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Need advice - stupid fight - very long post

Discussion in 'Hangout' started by NeedSomeAdvice, Oct 31, 2008.

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  1. NeedSomeAdvice
    Rough_Rock

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    by NeedSomeAdvice » Oct 31, 2008
    Hi everyone,

    Ok I''m a total dummy and I posted this under my regular account even though I wanted to remain anonymous. It doesn''t really matter if you guys know my actual identity - I just didn''t want BF stumbling across this since he definitely knows about PS. I''ve messaged the admins to remove my post under my actual screen name.

    So BF and I had a fight tonight, that left me wondering how to get past this frustration, and wondering if I''m the one at fault, and really need to readjust my perspective. Please be honest and candid, because I AM asking for advice, but I DO ask that the responses be polite and respectful.

    So here''s the background leading up to tonight:

    BF likes to drink and I don''t (meaning I like have a glass of wine or two, or a cocktail, but my stomach doesn''t like alcohol, and I hate the aftereffects of being drunk, i.e. being sick, whereas he does like to get drunk). For the last year, he hasn''t been able to because of health issues (alcohol affected medications he was on) but over the last few months, a new med has made things MUCH better, and I am so thankful for that. The one bad effect is that alcohol doesn''t seem to affect the efficacy of the medicine (knock on wood) which means he''s gone back to drinking. In his defense, he is not a bad drunk - he isn''t abusive, or even close to it. He doesn''t go around getting into fights or smashing things up, or becoming depressed or anything. But he DOES become a little more insensitive - kind of the "hearing but not listening" and he can get a bit confrontational and aggressive. We have arguments about my relationship to my mom and how she is too controlling and guilt trips me, when he drinks, because the way he brings it up is very critical. So the lead up from this is that not too long ago, we had a discussion/BIG BIG fight, in which he pretty much gave me an ultimatum: he''s not going to stop drinking. Without giving too much away, both of us are going into very high-stress jobs soon - and he definitely doesn''t want to give that up in those conditions. I can''t understand why he can''t just have one drink - he can''t understand why I have such a problem with it when he''s not acting like a total jerk, etc. What happened is that I gave in, because I mean, a LOT of people our age drink, and many drink more heavily. BF drinks maybe once or twice a week, although he does drink more on the heavy end when he does. His concession was that he would try very hard not to be a jerk when he drank. So this led to tonight.

    Tonight, we''re drinking - me just a couple glasses of wine - him a lot more. Things are going well, but ok, I admit it, I''m a total control freak. Part of it is growing up with my mom, who is an amazing, strong woman, but has also been very controlling - and unfortunately I picked up the same traits. So here is the stupid reason for tonight''s argument, and why a lot of you will (rightly) tell me that I am at fault. My rule is, fine, drink, I will do my darnedest to not be a brat, to accept it as long as you''re being nice, to not give you crap. In return, if you''re going to pass out in bed (the bed we share since we live together), I want you to brush your teeth. Yes, it is SO stupid, but it''s my one thing - the little thing that I want. And he rarely ever does when he drinks. And then I get mad, because it''s one thing, and he gets mad because it is really dumb and trivial. So we fight. And we did tonight. And it got into other stuff - like how his competitive drive drives me crazy sometimes. Amazingly, he''s not competitive about big stuff - he''s amazingly chill about that, but little things, like him not letting me have the remote when football is one, or canceling one of my shows recording on the DVR because sports is on, stuff like that. And I feel like I concede a lot, because it''s a lot easier than dealing with the hassle. But sometimes, I just don''t want to, and tonight, it was so much a case of "well, I conceded my entire position on the drinking issue! A huge issue, that really concerns me, that I really care about, so why can''t you do this one thing?" and it comes down to the "well, why are you being so controlling, and it always has to be your way?" counterargument.

