My ex-bff is getting a divorce

[fieryred33143]

I think most of you remember the story I posted. I don''t have the links anymore.

Long story short, she was always an "all about me" person. When she was planning her wedding, she put a lot of demands on me to call her vendors, help her pick out dresses, dedicate my weekends to her, etc. I got pregnanty about a month before her wedding and for those last few weeks wasn''t around as much as she would have liked me to be. So she yelled and cursed at me in front of 90% of her wedding guests during her rehearsal dinner.

Since then we have had very limited contact. We separated for a few months then got together for dinner and a movie. Separated again then got together during Halloween. That was the last time I saw her and I''ve spoken to her maybe twice since then.

I sent her an email yesterday to ask how she was doing and also ask if she wanted to get together this weekend to see Alice in Wonderland (we both love Johnny Depp and had talked about going together to see the movie once it was released).

She called back to say they are divorcing. He is emotionally and verbally abusive. He spits on her almost daily. Says horrible things not worth repeating on here. She told him she''ll be moving out May 1. She''s actually moving in two weeks to San Diego.

After I got off the phone with her, I cried. I felt so horrible for her. She''s an old friend and even though she''s incredibly selfish at times, it hurts me to know that she has been going through so much heartache lately.

I also feel kind of empty. She is the first friend I had when I moved here 10 years ago. We''ve been through a lot together. She''s moving so far away and the reality that I may never see her again hit me hard.

Anyway, thought I''d update since I know some of you remember the story.

 

[meresal]

Are you serious?!?!?!?!?!? (now I will read the rest of the post...)

ETA:
Did you ever see any of these characteristics in him? I wonder if there might have been warnings, but due to being completely into herself during the planning, they were just overlooked?

I'm so sorry to hear about this Fiery. I know how hard it can be to know you are loosing a friendship, but to know that person is actually going away is a whole different separation. It's a hard thing to deal with. I hope that you will be able to spend some time together and at least leave things in a better situation than they have been.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 3/3/2010 11:55:22 AM
Author: meresal
Are you serious?!?!?!?!?!? (now I will read the rest of the post...)

lol!

What''s what FI said

 

[Puppmom]

It always amazes me when women who are so demanding on everyone put up with so much crap from a man.

I''m sorry you''re going through this - no one ever wishes anything like this on someone else.

BTW, do you mean LITERALLY spit on her? That is awful!

 

[princesss]

I''m so sorry she''s going through that.

I''m also sorry that you''re having to face the loss of somebody I know you thought would always be around. I know you cut off a lot of contact, but it doesn''t mean there wasn''t hope that things would get better, and now it seems like there''s no chance to regain what was lost. *hugs*

 

[fieryred33143]

Thanks princess.

Date: 3/3/2010 1:24:42 PM
Author: puppmom
It always amazes me when women who are so demanding on everyone put up with so much crap from a man.

I''m sorry you''re going through this - no one ever wishes anything like this on someone else.

BTW, do you mean LITERALLY spit on her? That is awful!

Yes. Literally spit on her

 

[IloveAsschers13]

This is awful. It is awesome that she is standing up for herself. Maybe it will work in a way opposite than you think and bring you two closer together even though she will be farther away. Good luck on your friendship!

 

[purrfectpear]

Honestly the way you''ve described her, haven''t you ever wanted to spit on her

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Losing a friend is always difficult. I have lost a few over the years b/c of physical or emotional distance. We are all a work in progress which means sometimes we grow apart, sometimes we grow closer together. Sounds like you already made the decision to let her friendship go. I think it is healthy and normal to mourn the loss of your relationship. It is important to feel the feelings. No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship so it sounds like she is making some good decisions. Hopefully you can both heal.

 

[decodelighted]

No flame!!! But ... are you sure she''s telling the truth? The way she''s acted toward you in the past tells me she''s not above spinning a story to make herself the victim even when she''s not. Is it possible she just doesn''t like being married and needs an exit strategy that makes it "impossible" to stay. NO ONE would put up with THAT behavior kind of thing ...

