didn't know normal. My younger sister made the statement at a young age that she thought daddies were mean people. She thought everyones dad flew off the handle, threatened, raged and then slept a lot. Even though sometimes our dad was nice, he would buy us things when he worked long hours, took our family on vacations, he even was at our sporting events, and would play catch with us....i mean, all normal dad stuff. As long as he wasn't stoned off his pills, which meant he was sleeping, or down in his computer room chain smoking, and if you disturbed him to ask to go play outside...watch out bc he may scream at you, or he may just ignore you, or he may just say, "yeah, ok" and you knew he hadn't really heard what you asked. Scary stuff there, and my poor mom had no idea (seriously...she didn't know about his drug problem, and my dad was the picture perfect upstanding citizen 90% of the time) so you can see how even as a little kid, that was the example. I swear, I don't know what a normal marriage is supposed to be. My husband doent really either...as he grew up in a broken home as well, so we are learning from one another. Even though I can still tell you there are times im scared to death maybe my husband will change from the amazing man he is to suddenly become my father once our own child arrives. I have no reason to believe that, he doesn't take pills, he is loving, and amazing with children. But part of me irrationally believes this bc deep down, that is the only way I know how "daddies" behave. It is the normal for me, just as your husbands normal has been to yell, scream, throw things, etc.

Sooooo....I share this bc my mom was like you, she thought she could make it through it, he would change, and we would be happy. She finally left him when I was 16 after 20 yrs of marriage. I still have the scars...we all do....but it was the life I grew up with, and im not bitter about any of it. But I am excited to make my own family's life waaaaaaaay different from the one my father gave to me.

I wish you nothing but the best in however things work out. I don't believe your husband is a bad person to the core. Im not going to tell you to run away, get out, etc. bc I sympathize with the situation and know if he is will to put in a lot of hard work, he can learn what normal really is. He can. My father is a totally different person today than he was 20 yrs ago. It took a loooooooong time for him to get to where he is today, but if he works on it, and wants to change, there is that possibility.

People my flame me for my view, which is fine, but I don't believe that people with these behaviors are unlovable and incapable of living a normal life ever just bc this is what they were taught and how they behave. My father lost everything before he. Realized he needed to change, he had to hear my sister tell him that she thought all daddies were mean, which broke his heart.
 

zoebartlett

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It's not normal to have that much rage. Angry - sure, that's normal. Frustrated - yep, also normal. Displaying that much rage, however, no. You don't need to be subjected to that and you should feel safe in your own home.
 

dreamer_dachsie

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Izzy03|1302410825|2892369 said:
So my question is: Is this kind of behavior normal? I'm referring to how he escalates his anger into a fit of rage: screaming, throwing, punching, etc. While I can't stand it, I almost find myself thinking that maybe he is just that frustrated with our marriage. But this isn't normal right? Why the hell do people get married :angryfire: ?
Not normal. Did you witness this type of behavior in your parents' marriage or other family members' marriages growing up? Often that can create the impression it is normal and ok for a loved one to treat you this way. It is not ok, it is not "normal", and it is not present in every marriage.

That said, it is unfortunately present in many marriages... but many marriages are dysfunctional and abusive.
 

dreamer_dachsie

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And I am going to be blunt here. When you are thinking and feeling the types of things you are thinking and feeling about your relationship, that is when you call it quits in my book. There is not shame in divorce. Sometimes it is a courageous thing to do.
 

movie zombie

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wondered how things were going in your marriage.......

i too hope you have the courage to leave tomorrow....if you haven't left already today. you don't need a "if he does X one more time i'm gone" excuse or moment.....he's used all those up by now. trust has been broken and you know you can't live without it. take the dogs [always trust the dogs!] and get on with your life.

btw, how's school coming along?