    Not to mention that I''ve been feeling frustrated because I feel like he''s taking me for granted. Like, he was sick a couple weeks ago. I nursed him, brought him food, made him tea, brought him cold medicine every few hours, cleaned up, etc. I got sick right after - and he said he was sorry, then kind of nothing. I still cleaned up, still made food, he didn''t show sympathy, and I''m a total neat freak. And he''s not. And it happens that he doesn''t do little chores right away and I end up doing them, making me more resentful. And I don''t want to feel this way, because I love him, I have an amazing man that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I feel really ungrateful. But I can''t help still feeling frustrated. So what do I do?

    I am so sorry for this being so long. I don''t turn to my old home friends because they don''t know him that well - we''re in different cities and lives, and it''s hard to talk about this. My close friends here are also good friends with BF - and I don''t want to prejudice any of them against him through my side of the account. I am talking to a good friend about all this too, but I really just need some sympathy, but also a wake-up call, because I''m worried that I''m being totally unreasonable, that I have him on too tight a leash, and worried that I''ll drive him away.

    Please help, and thank you all so much.
     
  2. swingirl
    Ideal_Rock

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    by swingirl » Oct 31, 2008
    Sorry to hear about your fight. The bickering over things like the remote, teeth brushing and helping out are pretty typical for couples. You are going to annoy each other and every so often one of you doesn't let it go. But I would be quite concerned about the drinking. Even though you don't consider your BF a "bad drunk" the fact that it causes problems between the 2 of you is enough reason to be concerned. I am not saying he is an alcoholic but I do think he is abusing the stuff and it could eventually get worse.

    If you accept his drinking and still want to be with him I would recommend you not drink with him so you don't get into quarrels when he is insensitive and you are a bit touchy. It could be when he is drunk it's easier for him to pick on you and your mother. Maybe it's something that needs to be resolved when no one has been drinking.

    I do hope you work out the issues especially if you are planning on high-stress jobs.

    By the way, any alcoholism in his family?
     
  3. AdiS
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by AdiS » Oct 31, 2008
    Hey honey, first of all, I have this rule or a motto you could say that if something makes you feel bad, uncomfortable, frustrated or causes that uneasy gut reaction, then it''s wrong. So no, I don''t think you''re being unreasonable about it. I guess it''s more of a guilt thing. You''re feeling guilty because you''re not happy with certain things your BF does. And THAT is unreasonable. The healthy and wise way to approach this situation is to face it with straightforwardness and courage. You have to speak up, discuss, argue and yes, even fight about it (not the kind of fights where you just scream and shout and use all the insulting names you can think of though). If you conceal it deep inside and seemingly agree to compromise but this compromise doesn''t get to your heart, that''ll inevitably lead to disasters. You are going to lose it again because of really small things, like you said you did last night. And that I think is just because the compromise you achieved is not the compromise you were hoping for.

    This is a dance for two though. You admit you tend to be controlling and it bothers him so this is something you need to work on. Just like he needs to work on the drinking issue. "A huge issue, that really concerns me" you say. That says it all. It''s not something you could just grin and bear. It''s something that has to be talked about until you find the compromise that satisfies you both. Don''t blame yourself for not being ok with this situation. And don''t blame him either. Uncontrollable, vicious fights haven''t helped anyone to sort things out as far as I know. Just try to be patient, reasonable and justify your arguments calmly and as politely as possible. Don''t ask him "why can''t you do this one thing?" because he''d immediately feel attacked and will attack back but rather try to explain that this is something that you couldn''t ever feel comfortable with and you two need to find a solution. And I don''t see how brushing his teeth before going to bed can help in this situation (well, except for his personal hygiene which is always a good thing but kinda not the point here). Tell him things need to change, tell him it is important for you and tell him why. I''ll say it again - no shouting, no accusations and no disparaging names. Don''t make him go into defensive mode, try to make him feel relaxed and create a friendly atmosphere.

    That''s about all the advice I can give you right now. I really hope that it helps a bit and you have my support and sympathy for what it''s worth. I''ll keep you in my thoughts. I''m sure you two are able to work this out! Good luck!
     
