My BFF Had a Miscarriage- How Do I Help?

[iLander]

I'm expressing as much sympathy as possible, but she's a thousand miles away so words are all I have.

Has anyone here ever had a miscarriage? What words made you feel better?

I want to help as much as possible.

 

[KimberlyH]

Nothing made it "better" but it was easier to talk about with people who could simply say "It's awful and I'm so sorry for you." But I'm not her and people deal with these sorts of things differently. Send her a good book, or her favorite cookies, and offer your ear, I sometimes just needed domeone to listen.

 

[Maisie]

I wanted to talk about it very much, but everyone was afraid to upset me. I couldn't talk to my husband because as far as he was concerned we had a healthy baby to focus on. (I was expecting twins). He just couldn't understand my emotions. It caused a lot of problems between us.

Your friend may want to talk, or she may not. Make sure she knows you are there whenever she needs you. Its incredibly painful to lose a baby at any stage of pregnancy. Let her take the lead.

I am so sad for her loss.

 

[lizzyann]

I agree with the other posters. Just keep an open line of communication with her. I preferred to talk about it and keep it in the open than to keep my emotion built up inside. I had two miscarriages and they were very hard on me- filled with sadness and grief. Just be there for your friend and offer encouragement for the future. I went on to have a perfect little boy shortly after and it all worked out. Sorry to hear this...

 

[Siamese Kitty]

iLander, I'm really sorry to hear this news. Having gone through some tough pregnancy times myself, and having a bff who also had a loss, here's what I'd suggest.

-Don't ignore her, or say "don't worry there will be other babies in your future/you can have more", "things happen for a reason", "he/she's in a better place", or "at least it happened now". You may think heck no to these, but these were things said to me repeatedly by extremely caring, well-intentioned people. And they hurt.

-Acknowledge the pregnancy as a baby. Some people have different stances on this for religious/moral/political reasons, but the truth is she probably already had names in her head, an inkling as to the sex of the baby, and future plans and dreams for this child. I think the hardest part of losing a child is the loss of what could have been. A pregnancy loss is the loss of an entire human being's lifetime. Maybe you can, if the time is right, ask her if she had thought of a name. Let her talk about the missed opportunities, plans, and dreams.

-Food. Sounds simple, but bringing over some baked goods, comfort food, or offering to do shopping would be a huge help. I absolutely couldn't trust myself to go in public after my losses. I would see a baby, or someone with multiple babies, walk down a baby aisle accidentally, etc., and would break down. Granted she likely has a spouse to help out, but it's always nice to have someone else to lean on.

-If she has purchased anything for the baby, or has made a registry, offer to make said returns and contact registries for deletion.

-Set a new, positive goal for the TWO of you. I pushed my friend (when she felt better) to train for a race with me. It's something we always loved doing in the past, something that helped her feel better about herself physically, and an opportunity for uninterrupted one on one time for her to talk. She told me it helped her a lot. Personally, I went through a love/hate relationship with my body after my losses, and for my body to feel strong and able to accomplish other things made me feel better. This sounds kind of weird, but was my personal experience.

-Make a note of her due date, and acknowledge it when it comes around.

-And finally, don't avoid her. You would be surprised. I think people sometimes feel awkward, or don't know what to say, so they stay away. This really hurts. Just say anything, even aforementioned hurtfuls, but don't distance yourself. I think this especially hard if you have children (not sure if you do) and she just lost her first.

Sorry, to write a book, this is topic close to my heart. Sending you and your friend my prayers and warm thoughts.

ETA: Yikes, sorry, just realized that you are far away from your bff. Perhaps some of these suggestions will still be helpful.

 

[somethingshiny]

Siamese Kitty said everything I would. Particularly, recognizing the pregnancy as a baby.

One exception, in my own experiences, I did NOT want the due date recognized. Oh, I knew when the due dates came around, but the thought of someone else still hurting for me was very upsetting to me.


There have been some miscarriage threads on here too. You could search them and see what the women were saying at the time of the loss and as they recovered. It may help to prepare you or give you some other ideas.

 

[Siamese Kitty]

One exception, in my own experiences, I did NOT want the due date recognized. Oh, I knew when the due dates came around, but the thought of someone else still hurting for me was very upsetting to me.

Thank you, SS. I'm glad you pointed this out, as it is helpful to me to see there are other opinions on how the due date should be treated. I was only speaking from my experience. My bff's hasn't arrived yet, and I may approach the situation with a bit more trepidation per your advice.

 

[Steel]

Great advice, sorry but I can't add anything constructive. But I do want to say I am so sorry for your BFF and her loss.

 

[asscherisme]

Nothing made it "better" but it was easier to talk about with people who could simply say "It's awful and I'm so sorry for you." But I'm not her and people deal with these sorts of things differently. Send her a good book, or her favorite cookies, and offer your ear, I sometimes just needed domeone to listen.

ITA. The worst things to do are: avoid her because you don't know what to say and whatever you do, don't say "Well you can try again" of course she can but that does not make the pain any less inthe moment.

What you can do is invite her out to a nice lunch just because you want to hang out with her. Invite her over to watch a video, etc. And when she does want to talk, really listen and don't cut her off. Let her talk as much as she wants about it.

You are a good friend just for asking this question.

 

[paris29]

I had a miscarriage a little over a year ago and while nothing truly made it better, I would have done anything to have a supportive friend at my side. I didn't tell anyone except my fiance (who was also dealing with the miscarriage in his own way and couldn't really seem to understand what I was going through) what had happened (due to the situation), so it made it even more difficult not to have a support group to understand what I was going through. I would say just be there for her, she will always remember that. And while you may not be there in person, support is still support. Realize it may take her some time to deal with it, and each person deals with it their unique way, just be there for her in this difficult and very emotional and physically trying time. Good Luck and Best Wishes to Your Friend