Need your advice

[AnonNeedsAdvice]

I am a not so regular regular poster on PS but I decided to go anon for this one because I don''t like to talk about my problems too much but really wanted to get the advice of some of you wonderful ladies (and gents) out there.

Is anyone out there really affectionate but have a not so affectionate BF/FI/DH? This is my problem at the moment. My BF is a wonderful guy with whom I''ve been for the past 2 1/2 years. We have talked about marriage and definitely see ourselves together for the long run. While I have known for a while now that he is not very affectionate (and by this I mean, not many (if any at all) random hugs, kisses, cuddles), I have found myself a little depressed about it lately. I am always the one asking for a kiss or a hug for no reason, and many times, if I just go up to him and plant one on him, he won''t kiss me back. I know that he does this jokingly and we have both laughed about how I am so affectionate and he is not, but it is really getting to me lately. I mean it is to the point where I see a couple making out on TV and I break out in tears. I have told him in the past that I wish he was more affectionate and he has told me that he is simply not that kind of guy. We have left it at that but then time goes by and I start wondering if he''s just not that into me/attracted to me/happy with me. He is also not the type to express his feelings all the time (if ever), or even compliment me, tell me I''m beautiful, etc... I will say something to him, maybe in the wrong, sort of questioning whether he is really happy, and he''ll get annoyed that I even need to ask if he is happy. He assures me that yes, he is happy, and that I need to stop worrying about that because he wouldn''t be with me if he wasn''t happy.

Sorry, I know my post is all over the place, but I feel like my emotions are all over the place too!

I am really starting to feel like I really NEED more affection from him, but if that''s who he is, I know I can''t change him. I love this guy and love being with him and really do want to spend the rest of my life with him! I am still madly in love with him, and want to kiss/hug him any chane I get and sometimes I feel like he must not be all that in love with me anymore.

If anyone has any advice on how to deal with a non affectionate partner, please let me know. It really is something I want to learn to deal with as opposed to just giving up on the relationship because this part of him is making me unhappy. I also tend to overcompensate and be extra affectionate since I am getting so little from him and I know this doesn''t help my cause because it must just annoy him but it''s hard for me to stop.

Thanks.

 

[Still_Waiting]

I can''t imagine how difficult that must be! I can''t relate because if anything I''m the lesser affectionate one between the two of us, but it would make me so sad if SO never initiated hugs/kisses/cuddles! I don''t really know what to tell you except that you can''t expect him to change, so please don''t hold out for that. If this is a deal-breaker for you then you''ll need to come to terms with it and deal with it accordingly. But, also, don''t forget how sappy the holidays are. Maybe you''re just feeling all the extra romance in the air associated with the holidays? I''m sorry I couldn''t be more help, but really wanted you to know that I''m "listening" if that''s all you really need.

 

[prettylnpink419]

Honestly, and I know this isn''t what you want to hear...but maybe you should really rethink whether you could be happy with him long-term. I personally, could not be happy in a relationship with someone that never kissed me, hugged me, cuddled with me, etc.

My ex was like that. We lived together for about 2.5 years. In the beginning things were great and the affection was there but as our relationship got more serious he withdrew. Turns out he has big commitment and relationship issues. It has been a problem for him in every relationship he''s been in b/c of family issues when he was a child.

I knew I needed more, I knew that I loved him and wanted him in my life but I also knew that I wouldn''t be happy in a marriage with someone like that. I knew that I wanted more for myself, for any future kids I might have...they deserve a father that would hug them, kiss them, etc. too!

Our break up was devastating to me but I am soooo much happier now. I have found the love of my life and he is so sweet, romantic, etc. As soon as he walks in the door I just want to run and hug and kiss him. In fact, if I don''t then he thinks something is wrong...cause that''s what he wants too.

With my ex, I knew he loved me, but he just didn''t love me the way I wanted to be loved. Not because he didn''t want to but because he wasn''t capable of it. If I''m going to marry someone and spend my life with that person, I shouldn''t have to settle for anything less than someone that is perfect for me...the ex wasn''t, my now BF is.

