Need some PS wisdom in the form of dating advice

[joflier]

I''m jumping back into the dating world, slowly but surely. But I feel so green. I need the wise words of my PS friends!!!

So, I''ve been dating someone for the last month or so. He''s a really great guy. He''s very sweet, caring, affectionate, easy going. We get along really well. And he''s absolutely crazy about me! But I''m just so hesitant about it. I like him, and really like spending time with him.....but yet, I don''t feel this overwhelming amount of chemistry, or fireworks. There are some, don''t get me wrong, but its just very different from when I fell for my husband (granted that obviously didn''t have a happy ending) and a couple other relationships, where you could just feel the chemistry. Almost like it was electric. So even though I like this guy, I just don''t know if its worth pursuing. Part of me says that I should feel a lot of sparks, like I have before. If I don''t feel that right now, will I ever? Or am I wasting our time? But part of me says that, it takes time...yadda yadda - all that good stuff....I just feel rather confused about it. What scares me the most is that I''m watching him fall in love with me....fast. I don''t want to be a heartbreaker.

Any thoughts or advice? What did you girls, or guys, feel with your s.o.? Did you feel an intense chemistry right away? Or did it develop slowly?

 

[Amethyste]

I am so happy that you are venturing in the dating world...

BRAVO!!!!
When I met my husband - it was more than electric. It was like he sucked all the pain out of my heart. He was the only one
in whom I rested my heart in his hands. I totally surrendered myself to him and it was so fast. It really scared me at first cause i NEVER
felt that way with any men that I dated. So we took our time, he knew my background and gave me all the time in the world to
experience our relationship. Ours was not easy cause I lived in the USA and he lived in Germany. We saw each other every 3 months. Through
the thick and the thin, we made it through.

Maybe that you are just cautious to not open up yourself in a fast fashion. Just because you know you have been hurt, perhaps you have "numbed" yourself and your heart to feel love again... Or maybe it is just not the time yet, or the right man yet...

 

[princesss]

Sounds like you''ve got a huge case of "But he looks good on paper!"

Move on. If he''s falling fast and you''re really not feeling it so much (not that you don''t like him/enjoy him/whatever, but more that you''re feeling like things will be really unequal), I say end it with him now and give both of you the chance to find something great, rather than hoping this magically turns into something wonderful.

 

[dragonfly411]

The key line for me here was "I don''t feel this overwhelming amount of chemistry, or fireworks.

You should feel overwhelmingly excited about that one... and if you don''t then to me is it ever going to be exactly what you want?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I guess this is hard to advise you on simply because we don''t know what is enough for you to be happy with.

If you''re not "both feet in" then get out of it before he feels like its more serious. Spare yourself and him...allow yourself and him to be open to meeting someone else who is fantastic.

 

[Haven]

I am not the type to feel intense chemistry right away with anyone. It isn't because I'm too guarded or anything like that, it's because I fall for things that take some time to appreciate, like serious intelligence, or men who are deeply passionate about certain things. Therefore, I never felt any real chemistry right away as an adult. (As an adolescent I pretty much fell in love with a new guy every day, but that was different!)

If I were you, I'd consider whether you're getting the friend vibe from this guy, or whether you just don't know him well enough yet to feel that chemistry. With my own husband I was *seriously* intrigued by him when we first met, and I'll admit my heart did go ga-thump the first time he kissed me, but intense chemistry? No, that took much longer to develop.

The only red flag for me in this case would be that he is so quick to fall in love with you. That would send me running for the hills.

ETA: Hang in there! I remember getting back into the dating world after a five year relationship, and while it certainly wasn't a marriage, it was a bit scary. BUT, it can be so much fun, so enjoy!

 

[Miscka]

Date: 8/10/2009 4:46:20 PM
Author: Haven
I am not the type to feel intense chemistry right away with anyone. It isn''t because I''m too guarded or anything like that, it''s because I fall for things that take some time to appreciate, like serious intelligence, or men who are deeply passionate about certain things. Therefore, I never felt any real chemistry right away as an adult. (As an adolescent I pretty much fell in love with a new guy every day, but that was different!)