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 3/3/2010 2:53:29 PM
Author: decodelighted
No flame!!! But ... are you sure she''s telling the truth? The way she''s acted toward you in the past tells me she''s not above spinning a story to make herself the victim even when she''s not. Is it possible she just doesn''t like being married and needs an exit strategy that makes it ''impossible'' to stay. NO ONE would put up with THAT behavior kind of thing ...

Good point.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 3/3/2010 2:53:29 PM
Author: decodelighted
No flame!!! But ... are you sure she''s telling the truth? The way she''s acted toward you in the past tells me she''s not above spinning a story to make herself the victim even when she''s not. Is it possible she just doesn''t like being married and needs an exit strategy that makes it ''impossible'' to stay. NO ONE would put up with THAT behavior kind of thing ...

My thoughts exactly. Either way, I''m sorry you''re losing a friend, and I''m sorry it didn''t work out for her.

 

[Maisie]

Date: 3/3/2010 2:24:44 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Honestly the way you've described her, haven't you ever wanted to spit on her

PP you are terrible!

Fiery I am sorry that you are dealing with this. I know you must have felt so awful when she screamed at you when you were pregnant. Its always tempting to help people out when they are struggling but do you really want to put yourself in her way again? It sounds like she only wants you around because things aren't going well for her. I think she will lean on you till things get better then you probably won't hear from her again. Especially as she is moving away. True friendship is about more than this.

I have to say your baby is adorable!! What a cutie pie!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 3/3/2010 2:53:29 PM
Author: decodelighted
NO ONE would put up with THAT behavior kind of thing ...

Actually there are people who would. Not saying it is right but it is a fact. Abuse is difficult to understand. I suppose it is possible she is lying but why does it matter? The relationship is over. The toxic friend is moving.

 

[fieryred33143]

First of all PP, that made me LOL.

Date: 3/3/2010 2:53:29 PM
Author: decodelighted
No flame!!! But ... are you sure she's telling the truth? The way she's acted toward you in the past tells me she's not above spinning a story to make herself the victim even when she's not. Is it possible she just doesn't like being married and needs an exit strategy that makes it 'impossible' to stay. NO ONE would put up with THAT behavior kind of thing ...

I think she definitely exaggerates some points because I know her well. She mentioned an argument they had during dinner where he called her a nasty word and she stormed off crying.

I asked her some follow-up questions because if there's something that I know about her it's that she LOVES to cause scenes in front of others. Turns out he was making conversation about something while at dinner with 3 couple friends, she disagreed with him and pointed out how wrong he was, he said "ok" because he was embarrassed, she called him condescending and a bunch of other stuff which threw him over the edge. Not excusing what he said but after she filled me in on the story, it made sense that he would get angry.

So yes, I definitely think she plays up the victim role a lot. However, I also have seen firsthand how aggressive he gets when he is frustrated and doesn't get his way. He's nasty to his kids and especially to his mother.

I don't think she was lying about the spitting. She has a "tell" or a poker face. When she's exaggerating a story, she gets very loud and high-pitched which she didn't do.

The main problem in their relationship (besides the fact that they really should have never gotten married) is that neither wants to admit they have the problem. She places all the blame on him and he does the same to her when really they are both to blame.

ETA: Thanks Maise

 

[VRBeauty]

You "friend" was is one of the most memorable characters to have graced our forums, and i don''t mean that as a compliment to her.

Personally I think I''d want to maintain a considerable distance from her. What she''s describing sounds awful and I wouldn''t wish it on anybody. More importantly though I wouldn''t want you to get sucked into being used and abused by her again. So if you do end up lending a sympathetic ear, advice, or help... maybe you should engage your DH to be your sounding and help make sure that you''re keeping a healthy emotional distance.

BTW, here''s the original thread as a reminder:

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/i-am-so-so-sad-right-now-and-dont-know-what-to-do.101494/

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 3/3/2010 3:34:23 PM
Author: VRBeauty
You ''friend'' was is one of the most memorable characters to have graced our forums, and i don''t mean that as a compliment to her.

Personally I think I''d want to maintain a considerable distance from her. What she''s describing sounds awful and I wouldn''t wish it on anybody. More importantly though I wouldn''t want you to get sucked into being used and abused by her again. So if you do end up lending a sympathetic ear, advice, or help... maybe you should engage your DH to be your sounding and help make sure that you''re keeping a healthy emotional distance.

