Need advice on dealing with alcoholism

[ladypirate]

Hi all.

I have had a very long week. On Monday I got a call from my best friend's grandmother (who is really like her mother for all intents and purposes) telling me that said friend (I'll call her A) is an alcoholic and had been drinking heavily for the last 5 days straight and was sick and freaking out. She was coming down from Seattle (a 4-5 hour drive) but wondered if I could go and stay with her in the meantime. I was completely floored. I went and stayed with her all day. Her grandmother arrived that evening and we elected to take her into the ER after she started having the shakes and we were in the ER all night.

It turned out this is the second time in 6 weeks she's been in the ER with withdrawal symptoms (the last time being when her grandmother found out about this). It's only now coming out how bad this is. She had to withdraw from her law school classes last semester (her last semester of law school) but none of us had any idea it was because she was drinking. She told us she had migraines, burnt out, etc. This last time it came out that she had had a 5th of vodka and 8 bottles of wine over 4 days (after not drinking at all since the last time...I guess she had been drinking heavily several times a week regularly prior to that). She says that she's been drinking because she's unhappy.

She's agreed to enter an intensive outpatient treatment program for alcoholism that begins this week and her grandmother and I will be attending once a week as family as well. We went today to meet with one of the place's counselors and she was very helpful but after meeting with her told us that A is in serious denial about a lot of things (she had a pretty rough childhood) and that this is going to take a lot of work. I'm really proud of her for doing this--it takes a lot of courage to admit you have a problem. I'm still just somehow in shock or something.

I am so floored by all of this. I feel like I should have figured it out or something, but I had no idea. I love her so much and I am doing everything I possibly can, but I still feel so helpless. Has anyone gone through this? I would love some advice about the best way to help her. It just saddens me so much that she was hurting so much and hurting herself so much. I told her that if she needed someone to attend AA meetings with her or something I'd go, but I don't know if that's how it works. Does anyone know?

Thank you for reading this--I am just emotionally exhausted after the last few days. I'm just so glad we moved up here last month...I'm sure I would feel more helpless if I was still 1000 miles away.

 

[somethingshiny]

LP~ I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm very glad it's out in the open for the sake of your friend.

First off, there are meetings for family and friends of alcoholics. You could look into one in your area. They can help you cope with what's happening and offer you ongoing advice and support.

Secondly, we all know the first step is admitting you have a problem. I hope your friend has acknowledged her addiction, but if she's just saying she'll go into treatment because she feels pressured, it will do her no good.

The best advice I can give you from a lifetime with alcoholics is this: You can't change their actions, only your REactions. Don't take anything personal. Give her second chance after second chance after second chance (if this is a friendship you really want to maintain). Let her know you're there for her, but realize she may not want you there. She may be embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, or think you couldn't possibly understand. I personally have never known an alcoholic who stopped without professional help. Urge her to get that help. But, realize, if she's not ready, you can't talk her into it (at least not in a permanent way).

Good Luck to you all!


eta- as far as the meeting question:
Meetings

Anyone is allowed to attend "open" AA meetings, while "closed" meetings are reserved to those who have a desire to stop drinking. [19] There are groups restricted to men or women, groups angled at gay people, and groups for speakers of minority languages. Most AA meetings begin with socializing. Formats vary between meetings, for example, a beginner's meeting might include a talk by a long-time sober member about his or her personal experience of drinking, coming to AA and what was learned there of sobriety. A group discussion on topics related to alcoholism and the AA program might follow.[20]

In a standard meeting, the chairperson starts by calling the meeting to order and offering a short prayer, meditation, and/or period of silence. Then, a section from "The Big Book" may be read aloud, typically the beginning of Chapter Five, entitled "How It Works". Announcements from the leader and/or group members follow. Many groups celebrate newcomers, visitors, and sobriety anniversaries with rounds of applause. Following the announcements, donations are collected, usually by passing a basket around the room. Depending on the type of meeting, there follows either a talk by a speaker relating their personal experience with alcoholism and AA or a discussion session with topics chosen by the chairperson, the speaker, and/or the attendees.[21] A hallmark of these types of AA meeting is the "no crosstalk" rule, whereby responding to another member's comments is discouraged. After the discussion period, appreciation may be expressed to the speaker and the meeting is ended with a prayer, usually the Serenity Prayer or often in the US, the Lord's Prayer. These ending prayers are often undertaken by the entire group forming a circle and holding hands. More socializing typically follows the formal meeting, and it is common for members to gather at nearby coffee shops. Other meeting formats also exist where specific AA related topics are discussed in more detail. A common example is a Step Study meeting where one or more of the 12 steps are discussed at length.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am so sorry Lady. Addicts are good liars. Period. Do not feel bad that you didn''t know. Even if you did there is nothing you could do until she hit rock bottom *and* was ready to get help. I think the best thing you can do is be her friend. Recovery brings up lots of feelings so knowing that you love her and will always be there to listen would mean the world. I''ve been through this with someone very close. I know how difficult it is for everyone. Stay strong. (((hugs)))

