my friends all got the rock, and all I got was a breakup

[funnyface786]

Well like many of you guys here, I'm a big fan of the gorgeous engagement rings and the whole shebang. Recently a bunch of my friends all got engaged, one, two, three.. nearly in a row! Granted, I am in my early twenties, finishing school, and not quiiiite ready for that yet, a girl can dream though, right? I am truly happy for them, going to be a bridesmaid for one, but obviously think about when my moment and ring will come.

Well I've been with my guy for a year. I always thought our relationship was great - he always treated me so well, and I was so incredibly happy with him. His family loved me. We rarely fought. He was everything I wanted and more. We were even the same religion and same heritage, and same age!

About 2 weeks ago, he was getting really super busy with school - staying up really late every night and working like mad. Hes trying to graduate, and his major is extremely difficult, so I let him be. I didn't really mind. We talked a bit, but not much. A week later we finally get a significant amount of time to talk on the phone together, and had a nice conversation. At the end of the convo all of a sudden he says "I have to be honest, I don't really know if I'm into THIS right now". He said he hasn't had the "urge" to call me. I was upset and got mad, and ended the call.

The next day I tried to work things out. I said I would be willing to talk and work it out if he wants to stay together. He didn't give me an answer at first, so I asked him if he knew whether he wanted to still be with me. He said he didn't know the answer.

I was devasted. After a year, after being so happy and everything we went through, he didn't know????? I called him that night and broke up. I couldn't go through that torture. Half of the time he seemed sad, half of the time he didn't know what to say. He said all he wanted to do was be honest with how he was feeling, and he didn't know why he felt this way (he said maybe it was stress, but he just doesnt know). I asked him point blank "what do you want?" and he said "I dont know".

I just don't know what to do. I never thought I could find someone like him, and now all of a sudden I'm losing him. I told him I didn't want to talk to him at all until he could tell me something different, or figured out something about himself. Its been about a week and a half. I apologize for this being so long but I needed somewhere to vent. I can't believe I really thought one day we would end up together and now its all a mess.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

You deserve someone who loves you and wants to be with you...regardless of outside stressors...

I''m impressed by your strength!

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

oh, sweetheart, I''m so so sorry. I know it''s a tough spot, and it''s perfectly normal to be devastated, but you handled it exactly like I would have, so I know where you are coming from.

I don''t know anything about your relationship, so I am in no way trying to say that this will happen to you, but I can say that my fiance and I were in the exact same spot a few years ago.

After a couple MONTHS of becoming more and more distant leading up to him receiving new orders (he''s a Navy pilot), he finally said that he "didn''t know what he wanted" and maybe we should just wait and see where he was stationed to make a decision. I calmly told him that if his decision on me depended on where the Navy took him, then my decision on him was that the relationship was not worth waiting for while he was on a carrier, no matter where he was stationed. I broke up with him that night, cried my eyeballs out and a month later, he left for Japan. I basically said that if his answer wasn''t yes, then it was no. I wasn''t asking for an engagement, just a boyfriend who was worth sitting at home for! I had slowly let the deteriorating situation steal my self-confidence and I knew that just wasn''t me. I felt I was better than being someone''s tough decision.

I dated other people, had three serious relationships, finished up at grad school, moved to a new city, started a new career... all in the three years he was gone. I learned a lot about myself and grew as a person. The entire time we were separated though, we never lost touch. We had a few visits with me coming to Japan and him visiting the states, and one trip to Australia. We got back together 9 months before he came back, I moved to a new city to be with him four months after he came back to the states, and then four months later we were engaged. So it took 6 1/2 years, but we found our way to each other. And in that time, I stayed true to myself and became a better person I think. It turns out that him not knowing wasn''t about me at all, but really and truly, it was about him becoming the person he wanted to be and maturing into the man he is now.