If I were you, I''d consider whether you''re getting the friend vibe from this guy, or whether you just don''t know him well enough yet to feel that chemistry. With my own husband I was *seriously* intrigued by him when we first met, and I''ll admit my heart did go ga-thump the first time he kissed me, but intense chemistry? No, that took much longer to develop.


The only red flag for me in this case would be that he is so quick to fall in love with you. That would send me running for the hills.


ETA: Hang in there! I remember getting back into the dating world after a five year relationship, and while it certainly wasn''t a marriage, it was a bit scary. BUT, it can be so much fun, so enjoy!

Ditto! I am the same way, and had I ditched DH bc of a lack of instant chemistry, I would have missed out on something amazing! I was pretty fresh out of a long relationship, and I think just not ready to have those feelings, which is a good thing IMO. After we took it slow for a bit, I started to REALLY feel that crazy connection, and I am so glad I was patient with myself.

 

[April20]

I think that if you feel like you''re trying to talk yourself into liking this guy enough to continue the relationship, it''s time to cut him loose.

 

[Luckyeshe]

Date: 8/10/2009 4:53:40 PM
Author: Miscka

Date: 8/10/2009 4:46:20 PM
Author: Haven
I am not the type to feel intense chemistry right away with anyone. It isn't because I'm too guarded or anything like that, it's because I fall for things that take some time to appreciate, like serious intelligence, or men who are deeply passionate about certain things. Therefore, I never felt any real chemistry right away as an adult. (As an adolescent I pretty much fell in love with a new guy every day, but that was different!)


If I were you, I'd consider whether you're getting the friend vibe from this guy, or whether you just don't know him well enough yet to feel that chemistry. With my own husband I was *seriously* intrigued by him when we first met, and I'll admit my heart did go ga-thump the first time he kissed me, but intense chemistry? No, that took much longer to develop.


The only red flag for me in this case would be that he is so quick to fall in love with you. That would send me running for the hills.


ETA: Hang in there! I remember getting back into the dating world after a five year relationship, and while it certainly wasn't a marriage, it was a bit scary. BUT, it can be so much fun, so enjoy!

Ditto! I am the same way, and had I ditched DH bc of a lack of instant chemistry, I would have missed out on something amazing! I was pretty fresh out of a long relationship, and I think just not ready to have those feelings, which is a good thing IMO. After we took it slow for a bit, I started to REALLY feel that crazy connection, and I am so glad I was patient with myself.

Thritto! My FI wasn't my type (he was sweet, smart, and wonderful. He's the all around boy next door). At all. But then again, my type (the guys who make me melt yada yada yada~ I had a thing for bad boys) where horrible for me. If it wasn't for the fact that we were LDR and I got to appreciate him for who he was without all that physical chemistry, I would be missing out on the best thing that ever happened to me.

Now, if he's falling into you faster than you are to him, then you may want to tell him or break it off in that respect. Just don't let the chemistry be everything.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 8/10/2009 4:30:56 PM
Author:joflier
I''m jumping back into the dating world, slowly but surely. But I feel so green. I need the wise words of my PS friends!!!

So, I''ve been dating someone for the last month or so. He''s a really great guy. He''s very sweet, caring, affectionate, easy going. We get along really well. And he''s absolutely crazy about me! But I''m just so hesitant about it. I like him, and really like spending time with him.....but yet, I don''t feel this overwhelming amount of chemistry, or fireworks. There are some, don''t get me wrong, but its just very different from when I fell for my husband (granted that obviously didn''t have a happy ending) and a couple other relationships, where you could just feel the chemistry. Almost like it was electric. So even though I like this guy, I just don''t know if its worth pursuing. Part of me says that I should feel a lot of sparks, like I have before. If I don''t feel that right now, will I ever? Or am I wasting our time? But part of me says that, it takes time...yadda yadda - all that good stuff....I just feel rather confused about it. What scares me the most is that I''m watching him fall in love with me....fast. I don''t want to be a heartbreaker.

