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My sister needs advice...

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soocool

Ideal_Rock
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My sister is a lurker here on PS and is tormenting me until I ask you for your help. My SIL (my DH brother''s wife) has asked my sister to be her friend on Facebook. My SIL is not my friend on Facebook, because quite frankly I blocked her so she does not know I am on there. My sister thinks it would be impolite to just let her hang there and feels she should give her a reason.And she is freaking out about what to do


I said, she never sees or talks to you outside of my family events so just ignore it and she will forget about it.


It is not that I dislike my SIL, it is just that I many times (ok constantly) vent about my MIL or make MIL jokes on FB and don''t want her to know and go back to MIL with ammunition to dislike me more and her less.


So please tell my sis what she should do and she will probably listen to you before she listens to me anyway.

 

meresal

Ideal_Rock
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Wow, that's a far reach for a facebook friend... especially if they don't ever see eachother.

Is there any reason for your sister NOT to friend her? Even if she does become her friend, she won't be able to see what you write.
 

EricaR

Ideal_Rock
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That is always such a tough situation. I''ve made the mistake of having "toxic" people on my friends list before but I won''t anymore. Maybe your sister could click the "ignore" button next to the friend request then quickly block her so it will look like your sister''s profile is totally gone?
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
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5,184
What a weird request....

I guess I would suggest your sister just deny the friend request. If your SIL questions you about why she was denied, you can always say that your sister only uses FB for networking, not serious communication.

I personally think everyone should have their profiles blocked and visable to only friends...these social networking sites have such power to completely ruin your reputation, and seriously effect your life. But, I also think that no one should ever post information, stories or facts about themselves that they wouldn't want everyone or anyone to know. FB has the world a very, very small place...
 

soocool

Ideal_Rock
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Date: 4/14/2009 10:24:20 AM
Author: meresal
Wow, that''s a far reach for a facebook friend... especially if they don''t ever see eachother.

Is there any reason for your sister NOT to friend her? Even if she does become her friend, she won''t be able to see what you write.
Yes, there are things my sister writes that she feels the SIL could use to inform my MIL and it wouldn''t be nice. Get togthers we have without MIL, the guys hanging out (my DH and my sister''s DH, but not DH''s brother), etc.

In other words, she''s got a lot out there on FB that she doesn''t feel comfortable for my SIL to read.

I am guessing that my SIL found this was an opportunity to get to know about us better (don''t really know if I can trust her because I know she does lots of stuff to get MIL to like her alot. I feel that MIL should like me for me and not for the "act" I put on in front of her.

I feel this could be another thread. Do men get along better with their MILs that women get along with theirs?? Hmmmm????
 

tlh

Ideal_Rock
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I would just block her. If she asks about it, Italia has a good excuse.

My brother blocked everyone, even family (EXTENDED) from one of his sites. He was very open about it, he was like if I don''t have contact w/ you now, I dont want to start because of this online site. He also posts pictures of his daughter that he doesn''t want to be made public - or spread by people he doesn''t talk to. He may sound mean, but he is so much happier because he doesn''t worry about what people think about what he says and does. his thoughts are... why WOULD I care? I don''t talk to them - they aren''t my friends... and I don''t need a bunch of "fake friends" to make me look cool.

Best wishes!
 

meresal

Ideal_Rock
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Date: 4/14/2009 10:39:47 AM
Author: soocool


Date: 4/14/2009 10:24:20 AM
Author: meresal
Wow, that's a far reach for a facebook friend... especially if they don't ever see eachother.

Is there any reason for your sister NOT to friend her? Even if she does become her friend, she won't be able to see what you write.
Yes, there are things my sister writes that she feels the SIL could use to inform my MIL and it wouldn't be nice. Get togthers we have without MIL, the guys hanging out (my DH and my sister's DH, but not DH's brother), etc.

In other words, she's got a lot out there on FB that she doesn't feel comfortable for my SIL to read.