MoZo
 

Tacori E-ring

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Izzy, I am curious about what you get out of this relationship. I mean that in a nonjudgmental way! You don't even have to answer it on here. I encourage you to explore that b/c people usually stay b/c they are getting a need met. SOMETHING is keeping you together. It is easy for people to say stay or leave, but this is your life. What do you want/need out of your life?

Charbie, I am sure that was very difficult for you. Thanks for sharing. Anyone who truly understands addictions knows these are good people who are suffering from a terrible illness. Unfortunately in a way it is contagious. The family suffers too. Sounds like you have come to a point of acceptance which is a great place to be. 8)
 

diamondringlover

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NO that is not normal behavior...I too will share a little background...my husband when I met him he was the sweetest man on earth and I truly mean that..wonderful, supportive, loving...however time went by and he did continue to be wonderful, however i noticed he was getting a little shorter with me and the kids and he was pretty depressed...he went thru a really rough period and then the dr put him on anti-depressants and then one day he decided to go off ALL his meds and within a couple of weeks all hell broke lose, he was screaming and yelling, throwing things, breaking things he threatened to kill himself in front of the kids...it got bad, I mean really, really bad. I threatened to leave if he didnt go to the dr and have them do something....well he finally did he went back on the anti depressants and after years of trying different meds he is finally almost back to the man i married. I dont know anything about your husband, so I am not sure what kind of medical issues he has, but I would strongly have you encourage him to go to the dr, maybe meds will help him and if he is some medicine then maybe that are not working...have them try something else. I know it changed my husband back to a normal person. Good luck in what ever you choose to do....I know how awful it is to walk around on eggshells all the time.
 

iheartscience

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B.E.G.|1302411666|2892371 said:
This is not normal behavior. Even if you don't feel personally threatened right now, there is no telling when that physical rage can escalate into harmful actions towards you. Please take steps to protect yourself, and get out. It sounds like there are a lot of underlying issues that go beyond your marriage (like his rage) and I would hate to see you become a victim.
Ditto this.

I would also make sure you take the dogs with you when you leave because he could easily turn on them. When I was a kid we took in my second cousin's dog because she was in the middle of a divorce and her husband would take it out on the poor dog and abuse him. It's not much of a stretch for someone throwing things and punching walls to escalate to physically abusing people or animals.

Good luck and please stay safe.
 

mrswahs

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I can relate to this entirely. My ex from my last relationship was just like this. He never hit me, but I have dents in my car dashboard from him punching it, a dent in the side of my car from him throwing himself up against it as I was driving away, etc.

That kind of temper is NOT normal, and is NOT okay to live with. I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells as to not trigger his anger. That's no way to live.

I say get out, and get out fast. I also agree that you should take the dogs with you. You can and will find someone who won't treat you like that.
 

Tacori E-ring

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DD, those are some pretty strong words. Unfortunately addiction, mental illness, and all the messy stuff that can genetically happen, is not a black and white issue. Life has a lot of shades of gray (which makes people very uncomfortable) and I have had to work very hard (and continue to daily) on my own biases not to negative influence my clients. Not that everyone has to of course! I just think it is important for me to say I have SEEN miracles happen. For those who maybe aren't brave enough to discuss their own family situations, know that change can happen. Only YOU know what is right for YOU. Period. I personally and professionally believe that as long as clients are not hurting themselves, hurting other people, or someone is hurting them, it is very useful to stop, pause, and process their fears and emotions. Decisions should not be made in haste. I'll step down from my high horse now...
 

NewEnglandLady

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Izzy, I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

I do think people are capable of change, but it is a long process and it takes 100% commitment. I think your husband is still far from having any desire to change and it sounds like your relationship is hanging on by a thread at this point. I think it's fair to say that you've given this relationship your all--you're completely exhausted and have nothing left to give.

I've often said that I think women tend to internalize a divorce before filing, which means the months/years leading up to filing are filled with self-doubt, fear and frustration. I do think that once you do actually file, you'll feel that a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. In my experience, men don't get the gravity of a divorce until it's been filed. It's not uncommon for them to start backpeddling/desperately showing remorse once they realize the reality of the situation.

