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My Twin Brother or my Best Friend? WWYD?

Pick my brother or my best friend?

  • Don''t invite your best friend, blood is thicker than water

    Votes: 1 100.0%

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Hera

Ideal_Rock
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A little background: My twin brother has been broken up from a past girlfriend for about seven years. Her and I became really good friends since then and now we are best friends. Every holiday and special event he has said he will not go if she goes, but am now questioning if I can go the rest of my life excluding her from all of my special events, especially considering I may ask her to be a godmother to my (future) children.

So, my housewarming is coming up and he has said he will not come over if she is there. I really don't know what I should do. She says she has no problem with my brother being there and would like to attend.
So what are your thoughts?
 

LaraOnline

Ideal_Rock
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Feb 24, 2008
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Who is the better friend? Your brother, or your friend? Who do you think behaved ''the worst'' in the break-up? How long were they together? Was it serious, or just a childish ''fling''? Is there any fall-out from having her rub along? For example, is your bro a serious type of guy who is worried about upsetting his future wife? Has your brother always been upset about your friendship with his ex, or has it just started to become a problem?

I voted for the girlfriend to come to your party, but I can see why your bro doesn''t want an ex around. My sister was always one for befriending ex boyfriends the minute I dropped them! Talk about irritating!!!!!!!!!! Something I would never have done to her.
But in this case, it seems the cat is out of the bag. You are established friends, to the point where you want her to be the Godmother to your child. Presumably, you will want her to attend your wedding, etc etc.

Maybe it''s time for your brother (and his possible gf) to suck it up and get over it, seeing as the friendship has been firmly established. It doesn''t sound like you''re interested in cutting ties with the girl, and to be honest, it sounds a little late!
 

Hera

Ideal_Rock
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Date: 4/18/2009 1:54:31 AM
Author: LaraOnline
Who is the better friend? Your brother, or your friend? Who do you think behaved 'the worst' in the break-up? How long were they together? Was it serious, or just a childish 'fling'? Is there any fall-out from having her rub along? For example, is your bro a serious type of guy who is worried about upsetting his future wife? Has your brother always been upset about your friendship with his ex, or has it just started to become a problem?


I voted for the girlfriend to come to your party, but I can see why your bro doesn't want an ex around. My sister was always one for befriending ex boyfriends the minute I dropped them! Talk about irritating!!!!!!!!!! Something I would never have done to her.

But in this case, it seems the cat is out of the bag. You are established friends, to the point where you want her to be the Godmother to your child. Presumably, you will want her to attend your wedding, etc etc.


Maybe it's time for your brother (and his possible gf) to suck it up and get over it, seeing as the friendship has been firmly established. It doesn't sound like you're interested in cutting ties with the girl, and to be honest, it sounds a little late!
Hard to equate in terms of friends, I love them both. It was a mutual breakup and come to think of it, it has been 10 years since they technically broke up(she dropped out from being a bridesmaid for my wedding ten years ago because he asked her to). It was a relationship in his early twenties when they lived together in my mom's house, it lasted 5 years. They had a "friends with benefits thing" a while back but that's been completely over for years. He's never been really angry about my hanging out with her, he just never understands why I would hang out with her. He thinks she's mentally unstable etc. But that's why they're broken up, right?
The whole thing is messy. He even hangs out with one of my exes from 10 years ago, but I don't care. I certainly wouldn't let that come from my attending an important function, but that's me. He's had a girlfriend for a few years but I'm not sure if that's what's really behind this. I ask him but he never gives me an answer. My best friend called him one time over this issue but they got in a fight. That was quite a while back though.
 

Kaleigh

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Messages
29,570
It's been seven years.... Like how much more time does he need to let this go? I'd invite her, she's your best friend, and your twin will have to deal with it.. I know that sounds harsh, but 7 years has passed, enough already..
It would be great if he could come to terms with this. But am guessing it's all or nothing.. That's a shame. You maintianied a friendship, a very close frienship... That shouldn't be a problem...
 