I am guessing that my SIL found this was an opportunity to get to know about us better (don't really know if I can trust her because I know she does lots of stuff to get MIL to like her alot. I feel that MIL should like me for me and not for the 'act' I put on in front of her.

I feel this could be another thread. Do men get along better with their MILs that women get along with theirs?? Hmmmm????
Then deny the request. I wouldn't block her... but since they aren't friends there's really no reason for the SIL to be able to see YOUR sisters information. I'm sorry but that's just kind of creepy to me.

ETA: Does she have her profile marked so that only friends can see her things... and her pictures marked the same way as well?
 

fieryred33143

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 18, 2008
Messages
6,689
Maybe I''m just not getting it.

I don''t think its appropriate for you to be making fun of your MIL on FB in front of your friends and whatever family you have on there. Ultimately, you are making DH look bad by making jokes of his mother for all to see.

I see those online sites as a way to bring people closer together. I don''t have very many friends on there (I think the grand tally is 30) but I do have people on there that I would like to reconnect with even if I will never see them face to face. I also have family on there (well...more on Myspace than FB) that I haven''t seen in 10+ years that found me on these sites. It''s been great to be able to share photos and stories with them.

I guess in your sister''s case she could just ignore the request and hope that the SIL gets the hint.
 

jcarlylew

Ideal_Rock
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Date: 4/14/2009 11:13:50 AM
Author: fieryred33143
Maybe I''m just not getting it.


I don''t think its appropriate for you to be making fun of your MIL on FB in front of your friends and whatever family you have on there. Ultimately, you are making DH look bad by making jokes of his mother for all to see.


I see those online sites as a way to bring people closer together. I don''t have very many friends on there (I think the grand tally is 30) but I do have people on there that I would like to reconnect with even if I will never see them face to face. I also have family on there (well...more on Myspace than FB) that I haven''t seen in 10+ years that found me on these sites. It''s been great to be able to share photos and stories with them.


I guess in your sister''s case she could just ignore the request and hope that the SIL gets the hint.
i agree. while it is important to vent, i wouldnt do it where other people could read the comments. my father is on my facebook, so obviously still i have to edit some things i write.
.

i would suggest to have her deny, and make her profile private.
 

mrscushion

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 15, 2008
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3,309
Another approach would be to work with friend lists. She can create a friend list called, for instance, "restricted access," and then go into privacy settings and set it up so that those "friends" on the restricted access list can only see very few things on her profile-- like, they won''t be able to see any wall comments, they won''t be able to see other friends of hers (=you), etc.

Friend lists are really helping me keep my privacy on Facebook without having to deny people''s friend requests.
 

Haven

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 15, 2007
Messages
13,166
I would just ignore the request, it doesn''t seem like a big deal.
If your SIL confronts your sister about it, she can be honest and just tell her that she''s only comfortable giving very close friends and family access to her information.
 

soocool

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 10, 2009
Messages
2,827
Date: 4/14/2009 11:13:50 AM
Author: fieryred33143
Maybe I''m just not getting it.

I don''t think its appropriate for you to be making fun of your MIL on FB in front of your friends and whatever family you have on there. Ultimately, you are making DH look bad by making jokes of his mother for all to see.

I see those online sites as a way to bring people closer together. I don''t have very many friends on there (I think the grand tally is 30) but I do have people on there that I would like to reconnect with even if I will never see them face to face. I also have family on there (well...more on Myspace than FB) that I haven''t seen in 10+ years that found me on these sites. It''s been great to be able to share photos and stories with them.

I guess in your sister''s case she could just ignore the request and hope that the SIL gets the hint.
I should have said the jokes we make are the comment she makes about me. I vent about the comments plus I also try to make the comment seem funny so that my feelings are not hurt.

I cannot tell you how much I have tried to be nice and kind to my MIL only to have her talk to all her friends about me negatively. I visited her everyday while she was in the hospital to bring her things because my Dh was travelling and my FIL working. I stayed with her for a week after she came home from the hospital to cook, clean, and shop for her. All I got afterwards was "She thinks she was such a big help!" "I couild have hired someone to do a better job!", "I couldn''t eat the garbage she made me!" "I couldn''t wait for her to leave", "I don''t know what my son seesin her!", "Maybe he''ll come to his senses and get rid of her, if you know what I mean!"... I found out these things from my DH''s aunt and when I confronted my MIL she said it''s all true.