Hopefully since you've had more civilized conversations about divorce, it won't be overly-emotional or dramatic (for your sake). I just want for you to be able to get through this knowing you're doing what is best for yourself, because you are!
 

Tacori E-ring

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I come across people in different stages of grief and acceptance. Some adult children of alcoholics are grateful to have experienced things that brought them to their own recovery program. Some have a lot of pain and resentment. Most are somewhere in between. There are many factors that influence them IMHO such as if their parent is now sober (or time spent sober), if their parent is involved in AA or therapy, if there was abuse, if the adult child is in a recovery program, and if the adult child has their own "isms." Over 50% of our population experiences addiction (either their own or someone they love) so unfortunately this is not a rare thing. I would guess most of the posters on PS grew up, married, or raised an alcoholic. If not, then they grew up or married someone who was raised by an alcoholic. This is a family disease. Deep, hidden, shameful, destructive disease. Luckily there are a lot of resources to help.

I get how certain people cause emotional responses to certain populations. I have yet to counsel a sex offender but I know I will. That is something I will have to work through in supervision. I firmly believe everyone deserves to be heard, but obviously, someone with those experiences will be very difficult for me to counsel.
 

TooPatient

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Izzy,

That is NOT normal.

Take yourself and your dogs and get somewhere safe while you file for that divorce.


Please, take care of yourself (and your dogs!) -- I've seen what happens when "anger" escalates. You deserve SOOoooo much better than this.
 

MichelleCarmen

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His behavior isn't normal.

My thought is YOU DID try. You went to the counselor and for a short time life improved (I take it?), but again you're back at square one asking if you should stay or leave and how many times do you really want to end up back there? If he's acting as he is now and the counselor wasn't able to help, it seems like there is nothing that can be done to rectify and magically make the marriage "normal."

And, I speak this from listening to my friend go through this every six months. She gets sick of her DH's pill habit and threatens to leaves, has me on the phone for HOURS, and then suddenly everything is fine only to AGAIN go through the wanting-to-leave-him stage six months later. Also, he NEVER has hurt her, but after a number of years (5ish?), he caught on, and he's become so observational that now he listens to our phone calls. And, when I text her HE replies!
 

dreamer_dachsie

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Dreamer_D|1302537991|2893253 said:
I deleted my "strong words" because I am not sure they are all that helpful . I think Tacori's responses still make sense. Sorry about any confusion.
 

swingirl

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This is not a normal way to live. I have never been screamed at or had things thrown in my direction. No walls punched. No objects destroyed. I haven't experienced that in any of my relationships and wouldn't want to live knowing that was part of my everyday life.

I hope you leave now and stop looking for "reasons" to leave. You aren't in a happy relationship (and haven't been for a while) and you deserve to be.
 

Tacori E-ring

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DD, hope you don't think I was minimizing your experiences. I am sorry you went through that and it was not my intention to make you uncomfortable.

Hope we get an update from the OP soon!
 

Izzy03

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Hi all! Guess what? I didn't move out! Surprise! Inappropriate humor aside, here's the update:

Usually DH takes AT LEAST a couple days to cool off from these types of arguments, but as I walked downstairs the next morning he got off the couch and gave me a long hug. Apologetic per usual. I cried and told him that I did not want a divorce, but I didn't know what else to do and our marriage is NOT getting better. We talked some things out and I told him I would hold on just a little longer. He refused to go to counseling for so long and I appreciate that he put aside his pride to do this with me. I think I owe it to MYSELF to give it more than one session because I have seen him using some of the anger management tools the therapist recommended. He seems really proud of himself when he successfully doing so, and I am sure to praise his efforts as well.

