My poor baby brother having a hard time with roommate

[fieryred33143]

Ok, ok he’s 19 and 6’1 but damn it he’s my baby!

His roommate is a nightmare. On the first day (brother moved in 2nd semester), the kid dropped off all of his stuff and then disappeared. At 4:30AM (mind you, classes started that same day), he shows up with 3 of his buddies and his gf and started rearranging his room. The girl actually woke up my brother to ask if the fridge was his or if that is something that came with the room. This kid has been there since the 1st semester. He knows that the room did not come with a fridge.

So I told my brother to keep an open mind about it and hopefully everything will work itself out. It hasn’t. This weekend my brother went home and when he got back, his side of the room was trashed. He had some friends spend the night and they used his towels and left them bundled up and wet on the bed (gross). They ate all of the food that my mom and I bought him before we left…all of it (milk, cereal, sandwich stuff, microwave pizza, etc). They left garbage under his bed and on top of his desk. They moved his TV and radio and placed it on the roommate’s side of the room. My brother was furious. And when the roommate got there, he denied doing anything. He told my brother “that’s how you left it?” Are you kidding me? And he just told me that at around 4AM, someone was pounding on their window asking for the toothbrush they left in the room from spending the weekend there.

Now, we aren''t stuck up. This is a good manners situation. If he had asked my brother to use the fridge and possible share the food, my brother wouldn''t have a problem with it but obviously they would have to split the cost. If he had called my brother to mention that friends were coming over and if they could sleep on his bed, again no problem. But to walk in and see a room that way is frustrating.

So now he has three choices: he either stays in the room with this jerk that has no manners, pays $800 to move to another unit (nicer dorm room hence the price), or pays nothing and moves into a triple. He has met the guy in the nicer room and says he’s cool with him moving in. He’s also met the two in the triple and they seem fine with it but living with one person is hard enough…add another person into the mix and it can get stressful.

I think he should tough it out. The problem though is that he’s a pre-med student and has most of his classes at 8AM due to the way the classes are set up. I don’t want this situation affecting his grades. But $800 on top of what was already paid for just 4 months seems like a lot. What would you advise him to do?

 

[AmberGretchen]

I''d advise him to try to talk to a residential counselor or similar person at his university - they should be able to intervene with the roommate. I think it goes beyond a manners situation - its stealing to take someone else''s things (i.e. food) without asking, and completely inappropriate to move someone else''s things without consulting them.

Maybe the university can find a way to transfer the nightmare roommate or could reduce the fee for your brother to move into the nicer unit.

Even if they can''t reduce the fee, I''d pay the $800 and move anyway - as you said, this could seriously affect his grades, and that''s just not worth it.

Sorry your brother is dealing with this - I remember roommate and dorm stuff from college - not fun!

 

[princesss]

As somebody who had some terrible roommate issues:

Pay the $800 and consider it an investment in his sanity.

He'll be able to do his work. He won't be exhausted during exams because his roommate was up all night. He'll be able to relax.

BF lived in a triple, and spent almost no time in his room because his roommates sucked. It's worse to pay the same amount for a room he might not use than it is to pay $800 more for a place he'll like and feel comfortable in.

 

[Elmorton]

Almost all universities also have a judicial process. Your brother can take his complaint there - certainly the roommate''s behavior (trashing your brother''s stuff) violates the code of conduct.

Most housing services don''t like dealing with roommate stuff, but this kid is horrible. Keep pestering housing services. When they realize you''re not going away, they''ll do something.

Also - where the heck is the Resident Assistant? The RA should have an eye on this and should be helping your brother file a complaint.

Get a padlock and get the closet locked. When your brother leaves, everything should go in the closet.

$800 is a ton of money - when I was in college, $800 additional got me a single room, which was a major luxury. I don''t think that kind of $ is worth it just to get out of the room with the roomie from hell, since the college should be dealing with this. If it were me, I''d probably just take the triple to get out ASAP. When I was in college, triples actually afforded a lot more space, actually.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 1/20/2009 10:52:04 AM
Author:fieryred33143

So now he has three choices: he either stays in the room with this jerk that has no manners, pays $800 to move to another unit (nicer dorm room hence the price), or pays nothing and moves into a triple. He has met the guy in the nicer room and says he’s cool with him moving in. He’s also met the two in the triple and they seem fine with it but living with one person is hard enough…add another person into the mix and it can get stressful.

I think he should tough it out. The problem though is that he’s a pre-med student and has most of his classes at 8AM due to the way the classes are set up. I don’t want this situation affecting his grades. But $800 on top of what was already paid for just 4 months seems like a lot. What would you advise him to do?

I would move out. I would have moved out sooner. My freshman room mate was CRAZY. Not as in crazy like the saying, she really needed medication. She told people I was a spy hired by her parents to LIVE with her!