I guess I was seeking advice for my sister, but put too much into the thread and so now I feel like I have made a total fool out of myself.
 

luvthemstrawberries

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 19, 2008
Messages
2,107
I have people try to befriend me on there that I knew in HS and stuff but never talk to any more. So like TLH said, I just ignore them. Deny the request. Same in you sister's case - if she's never in contact with your SIL, I see no reason for them to be friends on there. The only people that do that are the ones that want to broadcast their lives to the world, even people they don't know - and want the attention.

My point of view - if you don't talk to them now or want to be talking to them, don't be connected to them on there either. I never see those people I deny and haven't talked to them in years and years, so I don't feel bad at all denying the request. And if your SIL questions your sister, use Italia's excuse, or she can say that she's very private with her information (ETA - Haven put it well also), or that she never even got the request, for all that matters . The SIL will never see the denial, she'll just never get the friendship "acceptance."

Also, make sure your sister has her privacy settings set well - the defaults make you very available to everyone. I have all my stuff set to Friends Only, except for the search, because I'd like distant family to be able to find me and befriend me if they happen to join. And like others said on here, she can even make more of her information more private, restricted to certain friends only.
 

luvthemstrawberries

Ideal_Rock
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Date: 4/14/2009 12:16:03 PM
Author: soocool

I should have said the jokes we make are the comment she makes about me. I vent about the comments plus I also try to make the comment seem funny so that my feelings are not hurt.

I cannot tell you how much I have tried to be nice and kind to my MIL only to have her talk to all her friends about me negatively. I visited her everyday while she was in the hospital to bring her things because my Dh was travelling and my FIL working. I stayed with her for a week after she came home from the hospital to cook, clean, and shop for her. All I got afterwards was 'She thinks she was such a big help!' 'I couild have hired someone to do a better job!', 'I couldn't eat the garbage she made me!' 'I couldn't wait for her to leave', 'I don't know what my son seesin her!', 'Maybe he'll come to his senses and get rid of her, if you know what I mean!'... I found out these things from my DH's aunt and when I confronted my MIL she said it's all true.

I guess I was seeking advice for my sister, but put too much into the thread and so now I feel like I have made a total fool out of myself.
I don't think you've made a fool of yourself at all! Please don't feel that way.

If I were you, I'd be totally insulted as well. I'd need to vent too. At least you're not venting in a frustrating way on the site, and are making it (to the public) seem as if you're joking about it. I still, like you, wouldn't want the SIL seeing it though, especially if she is the suckup you say to your MIL. And ESPECIALLY if you've already confronted your MIL and it's out there that there's a rift between you two.

I think, if I was in your sister's position, I'd certainly deny the request. And if ever asked by the SIL about it, I'd say that the MIL treated my sister like dirt, and I'm on her side and want nothing to with the enemy.
Honestly.

Just out of curiosity, if you don't mind me asking, what does your husband think about the way his mother treats you?
 

girlie-girl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 29, 2008
Messages
819
I would just tell your sister to ignore the friendship request. She doesn''t owe anyone an explanation for who she has as friends on facebook and just because someone requests you, you''re not obligated to accept.

Good luck w/the MIL though, that sounds like a stickier situation.
 

fieryred33143

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 18, 2008
Messages
6,689
Date: 4/14/2009 12:16:03 PM
Author: soocool


I guess I was seeking advice for my sister, but put too much into the thread and so now I feel like I have made a total fool out of myself.
You didn''t. Sorry you feel that way.

Like I said your sister should just continue to ignore the request. Once a request is in, I don''t think you can continue to request so hopefully she''ll just either forget it or get the hint.
 