 

[littlelysser]

Hey pirate - I''m so sorry you are going through this with your friend. My only advice would be to check out the local alanon meetings.

They are a support group for family members of alcoholics.

One of my best friend''s grew up with an alcoholic mother, father, and older brother...Alanon was her saving grace.

 

[2Artists]

Ladypirate I am so sorry that you are going through this you must be feeling pretty darn drained right about now. Take tender care of yourself so you can keep going. You are worth it.

I come from a family line with a massive history of alcoholism on both sides of my family tree with a bunch of other neurological garbage thrown in for good measure as well. An artists pedigree.

I am so proud of my parents who both broke the cycle and were not drinkers. They never drank at all after what they saw and had to deal with growing up.

I know myself and my personality and know that I was someone who should stay far far away from alcohol and other substances as well. So I also have stayed far far far away from alcohol and known to never ever take a drink as well due to my personality genetics etc.

My Mom went to meetings for family of alcoholics and took me to a some as well to help me better understand. The alcoholic in her family had gone to AA meetings but died young before fully pulling their life together. We also did counseling and so on to try to help heal our family.

My family still had to contend with the strongly inherited neurological issues and biochemical imbalances that I believe in large part led to the alcoholism and self medicating in the first place.

I know I mentioned this in a another thread on depression but my family has had huge luck with the Radiant Recovery program where nothing else has seemed to work as well.

My family has worked with Kathleen DesMaisons, Ph.D. she works with people who have addictions, depression, mental illness, learning issues like ADHD eating disorders and on and on.

Basically she deals with messed up biochemistry using a "medical and holistic approach". They have a center in Albuquerque where they work outpatient and they do 12 step etc. My family members who do the program don''t live there so living there is not a must.

On www.radiantrecovery.com there is an online community with members all over the world. It is a cool supportive place like PS with people who will hold ones hand every single step of the way in their healing. Is about not just stopping the addiction but living the radiant life you were meant to live. She will also work individually with people as well.

She wrote the book "Potatoes not Prozac". A title which I admit I made a lot of fun of (in my head) before seeing the results it had on my family members.

Kathleen gets amazing unparalleled results with helping alcoholics and other addicts safely detox and actually stay sober. She is like a miracle worker. I would not believe it if I had not seen it. I have a family member who helps people in the program.

This is to be done in addition to any medication therapy or whatever is needed as necessary.

I can not highly recommend her enough. I recommend getting on the website and reading the book. There will be many people to help every single step of the way.

On the website on the upper left side there is a button that says alcoholism click there for more info.

Sending hugs and prayers


Mrs.Artists

 

[matildawong]

Hi Ladypirate. I just wanted to add my support. I think it''s wonderful you and your friend''s grandmother will be attending the family meetings for the outpatient program.

I am an alcoholic in recovery and I went through an intensive outpatient program. I hope I don''t seem like I''m trying to make this about me by telling you (and everyone else here), but I thought I should offer to help if you have any questions about the process or about AA or just alcoholism in general.

 

[diamondfan]

It is hard to know someone you love has been suffering. She will only get help if she truly decides that this is what she wants. You can love and support her during this time, and let her know you are there for her, but she must want this for herself. I hope she can be strong and get the help she needs.

 

[Pandora II]

The only advice I can offer is to make sure you look after yourself and make good use of Al-Anon and other help.

I dated an alcoholic for 7 years and he remained in denial till the day he died (suicide).

It can be immensely draining and hardwork. I wish you and your friend the best of luck.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I have a number of alcoholics in the family, now either dead or no longer drinking and it is very hard.

Remember, she is only going to stop when she is ready and NOTHING you can do will make her ready. I know how much guilt goes with those who love alcoholics that it is somehow your fault, but it never is and you just need to give your love and support.