I believe he has been clean for close to a year, there have been no signs of using, but again, there is no way for me to know for sure. That will take time. He knows he has a problem with his anger, he knows it stems from his father, and he has acknowledged that he needs to change. Easier said than done, and I am not convinced he will be successful, but I don't want to regret not giving therapy a chance.

The turning point in his addiction was when he was arrested and charged with DUI for taking a cocktail of painkillers, muscle relaxants, and Ambien. He was lucky to have the charges reduced to reckless driving, and he has told me that he will seek individual therapy and anger management when his probation is over. He is afraid if his probation officer finds out about the addiction, they will extend the probation terms. As for his temper, it has been much better the past 2 weeks. It has always happened in cycles though, so its probably temporary.

Charbie~ Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad to hear that you and your husband have found happiness in your own marriage.

DreamerD~ Not too harsh, I understand where you are coming from. I have strong opinions about difficult topics as well and I know it comes from a good place. To answer your question, I grew up witnessing very healthy relationships. My parents have NEVER yelled at each other in my presence. Sometimes I wonder if they are the exception to the "norm".

Tacori~ I always appreciate your "medical-psychology" input! While I LOVE medicine and nursing, psych tends to be my weakness!
You asked why I stay in my marriage.....in between these spans of agony, we have really great times. Aside from the obvious rage and addiction issues, he is one of the most giving, selfless people I have ever met. As a sober man, he puts my needs above his own. He is the husband that surprises me with little things all the time, "just because". He does the laundry and makes dinner because he knows I have to study. He acts this way with everyone he meets. If someone's car breaks down on the side of the road, he ALWAYS pulls over to help push. If someone needs help reaching the top shelf at the grocery store, he is there to help before he is asked. He is great with children and will make an amazing father. However, he has to resolve his issues first. After his arrest, we had about three happy months together and I thought my husband was back. Then the consequences of the addiction started surfacing and the good times have been intermittent. Also, his rage will come in cycles depending on his stress levels. SSRI's have been helpful, but he still has breakthroughs of rage and depression. So to answer your question, I hold on because I made a commitment, and I am holding onto hope that we can be one of those "miracles" you have witnessed. Question, have you heard of couples using topics discussed in therapy as ammunition during a fight?

Diamondrnglover~ Thank you for sharing your story. I have noticed that my husbands rage follows stress, and when he stops taking his antidepressants...watch out! But he still does have breakthroughs of rage. We plan on talking to his surgeon about pain management alternatives, and it may be time to try a new antidepressant as well! I'm glad you have your loving hubby back! Maybe there is hope for my marriage!

MovieZombie~ School is going great, thank you for asking! As of now, I am the top my class, so last week the university surprised with a scholarship that will cover the rest of my tuition AND my licensing fees. I hope to start graduate in the next year. Most importantly, I will be able to take care of myself if I wind up divorced!

Thank you for all the support you guys lend! I am going to try to give therapy a little longer. I am no longer worried about failing, what other people will think, the money spent on the wedding, and being alone for the rest of my life! My mom has told me, if I want out, GET OUT! I don't think I have much fight left in me, but I don't to spend the rest of my life wondering if I should given the therapy a little longer.

As for my babies, hubby won't hurt the dogs, he loves them too much and gets upset when they hide from his temper tantrums. Its not okay that they are afraid of him every time he raises his voice either and he knows this. I'm sad to say that we get divorced, only one of the dogs would go with me. Our other baby belonged to his late aunt, so he is "entitled" to her, but I know she will be well taken care of. Losing my baby would be the worst part of a divorce, hands down ;( !!!
 

dreamer_dachsie

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Tacori E-ring|1302547558|2893389 said:
DD, hope you don't think I was minimizing your experiences. I am sorry you went through that and it was not my intention to make you uncomfortable.
Not at all, I just think the issue, and my opinions and the reasons for them, are too broad to address in this type of forum, and the thread is not about me after all ;))
 

MichelleCarmen

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Ahhhh, I don't wanna flame...just think hard about your decision here. Your husband has an option to begin anger management NOW and I do not understand why he'd avoid that so his parole officer doesn't find out (isn't his marriage more important). Isn't there an anonymous anger group he can join? Being on parole is pretty serious! How much longer does he have? That extends way beyond what you said before. Yeah, taking pills, but driving around on Ambien :( and risking MULTIPLE peoples lives is a whole new ball game.