I guess my point is that sometimes people need to grow up or figure stuff out before they''re ready. That''s not on you. You did the right thing by being true to yourself and knowing that you are not a hard decision. If you do somehow end up together because he realizes that he just freaked with the change in his life, then you can be proud that you took care of yourself. And if it turns out that you really do stay broken up, then you can still be proud that you took care of yourself, ya know? You are hurting now, and there''s nothing anyone can say to make the hurt go away, but you really will feel better - it just takes time.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 4/21/2009 10:24:18 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
oh, sweetheart, I''m so so sorry. I know it''s a tough spot, and it''s perfectly normal to be devastated, but you handled it exactly like I would have, so I know where you are coming from.

I don''t know anything about your relationship, so I am in no way trying to say that this will happen to you, but I can say that my fiance and I were in the exact same spot a few years ago.

After a couple MONTHS of becoming more and more distant leading up to him receiving new orders (he''s a Navy pilot), he finally said that he ''didn''t know what he wanted'' and maybe we should just wait and see where he was stationed to make a decision. I calmly told him that if his decision on me depended on where the Navy took him, then my decision on him was that the relationship was not worth waiting for while he was on a carrier, no matter where he was stationed. I broke up with him that night, cried my eyeballs out and a month later, he left for Japan. I basically said that if his answer wasn''t yes, then it was no. I wasn''t asking for an engagement, just a boyfriend who was worth sitting at home for! I had slowly let the deteriorating situation steal my self-confidence and I knew that just wasn''t me. I felt I was better than being someone''s tough decision.

I dated other people, had three serious relationships, finished up at grad school, moved to a new city, started a new career... all in the three years he was gone. I learned a lot about myself and grew as a person. The entire time we were separated though, we never lost touch. We had a few visits with me coming to Japan and him visiting the states, and one trip to Australia. We got back together 9 months before he came back, I moved to a new city to be with him four months after he came back to the states, and then four months later we were engaged. So it took 6 1/2 years, but we found our way to each other. And in that time, I stayed true to myself and became a better person I think. It turns out that him not knowing wasn''t about me at all, but really and truly, it was about him becoming the person he wanted to be and maturing into the man he is now.

I guess my point is that sometimes people need to grow up or figure stuff out before they''re ready. That''s not on you. You did the right thing by being true to yourself and knowing that you are not a hard decision. If you do somehow end up together because he realizes that he just freaked with the change in his life, then you can be proud that you took care of yourself. And if it turns out that you really do stay broken up, then you can still be proud that you took care of yourself, ya know? You are hurting now, and there''s nothing anyone can say to make the hurt go away, but you really will feel better - it just takes time.

Wow, GREAT post, Guilty Pleasure!

I''d just add that many guys unfortunately go through the uncertainty or cold feet phase. A friend of my daughter got married this past Saturday, but her fiance had cold feet to the point of asking for the ring back a few months ago. They got some counseling and ended up back together. My daughter had a boyfriend in high school and college that she thought she would marry, but he broke up with her and she was devastated at the time. A few months ago she met the love of her life, and they are already talking about wedding and future life together. So in retrospect, she sees how much better off she is now. I know it''s hard, though! {{{hugs}}}

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 4/21/2009 10:34:09 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006

Date: 4/21/2009 10:24:18 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
oh, sweetheart, I''m so so sorry. I know it''s a tough spot, and it''s perfectly normal to be devastated, but you handled it exactly like I would have, so I know where you are coming from.

I don''t know anything about your relationship, so I am in no way trying to say that this will happen to you, but I can say that my fiance and I were in the exact same spot a few years ago.

After a couple MONTHS of becoming more and more distant leading up to him receiving new orders (he''s a Navy pilot), he finally said that he ''didn''t know what he wanted'' and maybe we should just wait and see where he was stationed to make a decision. I calmly told him that if his decision on me depended on where the Navy took him, then my decision on him was that the relationship was not worth waiting for while he was on a carrier, no matter where he was stationed. I broke up with him that night, cried my eyeballs out and a month later, he left for Japan. I basically said that if his answer wasn''t yes, then it was no. I wasn''t asking for an engagement, just a boyfriend who was worth sitting at home for! I had slowly let the deteriorating situation steal my self-confidence and I knew that just wasn''t me. I felt I was better than being someone''s tough decision.