  4. purrfectpear
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    by purrfectpear » Oct 31, 2008
    I''m having a problem with the "amazing man" part reconciling with alcoholism. [​IMG]

    Because that''s what it is. He doesn''t like to drink, he likes to get drunk. He passes out in bed. That''s not social drinking. He may be a decent drunk, but he''s still a drunk.
    So basically you are saying you''ve decided that living with an alcoholic is something you''re willing to deal with but you''d like to control his hygiene.

    If that''s the bottom line, then yes, I think you are being overcontrolling.

    It''s not the advice you asked for, but you can''t control someone else''s behavior. You CAN control yours. I would look at why you''re willing to accept a guy that wants things his way (remote, recording device, drinking, not giving care to you). You are enabling, and the reason seems to be low self esteem. Work on you and you may find that this is not the amazing guy you really want (or deserve). [​IMG]
     
  5. meresal
    Ideal_Rock

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    by meresal » Oct 31, 2008
    I'm kind of confused. You say you don't like to drink, but will sit down with him on a Thurs night and have a few glasses of wine? (Which I understand many people do this with dinner, but it doesn't sound like you all were eating.) It sounds like maybe it's not that you don't like to drink, you just don't like him drinking when you don't want to drink. That is VERY controlling and will cause him to rebel, like most people would.

    Your relationship sounds alot like the one I had with my ex, lots of give from my side and lots of take from his. It came down to me being ready for the next step (thinking I was at least), and him Not. People will give up parts of their independance when they want to, and it can't be forced.

    When you ask him to brush his teeth or stop drinking so much, are you asking or are you telling? If you're asking nicely, and he still does it to get under your skin, then you have a serious problem. My biggest issue with abusive relationships: No one should EVER do something to purposely, physically or mentally, hurt someone they love!
     
  6. fieryred33143
    Ideal_Rock

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    by fieryred33143 » Oct 31, 2008
    I can sympathize with a non-drinker being with a drinker. Except I don''t even have a couple glasses of wine. At most I''ll have a pina colada only when we''re at Bahama Breeze because they''re so good. FI drinks but not in the house as I don''t like to keep alcohol in the house and because I don''t drink, he barely drinks now. He''ll drink at a party, nightclub, or if we''re out in a restaurant with a large group of people but doesn''t get drunk. That said, I''ve seen him completely plastered three times in our 7 year relationship. And the one thing I''ve learned, you can''t reason with someone that is drunk. They don''t get it. If alcohol left a person feeling clear minded and able to carry themselves intelligently, it wouldn''t be illegal to drive drunk. I remember one of those three times he got so drunk, he passed out in the bathroom. He rolled up a towel as his pillow and used another as his blanket. And I said "honey come to bed", he didn''t move, so I left him there. There was no point in teaching him about how dirty it is to sleep on a bathroom floor or how his neck will hurt in the morning (which it did) because he''s drunk.

    I guess my point is that if you know he becomes this way when drunk and you accept that he''s going to be drunk on what seems like a regular basis and you''re ok with that, then realize that asking him to brush his teeth isn''t going to happen. And also realize that getting into an argument and trying to rationalize with him while drunk is not worth it at all.
     
  7. neatfreak
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    by neatfreak » Oct 31, 2008
    I do think you are overreacting about the teeth brushing.

    But if I may say so, this fight most certainly is NOT about the teeth brushing! Right at the end of your post where you acknowledge that you feel taken advantage of, etc.? THAT is the issue here. It's disrespect. The teeth brushing IMO is just a stand in for what you really feel like in your relationship...that he's disrespecting you in every way and won't even make a small concession (brushing his teeth) before coming to bed. If he would be willing to brush his teeth it would feel like he was respecting you at least a little and you'd feel better.

    But he doesn't and it sounds like he doesn't respect your wishes either...not a great start to a relationship. You really need to sit him down and tell him how upset this makes you. You deserve to be treated with respect ALL the time hon.
     