Sabine

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 16, 2007
Messages
3,446
I would just decline/ignore the request, and if SIL ever asks, say she only uses facebook to keep in touch with a small handful of college friends or something. Chances are SIL only requested her because she is the type to request anyone and everyone she has any sort of connection to and won''t even notice.
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
Messages
12,170
I''d block her. I only have people that I talk to every day on my FB account. I''ve had a ton of people from college give me friend requests but if I don''t talk to you in college, I don''t really want to share my photos etc with you.
 

OUpearlgirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 26, 2007
Messages
3,081
I would put her on limited profile... You can make it so she cannot read the wall, photos, whatever... You get to customize that. That way you didn''t deny a friend request and therefor hurt someone''s feelings, but she can''t see anything she doesn''t need to be.

Honestly, if I were her I''d feel pretty rejected if someone I knew like that denied a friend request.
 

soocool

Ideal_Rock
Joined
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Date: 4/14/2009 12:28:56 PM
Author: luvthemstrawberries

Date: 4/14/2009 12:16:03 PM
Author: soocool

I should have said the jokes we make are the comment she makes about me. I vent about the comments plus I also try to make the comment seem funny so that my feelings are not hurt.

I cannot tell you how much I have tried to be nice and kind to my MIL only to have her talk to all her friends about me negatively. I visited her everyday while she was in the hospital to bring her things because my Dh was travelling and my FIL working. I stayed with her for a week after she came home from the hospital to cook, clean, and shop for her. All I got afterwards was ''She thinks she was such a big help!'' ''I couild have hired someone to do a better job!'', ''I couldn''t eat the garbage she made me!'' ''I couldn''t wait for her to leave'', ''I don''t know what my son seesin her!'', ''Maybe he''ll come to his senses and get rid of her, if you know what I mean!''... I found out these things from my DH''s aunt and when I confronted my MIL she said it''s all true.

I guess I was seeking advice for my sister, but put too much into the thread and so now I feel like I have made a total fool out of myself.
I don''t think you''ve made a fool of yourself at all! Please don''t feel that way.

If I were you, I''d be totally insulted as well. I''d need to vent too. At least you''re not venting in a frustrating way on the site, and are making it (to the public) seem as if you''re joking about it. I still, like you, wouldn''t want the SIL seeing it though, especially if she is the suckup you say to your MIL. And ESPECIALLY if you''ve already confronted your MIL and it''s out there that there''s a rift between you two.

I think, if I was in your sister''s position, I''d certainly deny the request. And if ever asked by the SIL about it, I''d say that the MIL treated my sister like dirt, and I''m on her side and want nothing to with the enemy.
Honestly.

Just out of curiosity, if you don''t mind me asking, what does your husband think about the way his mother treats you?
My husband is on my side and has talked to his mom about this and she denies everything to him. But he did talk to his aunt to told him what she told me about MIL''s comments. Nowadays, he calls her once a week and keeps it short. We get together on certain holidays, like this past Easter(I am the one who tells him that he needs to stay connected to his family or MIL will blame me for everything), but I usually stay out of her way and she mine. We had Thanksgiving here with my family and my sister''s family and her in-laws and my MIL declined.

Funny my sister had Easter brunch and even invited MIL and FIL. MIL declined by not showing up, and we went to DH''s family in the afternoon. All MIL said was " I guess you already ate so we probably don''t need to seat you at the table."
 

movie zombie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 20, 2005
Messages
11,879
just because someone opens a door doesn''t mean you have to walk through it: i view this invite the same way and think the original reaction you had which is simply to ignore the invite is right on.

mz
 

soocool

Ideal_Rock
Joined
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My sister thanks you for all your worldly and FB wisdom and has now reset her privacy controls on FB. In the meantime, she just going to ignore my SIL''s request to add as a friend.
 

jcarlylew

Ideal_Rock
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Date: 4/14/2009 4:08:44 PM
Author: soocool
My sister thanks you for all your worldly and FB wisdom and has now reset her privacy controls on FB. In the meantime, she just going to ignore my SIL''s request to add as a friend.
Glad there was a resolution! Its always awkard to "friend or not to friend"
 
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