Keep your chin up, it''s definitely hard and I can completely relate b/c I have been there myself...for waaaay too long! Like I said, I doubt it''s what you wanted to hear but I really think you should sit down and think about it for a long time about whether you''d really be happy with him forever just the way he is now...odds are...he won''t change and you shouldn''t want him to...if you do...he''s probably not the one.

 

[sammyj]

I have to agree with prettyinpink. I''m not suggesting that you give up on your relationship, I''m just saying that you need to determine what YOUR needs are and if your BF is able to meet them. Has your BF ever been affectionate...even at the beginning of your relationship? Or has he always been like how you described? If the answer is yes to the 2nd question, then that''s him and his personality and you can''t expect or force someone to change. You also shouldn''t change who you are in order to compensate for what your BF is lacking. Have you talked to him about this? Does he know it bothers you that he never initiates hugs/kisses?

It sounds like you have a good relationship with the exception of your BF''s lack of affection. You really need to figure out how important this is in your relationship. Do you see yourself feeling resentful and constantly questioning how much he loves you/is attracted to you 5-10 years down the line? Always remember, YOU COME FIRST!!!

 

[Haven]

My husband is also lacking the affection gene. He is not affectionate in the traditional way AT ALL, and by traditional I mean via kisses, hugs, saying sweet things, et cetera. I''m not super mushy, but I do like a good hug every once in a while, and there is definitely a disparity between our affectionate levels.

This was something that also really bothered me a few years into our relationship. I started to wonder if he just wasn''t that into me, or if he was no longer interested in being with me, or if he didn''t find me attractive, etc. etc. However, wondering turned out to be the worst thing I could have done. What I really needed to do was to just ask him what the deal was. So I did. It turned out that he was madly in love with me, and he was shocked when I said that I didn''t "feel the love" because of his lack of affection, because he thought he was very affectionate.

The problem was in our personal (and different) definitions of affection. I show affection through words and physical gestures. He shows affection through actions.

Examples: Where I would give him a bear hug, he would spend 45 minutes driving up and down Lake Shore Drive to find a parking spot so I wouldn''t have to do it myself when I came over to visit. Where I would lay a big, fat kiss on him, he makes me hot tea and oatmeal on very cold mornings and slips it into my car when I don''t even know he''s awake yet. See what I mean?

Now, this doesn''t mean that I don''t miss being told sweet things, or given hugs and whatnot. We talked about it, and he does try to say nice things and do that stuff, but it just isn''t in his nature. And I learned that while I''m sure he doesn''t mind a big hug, he REALLY appreciates it when I take the time to think of doing something to make his day easier or better. I wasn''t the only one who wasn''t getting the type of affection I craved.

If I were you, I''d talk to him about it, tell him how you feel, and what you need. Then listen to him, and see how he interprets things. You two may just have different styles of showing your affection, and I think once you recognize that it is very easy to deal with it and find a solution.

This discussion I referenced was also the same one that resulted in our promise to write each other nice handwritten letters for every holiday and birthday (instead of bought gifts) so we would always know how much the other cared. This is one of my favorite traditions with my husband, and it would have never happened if I hadn''t talked to him about this issue.

Good luck, I''m pretty sure you''ll be able to work this one out.

 

[fieryred33143]

I agree with Haven about talking to him. My FI is exactly as Haven described her husband to be. He''s not the kisses in public type of guy but his actions speak volumes.

Does he perhaps show his affection in other ways besides physically?

I think you really do need to speak with him especially because he knows it bothers you and yet still laughs when he doesn''t kiss you back. He shouldn''t be doing that.

 

[Circe]

My very first relationship - all 7 years of it - was an ongoing struggle with this sort of thing. While he was a great guy in many ways, we never did successfully reconcile our individual approaches to romance, and I came out of that relationship with enough baggage to weigh down an ocean liner. While I may have been intellectually aware of the fact that he had his own issues and that he would have acted that way with anyone, subconsciously I was positive that it reflected some essentially undesirable quality within myself.