I dated other people, had three serious relationships, finished up at grad school, moved to a new city, started a new career... all in the three years he was gone. I learned a lot about myself and grew as a person. The entire time we were separated though, we never lost touch. We had a few visits with me coming to Japan and him visiting the states, and one trip to Australia. We got back together 9 months before he came back, I moved to a new city to be with him four months after he came back to the states, and then four months later we were engaged. So it took 6 1/2 years, but we found our way to each other. And in that time, I stayed true to myself and became a better person I think. It turns out that him not knowing wasn''t about me at all, but really and truly, it was about him becoming the person he wanted to be and maturing into the man he is now.

I guess my point is that sometimes people need to grow up or figure stuff out before they''re ready. That''s not on you. You did the right thing by being true to yourself and knowing that you are not a hard decision. If you do somehow end up together because he realizes that he just freaked with the change in his life, then you can be proud that you took care of yourself. And if it turns out that you really do stay broken up, then you can still be proud that you took care of yourself, ya know? You are hurting now, and there''s nothing anyone can say to make the hurt go away, but you really will feel better - it just takes time.

Wow, GREAT post, Guilty Pleasure!

Ditto GP, and ditto DS! ((HUGS FunnyFace)) I love your nickname and you AV BTW.

 

[misskitty]

Date: 4/21/2009 10:24:18 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
I guess my point is that sometimes people need to grow up or figure stuff out before they''re ready. That''s not on you. You did the right thing by being true to yourself and knowing that you are not a hard decision. If you do somehow end up together because he realizes that he just freaked with the change in his life, then you can be proud that you took care of yourself. And if it turns out that you really do stay broken up, then you can still be proud that you took care of yourself, ya know? You are hurting now, and there''s nothing anyone can say to make the hurt go away, but you really will feel better - it just takes time.

^^ Ditto, this. I''m sorry to hear about your breakup, but know that things will get better!

 

[AmberGretchen]

I agree with Italia - every woman deserves someone who loves her and KNOWS he wants to be with her. It should be a priority for both of you, otherwise, why bother?

You did the right thing. Now you have to take some time for yourself - try to spend as much time as possible taking care of yourself and doing all the things you enjoy doing on your own - going out with friends, shopping, girly stuff, whatever makes you happiest. When the time is right, you will find a person who knows how much he wants to be with you and loves you dearly.

 

[mrscushion]

Lots of hugs, funnyface.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Girl, you did what I should have! I promise you''ll be better off. You can search through my old posts.. I went through something kind of similar and did the whiney/crying/waiting around thing. It didn''t work out.

Good for you to realize you want and deserve more! The right guy is out there for you, I guarantee it!

 

[bee*]

I''m sorry to hear that. Sending hugs.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 4/21/2009 9:46:11 PM
Author:funnyface786
Well like many of you guys here, I'm a big fan of the gorgeous engagement rings and the whole shebang. Recently a bunch of my friends all got engaged, one, two, three.. nearly in a row! Granted, I am in my early twenties, finishing school, and not quiiiite ready for that yet, a girl can dream though, right? I am truly happy for them, going to be a bridesmaid for one, but obviously think about when my moment and ring will come.

You said it yourself, you're not quite 'at the stage'. Let's face it, you're a looooong time grown up and settled with a hubby!
As soon as you're married, people start asking when the kids are coming.

Chill out, don't rush, the best is yet to come.
Your man did you a big favour by being honest.

And in relation to your friends, that's about them not you.
But it's probably good for your marrying odds that you are hanging with a group of people who do marry.

When you do find another boyfriend, you have to look deeply inside yourself and decide whether it's him (and the loooong term lifestyle) or the ring (and the short term fuss) that you are really keen on. It can be sooo hard to work out which dream is which!!!

Remember, when it comes to blokes, you really only need one! One good one.

And you've got plenty of time! It's win-win!