  8. diane5006
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by diane5006 » Oct 31, 2008
    I agree with others this is about more than the teeth brushing...and has very little to do with your mother

    You said "I can't understand why he can't just have one drink"

    Most likely it is because he is an alcoholoc...

    Just because he doesn't necessarily drink everyday...doesn't mean he doesn't have a problem

    The fact (if I am understanding your post correctly) that he went back to drinking after a year of not as soon as he could says a lot

    He will most likely continue to drink...he is the only one who can change that
     
  9. princesss
    Ideal_Rock

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    by princesss » Oct 31, 2008
    Ditto Purrfect and Diane.

    He ran back to alcohol as soon as he could. That''s not healthy. Always getting drunk when you drink is not healthy. Passing out is not healthy. It doesn''t matter if it''s not every day, this is not healthy.

    If you continue to stay in this relationship, you should at least know what you''re in.

    You are coming second to alcohol.

    Please check out an AlAnon meeting and talk to people that have been in your situation.
     
  10. MonkeyPie
    Ideal_Rock

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    by MonkeyPie » Oct 31, 2008
    Ok, while I understand where everyone is coming from, I really don''t think he is an alcoholic, for a couple of reasons. The first is that his first instinct is to tell you that you''re controlling and he gets angry about it. He knows you don''t like drinking more than a glass or two, and so he is using the alcohol like a weapon - if you do something he thinks is controlling, he drinks. Yes, I think it''s incredibly lame that he drinks until he passes out, but I don''t think it makes him a drunk, it just makes him dumb. It''s obvious he can stop - re:the drugs - so he can do it again, if he isn''t angry with you. Demanding for him to brush his teeth before bed is sort of like you trying REALLY hard to assert your control, because you find yourself giving in on pretty much every other occasion. I can see why he''s angry, you''re sending mixed signals that sometimes it''s ok to do whatever he wants and sometimes it isn''t. He''s really going about it the wrong way though, and he''s hurting your feelings which is NEVER ok. I think that during a time when he isn''t drinking and won''t have an opportunity to drink, you should ask him to have a reasonable conversation with you, and that if he raises his voice or berates you, the conversation is over. If this is honestly something you just can''t deal with, and you know in your gut that you will never be happy, now is the time to decide where you really need to be.

    I think I am having a hard time making myself understood lol. I know what I want to say, but I can''t seem to get it written out.
     
  11. laurel25
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by laurel25 » Oct 31, 2008
    I agree with others - I think he has a drinking problem. You stated that he doesn't want to give up drinking because he's going to be starting a high-stress job soon - so he's obvously drinking to relieve stress, which is a sign of a problem. I divorced my college sweetheart, who I loved so, so much because he was an alcoholic and much of your post sounds exactly like emails which I sent to friends at one point or another over the course of our 8 years together. I don't want to sound harsh, but basically, if he does have a drinking problem and it sounds like he does, there is nothing you can do or say to get him to stop or change his ways unless HE wants to. And most alcoholics can't just have one drink. It's a compulsion they have and they can't control it. Unless they are 100% committed to not drinking at all, they will continue to drink. They might give it up for a little while, but all it takes is one drink to put them back into the pattern.

    My ex-husband drank just like your BF and over time the drinking escalated and the fights escalated. It didn't matter what I said or did, he drank. He would promise to stop and said he knew he needed to cut back, and he would for a while, but then it would be right back to where it started and soon everything would be even worse. I threatened to leave him thinking that that would be a big enough deal to get him to realize how serious I was and even that didn't work. I ended up feeling completely worthless, helpless, and completely unhappy. I didn't even know who I was anymore. Things finally ended when we got into a huge fight because he didn't think I was getting dinner ready quick enough and he tried to punch me, kicked me 3 times, and head-butted me in the face. This from my sweet, shy, loving husband who I'd promised to spend the rest of my life with. I called my parents and had them come get me and left with my down comforter, my clothes, and $200. And to this day, over 4 years and a divorce later, it still saddens me that my marriage ended up like that, but I at least tried everything I could to get him to stop before I left.