Sabine

Ideal_Rock
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Aug 16, 2007
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3,446
I would invite both of them, and tell your brother that it''s time he got over it because she is a part of your life as well. I would tell him that I would hope he would be mature and still come, but if he chooses not to take part in your special events because of her, that is his decision.
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
I would flat out tell him that you''ve made sacrafices to appease him in the past, including not having her as a bridesmaid...you''re done doing that, and hope that he can be mature enough to accept that.

Enough is enough. It''s been 7+ years since they were involved and your brother should be totally moved on and able to accept that life goes on, including friendships.
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
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Jun 15, 2006
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7,485
In my late teens/early twenties I spent four years dating a guy my sister went out with first. They date very casually for about a month (hung out at parties, went out once or twice, figured out they weren't a match and went their seperate ways) before I met him. They had lots of mutual friends and after they decided not to persue the relationship they went their seperate ways but saw one another frequently. She introduced us at a party and it was instant fireworks. At first she thought she was okay with it, but after a week or two she figured out how uncomfortable it made her. She was very adult about it, took me out for coffee and asked me to please not date him as it was way too awkward for her. I chose him. It was devestating to her and totally changed our relationship. She would not come to our parents' house if he was there, she wouldn't talk to me, she couldn't look me in the eye, my parents felt torn and stuck in the middle. It was an awful situation and now, looking back, I wish I had been big enough to honor her request. I am lucky that we were able to rebuild a friendship and are close now, but I do believe that it totally changed our relationship, in a negative way, forever. I don't think she'll ever forget that I picked him over her and neither will I. It's something I regret to this day.
 

dreamer_dachsie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
24,360
I think I would choose my best friend because after 7 years, and it being an "early life" relationship, he should be over it! But I don''t have any siblings so maybe I don''t understand that bond well enough.

If she cheated on him or beat him or something, THEN I could understand it, but he should be adult enough now to just grin and bear it at the few social occasions when they might come into contact.

On some level, this seems like he is trying to control you and her with his behaviour. Is he that type at all?
 

purrfectpear

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 31, 2008
Messages
4,079
I''d tell bro that I''ll miss him at the party


7 to 10 years is enough time to grow up.
 

Sha

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 27, 2007
Messages
2,329
I agree he needs to get over it. It''s been seven years already! Nobody''s asking him to talk-up to her at the party, or even acknowledge her. He just has to tolerate her presence. It''s unfair that this good friend of yours has to be constantly excluded from your gatherings just because of his persistent grudges/bad feelings towards her. He should understand that she''s important to you (regardless of how he feels about her) and just accept that fact that you want her to be a part of your life, instead of indirectly making you have to choose between the two of them.
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
Messages
12,170
Date: 4/18/2009 2:11:35 AM
Author: Kaleigh
It''s been seven years.... Like how much more time does he need to let this go? I''d invite her, she''s your best friend, and your twin will have to deal with it.. I know that sounds harsh, but 7 years has passed, enough already..
It would be great if he could come to terms with this. But am guessing it''s all or nothing.. That''s a shame. You maintianied a friendship, a very close frienship... That shouldn''t be a problem...
ditto. I think that your brother needs to get over it at this stage. It''s been years! I''d ask her to come.
 

Maisie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 30, 2006
Messages
12,578
Date: 4/18/2009 7:14:40 AM
Author: Sabine
I would invite both of them, and tell your brother that it''s time he got over it because she is a part of your life as well. I would tell him that I would hope he would be mature and still come, but if he chooses not to take part in your special events because of her, that is his decision.
Just what I was going to say
 

kama_s

Ideal_Rock
Premium
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Jul 12, 2008
Messages
3,617
Ditto PP, Neatfreak and Italia.

I''d invite BOTH, and when bro makes a fuss, I''d say ''I''ll miss you at the party, though I hope you might change your mind''.

At 35, he needs to start acting his age!
 

rainwood

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Mar 29, 2005
Messages
1,472
I voted to stick with the brother. It''s always hard to know what all happened in a relationship and why someone broke up, but I don''t think it''s hard to understand that it can be awkward to be around an ex, no matter how long ago the break-up was. And since it was a long-term relationship and they hooked up for some time even after the break-up, I wouldn''t be surprised if his current girlfriend prefers not to be around her. So I can see why he needs to stay away if she''s at an event.

