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Moving in together (long)

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aliceinwonderland

aliceinwonderland

Shiny_Rock
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Jan 3, 2009
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Ok so here is my story:

My bf and I have been dating for nearly 1.5 years. I love him and I know that he loves me (I know sounds like every other post!). When we met he was finalizing his divorce and we just sort of fell in love. I have never been married but he knows this is something that I want and he is definately open to the concept. Fast forward and I have finally met his young children both under 7 years and they get along well with me and seem totally adjusted to the divorce. So so far so good. My dilemma is that I want to move in together.

He owns his own home and I would therefore be moving in with him. I am at the point in our relationship where I am ready to move in within the next six months. I live with him when he does not have his children so we have established that we are compatible in a daily life situation. I feel that six months is about all the time that I am willing to continue investing in this relationship if he is not willing to move forward. That would be long enough that he would have time to ensure that the children were going to be ok with the change. I have been very very very considerate of the children in this and I loved them before I ever met them but I want to start my life with this man who makes me so happy.

I don''t really like the concept of delivering an ultimatum but basically I feel that if in six more months we will have known each other over two years and I have supported him throughout many difficult times in his life and at that point I want more of a commitment. So I would like your guidance and opinions on how to deliver my message which is essentially that ''if in six months you are not ready to move in together then I''m not sure I will be willing to continue investing in our relationship." If I say that I will truely mean it so it will not be hollow words but I need help thinking this through and working on my delivery! And also I want a reality check to make sure that I am being reasonable with my expectations after two years as I have some very important personal career decisions to make in the next while that are contigent on our relationship. I am concerned with the children in all of this as I love them but I think that they would adjust well and I am in this for the real deal so I don''t think I will be a transient figure in their lives but I am afraid that he will bring them up as a point against moving in together.

I know in my lurking that you are all a WONDERFUL supportive community and I hope that you can offer some sage advice.

Alice
 
I work in divorce (I''m a paralegal) and I''ve heard this story too many times. I say move on. He was still married when he met you, therefore cheating on his wife. What makes you think he won''t do the same to you? I''m not trying to be rude or presumptuous, but I see this every single day. You are a very smart woman keeping the children at bay because they are all too often used as pawns in these deals. Make the career decisions that work for YOU and you''ll be a better person because of it. I wish you the best of luck!
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Here''s my thoughts...I have never been divorced nor have my parents so I am not sure what the time is that ones gets over what happened. If his divorce was messy/horrible I think it is reasonable it would take longer than 1.5 years. Also I think it is understandable that he doesn''t want you to move in since he does have two young children. That might be really confusing and difficult for them. It is WONDERFUL that you have a good relationship with them *but* moving in could open a new can of worms. What does your boyfriend say? Does he talk about the future? Does he seem "over" the pain of his first marriage? Are you REALLY willing to walk away. You can not say you will unless you really will. KWIM?
 
Have you guys talked about where this relationship is going and how it will get there? I think it's really important for each person in a relationship to make their expectations clear, especially when they have been dating for awhile. It doesn't have to be an ultimatum. If you haven't had that conversation, then you should so you'll know what he wants and vice versa. Maybe he's on the same page. Maybe he's not, but just on a different time line. When you know what he wants and he knows what you want, it'll be much easier to make decisions for yourself accordingly. Good luck!
 
When I say he was going through a divorce I mean sorting out the paperwork as in they were already in negotations with their respective lawyers it was over except for the paperwork signed so I don''t really think that is the same as cheating as both parties have already agreed to dissolve the marriage and it''s simply a matter of paperwork so it''s not the cheating aspect that worries me at all, it''s more how to address the moving in together situation and whether my expectation of moving in together was reasonable. But I really appreciate your observation and I agree that somebody who cheats to be ''with you'' will cheat ''on you''.
 
If you're going to give an ultimatum, go for the ring! It would be best for the children if you were in a totally committed relationship before moving in together because they don't need girlfriends there who eventually leave them.

Seriously, I don't think an ultimatum is the best approach. But I do think it is reasonable to tell him that you have career decisions to make for your future and you need to know where he sees things going in the next 6 months to a year.
 
Talk to him.
 