    I would advise to you think long and hard about whether or not you want to live the rest of your life like this. Trust me, it's not an easy decision to make, and I'll be the first to admit that I stayed in a bad situation way longer than I should have, but it's something you really need to think about. You don't want to find yourself 5 years down the road a complete shell of the person you once were, feeling isolated from everyone around you, and completely miserable because the person you love so much has this problem that neither you nor he can control.
     
  12. Cehrabehra
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    by Cehrabehra » Oct 31, 2008
    my 3 cents:

    1c: His ultimatum is that alcohol is more important for him to keep in his life than you are.
    2c: The "bad" part of the drunkenness only gets worse. Think ahead to when the resentment sets in and how ugly it could get.
    3c: Don''t settle for less than you deserve.
     
  13. meresal
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    by meresal » Oct 31, 2008
    I really don't think he has a drinking problem. If he was an alcoholic, then I think he would have continued to drink no matter the medication. I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm guessing young 20's. My FI is 26, goes to the bar one of two nights a week with his buddies, and always invites me along. Sometimes I go, sometimes I stay home. He's 26, isn't married, and has no children. He works hard and if he wants to go watch a game and have some beer, I don't see a problem. Does your BF have a job now? If not, then he is still considered a student/kid and going out at night and having fun is what MANY of my friends did leading up to starting their new/first "real" job.

    Anyway, I think this is a respect issue. He's not respecting you. Also, do you control the remote when your shows are on? If so, then he would feel the need to control the remote when his shows are on. There could be alot of respect missing from both sides. You also have to respect that he is a grown person. He probably doesn't like feeling controlled.

    ETA: The ultimatum isn't much of an ultimatum? He SAID he isn't giving up drinking. Sounds more like his answer to an ultimatum that you might have given him.
     
  14. NovemberBride
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    by NovemberBride » Oct 31, 2008
    First, I do not think that your BF is an alcoholic just from your post. Perhaps there is more you are not telling us, but just because someone has more than 1-2 drinks in a sitting does not make them an alcoholic. I feel like a lot of times on these boards posters want to label someone an alcoholic just because they like to enjoy a few adult beverages on occasion, which is just not true. DH and I are in our late 20s, we both come from European families and also have a group of friends that like to drink socially. We often attend dinner parties where we will each have several drinks (4-5) or meet friends at a bar. We even drink shots on occasion. We certainly don''t drink every day, nor do we feel a compelling need to drink. Like your BF suggested, do I sometimes have a glass of wine or a beer after a hard day at work to de-stress? You bet I do. Do I need to have that glass of wine in order to get by? No, of course not, and there are plenty of stressful days I opt for a bowl of ice cream instead:) But it would also be annoying if my DH told me not to have a glass of wine just because he didn''t want me to drink. My drinking does not negatively affect my marriage, job, family or life in general, which to me are the signs that it is a problem.

    That said, alcoholism is a serious issue and is alcohol is causing a problem in your relationship, you need to deal with it. However, just because you don''t like to drink and he does, does not make him an alcoholic or mean that he is the one with a problem. It just means you have different perspectives on alcohol use, both of which are perfectly valid. If you want to make a life choice not to drink and don''t want to be with someone who chooses to drink, you and BF need to decide if you are compatible in the long-term. I would not choose alcohol over my DH, but he would also not ask me to do so.

    Do I think its unreasonable for you to set rules for him such as when he has to brush his teeth? Yes, I do. He is your BF, not your child. It doesn''t really matter if that''s your one rule, IMHO making those kinds of rules for your adult significant other is not really appropriate.

    I think the real issue here is communication and understanding.It sounds like what you two really need to do is sit down (not when you are drinking) and have a discussion about both of your expectations and ideas about your relationship.
     