She would come home saying someone followed her to class. She had a "secret" boyfriend. Plus she had an obvious eating disorder and would comment on what I ate. She also snored and had the most annoying high voice you could ever imagine. I lived with her for a full quarter and moved out the beginning of winter quarter. I should have moved out right away. NO ONE should have to live with someone they hate or dread coming home. College is hard enough. So my advice to anyone in a bad situation is ALWAYS get OUT!

 

[crown1]

just get him out of there. either situation is better than staying. i would not try to reason with these jerks. they knew what they did and are not likely to let him live in peace. if he is up for a fight you can try reporting the jerks but they won''t take it without retaliating. the guy is probably doing it on purpose to get his private room back. i''d say good riddance to the room and find new digs.

 

[fieryred33143]

He spoke with the RA who mentioned doing a peer mediation program (think that''s what its called). I also think $800 is a lot.

The reason why this kid did what he did, at least from my own speculation, is because he wants his friend to move in with him and was trying to force my brother out. The friend lives with someone that is in the military and is a really nice guy (we met his family when we were moving my brother in). Apparently, this other guy also doesn''t like his roommate and pretty much trashed his room as well

So my brother thought great! We''ll just switch rooms and everything will be fine. When he went to speak to the friend of his roommate about switching, the guy says ''I changed my mind. I don''t feel like moving''

So all of that for nothing. Anyway, he''s really stressed out and has been calling me non-stop for advice on what to do and also because if he moves...I''m the one that will pay for it so ultimately the decision comes down to what I want to do.

 

[lyra]

Can your brother move in with the military guy, and the roommate's friend in with the roommate? Otherwise, honestly, I'd pay the $800 for sanity and better marks, no question.

ETA Oops, I got confused. The military guy doesn't want a new roommate or the trash guy doesn't want to move? Bleah! Mediation will take 4 months probably. I think even moving in with the 2 people in the 3 person room is preferable to this. I'd get him out.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

In the long run $800 is worth it. Or move into the triple. Anything is better than living with that guy. I can't believe those are the only two options.

ETA: it is pretty common for people to drop out so there should be more options than just those two. That is how I changed rooms. The room mate dropped out so there was an opening down the hall.

 

[fieryred33143]

Lyra-The military guy wants the trashy roommate out but the trashy roommate decided he didn''t feel like moving anymore. He would have been perfect too because on top of just being a really nice guy, he lives about 30 minutes away from my mom so they would be able to share the ride home during holidays/breaks.

Tacori-I''m surprised there aren''t more rooms available too.

I think I''m going to go ahead and tell him to move. I don''t see this kid getting any better unfortunately

 

[Tacori E-ring]

It will probably get worse...sorry! I''ve been there.

 

[sba771]

As I very recent college graduate and one with roommate problems- I say move out. 800 is a lot but think of all the costs he is going to have when this roommate ruins more of his stuff. People in college (especially when drunk) can get really ugly and things can get stolen or destroyed on purpose just to drive him out.

I think talking to the RA is a good idea in theory- but honestly they can''t do anything and no one listens to them ever. More often that not they tend to be a joke and have no respect. In my case my freshman year ours was drinking and passing out in the halls!

Move out - college is hard enough without the drama the roommate is creating

 

[geckodani]

Ugh that''s horrible. Can he try the triple and then if that doesn''t work out pay the 800 for another room? If the two other guys are cool, it might be a good fit.

 

[oobiecoo]

Date: 1/20/2009 11:45:46 AM
Author: fieryred33143
Lyra-The military guy wants the trashy roommate out but the trashy roommate decided he didn''t feel like moving anymore. He would have been perfect too because on top of just being a really nice guy, he lives about 30 minutes away from my mom so they would be able to share the ride home during holidays/breaks.

Tacori-I''m surprised there aren''t more rooms available too.

I think I''m going to go ahead and tell him to move. I don''t see this kid getting any better unfortunately

Yep, he needs to move... I''ve had bad roommates before and it was so bad that I felt like I could never even go home to my own room because they would be there. It was way too stressful! Tell him to donate some plasma to help pay for it...

 

[Alexiszoe]

Date: 1/20/2009 11:01:53 AM
Author: princesss
As somebody who had some terrible roommate issues:


Pay the $800 and consider it an investment in his sanity.


He''ll be able to do his work. He won''t be exhausted during exams because his roommate was up all night. He''ll be able to relax.


BF lived in a triple, and spent almost no time in his room because his roommates sucked. It''s worse to pay the same amount for a room he might not use than it is to pay $800 more for a place he''ll like and feel comfortable in.

I absolutely agree with this. having been in a similar situation before it''s really frustrating and exhausting. the $800 is a good investment since he can focus on school without having to deal with the stresses of a terrible roommate.