 

[ilovesparkles]

Stay strong and true to yourself! (of which you have already done a wonderful job of!) Don''t be persuaded, hold on to what you know is right for you! It may be with this man, it may be with another. But don''t compromise on your wants, needs, hopes, and dreams for any man!

((((HUGS))))

 

[inloveinpa]

Funnyface - You are a strong woman and definitely made the right choice. I always believe what is meant to be will be and if it''s not, you become that much stronger of a person afterwards. If he is not the ONE for you, then you will find your soulmate who feels the same, unconditional and crazy-in-love feeling as you do for him. Keep your chin up sweetie!

 

[funnyface786]

Wow, thank you so much for your words of support! I know nothing can make me feel completely better right now but it definitely helps at least a little bit

OUpeargirl - wow I read through all of your posts. I can relate to you sooooo much!!! at least I know I''m not alone in thinking after this I''ll never find anyone as wonderful and perfect and fall in love again. I know it sounds silly for me to even say it, and I know its not true, but I guess I just need those reminders that life goes on and I''m not going to end up alone and unhappy.

Guilty Pleasure - what an AMAZING story! Though I can''t say for sure if that will happen to me (though I wish it would), I can definitely relate to the immaturity thing.
I''ve had the time to do a lot of thinking, and my guy is definitely immature in many ways. He not only doesn''t know what kind of career he wants, what he wants to major in in grad school, if he even WANTS to go to grad school... but even when I would ask him about these things, he would just freak out and hate even talking about it. Hes so unsure about so many things. I don''t know, maybe that has something to do with it, or maybe he just lost interest. I try not to analyze - it tends to drive me nuts. I''m just trying to accept that this happened for a reason, and I just have to deal with whatever comes next.

I definitely want to keep in mind what I want in a relationship, and yes, I refuse to compromise! As much as I miss him and still want us to get back together, I know that it can''t be the way it was. Just to clarify - its not that I immediately just wanted to get engaged, but the thing is that I just wanted a committed and loving boyfriend that I could see a future with. I saw the future, but the first part was what was missing. Also he sort of pulled this on me before. We went on a "break" in January where he said some similar things - "I dont know if I see a future between us, I''m not sure...". It lasted about 4 days and then he came crawling back saying he made a huge mistake and he would do anything to fix it. I took him back because I said I still wanted to take a chance rather than not be with him. Why doesn''t he think its a mistake now??? Its so confusing

Still haven''t talked to him, at all. And he hasn''t even tried to talk to me, though I did give him that "rule".

Oh and the kicker to all of this? His sister and I are going to be bridesmaids together, at our friends wedding (the bride has been my friend for a while, and his childhood friend!). So I''ll be seeing his sister and mom pretty soon at the shower and what not, and HIM at - of all things... - a wedding.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

You will be okay! I promise!

I always advise girls after a breakup to go get a copy of It''s Called A Breakup Because It''s Broken. For me, the beginning seemed to hold no merit for the situation I was in.. But then I got to one chapter, and the tears started rolling.

One thing you need to start doing is STOP wondering what he is thinking... What happened or why he doesn''t care. It doesn''t matter. You have done nothing wrong and I''m sure you were a great girlfriend. Because someone doesn''t see that does not mean that you should feel bad about yourself. Take some time to just do things for yourself! Go on a trip with some girls somewhere fun or have a girls night out at a restaurant or bar. Rent that chick flick you always wanted to see but he was never interested in. Take a walk outside. Let yourself have a few good cries! You''ll come out of this more independent and now you are available when a guy who KNOWS how badly he wants you comes around.

 

[LaraOnline]

Even if you *know* he''s not the king, it''s hard not to really, really, REALLY wish he was!

Honestly being honest with YOURSELF about how great or suitable a guy is, is 85% of the battle!

The other 15% is honesty about the kind of lifestyle you are actually wanting for yourself, in REALITY.

I don''t know anything about where you live, or your lifestyle but sadly, until you are ready to retire to the burbs, you may not be ready to marry.
Cause the burbs is where most marriages happen!