Any thoughts or advice? What did you girls, or guys, feel with your s.o.? Did you feel an intense chemistry right away? Or did it develop slowly?

I''ve dated several people the past few months. With a couple, there was an amazing amount of chemistry which quickly diminished (oh, around week 2-3). With another, not a ton of chemistry but he was definitely falling hard and fast for me. I decided to cut ties quickly with all of them. Not fair to string someone along because you feel like you *might* end up falling in love or learning to love him, or something.

I''ve gone into every single dating scenario very open, honest, and up-front about my situation. I''m dating for fun, and to feel like a part of the social world again, and not looking for anything serious. That way we''re on the same page from the beginning.

 

[joflier]

I see both sides of the coin. I don''t want to string him along. Although, I did tell him that I''m not ready for anything serious, or committed. He said that he is, but that he''s very patient, so take my time.

I just don''t want to let something good go, if there''s any chance it could turn into something great.

And when ex h and I were dating, and the also the last dating relationship - there was awesome and intense chemistry. Just indescribable and unbelieveable. But obviosuly, with the ex and almost 7 years together, that chemistry long since faded, and there was so much dischord, it was almost ridiculous. So then part of me thinks, that those sparks are a little overrated. Granted you need sparks for a good relationship, but how much? But yet....not enough, and its just a friendship. Keep the opinions and experiences coming!

 

[JulieN]

Date: 8/10/2009 5:14:24 PM
Author: joflier

I just don't want to let something good go, if there's any chance it could turn into something great.

MOST romantic intrigues will not be great. The chances of something turning great are very small.

You wonder if it is something worth pursuing. I say that is the wrong thing to wonder. Just sit back and let him pursue you.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

While I feel like that chemistry/connection dosn''t have to happen on the first date, it is always something I have experienced early in my relationship with guys I really liked. I think if it has been a whole month, and you still have not had that feeling, it might not be right.

 

[tlh]

I agree with princesss... it does sound like a "I love him on paper!" My thoughts...Go on a few dates have some fun. That is what life is about.

Jo - some guys are good only for rolling the eyes back into the head. (Be caution, most of the POWERFUL eye rollers are bad guys... so this would be a roll and run.) Some guys are good for providing a tender ear, and shoulder. Go out have fun. You know what you are looking for. Shoot, I''ve kissed some frogs, and now I just have a few stories to tell. THEY ARE FUNNY STORIES... and I understand that you''re worried about breaking his heart or having him fall in love with you too fast. Easy way to fix that... have this conversation.

HIM: So what are you doing Friday night?
YOU: Oh, I''m going on a date with a guy from .. bowling. (and actually have a date with someone)
HIM: I thought we were exclusive!
YOU: I told you I didn''t want anything serious. I just got out of a difficult divorce, and I really need to date right now. I''m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. I like you and have a lot of fun, but I just need to be sure that I don''t get swept up into anything serious too soon. I hope you understand.
HIM:

It may seem mean, but as long as you are open honest and direct, I''ve never had anyone hate me for that. THEY GET ANGRY AND UPSET AT THE LIARS. At least if you are completely honest, it won''t seem like you''re leading him on ... and if it doesn''t work... then he was moving too fast anyway... and maybe he''ll respect your honesty.

((HUGS!)) I missed you!

 

[joflier]

Date: 8/10/2009 6:29:30 PM
Author: tlh
I agree with princesss... it does sound like a ''I love him on paper!'' My thoughts...Go on a few dates have some fun. That is what life is about.

