New - Confused and Waiting, Waiting, Waiting ...

[alw665]

New to the forum but my god I am so happy I found it! Story so far - with my SO for just under 3 years. We were long distance (transatlantic) for just over 2 years of that. He moved to US two months ago and now we live together (finally!). Living together has been such a dream - we are really really happy. We have been serious throughout our relationship but only really started talking about marriage in March. He initially said that he did not believe in marriage and that he could be just as committed without marriage (very European attitude) BUT that if I really wanted to get married, he would do it to make me happy - this attitude hurt me a lot initially but I appreciated his honesty and truly do believe that he is committed to me as much as he possibly can be ... sooo eventually I got over it.

Anyway, so we agreed to marry in a very small ceremony and he spoke about July next year as a possible date. Since then I have been waiting for an official proposal - he says it will be soon but I pushed/hinted quite a bit and we had a couple of huge fights over it. He is under some pressure right now because he does not have a job here in the US and is trying really hard to find one (it is extremely difficult in his field and his work is VIP to him). The job could be anywhere in US and I agreed to follow him (my work is transportable). At one point he said he was waiting until he found a job before he would propose. Problem is that July is not very far away and I want to start planning. Also, what would a job change? I am supporting us financially here in the US and even when he does find a job I would significantly out-earn him anyway (at least for the next 5 years or so) - it is not like he is the one saving to buy a ring (yes, believe it or not, I would probably have to buy my own ring but I got over that too).

I don''t want to keep pressuring him (esp given the current job pressure and fact he changed countries for me) and since our last fight I shut up about it but it is killing me internally. I am also wondering if I am giving up too much - marrying someone who doesn''t believe in marriage (but believes in committment and making me happy), financially supporting someone that refuses to propose just yet and to top it off, even if they did propose, I would pay for the ring and most expenses!!!

Am I crazy? Sometimes I think I might be.

 

[bee*]

Welcome

The one thing that came to my mind is what''s the rush? Is there any reason (ie for a visa etc to keep him there) or do you just want to do it in July as that was the date he first said. It can be very different moving from a long distance relationship to living together so why don''t you give the relationship a bit more time and let him get on his feet and get a job. Yes your plans might take a bit longer in the scheme of things but he and you would probably feel better if he gets a job and you don''t have to pay for everything. It''s up to you obviously if you want to marry someone who''s doing it to make you happy, but I think that he''s made a huge commitment to show that he wants to be with you by moving to the US (where was he from in the first place?). Best of luck!!!

 

[tberube]

I agree with bee*. You two have only been living in close proximity for a few months, hence I''d say give it a little more time, regardless. You just finally got to live close to each other! Enjoy that! What is the rush?

Everything still sounds all up in the air as far as your life getting settled in together. I''d say now is the time for him to work on getting his job, and then figuring out where the job is, getting settled in there, be sure it''s permanent, and THEN start worrying about the wedding. From a person who did a lot of waiting myself, I think you still need to give it more time.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

First off: WELCOME

Bee* summed it up very well. I think it would be far better for him to be more settled (i.e. employed and participating in the costs of day-to-day living) before you walk down the aisle. I also think it would be beneficial to give him a little time to adapt to the enormous change he just made for the benefit of your relationship.

Besides, it would be nice to give him an opportunity to contribute to the cost of your ring or the cost of the wedding. As more and more of my friends get engaged and married, it has become apparent to me that many men are very touchy feely about the act of proposing and seem to take an enormous sense of pride in the aspects of the proposal/wedding they can contribute to.

Of course, if there is a Visa/Green Card/Fiancé Visa timeline then the push is a little more understandable. If there are not legal issues surrounding his residency in the US try to relax and enjoy the fact that you have a man who moved across oceans to be with you…that’s a pretty darn impressive act of commitment!

 

[bee*]

Date: 10/25/2007 3:47:12 PM
Author: tberube
I agree with bee*. You two have only been living in close proximity for a few months, hence I''d say give it a little more time, regardless. You just finally got to live close to each other! Enjoy that! What is the rush?