And you are the one who created the dilemma for him by becoming best friends with her in the first place. You''re lucky he''s not mad about that. I would be if I were him. He''s your twin brother. That should count for a lot - a lot more than someone who''s just become your best friend in the last few years. If you need to choose, I vote for your twin brother.
 

swingirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 6, 2006
Messages
5,654
Invite whom ever you want. As adults they can make their own choice to come or not come. And I would not tell your brother whom has been invited and whom has RSVPed.
 

AmberGretchen

Ideal_Rock
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Jan 6, 2005
Messages
7,770
I think your brother is being extremely childish, holding a grudge after this long. I think you need to just be firm with him - tell him what a good friend she is to you, explain that you expect him to get over this and learn to behave like an adult, and go ahead and invite her. I think if you stand your ground firmly, he will come around. He doesn''t even have to really speak to her at events, but the mature, adult thing to do is to be civil and polite.
 

packrat

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Messages
10,615
I think he's being pretty childish too. I'd invite them both and he can either show up or not. It's his loss if he doesn't.

ETA: It's not very nice of him to put you in a spot where you feel you have to choose between them.
 

iheartscience

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Jan 1, 2007
Messages
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Date: 4/18/2009 10:21:26 AM
Author: purrfectpear
I''d tell bro that I''ll miss him at the party


7 to 10 years is enough time to grow up.
Ditto...I can''t imagine that your best friend could be so horrible that your brother still can''t stand to be in the same room with her after SEVEN YEARS. He needs to grow up...honestly, I think you should have put your foot down a while ago!
 

strmrdr

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
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Messages
23,295
You have already chosen the friend over your brother so make it official and invite her and tell him she is coming.
It wont hurt his feelings more than it already has.
Just remember whose fault it is if he don''t show up... yours.
 

April20

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 1, 2008
Messages
3,312
I think your brother is being selfish in forcing you to choose. It may be hard for him to see her, but he''s had more than enough time to figure himself out and at this point, I think he just needs to cowboy up and realize that from time to time, she''s going to be around. End of story.
 

Feralpenchant

Shiny_Rock
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Feb 12, 2009
Messages
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It might be hard, but I'd pick your best friend.

He is being immature, and you can't cater to that, or he'll never have any reason to work on this issue. It's not like they broke up yesterday.
 

Hera

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 12, 2007
Messages
2,401
Thanks so much for the replies! My inkling has always been that eventually I would put my foot down on this issue. I consider myself a very loyal person and don''t want my brother to think I have chosen a friend over him but I can''t really change what he thinks. Maybe he could also be a little considerate that I would want my best friend to be there at special occasions. It''s a little sad for me that he would rather skip this occasion than put up with coming across her. It''s not like this situation would make him sad or that he is mourning the relationship. I think he doesn''t want to see her because he has either gained weight or he doesn''t want to see her with another man. I don''t know for sure, but he''s not really the brooding type. He''s very happy to not be with her anymore!

Still, I''m pretty sensitive to how he views these kind of things. I stayed away from being friends with her after they broke up for years even though she maintained friends with our mother. It was about 5 years ago that we rekindled our relationship. He wasn''t angry about it and started handing out with my ex well before that.

It''s tough because we''re twins that our friendships get intermingled between us. We do have a tendency to become very good friends with our sibling''s SO. In fact, he''s best friends with my husband as well.

Decisions, decisions. I''m glad so many thought he should get over it , but I can be such a wimp when it comes to my brother.
 

iheartscience

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Messages
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Date: 4/18/2009 5:51:50 PM
Author: strmrdr
You have already chosen the friend over your brother so make it official and invite her and tell him she is coming.

It wont hurt his feelings more than it already has.

Just remember whose fault it is if he don''t show up... yours.
Wow! Did you actually read hera''s posts? She hasn''t had her best friend at ANY special occasions (including as a bridesmaid at her wedding) because of her twin brother. Your guilt trip is pretty ridiculous given the context that hera provided.
 