  15. princesss
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    by princesss » Oct 31, 2008
    NovemberBride, I don''t know if I''m one of the people you''re talking about, but I don''t just like to say people are alcoholics just because they have more than a few drinks. But when the OP says "BF drinks maybe once or twice a week, although he does drink more on the heavy end when he does," it''s cause for concern. When she says he passes out instead of falls asleep, it''s cause for concern.

    Several of my family members are alcoholics, my BF''s father is a recovering alcoholic, and several of my friends are recovering alcoholics. From my experience seeing alcoholism and talking to alcoholics about it, the inability or lack of desire to stop when it is causing problems is a big deal. It''s not having a few drinks a few times a week. It''s choosing it over other things. And yes, many alcoholics are able to pick their health over alcohol, but generally only when the side effects of drinking are MUCH WORSE than not drinking at all.
    It concerns me that the OP''s SO said point blank that he would stop, and that his "concession" was to not be a jerk. It wasn''t to limit how much he drank (when I was concerned about BF''s drinking patterns, he agreed to limit how much he drank at parties, and to explain why he wanted a drink if I was concerned so that he would become aware of why he was drinking to see if he was starting to use it as a catch-all problem solver), it wasn''t to try to see it from her side, as a concerned GF, it was to say, "No. I''m not stopping."

    Now, we''re only seeing this from OP''s perspective, and it''s possible she''s exaggerating because she''s upset. But if she can''t have a conversation about alcohol without shutting down, that is a bad place to be starting. The key is to cut off dangerous behaviour and learn responsible alcohol use.
     
  16. laurel25
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    by laurel25 » Oct 31, 2008
    The thing is though she said that he drinks to the point of passing out and that he can''t give up drinking like that right now because he''s about to start a high-stress job - implying that he needs the stress relief that the alcohol provides in order to cope. Those two things strongly point to issues with alcohol. Trust me, I have no problem with drinking, I have a glass of wine or a beer after work once a week or so, we go out and drink socially with family friends regularly. BUT whenever alcohol starts to impact your life/work/relationship, which it is here, then the situation needs to be critically examined. Just my opinion though - I''ve lived firsthand through something like this and seen how quickly it can escalate from just drinking too much/fighting/passingout to violence. And it''s VERY scary.
     
  17. movie zombie
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    by movie zombie » Oct 31, 2008
    this sums up what some of the others have stated....and i totally agree. if you''re going to be with this guy, this is your life and it will get worse. only an alcoholic will cease on an issue to continue to drink and if he''s berating you for your admittedly over controlling nature [me too], then that''s not going to change.

    words i read and carry around with me: before you try and change someone else, remember how hard it is to change yourself.

    if he''s stated he''s not going to quit, then you need to quit him and find a guy that appreciates you and is compatible with you. he certainly isn''t.

    he''s responsible for his choices and decisions.....and he''s made his. you are responsible for your choices and decisions. you know this is a problem. don''t compound it by marrying him.

    movie zombie
     
  18. dragonfly411
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    by dragonfly411 » Oct 31, 2008
    OP - I''m sorry, but ultimatums aren''t ok first of all. Relationships are about compromise. I wouldn''t ask him to stop drinking, but he does need to slow it down and if he can''t work to make your relationship better then he isn''t worth it. It sounds like your relationship has a lot of underlying issues IE - you don''t like his competitive streak, he doesn''t like your mom, you don''t like him not minding his hygiene, he doesn''t like you being controlling, you don''t like alcohol, he does.... a bit too much. Do you see my point here???
     
  19. bee*
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    by bee* » Oct 31, 2008
    Totally agree with Meresal. I really don''t think that he has a drinking problem. He just enjoys going out and having a few beers. D and his mates go out once/twice a week and like Meresal, I go some weeks and others I pass. They have roughly four pints over about five hours and then they all come home. It really doesn''t bother me and I would never ask him to give it up, the same way that he would never say to me to stop having a few drinks. It does seem to be more about respect that''s missing.
     