You need to have an open and honest chat... He may need more time, his kids may need more time. You say they are well adjusted to the divorce, could be. But am guessing you don''t know that yet... These things take time. Best of luck.
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Thanks for all your great replies everybody.

Tacori: I myself come from a ''divorced'' family so I definately see the healing that needs to happen. I think that the healing on his part happened a very very long time ago and that he is just happy with his new life (and me being part of it) And if I do eventually say I''m ready to walk away I will really and truely mean it.

Panda: Yes we have talked about it but it''s more the timeline that appears unclear and I just don''t think that if his is moving in a year from now that I''m willing to wait that long.


DS: I think that if/ when we have the moving in talk that being engaged within a year is definately going to be part of my timeline discussion with him. Moving in with him is something that I/ we would both take VERY VERY seriously b/c of the fact that there are children invovled. Neither of us is of the opinion that the revolving door girlfriend scenario is a good idea which is why we took our time with me meeting the children.

I guess my problem is what do I do if in the course of our discussion I find out that his timeline for moving in is 1 year or more from now when I don''t want to live in limbo for that long?. The career choices that I am making are not detrimental to my career but more that I have to make smart choices in regards to scheduling and issues like that where I would make different choices if we live together.

Alice
Thanks for the replies they are all helpful!
 
I don''t blame you for feeling that way. We were married a year and a half after we started dating, so I never get these extremely long dating scenarios! It would seem to me that people would know after a year and a half if they really love the other person and want to spend the rest of their lives with them. So I don''t think it is too soon to talk. You need to know what he is thinking just in case it does not coincide with your hopes.
 
I would talk to him before you issue an ultimatum. I would just let him know that you''d like to move forward with your relationship within the next 6 months, whether that''s moving in together or an engagement ring. (I''m kind of with diamondseeker on that-why not get engaged first? I think that''s a lot more commitment than moving in together, and I''m someone who moved in with my now fiance before we were engaged so I''ve got nothing against shacking up!
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) See what he says about it, and if he is hemming and hawing about the 6 month timeline, then I would let him know that if he''s not ready for that, then you''re going to have to move on.

I don''t think there''s anything wrong with wanting commitment and not wanting to wait around for years whether it''s because of his divorce or children or just a fear of commitment on his part. It sounds like you''re keeping his children in mind with everything you do which is of course very important. And in my opinion, if he wasn''t ready for a relationship after his divorce you probably would not still be together.
 
Date: 1/3/2009 10:45:45 PM
Author: aliceinwonderland

I guess my problem is what do I do if in the course of our discussion I find out that his timeline for moving in is 1 year or more from now when I don''t want to live in limbo for that long?
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If you don''t want to live in limbo that long, and even if you do, then you need to talk to him now, and if his scenario of the future is too far off from yours its'' time for you to move on and live your life without him, before his children become too attached.
 
I don''t think you have to give him an ultimatum....but I do think you need to say very clearly "I want ______. What do you want?" And start your conversation from there.
 
Moving in with a BF does not always lead to engagement or marriage. I would work toward getting the commitment prior to moving in together. When I was a divorced Mom, I would not and did not live with my BF until we became engaged. We married about 1.5 years later. I would be surprised if your BF would want a live-in situation without making the commitment first. The children need time to recover from the divorce and accept a new person into their lives. You have been seeing each other for a relatively short period of time. I don''t think that issuing an ultimatum is in your best interests. Your timeline may not be compatable with your BF and his children''s timeline.
 
Date: 1/3/2009 11:03:07 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Date: 1/3/2009 10:45:45 PM
Author: aliceinwonderland

I guess my problem is what do I do if in the course of our discussion I find out that his timeline for moving in is 1 year or more from now when I don''t want to live in limbo for that long?
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If you don''t want to live in limbo that long, and even if you do, then you need to talk to him now, and if his scenario of the future is too far off from yours its'' time for you to move on and live your life without him, before his children become too attached.
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Ditto.

If the moving in within six months is a non-negotiable to you, then you move on and find someone else.

And I think "talk to him" is the best advice you''ve gotten so far.
 