 

[Elmorton]

Date: 1/20/2009 11:57:25 AM
Author: geckodani
Ugh that''s horrible. Can he try the triple and then if that doesn''t work out pay the 800 for another room? If the two other guys are cool, it might be a good fit.

Exactly. I''d move the to the triple now, and see how it goes. Especially if the two guys are sane, moving into a triple could be really good if you''re new at semester.

$800 is a TON of money for what amounts to 16 weeks in a living situation - but if that''s the LAST resort, it makes sense.

 

[movie zombie]

$800 is a small price to pay for sanity......

tough it out?! no way. its an invite to a snap in judgement one day due to being tired and frustrated resulting in somethings not conducive to a medical career....or accusations made and the results still being your brother paying a bigger price than $800.

movie zombie

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 1/20/2009 12:53:35 PM
Author: Elmorton

Date: 1/20/2009 11:57:25 AM
Author: geckodani
Ugh that''s horrible. Can he try the triple and then if that doesn''t work out pay the 800 for another room? If the two other guys are cool, it might be a good fit.

Exactly. I''d move the to the triple now, and see how it goes. Especially if the two guys are sane, moving into a triple could be really good if you''re new at semester.

$800 is a TON of money for what amounts to 16 weeks in a living situation - but if that''s the LAST resort, it makes sense.

I suggested the triple to him and when he went back to housing, the guys had apparently called and requested to remain as a double room and housing said yes.

It''s a triple room. Why would they have students walk all over them?

So he''s taking the other room. He already sounds much better. And I''ve been on the phone with them to get that fee reduced. Honestly, I kind of blame housing. My brother got his housing assignment sometime in November. He contacted his roommate and they were talking for several weeks. The guy had a car but didn''t have a fridge. So my brother took the bigger fridge we have so they can share and the roomie said he would drive him to buy groceries and split the bill. When we got there, it looked like two people were already living in the room. It turns out that housing double booked that room and because the other guy got their first, he was allowed to stay

So they searched for another room and placed him with this guy who was not expecting to have a roommate at all. I think that''s why he felt the need to dislike my brother even though he didn''t know him. He was probably really wanting a single (who wouldn''t?!?!) and was surprised to see him there.

Anyway, I''ve proposed $300 instead of $800, arguing that this is the same amount I paid as a deposit on the original room and even though this is a nicer room, it isn''t a freshman dorm so he has to travel a bit to get to his classes (taking buses as opposed to walking). We''ll see what they say.

Thanks for all the advice. I felt bad for him. My freshmen year I had a double but the girl never showed up and I never got a roommate. Nice big room all to myself

 

[geckodani]

I would try to argue it down to nothing, based on the fact that the triple room which was previously available is being allowed to stay a double. Since that was his other option, and housing has removed it, they should not charge your bro. IMO.

 

[fieryred33143]

That''s a good point Dani. I''m going to tell them that when they call back.

 

[geckodani]

It's worth a try, right? LOL

ETA: AND they double booked his original room and deprived him of the roommate they told him he would have.

 

[JulieN]

Move to another room.

Some people can be worked with. Some can't.

never mind, just read through it. good for him.

 

[tlh]

That happened to me! I was never in my dorm room, and my roomie would often have another girl stay in our room, in my bed. SHE HATED HER ROOMMATE. I didn''t really care because I always stayed off campus w/ my BF. The girls asked if we could just... switch places. I got the "boring" roommate that was soo dispised, because she just liked to go to bed at 9 and play on the internet. And it worked out 100%. No fuss, no muss. I would again encourage your brother to talk w/ the RA. The level of disrespect shown here is unbelieveable. I am sorry to hear of all these difficulties, because college is supposed to be fun.

I mean, I was not the best roommate. I was a lot of fun, but I sucked as a roomie. I had the top bunk, and my roomie had the bottom bunk. She kept her shoes in a bin at the edge of the beds. Well, one night I came home from a party drunk, and guess who puked off of the top bunk? Yup, right into the bin with EVERY SINGLE SHOE MY ROOMIE OWNED.

I helped her clean them... but man did they STINK! (The beverage on tap was FLAMING DR PEPPERS, and if you''ve had them you''ll never like ameretto again!) But, we were actually friends, so you know... she didn''t hate me for it.

Maybe your bro can like brings girls over and make loud monkey noises? Or like really be annoying and host Dungeon and Dragons parties in the room. Might chase the other guy away! (just kidding) These experiences will help him to grow... that is what college is about, finding yourself. This is just a minor conflict in the grand scheme of things... and it will all work out just fine. Just have him take a step back and enjoy college. If he is out having his own good time... he might care a little less about what his roomie is doing.... maybe he just needs to puke in his roomie''s shoes? Seriously... all your life you will hustle and bustle, and make your way... but if you don''t stop to enjoy the ride, who cares how fast you get to the destination?

It will be alright. HONESTLY, it will be just fine. Don''t sweat the small stuff.