BTW, here''s the original thread as a reminder:

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/i-am-so-so-sad-right-now-and-dont-know-what-to-do.101494/

This was a point FI brought up yesterday. I called to ask if she wanted to watch the movie and was on the phone for an hour talking about what she''s going through as most of our conversations usually end up.

I think the major difference this time around is that I didn''t offer to help like I would have done. I actually would have offered her a place to stay so that she could leave him sooner and part of me wanted to but I had to remember not to forget, KWIM?

 

[meresal]

Date: 3/3/2010 3:45:55 PM
Author: fiery

Date: 3/3/2010 3:34:23 PM
Author: VRBeauty
You 'friend' was is one of the most memorable characters to have graced our forums, and i don't mean that as a compliment to her.

Personally I think I'd want to maintain a considerable distance from her. What she's describing sounds awful and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. More importantly though I wouldn't want you to get sucked into being used and abused by her again. So if you do end up lending a sympathetic ear, advice, or help... maybe you should engage your DH to be your sounding and help make sure that you're keeping a healthy emotional distance.

BTW, here's the original thread as a reminder:

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/i-am-so-so-sad-right-now-and-dont-know-what-to-do.101494/

This was a point FI brought up yesterday. I called to ask if she wanted to watch the movie and was on the phone for an hour talking about what she's going through as most of our conversations usually end up.

I think the major difference this time around is that I didn't offer to help like I would have done. I actually would have offered her a place to stay so that she could leave him sooner and part of me wanted to but I had to remember not to forget, KWIM?

I can just see your comment after an hour of her talking... "Soooooo, you don't want to bring dates?"

 

[PumpkinPie]

I''m sorry your friend is going through this - NO ONE deserves to be spit on - how disgusting! Please don''t sacrifice yourself to her drama though - I remember your original thread about her and she seems to have a number of problems of her own that are not being addressed.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Fiery, I''m sorry to hear about this latest development with your friend. Toxic or not, it''s still a loss and that always sucks. However, you''ll one day look back and won''t feel one way or the other about her.

hugs!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 3/3/2010 3:16:38 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring

Date: 3/3/2010 2:53:29 PM
Author: decodelighted
NO ONE would put up with THAT behavior kind of thing ...

Actually there are people who would. Not saying it is right but it is a fact. Abuse is difficult to understand. .

I didn't mean to suggest that there aren't people who do stay in terrible, abusive relationships (and that many of those relationships are difficult if not impossible to free yourself from sadly) -- I meant that if she paints an AWFUL picture then people would me more likely to understand and sympathize with her decision to leave a new union asap rather than try to "work it out" etc. That her case would be more *compelling*. Something got lost in the translation I guess (or my composition LOL!!)


ETA: It sounds like the bring out the worst in each other so best they do part. HOWEVER, you certainly don't have to get dragged into it. Maybe its a blessing she's moving away, even though it is sad now.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Deco, just making sure. I don''t usually disagree with you but didn''t get your point out of your first post. I have just heard stories that would make your skin crawl. Abuse is horrible and comes in all kinds of forms. I think it is good she is moving too. Distance brings clarity sometimes.

 

[fieryred33143]

Hi.

Just wanted to give an update.

She had made the decision to leave him. At some point last week or the week before, his therapist requested to see her for a separate session to get her side of the story. From what she tells me, the therapist told her she needed to get out because he needed to work on his abusive patters. Again, this is her side of the story and I''ll never know what the therapist really said or how she said it.

On Thursday he left to a car race/show for the weekend. Her mother arrived from California late Thursday evening. By Friday they had all of her things in her car and on Saturday began the drive to California. I believe they stopped somewhere in North Florida Saturday evening and made their way to a friend''s home in Georgia yesterday.

I''m proud of her. Whether or not she really deserved any better or had a huge role in the fall of her marriage, it still took a lot of courage to leave.

He returned home Sunday but she told him that she left Saturday evening after they were hours away from her home. I don''t know what his reaction was as she had not received a true response from him. He was with company at the time that she called and he pretended that everything was ok so that his friend''s wouldn''t find out what was going on.

Time will tell...