It sounds to me like you know you need to talk to him, and you want to talk to him openly WITHOUT giving an ultimatum, which is great, and you are asking for advice on how to have this conversation while saying exactly what you mean. Unfortunately, I don''t think anyone can really give you the words you are looking for as conversations are 2 sided things and we have no idea what your bf is going to say. So if you are worried about this conversation, maybe the best thing you can do is make a list of the points you want to get across, that way you can refer back to it in case you find yourself going off track and you can make sure you say everything you want to say. Seeing words on paper sometimes can help to clear the mind.

Good luck, and please take care of this soon, as it seems like it is something that is really weighing on your mind, and the sooner you have some answers, the sooner you can stop worrying!
 
Thanks for the additional wonderful replies! I think that my main concern (hard to identify during my initial post b/c I was feeling so jumbled) is that my timeline is not appropriate. I do definately plan on talking to him about it and we have had conversations about the fact that is is a very signifigant relationship and that moving in/ marriage are part of the plan. I''ve never done the relationship with kids involved thing before so the timeline that accompanies it is new territory for me.

As for the ''go for the ring'' comments in my mind I have always envisioned living with my SO before getting engaged so that''s sort of a reversal of my order of events but those are valid points from the persepctive of the kids perception and I think I will definately address the which comes first question as it doesn''t really matter to me but might to him very much. As part of the move in together discussion I was planning on bringing up the engagement discussion with the idea that 1.5 years from now (3 years into our relationship) would be sufficient time for everybody to adjust to the idea of me being part of the family as well as part of the household. I guess I assumed based on a few comments that he would want to live together first but I need to find out.

And as I posted earlier and ''ultimatum'' is not really the vibe that I want to go for but I''m just afraid that if I''m not really firm with my expecations that what I want is going to get steamrolled over for the greater good (his and the kids) and what I want is to start our life together and not on the part time basis we have going. I see so many posts from wonderful women who want to move forward and have reluctant partners for one reason or another and they are so frustrated and I don''t want to wind up there. My timeline should be important too (provided he is emotionally ready which I think he is).

But I will ''just talk to him'' try to use the " I want to move in within the next 6 months, what are your plans?" angle. I know we are on the same page in terms of wanting those things it''s just the timeline that is unclear. Then based on the convo we''ll take it from there.

I''ll keep everybody posted once ''it'' happens! Thanks for reading/ advising.
Alice
 

Hey Alice



What does he want? Does he want to get married again? If so, does he want to get married again so soon after his divorce? What are his thoughts on moving in together, engagement and marriage and the effect this will have on his children? Does he want more children? Do you want children? Where would you live?



You love each other but sometimes that's not enough in a relationship and you just need to realise that, but he's not a mindreader and neither are you so you need to sit down and work it out. These are all the questions you need to ask before you can make any decision about where you go with this relationship. You need to talk and be completely and brutally honest with yourself and him about what you want and your hopes and dreams. Your decision will be made after that. I don't think you should go in with an ultimatum as you don't know how the conversation is going to go.

Its a new year so this is the right time to work out what your plans are for the coming months so do it now rather than leave it.

 
Po to answer your questions:

Getting married again: with the right person yes he sees that very much and we have discussed it in relation to us, the timeline of that is totally unclear and there are no clear intentions about making that happen but it is definately a possibility.
Moving in together: that is something that we have talked about (not in detail) but as something that will eventually happen, as far as the effect on the children we haven''t had that discussion yet.

More kids: nope I do not want kids at all, I love his and that is PLENTY for me and I get along with them/ love them. He would entertain the thought of more if it was important to me (he''s said so) but his preference is no more for sure
Live: we would live in his house as I''m renting and he owns (part of the reason for the urgency b/c my lease is comming due and I want to buy instead of rent again but I don''t want to buy b/c I want to move in together)

And I totally agree that sometimes love just isn''t enough if you don''t want the same things which is why I want to get serious about this. I''m going to talk to him in the next couple of days (once I work up my courage haha!)

Alice
 
Well Alice, it sounds like you have a plan - and the plan is to move in together. That''s fine, but I have to tell you that since marriage is your real goal here, I think you''re setting yourself up for several years of unhappiness. I can pretty much guarantee you that once you live with him, additional commitment may be like pulling teeth.

Unless you feel you would be OK just living together for another 2 or 3 years, I''m going to recommend that you have a talk with him about where he sees the relationship going and his timeline for commitment. If he can commit with a ring, then living together will come naturally. Engaged people usually have no problem living with each other. The reverse is not a given. Lot''s of men who live with their GF''s do NOT see engagement as the next step and drag their feet for years. Don''t put yourself in that position.
 
