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New here, ugh :(

TOWD1185

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 28, 2017
Messages
4
Hi everyone. I’m new here and I’ve been playing the waiting game for quite awhile.

I’ve been with my SO for nearly 4 years (in February). We started living together after about a year and a half. We have discussed marriage plenty of times before, but all he says is, “I can’t give you an answer. All I can say is soon. I don’t want to be with anyone else.” He said that a year ago. sad :((

We took an anniversary trip in April this year and I was so sure it was going to happen, but it didn’t. He thanked me for going on the trip.

About six weeks ago, I found a paper ring sizer (the ones you can pick up at any jeweler) on his desk and thought maybe he had thought about buying a ring. I coyly asked about it and he said it’s for a project he’s working on at work (he’s an engineer). So I felt stupid even asking. :(

So here I am lol... waiting. I don’t need a ring. I’m just ready for the next step. We live together, have dogs together, and I’m finishing up with grad school in May. I love him and I want to be with him forever.
 

valeria101

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 29, 2003
Messages
15,809
.
The decission may well be yours - whether to keep waiting or move out & on ...after May, of course. Between now & then, there are a few months while you can still pretend all is well; not the worst thing, if far from good.

I am writing this, not knowing anything !
 

Jimmianne

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 9, 2013
Messages
5,703
If she decides to move on, he may probably come around. Maybe he is thinking if it’s not broken, what is there to fix. It’s working for him, but not for the poster. I do think it’s a typical situation, but it really sucks for the person who is waiting.
 

Bron357

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 22, 2014
Messages
3,867
This is such a tricky one. Often times guys just don’t get the whole “marriage” thing. You’re together, you’re happy, he loves you - isn’t that what counts? Well, yes and no. From his perspective it’s great, from your perspective, you want a wedding. Now it gets tricky. Do you pout a bit, keep dropping hints which may make him appreciate your viewpoint or will that irritate him into thinking that you are placing too much emphasis on a party and a piece of paper? As for ultimatums, they never end well even when it makes the guy “bend his knee”.
But I can tell you one thing, no engineer ever needed to use a jewelers ring sizer for a work project! NEVER EVER.
Ring sizers are only ever used for the sizing of rings. Don’t mention it again, ok, keep calm and I’m sure that a proposal is on the horizon.
Take deep breaths, and no snooping ok!
 

FinleysMom

Shiny_Rock
Premium
Joined
Nov 29, 2017
Messages
232
You put the cart before the horse.....life is good...for HIM. sorry......
Finley
 

Jimmianne

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 9, 2013
Messages
5,703
No ultimatum, just getting on wirth your life. Unfortunately, by the time you decide to do that, they often come around, but you really have moved on at that point.
 

OoohShiny

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 25, 2014
Messages
6,869
Don't forget that for each action there is an equal and opposite reaction - so, in my case, being nagged about not having popped the question meant I didn't want to do it until I was no longer being nagged ;-)

I will be honest - I had the diamond at least 8 months, maybe a year (can't remember!) before asking, and only had the ring made perhaps a few weeks before we went on holiday. The number of times I wanted to retrieve the ring from its hiding place, throw it at her and say "there's your ****ing ring, will you shut up about it now??" :rolleyes: to stop her nagging and, perhaps, make her feel slightly guilty about it (potentially for the rest of the our lives...) but I bit my tongue and in the end the proposal was a complete surprise, which was the intention. Why would we want to be predictable? ;-)

What would you rather - an unprompted offer of marriage that you therefore knew must have come from the heart and they'd taken the time to research and plan, or a begrudging proposal that you aren't sure if they really meant it or were just doing it to get you off their back, which as above, might even have been in the heat of an argument and therefore have negative connotations every time you think about it?


It is different for men-folk, though - we don't have ticking bodyclocks, we generally show emotion less, and we aren't brought up with stories of princesses being saved by valiant princes, who have come to sweep them off their feet :D lol

Personally speaking, would I have plodded on in a LTR without doing the marriage thing? Perhaps... After all, if we're both (seemingly) happy, why the need to get a bit of paper to show the world?


(There are some sweeping generalisations in this post, I will accept ;-) but hopefully it presents an alternative viewpoint worth considering!)


I think you just need to communicate with him - tell him you very much want to stay with him forever but that you know life is short and the opportunity to have children is even shorter [assuming you want children!], so you want to be able to move forward in life with him by your side to do those things early, so you can do the difficult, money-consuming things early and then retire and spend a lot of time together doing fun things.

Make it a positive communication focusing on the good future you could have together, rather than a negative communication about why he hasn't done something yet, and hopefully you will 'sell your vision' to him and encourage him to make a move :)
 
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TOWD1185

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 28, 2017
Messages
4
Thanks for your feedback everyone. I really, REALLY try not to nag him or bug him about it. I really could not care less about a ring. Heck, I can go buy myself a ring. I love him and it’s important to me to be his wife at some point. I know that a lot of couples go years, sometimes decades, without being married and are completely content. If that’s what he wants, then I respect that. However, my views differ and he knows this. I ask him every year what his goals are for the upcoming year. For next year, he said he really wants to get a new car and iPhone.

On top of us living together and sharing two pets, my SO has a son who is is a middle schooler. He has been asking us both when we are going to get married. He wrote on his Christmas wish list that he hopes we get married next year. My SO just kind of laughs and says, “You’re cute, buddy.”

I’m turning 33 soon. He’s 37. I thought we were both on the same page as far as marriage expectations (at least initially, anyway). I guess not.
 

OoohShiny

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 25, 2014
Messages
6,869
You definitely need to talk about it, but it is a tricky subject to broach in a neutral fashion.
 

Bron357

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 22, 2014
Messages
3,867
I’m always right about things it seems. I just know sometimes. I will happen next year, sometime in February. I’m sure he is making ring plans BUT he wants to surprise you. Men love to do that, so give him a chance.
 

Loreal

Shiny_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 19, 2007
Messages
290
Don't fret. I'm sure it will happen soon! I agree that the paper ring sizer is not your typical "engineering" material. I waited 6 years before I got my proposal/ring. We will be celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary in January and our 22nd year together in March!! Stay strong.
 

elizabethess

Shiny_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 18, 2016
Messages
397
I had the diamond at least 8 months, maybe a year (can't remember!) before asking
Oh my gosh, ack!!!! I try hard to understand when I hear of stories like this, but I just can't wrap my head around it! Different strokes for different folks as they say :D
 

TOWD1185

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 28, 2017
Messages
4
Thanks everyone!

I was shocked. It was right before Christmas and he kept saying he wanted to make me something. I thought he meant an arts and crafts project or a DIY Christmas card. We opened our presents a bit early and when it was time for my gift, he asked me if I remember when he said he wanted to make me something. I nodded, and he pulled out the ring and said he wanted to make me his wife. I ugly cried for a good ten minutes, with no makeup, sweatshirt, and hairy ass dry knuckles haha. It was a surreal moment. I’m so excited to start planning. 1365158B-7A9A-4E47-9E4A-F2F6F543B7B2.jpeg
 

dkata

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 19, 2012
Messages
828
Congratulations! It’s a really nice story, which you can tell your children once!
 

OoohShiny

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 25, 2014
Messages
6,869
Congratulations! :)
 
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