Needing some advice : /

[w.a.n.d]

Well, first things first...Hello, fellow LIW! I'm a long time lurker, but this is my first time posting. I figured it was about time, since I feel like I'm going to scream!

Here it goes: My SO and I have been together for nearly four years. We want to get married (We= he and I, not just me). We've spoken about it on several occasions, and it used to be that he wanted to save up for a ring and buy it outright. That, I understood; however, that was a year and a half ago and no saving. Money isn't really an issue. I know what he has in his bank account, and he could afford to buy it outright without going broke. I recently brought that up to him, and he says that he doesn't want to spend any of that and that he will begin putting some money aside starting with his next checks. I've heard that a time or two before! It's not like I am asking for something beyond our means. We have talked about price, and I am well within what he said he is comfortable with.

I'm just starting to feel like such a nag, and I don't want it to be that way. He's an incredibly ambitious person, but sadly, not when it comes to this. He hasn't been looking into anything, I know. I just feel like he is dragging his feet, and I don't know why. I've come out and asked him, "I don't want to be presumptuous, but are you having second thoughts about getting engaged?" To which he replies that he is in no way having doubts, and that he can't wait to marry me. I want to tell him, "SO DO IT!"

It's just frustrating, because getting engaged is supposed to be a special, exciting time, and it's not. It's getting stressful! I'm afraid that by the time it actually does happen, I will be the one that has orchestrated everything, with no surprises. It feels like I'm beating a ring out of him. I've tried to just let it go and see what happens. When I do that, he also just lets it go, as in doesn't bother continuing to save money. He also told me around year two of our relationship that if he had not asked me by our third anniversary, then I would have room to say something to him. Well...we are more than half through to year four.

I just don't know how to move forward, or what to say to him that I haven't already said. I'm just afraid he has gotten comfortable with the way things are. Ugh Help!

 

[Seattle SC]

Sorry to say that I don't have any advice to really provide other than you're not alone! Seriously, I may as well copy and paste your post and use it as my own. Been together almost 4 yrs, he's not saving (not that I can tell) and doesn't seem to be looking into it either. I've stopped bringing it up though, and believe that if I don't see any changes by the 4 yr mark, that I should maybe move into my own place again and have him stop being so comfortable having me around. I already brought it up once, and he was strongly against it, but we'll just have to see. I wish you luck though, if something works for me, i'll be sure to let you know!

 

[Amys Bling]

He also told me around year two of our relationship that if he had not asked me by our third anniversary, then I would have room to say something to him. Well...we are more than half through to year four.

I just don't know how to move forward, or what to say to him that I haven't already said. I'm just afraid he has gotten comfortable with the way things are. Ugh Help![/quote]

Wow. Ok I totally get why you are upset! I would be too. For about a year FI and I were heavily talking marriage, and I got the "want to buy a ring outright....don't have it now... want to buy you what you deserve. Long story short---- I got the ring when he had the money.

Now- you are saying that he has the money- and that he keeps putting off putting the money aside saying he will save it but never does. Maybe it's not you- he knows he wans to marry you--but he is dragging his feet about the ring, engagment, and the whirlwind that follows. Maybe he isn't ready for engagment and marriage yet- but he does intend tomarry you when he is ready.

It is a big step- emotionally and financially....

Do you live together? Are you still relatively young? Maybe he knows the expense of a ring....followed by a wedding...honeymoon...buying a house/condo/moving out...etc. Maybe the whole expensive progression is scary to him??

I have to think that after all these years it wouldn't be you- maybe it's just the timing... do you talk about life beyond the engagement/ring?

 

[monarch64]

Hi!

If he told you long ago that if he hadn't asked you by your third anniversary of dating that you had room to say something about it then do what you want to do and tell him "SO DO IT!"

Do you have pictures saved of styles of engagement ring settings you like? Pictures of center stones? Compile a short/succinct folder of these pictures (or a collage, whatever). Have a chat with him one day soon. You can begin by telling him how much you love him and how much your time together has meant to you, etc. Perhaps follow it up with "you know, a couple of years ago when we were discussing getting engaged and timelines, you mentioned that if you hadn't asked me by our 3rd anniversary that it might be time for me to ask you WHY you haven't proposed." Lastly, tell him again how much you love him and that this isn't an ultimatum, but a time for you both to reflect on your life goals and relationship goals as a couple. See where it goes from there. If he is receptive and ASKS, you will have your prepared e-ring folder to share with him. If he is NOT receptive, then you will need to be prepared to make a decision about whether or not you want to keep spending time with someone who isn't super decisive about his relationship with you.

