need support from LIW!!!

[dec2410]

WARNING – This is long. But, I need some support!

My SO and I had been talking about marriage since very early on in our relationship. We just "knew" from the start that we were going to be together for the long haul. Mind you we''ve only been together 8 months. People ask, "how do you know he''s the one when you haven''t been together that long..." My reply..when you know YOU KNOW.

So, in July, we were having a conversation about kids and how we''ll raise them and proceeded to talk about marriage. I, being anal-retentive about timelines (I''m sure many of you LIW feel me on this one

) asked him, out of the blue, "so when do you think we''ll be married?" There was no pressure or hidden meanings behind the question. He answered, "this time next year!" with a firm nod of the head. I was shocked b/c I just assumed that we''d be married in like 2 years or something. I had no idea so soon. We continued to talk about weddings and we both agreed that we don''t want a big shabang of a wedding, but something really small and intimate with just family and close friends. That was the end of that conversation. Clearly, hearing that, my brain automatically goes into a haywire, calibrating a timeline in my head. I thought, “married next year, huh? A Sept wedding. So, a few months to prepare…so maybe a Dec/Jan engagement…?!” I got all excited and mentioned it to some close friends. They got all excited for me, too.

Fast forward to Labor Day weekend, I went to visit my married best friend and her husband who live in CT (I’m from NJ btw). We go shopping and they ask if I know what kind of rings I like. I said more or less but not really. They said that I have to try on rings to really know what I like…it’s a completely different feel on your finger. We try on rings and even when I get home, I go browsing around to try on settings and different carat sizes to see what I like. During my browse, I came across my perfect ring! I didn’t want to mention it to him only b/c I knew he always wanted the whole proposal/engagement thing would be a surprise but I found the PERFECT ring so I decided to tell him.

He was initially kind of taken back by it, b/c it was so out of nowhere. He said he didn’t want to go see it. He asked me why I wanted him to see it, I said just for you to see it! I asked him why he didn’t want to see it, and after being quiet for a second, he said he was just being selfish and wanted that picturesque, perfect idea in his head of what his proposal would look like, which included me being completely and utterly surprised with the ring that he would chose for me. I said ok and that we wouldn’t have to go. After a few hours had passed and we were running around doing other things, he said that we would go the next day. I made sure that he wasn’t JUST doing it to make me happy and he had no heart in it (he tends to do things for the one reason…to make me happy. I love him for it, but I can’t stand it at times!) He assured me that he wanted to so we went the next day. He got a card from the jeweler and we left. He was still a little uncomfortable with the whole thing (I could just tell) even tho he had a smile on his face the entire time. We talked later that night and he said that he thought all this would’ve been on his timeline. I told him that the only reason why any of this started was because he mentioned that we would be married next year! That’s when I realized that that was our “boy soon/girl soon” moment. He had just said that w/o any concrete plans in his head.

To make a long story maybe a little less long…He ended up sticking to the “married next year” thing and all was gravy until yesterday. He had a talk with our pastor (we met at church) and he realized he’s not ready. He told me he went to the jewelers with me, again, just to make me happy and if there’s ONE thing that I don’t want him to do just b/c it’ll make me happy is rush into engagement/marriage. I was so upset with him and started crying. He felt horrible b/c he just wants to make me happy! I got my hopes so high up and now I feel so low. We know we’re going to get married and I love my SO more and more everyday but he knocked me so hard off my little cloud that I’m so

. I can’t be mad at him for doing what he did b/c he didn’t have any bad intentions, he really only wanted to make me happy. But I can’t help be so sad. …sigh…

I want to take our time with this. I want US to be ready when we get married. I completely agree with him, but I wish he would’ve just been HONEST with me instead of always just wanting to make me happy. (That sounds so bad. Haha.) So there, that’s my LONG LONG story. I’m sorry again for the long story but its been eating at me and I think about it and cry.

 

[ladypirate]

I''m so sorry, Julie...that''s tough.

It''s obvious that your boyfriend loves you very much and wants to do everything he can to make you happy...and I think it''s wonderful that you are being understanding with his internal timeline, disappointing as that must be. It''s obvious you really care about him, as well.

That said, it''s still disappointing when you are ready right now and he''s not. Have you talked to him and told him how you''re feeling? You might try telling him that while you support him, you can''t help but be disappointed, and also communicating how disappointed you were that he didn''t feel like he could be honest with you. He may think that by trying to make you happy, he''s doing the right thing, so maybe he just needs to be told that you''d rather he be true to his own feelings.

Since the proposal sounds like it''ll be postponed for a bit, maybe suggest going away for a romantic weekend or something. It''s not an engagement, but it might help soothe the disappointment and give you guys a chance to really connect, away from everything else.

*Hugs* Best of luck. I''m sure you''ll pull through this. And hey, maybe it''s better that it''s not happening yet because it gives you guys a chance to talk about some of these issues without the stress of planning a wedding getting in the way.