Jo - some guys are good only for rolling the eyes back into the head. (Be caution, most of the POWERFUL eye rollers are bad guys... so this would be a roll and run.) Some guys are good for providing a tender ear, and shoulder. Go out have fun. You know what you are looking for. Shoot, I''ve kissed some frogs, and now I just have a few stories to tell. THEY ARE FUNNY STORIES... and I understand that you''re worried about breaking his heart or having him fall in love with you too fast. Easy way to fix that... have this conversation.

HIM: So what are you doing Friday night?
YOU: Oh, I''m going on a date with a guy from .. bowling. (and actually have a date with someone)
HIM: I thought we were exclusive!
YOU: I told you I didn''t want anything serious. I just got out of a difficult divorce, and I really need to date right now. I''m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. I like you and have a lot of fun, but I just need to be sure that I don''t get swept up into anything serious too soon. I hope you understand.
HIM:

It may seem mean, but as long as you are open honest and direct, I''ve never had anyone hate me for that. THEY GET ANGRY AND UPSET AT THE LIARS. At least if you are completely honest, it won''t seem like you''re leading him on ... and if it doesn''t work... then he was moving too fast anyway... and maybe he''ll respect your honesty.

((HUGS!)) I missed you!

Hey Tristan! Been awhile!

you always have such an interesting perspective! Maybe your right about the ''on paper'' thing. But then again, I do really enjoy the time I spend with him. I guess I just need to give it a little more time to evaluate.

 

[cindygenit]

I agree with what everyone has said.

Dating should be fun! It sounds like you''re feeling bad that he likes you more than you like him and because he''s a good guy, you''re trying to force yourself to like him more.

 

[trillionaire]

My FI and I were friends first. We''ve known each other for 9 years, and I wouldn''t really call him ''my type'' at all. When we first met, I was not in interested him and quickly started dating someone else, and I would have lost all of my money if you had told me we would end up together. Years later, I was the one asking HIM out, lol. And then, I regretted that, because things were awkward, and the chemistry was off because we were both being guarded for different reasons. So I broke up with him.

Then we remained friends, and 5 months later, after careful consideration and realizing how much I really cared and missed him (he was my BFF!), I asked him back out. There were no butterflies then, in the early times. But man, once we got back together, it was PASSIONATE! Geez! Then later, love and butterflies! We''re about to have our 6th anniversary, and I still get butterflies. So, love, chemistry, passion, they can evolve with time if you are open to them. But, I''ve also dated guys whom I was not interested in... I was just interested in their interest... and those relationships were going nowhere fast. It''s a tough call, and I hate to string people along...

Glad you are getting back out there! Best of luck!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 8/10/2009 4:30:56 PM
Author:joflier
I''m jumping back into the dating world, slowly but surely. But I feel so green. I need the wise words of my PS friends!!!

So, I''ve been dating someone for the last month or so. He''s a really great guy. He''s very sweet, caring, affectionate, easy going. We get along really well. And he''s absolutely crazy about me! But I''m just so hesitant about it. I like him, and really like spending time with him.....but yet, I don''t feel this overwhelming amount of chemistry, or fireworks. There are some, don''t get me wrong, but its just very different from when I fell for my husband (granted that obviously didn''t have a happy ending) and a couple other relationships, where you could just feel the chemistry. Almost like it was electric. So even though I like this guy, I just don''t know if its worth pursuing. Part of me says that I should feel a lot of sparks, like I have before. If I don''t feel that right now, will I ever? Or am I wasting our time? But part of me says that, it takes time...yadda yadda - all that good stuff....I just feel rather confused about it. What scares me the most is that I''m watching him fall in love with me....fast. I don''t want to be a heartbreaker.

Any thoughts or advice? What did you girls, or guys, feel with your s.o.? Did you feel an intense chemistry right away? Or did it develop slowly?

you been cheating on me my RH gf?