We all want (or wanted) the perfect proposal to come at the perfect time. In reality, oftentimes things do not work out that way but with some positive and healthy communication I think you can come to an understanding with your SO as far as what will work for you both regarding a proposal. Best of luck to you!

 

[Amys Bling]

Hi!

If he told you long ago that if he hadn't asked you by your third anniversary of dating that you had room to say something about it then do what you want to do and tell him "SO DO IT!"

Do you have pictures saved of styles of engagement ring settings you like? Pictures of center stones? Compile a short/succinct folder of these pictures (or a collage, whatever). Have a chat with him one day soon. You can begin by telling him how much you love him and how much your time together has meant to you, etc. Perhaps follow it up with "you know, a couple of years ago when we were discussing getting engaged and timelines, you mentioned that if you hadn't asked me by our 3rd anniversary that it might be time for me to ask you WHY you haven't proposed." Lastly, tell him again how much you love him and that this isn't an ultimatum, but a time for you both to reflect on your life goals and relationship goals as a couple. See where it goes from there. If he is receptive and ASKS, you will have your prepared e-ring folder to share with him. If he is NOT receptive, then you will need to be prepared to make a decision about whether or not you want to keep spending time with someone who isn't super decisive about his relationship with you.

We all want (or wanted) the perfect proposal to come at the perfect time. In reality, oftentimes things do not work out that way but with some positive and healthy communication I think you can come to an understanding with your SO as far as what will work for you both regarding a proposal. Best of luck to you!

+1

 

[brittany0613]

Hi!

If he told you long ago that if he hadn't asked you by your third anniversary of dating that you had room to say something about it then do what you want to do and tell him "SO DO IT!"

Do you have pictures saved of styles of engagement ring settings you like? Pictures of center stones? Compile a short/succinct folder of these pictures (or a collage, whatever). Have a chat with him one day soon. You can begin by telling him how much you love him and how much your time together has meant to you, etc. Perhaps follow it up with "you know, a couple of years ago when we were discussing getting engaged and timelines, you mentioned that if you hadn't asked me by our 3rd anniversary that it might be time for me to ask you WHY you haven't proposed." Lastly, tell him again how much you love him and that this isn't an ultimatum, but a time for you both to reflect on your life goals and relationship goals as a couple. See where it goes from there. If he is receptive and ASKS, you will have your prepared e-ring folder to share with him. If he is NOT receptive, then you will need to be prepared to make a decision about whether or not you want to keep spending time with someone who isn't super decisive about his relationship with you.

We all want (or wanted) the perfect proposal to come at the perfect time. In reality, oftentimes things do not work out that way but with some positive and healthy communication I think you can come to an understanding with your SO as far as what will work for you both regarding a proposal. Best of luck to you!

I completely agree with this!

 

[Jessie702]

I completely agree, and think you need to have a talk with him. Its better to have a serious talk with him and know where you are than to keep wondering in the dark.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

Hello and welcome

My advice in this situation is this: actions speak louder than words.

His actions are contradicting the nice things he is saying.

I would point that out to him.

I would also explain to him that you do not want to feel like that girl who forced her boyfriend to marry her, and that you need a commitment from him to a timeframe because it is your life as well and you need to have a say in your own future. I told SO that it was my future too and so I needed to feel I had some control and understanding and I wanted a commitment to a timeline.

And he commited "within the next year" which means by July next year - at that point it will be 3 months before our 3 year anniversary.

Explain that in your very loving but honest opinion 4 years is by far long enough of *courting* and honestly whatever he wants to do he needs to make his intentions clear because if he is not interested in moving forward you would like to know, while you are still young.

Tell him you dont want to settle for someone who you are over the moon for but he is luke warm. That you deserve better than to be his "right for now" girl, and if thats what he thinks he needs to admit it, or prove that its not the case.

You dont need to give him an ultimataum, offer him the chance to prove to you he loves you by sticking to his word on a timeline. Tell him you know how long you are willing to (happily) be a "Lady in Waiting", and you need to make sure you are both on the same page.

(For the above advice I wrote out what exactly what I did and then changed it to refer to you, and it worked out great because he got and understood my point of view, admitted that mostly it had to do with his finances aligning, and actually a couple of weeks later we came accross "the ring" and he said "Actually I might just get it now, because obviously its going to be used someday" and I am 99% sure he got our ring back then, and I think it was in prep for our overseas holiday - which is now in 2 weeks!