Long winded, but I just wanted to say, HUGS to your bro... dealing with mean and difficult people can be challenging. I wish him the best. It is hard to do the right thing, when you just want to put tacs in people''s shoes!

 

[bee*]

I would definitely pay the money and get him out of that room. That''s horrible what his room mate did. It will be worth it in the longrun for his studies.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Sometimes you have to just cut your losses...I think he should move into the more expensive room and be done with the drama.

 

[purselover]

speaking as a former RA peer mediation doesn''t work that well, the best resolution is someone moving. $800 is a small price to pay for a nice living situation.

 

[WishfulThinking]

Oh Firey, I''m so sorry to hear that. What a jerk!

It sounds like you''re doing the right thing by trying to whittle down the amount you have to pay to have his dorm switched. I was originally going to say that your brother should talk to his RA/housing, etc because obviously his roommate has violated basic protocol at *any* school with his actions... but reading further it sounds as if their residential life office is pretty dysfunctional.

I think they have made MORE than enough mistakes in this situation to warrant a room change free of charge. You also know from this scenario that they are willing to cave to student demands, and since you are the one holding the money in this situation it seems logical that they may fold to your requests as well. At least I hope! Of course $800 is a great investment to make sure that your poor brother can focus on school and not dread coming "home," which is one of the worst feelings ever. However, at least to me $800 is a LOT of money [well, for me it would have to be another loan] and I think it sounds like an awful lot just to move to another dorm, especially since he would still be sharing a room.

I have had horrible roommates in the past and I think you are dead on thinking your brother''s roommate decided to be a jerk to drive your brother out so he could keep the room to himself. He sounds like an entitled little brat. I would of course want to keep the huuuge single room too, but it''s not worth making someone else''s life miserable over! I moved into an "open double" in the spring of my sophomore year and my roommate was terrible for the same reason. The trash she had all over the ground of our room was disgusting, and I was constantly having to either clean it up or kick it back onto her side of the room. The dividing line between the two sides was very apparent. It makes me sick just thinking about it! At my college a single room is not extra $, but only upper classwomen get single rooms because they are limited in availability. That year I entered what they call the Singles Lottery and won myself a very tiny but very helpful single room that was leftover from the housing decisions! So there are happy endings sometimes!

By the way, it''s very cute that you still think of your huge and not-so-young brother as your baby. He sounds like a really sweet kid, and it''s sad to think his first few days at college have been so rough. Poor guy. I hope his new situation turns out much better and he is able to enjoy himself! Keep us posted.

 

[orbaya]

Date: 1/20/2009 11:10:23 AM
Author: fieryred33143
He spoke with the RA who mentioned doing a peer mediation program (think that''s what its called). I also think $800 is a lot.

The reason why this kid did what he did, at least from my own speculation, is because he wants his friend to move in with him and was trying to force my brother out. The friend lives with someone that is in the military and is a really nice guy (we met his family when we were moving my brother in). Apparently, this other guy also doesn''t like his roommate and pretty much trashed his room as well

So my brother thought great! We''ll just switch rooms and everything will be fine. When he went to speak to the friend of his roommate about switching, the guy says ''I changed my mind. I don''t feel like moving''

So all of that for nothing. Anyway, he''s really stressed out and has been calling me non-stop for advice on what to do and also because if he moves...I''m the one that will pay for it so ultimately the decision comes down to what I want to do.

If you can swing it, pay the $800 for your brother. It will be so worth it for making his college experience much better, plus your piece of mind knowing that he''s in a happier, more productive place for his studies. In the long run it will be so worth it, but don''t put yourself under great financial strain to do so.

 

[LGK]

Glad you decided to help him relocate; definitely lean on the college to reduce the fee... you have some very good reasons!

As someone who had some horrible room mates (in an apartment, not a dorm- my college was smallllll) it can be very very expensive to feed a deadbeat room mate and all his buddies. And if someone is that disrespectful of another person''s stuff, there are plenty of other things that usually go down too- like missing stuff. Lost every CD I owned, and all the small electronics like portable CD players etc.

The thing I just died laughing that turned up missing: a huge chunk of lucite with hundreds of shredded dollars in it... it was a gag gift thing that was made from real money, but I guess from retired currency or something. The shreds were teeeensy, probably not from the same bills, and the lucite was super thick.

I''m quite certain a relative of the deadbeat room mate stole it thinking he''d hit the jackpot, then probably spent endless frustrating hours doing nothing but destroying it trying to get the money out. That was very satisfying to imagine!

 

[:)]

Work on them on that price - they took away his triple option - unless they can offer him another, he should not get charged for their refusal. Take it up as high through residence life as you need to (they may have a vp of res life type position).
Thanks for being such a great sister - I am sure he appreciates you - this will really help him concentrate on his studies for premed. Perhaps he will thank you with a shiny new bauble once he finishes all his training!