  20. Bia
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    by Bia » Oct 31, 2008
    Whether or not he''s an alcoholic (he may be borderline, on his way--think seriously about that), you have to decide if this behavior is something you can live with or if its a deal breaker (unless he is willing to quit). For me it would be a deal breaker because I am not a big drinker--we both drink socially (twice a month maybe?) but rarely ever does either of us get drunk. Someone who drank excessively, on a very regular basis would be someone I couldn''t be in a relationship with (not because its good or bad, but because its not me).

    Also, it seems as though you both have lost a little bit of respect for one another. Respect in a relationship is MAJOR--once its gone, nothing''s left.

    So again, IMO, ask yourself if a lifetime of this is something you can accept...because it if isn''t, episodes like this are only going to continue and probably escalate.

    Good luck.
     
  21. Haven
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    by Haven » Oct 31, 2008
    OP--I''m sorry you''re going through this, it must be very stressful.

    I don''t know whether your SO is an alcoholic because I''m neither a professional trained to diagnosis alcoholism, nor have I ever been close to anyone with alcoholism. But IMO, it doesn''t really matter at the moment whether he is an alcoholic or not. What matters is that he is mistreating you, and engaging in behavior that is detrimental to your relationship.

    My guess is that you are being "controlling" because you''re trying to make a relationship work with a person whose behavior, and thus, values don''t align with your own. If you don''t want to be with someone who drinks heavily and passes out without caring for his teeth, then you need to discuss that with your SO. If he doesn''t care that these things are deal-breakers for you, then he clearly values drinking and bad breath over you and your relationship.

    I don''t know about you, but this would be a big red flag that this person is not concerned enough about me or about our relationship. My ultimatum would be: grow up, or get out.

    And just to comment on the whole drinking thing--I think there''s a big difference between enjoying some drinks and socializing while doing so, and drinking enough to alter your personality in a negative manner. It sounds like your SO is the latter, and that''s why I think this is a real problem. I also don''t think you''re being controlling.

    Good luck.
     
  22. panda08
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by panda08 » Oct 31, 2008
    He may not have a drinking problem but you have a problem with his drinking.

    Only you know in your heart of hearts what''s best for you and what kind of change, if any, he is capable of, but just think about this. Do you think it''s healthy when you feel: (1) persistent resentment for being taken for granted; (2) "crazy" because he''s being "competitive" by not letting you have the remote or cancelling your shows on the DVR and otherwise doing things you think are inconsiderate; (3) sad because he''s a total jerk when he drinks, which is at least once or twice a week; and (4) isolated because you feel you cannot turn to your friends for support you need?

    I''m sorry you''re having a hard time and I hope you can find a solution that will make you happy. *hugs*
     
  23. matildawong
    Shiny_Rock

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    by matildawong » Nov 1, 2008
    Hi NeedSomeAdvice,

    As usual, a lot of good stuff has been posted. Mostly I think you have to look out for you, you know? If you decide you can live with his drinking then you are probably going to have to deal with some of the control issues that flare up on your end when things feel out of control. Like the teeth brushing, like someone said, probably isn''t going to happen. Even though you make this concession on the big one (drinking). Those control things can drive you crazy. (Take it from me!) [​IMG]

    Anyway, hang in there and be sure to take care of you!
     
  24. phoenixgirl
    Ideal_Rock

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    by phoenixgirl » Nov 1, 2008
    What stood out to me most was the story about you two being sick one after the other. It sounds as if even when he''s not knowingly disregarding your wishes, he''s not being considerate of you. He let you take care of him, but then he didn''t think to take care of you.

    And the brushing the teeth thing is just another instance of him putting himself first. Because you''re right--brushing your teeth is such a little thing, that if he can make that change to make you happy, shouldn''t he? You''re not asking him to do anything ridiculous; in fact, it''s good for him.

    My advice, honestly, is to think long and hard about this relationship. It''s not about tooth-brushing, really, or even about drinking, IMO, although some posters disagree with that. It''s now about what you''re butting heads about, because if it''s not these details, it will be others. It''s about the tug of war that is going on. You make a legitimate request. He makes a big show of giving you an "ultimatum" stating no he will not do what you ask! So you make a much simpler request. He still refuses. He erases your tv shows without feeling bad.