And having a timeline has 80 to 90% relieved the horrible LIW hurt feelings too.)

 

[Anonymous]

I think you've gotten some excellent advice. All I'll say is good luck and I hope you are able to have a very productive, honest conversation w/your SO about it. *hugs*

 

[Steel]

Welcome Wand,

How does your BF feel about money in general?

I wonder does he have issues around security and savings? I think the cash in his a/c and the potential savings for a ring are two separate issues for him. The money already saved in his a/c will not be available for a ring.

So I'm asking - how is he in general with money? Do you have any reason to think that he is overly-concerned about not having cash/savings or being generally solvent?

 

[Steel]

Secondary to my post above...

In your case I would tread differently.

Don't talk to him about engagement or rings or styles or timelines.

Talk to him about your future, your goals and your commitment to those goals. Discuss where you expect to be in 5/10 etc years. Are you renters/leasers or buyers? Where deposits will come from? Will you set up different savings accounts for future goals etc. In that conversation marriage/house/kids/holidays/healthcare/cars etc issues will all come up. I guarantee (if I am right about the money thing) that this man wants to marry you, but this is the way to tackle it and get secure together.

 

[w.a.n.d]

Hi! Thank you so much for your responses!

We do live together, have been for over a year, and he is six years older than I am. Even though he is 30 (and I by no means think thirty is "old"), he is a very young 30. When I first met him I thought he was my age. He had a rough childhood, and it has taken him quite a while to feel like a real adult. I know that he is scared to let go of that much money at once, but I've tried to explain to him that after we get engaged, he won't be doing it all on his own. I like to pay my own way, so I don't mind shouldering a big chunk of wedding costs. He definitely uses the money he currently has in his account as a security blanket, though. He freaks out if it gets below a certain number, and it's a number that most people would be more than comfortable with. I don't think that's a bad thing. He didn't had a lot growing up, and he just wants to make sure that we are going to be okay if something should ever happen.

All that being said, he knows exactly how I feel. I admit that sometimes my frustration bubbles over, and I've let him know how I feel...that I feel like we're ready to move forward, and I'm ready for him to be my husband. He seems really receptive, and that is was frustrates me even more. It always seems like we are on the same page when we talk about it, but nothing ever moves forward. I don't want to feel like I'm standing behind him and forcing him into action. I don't mind being involved in the process. I'd love to be! I just want him to be excited about it, too. Plus, I don't need an extravagant proposal. We are both very casual, outdoorsy people, so he could do something as simple as proposing on a hike or something. I don't care!

As for the ring, I've picked out a few Tacori styles that I've shown him and are saved on my desktop, so if he really wanted to proceed without me knowing all he would have to do is open the folder and copy down the style number.

I think for now at least, I'm going to lay off certain words, such as engagement, wedding, and ring. We've talked about were we want to be in the future, so I'll just emphasize our mutual goals and try to make him feel better about our current situation. It's going to be hard, bc I'm sooo ready for it.

 

[Steel]

Hi! Thank you so much for your responses!

We do live together, have been for over a year, and he is six years older than I am. Even though he is 30 (and I by no means think thirty is "old"), he is a very young 30. When I first met him I thought he was my age. He had a rough childhood, and it has taken him quite a while to feel like a real adult. I know that he is scared to let go of that much money at once, but I've tried to explain to him that after we get engaged, he won't be doing it all on his own. I like to pay my own way, so I don't mind shouldering a big chunk of wedding costs. He definitely uses the money he currently has in his account as a security blanket, though. He freaks out if it gets below a certain number, and it's a number that most people would be more than comfortable with. I don't think that's a bad thing. He didn't had a lot growing up, and he just wants to make sure that we are going to be okay if something should ever happen.

All that being said, he knows exactly how I feel. I admit that sometimes my frustration bubbles over, and I've let him know how I feel...that I feel like we're ready to move forward, and I'm ready for him to be my husband. He seems really receptive, and that is was frustrates me even more. It always seems like we are on the same page when we talk about it, but nothing ever moves forward. I don't want to feel like I'm standing behind him and forcing him into action. I don't mind being involved in the process. I'd love to be! I just want him to be excited about it, too. Plus, I don't need an extravagant proposal. We are both very casual, outdoorsy people, so he could do something as simple as proposing on a hike or something. I don't care!

As for the ring, I've picked out a few Tacori styles that I've shown him and are saved on my desktop, so if he really wanted to proceed without me knowing all he would have to do is open the folder and copy down the style number.