If she does take the program seriously, the only practical advice I can offer is to go through the whole house and check for hidden stashes of alcohol so if she has a weak moment, it isn''t there. Many are hidden gvery well, I had one relative who hid it in the ceiling of the house.

I am sorry, I know this is SO hard. Just know if she wants to change she will and things really will be so much better

 

[ChinaCat]

I also recommend getting to an Al-Anon meeting for yourself. Not only is it a great support system for you, but it will help answer your questions about what you should do and what to expect.

Also, you will probably go through some extreme emotions yourself- from utter helplessness to sadness to rage. It''s okay, it''s normal. But like all the other posters have said, it''s their disease and their decision. Be there for her, but realize you have to have limits for yourself.

In good news, I know so many recovering alcoholics living happy and productive lives. They just have to want it for themselves. It is totally possible!

Big hugs to you. You sound like an amazing friend, she is lucky to have you.

 

[ladypirate]

Thank you so much for all the responses--this is certainly an emotional time for me and I appreciate all the support.

Just to make it clear, I believe she is going into the program because she wants to be clean and sober. I think over the past week she has come a long way in acknowledging that this is a very serious problem. She''s also getting better about letting people know, which I think is a big part of admitting the problem. She is going to her first meeting of the ten week program tomorrow night and while she has said she is very nervous about it, I think she is committed to it as well. She''ll be spending the weekend with me (bf will be out of town for work) and I am really looking forward to it.

Monday evenings are the family sessions so her grandmother and I will be attending. It sounds like they provide some of the same support as Al-Anon, but I will have more of an idea after that.

Something Shiny, thank you for letting me know how the meetings work. I guess the treatment program asks them to go to 2 twelve step programs a week in conjunction with treatment, so she''ll be doing both. I really do think she wants to do this--she is embarrassed and scared, but she is doing this of her own accord.

Tacori, thanks for the hugs. I appreciate it. I''m sorry you went through this--it''s very difficult.

Littlelysser, thank you. I will check out the local al-anon meetings.

2Artists, I will mention that book to her, although I think a lot of her issues are emotional rather than biochemical. Thank you for telling me about the website--she is very into online communities, so I will mention that to her as a possibility.

MatildaWong, thank you for sharing your experience. I may have more questions after I attend the first family meeting on Monday and I appreciate you offering your support and advice.

Thank you, diamondfan. I hope she can, too.

Pandora, thank you. I''m so sorry about your friend.

Brazen, thanks for replying. We went through her apartment this week and will continue if needed. She voluntarily gave up the only alcohol still in the house before we found it, so hopefully that''s a good sign. The program will also be doing urinalysis checks at random that can test for a couple of weeks prior. They told her that if she continues drinking the next step would be a residential program, but I hope that won''t be necessary.

ChinaCat, thank you for the advice and hopeful words.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Lady, stay strong. That''s what your friend really needs right now. Also I think it is *okay* for you to feel sad, disappointed, scared, angry, etc...in my experience addicts play victims and forget how the rest of us feel (at first anyways). Takes awhile to rebuild trust.

 

[777_LDY]

You have cerainly gotten some very sound advise. The only thing that I can add is that you may want to prepare for *if* she has a relapse.

It sounds as if she may be somewhat of a binge drinker, which can be especially difficult to recover from because there are times of sobriety in between. A binge drinker may not feel as if they had a problem to begin with after staying sober for a period of time. It is typical for someone to think that an alcoholic needs a drink every single day to be an alcoholic, and that is not the case of a binge drinker. They start thinking that they were indeed drinking because of all the reasons that they were unhappy, even if while in the program they had acknowledge that they indeed have a drinking problem. It''s very sad, but it is very common with that type of pattern.

I would look into inpatient programs in your area that accept her insurance if she has any. Find out the wait times, if she must be sober, or if they have a detox program that she could go into first. Many rehabs will take the patient into detox then immediately put them into a sober living house with intensive programs. I hope it wouldn''t come to that, but it is good to just be informed and have a plan. Hospitals can only do so much and then they will just release you.

She will definitely need a sponsor and that is something that she will have to ask for on her own.

Al-Anon is probably your best resource, regardless if you will be attending family nights. It will teach you to stay strong and level headed on a very rocky path. It will also teach you how to not tolerate certain behaviors. It is hard to imagine that someone we know and love can also lie and manipulate. When someone is sick and we love them we will do everything to help them and we do tend to look past mistakes. But that can be the worst thing for an alcoholic because you learn to enable and then they can''t learn to take responsibility for their actions. Al-Anon will help you cope.