NOT healthy.

My advice, if he''s amenable, would be to look into couples counseling to see if there are any deliberate strategies that the two of you can employ to deal with this together. But, as fieryred33143 said, there''s something off about the fact that your reaction to his rejecting you amuses him: even if it''s become a running joke, there''s something disturbing about that dynamic.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Haven''s response is spot on.

In my relationship I am the one who is not affectionate. Occasionally I will snuggle with FI for a bit but it''s very rare. I can tell you honestly that it has absolutely nothing to do with him - at all. I am very much attracted to him. I am very munch into him. I am just a "less is more in the affectionate department" person. I don''t like over the top romance, I don''t like long cuddles - in fact, situations like that tend to make me feel very uncomfortable. FI is very similar but it took him awhile to learn that I am also that way. He was used to girls who always wanted to cuddle and kiss and be hugged - so he went through a phase where he thought I wasn''t into him. He spoke to me about it - I explained that I was just not an affectionate person - and we moved onward and upward together. I am cautious to remember his needs - so I always give him a hug and a kiss when I come come at night but sometimes that''s the extent of my affection. He understands that like Haven''s DH - I show how much I love him in other ways.

Once again, allow me to reiterate - I love my FI. I am incredibly attracted to him. While I am completely, madly in love with FI, I am not in love with snuggling and affection all the time. It''s simply who I am and does not reflect my feelings and attraction to anyone else.

 

[purselover]

Date: 12/10/2008 5:49:40 PM
Author: Keepingthefaith21
Haven''s response is spot on.


In my relationship I am the one who is not affectionate. Occasionally I will snuggle with FI for a bit but it''s very rare. I can tell you honestly that it has absolutely nothing to do with him - at all. I am very much attracted to him. I am very munch into him. I am just a ''less is more in the affectionate department'' person. I don''t like over the top romance, I don''t like long cuddles - in fact, situations like that tend to make me feel very uncomfortable. FI is very similar but it took him awhile to learn that I am also that way. He was used to girls who always wanted to cuddle and kiss and be hugged - so he went through a phase where he thought I wasn''t into him. He spoke to me about it - I explained that I was just not an affectionate person - and we moved onward and upward together. I am cautious to remember his needs - so I always give him a hug and a kiss when I come come at night but sometimes that''s the extent of my affection. He understands that like Haven''s DH - I show how much I love him in other ways.


Once again, allow me to reiterate - I love my FI. I am incredibly attracted to him. While I am completely, madly in love with FI, I am not in love with snuggling and affection all the time. It''s simply who I am and does not reflect my feelings and attraction to anyone else.

I second this I''m def just not an affectionate person, it''s nothing personal at all

 

[AdiS]

Completely agree with Keepingthefaith. Sometimes being less affectionate doesn''t mean loving less. My hubby is a really emotional type of guy (I wonder if he has some italian genes in him? Hmmm...) - he shouts, he waves his hands like a windmill and throws things around when he''s mad and he likes to hug and kiss. A lot. Any place and any time. I''m just not like that. I''m more of an introvert. He was puzzled at first that I didn''t feel like snuggling and cuddling all the time, but I don''t think he was really hurt. We talked about it once or twice and that disparity between our affectionate levels has never caused us major problems or quarrels. Then again, I rarely reject him when he wants to give me a kiss or a hug, for example. It''s just that usually I don''t feel like going to him and doing it myself. Not that I don''t love him. I do. I love him more than I ever imagined I could love another human being (since I know myself relatively well and I''m aware I''m not the most loving and affectionate woman). I was surprised to find out that I am able to be head over heels in love. But it doesn''t change who I am. DH know that and he doesn''t mind. As long as he feels the love, he doesn''t want me to keep proving it with physical gestures. (And as long as he is allowed to hug me and kiss me as much as he wants I guess

). He just doesn''t expect the same from me.