I think for now at least, I'm going to lay off certain words, such as engagement, wedding, and ring. We've talked about were we want to be in the future, so I'll just emphasize our mutual goals and try to make him feel better about our current situation. It's going to be hard, bc I'm sooo ready for it.

I was defo getting that money vibe from your posts. Glad you have a plan.

 

[Anonymous]

I think when it does come back up, maybe consider a less expensive setting/ring? I guess it boils down to what's important to you as a couple. Maybe he feels like he can't let go of 5-10K for a ring until he has X amt over that in savings as the security blanket. My FI was the same way, and I think that's a very responsible quality to have.

I know you said that you've talked about price and you're within what he feels comfortable with. The problem is, he's comfortable with that amount when it comes to talking about it, but in reality he is NOT comfortable with it - at least not until he has much more in savings than he does now.

If you're ready NOW and he's ready NOW, with the exception of finances, maybe it's time to ask yourselves just how important a name brand setting and larger diamond are really worth to you. Is it worth the wait? If not, then what amount would he feel comfortable spending NOW? There are SO many very beautiful settings out there and thousands could very easily be saved (cutting down your wait time and also easing his very high anxiety at the same time).

Just a thought. Good luck!

 

[Amys Bling]

I think when it does come back up, maybe consider a less expensive setting/ring? I guess it boils down to what's important to you as a couple. Maybe he feels like he can't let go of 5-10K for a ring until he has X amt over that in savings as the security blanket. My FI was the same way, and I think that's a very responsible quality to have.

I know you said that you've talked about price and you're within what he feels comfortable with. The problem is, he's comfortable with that amount when it comes to talking about it, but in reality he is NOT comfortable with it - at least not until he has much more in savings than he does now.

If you're ready NOW and he's ready NOW, with the exception of finances, maybe it's time to ask yourselves just how important a name brand setting and larger diamond are really worth to you. Is it worth the wait? If not, then what amount would he feel comfortable spending NOW? There are SO many very beautiful settings out there and thousands could very easily be saved (cutting down your wait time and also easing his very high anxiety at the same time).

Just a thought. Good luck!

definitely agree with this. If money is the only issue preventing engagment... maybe you both need to think about this... is it about the ring or the future??? Maybe expectations/budget for the ring need to be decreased so the future can progress...

 

[w.a.n.d]

I feel like I've had a breakthrough! (Hopefully, fingers crossed.)

He's been really stressed out lately with a few different things, so I haven't wanted to bring it up. Tonight, he was in a more light mood, so I decided that I'd bring it up one more time and then just drop it until he brought it up again. I just told him that I understand where he is coming from with wanting to save and that I was behind it. I told him that I just need reassurance that we were still in this together, because I don't feel like it is healthy for one side of the relationship to have more say in the turns the relationship takes. I don't want to dictate when we get engaged, but I don't think it's right for him to hold all of the cards either. "This is a team," yada yada yada, "talk to me about how you're truly feeling about it," so on and so forth.

So, after saying what I had to say, he told me that he was sorry he keeps putting off and that he could see where I am coming from, too. I took more advice from here and asked him if he needed me to pick out a different setting if it would make him more comfortable, but he assured me that my setting was fine. (It's one of Tacori's cheaper settings.) He said that just with all of his stress and what not that he has just been focusing on one thing at a time and has just gotten busy doing other things, though, he has not forgotten about it. THEN, he told me that around the middle of December, we could pick out my diamond! That's a start. A BIG start. Even if I don't get my setting for a few months after that, I'll still feel better knowing that we have a stone that I can look at whenever I want and that one day soon it'll have a beautiful home. Phew

Thanks again for giving me your thoughts. It really did help me from feeling like I was going to blow up!

 

[PrincessNatalie]

I am glad you are feeling better! Thats very exciting about the stone, what kind of stone will you be looking for?

 

[Amys Bling]

yay! Glad you two talked and you are feeling much better about things...

p.s. you know we want all the details on the stone search!

 

[mariewest]

Your story sounds a lot like mine. We've been dating just short of four years, we even live together, and for the last three years SO has been suppose to be saving up for a ring. Yet, I know he hasn't put anything aside, and that frustrates me. Unlike your situation, I know that SO really doesn't have the money to spend, but like your SO he is an ambitious person but not when it comes to this. Waiting is not fun. I don't really have any advice for you, but I just want you to know that you are not alone.