Everything still sounds all up in the air as far as your life getting settled in together. I''d say now is the time for him to work on getting his job, and then figuring out where the job is, getting settled in there, be sure it''s permanent, and THEN start worrying about the wedding. From a person who did a lot of waiting myself, I think you still need to give it more time.

I definitely hear you on that!! We were dating over 8 years when we got engaged a couple of weeks ago. It''s definitely best waiting until other things are in order though. The two of you will feel much happier.

 

[alw665]

Thank you so much for the warm welcomes!!! So glad to have found this community. There is no visa issue pushing our time frame fortunately (or unfortunately - I dont know!). I appreciate the advice re waiting - it is so nice to have people to talk to about it!!! I am too embarassed to talk to my mother who I usually share everything with ... she is worried about the current financial situation (i.e. me supporting him) and I fear if she knew I was waiting on a proposal and not getting it as soon as I wanted she might turn against him forever.

FYI - he is from Belgium.

 

[bee*]

No prob! I think everyone here can understand the desire to get engaged especially as you say that you''re so happy together at the moment, but it is advisable to give it more time until the kind of honeymoon period wears off a bit and you''re both in the humdrum of everyday working life. Plus you still seem to have a few doubts so it might be best waiting until you''re 100% sure that it''s definitely what you want to do. In the meantime enjoy having him over here and have a pressure free relationship for a while. There really is plenty of time to get engaged and married so just enjoy dating while you''re both living in the same place. He will probably feel a lot better about getting married too if there isn''t pressure put on him. I''m from Europe too (Ireland) and not one of my friends has married someone who they haven''t dated for at least 7 years so I think that there is kind of a different attitude over here (obviously not everyone takes this long but it does seem to be more common).

 

[goodfun7580]

First I would like to say welcome! I think that you may be barking up the wrong tree. I know that you know your relationship way better than anyone on this board, but from the things you''ve said, I think that marriage and engagement at this point would be a mistake. Do you really want to buy your own engagement ring? I know some of the ladies on here have chipped in to help with the financial burden, but to outright pay for it, thats just way to out there for me. Even though he doesn''t have to pay for the ring, he still doesn''t want to propose. That can''t be a good sign. My advice to you would be to let him get settle (he just moved thousands of miles), get a job, and see what happens. You don''t want to be marrying and supporting a grown man. Or maybe your do, thats your choice, but don''t get caught up in the July date, rush the whole thing, and then regret it. Take your time and see how he does here. Wouldn''t you hate to get married, only to find out that he hates America and is moving back to Beligum?

 

[Pandora II]

My FI doesn''t believe in marriage either - but loves me enough to do it.

Shock, amazement, he''s even offered to go to a wedding show tommorow - I nearly had a heart attack!

So don''t worry about that part.

On the rest, do you mind my asking what ages you are? In many parts of Europe it''s not common to marry till your 30''s. FI and I are in our mid 30''s and were living together, and bought a house before we got engaged. Give it some time.

 

[Independent Gal]

Hi there!

I agree that it makes sense to live together (or in the same city at least!) for a while - at least 6 months, before getting engaged. Moving continents and not having a job is a lot to deal with! Different language. Different culture. And the worst - for me at least - getting used to the food in the US! Though for him it's probably getting used to the watery American beer. It's all a lot of stress. And my guess is that he hates being supported by you even more than your mom hates it, y'know?

Since there's no visa rush, the only rush I could see would be if you were into your 30's and wanting a few kids. at that point, decisiveness becomes more important since every year you wait makes a difference and after 35 a dramatic difference in fertility and safety in pregnancy.

But if you're still in your 20's or not that interested in multiple kids, there really is NO call for rush!

I'd slowwww down, let him adjust to the massive changes he's already made, and aim to talk about getting engaged in 6 months or so. You sure both want to be sure he'll want to stay before you get hitched, unless you'd go back with him...