    I''m sure he is a nice man, but don''t you want to be with someone who wants you to see the shows you set up to record? Who wants to take care of you when you are sick? Who takes your concerns about something serious like alcohol seriously?

    I''m not sure if I''ve been making my point clearly. It''s this:

    You can change the what''s of your relationship: tooth-brushing, frequency and quantity of drinking, etc. But you can''t change how your BF views himself or how he views you. And currently, it sounds to me like he doesn''t know how to give, only how to take. And that''s something you can''t change just by asking.
     
  25. simplysplendid
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by simplysplendid » Nov 1, 2008
    Hi,

    I think you are not being realistic by expecting someone who is drunk to behave in his normal, rational self. So if you accept the drinking but expects him to be nice, no crap and to brush his teeth is as good as not being able to accept his drinking, know what I mean?

    To me, if my SO drinks till he is drunk regularly, I will be upset due to health or safety reasons. My dad was a regular drinker who doesn''t get drunk, just tipsy and finally liver problems got him. So to me, I find it a little hard to understand why you will accept the potential health issues (he might even turn alcoholic, it sounds like just a little more to go and he might cross the line to being an alcoholic) but just cannot accept the teeth brushing.
     
  26. lovegem
    Shiny_Rock

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    by lovegem » Nov 1, 2008
    I agree with other posters that your BF has lots of potential to be an alcoholic. Although he isn''t at the moment, he enjoys being drunk is a red flag. I would think that any hardship in his life could easily turn him into a real alcoholic. All other hygienic issues would be ever so small when compared to living with an alcoholic.
     
  27. Babyblue033
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by Babyblue033 » Nov 1, 2008
    I''m going to be the unpopular here, but as a girl who enjoys drinking, whether it''s a glass of wine or five, one day a week or four, I have to be honest and say I can somewhat see where he''s coming from. I know I know, don''t stone me [​IMG] I think only you know whether or not his drinking truly is a problem, and if that''s the case then you can ignore the rest of my post. But if my FI "demanded" that I quit drinking, when I''m being responsible and not doing it excessively, then I think I''d be upset as well. I''m an adult and do not need someone treating me like a child, telling me I cannot do something I obviously enjoy "just because". And getting mad because he doesn''t brush his teeth before bed, ESPECIALLY when he''s drunk, is definitely treating him like a child IMHO and not exactly reasonable.

    Think about what is really bothering you about him drinking, and sit down with him and talk about it rationally. He might be being stubborn about it because he feels you''re trying to make him give up his drinking unreasonably, not exactly a mature reaction obviously but something I can certainly relate to [​IMG]
     
  28. movie zombie
    Super_Ideal_Rock

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    by movie zombie » Nov 2, 2008
    Baby, anothe prior post brought this up as well: there is an obvious disconnet between the two and perhaps even their expectations. and that''s actually ok. either she excepts him as he is or she doesn''t. personally, i''ve been known to drink a bit.....but i''d bail out of this relationship.

    movie zombie
     
  29. HollyS
    Ideal_Rock

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    by HollyS » Nov 3, 2008
    My .02:

    l) You are not being unreasonable about anything, at least according to your post.

    2) In his mind, you are being controlling, and he''s rebelling because of it.

    3) You both have boundaries that the other has crossed; he''s been critical and you''ve been critical. His criticisms are knee- jerk reactions, under the influence of the inhibition-reducing effects of alcohol. You are not just hearing him say things because he is drinking, you are hearing them because he really does think/feel this way.

    4) Currently, this is not a healthy relationship. He is ''acting up'' deliberately; probably because he is not feeling respect from you. For whatever reason. There is something else going on here, and only the two of you can get to the bottom of it. You have to ask yourself, "do I even want to"? That thought has crossed your mind, hasn''t it?
     
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