 

[Miscka]

Hugs to you Julie! Bless your heart, that sounds rough. I agree with LP tho, it does sound like he loves you very much. It also sounds like he is really thinking it through, and that is always a good thing. You would much rather that than he just jump in. I can totally understand why you would be bummed, especially since he pushed your timeline up at first. Maybe now it will be closer to your orignal idea of 2 years. More time to plan!

 

[Independent Gal]

Awwww... poor you Julie! That is certainly tough and I''m sorry to hear

I know what you mean about just knowing. We knew after about two months, and got engaged at about the ... 9ish? month mark. Something like that. But we''re both past the big 3-0 and both were also really ready for marriage and commitment (well, as ready as you CAN be... I had a few freak-outs about losing my independence, I confess!)

If you guys are a little younger (are you?) then I could see him being sure, but scared all at once. Y''know? He definitely loves you. His behaviour, while wrong and hurtful, was clearly wrapped up with his devotion to you and excitement about you. I''d hang in there, maybe until 18 months of dating, and then bring it up again.

Oh, and I can imagine how it feels sort of embarassing after telling your friends. I have a good friend who was dating a guy who actually brought up engagement, rings, etc. Actually set a budget and told her to pick something, then freaked out and broke up with her. She had already told her parents and friends they were about to be engaged. Horrible! Well, personally I think she absolutely dodged a bullet. I always thought he was a class 1 A$$.

In the long run, it will be a good thing since he''ll be fully sure when you meet him at the altar.

One thing though: maybe make super clear to him that in the future, you''d ALWAYS rather have the straight goods, even if it''s not what you want to hear. Just think of the future troubles that could arise otherwise.

 

[DMBsGirl]

I''m really sorry that you are going through this. It really shows the differences between men and women on this topic though. Whenever they mention the topic we immediately get our hopes up and they fail to realize that we expect things to happen SOON. While I know it is disappointing to know that things will not happen as soon as you''d like, this conversation can open things up for a real timeline discussion. How long will you be comfortable waiting for him to be ready before you start to get resentful, angry, etc? In my case, I have been with my FF for nine years this month. We began dating at 18 (there was a 9 month breakup about 2 1/2 yrs ago.) I have wanted to get engaged for about a year now, and it has been torturous waiting. He assured me that it would happen this year. Whlile I wanted it to happen a year ago, knowing that there was an end in sight made it a little bit more bearable. Let him know that you want him to be ready but you don''t want to feel like your life is on hold indefinitely because YOU are sure that marriage is what you want. Give him time to think about it and ask him to get back to you.

 

[bee*]

aww sorry to hear that-you must be so disappointed

It''s clear to see that your bf loves you and it def seems to be a case of girl/boy soon. Have another chat with him and see what he''s thinking. Can he see himself doing it in 1/2/3 years? It definitely helps having an end in sight

 

[zhuzhu]

I am sorry to hear of your disappointment too! But is sure sounds like he loves you and cares about you greatly. Try to be patient with him and be there for each other!

 

[Haven]

Julie, I''m sorry to hear you''re going through this difficult situation. Trust me--a lot of ladies on this forum can relate quite well. Many of us have been where you are, ready to commit and with a man who seems like he should be ready (since he knows he wants to marry us) yet isn''t ready to actually move forward.

The only advice I can give is that even though it is so very difficult to just relax and enjoy the time you two spend together and have faith in the fact that you both love each other and want to be together, this is what you have to try to do. My FI and I just got engaged this past Saturday after dating for almost three and a half years, and I had the same frustration you''re facing now before it happened. However, the best thing I ever did was come onto PS and vent a little, get the frustration out, and then focus on enjoying my time with my man.

If you both know, that''s wonderful. There are no rules for how long you need to know someone before you can tell if he''s the one, and we knew pretty early on in our relationship and we still waited a long time before we got engaged--enjoy the time, enjoy the anticipation, and whenever you''re frustrated hop onto PS, send out a quick rant, and browse through SMTR and fill up your "dream ering" folder. (Easier said than done, I know.)

Good luck.

 

[dec2410]

Thanks ladies for all your support!! Kind words are always so comforting!

I''ve "gotten over" what happened this weekend, and I''m happy. This is great. I love my SO and now we get to just be US again. For a few weeks, with the pressure we were both more irritable than usual, but tomorrow we''re gonna meet up for lunch and just enjoy each other''s company w/o any distractions. All in all, we both learned from this experience and you know you really love someone when you get into an argument/fight/disagreement/whatever and once that period of disagreement is over, you love and care for them that much more. It''s a great feeling. I think he''s had a weight lifted off his shoulders and I''m sure I have, too. I''m happy. He''s happy.

I love that I have PS to come on and whine to. Thanks ladies.

Oh yeah...Independent Gal - We are younger. He''s 25 and I''m going on 24.