 

[tlh]

Jo- I''m glad you enjoy the time you spend with him. That is important. You are definately entitled to some fun! Just don''t sell yourself short, you are a megawatt hottie, and he isn''t the only doggie sniffing your tail. I understand your caution and questioning the missing sparks... because yeah, in some regards, we all end up as friends in the end. So why not have a nice friendship from the start?? Ultimately, you already know what decision you want or what path you want to follow... it is often times the head that gets in the way... trying to rationalize decisions. Sometimes, with love... you just gotta LEAP!

I missed ya! You''ve been gone too long!

 

[joflier]

Date: 8/11/2009 1:11:24 AM
Author: Dancing Fire

you been cheating on me my RH gf?

Sorry babe. Nothing personal. Your still my PS bf!

 

[Moh 10]

On one hand I'd say, no chemistry no relationship.

Then I'm reminded how this may not be a black and white thing.
I have friends from India.
I have asked them how in the world could arranged marriages work.

They explain it can work very well and the couple gradually grow to love each other.
It is ALL in your expectations.

This link shows 45% of US marriages end in divorce.
In India only 1% do.

http://www.divorcemag.com/statistics/statsWorld.shtml

They do not have the expectation of instant chemistry, nor do they feel the relationship's success depends on it.

I am not arguing for arranged marriages, but a 99% marriage success rate in a country where immediate chemistry is not the main criteria gives one pause.

I say, give the guy a chance.
Take your time.

 

[ts44]

This sounds so much like me when I met my fiance. I hadn't dated in 3 years, and my prior relationship had been a crazy romance rollercoaster ride with the sparks and the passion and the WOW.

When I met my fiance, he asked me out and I was so anguished by the thought of actually dating again (worrying about somebody else? giving up my weekends?) I turned him down flat. Fortunately he stuck around and I got to know him first as a friend. My coworker kept talking him up to me so I finally sucked it up and asked him out on a date. It was nice. Not WOW or crazy or butterflies in my stomach or intense passion but nice. He was calm and rational with a sweet, goofy sense of humor that really grew on me. So we kept seeing each other. It was so easy! Almost too easy. It was effortless to date him, he just made me happy. Still, not a hell of a lot of sparks were had up until that point.

About 5 months later I thought about what it would be like if he decided not to see me anymore and felt this overwhelming sense of loss and sadness, and then I realized that I was really in love with him, and believe me, the sparks happened.

Sometimes these "sleepy" relationships can seem like duds at first, but I am absolutely sure that our relationship can weather any storm because it's built on a foundation of friendship, trust, and substance that I never had in any of my fireworks relationships. And that's pretty sexy to me!

 

[Erin]

If you have to ask, then he''s not The One and you shouldn''t pursue it any further. It''s too easy to get sucked into a Nice relationship just because it''s better than your last. Hold out for something great.

 

[LilyKat]

A good question to ask yourself is, how would you feel if he met someone he liked better and ended your relationship? Would you feel relief at being single and free, or deep sadness at losing him?

Answer that question honestly, and I think you''ll have your answer.

 

[joflier]

Date: 8/11/2009 11:30:19 AM
Author: Moh 10
On one hand I'd say, no chemistry no relationship.

Then I'm reminded how this may not be a black and white thing.
I have friends from India.
I have asked them how in the world could arranged marriages work.

They explain it can work very well and the couple gradually grow to love each other.
It is ALL in your expectations.

This link shows 45% of US marriages end in divorce.
In India only 1% do.

http://www.divorcemag.com/statistics/statsWorld.shtml

They do not have the expectation of instant chemistry, nor do they feel the relationship's success depends on it.

I am not arguing for arranged marriages, but a 99% marriage success rate in a country where immediate chemistry is not the main criteria gives one pause.

I say, give the guy a chance.
Take your time.

Interesting statistics......but I do think I'll forego the arranged marriage deal....(but then again, they do say mother knows best)

Anywho - I do want to clarify, that its not that I feel NO chemistry. There is SOME chemistry. Just not overpoweringly electric, head over heels, crazy mad, kind of chemistry. If there was nuthin - I'd not be wasting my time, nor posting about it. But having 'something' is why I feel conflicted and not sure which direction to take. Thanks for all the opinions and thoughts!