I have a feeling that he is waiting until he is sure he wants to get married again before having you move in. He is probably thinking of his children and that he doesn''t want them to get even more attached to you and then something goes wrong and you leave them too. It is still pretty soon after his divorce, so he just might need more time to figure out if he wants to spend forever with you before you move in with him and his children.
 
I''m in a similar situation and my comments are for one, children under 7 years old are pretty impressionable but more adaptable than older children. It''s likely that it will be easier for them to adjust Now than to wait until the oldest is 10.

Most remarriage ''experts'' out there say for the divorced parent to wait four years to get married so they can work out all of their issues so they don''t feel like they''re rushing from one relationship to the next. He has some things about himself he''ll likely need to reevaluate. Divorces aren''t always one sided. He contributed, too, and he needs to learn what he wants and needs to not make the same mistakes.

And finally, I also would talk about marriage - not moving in together. You already mostly live there so what is to gain from living there 100 percent of the time? Is it because you want to show the kids you a permanent? Again, kids aren''t resolute. They will adjust to these changes. But in my situation, I am not interested in living together prior because I don''t want to get caught up in that commitment limbo and two, I think it sets a more responsible example to his children. Dad did it the right way. If you are just living there you may not earn the same respect with them than if Daddy explained that Alice loves you and she going to become a part of our family.
 
Thanks for the additonal comments. I hadn''t thought so much about the marriage part and was more focused on the moving in together part...you guys have really made me think about this more!

I agree with starsets comments that the kids are much more adaptable based on their age and I think that his children have adjusted quite well. I also realize that divorce is definately two sided and I think that he has sufficiently healed as he left almost three years ago(despite the drama that his ex brings, she is very angry and I think will continue to be for a very long time but those are her issues to heal) We''ve had some VERY frank discussions about why his last marriage disolved so he is abundandly clear about what he wants in a relationship now.

Starset to answer the what would be different about living together full time, basicaly I wouldn''t be packing up my junk constantly living between two places and paying rent on a place that I spend about 50% of my time at. The convenience factor is not my reason to move but it is a HUGE burden constantly packing/ unpacking, I want to be part of all the fun (and not fun parts) of daily living with him and the kids. There is a lot of stuff that I miss out on b/c I don''t live here.

The marriage part is not such a burning part for me as I see moving in as a huge commitment and not something that I take lightly and in normal circumstances aka no kids there is NO WAY I would ever get engaged without living with somebody (has saved me from some huge mistakes in the past). And I know that is a personal opinion for everybody but I hadn''t thought about the engaged aspect and how that would be a good idea for the kids.....

More to think about, you guys are great I appreciate all the opinions/ imput and I''m glad to know that I''m not crazy for feeling like I want this to move forward which is the sense I''m getting from most responses.
Alice
 
Alice - it sounds like you have done a lot of thinking about this, which is great, but it also sounds like there are a lot of assumptions you are making about his wishes and needs and those of his children. I realize these are based on solid knowledge of all of them as well as discussions in the past with him, but I''d want to make sure I was totally solid on his feelings on some of that, stated explicitly.

That said, I think that a good way to approach the discussion you two are going to have is this: you have one timeline in mind, and accepting that he may have another, you need to both lay out what you would ideally want, and then find a way to meet in the middle that works for both parties. I know you said 6 months and that you are firm on that, but if the difference is between 6 months and 12 months and he is willing to compromise to 9 and/or take steps in between that would move the relationship forward, is the 3 months extra really going to make a difference in the long term?

Anyway, just my $0.02 for what its worth - good luck, and let us know how the discussion goes.
 
Some additional random thoughts: while some are extremely malleable and would adjust well to change others are not, and a lot more factors into that than being 7 or 10 or any other arbitrary age. One of the best things any parent can give his or child is stability which doesn''t always have to mean marriage but commitment for the long haul. It sounds like you are a very thoughtful, conscientious person who is not taking your role in this lightly. When talking to him and deciding how to proceed I hope that the cut off, in your mind, of 6 months doesn''t prevent the possibility for some flexibility in light of other circumstances involved (children, divorce, combining of assets, etc.).
 