 

[tlh]

Date: 4/21/2009 10:02:24 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
You deserve someone who loves you and wants to be with you...regardless of outside stressors...

I''m impressed by your strength!

I agree with Italia.

 

[funnyface786]

I ran into his parents today... they were so extremely nice, like nothing happened. I thought it was going to be awkward. Ugh that just broke my heart!!! I LOVED his family, I''m going to miss that!

 

[LadyBlue]

I''m sorry, tons of hugs!! I know you are hurt now, but you will be happy when you find someone that loves you as much as you do.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Date: 4/25/2009 8:14:00 PM
Author: funnyface786
I ran into his parents today... they were so extremely nice, like nothing happened. I thought it was going to be awkward. Ugh that just broke my heart!!! I LOVED his family, I''m going to miss that!

That''s one of the hard parts! I adored my ex''s family. If you were particularly close, I''m sure it wouldn''t be weird to shoot them an e-mail from time to time. I still occasionally talk to my ex''s mom.

 

[LaraOnline]

It''s a shame you can''t take the parents with you sometimes, isn''t it?! One of my drippiest time wasters came with the nicest parents... I miss them!

 

[blueroses]

Oh, Funnyface: You did the RIGHT thing. Be strong in your decision.

You are worth too much to wait around for "I don''t know."

Keep us posted. You really have done the right thing, and I know right now it feels like you''ll never meet anyone that you click with like him (God knows that''s how I felt after my breakup for a LONG time) but I did, and you will too.

(((HUGS)))

 

[funnyface786]

:sigh:... well about a week and a half ago I talked to his sis online. we''ve actually known each other and been friends since before I even met him, and we''ve always kept close. didn''t talk to her for a while about 2 weeks after the break up, because I wasn''t sure about how to or what to do, although I knew that I wanted to stay in contact with her of course.

So we talked for a bit, kind of awkwardly, then finally she mentioned how shes sorry about me and her brother. She said ALL he told her was that we weren''t together anymore, and THATS IT. She said that she doesn''t even think he told their PARENTS either, and she was the one who had to tell her mom (I dont know about their dad)! I couldnt believe he didnt tell them. she said he''s basically just been quiet about everything to everyone (though he normally is a quieter person). My friend told me to be careful because it might be that he didn''t tell them because he still wants to patch things up. I dont even know what kind of rollercoaster my heart would go through if that was true

anyway, I thanked her for her sympathy and just told her that he wasnt sure that he wanted to be with me anymore.. thats all. We established that things shouldnt be weird between us, so I''m at least happy about that.

I''ve been doing ok and trying to enjoy myself! tomorrow I''m going to a fancy ball in the city so yay! the pangs of heartache and missing him still hit me every now and then though...

 

[suchende]

I think it''s very common for young men to meet a girl in their early 20s who they could see themselves marrying, then freak out and hit the breaks because they are not ready to settle down. When you think about it that way, maybe you were just too sweet and wonderful for him to continue dating at this age.

 

[funnyface786]

Thanks for alllllllllllll of the advice it has helped so much, I can''t even tell you!

Just to update, its been hmmmmm 7 weeks now since we broke up? Not a WORD at all from him! I sort of can''t believe him. The breakup still hurts me at times everyday but I know he''s not worth it because he didn''t want me! I learned that no one who doesn''t want to be with me is worth my time, so knowing that helps now

Not totally over him yet though, which is annoying

 

[funnyface786]

sorry, major edit to that last post:

"no one who doesn''t want me is NOT worth my time"

 

[mrscushion]

No, I think you got it right the first time around -- no one is worth your time who doesn''t want to be with you.

Thanks for coming back to update us. You''re staying strong and (slowly) getting over him. You are so much better off without him.

 

[funnyface786]

oops.... haha you are right I did get it right the first time. sleepiness + lots of words don''t work well together

 

[Squirrly]

glad to hear you''re doing well and healing

and with as many words as you had, just thinking you had switched one word is pretty good, and you got it all right the first time around which is impressive

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Heartbreaks take time to heal. But you are right that you deserve someone who adores you!