 

[Linda W]

I always say, be friends first. My hubby and I started out as friends. We were dating other people.

When we didn''t have a date, we would hang around with each other. This is how it was with us.

After a divorce, you need time to find yourself and date awhile. I met my hubby, 4 and a half years after my divorce.

 

[whitby_2773]

Date: 8/11/2009 6:27:34 PM
Author: Linda W
I always say, be friends first. My hubby and I started out as friends. We were dating other people.


When we didn''t have a date, we would hang around with each other. This is how it was with us.


After a divorce, you need time to find yourself and date awhile. I met my hubby, 4 and a half years after my divorce.

ditto this.

the ''chemistry'' - the thrill - the butterflies - die over time. what''s left, if you''re lucky, is deep understanding, trust respect, laughter, relaxation, comfort, and sex which gets better as all of the previous qualities deepen and mature. i''ve never been much for ''chemistry''. what i look for is ''fit'' - that easy melding between 2 people which says they''re right for each other.

some people have to have that initial zing (tho even those people should realize that it''s based on a hormone produced in the first couple of years of your relationship to initiate mating and the production of children, and that it fades after nature feels you''ve had enough time to do this). other people need different things. not having initial zing doesn''t mean you''re not a great fit, nor does it mean you won''t have mind blowing sex. if you really enjoy him, i''d give him some time. but i''d be Very Clear with him where you are emotionally so he''s not misled.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/11/2009 9:16:07 PM
Author: whitby_2773

Date: 8/11/2009 6:27:34 PM
Author: Linda W
I always say, be friends first. My hubby and I started out as friends. We were dating other people.


When we didn''t have a date, we would hang around with each other. This is how it was with us.


After a divorce, you need time to find yourself and date awhile. I met my hubby, 4 and a half years after my divorce.

ditto this.

the ''chemistry'' - the thrill - the butterflies - die over time. what''s left, if you''re lucky, is deep understanding, trust respect, laughter, relaxation, comfort, and sex which gets better as all of the previous qualities deepen and mature. i''ve never been much for ''chemistry''. what i look for is ''fit'' - that easy melding between 2 people which says they''re right for each other.

some people have to have that initial zing (tho even those people should realize that it''s based on a hormone produced in the first couple of years of your relationship to initiate mating and the production of children, and that it fades after nature feels you''ve had enough time to do this). other people need different things. not having initial zing doesn''t mean you''re not a great fit, nor does it mean you won''t have mind blowing sex. if you really enjoy him, i''d give him some time. but i''d be Very Clear with him where you are emotionally so he''s not misled.

Well said, as always.

FI and I have been called ''life partners'' for years...

 

[joflier]

Date: 8/11/2009 9:16:07 PM
Author: whitby_2773


ditto this.

the ''chemistry'' - the thrill - the butterflies - die over time. what''s left, if you''re lucky, is deep understanding, trust respect, laughter, relaxation, comfort, and sex which gets better as all of the previous qualities deepen and mature. i''ve never been much for ''chemistry''. what i look for is ''fit'' - that easy melding between 2 people which says they''re right for each other.

some people have to have that initial zing (tho even those people should realize that it''s based on a hormone produced in the first couple of years of your relationship to initiate mating and the production of children, and that it fades after nature feels you''ve had enough time to do this). other people need different things. not having initial zing doesn''t mean you''re not a great fit, nor does it mean you won''t have mind blowing sex. if you really enjoy him, i''d give him some time. but i''d be Very Clear with him where you are emotionally so he''s not misled.

That''s an interesting point. I guess I''d like to think that that chemistry could last forever when you find it. Maybe for some, it does. But from my own experience, it seems to fade away.......I am giving it some more time, but maybe a little distance so he doesn''t get led on, when I don''t know where I''m at.