I''m very sorry that you are all going through this.

 

[LaraOnline]

I am going to say, firstly, that I have not dealt with alcoholism in my personal life.
I am wondering... would it be worth considering other counselling services in addition to AA?
There are some great self-help courses around...Landmark is an organisation that runs intensive three-day courses that help people turn their lives around. It is not specifically equipped for alcoholism, but could possibly work in conjunction with AA.

I think your friend is very lucky to have you, and that she should avail herself of as many support systems as possible. Landmark, or perhaps other similar courses that I personally don''t know of, may help her address the issues of her perceived unahappiness, that is tied up with her drinking history.

all the best to you and your friend.

http://www.landmarkeducation.com/

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 8/22/2008 10:28:14 PM
Author: LaraOnline
I am going to say, firstly, that I have not dealt with alcoholism in my personal life.

I am wondering... would it be worth considering other counselling services in addition to AA?

There are some great self-help courses around...Landmark is an organisation that runs intensive three-day courses that help people turn their lives around. It is not specifically equipped for alcoholism, but could possibly work in conjunction with AA.


I think your friend is very lucky to have you, and that she should avail herself of as many support systems as possible. Landmark, or perhaps other similar courses that I personally don''t know of, may help her address the issues of her perceived unahappiness, that is tied up with her drinking history.


all the best to you and your friend.


http://www.landmarkeducation.com/

I haven''t heard of landmark, but she will be going to individual counseling in conjunction with her program and AA. She''s having her first session tonight and coming over here afterwards for our girl''s weekend--I''m nervous for her, but I''m sure she''s doing great.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

They will do extensive counseling in rehab (try to figure out her triggers and why she needs to "escape" her life). Then I think she has to do 30 meetings in 30 days (or maybe it is 45...) so she will (if she is willing and ready) get help to change her life.

I agree she is lucky to have you. So many people would freak out and isolate her.

 

[ladypirate]

She had her meeting last night and it went really well. As I mentioned, she''s staying with me this weekend and we''re going to go to an AA meeting on Sunday.

Thank you so much, everyone, for all your support. PS is a wonderful, wonderful place.

 

[matildawong]

Hi LadyPirate,

I''m so glad her meeting went so well. When you go to the AA meeting, they usually do a rundown at the beginning, asking if anyone is visiting from out of town or "Anyone here for the first time?" ...if someone gestures or looks at you, or you feel compelled to answer, you can always say something like this is your first meeting and you are there supporting a friend.

I only mention it because I remember wondering (pre-recovery when I went with a friend) what I was supposed to say or if I was supposed to say anything. And I''ve seen similar situations -- newcomers and their supporters not quite sure how to answer. You totally DON''T have to say anything, too.

I must sound really neurotic! But I don''t want you to feel "on the spot" and just wanted to give you a heads up.

Hope the weekend is going well for you both.

 

[ladypirate]

Thank you Matilda--we went to the AA meeting Sunday evening and it was good. They were really welcoming to her. Last night was the family meeting at her treatment program, which was good.

I''m finding that I''m experiencing a lot of feelings of anger that I''m trying to deal with right now. I''m also feeling guilty, not so much because I think I should have been able to stop her from drinking, but because I do drink and don''t have problems with it. I almost feel guilty that I''m not the one dealing with it or something. And I''m mad because I''m worried that while she''s dealing with this stuff, she keeps minimizing it like it''s not a big deal when it really really is. I think I''m going to go check out an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow.

Thanks again for all the support--I haven''t been able to be on PS as much since I''ve been dealing with this, but I really do appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. I''m going out with some other friends for dinner tonight, which will be good. I''m looking forward to, in a way, having some time off from dealing with this. And I feel a little guilty about that too...I definitely think Al-Anon is a good plan.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

lady, what you are feeling is totally normal! Take care of yourself. I promise it does get easier. (((hugs)))

 

[somethingshiny]

LP~ When dealing with addiction of a loved one, you''ll go through a huge range of emotions. It''s all normal. It''s quite a unique experience. I''m glad you''re going to hang out with some other friends, it becomes very monotonous and emotionally charged when you can''t just take a break from dealing with it.

You are a special person to stand by your friend! Remember to keep time for yourself so you don''t feel like you''re drowning, though.

 

[ladypirate]

Thanks Tacori and SomthingShiny! I''m feeling a lot better today after having some decompression time. I think it was just starting to get to me after dealing with it for 8 days in a row.