LaraOnline

Ideal_Rock
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I wouldn't want to hang around any ex, and I wouldn't want my 'real thing' hanging around with my ex. I also would not want to be my man's 'real thing' and have to chat to his ex in my ongoing family life. No one likes feeling that perhaps you are, or are eating, someone else's cold left-overs.

It all sounds really messy, she was living at your mum's house for years! And then they struck up another 'friendship'. I guess he's got to get over it, seeing as you have all cultivated the situation in your own ways...

And rainwood is right, it is really hard to know what has honestly happened in a relationship, sometimes the nicest people are actually real a***s.

I'm glad I'm not in the situation that either you or particularly your brother are in, tbh. It's probably a really common scenario. But that's the best thing about moving away from home town, early lives and biological family!
 

zoebartlett

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Date: 4/18/2009 2:11:35 AM
Author: Kaleigh
It''s been seven years.... Like how much more time does he need to let this go? I''d invite her, she''s your best friend, and your twin will have to deal with it.. I know that sounds harsh, but 7 years has passed, enough already..
It would be great if he could come to terms with this. But am guessing it''s all or nothing.. That''s a shame. You maintianied a friendship, a very close frienship... That shouldn''t be a problem...
I agree. Seven years is a LONG time to still be upset about seeing someone you''ve broken up with. I''d invite your friend, and as Kaleigh said, your brother can deal.
 

Diamond*Dana

Ideal_Rock
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7,194
Yeah, I have to agree that 7 years is a long time...your brother really needs to just get over this and learn to deal with it. I would just sit him down and talk it out. It is not fair that he expects you to chose between him and and your best friend. If your best friend is able to move past their past, he should try to do the same.
 

Rhea

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I always find situations like this odd. When we date and marry we expect our partners to fit in with and get along with our families. But when we break up with the long-term partner we expect to never them again no matter how well they fit into the family. It''s something that my husbands family is going through right now with the aunt and uncle. You said that you brother is best friends with your husband. If you and your husband broke up it''s perfectly possible that your husband and brother would go back to being friends after several years just as you have done with his ex-girlfriend.

If your brother doesn''t want to come because his ex-girlfriend is there he only has himself to blame. Seven years is a long time for him to lick his wounds or explain to a new girlfriend that his ex has remained close to his family and might be present at some events.
 

strmrdr

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Date: 4/18/2009 10:41:38 PM
Author: thing2of2
Date: 4/18/2009 5:51:50 PM

Author: strmrdr

You have already chosen the friend over your brother so make it official and invite her and tell him she is coming.


It wont hurt his feelings more than it already has.


Just remember whose fault it is if he don't show up... yours.

Wow! Did you actually read hera's posts? She hasn't had her best friend at ANY special occasions (including as a bridesmaid at her wedding) because of her twin brother. Your guilt trip is pretty ridiculous given the context that hera provided.
Any guy would see it this way....
Hanging out with her much less being best friends is a betrayal.
It is very clear he wants nothing to do with the ex.
Who would want to hang out with their EX?
 

icekid

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7,470
I would be more inclined to "choose" my brother.

Have you tried speaking to him about this matter? There may have been things going on behind the scenes that make things much more awkward than you would necessarily be privy to. What kind of gathering is this? Being in a group of 10 with an ex might be uncomfortable, 30 would make it easy enough to mostly avoid. Maybe talking with you about WHY he does not want to be around her would help you to a) convince him that he is being a bit silly or b) understand why he does not want to see her.

I''ve been split from my ex (whom I nearly married) for 7 years, and I can''t say I''d want to see him socially. Nor do I think it would be a good idea, for a number of reasons. I don''t think either of us need to be around each other''s spouses. Though we were clearly not right for each other, we will always have undeniable chemistry. I would not be comfortable being with him in a small group with my husband there. Out of respect, I would not want to be around his new wife either, given he essentially cheated on her with me 6 months after we broke up. eek. Way too weird.

I don''t personally think it''s as simple as "what a baby, tell him to get over it!"
 
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