Your previous post and this new one simply confuse me. I wish you the best of luck and hope your DH gets the help he needs before you have kids.
 

Izzy03

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MC|1302629749|2894168 said:
Ahhhh, I don't wanna flame...just think hard about your decision here. Your husband has an option to begin anger management NOW and I do not understand why he'd avoid that so his parole officer doesn't find out (isn't his marriage more important). Isn't there an anonymous anger group he can join? Being on parole is pretty serious! How much longer does he have? That extends way beyond what you said before. Yeah, taking pills, but driving around on Ambien :( and risking MULTIPLE peoples lives is a whole new ball game.

Your previous post and this new one simply confuse me. I wish you the best of luck and hope your DH gets the help he needs before you have kids.
MC~ Sorry about the confusing posts!

He is on PROBATION not PAROLE, haha. If he were "criminal" I would've been outta the relationship for good! Last year, DH was charged with a DUI for being stoned on Ambien while driving. The only drugs found his system at the time were Ambien and painkillers (which he had a prescription for) so the charge was recently reduced to reckless driving , and will be erased from his record completely within the next 6 weeks after he completes a driving course. When the reckless driving charge is erased, his probation is over. Yes, I agree with you, he is being selfish, the marriage should be his priority. To be honest with you, I'm not pushing the issue because I almost expect him to avoid anger management all together.

Last year, I realized he was addicted to his pain meds and after several efforts to help him, I knew I had to leave him. Two weeks before I was "secretly scheduled" to leave him, he received his DUI. This was his wake up call, and he finally admitted he had an addiction and sobered up. For the past year we have been trying to salvage a marriage that has been damaged by addiction. He has also had intermittent problems with rage since sobering up. Rage and struggling marriage are not a good combination!!!

I am near the end of my wits trying to save this marriage, and for the past several months have been contemplating ending the marriage. We just recently began seeing a therapist so I am stuck between hanging on a little longer or moving on with my life. DH is a wonderful, caring person when he is not acting out rage, but I don't know if we will ever get back to good place for more than a few months at a time.

Hope that clarifies my saga! We have our second appt with our marriage conselor this Friday, and I will be seeing my individual therapist on Monday. I'm interested to see how I feel about all this next week....
 

monarch64

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Izzy, it's wonderful (imo) that you are sticking with this marriage and giving it your best shot. But, have you thought about what you will actually do if he does not change? Are you willing to stay for the long run just to "fix" this person?

If you do stay together and have children, have you thought about what you will tell your children when their father is going through a rough patch? What happens when he slips and rages or relapses? How will you explain that to your kids? Is this something you really want to deal with because you are THAT in love with this person?

I am asking these difficult questions because I grew up as a child of an alcoholic and an enabler. The see-saw effect was very taxing on both me and my brother (he is older by 4 years and was my caretaker, essentially). My parents both did their absolute best to take care of us and provided us with everything we ever wanted, but it was a terribly unhappy home nonetheless. The effects of both their behaviors have been lasting for both of us children even though we experienced happy times.
ETA: so many wonderful memories I have of growing up (I have written about them in my Who's Who thread!), but what I didn't include were the negative parts that were so hurtful that they also shaped who I am today in a not so good way (cynicism, disenchantment, etc.) I

Please think very carefully when you make your decision to stay or leave. It is not all about you and your current spouse if you want to have children. The future offspring you bring into the world will experience times a million every consequence of your decision, please know that. Best of luck to you and take care. I think a lot of you for even broaching the subject here and trying to gain some insight.
 