But if this situation hurts one of you, then it''s not ok. You have to find a way around this because the chance that he might change is pretty much non existent. You don''t change your natural temperament. At least not successfully. Talk to him. Try to accept that he loves you but he''s not that good in showing it in that particular way. If that really hurts you however and you couldn''t possibly be happy without him showing the same level of affection you provide, then maybe you should seriously reconsider your relationship. I''m sure you''ll find a way to sort things out though. Good luck!

 

[sunnyd]

Pick up a copy of 5 Love Languages. Where you might show your love through affection, he shows it in another way, like Haven''s hubby. It talks about how to recognize and ''speak'' your SO''s love language which should result in a happier relationship where both people get what they need. You both have to be willing to work on it though. But it''s helped me and FF immensely. I highly recommend it.

 

[Bia]

Hmmmm. AnonNeedsAdvice, I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. I think what my fellow PSers said makes a lot of sense, it might just not be "his" way of showing he loves you.

Here's the BUT...

I am a very, very affectionate person. I was brought up that way and while I understand a lot of people were not, being affectionate is one of the ways I show love. It is also something I need from people that I love. That is one characteristic that would be a dealbreaker for me (but that's me). If my BF were not naturally affectionate (thankfullY he is very affectionate), then I probably would have never gotten serious with him in the first place. But lets say, for argument's sake (since you said he wasn't always like this), that I did. I would have no choice than to tell him that although he may love me more than anything, the lack of affection (i.e., kissing, hugging, cuddling, etc.) was really making me depressed. I would try and make him understand in any way I could. And, here's the thing that might not sit well with everyone: If he wasn't able to change, I couldn't stay in that relationship. I'll compare it to another current LIW thread: If you and BF were on the same page about wanting children before you got married and then a few years into marriage you find out he no longer does want children, what would you do? I couldn't stay, because my need to have a child is far too great. Some women might...their love for their husbands might be enough, but it wouldnt' be enough for me. Since you're not married yet, this is something I seriously think you should consider.

As I said, I encourage you to find a way to tell your BF how much his lack of affection hurts you...because it does, otherwise you wouldn't have posted this thread. Hopefully he will change. But know that he may not. If he can't change, then...I don't know. I guess that's for you to decide.

Wishing you the best...(((hugss)))

 

[AnonNeedsAdvice]

Thanks ladies for all your replies. I have been very busy at work so I hadn't had a chance to sign into PS.
I am feeling a little better today after reading all your responses. When I really think of it, he hasn't changed over the years. In fact, he's always been the non-affectionate type except that at the beginning of the relationship, we could barely keep our hands off of each other but once that faded, well...it faded lol, and the little things that I crave, like his long kisses that used to make my stomach flip flop are now mostly gone. Since I still feel like I want those things (and I'm not talking about in public, I'm not a PDA type of girl at all), it saddens me to see that he doesn't want them also and then I project that into "Well, he must not be that in love with me."

It is good to hear from those of you out there who are madly in love with your SOs but just aren't the affectionate type.

Thank you so much to everyone for contributing to this thread, but a special thanks to Haven. It is really uplifting to know that others have been in my situation and that things have worked out. Your post has made me think about the other little things that he does that do show that he loves me. I want him to be crazy about me the way I am about him, and he probably is, just shows it in different ways.

I don't have time to respond to everyone individually, but the whole situation with him laughing when he doesn't kiss me back kinda painted him in a bad light. The reality of the situation is that I do overcompensate for his lack of affection (and it is something that I am trying to stop since I have noticed that he is a teeny bit more forthcoming with his affection when I pull back on mine) and I am sure it can get annoying. So while when I'm in a sensitive mood, it bothers me a little, most of the time it really is a legitimate joke: I'll pull up to peck him on the lips and he'll tense up and get this scared expression on his face, and we'll both crack up laughing!

Also, after I reread my post and your replies, I realized that he is not COMPLETELY cold, he will cuddle with me when we go to sleep at night, it's just the spontaneous kisses, hugs, compliments that I would like...but guess I can live without in the grand scheme of things.