I was very much in love with my then BF. As we started talking about a future together, I had to be very clear that my daughter's needs were my first priority. Becoming a family, as opposed to living together, was my goal. He needed time to think about this. We needed clarity on what it meant to be together as a couple and as a family. When we were both on the same page, we were able to make the commitment. We have been married for 14 years now.
 
Amber: You are totally if it is a difference of 3 more months that''s fine six months to me will bring us to over 2 years of dating so my thoughts are that at that point he should have a pretty good idea about whether ''this is it'' and if it is a difference of a few monthsand he can provide solid reasoning of why this is necessary for the kids then I can respect that. My six month timeline is b/c I don''t want to be in a commitmentless relationship. He is older than me has already been married etc and I am getting to be of an age where if he is not serious I want to move on and find somebody who loves me and wants to make that commitment. So an answer of 9 months would be satisfactory to me I am not that unweilding but something ambigous about how can we know where we will be in six months won''t do it for me....and at that point I wonder is it reasonable for me to leave?

Kimberly: Thank you for your kind comments, I have thought VERY hard throughout this whole process and I love his children dearly and I am glad that is comming through so I don''t sound like a terrible person who is yelling "me, me, me" b/c the reality is this is about all of us.

Rising: That is my point I am not looking at this as simply moving in together but as a serious commitment between all of us and if he wants that to be marriage then I''m prepared to discuss that (but to be honest I would really like to live together first before we make it official). Neither of us believes in trapizing randome people through their lives so even meeting them at all was done with months of planning and thought.

I really appreciate everyone ''listening'' as this has really allowed me to hash out what it is I''m feeling and will allow me to have a much more calm/ collected discussion about this!

Alice!
 
Date: 1/3/2009 10:25:42 PM
Author: DivaDiamond007
I work in divorce (I''m a paralegal) and I''ve heard this story too many times. I say move on. He was still married when he met you, therefore cheating on his wife. What makes you think he won''t do the same to you? I''m not trying to be rude or presumptuous, but I see this every single day. You are a very smart woman keeping the children at bay because they are all too often used as pawns in these deals. Make the career decisions that work for YOU and you''ll be a better person because of it. I wish you the best of luck!
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Wow. OK, I''m a divorce paralegal as well, and I have to respectfully disagree here.

Alice, you mentioned that when you and your BF started seeing each other, the divorce had already been filed and the marriage was basically over. I don''t see this as your BF cheating on his wife to be with you. Their relationship was already over.

If you see a future with this guy AND his children, I think you should definitely discuss this with him. I understand about wanting to live with him prior to getting engaged. That is what DH and I did, and I''m glad we did it that way.

And I don''t think it''s safe to assume that living together will or will not eventually lead to engagement. Everyone is different. When DH and I moved in together, I think he was pretty anxious to get married, but I was the one who was doing all the foot-dragging. There are plenty of guys who do want a commitment and don''t want to just live together indefinitely. Living together first can and does work!

Good luck to you, and please come back and tell us how your conversation with BF goes!
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Stop packing and unpacking. You''re the one who''s making it easy on him and difficult for you.

If he loves you so much let HIM do the living out of a duffle bag. He can come stay with YOU when he doesn''t have the kids. Don''t fall into the "he has a house, and I have an apartment" trap.

Trust me on this, it''s good advice. The sooner HE gets tired of the inconvenience, the sooner he will start thinking marriage and commitment. You are not a second class citizen and there''s no reason why the effort for the next 6 months or a year shouldn''t be his. You''ve already made your sacrifice. Now let''s see if he''ll make his.
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you''ve heard of the rebound girl/boyfriend? the one that the person getting a divorce gets involved with who helps him/her through the process but after all is said and done is not ''the one'' so the divorced person moves on to find true love?

i realize you love this guy and want a commitment: the commitment needs to be to yourself. i wouldn''t say anything about giving him 6 months, but i''d give him the 6 months and if things hadn''t progressed by his own initiative, i''d move on. or i''d take a break and only see him occasionally. give him a lot of time and space to figure things out....which gives you a lot of time and space to figure things out.

its heartbreaking to be a rebound girl/boyfriend [been there, done that].

movie zombie
 
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