MichelleCarmen

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Izzy03|1302731862|2895361 said:
MC|1302629749|2894168 said:
Ahhhh, I don't wanna flame...just think hard about your decision here. Your husband has an option to begin anger management NOW and I do not understand why he'd avoid that so his parole officer doesn't find out (isn't his marriage more important). Isn't there an anonymous anger group he can join? Being on parole is pretty serious! How much longer does he have? That extends way beyond what you said before. Yeah, taking pills, but driving around on Ambien :( and risking MULTIPLE peoples lives is a whole new ball game.

Your previous post and this new one simply confuse me. I wish you the best of luck and hope your DH gets the help he needs before you have kids.
MC~ Sorry about the confusing posts!

He is on PROBATION not PAROLE, haha. If he were "criminal"....
oops, I just googled....I thought that they meant the same thing. lol!

Best of luck. My thoughts at this point would be to have a good back-up plan and STASH some $ just in case you need it! (I'm not saying taking 10s of thousands out of the bank, but at least a night to cover a week at a hotel if you want to leave!) I always think women need their own little side-stash, *regardless of the situation* and FWIW, I'm a SAHM w/no income and even my DH supports me having my own seperate bank account for if I need it! ;-) And, a confident & trusting husband should be okay with this. My dh doesn't even know how much I have in there!
 

Tacori E-ring

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Sounds like you really love him and he has many great qualities. Do you tell him what you love about him? I am not a couples counselor, but I would never think it was fair to use topics you discuss in counseling outside of that safe environment. It sounds like he has a co-occurring mental illness along with his addiction (which is really, really common). I think he would benefit from individual therapy until he is in a better place and you guys can add in the couples therapy. He needs to figure out WHY he uses substances to numb his pain. Also discovering his triggers, what has worked in the past, what hasn't, is vital for sustained recovery. Sounds like there is too much to work on at once. In the meantime, I know I am a broken record, but get to an Al-Anon meeting. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

I do not know your entire situation but if violence is involved you need a safety plan in place. Like MC mentioned, extra car keys and money hidden, a place to stay if you need to leave, etc is about taking care of yourself. I always think it is smart for a woman to have her own bank account even if there is only a few thousand dollars in it. No one plans on getting a divorce and hopefully that will not be the case for you because you sound like you really love him, BUT you cannot put yourself in a dangerous situation.
 

MichelleCarmen

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 8, 2003
Messages
15,880
Tacori E-ring|1302975270|2897819 said:
Sounds like you really love him and he has many great qualities. Do you tell him what you love about him? I am not a couples counselor, but I would never think it was fair to use topics you discuss in counseling outside of that safe environment. It sounds like he has a co-occurring mental illness along with his addiction (which is really, really common). I think he would benefit from individual therapy until he is in a better place and you guys can add in the couples therapy. He needs to figure out WHY he uses substances to numb his pain. Also discovering his triggers, what has worked in the past, what hasn't, is vital for sustained recovery. Sounds like there is too much to work on at once. In the meantime, I know I am a broken record, but get to an Al-Anon meeting. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

I do not know your entire situation but if violence is involved you need a safety plan in place. Like MC mentioned, extra car keys and money hidden, a place to stay if you need to leave, etc is about taking care of yourself. I always think it is smart for a woman to have her own bank account even if there is only a few thousand dollars in it. No one plans on getting a divorce and hopefully that will not be the case for you because you sound like you really love him, BUT you cannot put yourself in a dangerous situation.
Oh, speaking of maintaining independence, it is VITAL that you have a credit card (visa/mastercard - not a dept store) ONLY IN YOUR NAME! You need to ensure you have your own form of credit if you move out and need a place to rent. Oprah did a show years back about a woman who didn't have her own CC (without her dh on the loan) and she divorced her DH and she had a difficult time finding a place. I do think such a situation would be rare (especially with a bad economy and more have bad credit), but something to keep in mind.
 
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